All language subtitles for A123456

-Hello, friends,

you are watching
"The Great American Joke Off".

Tonight's show features
top comedians --

Fahim Anwar,

Matthew Broussard,

Ed Gamble,

Natasha Leggero,

Alonzo Bodden,

Moshe Kasher,

and I'm Dulcé Sloan.

Let the joking begin.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome to
"The Great American Joke Off",

the show that's
just about the jokes.

Two teams will try to make us
laugh in a series of rounds.

And the winners are whoever

I personally think
are the funniest.

So start sucking up now.

[ Laughter ]

We've got lots of great games
for you.

Is everybody ready?

[ Cheers and applause ]

We start
with the game called...

..."You Know What Annoys Me?"

This is a chance for our
performers to use this platform

to sound off
about the everyday things

that really get
on they last nerve.

So who's gonna start us off?

-You know what annoys me?
The royal family.

There's a group of people
that are rich and famous

just because of the family
that they were born into?

Unh-unh, not in America.

In America, you have to work
for that by making a sex tape.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

Florida.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me

is guys sending [Bleep] pics.

You can't use the worst
part of your body

as a selling point.

That's like trying
to sell your couch

and sending pictures
of the cigarette burns.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]
-You know what annoys me?

I went on a date
with a girl one time,

and she made fun of me
for my colorblindness,

which is, to me,
a huge gray flag.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

Vaping smells too nice
to be cool.

People who vape think
they're cool.

Cigarettes smell horrible.

Vaping's too nice.
You didn't see James Dean

ride off in his motorbike,

leaving a cloud of waffles
and maple syrup behind.

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

People selling life insurance.
Look, I'm single.

I don't have any kids.
If I die heavily in debt, I won.

[ Laughter ]

-The American dream.
[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me
is bees at a picnic,

because you can't swat them
because they can sting you.

So there's a level of respect.

A bee is basically
a fly with a gun.

[ Laughter ]

People act the same way too,
like, "Oh, no, it's a bee,

just be still.

Let it do whatever it wants."

-You know what annoys me?

The worst people in the world --

I think we all know
who are talking about --

the people who bring their own
balls to a bowling alley.

There are loads of balls
already there.

You don't need to bring
your own ball.

You're not showing up
at a sperm bank

with your own sample pot.

"Oh, no, but this one's got
my name engraved on it."

-You are very worked up
about that ball.

[ Laughter ]

How often do you go bowling?

[ Laughter ]

-You know what annoys me?

Is the insult "pretty boy".

It just sucks so bad
being called that,

'cause I have to pretend
to be offended, you know?

Like, "Shut up, pretty boy."

I'm like, "No, you shut up."

But in my head, I'm like.

[ Laughter ]

-That is the biggest
humblebrag I have ever --

[ Laughter ]

You wouldn't get away with that
in a UK comedy club.

The audience would be up
on their feet going,

"[Bleep] kill him now."

[ Laughter ]

-We traded hair styling tips

before the show,
so it takes one to know one.

Yeah, Matthew's like,
"You know what annoys me?

Keeping track of
my bank account.

It's too big."

[ Laughter ]
-"You know what annoys me?

When you trip over
your own [Bleep]"

[ Laughter ]

-I feel you, I feel you on that.

[ Laughter ]

-Let me feel it,
let me feel it!

[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, he was joking around.

Alonzo's like, "100% yes."

-I was gonna say, "Could you
keep it on your own side?"

[ Laughter ]

-Put it over here,
put it over here.

[ Laughter ]

I got space.
I'll give it a nice home.

[ Laughter ]

Right, that's great.
Thank you very much.

Okay, I think the winners are

Matthew, Natasha, and Moshe!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now let's play a game called...

..."What, Where or Who?"

This is where we give
our comedians something

you might say
in either a location

in which to say it
or a person to say it to.

So everyone, your "what" is
bad things to hear from

and your "who" is...

...your roommate.

So let's hear some bad things
to hear from your roommate.

Take it away.

-I wouldn't go in there
for 10 minutes,

which is difficult
'cause that is your bedroom.

[ Laughter ]

-My podcast isn't getting
any traction.

May I murder you?

[ Laughter ]

-You know, I think I might just
dig a big hole

in the garden tonight
to really work off

the stress of
my girlfriend's disappearance.

[ Laughter ]

-Harry, have you seen
our toothbrush?

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah, yeah, I just don't think

I should have
to pay half the water bill

if I'm not gonna shower at all.

