All language subtitles for Personal Services 1987 1080p WEBRip x265-RARBG

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What is it? What
does it mean? What?

Diy. Do it yourself.

I know, but it's not plumbing,

not messing about with
black & Decker drills.

It might be. Tell me.

Do it yourself. I know.

Well, that's what it is. What?

Do it yourself.

No, still don't get it.

She squeals

ho, ho, ho. Oh, I
see, do it yourself!

That's filthy, really filthy.
How do you know that?

I didn't know. How do
you know these things?

And o-levels. What
are o-levels? Ssh.

Why? Why shush? Don't tell
me to shush. O-levels are exams.

What my David's doing at his
private school. He's doing his o-levels.

Here you are.

Do you enjoy it, June? What?

Sex. When I get
it. What about you?

Wet knickers and missed periods.

First time I had it,

I thought I'd been knocked
down by a brewer's dray.

Eh! Rose!

You bugger!

You owe me rent.

Bloody tart!

Can you cover for me? I've
got to go out. What, now?

Bcsd. Bcsd.

Christine, bcsd.

Oh, Christmas!

Oh, thanks, babe.

What about tonight?
What about the weekend?

The Dorchester.
David's sports day.

Dinner and dance. Very nice.

And put your best frock on.

Bcsd. Bcsd.

Telephone rings

hello.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Yes. Yes, ginette is 22.

She has a full but
firm 36-24-36 figure

and offers a full
personal service.

You will like her.

Ginette has devastating
revealing photos,

caters for party lovers, and
offers a full theatrical wardrobe.

French maid, nurse,
gymslip, that kind of thing.

Mild cp and other games.

Executive fun for the over 40s.

Kinky but not cruel.

Why not pop round?

Good. Bye-bye.

Excuse me. Thank you. Sorry.

Door buzzer

forgot my keys.

See you later. Make
yourself at home. Ha ha!

Oops, excuse me.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

You have an appointment with
the governess. Is that correct?

No, that is not correct.

I have an appointment
with the nanny.

Mr marples, for the nanny.

I thought mr marples
was for house of pain.

No, winkie-poos and bot-bots.

Oh, god! It's taken me
an hour to get into this lot.

Baby cries

Gotcha! Oh!

Where's my bloody rent?

I want my...

They grunt

man: Miss painter?

Rent. You owe me rent.
It's the rent man. I heard him.

Miss painter, I know
you're in there. Open up.

I want my rent. I want
my rent, do you hear me?

R-e-n-t spells rent. I
know you're in there.

Miss painter.

Rent by Friday or I send in the
heavy mob. See how you like it.

Rent.

Oh, gawd, I'm sorry, Christine.
I ain't done the business.

I've had the curse, and the flu.

Terrible flu, and
the curse as well.

Business is terrible.

I'm here all on my own.

There's the phone to answer,
the door, the client to service.

Then get a maid. I'd better go
before someone steals the baby.

What are you doing
with that? My one's broke.

I'll get you one. What?

A maid. You?

First thing Monday morning.
Get your knickers into gear.

Buzzer

Yes? Oh, is... is Melanie here?

No, she's not.

Yes? Are you free at the moment?

Are you a married man? Yes.

What about your wife,
then? What's wrong with her?

Well, we've not
had sex for 23 years.

Are you available?

What do you think I am?

Mr popozogolou. Miss painter.

How convenient
to find you at home.

May I come in?

Yes, of course. Come in.

This way, please.

Come in, sit down,
make yourself at home.

I suppose you're here
for the rent. That is correct.

Miss painter, you are one
week behind with the rent.

One whole week. I
haven't got it, but I can get it.

I always pay my way. I
believe in paying my own way.

That is very correct.

Miss painter...

..You do not live here, do you?

I'd like to live here.

You are subletting,
yes? I suppose so.

To what kind of person
you are subletting?

Same as a lot of the other flats
in this block. You should know.

Prostitutes. Tarts.

I see.

You're doing all right here.
All these flats. What a racket.

Oh, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa.

Miss painter,

what are you going
to do about the rent?

I have a son at school, private
school. I have to pay the fees.

I'll give it to you next week.

Why wait until next week?

Give me a week.

Why wait until next week
when you can pay me now?

I can't pay you now.

The rent, miss painter.

It must be paid.

One way or another.

Oh.

I had a sexual encounter
with my landlord today.

What brought that on? The rent.

Mr popozogolou.

That's his name.

Christine, get rid of 'em.

What? Those flats.
Get rid of 'em, all of 'em.

She's right, Christine. If
the cows paid the rent...

They won't pay the rent.

You're the only
ones that ever pay.

Look, bugger the girls.
You get rid of those flats.

Dolly, have a look at this.

Ain't that lovely?

I could live in that. Yeah.

Here. What's this for?

It's a bit extra. You've already
paid. You can't pay twice.

We've been using your living
room as well as your bedroom.

We've been off our feet.

And I'm away for the next
two weeks. Is that next week?

It's the next two
weeks. I told you.

I'm Saudi Arabia this weekend,

and then off down to
Ron's mum in Brighton.

Saudi Arabia?

For the weekend.
For the weekend?

She's got a sheik in Saudi
Arabia. 104 if he's a day.

Flies me out when he gets
Randy. Once every two years.

What about your sugar daddy?

The one with the big car.

He's got loads of
money. What's his name?

Sydney. Bcsd.

What's bcsd?
Big car, small dick.

It's true, Shirley.
I can't find it.

