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1
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Previouslyon Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:03,903 --> 00:00:06,691
I am gonna ask Lyndsey
to marry me.
3
00:00:06,952 --> 00:00:08,151
Will you marry me?
4
00:00:08,153 --> 00:00:09,886
Yes, I will marry you!
5
00:00:09,888 --> 00:00:12,622
I was wondering if you'd do me
the honor of being my best man.
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00:00:12,624 --> 00:00:14,057
What?
What?
7
00:00:14,059 --> 00:00:15,692
Larry, where can
I put this poop?
8
00:00:15,694 --> 00:00:17,227
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
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00:00:17,229 --> 00:00:18,995
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.
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00:00:18,997 --> 00:00:20,697
I think the computer
just read his thoughts.
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00:00:22,201 --> 00:00:23,867
Yes!
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00:00:23,869 --> 00:00:26,670
The guy I had dinner with
last night offered me
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00:00:26,672 --> 00:00:28,038
a job in San Francisco.
14
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,539
Where does that leave us?
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00:00:29,541 --> 00:00:30,640
I have to take this.
16
00:00:30,642 --> 00:00:31,975
I'm sorry, buddy.
17
00:00:31,977 --> 00:00:33,510
I'm here for you.
18
00:00:33,512 --> 00:00:34,444
If you wanted to go with her...
19
00:00:34,446 --> 00:00:36,113
Oh, thank God.
20
00:00:37,882 --> 00:00:39,282
I thought
about what you said
21
00:00:39,284 --> 00:00:40,717
I don't want
to work for Google.
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00:00:40,719 --> 00:00:42,085
I want to stay and work
with you.
23
00:00:42,087 --> 00:00:44,054
We're gonna do great things
together.
24
00:00:44,056 --> 00:00:46,223
All right.
25
00:00:47,592 --> 00:00:48,792
So where do I sleep?
26
00:00:50,428 --> 00:00:52,496
♪ Men. ♪
27
00:00:55,266 --> 00:00:57,234
Uh...
28
00:00:57,236 --> 00:00:58,435
hello?
29
00:00:58,437 --> 00:00:59,769
Oh, hey.
30
00:00:59,771 --> 00:01:01,638
Jake?
31
00:01:02,473 --> 00:01:03,707
Barry.
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00:01:03,709 --> 00:01:07,544
Did you break into this house
and kill Walden?
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00:01:08,946 --> 00:01:10,947
'Cause if you did, just know...
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00:01:10,949 --> 00:01:13,984
I'm one hell of a roommate.
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00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,819
No, I'm a friend
of Walden's.
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00:01:15,821 --> 00:01:18,321
I'm gonna be crashing
here for a few days.
37
00:01:18,323 --> 00:01:20,323
Actually, Walden would probably
say I'm his best friend.
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00:01:20,325 --> 00:01:22,058
Oh, really?
39
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:24,928
'Cause I have a picture
of us at Splash Mountain
40
00:01:24,930 --> 00:01:27,264
that refutes that statement.
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00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:30,667
What's that you're cooking?
42
00:01:30,669 --> 00:01:32,936
Cinnamon French toast;
Walden's favorite.
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00:01:32,938 --> 00:01:34,337
Walden's allergic to cinnamon.
44
00:01:34,339 --> 00:01:36,039
No, Walden is allergic
to nutmeg.
45
00:01:36,041 --> 00:01:37,574
Touché.
46
00:01:38,776 --> 00:01:41,244
What's his birthday,
favorite color and worst fear?
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00:01:41,246 --> 00:01:43,980
July 12, forest green,
dying in your arms.
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00:01:45,483 --> 00:01:47,851
Coffee? Cream,
two Splendas?
49
00:01:47,853 --> 00:01:49,519
Wait, y-you know
what I like, too?
50
00:01:49,521 --> 00:01:50,687
I know a lot of things.
51
00:01:50,689 --> 00:01:52,322
I know that you're sleeping
with Lyndsey,
52
00:01:52,324 --> 00:01:53,823
who is engaged to Larry,
53
00:01:53,825 --> 00:01:55,425
who thinks
you're Jeff Strongman,
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00:01:55,427 --> 00:01:57,827
and you just went on a date
with Gretchen, Larry's sister.
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00:01:57,829 --> 00:02:00,263
And your worst fear
is not dying in this house.
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00:02:00,265 --> 00:02:02,766
Witch.
57
00:02:02,768 --> 00:02:04,668
Get out of my head.
58
00:02:04,670 --> 00:02:06,870
Something smells good.
59
00:02:06,872 --> 00:02:09,506
That is the cinnamon
French tatas.
60
00:02:09,508 --> 00:02:12,175
Hey, you-you must be Jake.
61
00:02:12,177 --> 00:02:14,544
Give your cousin Jenny a hug.
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00:02:15,313 --> 00:02:17,981
That's not Jake.
Shut up, Dad.
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00:02:17,983 --> 00:02:19,983
Morning!
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00:02:19,985 --> 00:02:20,784
Hey, Berta.
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00:02:20,786 --> 00:02:23,286
Welcome home, Jake.
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00:02:23,288 --> 00:02:24,321
That's not Jake.
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00:02:24,323 --> 00:02:26,957
That's Walden's friend Barry.
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00:02:26,959 --> 00:02:28,058
Uh, Berta,
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00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:29,559
making a special batch
of French toast for you
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00:02:29,561 --> 00:02:31,561
topped with a dollop
of marijuana butter.
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00:02:31,563 --> 00:02:33,630
I like "Not Jake."