[ Laughter ]

-I can't keep track
of all the toenails.

[ Laughter ]

-Your girlfriend is so pretty,
especially when she's asleep.

[ Laughter ]

-Yeah, I'm going to need
first month's rent,

last month's rent,
and a semen deposit.

[ Laughter ]

-I'm cooking tonight,
so I hope you like meth.

[ Laughter ]

-I knew your mom was hot,

but I didn't know
she was that open-minded.

[ Laughter ]

-Is this mole getting bigger?

[ Laughter ]

-Put that away!

-Could you be louder
having sex, please?

I'm trying to [Bleep] in here.

[ Laughter ]

-Did you know your girlfriend
cheats easily?

[ Laughter ]

-Yes, the Wi-Fi password
is all-caps in lowercase,

but all-caps is in lowercase,
and lowercase is all-caps.

[ Laughter ]

-That wasn't yogurt.

[ Audience groans ]

-Well, if you liked that one,
you're gonna love this one.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't
have used your toothbrush,

but technically speaking,
mine [Bleep] is a cavity.

[ Audience groans ]

[ Applause ]

-All right, thank you very much.

Points to Ed Gamble for being
a handsome English gentleman.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Don't go away, we'll be right
back with more of

"The Great American Joke Off"
right after this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back to
"The Great American Joke Off",

where it's all about the jokes.

Our next round is called...

..."Get Up There!"

Two people are going
to do stand-up,

and I'll decide the winner.

So let's see which two people
that's gonna be.

♪♪

Okay, Alonzo and Matthew.

So you two, get up there
in the stand-up area.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And Matthew, you're going first.

So let's see
what your subject is.

♪♪

"Children".

Off you go.

-My girlfriend and I
are not ready for children.

We have an IUD.

Any IUDs in the crowd?

[ Laughter ]
No?

I'll come around
with a metal detector later.

I didn't know about IUDs.

I didn't know what they were
or how they worked.

And I assume the women here
are already familiar,

but I'm a man,
so I'm gonna explain it

with more confidence
and less accuracy.

So what it is,
it's this little T-shaped rod

wrapped in copper coils
that goes up into the uterus.

I don't know how.

I think it's like one of those
ship-in-a-bottle-type mysteries.

[ Laughter ]

An IUD is way simpler.

Just goes up there and then you
can leave it there for that --

that's not where it is.

Is that too high?

I'm very dumb.

I feel like a Texas governor.

I'm like,
"I don't know where it is,

and I don't want to know.

That's between you and God."

All right, your body, my choice.

No.

[ Laughter ]
It goes up there --

I digress -- it goes up there,
and you can leave it there

for like 10 years
before it turns into a diamond.

And I was asking
my girlfriend about it.

I was like, "So what kind of
chemicals does it release?"

She goes, "No, no, no,
it's just copper wire."

And I was like,
"Well, how did

your gynecologist/electrician
explain this steampunk cervix?

What is it, magic?
Is it a Horcrux?

Are there side effects?"

She said,
"Because it's non-hormonal.

She had fewer.

She said, "All I had was
for a couple of days,

there was, like,
a rusty discharge

and some mild discomfort,
and that was it."

And I said, "That's crazy.

Rusty Discharge
is my porn name."

[ Laughter ]

Here's a fun fact
about copper IUDs --

they don't know why they work,
they know that they do.

But the best explanation science
has is, "Hey, paper beats rock,

copper beats baby."

I don't know.

[ Laughter ]
Stop asking so many questions.

And I like to think
it's up there like

a little Olympic gymnast holding
the iron cross just like,

"I got this,
just focus on your career."

[ Laughter ]
Thanks so much.

-All right!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, Matthew.

Alonzo, let's see
what you're doing.

♪♪

Okay, Alonzo, your subject
is "Medicine".

Take it away.

-I am a strong believer
in medicine.

I believe in the vaccine.

I got vaccinated early

back when you had to be
over a certain age.

That's right.

I got fake I.D., I went in,

I told them
I was 81 years old.

[ Laughter ]

They don't know, I'm Black.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

I don't understand
the anti-vaxxers,

the stupid arguments
they come up with.

I mean, imagine how smart

the people were who created
the vaccine --

doctors and scientists,
geniuses.

And they're like, "We did it.
We came up with a vaccine."

They're like,
"It's not gonna work."

"Why not?"

"They won't take it."

