All language subtitles for The Three Stooges In Orbit (1962).en

MAN: No object
in the endless sea of space

has aroused man's curiosity
more than the planet Mars.

In particular,

the shape and form
of Martian life.

For centuries,

astronomers
have searched in vain

to solve this mystery.

It has challenged
the creativity

of the world's
greatest writers

and the imagination
of its most gifted artists.

Some envisioned Martians
as huge bird-like beasts.

Others described fantastic
serpents of incredible size,

grotesque,
tentacled creatures.

Shapes, sizes and forms

beyond man's
wildest imagination.

Animal, vegetable, mineral,

even mechanical creatures
of enormous destructive power,

but all this is conjecture.

At last, you will learn
the simple truth

about life on Mars.

As Normandy Productions
lights the fuse

that put
The Three Stooges in Orbit...

Where you will meet
the true image

of the men from Mars.

Hollywood, California,
glamour capital of the world,

where movie history
was first written

by such greats as Valentino,
Fairbanks, Pickford.

Today, a new chapter,
television,

and carrying on

in the tradition
of the immortals

we find...

* Home cooking
Home cooking

* Nothing suits you
Like home cooking

* Ha-dah, delicious rolls
Delicious rolls *

Hey, hey, hey,
Caruso, Caruso,

you want the manager
should hear you?

If she finds out
we're cooking in our room,

we're goners.

You know the trouble we had
finding this place.

You'd better start cooking
for the TV show for tomorrow,

or you'll answer to me.

Now, sound off.

Okay, chief.

Hello, everybody.

It gives me
great pleasure

on this monotonous
occasion...

Hey, hey, hey,

it's "momentous,"
"mo-mentous."

Now, what are you giving
me two words for

when I'm having
so much trouble with one?

Shut up!

Ooh! Ooh.

[KNOCKING]

WOMAN: I smell cooking
in there!

Battle stations.

Now open the door,
or I'll use my pass key.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Let old
buzzard-face in.

Hey, jughead...

The hat, the hat.

Oh, Mrs. McGinnis,

you're looking
the same as ever.

Thank you.

[SNIFFING]

Now, I know I detect
the odor of cooking
in this room,

which this hotel
will not tolerate!

Cooking?
What a lively
imagination.

I dare say,
it's the aroma

from the beanery
across the street.

It floats in here
all day long.

Well, you know the rules,
and as the manager here, I...

[GUNSHOTS ON TELEVISION]

Do you have
to play that so loud?

Well, you know
what this means!

Yeah, it means goodbye.

Oh...

Bye!

Ooh!

Yeah, boy, oh...
Now, remember,

the last place
was the 10th place
we were thrown out of,

so watch
your P's and Q's!
All right!

Wait a minute, fellows,
get a load of this.

"Lonely retired gentleman
desires boarders--

home cooking."

Home cooking?
Where is
this idyllic habitation?

Oh, those kind
of words you can say?

Yeah.

Why, where is it?

It's Hawkhill Manor
in Lompoc.

Lompoc?

Well, Lompoc,
here we come.

[HOWLING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Boy, oh, boy!

ECHOES:
Boy, oh, boy!

Yoo-hoo!

ECHOES:
Yoo-hoo!

An echo.

Looks like
a country club for zombies.

You ought to know.

[SLAPS ECHOING]
Did you hear that?

Yeah.

Wait a minute,
I heard it
the first time.

Welcome to Hawkhill,
gentlemen,

I'm Professor Danforth.

Hi.
Hi.

You came in answer
to my advertisement?

Yes, we did.

Quite a cozy place
you got here.
Thank you.

Great grandfather
built it

over 100 years ago.

No. Doesn't look
a day over 98.

Thank you,

and won't you
come in, please?

Okay.

As you can see,
I've got lots of room here,
plenty of--

Oh! I see
you're interested

in my new invention.

This, gentlemen,

is my all-purpose
military vehicle.

The full-scale model
is nearing completion

in my workshop.

I've been working
on it for months.

Here are the plans.

This button operates
it underwater,

this one propels it
up in the air,

and this one

puts it in orbit,
Pshhhoot!

I think this guy's
in orbit already.

Sorry, professor,

but I'm afraid
we'd be in your way.

Yeah, we'll be
seeing you.

No!

No, wait, please,

my days are so lonely
and monotonous.

It's momentous.

Hey, I said it!
Quiet.

It will be so nice
to have
earthlings in the house

for a change.

Pardon me,
did you say earthlings?

That's right.

I'm often bothered
by a spy from outer space

who's trying
to steal my plans,

a terrible-looking
thing--

claws instead of hands,

a hideous green face,
sharp, yellow fangs.

Oh, the regular
monster type?

Hmm, monster?

That's right.
Yes, exactly.

Okay, professor,
we'll stay.

Yeah, sure.

What have we got
to lose?

Thanks. William will show you
to your tombs.

Yeah?

I mean, rooms!

Oh...

[HOWLING]

Moe?

About that professor...

Don't pay
any attention

to what
the old guy said

about the spy
from outer space.