I spend all my time
rummaging inside his pyjamas

looking for his little Willy.

Too many things can go wrong
with sex. Too many bits and pieces.

He takes you to nice
places. There's no romance.

No dick. No dick.

Not like mr popozogolou.

He had a really funny
one, mr popozogolou.

Marry him. Keep you laughing.

It was like... it wasn't
long, but my god, it was...

What's that German
sausage called?

Salami. Liverwurst.

Liverwurst. It was like a lump
of liverwurst. It was like that.

He wanted me to put it in
his mouth. Can you imagine?

His mouth? My mouth. You know.

What did you do?

I went down and had
a look. And then what?

I came back up
again bloody quick.

I couldn't do it for
love, let alone money.

So what did you do? I did
him with my hand. This one.

A hand job? That's right.

A wank. A popozogolou.

A popozogolou!

It... it went...

It went... brrrp!

Just like that.

Really high. I mean,
even he was surprised.

I'll pay. I need a wee.

He's a nice man, mr
popozogolou. I felt sorry for him.

What are you doing the
next couple of weeks?

I thought I might knit a cardie.

You know Rose? Scrag-end Rose?

Could you maid for her until
she finds somebody else?

No. Why not?

She's a scrubber. I wouldn't
maid for no scrubber.

Oh, here's Ron.

Hello, Ron. All right, doll?

Come on, we'd better
go, love. See you.

'She's a young model of 21,
a petite figure, but very sexy.

'You will like her.

'That is correct. Yes. She
offers a full personal service.

'Sophisticated,
discreet, and clean.

'Five o'clock last caller.
Why not pop round?

We are 33, that's
3-3, pierpoint street.

That's right, as in Albert.

Hope to see you, then.

God, I'm freezing!

What man in his right mind

wants to get his cock
out in this weather?

Hi.

What are you doing
here? We've got one.

What? Client. I'm your new maid.

You? A prostitute's
maid? Why not?

Get a move on. You've got a
client. Bugger him. I need a coffee.

Listen to me. I've chucked
in my job at the cafe for this.

So get in here, get on
your back, and get busy.

Well, who is it? I don't
want no time wasters.

Oh, it's you.

All right. I'll do him first.

Come on.

Thanks.

Bloody hell!

That was quick.

See the man to the
door, then. Yes, of course.

Thank you. Goodbye. Oh, thank
you. Did you change your mind?

Pardon?

Did you change your mind?

No.

Oh, come again, then.

Nice to see you. Thank you.

Bye. Bye.

That was quick.
"That was quick".

Piss off and make some coffee.

You look like Dracula's
daughter. "That was quick".

It was quick. It was in and
out, just like that. In, out.

You do, you look just
like Dracula's daughter

in that outfit, you really do.

Oh, leave me alone.
Just piss off, will you?

Piss off! Piss off yourself.

This is my flat. Speak to me
like that! You can piss off yourself.

Right. I will.

I've got better things to do.

I'm not freezing my
tits off in this dump.

You can stick it up your
gonger. Eight weeks' rent.

No, no, you said piss
off, and piss off I shall.

Eight weeks' rent.

Here. You reckon
you're so bloody juicy.

Get on your back
and earn it yourself.

Cow!

Hello? No, she's not here.

No. No, she's gone
to a health farm.

Oh, yes, we are.

If you ring tomorrow,
there'll be a new girl on.

Sentimental music on radio

Dracula's daughter.

Can I come in, babe?

Gawd, Sydney, do I need it?

What do you want, Sydney?
It's the middle of the night.

What do you want?

Oh, babe. I've been thinking,
babe. I'm not a babe, Sydney.

I'm not your babe or
anybody else's baby, all right?

I know you're not,
babe. What do you want?

I've come to ask
you to marry me.

Oh, dear.

No, I know it's not a very
good idea. I know it's not.

But if you think
about it, it is.

You need somebody,

somebody to look after you.

I've got loads of money.

You know, loads.

And no-one to share it with.

I could look after you.

Say yes, and I'll open
a bottle right now.

Pop, just like that.

Bottle of bubbly.

I bought you some flowers.

Think about it, babe.

When you wake in the
morning and see these flowers...

..Think about it.

There's a bottle of
bubbly waiting. There.

One on the way,
dear. One on the way!

Ha, ha! I hope not. Dolly, I can't
stop piddling. Where's the gin?

You don't have to do it.
What's sex ever done for me?

Up the duff at 16.
That's no reason.

If you don't want
to do it, don't.

Knock at door gah!

Pull yourself together,
do. Go on, get in there.

Go on.

Dolly, I need another widdle.

How much do I charge?
Leave that to me. Go on!

Ready, dear?

Oh!

I'm ready.

You don't look it. I'm ready.

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, it's you.

Fancy meeting you here.

We know each other.
Come in, come in.

Thank you.

It's all right, Dolly. Shut your
mouth. Go on. It's all right.

Well, fancy meeting you here.

Caught up with you at last, eh?

Would you like a cup of tea?

Pardon? Would
you like a cup of tea?

Have two. No extra charge.
I've only got a short time.

Oh. Business.

What line of
business are you in?

Double glazing. Double
glazing? Well, I never.

Yes.

What a lot of job
satisfaction there must be...

In... double glazing.

Bringing all that extra
warmth into people's lives.

You've not had sex
for 23 years, have you?

Pardon?

You told me. No, with my wife.

I've not had sex with
my wife for 23 years.

Oh.

She's an invalid.

