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(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
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JOKER: l want a nice clean game,
gentlemen.
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PENGUIN: That'll be a first.
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So l hear you-know-who
nailed the Mad Hatter last week.
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JOKER: No kidding?
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00:01:32,032 --> 00:01:34,300
He sure gets around, for one guy.
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TWO-FACE: Yeah, well
that's where you're wron!g.
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l don't think it is one guy.
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KILLER CROC: Huh?
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TWO-FACE: The way l figure it, Gordon's
got a bunch of them stashed someplace
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like a SWAT team.
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He wants you to think
it's one guy, but-
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00:01:48,533 --> 00:01:50,334
JOKER: No, you're always seeing double.
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PENGUIN: It's obvious
our caped friend suffered
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some crime-related trauma
when he was younger.
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Perhaps an overanxious mugger
blew off a piece of his face.
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00:02:00,266 --> 00:02:04,603
JOKER: Sure, he could be all gross
and disgusting under that mask.
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No offense, Harv.
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TWO-FACE: Just deal.
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Well, you know what l think.
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Not the robot theory again.
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Well, he could be.
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POlSON IVY: Hello, boys.
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Get me an herbal tea and deal me in.
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00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:26,700
Scram, lady.
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This is a private-
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(GRUNTS)
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00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,001
Why, you little-
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Poison Ivy.
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lt's been a long time, Harvey.
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00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:44,768
You're still looking halfway decent.
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00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:49,303
-Half of me wants to strangle you.
-And what does the other half want?
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00:02:49,666 --> 00:02:51,334
To hit you with a truck.
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We used to date.
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00:02:53,366 --> 00:02:54,500
BOTH: Ah.
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00:02:55,032 --> 00:02:58,535
What brings such a dainty dove
to this dismal den?
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00:02:58,633 --> 00:02:59,667
-(PmRON GRUNTING)
-(oBJEcrs smAsHINc)
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00:02:59,766 --> 00:03:03,136
Running from the law.
And the Batman, too, of course.
39
00:03:03,666 --> 00:03:05,034
-Of course.
-Likewise.
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00:03:05,333 --> 00:03:07,702
-You got it.
-KILLER CROC: Same here.
41
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,102
You'd think one of us
would've got him by now.
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l've come the closest.
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00:03:11,967 --> 00:03:14,269
Are you kidding?
l was the one who nearly-
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-(BANGS ON TABLE)
-Nobody's come closer to
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00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:17,968
snuffing the Batman than me.
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PENGUIN: In your dreams.
KILLER CROC: Says you.
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00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,667
Get out of my Face.
48
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:23,100
(JoKER WHISTLES)
49
00:03:23,266 --> 00:03:24,667
The fact of the matter is,
50
00:03:24,766 --> 00:03:27,935
we each have
an ''almost got him'' Batman story.
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00:03:28,299 --> 00:03:31,969
l know mine's the best,
but let's hear yours anyway.
52
00:03:32,433 --> 00:03:35,936
l'd say, ''Ladies first ''
but since we don't have any...
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00:03:36,032 --> 00:03:38,701
(CHUCKLES) We'll start with you, Pam.
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All right. This happened last Halloween.
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I had rigged hundreds of pumpkins
56
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,468
to b�ow out poison-�vy gas
when they were lit.
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00:03:55,032 --> 00:03:58,668
_fi !,M,?__,___t:__ __? m
?__/g:/_� _ _ __!gg_ _________fi rg__!pg__;g_
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ln Fact. l was counting on �t.
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00:04:07,833 --> 00:04:08,833
(MmCHSTICK STRIKING)
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00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,101
Trick or treat.
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00:04:18,199 --> 00:04:19,366
(GASPS)
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00:04:19,633 --> 00:04:20,867
(CoUGHING)
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00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:27,833
(GRoANS)
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00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:31,536
lt's midnight, darling. Time to unmask.
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(GASPS)
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00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:49,468
BATMAN: Poison gas...
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00:04:50,533 --> 00:04:52,001
lt's iust the darnedest thing.