He's been bending over
those diagrams too long.

Well, just the same,
I'm taking no chances.

Where did you
get that?

Off the wall.

Chicken.

If anything happens,
I'll be across the hall.

Now, get some shuteye.

We've got
to be in shape

for our show tomorrow.
Good night.

Good night.

[SIGHS]

On this
monanimous occas--

That's not right,
moninimous occasion.

Uh, modinimous--

Dream about it!

Turn out the lights.
I'm bushed.

Moe, they're here!
They're here!

What are you
yelling about?

They're here.

They're here?
Who's here?

From outer space.

You're off your rocker.

No, listen to me, Moe.

I'm telling you the truth.

Oh, Mable,
you're here at last.

You swept me off my feet.

I'm being carried away.

I'm safe,
safe in your arms.

Safe...

It's in here.

The spaceman,
I saw him.

A guy could
get murdered.

It'll be you if you don't
let me get some sleep.

Moe, please, come on,

I'll show you what happened.
Come on, right in here,

I know it happened
right over here.

I'll show you.
Right there.

The claw came
through there,

it looked just like
a can opener,

then it pulled
the chain like that,

and then it went
back in the wall,

and this
covered the hole.

Hole? The hole
is in your head.

Why can't you
be like Larry,

sleeping like a baby?

Move over, Larry,
and let Joe in.

Move over, I said!

[GROANING]

Now, any more trouble
out of you,

and I'll give you
something to yap about.

Go on!

[SCREAMING]

Ah!

Look!

Gotcha!

Hey, I got him, Moe,
a tourist from Mars.

Yeah sure, with a card
from the Diner's Club.
Ack-ack-ack!

Hey, lift him up.
I'll look for a rope.

Yeah.

Hey, Moe,
it's the butler!

It's always the butler.

[CREAKING]

Here comes another one.

Oh...

Hey wait.
Hey, it's Larry!

You're all right,

it was only
a blow on the head.

Oh, my. Oh, what happened?

That's him!

That's the fellow who tried
to steal my plans!

No, he's innocent.
It was the butler.

He's got a space gun.

Azakona Pakani Alawata.

What'd he say?

"Azakoni Kapana Alawata..."

Come on.

Well, I'm not afraid
of that pop-gun.

It probably
shoots corks.

Kazakoni yourself.

[LASER NOISES]

Ah!

We've got a long way
to run, fellows.

You leave my machine alone!

Stop--

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, fellows.

What do you mean?

We've got a long
way to run.

We don't have to run.
We've got a car outside.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Well, the keys are
in my pants upstairs.

Would you like
to go get them?

Well, like you say, Moe,
we've got a long ways to run.

Wait, wait, wait.

Tama Akina Mars.

Tama Akina Mars.

Mede Kada Mars.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Martians..

Flying saucers...

Ogg and Zogg?

FBI?

Never mind the clerks,
I want Mr. Welby.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Welby here.

Mr. Welby, I think I talked
to you before,

Professor Danforth.

Yes, professor, what can I do
for you this time?

That butler I told you
was after my invention?

Well,
he's from Mars, all right.

I just caught him
talking to his boss

on closed-circuit
television.

I tell you, they're
coming after us

with scads
of flying saucers.

Send someone
right over.

I'd love to, professor,

but, unfortunately,
all my men are busy right now.

We're rounding up

a herd of man-eating
caterpillars from Venus

that are trying
to crush city hall!

What's the matter,

are you some kind
of a nut or something?

Mr. Welby?
Mr. Welby, come back!

Oh... they'll blow up
the whole world...

"Hollywood Television Studio,
stage one, The Three Stooges."

Somebody's got to listen.

[HOWLING]

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

Come on, fellows, we've got
less than an hour

to make our TV show.

Let's go!

The studio!

Follow me, boys!

Ladies and gentlemen,
The Three Stooges Scrapbook!

* Larry, Moe, Curly Joe

* They're the funniest
guys I know--

* Golly, gee

* That's for me

* I wanna be a stooge as well

* You can be like those three

* If you don't use
Common sense... *

And now,
from Hollywood California,

The Three Stooges
are on the air!

Hello, everybody,

it's a great pleasure
on this momentous occasion--

Hey, hey, you're
stealing my line.

Okay, say it.

On this monotonous
occasion...

I knew it!

Why...

Hey, this is
getting monotonous.

It's momentous.

He got it too.

And now, youngsters,

get set for that mad, zany
Three Stooges cartoon.

Roll the film.
Go, go, go!

Boy, are they ugly.

Yeah, especially
the one in the middle.

All we can
see is sea.

Well, look faster.

Stop playing around.

Are you crazy?

Hey, look at that.

That fat fellow,
he's a doll, isn't he?

Come on, doll,
come on.

You want to watch
your remarks, boy.

Hello, boys.

How would you fellows
like to play mutiny?

Mutiny?

Mutiny!
What's that?

I'm glad
you asked that.

Well, gentlemen,

I see that you've
finally made it,

late, as usual.