I'm sorry. 23 years. That
must get very frustrating for you.

Your maid said you
give excellent French?

Oh, yes, very good. Every time.

Just exactly how do
you like your French?

Well, I'd like you to wear
bright red lipstick, if you can.

Really? I'm willing
to pay extra for that.

Right. Ah, oh, no.

Er, just a minute.

Dolly. Dolly, we've
got no doodahs.

No, you know, contraventives.

Contraventives? Yes, you know...

Doodahs. Oh, French letters.

That's it. Plonkers. We've
got no plonkers, Dolly.

I look a right
bloody tart in this.

Here you are. Get a move on.

These are black. Dolly,
these are black. I know.

They're for black men.

No, chinamen use them
all the time. Do they?

Bloody Ada!

He's a lovely man. Brings happiness
to millions with double glazing.

He's not had sex for 23 years.

Telephone rings

right.

Do you think this
looks nice? Oh, yes.

I prefer it in a chair,
if you don't mind.

In a chair?

Yes.

I've never done it in a chair.

Now, where would you
like me, exactly? Well...

With me myself sitting,
and you kneeling.

You want me to sit?

No, I'm sitting.

Where am I? Kneeling.

Kneeling? Yes, I'm
sitting and you're kneeling.

On the floor.

On the floor? I find
that's the best way.

I see. You'll have to wear
one of these. What, for French?

Do you think I want
to get pregnant?

How can you get
pregnant? Very easily indeed.

That's not what I want. I should
think not. What do you want?

A blow job.

Please.

Deep throat.

If possible.

Oh.

That's why I
wanted the lipstick.

Well, you'll still have
to wear one of these.

Very well.

Do you see what I'm wearing?

You like that, don't you?

Yes, I do. Do you like my legs?

Yes.

Do you? Yes, I do.

Come here. Come a bit closer.

Now, I want you to
kneel, there's a good boy...

..But not to touch
my lovely legs.

They're lovely. Yes.

Very smooth.

Just here, above
the stocking. Yes.

Very smooth.

There, look. Get closer.

But not to touch.

Now, I'm going to give
you something very special.

Very special indeed.

It's called a popozogolou.

Thank you, dear. Thank you.

Oh.

She's nice.

She's very nice indeed. Good.

One here, another on the
way, dear. Bloody Ada! Hang on.

Stinks like a bleeding
brothel in here. You all right?

Like a concert pianist. We're
going to need lots of tissues.

She's not quite ready, dear.

I'm ready. Come in.
Sit down. Lie down.

Make yourself comfortable.
Thank you, Dolly.

You're busy. Never
a dull moment.

What's on offer? Well...

I have been doing French,

but there's a special on
today - a popozogolou.

Very tasty. I'm sure you
won't be disappointed.

How much?

Oh, Dolly deals with that.
Dolly deals with the lolly!

Who's Dolly?

Her outside. She's my maid.

Your maid? I see. And
she deals with the money?

That's right.

Get back to you on this
one, all right? Oh, yes.

Everything all right, dear?

I discuss the price with
you, right? If you want, yes.

Good.

See you later.

Funny man. Gangster.

Sexy bugger.

Da-da! Shirley!

Christine. Dolly,
look who's here.

I can see. Dolly.

Another couple of weeks,
Dolly, we'll have one.

Listen to her. What's she doing?

French polishing. Put yourself
in the hands of an expert.

Her doing French? I don't
even know what it means.

I don't. I just copied
it off another notice.

Christine, French polishing!

What? Is that what it is? French
polishing? Oh, bloody Ada!

I'd better change that notice
quick. Er, excuse me, ladies.

Morton, ex-wing
commander, retired.

Oh, yes. You rang.
That is correct.

I have a dilapidated
piece of mahogany veneer

in dire need of renovation.

Can you help?
What? Yes, come on.

Soon Polish it up for
you. Oh, jolly good.

Step this way. Have it
looking like new in no time.

Wing commander!
Don't believe a word of it.

207 missions over
occupied territory,

madam, in bra and panties.

Shut up! Yes, madam.

Filthy mind. Yes, madam.

Quite a shine on that. Indeed.

It's coming along
nicely, auntie Christine.

Would you like a go? Oh, no,
no. You're doing very nicely.

Why not do it together?

You dirty old sod. Yes, madam,
I'm certainly that, madam.

Oh! Police, love.

You're nicked.

Pass me a tissue, wing
commander, there's a dear.

They've dropped the brothel
and immoral earnings charges.

Insufficient evidence.
That lets you off, Dolly.

That only leaves the
charge for soliciting.

You'll be in and
out in two minutes.

How? How was I soliciting?
A doddle. Just plead guilty.

I was on the pavement,
looking at your arab's car.

I was not soliciting.
Par for the course, dear.

Look at all these men.

I know all their secrets. That's
why they want to lock us up.

Don't get deep, Dolly. Will it be
in the Harlow new town gazette?

I can see my dad's face.
My sister's wedding, Saturday.

He's a nasty little shit.
Needs a good whipping!

What are you looking
at? You looking at my tits?

He's looking at my tits.
Arrest him for looking at my tits.

Too young to be a
policeman. Still a virgin.

Bet you could change all that.

Woman: Painter,
please. Painter. Painter!

Drive a car? Yeah.

Drive a big car, do you? Yeah.

Thought so.

We're on. Right. Guilty.

Guilty. All my fault.

What do you reckon?

She'll need a
holiday after this lot.

She's very good.

I never said she wasn't.