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00:04:52,299 --> 00:04:55,335
l have this natural immunity
against poisons, toxins,
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00:04:55,633 --> 00:04:59,203
the pain and suffering of others.
Go figure. Bye.
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(BLoWS KISS)
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00:05:02,199 --> 00:05:03,433
(CoUGHING)
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00:05:06,666 --> 00:05:07,933
(ENGINE WHIRRING)
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(YELPS)
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00:05:42,933 --> 00:05:45,368
And that's how l almost got him.
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00:05:46,032 --> 00:05:48,300
With exploding pumpkins.
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l'd like to hear you do better.
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00:05:51,199 --> 00:05:54,969
Oh, you will,
but l'm saving the best for last.
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00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:57,335
Can't be better than mine.
79
00:05:58,132 --> 00:06:00,334
There was this time l had
just robbed the Gotham Mint
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00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,835
of _1 million in _2 bill_.
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00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:08,702
Lucky for me.
I brought aIong the Two-Ton Gang.
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00:06:10,099 --> 00:06:11,700
(BmMAN GRUNTING)
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00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,503
The coin says you lose, Batman.
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00:06:20,266 --> 00:06:21,333
Tie him up.
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00:06:21,433 --> 00:06:24,269
And iust so you don't get any ideas...
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00:06:27,666 --> 00:06:28,666
(BmMAN GRoWLS)
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00:06:33,266 --> 00:06:36,636
We'll see how tough you are
without your toys.
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00:06:37,199 --> 00:06:39,334
(TWo-FACE LAUGHING SINISTERLY)
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00:06:52,766 --> 00:06:54,434
So, what happened next?
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00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:57,468
l thought as long as l had
Batman at my mercy,
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00:06:58,266 --> 00:07:00,334
he deserved a 5O-50 chance.
92
00:07:01,533 --> 00:07:07,272
Here's the deal. The coin lands
face down, you'll be squashed Flat.
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00:07:08,366 --> 00:07:12,336
lt lands face up, it'll just break
every bone in your body.
94
00:07:31,032 --> 00:07:33,100
Hey, where's my coin?
95
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,769
Anybody see where l... Oh, no.
96
00:07:41,333 --> 00:07:43,968
Now. Launch it now!
97
00:08:05,633 --> 00:08:06,867
(GRoANS)
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00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:11,533
(BoTH GRUNT)
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00:08:21,099 --> 00:08:22,467
(BoTH YELLING)
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00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:34,032
(GASPS)
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00:08:34,433 --> 00:08:36,334
BATMAN: Here. l owe you a dollar.
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00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:41,602
TWO-FACE: And if it
weren't for this blasted coin,
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l would've got him.
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00:08:44,366 --> 00:08:46,868
Gee, that's too bad, Harv.
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00:08:47,099 --> 00:08:49,935
But l guess
you'll always come in second.
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00:08:50,766 --> 00:08:52,200
Anyone else want a go?
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KILLER CROC: Me!
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00:08:54,933 --> 00:08:57,302
There l was, holed up in this quarry
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00:08:57,700 --> 00:09:02,204
when Batman came nosing around.
He was getting closer, closer...
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00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:05,202
-POlSON IVY: And?
-l threw a rock at him.
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00:09:14,766 --> 00:09:17,535
So, Harvey,
what became of the giant penny?
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00:09:18,299 --> 00:09:19,667
lt was a big rock.
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00:09:20,032 --> 00:09:21,967
They actually let him keep it.
114
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:26,835
TWO-FACE: Whose deal is it?
PENGUIN: Mine.
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00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:30,969
l Find your middling
machinations mildly diverting.
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00:09:31,466 --> 00:09:33,467
But for sheer criminal genius,
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00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:38,504
none surpasses my most recent
ornithologically-inspired entoilment.
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00:09:39,299 --> 00:09:42,635
Smaller words, please.
You're losing Croc.