And now a word
from your sponsor,

Mr. N'yuk-n'yuk
himself.

Mr. Galveston?

Of Galveston?

Correct, and I don't
mind saying

I'm considerable riled because
you got here so late,

and I hear tell

you been doing this
quite often.

But I can explain.

I don't want
explanations.

And another thing,

if you hombres
can't come up

with a completely
different

type of cartoon show,

it's going to be
the end of the trail.

What's wrong with
what we're doing now?

Yeah, what kind
of show do you want?

I couldn't
tell you, boys.

I'm a businessman,
not a showman.

I just want
something better
than ordinary cartoons.

Boys, you've got
to come home with me.

We're in conference.

Our cartoons
ain't ordinary.

I see
the same thing

on every
cotton-picking show.

Mr. Howard, please.

Go away, professor,
you bother me.

On the other hand,

if you can dream up
something brand-new--

Oh, they'll never
make it, G.G.

Their contract
expires in 10 days.

Okay, meet you here
at 6:00 in 10 days,

and remember,

a completely
different kind

of cartoon show,

or you're all through.

Saddle up
my Rolls Royce, son,

and I'll be on my way.

Right away, G.G.

Gentlemen, if your sponsor
really wants something new,

I think I've got it--

electronic cartoons.

Electronic?

Exactly, the most
startling new process

since the magic lantern.

Boys, you help me,

and I'll help you.

Keep talking, grandpa.

All right, come back
home with me.

Wait a minute.

I want to say
that after you left,

I caught
that sneaking butler

talking to Mars.

I tell you, they're getting
ready to invade us

with flying saucers.

I saw them myself
on his television set.

He's in orbit again.

He's flying.

Boys, you've got
to help me

till my work is done.

Remember, only us four

can save the world
from destruction.

I hate to send
for the wacky wagon,

he's such a nice
old oddball.

Besides, maybe
he's got something

to save our show.

Well, I don't want
to find out,

that joint
gives me the creeps.

Me too.

Did you see
what that kooky butler did?

Pfft!

All of a sudden,

I'm aiming a gun
that ain't there.

Don't you
jugheads realize we're
in a spot?

You're going to let fear

stand in the way
of our careers?

BOTH: Yes!

Do you mean to tell me

that you're too chicken

to face up to
that kooky butler?

Yes!

With three against one?

Absolutely!

Oh, absolutely, eh?

Don't you know

that we absolutely
left all of our clothes

and our only absolutely
car up there,

and you still refuse?

Absolutely!

Get away!

We just took a vote,
professor.

It's unanimous.
We're going.

Excellent.

My car
is right outside.

Ten days,240 hours.

You'll never make it.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Au revoir.
Skip the gutter.

Break a leg.

Ah...

You missed me.
Hah-hah-hah.

* Larry, Moe
and Curly Joe

* They're the funniest
guys I know... *

[ELECTRONIC
BEEPING APPROACHING]

[THUD]

Ogg and Zogg.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

[HOWLING]

Here we are,
gentlemen.

What is the matter with you?

Moe, I'm scared.

Hoo, hoo.

Hoo, hoo.

Me, that's who.

And me too.

What's the matter,
you chicken?

Yeah.

Have a little backbone.
Follow me.

[HOWLING]

[DOOR CREAKING]

Carol!

Father,
I couldn't imagine

where you'd been.

Darling, I didn't know
that you were--

I thought you were...

Oh, this is Mr. Howard
and his friends.

They're going
to stay with us

for a little while.

My daughter, Carol.

I'm pleased
to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure is ours.

Likewise, I'm sure.

I'm sorry
if we scared you.

I didn't expect you
back from New York

for another
two or three months.

Well, I got
some time off,

so here I am.

It's wonderful to have
you back home, dear.

We've got something
to attend to.

We'll be right
back, dear.

All right, Father.

It's nice to have guests
in the house again.

Whee, whoop whoop.

Gentlemen, this way.

Shh...

I followed him
right through there.

Did you have
your glasses on?

Glasses? No.

[CREAKING]

Oh, still chicken, eh?

Get going! Come on.

[THUDDING AND SCREAMING]

Look out for that first step!

Now he tells us.

Here. Here,
around the corner.

[GASPS]

I don't see
no TV set.

Are you sure
it was in here?

Of course I am sure.
It was right over here.

You'd better put your
glasses on, pop.

Well, they could have
been over there,

but, no,
he was on the right,

the television set
was on the left,

and that was right.

Ogg...

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

You know,
I just don't understand it.

He must have gone and taken
that whole TV outfit with him.

I'll bet there's

no electronic cartoon
gadget either.

I heard that,

and that's
where you're wrong, mister.

Come along with me
and I'll show it to you.

Hey, professor,

that's some contraption
you've got there.

Thank you, thank you.

I don't know
whether to call it

a sea-going helitank,
a land-going helisub,

or an airborne
what-in-the-hell--

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Anyway, it'll be
interesting to see

who'll win
the battle for it,

the Army, Navy
or Air Force.