What news, ladies?
What are you doing here?

Interested party. Character
witness. Has she gone in yet?

Just put your bum
down there. Thank you.

Hello, shirl. Hello, love.

She's good, you
know. She's got talent.

That is correct.
How do you know?

I'm an expert in these matters.

We should go in
together, the three of us.

Take that big flat of hers,
the one with the pink bedroom.

Cater for kinks? Popozogolous
and gymslips. 50 quid a throw.

Strictly kinky people.

The future lies in kinky people.

Guilty!

Ah, madam...

Guilty!

Come on.

Know his problem? I can read
him, no trouble. Can't get it up.

God knows why
I'm sitting in the front.

Royalty in the back,
dear. Pull over, Sydney.

Over there. What?

"What?" you'll be saying balls
to the general next. Over there!

Come on, David. In.

Why do I have to wear
my school uniform?

You'll wear your uniform.
Put your cap on. In.

You're all crooked.

There we are. That's
better. Give us a smile.

Pull up.

Where? In front of the
church, for goodness' sake!

I can't park there.
Yes, you can. Pull up.

You need a chauffeur, that's
what you need. You keep quiet.

And a Butler. You and
your little Willy, keep quiet.

What? Balls to the
general. Shut up.

I haven't got a little Willy.
It's your most striking feature.

Fine conversation to be
having in front of your son.

Hello. Hello, auntie
winnie. Hello, darling.

Come on, get a bloody move on.

Cap.

I can see your knickers, Dolly.

Horn honks

hello, dad.

Hello, Lizzie. We're here!

I thought it must be you. Hello.

Oh, you look lovely,
Lizzie, you really do.

I wish it was me. Mum
should be here, shouldn't she?

I wish mum was here to see you
now. I'm going to watch you get out.

She looks lovely. She really
does. It's the veil that does it.

Look at my dad. That's my dad.

I need a leak, babe. Disgusting.

Gotcha!

Give us a kiss, come on. Cheer
up. Don't cover me in lipstick.

Why don't you go into church?
I wish mum could see this.

You look so smart. Oh, don't
go on. She's been dead 19 years.

It's still a pity she missed it.

David, come and say
hello to your grandad.

This is your sister's
day. I wish it was me.

I don't want it spoilt for
her. Never mind, dad.

Three pairs of
knickers and that smile,

nothing will get
through to Lizzie.

Good luck.

Organ plays

put it on. We're in church.

Take it off, then. Take it off.

It's the old bill.

That's Edgar. My sister's
marrying a copper - silly cow.

Takes all sorts.

What are you doing
here? What do you mean?

Aren't you Jewish? What?

Because if you are you're
not supposed to be in here.

It's a church.

I know it's a church.
And I'm not Jewish.

Before we begin, a
word about photographs.

As a Mark of respect
to Edgar and Elizabeth,

I would ask the congregation to
refrain from taking photographs

until the signing
of the register.

We have come together
in the presence of god...

To witness the marriage
of Edgar and Elizabeth.

To ask his blessing on
them and to share in their joy.

Bells toll

Cheering and applause

lovely.

Cheering

lovely. Lovely, Lizzie.

No confetti,
please. No confetti.

He's a widower, so watch
your step. Oh, really?

Never married. Well,
not since mum died.

Confirmed bachelor. 19 years.

What a waste. Thank you.

Your friend has
excellent taste, Christine.

David's over there
somewhere, dad.

Congratulations. I like
your dress. Thank you.

Straight out of woman's realm.
And Edgar. Edgar, this is Dolores.

How do you do? Congratulations.
I hope you'll be very happy.

Thank you, Dolores.
Thank you very much.

You don't know my
mother? No, I don't.

This is my mum. Oh!

I didn't think
she'd still be alive.

Well I never. This is Edgar's
mother, Dolly. Hello, dear.

Come on, Dolly.

Let's circulate. Find
ourselves a husband.

Oh, god, that's better. Running
buffet? It's more like a stampede.

She's a mean cow, my sister.

Tuppence says there's
marg in the bridge rolls.

Oh, god. She's
got it all organised.

And Edgar! Have you ever seen
anything more boring than Edgar?

What a fart, eh?

There's no loo
roll in here. Can...

Argh!

Dolly!

Dolly. Oh, Dolly, you've...

You... you've got
a Willy... Dolly!

You're a man,
Dolly. No, I'm not.

And there's no
paper in here either.

But you've got a
Willy. I know I have.

Let me have a look. Show
me. Let me have another look.

Oh, all right. It's nothing
to be proud of, you know.

There it is.

Argh!

She laughs

oh, dear.

It's not a laughing matter.

How could you? What?

Don't play dumb with me, Christine.
You know exactly what I mean.

What's the matter, dad?
How could you do this to me?

How could you bring a sexual
pervert to your sister's wedding?

Who? Who? Who do you think?

Dolly's not a pervert,
are you, Dolly?

You think it's normal, a man
prancing round in a woman's skirt?

I didn't know she was
a man. I'm not a man.

Just leave, the pair of
you. I can handle this.

Oh, poor little Lizzie. I knew
you were going to cause trouble!

You're disgusting! I hope
I never see you again!

Oh, thank you very much,
Elizabeth. You've spoilt everything.

Don't upset yourself.
Ever since I was born!

Can you hear this? I hate you!

It's us that needs protecting...
From her mouth. That's enough.

Just stand clear when
she opens her gob.

Right. Just one
moment. Steady, Edgar.