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(MUMBLES)
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00:09:44,533 --> 00:09:47,002
For weeks, l let rumors circulate
through the underworld
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00:09:47,266 --> 00:09:52,104
oF my plan to steal a pair ofpr�celess
breed�ng condors from the Gotham Zoo.
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00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:55,869
Sure enough, on the appointed night,
guess who showed up.
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(LoCK CLMERS)
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(PENGUIN GASPS)
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(GRoWLS)
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(GAS HISSING)
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Curses, l would grab the wrong umbrella.
128
00:10:35,766 --> 00:10:36,833
(DooR SLAMS)
129
00:10:38,299 --> 00:10:40,801
PENGUIN: Welcome,
my ebon-winged adversary.
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00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:44,102
You have taken the bait
as l knew you would.
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00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:49,170
Now, prepare to meet your end
within my aviary of doom.
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00:10:50,032 --> 00:10:51,333
Aviary of what?
133
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:54,702
Yeesh, Pengers, how corny can you get?
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00:10:55,199 --> 00:10:56,199
(SCoFFS)
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00:10:56,433 --> 00:11:00,603
Just because you mundane miscreants
have no drama in your souls...
136
00:11:01,199 --> 00:11:03,367
Anyway, there he was in my-
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00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:06,201
Big birdhouse.
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00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:18,768
PENGUIN: Beautiful, aren't they?
139
00:11:19,132 --> 00:11:21,334
Like glittering fragments
oF the rainbow.
140
00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:25,202
By the way, that mist l sprayed on you
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00:11:25,366 --> 00:11:28,135
is derived from the nectar
these birds drink.
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00:11:28,933 --> 00:11:31,368
-(GRUNTS)
-lt's quite harmless.
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00:11:32,099 --> 00:11:35,202
But their poison-tipped beaks,
however, are not.
144
00:11:42,099 --> 00:11:44,434
A scratch or two
will merely slow you down.
145
00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,135
Three or Four,
and you'll start to get drowsy.
146
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:52,303
And after that, well, l wish l could say
it's been nice knowing you.
147
00:11:52,466 --> 00:11:53,466
(PENGUIN CHUCKLES)
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00:11:55,433 --> 00:11:57,334
-(GRUNTS)
-(BmARANc wHoosHINc)
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00:11:58,266 --> 00:11:59,467
(WmER SPRAYING)
150
00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:07,633
(GASPS)
151
00:12:07,967 --> 00:12:09,468
PENGUIN: Oh, well played.
152
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,603
Now to take a poison antidote
from your miraculous belt.
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00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:16,867
(GRUNTS)
154
00:12:17,099 --> 00:12:18,867
And l suggest you do it quickly,
155
00:12:19,299 --> 00:12:23,036
_i '___" _'i'#!_r__ft"_'___L_
_M_ _Ufiyi\_ __ __ 5_\ _nU_m_!_o
156
00:12:23,933 --> 00:12:24,933
(SQUAWKING)
157
00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:29,867
(BmMAN GRUNTS)
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00:12:32,132 --> 00:12:33,132
(GRoANING)
159
00:12:33,933 --> 00:12:35,100
(SQUAWKING)
160
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,034
(SCREECHING)
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00:12:57,633 --> 00:12:58,700
(CLICKS)
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00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,869
PENGUIN: Naturally, l had flown the coop
by the time he escaped.
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00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,935
Still, l almost got him.
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00:13:16,466 --> 00:13:18,100
JOKER: Not even close.
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00:13:18,766 --> 00:13:20,868
You see, the thing you're forgetting
166
00:13:21,166 --> 00:13:24,135
is that there are
all sorts of ways to get someone.
167
00:13:24,666 --> 00:13:27,435
Take my latest run-in with Batsy.
168
00:13:27,833 --> 00:13:30,769
lt was iust last night,
as the entire country
169
00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:34,136
was tuning into its favorite talk show.
170
00:13:36,099 --> 00:13:38,701
-(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
-HARLEY: It's Late Night Gotham Live!
171
00:13:39,299 --> 00:13:43,169
And here's the man who puts a smile on
your face, whether you want it or not,
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00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,334
the Joker.