Gentlemen, this is
the machine

that is going
to save our world.

Let's get to something
really important--

where's the gimmick

that's going
to save our show?

Gimmick?

Oh, that's over here.

Your sponsor will renew
your contract in a minute

after he's seen
what I can do with this.

Okay, put on
your glasses.

My electronic process,
gentlemen.

No artist
ever touched this.

The whole thing

was drawn
by a machine.

No artist, eh?

Boy, that's amazing.

Sensational.

Now, all I have to do

is figure out
how to make it move.

Hoo! Hoo!

There's nothing like
a hearty breakfast
to start the day off.

You know, Larry,
we ought to humor
the old professor

until he gets that
cartoon gizmo finished.

Yeah, you never know.

* Home cooking
Home cooking

* Hey, get your
Hotcakes here *

[KNOCKING]

Hey, fellows, the landlady!

Well, what can
I say, fellows?

When I heard
the knocking,

it rang a bell.

Ooh, it rang a bell?

Yeah, but I saved
my hotcakes.

Well, so you did.

Yeah, they're mine

I baked them up right. I
I baked them...

Ooh! Oh, my...

What happened?

Well, it was an accident,
professor.

You see, this is the work
of a bird-brained idiot.

Yeah, a bird-
brained idi--

Thank you.
How about me?

Yeah, and a mental midget.
Go ahead.

Look it, Father, the mail,

The Army, the Navy
and the Air Force.

I told you there'd be
a scramble for my machine.

Ahem. The Army--

Professor Danforth.

"Dear sir, your invention
is most interesting...

"but we feel
the submarine feature

makes it more suitable
for the Navy."

The Navy.

The Navy--

The Navy feels
the tank-tread feature

makes your device
more suitable

for the Army.

Listen to this
from the Air Force.

"The airborne feature
of your unique vehicle

"opens up interesting
possibilities.

"Accordingly,
the Air Force will accept

"your kind invitation

"and send
a representative,
"Captain Andrews,

"who will be pleased

"to witness the tests
that you propose.

"Afterwards,
if results warrant,

"we will consider
a demonstration

of the full-scaled
vehicle--"

Oh, boy!

They're coming,
they're coming.

I knew they wouldn't
turn me down.

Congratulations, professor!

You sure
put it over.

Thank you, thank you.

I stayed up late last night
testing the model,

and everything
worked fine.

Come,
I'll show you.

Clean up this mess.

I'll clean it up
when I'm ready.

Oh, you will?

Yeah, when
I'm ready, that--

So?

So, I'm ready!

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Hello.

I'm Captain Andrews,
Air Force.

Won't you come in?

Yes.

I'm Carol Danforth.

I was hoping that--

I mean, my father
was hoping--

Well, he's right
over here.

The remarkable thing
about this model

is that it operates

completely
by remote control.

This is Captain Andrews
of the Air Force.

My father,
Professor Danforth,

and our guests,
Moe and Larry.

How do you do,
professor?

Boy, are you
making a mistake.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

That's a bigger mistake.

No. No, no.

I'm Professor Danforth.

Yes, excuse me,
professor.

Well, here she is,
captain.

What do you
think of her?

Wonderful.

When hard pressed
by the enemy,

it can take
to the air,

dash across country,
or dive underwater.

As a matter of fact,
it even seeks out water.

First, I'll demonstrate

how it operates
as a tank.

See that, captain?

It's going to revolutionize
the art of warfare.

It'll even revolutionize
revolutions.

Remember,
the big machine

will do everything
the little one does.

Could you ask
for anything more?

No.

Oh, no, no,
definitely not.

It's excellent.

You know, captain,
you're pretty sharp...

The Army and Navy,
they didn't--

They didn't
get here in time.

Of course, they're hot
for it too, you know?

Prepare for
the water test.

Prepare for the water test.

Prepare for
the water test.

Captain, nothing
can stop this vehicle,

except this.

Watch.

Ready for the water test.

Ready for
the water test.

Thank you.

Now, when attacked
by anti-tank weapons,

the pilot has only
to push a button.

Now, watch how it finds
the nearest water.

Wait a minute,
I've got to open the door.

Wait a minute!

This way, captain.

Yes, this way, captain.
Right this--

[JACKHAMMER NOISES]

Uh,
professor, I think it needs
a little adjustment.

Oh...

Carol, why don't you
take the captain

and talk things over?

Come on, captain,
this way.

I don't--
I don't understand.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh,
watch it, fellows,

that thing's
going berserk.

Where is it?

I don't know.

* Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe

* You are the funniest guys
I know... *

Come in!

Who is it?

Whoo-hoo!

What's going on?

Get out of here!
Go on!

Sounds like Curly Joe.
Come on!

Whoo-hoo!

It's running wild!

[SHRIEKING]

Hey, fellows!
Hey, hey, hey!

The propeller!

What's going on
in here?

Point that thing
the other way!

[SHOUTING]

Oh, no! Oh!

Shut it off!
Shut if off!

Turn that thing off!

Hi, fellows.