I was against this from the
start. Now I know I was right.

This is my
brother-in-law. Christine.

If I was on duty and in uniform,

I'd take a very serious
view of this matter.

But you are in uniform.

It's no use, Edgar, she's
always been like this.

Charges can be brought
for this kinda thing. Oh, dear.

Dolly, don't be a silly cow.
Stay here. Where are you going?

The toilet. I need a
wee. Oh, no, you're not.

Stay out of the ladies
lavatory... And the gents.

You piddle where you want.
Is there a handicapped toilet?

You stay out of all toilets.

Stupid fart!

This is a very
silly conversation.

And you are a very naughty boy.

And you know what happens
to naughty boys, now, don't you?

Come along, Dolly.
You too, Christine.

David!

What's all the rush, doll?

I was just beginning
to enjoy myself.

What's going on?

Excuse me, is this your car?

It's not bloody stole, if that's
what you mean. Cheeky bugger.

Dad.

Dad. Come here, dad.

I'm sorry, dad, I really am.

When I came here
today I was happy.

I really was.

Come on. Don't
be like this, dad.

Don't upset yourself.

It's your day today
too, you know.

I'd do anything to
make you happy.

I'm so sorry.

Come on.

I'm sorry.

Kiss me a kiss and
say you love me.

You spoilt it for her.
How could you do it?

She spoilt it for herself.
What do you mean?

Look who she married.

There you go again.
Oh, come on, dad.

He's a box of farts
and well you know it.

You can't say that. I just have.

It's a respectable marriage.

He's a... he's a police
superintendent and a freemason.

He's a bumhole,
dad. A fart in a box.

And he doesn't hang
around with sexual perverts.

How do you know? Listen to your
mouth. You should be ashamed.

Well, I'm not. That's
what's wrong with you.

Dad.

I'm not a bloody baby any more.
That's what's wrong with Lizzie.

I'm a woman. I've had
babies and abortions.

Abortions? Yes.

Why didn't you tell me?
Abortions! Why didn't you tell me?

None of your bloody business.

I told you I was up the
duff, you spat in my face.

That was different. How many
bastards can one girl take?

How can you talk like
that? He's your son.

And you're telling
me that, are you?

You've noticed, have you?

You do surprise me. What's
that supposed to mean?

You know what I mean. You've
not so much as looked at him

since we got here.

No. You've not looked
at him for 14 years.

No. You've not looked
at him, not spoke to him.

Not a hello, not so
much as a whisper.

You make me feel like nothing.

What do you think I've been
doing all day? He's your grandson.

This is your sister's wedding.
He's your only grandson.

How many pups are that
pair are gonna spawn?

At least their
children'll have a father.

God, dad, you're such a liar.

Look at you.

You're such a bloody liar.

Mum would never
have treated me like this.

The news would have killed her...
If she hadn't been dead already.

She'd have slammed
the door in your face.

I'm a prostitute.

There.

Spread that round
the freemasons.

Your daughter is a tart.

On the game.

Spread that round the next lodge
meeting. I'd be glad of the custom.

My friend Shirley, my
best friend Shirley, is a tart.

And So am I.

And Dolly, our best friend
Dolly, is a prostitute's maid.

Always someone
else's daughter, eh?

Don't you call my
boy a bastard again.

He's my son... and I love him.

You silly bugger!

Heavy breathing

pleasured moaning

I can't hear you!

Can you hear me?

Oh, hello!

Yes. Yes!

It's hot.

Yes.

I've got a bit of a rash.

A rash!

There's bodies
everywhere. Disgusting.

Hello?

Oh, pillocks.

Shirley?

Dolly?

Oh, sod it.

Out.

Out.

Come out!

What have we here?

Can you keep it down
a minute, Mac? Sorry.

Now... what have we
here, auntie Christine?

I've been a naughty
boy. What? Speak up!

I've been a naughty
boy, Nana. Ha!

Another naughty boy, eh?

The world is full of
naughty schoolboys.

What's the naughty boy done?

I was late for school.

What?

Did you hear that, auntie
Christine? Late for school.

This is very serious,
auntie Christine.

I'm sorry, Nana.

What does Nana
do to little boys...

Who are late for school?

Tell me... what does she do?

Gives them a
smack, Nana. Correct.

Where?

Where does she smack them?

On their bot-bots.
On their bot-bots.

Yes.

Every naughty
boy gets a smack...

..On his bot-bot.

Over.

Bend over. Yes, Nana.

Right over. Yes.

Please don't leave any marks.

Say thank you to Nana.

Thank you, nanny.

You...

..Are a disgusting...

..Little... bugger!

He quivers

oh, this is lovely.

All schoolgirls together.

No boys.

Just girls. All together.

Christine, if you ever
need legal advice...

Lionel's an excellent
barrister, aren't you, Lionel?

Oh, yes.

Oh, have you seen
these dirty books

those teachers have
left lying around?

"Sex on lesbos".

Oh.

It makes me come
over all lesbian.

Me too.

Ooh.

She's got nice legs.

So have you.

Hasn't she got nice legs?

Lovely.

I think she must be a lesbian...

..Just like us.

You're a lesbian,
aren't you? Yes.

Yes, I am.

Me too.

What lovely legs she's got.

Oh, I love being a
lesbian, don't you?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Me too. Polly parrot.

Popozogolou? Popozogolou.

Him.

Sad and hopeless. Comes in his
cocoa before he's got the plonker on.

Don't look it.

What about him?