173
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,268
(APPLAUSE)
174
00:14:09,867 --> 00:14:11,435
(GUN CoCKING)
175
00:14:19,299 --> 00:14:21,501
Good evening, folks. l'm the Joker.
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00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:24,869
Living prooFthat you don't have to be
crazy to host this show,
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00:14:24,967 --> 00:14:25,967
but it helps.
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00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:28,100
-(CACKLES)
-(DRum RoLL)
179
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:32,601
We've got a real treat for you, kids.
180
00:14:33,132 --> 00:14:37,870
l ran into my first guest last night
while making a withdrawal from the bank.
181
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,268
You know him as ''The Dark Knight,''
182
00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:43,102
but we prefer to think of him
as history.
183
00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:47,536
(CHUCKLES) Here he is,
the one and only...
184
00:14:48,666 --> 00:14:50,000
Batman.
185
00:15:13,500 --> 00:15:17,003
We're back with my extra-special guest.
186
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:22,967
So how's Robin?
187
00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:30,601
Oh. Moving right along.
188
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,937
You know, kids, we've got an item here
no home should be without.
189
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:39,203
The laughter-activated
electric chair. (CHUCKLES)
190
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:44,704
Yes, sir, the merest titter or guffaw
starts the chair's generator revving up
191
00:15:44,833 --> 00:15:46,501
towards maximum zappage.
192
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,034
Harley?
193
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:51,301
(SLOWLY) Ha, ha, ha.
194
00:15:54,099 --> 00:15:55,099
(GRoANS)
195
00:15:55,299 --> 00:15:56,500
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
196
00:15:57,266 --> 00:16:01,703
But for a real demonstration,
we're pumping our studio audience
197
00:16:01,867 --> 00:16:04,703
full oF my patented laughing gas.
198
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:07,768
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
199
00:16:10,299 --> 00:16:11,600
(GRoANS)
200
00:16:11,766 --> 00:16:15,836
These yahoos will laugh at anything now,
even the phone book.
201
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,167
(CLEARS THRom)
202
00:16:18,533 --> 00:16:23,037
Marvin Abbott, 555-8976.
203
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:24,968
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
204
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,134
(GRoANING)
205
00:16:28,533 --> 00:16:32,770
Gerald Adams, 555-9011.
206
00:16:33,366 --> 00:16:34,967
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
207
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:37,600
(GRoANING)
208
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:42,502
M.J. Addison, 555-
209
00:16:42,666 --> 00:16:43,666
(GASPS)
210
00:16:48,266 --> 00:16:49,467
(CmWoMAN SNARLING)
211
00:16:51,299 --> 00:16:52,299
Hey!
212
00:16:53,132 --> 00:16:54,266
(JoKER GRUNTS)
213
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:00,801
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
214
00:17:00,933 --> 00:17:02,501
(GRoANING)
215
00:17:06,766 --> 00:17:08,601
(WHIP SWISHING)
216
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:12,767
(ALL GRUNTING)
217
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,935
CATWOMAN: Show's over, Joker.
218
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:26,169
JOKER: Catwoman, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's hear it for her.
219
00:17:26,466 --> 00:17:27,667
(HIGH VoLTAGE BUZZING)
220
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,434
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
221
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,034
(EXPLoSloN)
222
00:17:35,099 --> 00:17:36,300
TWO-FACE: Almost got him.
223
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:39,936
Yes, if not for that infatuated feline.
224
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:43,870
Oh, but that's the best part.
Once the chair went up,
225
00:17:44,166 --> 00:17:46,601
l was out ofthere tout de suite.
226
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,666
(LAUGHS)
227
00:17:52,299 --> 00:17:53,466
(JoKER EXCLAIMS)
228
00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:56,835
Miss Kitty still wanted
to play cat-and-mouse,
229
00:17:57,132 --> 00:18:00,602
never dreaming l st�ll had
an ace up my sleeve.
230
00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:01,967
-(THUDS)
-(cAspINc)
231
00:18:08,867 --> 00:18:13,004
And by golly,
speaking oF aces, looky here.