Oh, remote control!

[SCREAMING]

Cover your eyes.

[SCREAMING]

Moe, Larry's cheating.

What are you doing?

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Shame on you.

Well, captain,

is the Air Force
interested?

Hmm?

Oh. Oh, yes,
I can assure you, sir,

the Air Force
is definitely interested.

That's wonderful!

The big machine
will be ready to demonstrate

next week.

My baby...

I just love you.

Oh, oh, oh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh...

That's it.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

How you doing, boys?

Not much time left.

Don't worry, professor,

you'll be showing it
to the brass
right on schedule.

Controls all checked
out, professor.

Good, good.

I'm working out all the bugs
on the cartoon machine too.

She'll be ready.

What a team.

He's got the brains,
and we've got--

What?

The enthusiasm.

That's better.

[SHOUTING]

Larry, Joe!

Shut it off!
Turn it off!

Shut it off!

Larry!

Shut the motor off!

Pull the lever
in the compression chamber.

Larry! Curly Joe!

Shut off this thing!

Help! Larry! Joe!

Shut it off!

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Shut if off!

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

I'm sorry, Moe.
It was an accident.

Oh, well, this is
on purpose.

What? Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Polka Dot...

Sweetens the breath,
brightens the teeth,

tastes like pizza!

Polka Dot Toothpaste,

for the smile
of youth and beauty.

Polka Dot Toothpaste,

for the smile
of glamour and beauty.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Wait a minute,
lump-head.

Why, what's the matter?
I'm busy, Moe!

You're busy?
Yeah.

Get another
big bag of water.

That airfield's right out
in the middle of the desert.

So it's in the middle
of the desert.

How you coming, professor?

Oh, this will do
for the demonstration,

my own secret fuel.

It's got more
get up and go

than anything
ever put on the market.

I don't believe

you said a thing
like that.

I did, because
it's true.

Someone
to see you, Father.

Hello, captain. She's all
gassed up and ready to go.

Wonderful, wonderful.

I thought everything was set
for day after tomorrow.

It is, sir,
but the colonel--

Colonel Lane-- would like
to have you at the base

a little bit
ahead of time

to kind of
go over the details.

He invited
the Area Commander,
General Bixby.

General Bixby...

Tom's arranged
to fly you there in his plane.
He says I can go too.

If it's all right
with you, sir?

Yes. Oh, but the machine...

Oh, don't worry about
that, professor.

We'll get her
there okay.

Professor,
you go with the captain.

And leave
the driving to us.

It's all right, Father.
They'll take good care of it.

Oh, sure.
Oh, I'm more familiar with--

Thanks, boys. See you at
Baldwin Air Force base.

I wouldn't want
anything to go wrong...

Don't worry, professor,

you left everything
in good hands!

All right, let's get this
mockingbird on the road.

Here.

Moe! Moe, we've got a problem!

What do you mean
we've got a problem?

All you have to do
is drive this thing

right through that door.

What-- Oh no, it can't be.

Yes, it can.

The machine is too big
to go through the door.

Get away from here.

What's that for?

That's for
not thinking of it before.

Now, you guys get busy

and widen that door
a few feet

while I check the controls.

So we'll
widen the door.

All right, all right,
take it easy.

We'll widen the door.

We've got
to get the tools.

There's tools there.

It's a dandy.

Yeah, you work
on that side, Larry,

and I'll work
over here.

Pick out a good spot here.

That ought to do it--

Hey, bubble-brain!

What?

You're using the wrong side!

Wrong side?

Oh, yeah...

How silly can you get?

Wait a minute,

you're still
doing it wrong.

What do you mean
I'm doing it wrong?

You mind if I show you?
No, but I, I--

Here, look, take this.

You see when
you've got a tool

with two heads
like that.

And the first head
is pointy.

Oh, pointy...

You take it
right there,

and the pointy part

goes right in
that wall there.

Oh, that's where
the pointy part belongs.

Yeah, how stupid
can you get?

I don't know.

I guess you can get
pretty stupid...

if you're like me.

Ah... Boy, oh, boy.

Termites? Hmm...

Ooh! Ooh! Oh!

Larry, oh, Larry!

What's the matter,
did you hit yourself?

No, I didn't hit myself.

Something hit me
right through
that hole there.

Come right out
and hit me.

Oh...

You'll see, you'll--
See?

You're crazy,
there's nothing in there.

What do you mean
there's nothing there?

Ooh! Ooh! Oh, Larry, Larry!
Again, again.

What did you do,
hit yourself again?

I didn't
hit myself again.

They came through
the hole again.

Oh, don't bother--

Look, can you see it?

See it?

There's nothing there!
Now, get to work!

All right,
so there's nothing there--

Oh!

Oh, yeah? What--

Oh, no. Uh-uh.

You still playing
around with that thing?
We've got work to do.

I ain't
playing around with...

Good work, boys.
At last you did
something right.

But, Moe, we didn't...

[GASPING]

Did we?

Come on, boys, hop aboard.

We don't want to keep
the professor waiting.