"What? No! Why won't they
take the vaccine?"

"Said it'll make them magnetic."

How do you argue with that?

How do you argue
with somebody --

"I taking the vaccine, you know,
it'll make me magnetic."

You know what I say?
"You shouldn't take the vaccine.

The rest of us are trying
to thin the herd.

And if we can get rid of you,

anti-magnetic people,
we'll do a little better."

I think the only reason they
came up with the magnetic story

was to make the Bill Gates story
sound reasonable.

"Ooh, don't take the vaccine.

You know Bill Gates
is tracking you."

What kind of ego do you have

that you think Bill Gates
cares about you?

[ Laughter ]

You think a man
with $100 billion

is just standing around
his living room saying, "Man.

I wonder where Keith is at."

[ Laughter ]

Bill Gates ain't looking
for Keith.

I'll take it a step farther.

If a man with $100 billion
is looking for me,

I'm gonna be easy to find.

[ Laughter ]

Every time he opens his door.

"How are you doing, Mr. Gates?

Heard you were looking for me.

You know what? I'm-a go
find Keith for you.

I'll be right back."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]
-Thank you.

I think Alonzo was the winner.

Both of you come
and sit back down.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Now we play a game called...

..."In The Picture".

I'll show the teams an image and
our comedians suggest captions.

So let's take a look at this
image and see what's going on...

[ Laughter ]

...here.

-Did someone say
they needed their car buffed?

[ Laughter ]

-This is what
every Republican congressman

sees in his head at night
when he shuts his eyes.

[ Laughter ]

-Introducing the new
American flag.

[ Laughter ]

-Accurate.

-Both drivers were gay.

[ Laughter ]

-"Of course they crashed,
there is no back to my thong."

-Is this what happens if you
fart after a protein shake?

[ Laughter ]

-I feel really bad
for those drivers.

They got T-boned and rear-ended.

[ Laughter ]

-"Don't worry, they're not gonna
get more dead back there.

Now, take the picture."

[ Laughter ]

-I heard there was a fire,
so I brought the hoes.

[ Laughter ]

-My clothes burned off,
but I'm okay.

[ Laughter ]

-Is this what happens
when the fire department

concentrate too much
on their calendar shoots?

[ Laughter ]

-Legend has it,
those used to be bike shorts.

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]
-All right!

Matthew Broussard put the
work in, so he gets the round.

[ Cheers and applause ]

We're gonna take
a short break now.

Don't go away,
there's more right after this.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back to "The Great
American Joke Off",

where it's all about the jokes.

And now it's time
for a game called...

..."That Reminds Me".

I'm going to ask a performer to
start talking about any subject.

When they're done,

everyone else can take a turn
to jump in and say,

"That reminds me,"
and do their own bit

based on any thought
that has been triggered.

It all makes sense
once we get going.

So who wants to start?

-My husband, he's always
leaving his socks around.

And it would be one thing
if guys would just

leave their socks on the floor,

but he will pick them up
and put them by the bread.

It's like, why are your socks
by the bread?

I'm asking you,
really, I want to know.

-They're not
all the way done yet.

[ Laughter ]

-That does remind me.

My wife leaves underwear
everywhere

to the extent that female
underwear is no longer sexually

titillating to me
in any way whatsoever.

A bra is now just something
a remote control might be under.

[ Laughter ]

-That reminds me.

Women ask the most tough
and ridiculous questions like,

"Do you remember?"

No, I'm a man.

We invented instant replay,

because we forgot stuff
we just saw.

[ Laughter ]

-That reminds me.

One time I walked in
on a guy on the toilet.

And normally when that happened,
someone would be like,

"Excuse me, someone's in here."

But he just looked up
at me and he went,

"Hey, what's up?"

[ Laughter ]

He was expecting me.

The weirdest thing about it.

He wasn't on his cell phone.

He was just staring at the wall
like a serial killer.

Like, he was taking a poop,
like, in the '90s or something.

[ Laughter ]

Kids don't know that
that's how we used to poop.

There was no Netflix.
You just picked up

cleaning solution
and that was it.

[ Laughter ]

-You know, that does remind me.

In order to have our child,
I had to go to a clinic.

And I had to, you know,
in the in the jar.

Every clinic in America
has adult material to look at.

Who buys the porn?

Is it the doctor?
Please say it's the doctor.