Which one? By the door.

Bent as a box of frogs, dear.

Looks nice. Maybe
he is. I don't know.

Most men don't like sex that
much. Can't wait to get it over.

They're only after one thing.

If they didn't want it,
we'd be out of a job.

I didn't say want, Christine, I
said like. I said they didn't like it.

What about your Ron? Enjoys
a good cuddle, just like me.

Knock at door oh, my god.

Let me out, let me out.

Wasp up her bum. Ta.

Oh, bumholes. I left my
butter in the fridge at the flat.

I'll get you some. Oh, ta.

Madam's got a fancy man.
Oh, sit down and shut up.

Yes, lady. What are
you having tonight?

Fillet steak, mangetout
and a bottle of beaujolais.

I've got a date.

I've got a date.

That lot can go to the jumble.

How does she do it?

Shirley.

How can she do the two?

What about Ron?
What does he think?

That's their business.

He's so good-looking,
Dolly. And charming.

He's got such a gentle look in
his eye. Do you know what I mean?

Who, Ron? No, silly cow.

You know who I mean.

I'm fed up with
silly buggers, Dolly.

Had enough of naughty
schoolboys. I'm getting out.

How will you pay the
bills? I'll be married.

Oh, dear.

Buzzer oh, bugger.

Can always do a bit on the side.

Pound says it's
Sydney. I'll marry him.

Hello, doll. This
is pat, my fiancee.

We're engaged to be
married. This is Christine, doll.

Hello.

Bend over.

That's for the inland
bloody revenue.

Cheeky sods. What's
the matter with you today?

Good morning, ladies. Look
what I got in the post this morning.

The floodgates are
open. What is it?

Inland bloody revenue
from when I got nicked.

Box no. 192. A plethora
of kinky correspondence.

Cheeky sods. They've assessed
my earnings and sent me a bill for tax.

Morning, Mac. You can't
leave those there, you know.

Some of us are working in here.

Who's attending to
mr webb's bot-bot?

This one wants
golden rain, miss cane.

Does she now, miss stern?

Will you oblige, miss cane?
Let me at him, miss stern.

Excuse me. Yes?

Speak up! Excuse
me, superior mistress,

but how did you know I
worked for the inland revenue?

You work for the inland revenue?

Yes. Psst.

What's golden rain? Piddle.

What? He wants
you to piddle on him.

I can't do that. You've
agreed to it now.

Come on.

Detective constables timms
and Gibson. Flying squad.

No more vice, just villains.

She's a cleaner, nothing
more, nothing less.

All right, mr smartarse?

I'm not interested. Christine,
they've been shifted.

They're not vice any more.

Cheeky sods.

Put the kettle on, Dolly.

Have you got a toilet?
I'm busting. Yeah, me too.

They've come to
use the bloody toilet.

Have they?

This way.

That's not too tight, is it? The
one round his neck looks tight.

It's fine.

Hold these.

Now, I wish to be
left in the chamber

for exactly one,
and one half hour.

If I need any assistance, I'll
press the alarm button here

and the light will come on.

Is it working?

Dolly: Yes. Yes.

Can you hear us?

Yes.

One, and one half hour.

Shirley, the gag, please.

Right, slave, now we are
closing the doors for ever.

The high priestess
will attend without.

That's it. Home. Supper.
Feet up in front of the telly.

He's such a nice man. I
don't understand it, do you?

No, I don't.

I thought he was making a
cupboard for us to hang our coats in.

I did.

It's a bit scary, isn't
it? I'll stay, if you like.

No, you go. Good luck.

What time's your
date? I've got ages yet.

It's just a date.
He's only a fella.

I'm so nervous.

I've got the collywobbles.

Go out. Enjoy yourself. Ta.

Bye. Bye.

Thank you, Dolly.

Lift bell dings

Door closes

Gentle shuffling

Shuffling

She gasps oh, my god!

Please... Mr popozogolou!

If I'd have known,
if you'd told me,

you could borrow my
clothes any time you want.

You could come round
here and dress up.

I'll dress up with
you, if you want.

You don't have to come
creeping in here, you know.

You can wear whatever
you want in here.

I'm... not a transvestite.

I'm not a homosexual.
I don't mind if you are.

I love my wife. That's nice.

I like to wear dress.

Doorbell

oh, my god. The red light!

What is it? Oh, no.

Doorbell

Hello.

What do you want?

Friendly visit. Off duty.

Peace. Pax.

I've come to check your locks.

I'm busy.

Don't you ever get fed up?

What with?

All these kinky sods.

Don't you ever ache
for something straight?

Not that I've noticed.

I think you do.

I know you do.

It's written all over your face.

Let me come in.

Now.

You've got to keep
in with the police.

Sorry, too late.

Oh, my god! Bloody hell!

Mac! Are you alive or dead?

Muffled: I'm alive!

This is very nice, madam.

There are three other
bedrooms of this size.

A small bedroom and a box room.
Oh, that would be my room, madam.

I'll put you in a bloody
kennel! Yes, please.

Nice.

They are well-proportioned
rooms. Very nice.

If you put up some of the cash,

it gives you no rights
over my life, you know.

Call it an indulgence, madam,

of an ageing pillock in
the Autumn of his days.

The perfect locale
for a brothel, madam.

A house of pleasure.

Privacy and discretion assured.

It's a home. My home.

Not just a knocking-shop.

But the place for
sex is in the home.

A guaranteed loan,
madam, through my bank.

The bargain of a lifetime.