Come, come, come, come.

Get in here, come on.

I hope
you can make it.

There's not
very much room there.

Oh, have no concern,

when I throw
this throttle in,

we will ease slowly
through the opening.

Twenty-two minutes late.

I can't wait for this thing
much longer.

Sorry, general,
but the captain assured me

that it'd be here.

Here it comes!

Let's make
a snappy entrance.

Believe me, general,

this is going to be something
you'll never forget.

Hey, boys, right here.

Hey, there's
the professor.

Hiya, professor!

It's Moe!
Moe's driving it.

Get going!
Come back here.

Look out, professor!

Shut her down,
you bubble brains.

General...

Well, professor,

perhaps your machine
isn't quite ready yet.

Oh, yes, it is, sir.

Besides, I want you
people to have it

before the Martians
get it.

That's a very good...

What did you say?

The Martians,
they want it.

Look, the airplane.

Put on your brakes!

I can't find
a pedal.

Use the emergency!

Emergency...

Yeah
You mean this?

The airplane!

Up, up!

Up, up.

Ooh, ooh...

That was close.

Did it.

You got us over that.

Boy, you're a doll.

Colonel Lane!

Get that ship
off the field!

Ram that fool thing!
That's an order!

That's an order!

Don't look now,

but I think
we're being followed.

Maybe we'll get
a ticket.

Hey, can you get one
for my friend?

Come on.

Look out
for the bookstore!

Bookstore!

Up, up, up!

Easy does it.
Easy...

Oh... You came
through again, Moe.

Bookstore!

Come on, you idiot.

Look out, girls!

[SCREAMING]

Hey, Moe, you're heading
for the general!

Look out, you'll knock
him on his brass!

See, that that goes back
where it belongs.

[SCREAMING]

Eyes right!

Sir?

I wish to rep--

Now, see here!

Oh, dear me.

Andrews?

Yes, general?

What have you got to say?

Well, I'm sorry
I listened

to that
old crackpot, sir.

Father,
we're going home.

Carol!

Wait a minute,
I'll take you.

No thank you.

This time,
we'll take the bus.

And leave
the court martial to us!

How do you like that--
visibility zero?

Yeah, and you can't
see either.

No, you...

Get that map
out of my face!

You want me
to wreck the ship?

I want to see
what road we're on.

You apple brain,

we haven't been on a road
since we left the air base.

How are we fixed for gas?

How are we
fixed for gas?

Well, the arrow's
pointing halfway,

so I don't know

whether it's half
empty or half full.

Oh.

Remind me
to wallop you later.

I'll make
a note of it.

I...

Ooh, ooh!

What are we
stopping here for?

What are you
stopping for?

I didn't stop it,
it's the engines.

Well, come on, we've got
a repair job to do.

Gentlemen, you are about
to witness a test

of the Navy's
new atomic depth charge,

which has been placed

at the base
of this tower.

This is the bomb...

Powerful enough

to destroy
every enemy submarine

within a radius
of six miles,

and utterly devastate
an equal area on land.

The bomb is adjusted
to maximum sensitivity.

The slightest contact
with moisture

will set it off.

However,
for test purposes,

it will be exploded
by dropping water on it

from this tower.

The countdown
will now begin.

Gentlemen, put on
your safety glasses.

Well, that takes care
of the distributor,

just had
a little sand in it.

Give me the carburetor.
Give me the carburetor.

Give me the carburetor,
give me the carburetor...

Ooh, there it is.

Seven, six...

three, two...

Hurry up.
Here you go.

One of those
crazy desert cloud bursts.

What happened?

Gentlemen,
I don't understand.

That was enough water
to detonate a dozen bombs.

Boy, that was tight,
but I made it fit!

All it takes is
a little know-how.

Hey, what
are you doing,

swimming in a mirage?

No, fellows,
I was just standing there--

Yeah, yeah,
just standing there.

Well, stop
standing there

and climb aboard!

Climb aboard,
all right, climb aboard.

Down with the hatch.

There's some kind of
vehicle out there.

Gentlemen,
someone has stolen the bomb!

Security, security,
this is an emergency,

an emergency!

All right, now, men,
hear this.

This is it.

Contact.

Boy, what power.

If the professor
could only see us now.

All because
we cleaned a little sand

out of the distributor.

Yeah.

Talent shows.

It does?

Take over,
I'll check the fathometer.

Okay.

Hey... hey, we're not
doing too bad.

Okay, up there.

Hey, fellows,

get a load
of the news.

Officials
at Los Amigos Proving Grounds

were thrown
into consternation yesterday

when a new
atomic depth charge

was mysteriously stolen
from its test site

just seconds
before being detonated--

How do you like
those crooks?

Authorities
warn the tremendous
destructive power of this bomb

will be unleashed at once
on the slightest contact--

Can you imagine
stealing an atom bomb?

It just shows you how stupid
some people can get.

Get away from there!

All right, all right.

As you were!

All right, I'm sorry.

But it's disgusting,
I'll say that.

Yes, you are.