I love that image of a doctor
in his little nerdy lab coat

in an adult bookstore, like,

"In my medical opinions,

I would say that 'Deep Porn 32'
is the best

to produce the specimen."

-You said, "Who buys the porn?"

And I pictured a guy who looks
and dresses exactly like you.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

I prefer her earlier works.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-That has
unfortunately reminded me

of genuinely the time
I did watch some porn,

and at the end there was --

in memory of the porn star
who was in the --

[ Laughter ]

-No!

-That reminds me.

Yoga pants, they are so sexy.

And ladies, don't get mad at me
for following you around

when you're wearing yoga pants,

because you are not going
to a yoga class,

all right?

If we're in the grocery store

and you need something
in aisle three,

I need something
in aisle three.

[ Laughter ]

-And that reminds me --
"Buy yoga pants."

-It's funny. Alonzo,
I tried following women

through the grocery store,
and the police were called.

So I guess we have
a different vibe.

-It's the mullet.

[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, but that's because

you were looking at all the porn
with your glasses

on the end of your nose.

-Dare I say the dairy aisle
is the greatest...

[ Laughter ]
-That reminds me.

Straight after the lockdown,
I started getting tattoos,

because I thought it would
make me look more rock 'n' roll.

But if you look at them now,
it's really not worked, has it?

It doesn't work
with this face at all.

It looks like I've added them
to myself in "The Sims".

[ Laughter ]

-That reminds me. Why are people
getting face tattoos?

Like, now if you see someone
with a neck tattoo,

it's charming.

You're like, "Oh, what
law school did you go to?"

[ Laughter ]

-You want to look more metal
with the tattoos?

-That was the plan.

-But you wore that shirt.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

All right, let's give
that round to Moshe,

and he can share them
with his wife.

[ Cheers and applause ]

And now we come
to one of my favorite rounds,

we call...

..."Celebrity Pickup Lines".

Okay. Make your way
to the pickup area.

[ Cheers and applause ]

The way this works is that

I'm going to give you the names
of some famous figures,

and I want you
to come up with pickup lines

those people might use.

Ready?
Let's try this suggestion.

Characters from "Star Wars".
Let's go.

-Luke, I am your daddy.

[ Laughter ]

-Girl, are you R2-blank-2?

Because you look like
you could use some D.

[ Laughter ]

-Grab some lube.
We're going to the dark side.

[ Laughter ]

-I'm the dark side your mama
warned you about.

[ Laughter ]

-Hey!

-They call me "Star Wars" 'cause
I usually come in threes.

[ Laughter ]

-I call my penis Yoda,
because it's small and powerful.

[ Laughter ]

-I swing both ways,
So just call me Obi-Wan Keno-bi.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Breathes heavily ]

Sorry, I forgot
to unzip my gimp mask.

[ Laughter ]

-To boldly go where
no -- oh [Bleep]

that's "Star Trek".

[ Laughter ]

-That's the better franchise.

-I'm a Yoda in the streets and
a Jar Jar Binks in the sheets.

[ Laughter ]

-I've never seen "Star Wars",
I'm out of jokes.

[ Laughter ]

-Two in the Jar Jar,
one in the Binks.

[ Laughter ]

-All right, all right,
all right.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Let's try this icon.

Batman.

-I'm actually like a bat
in the bedroom, as well.

There's a lot of biting,
and I squeak at the end.

[ Laughter ]

-I'm like
the new "Batman" movie --

unnecessarily long.

[ Laughter ]

-This bat pole does more
than go up and down.

[ Laughter ]

-Hey, do you want to
make out in the alley

where my parents were murdered?

[ Laughter ]

-Alfred likes to watch.

[ Laughter ]

-How'd you like to get a virus
from a bat that isn't COVID?

[ Laughter ]

-Quickly to the bat sex swing!

[ Laughter ]

-Wait, what about
my skintight rubber suit

and young male gymnast assistant
made you think I was gay?

[ Laughter ]

-All right.

[ Cheers and applause ]
Well done!

Matthew, Natasha, and Moshe were
the best from that round.

Come on back and sit down.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, don't move, I'll be back to
tell you who won tonight's show

right after these messages.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back,
that's the end of the show.

And in my opinion, the winners

of "The Great American Joke Off"
this week are

Moshe Kasher, Natasha Leggero,
and Matthew Broussard.

Congratulations to you.

Too bad for Fahim Anwar,
Ed Gamble, and Alonzo Bodden.

See you next time.

Thank you all for watching.

Bye!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