Snap it up now, before
senile dementia runs me down.

This garden's a mess.

Slaves required.

Foot and shoe
fetishists welcome.

Household and
garden duties essential.

Won't cost a penny.

I'll leave that to you.

I'll take care of
everything, madam.

Nice.

A mess.

A nice mess.

Turn on the light!

Danielle! Turn the light on!

Groaning

you see? Christine!
They want more, madam!

You shouldn't be
watching this. Not yet.

They can't wait, madam!

We want to see the films.
We want to see the films.

There's going to be
a lesbian display first.

The blue films are for later.

We've got hot
pussies, horse lovers,

way to Valhalla... And
Casanova and the nuns!

And the nuns. Doorbell rings

but there's going to be a
real live lesbian display first.

Bloody well cheer up, Danielle.

No sex in the bathroom, please!

Last time, somebody
pulled the sink off the wall.

Come on.

That's it. I'm all right.

Come in! My dear
Christine, hello.

This is my friend and
colleague, mr patel.

Hello. Come in. Is this the
one that's getting me the fridge?

He's the one.

We offer the best discounts in
town, miss painter. Anything you like.

Except sex, eh? Ha-bloody-ha!

Now, brothel days are mondays,
wednesdays and Fridays.

But this is just a
party, a sex party.

So, enjoy yourselves. Who
have we got here this evening?

Helen's here, and
Barbara. She's nice.

Oh, and there's fay.

No charge.

She only does it in her
spare time. She's really a vet.

Now, when you go upstairs,
you hand that in to the girl.

Don't pay the girl.

I pay them later. They
hand me back the vouchers.

Nicole, get these
two gentlemen a drink.

There's going to be a real
live lesbian show in a minute.

Silly bugger! What do you think
you're doing? I'm on a quest, madam.

Searching for the perfect
expression of my femininity.

Not easy for an ageing pillock.

Why can't you grow old
gracefully, silly old sod?

Oh, certainly not, madam. I
intend to grow old disgracefully!

Disgusting.

Here. Straight from
the chicken's gonger.

Thank you, Christine.

You're a dear.

A beacon among the rocks.

Among the cocks, more like.

Dirty old sods,
every one of you.

What's the point of being
old if you can't be dirty?

Nice party.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ happy birthday, dear David

♪ happy birthday to you. ♪

Hooray!

Applause

come on, where's your puff, boy?

Right. Here.

What about the cake,
madam? Wait a bloody minute.

Happy birthday.

Hello, David.

This is Carol.

Oh! I'm sorry,
did I startle you?

I thought you'd gone. I
must be getting underway.

Yes, you must.

Thank you so much.

Same time next week? Yes. I
should take that off if I were you.

Oh! Thank you. Yes.

Next week, then.
Three o'clock prompt!

Winky-poos and bot-bots.

Yes? Hello.

Hello. You're late! Sorry, mistress
Christine. I've been at work.

Work? There's work to be done
round here, my boy! In! In! Go on!

Come on! Come on,
slave! Get a move on!

What do you think this is,
the queen's garden party?

Get busy, you lot!

Now! Go on!

Madam, they want
to know how much.

What for? Digging the garden.

They're slaves. I
thought it was free.

No, they want to know
how much you want

for letting them dig the garden.

They've got to work much harder.

Or I won't accept a penny.
Sorry, mistress Christine.

What is it?

Dad.

So, this is it.

That's right, this is
it. Have a good look.

I'm not here for a
row. Makes a change.

It doesn't matter
which side I stand,

I'm always on the wrong
side of you. It's not easy.

Then why bother?

I need a woman.

Pardon?

A woman.

Your father needs a woman.

Thanks, mum.

Your grandfather's here, David.

Hello, son. Hello.

Grandpa. Here. Happy birthday.

Thanks, grandpa.

Dad!

She sobs

Dad. David, excuse us, please.

Dad, come with me.

Up or down?

Dad, this is Carol.

Carol, this is my dad.

How do you do, mr painter?

How do you do?
Very well, thank you.

She exhales

♪ a long time ago in Bethlehem

♪ so the holy Bible say

♪ Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ

♪ was born on Christmas day

♪ hark now hear the angels sing

♪ listen what they say

♪ that man will
live for evermore

♪ because of Christmas day. ♪

Laughter

cheering

applause

Whooping

Laughter

Cheering and applause

I saw you!

Thank you, Lorena!

Now, then, you lot.

Come on, webby. I
want a snap with the girls.

Lorena, you can
come back out now!

You two, shift your gongers.

All the men, out!

Come on! Come on, girls! In!

Come on you lot, stop pissing
about! I want you to get into this picture.

Jenny! Look at her knickers.

Gloria? Oh, she's
here. Come on, Helen!

Come on. Come on, Shirley.
In the middle. And Dolly.

I'm here. Oh, you're
here. That's right.

Oh, Danielle, stop looking so
bloody miserable. Get in at the side.

Nicole!

Me too, madam.
Not bloody likely.

Oh, yes, please,
madam! Yes, come on.

Hey! Hey, what about
the men? No men!

Yes, what about us?

Right.

One, two, three...

All: Sex!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Christmas!

Let the fucking commence!

Cheering

Laughter

Jingle bells plays

tyres screech

brakes screech

Jingle bells continues

Knock at door

who is it? I am
a police officer.

I have a warrant to
enter these premises!

Open up! Look out,
everybody, it's a raid!

Oh, shit.

Come on, lads. Keep on.