Not me,

the people who stole
the bomb, stupid.

We're flying!

A lake.

Full speed
on the choppers.

We haven't gone
underwater yet.

Let's try
the submarine bit.

You lamebrain.

You saw what happened
with sand in the distributor.

What do you think
will happen

with water
in the carburetor?

So what could
possibly happen?

You could possibly
get a busted skull!

All right, all right.

We're flying!

[SHOUTING WITH GLEE]

Oh, blue water.

Blue water.

* ...Land of blue water...

Now, remember, keep
your cotton-picking fingers

off that orbit button.

What do you think,
I'm dumb?

I don't think, I know.

Well, I don't think
you know either.

As I was saying,

keep your
cotton-picking fingers
off the orbit button.

What do you
think I am, dumb?

I don't think, I know.

Well, I don't think
you know either.

Hey, didn't we just do that?

Did you see
what I just saw?

A flying submarine!

Flight 707 to Control--

No, not
a flying submarine.

No, we didn't see it.

No, no, no,
we didn't see a thing.

I know the boys
did their best,

but it's plain,

my machine
wasn't ready after all.

I just hope
they didn't injure themselves.

I guess Tom was right,

maybe I am
just an old crackpot.

Oh, Father,
it's not true.

It is, Carol, it is.

As far as that flying
buzzsaw is concerned.

Not this camera, honey.

This is going to work,
just like I promised.

I'll make it up to them.

[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]

Hiya, professor!

Hi, Carol!

Boys, boys,
am I glad to see you!

We were so worried!

I don't know what about.

We've got news
for you.

We made a few
minor adjustments,

and your chariot
spins like a top.

You can tell
the Air Force

to order another
demonstration.

We'll really show them
something this time.

In due time,
due time, boys.

Wait till you see
the surprise

I've got for you!

Surprise?

Okay, professor,
don't get excited.

Okay, what?

Well, here she is, fellows,
all finished.

Hey, that's wonderful,
but will it work?

Certainly it'll work.

Don't you have any confidence
in the professor?

Don't forget, boys,
this is the 10th of the month,

the day your contract expires.

You've only got
until 6:00 tonight.

6:00! By golly,
he's right!

Don't worry,
I'll get you under the wire.

We'll make a test film
right now

and rush it to the studio.

You've got
things to do,

I'd better get
out of your way.

Okay, Carol, good night.
We'll see you.

Move this thing around
and get some lamps.

Lots of lights.

We'll put it
right about here.

With a long shadow
over there.

Bring me that chair
over there, Larry.

All right, fellows,
come over here

and get yourself
assembled

in a position here,
so that I can...

Good, good.

Now we'll get some makeup,

and you'll be
all set here.

That's it.
Very good.

Oh, good.

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

Yeah, now...
That's it...

That's it, good.

Okay, professor.

Now, I'll get
your special costumes.

Don't worry about the makeup.

It's a special quick-drying
polyunsaturated titanium.

Well, if it's
that quick-drying

polyunsaturated
titanium,

what have we got
to worry about?

Oh, you are
very glib today, professor.

Well, thank you
very much!

What are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, watch it...

Watch with
the makeup.

Just a little--

All right, all right,
that's it.

Wait, wait, a little bit
under your eyebrows.

Well, you take
care of it, sir,

you take care of it.

There you are. There.
Just a dash.

Thank you,
you are so kind.

[KNOCKING]

Hi.

Well, now, Carol,
please, look,

it's only fair to let
the defense have its say.

It seems to me
you've had your say.

That's just it, I want
to make up for it,

to you as well as
to your father.

I believe my father's
quite busy now.

I can explain it to you,

and you can
explain it to him.

Carol, it was complete
and utter chaos,
I was nervous.

I mean, after all,
a general...

Carol, listen.

That does it.

Now, how about
a little act-- anything.

Yeah, I know
something.

How about the...

Oh, sure, I've got it,

the thing
they're all going daffy about.

Yeah.
Got a radio, professor?

Over there.
Okay.

Yeah, music,
that's what we need.

[TWIST PLAYING]

Well, what's the matter?
Are you killing ants?

No, that's
the latest dance step.

Dance step?

Sure.

If you say so.

Good, good.

We're rolling.

The deadline
is 6:00, remember.

You can wash up
in there,

and I'll wait
for you in the car.

We've got
to change clothes.

We'll meet you
at the studio.

Okay, hurry, now.

You look funny.

All right, come on,
you abominable snowman.

Get in there.

We'll get washed up.
What a character.

Cut it out.

Boy, it's going
to feel good

to get out
of this stuff.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Stop clowning
and talk English.

Stop clowning
and talk English.

It wasn't me,
it was them guys.

Oh.
Oh.

Who are those jokers?

Why, they're actors.

Lamebrain, can't you
see the makeup?

The professor
probably hired them

before we got here.

Foreign actors?

Well, you're
too late, boys.

Beat it.

See your agent.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Get some of
that off...

Mars?

"Take the machine
at once.

Destroy the Earth
as you leave."

Destroy the Earth!