232
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,802
TWO-FACE: l can't believe his luck.
KILLER CROC: Oh, darn.
233
00:18:17,967 --> 00:18:19,601
PENGUIN: Let me see those cards.
234
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:26,370
Now, now, no sore losers. (CHUCKLES)
235
00:18:27,032 --> 00:18:28,700
Hey, l don't get it.
236
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:31,535
You iust knocked out Catwoman
and left her?
237
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,668
Oh, come on, Crockers,
238
00:18:33,933 --> 00:18:36,969
didn't l say there's more
than one way to ''get someone''?
239
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,633
Even as l speak,
240
00:18:38,766 --> 00:18:43,270
Catwoman is being trussed up
at the Pussykins Pet Food factory.
241
00:18:43,666 --> 00:18:49,004
First thing tomorrow, l'm sending
a lovely case of cat food to Batman.
242
00:18:49,466 --> 00:18:50,800
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
243
00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,600
BATMAN: l don't think so.
244
00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:57,500
(JoKER GRoANING)
245
00:19:02,466 --> 00:19:05,836
Was it something l said? (CHUCKLES)
246
00:19:10,933 --> 00:19:13,969
PENGUIN: Well, well.
An impostor in our midst.
247
00:19:14,466 --> 00:19:17,268
Risking everything
for your kitty, Batman?
248
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:19,501
You're not getting out oF this one.
249
00:19:20,266 --> 00:19:21,800
Maybe. (SNAPS)
250
00:19:22,166 --> 00:19:24,167
(GUNS CoCKING)
251
00:19:32,533 --> 00:19:35,302
But l'm not bad with traps myself.
252
00:19:49,032 --> 00:19:50,433
(CmWoMAN SNARLING)
253
00:19:53,833 --> 00:19:57,169
l had a kitty once. You know,
they don't always land on their feet.
254
00:19:57,466 --> 00:19:58,600
(GRoWLS)
255
00:19:59,166 --> 00:20:00,467
Look on the bright side.
256
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:03,468
Tomorrow, you'll be feeding
hundreds of hungry cats.
257
00:20:03,666 --> 00:20:06,802
The fun starts
as soon as Mr. J comes back.
258
00:20:07,533 --> 00:20:08,600
BATMAN: Don't wait up.
259
00:20:11,132 --> 00:20:12,132
(HARLEY GASPS)
260
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:18,871
Back off, Bats, or say ''ciao''
to your girIFriend. Cat chow, that is.
261
00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:21,767
That's a good little rodent.
262
00:20:21,833 --> 00:20:23,935
And iust to make sure
you don't Follow me...
263
00:20:24,299 --> 00:20:25,466
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
264
00:20:27,333 --> 00:20:28,867
(CmWoMAN STRUGGLING)
265
00:20:38,867 --> 00:20:42,837
Gee, Batman, what you gonna do,
kick me around or save your kitten?
266
00:20:45,366 --> 00:20:47,367
You've only got time for one.
267
00:20:57,366 --> 00:21:00,368
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Good call. Help.
268
00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:10,701
CATWOMAN: Thanks for coming after me.
269
00:21:11,032 --> 00:21:12,099
BATMAN: l owed you.
270
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,601
Well, l'd like to think our relationship
271
00:21:14,666 --> 00:21:18,169
isn't just restricted to saving
each other from freaks and weirdos.
272
00:21:18,466 --> 00:21:21,535
And that maybe we'd have a place
for each other without Gotham,
273
00:21:21,967 --> 00:21:22,967
without the freaks.
274
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,869
Maybe without masks.
275
00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:27,633
Maybe.
276
00:21:28,099 --> 00:21:29,433
(SIREN BLARING)
277
00:21:30,533 --> 00:21:31,533
(CLoAK FLAPPING)
278
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,001
Hmm. Almost got 'im.
279
00:21:51,466 --> 00:21:53,467
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
280
00:22:17,166 --> 00:22:18,166
English - SDH
20023
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