Oh, well, you might as well
come in now you're here!

Nice to see you again.

What the hell's
going on? Who's this?

Record scratches

come on in, boys.

That's right. And you, girls.

We're short on girls.

Sod off!

Both: Sex!

We are police officers.
Stop what you are doing.

I don't care who you
are. I'm not stopping now.

Arrest this woman!

That is an offensive weapon!

Out!

Police radio:
'1-6-4-5. All cars...'

come on! What are
you waiting...? Oh!

♪ Rule britannia

♪ britannia rules the waves

♪ britons never, never,
never shall be slaves. ♪

Sod 'em all,
madam! I'm a pervert!

Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip
hooray! Hip-hip hooray!

Do you have to
knock down the doors?

This is the woman, and
these are the premises

on which I've kept observation
over the last three months.

This house has been operating
as a brothel during that time.

You've heard the officer.
What have you to say?

If I'd know he'd been
out there all that time,

I'd have asked him
in for a cup of tea.

Can't you tell him
not to? In the Van!

Diplomats? I beg your pardon?

Are you diplomats?

Yes, we are diplomats.

No scandals, please.

Scarper. Thank you, sir.

Yes, sir.

Pay no attention.

Siren blares

I'm not going in that!

Hello, Maureen!
We're being raided!

I hope you'll apologise
to the neighbours.

Don't make trouble, madam.

I'm not going in no black Maria
like some common criminal.

Everyone else is.

I'll go in yours. Which is
yours? Is this yours? Come on.

Come on. Very well, madam.

He's a gentleman!

Just my type.

A touch of royalty about him.

Silent night plays

get off!

Come on.

Come on, you're not going
anywhere like that. Come on.

Oh, shit. Come here.

She squeals

she shrieks

come on.

Ooh!

What a carry-on, eh?

Settle down!

Baa!

Baa-baa!

Bleah! Blah!

Bleah! Bleah!

Baa! Gentlemen!

Bleah!

Gentlemen, I would
ask you to be patient.

Tea and baked beans will be
served and statements will be taken.

We won't keep you long.

You're all a lot of sheep!

You don't have to give statements!
Ask him what's the charge.

You're all a lot of sheep!
What's the charge?

Sheep! Baa! Baa! Baa!

I'm a retired
officer of the raf!

Twice decorated!

I flew 207 missions
over occupied territory!

In bra and panties!

You're a disgrace.

This is no way to treat a lady!

It's just like a
tupperware party, really.

But I sell sex instead
of plastic containers.

If the wives were willing,
I'd be out of a job, wouldn't I?

They go off sex.

Rather sell tupperware.

Ha-bloody-ha.

Sex soon goes out of a marriage.

I'm a bit old-fashioned, really.

I believe in marriage.

Men are animals, sexually.

They don't talk a bit of sense
until you've got them despunked.

Women are more affectionate.
They like a bit of affection.

Though I've met a few
horny buggers in my time.

The wife wants a
three-piece suite.

If she gave the man sex,

he might be more inclined to come
across with the three-piece suite.

It may not be a
fashionable thing to say,

but once you've
got him despunked,

and he's sitting there
thinking he's all wonderful,

done you a good turn, given
you a pair of soggy knickers,

in the afterglow of his glory,
he's more likely to come across

with a dralon three-piece,
don't you think?

Well, you could well
be right, love. I dunno.

Personally, I've been
married for 20 years,

and we still go
at it like rabbits.

I'm responsible, not the men.

You can't expect the
men to be responsible.

When the balls are full,
the brain is empty. Ask him.

He should know.
I'm fully responsible.

We're looking to
make several charges.

Including possessing
obscene articles for gain,

selling liquor
without a licence,

running a disorderly
house, and keeping a brothel.

I just perform a service.

You will go down for this.

I only go down for a price, dear,
and I doubt if you could afford it.

♪ Earth stood hard as iron

♪ water like a stone

♪ snow had fallen, snow on snow

♪ snow on snow

♪ in the bleak midwinter

♪ long ago. ♪

Yah!

Good morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, ladies.

Please, please! No
need to storm the fort.

Is miss painter here? No,
madam is not here at present.

But if you would
care to follow me,

we will proceed with a
conducted tour of the premises.

This way, please. This way.

Is it true she gave sex
to people in wheelchairs?

Well, there was a
minimal charge, sir.

But yes, it's true.
Everything's true, sir.

All in good time.

My name is Morton.
Ex wing commander.

Since my retirement, I have
devoted my life to transvestism

and the pursuit of
sexual deviation.

And I'm now a very happy man,

having escaped from an
extremely overcrowded closet.

Here, catering strictly for the
tastes of the older gentleman,

here is the lounge
where clients relax

with a bridge roll
and a gin and tonic

before going with the
lady of their choice...

Thus undermining the
moral fabric of the nation.

But let me take you to where
I know you're longing to go.

Upstairs! To reveal the exotic
underbelly of our beloved country.

Follow in the footsteps of
fathers and grandfathers,

fornicators all.

If, in your innocence, there is
anything you do not understand,

if there's anything you wish
to see, do not hesitate to ask.

For in this house, we
have nothing to hide.

Be upstanding in court.

♪ Bless this house

♪ oh, lord, we pray

♪ make it safe by night and day

♪ bless these walls

♪ so firm and stout

♪ keeping want and trouble out

♪ bless the roof
and chimneys tall

♪ let thy peace lie over all

♪ bless this door
that it may prove

♪ ever open to joy and love. ♪

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