Give me the shovel.

Hey, Larry!

I knew you'd understand.

[SPEAKING MARTIAN]

Who are they?

I don't know.

Come on, Joe,

we've got to stop
those Martians.

Yeah, they're going
to blow up the whole world.

Oh, they can't do that.

We won't get
our social security.

Come on.

That gun wasn't
there before.

The boys! Moe!
Larry!

Hold it!

They're going
to shoot!

Let's get
out of here.

Not there! Here!

What...

Operator, operator,

get me Air Force
headquarters,
Los Angeles. Hurry!

But, General Bixby,

I saw them
with my own eyes.

They must be
from outer space!

Now, see here, Andrews.

Not content with
wasting my time

with that cockamamie
washing machine,

you have the colossal nerve

to tell me it's been hijacked
by Martians!

Send all available
intersectors,

alert all bases.

An attack
could come any moment.

Attack, eh?
Who are you trying to kid?

[EXPLOSION]

Good heavens!

Hello, operator?
Operator!

Now the line is dead.

Maybe father can help.

Get me Washington.
Get me the Chief of Staff!

That's right.
This is a red alert!

Repeat, red alert!

That's right,
Scramble flight 678,
14 and 20.

I want every available plane
in the air!

[ALARM]

There's only
one thing to do, men.

We've got
to get in there

and knock those freaks out.

We can't go in there.

They've still got
the space guns.

Yeah, Larry's right,
but I've got an idea.

Save it. I've got
a better idea.

We'll disable
the engine, see,

then this crate
has to go down.

Yeah.
Come on.

You've got nothing
to worry about now.

That's what
you think. Look!

[GUNFIRE]

Get out of there!

You almost got
a cheap haircut.

Hey fellows, no,
we're with you.

We're on your side!

Look at that,
they're going around...

Look.

They're on the ground?

Turn it over to the Army!

Elements of the Army,
Marines, Navy,

Air Force and Coast Guard

are being mobilized
to shoot down the invaders

attacking the city
from the sky.

Civil Defense authorities
are warning all civilians

to keep off the streets.

Oh, no,
not Disneyland!

What are you
doing out there?

It's the Air Force!

It's the Army!

Get those planes
back in the air!

The Army!

Whoa!

The Army!

The Air Force!

The Air Force...
The Army...

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

They are? You're sure?

Admiral Willoughby?

They're over the ocean now...

You're on!

[ALARM]

Hey, fellows, look.

Just like an atomic bomb.

Atomic bomb,
you idiot.

Everybody knows an atomic bomb
makes a great big flash.

Oh, great big flash...

Didn't they say
on the radio yesterday

an atomic bomb
was stolen from the desert?

That's right, so where did all
this sudden power come from?

Are you sure
you handed me a carburetor

back there
in the desert?

Well, I had sand in my eyes.

You had sand
in your brains too.

Come on, sandy,
let's take a look.

Look, AEC.

Yeah, Automobile
Exchange Company.

See, it's
a rebuilt carburetor.

"AEC" is "Atomic
Energy Commission."

That's the bomb!

A bomb! Oh, Moe!

Moe what are we
going to do?

What do you usually do

when somebody
mails you a bomb?

I mail it back.

You birdbrain,
you dunk it in water

and put it
out of commission.

Right.

Larry, go get the water.

Sometimes
I think you're dumb.

Dumb? Well!

Fantastic.
Incredible.

What do you say,
Lansing?

Oh, yes, yes, quite.

Quite.

Son, this here
new process

is exactly what
I've been looking for.

I kind of
thought you'd like it.

Like it? I love it.

I'll double
their salaries

and give them
a 10-year contract,

but they've got
to be here on time,

or it's no deal.

It's two minutes to 6:00
right now, G.G.

They won't make it.
I know them,

they're off dilly-dallying
somewhere.

Hey! You, the cannon.

The cannon?

If they ever hit
those gasoline tanks,

they'll blow
the whole city up.

Hurry up.

I'll get them.

I'll try it again.

Oh, no, Larry, Moe,
I'm stuck!

Help! Help!

I'm trapped, Moe!

Hey, Moe, look!

A periscope.

I'll take care
of that.

How you doing, kid?

Give me that.

When I chop off this tower,
it's going to go down,

so watch yourself.

...has just crashed
into the sea

off the California coast.

We repeat, the danger is over.

The machine
carrying the invaders

has just exploded
in the Pacific Ocean.

The invaders plummeted
into the water

with a devastating explosion
of atomic magnitude.

Navy sources report

the huge mushroom cloud
is still visible

for over 30 miles.

We repeat,
the danger is over.

The machine
carrying the invaders

has just exploded
in the Pacific Ocean.

They'll never
make it, G.G.

30 seconds more,
and their contract expires.

[HELICOPTER APPROACHING]

[OBJECT FALLING]

Just in time!

Congratulations, boys,

I never thought
you'd make it.

A promise
is a promise.

We said
we'd drop in.

On our heads?

* []

If you can't
lick 'em, join 'em.