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00:02:34,465 --> 00:02:36,266
All right,
who wants the first batch?
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00:02:40,838 --> 00:02:42,906
Aw, hell, no.
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00:02:44,408 --> 00:02:46,710
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:47,950
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
76
00:02:47,951 --> 00:02:51,951
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x17 ♪
Welcome Home, Jake
Original Air Date on March 13, 2014
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00:02:51,952 --> 00:02:56,952
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:02:56,954 --> 00:02:58,711
♪ Men. ♪
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00:02:58,789 --> 00:03:00,390
Hey.
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00:03:00,892 --> 00:03:03,225
Extra! Extra!
81
00:03:03,227 --> 00:03:05,227
Alan boards the Titanic!
82
00:03:05,229 --> 00:03:07,663
Read all about it!
83
00:03:07,665 --> 00:03:09,598
You're just jealous.
84
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,533
Jealous of what?
Your up-and-coming role
85
00:03:11,535 --> 00:03:13,802
in the Newsies remake?
86
00:03:13,804 --> 00:03:16,672
I will have you know that
the salesgirl at Goodwill said
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00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:18,807
that I look dashing.
88
00:03:18,809 --> 00:03:20,843
Why are you wearing this outfit?
89
00:03:20,845 --> 00:03:22,278
I'm going out
with Gretchen again tonight.
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00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,180
As her date or her caddie?
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00:03:25,182 --> 00:03:28,584
Oh, that reminds me-- I gotta
get a cover for my wood.
92
00:03:31,221 --> 00:03:33,389
Why are you going out
with her again?
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00:03:33,391 --> 00:03:35,724
What do you mean?
I like her, she likes me--
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00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,760
honestly, I can see myself
spending the rest
95
00:03:37,762 --> 00:03:39,728
of Jeff Strongman's life
with her.
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00:03:39,730 --> 00:03:42,731
Okay, unlike Jeff Strongman,
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00:03:42,733 --> 00:03:44,733
she is a real person.
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00:03:44,735 --> 00:03:46,869
With real feelings.
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00:03:46,871 --> 00:03:48,604
And real...
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00:03:49,839 --> 00:03:52,241
I know, I know. I...
I don't want to hurt her.
101
00:03:52,243 --> 00:03:54,510
If that's the case,
then you need to walk away.
102
00:03:54,512 --> 00:03:55,844
I-I will, I will. You're right.
103
00:03:55,846 --> 00:03:57,813
Right after I have sex with her.
104
00:03:57,815 --> 00:03:59,682
No!
105
00:03:59,684 --> 00:04:02,084
Well, I'm not gonna walk away
while I'm having sex with her.
106
00:04:02,086 --> 00:04:03,585
That would be rude.
107
00:04:03,587 --> 00:04:06,021
Hey, Jeff Strongman
looks good in that hat.
108
00:04:06,023 --> 00:04:08,357
Top of the day to you, too, sir.
109
00:04:08,359 --> 00:04:10,960
Wait, you can tell
when he's not Alan?
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00:04:10,962 --> 00:04:13,595
Oh, yeah. I mean,
Jeff exudes a quiet confidence,
111
00:04:13,597 --> 00:04:14,863
whereas
Alan just...
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00:04:14,865 --> 00:04:16,565
exudes.
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00:04:17,567 --> 00:04:20,135
Is there a shower I can use?
Uh, oh, yeah.
114
00:04:20,137 --> 00:04:21,895
Uh, Alan's room's
down the hall on the left.
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00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:22,906
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
116
00:04:22,907 --> 00:04:24,306
whoa, whoa.
What about Jenny's?
117
00:04:24,308 --> 00:04:25,774
She's in there with Brooke.
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00:04:25,776 --> 00:04:29,445
Yeah, I don't think I can go
in there again "by accident."
119
00:04:30,714 --> 00:04:33,148
But-but, uh,
wh-what about your bathroom?
120
00:04:33,150 --> 00:04:36,118
They're all my bathrooms!
121
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,253
Alan's shower.
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00:04:38,255 --> 00:04:39,288
Great.
123
00:04:39,290 --> 00:04:40,289
Uh...
124
00:04:40,291 --> 00:04:41,623
so, is this
a "pee in the shower"
125
00:04:41,625 --> 00:04:44,159
or "not pee in the shower"
household?
126
00:04:44,161 --> 00:04:45,961
"Not pee in the shower."
127
00:04:45,963 --> 00:04:49,965
So it's a "pee in the shower
and lie about it" household.
128
00:04:49,967 --> 00:04:54,236
And don't touch
my shower porn!
129
00:04:54,238 --> 00:04:56,038
That stuff took a long time
to laminate.
130
00:04:56,040 --> 00:05:00,042
Everything... you...
say... is... weird.
131
00:05:00,044 --> 00:05:02,945
Look, look, I know you're upset
about Barry moving in with us,
132
00:05:02,947 --> 00:05:04,713
but hitting me
with a 25-cent hat
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00:05:04,715 --> 00:05:06,448
is not gonna solve anything.
134
00:05:06,450 --> 00:05:07,916
He's not moving in.
135
00:05:07,918 --> 00:05:09,885
He's just staying here
for a couple days
136
00:05:09,887 --> 00:05:11,920
while we brainstorm
some new tech ideas.
137
00:05:11,922 --> 00:05:14,256
Oh, Walden,
you're such a pushover.
138
00:05:14,258 --> 00:05:16,592
Somebody else said they were
only gonna stay in the house
139
00:05:16,594 --> 00:05:17,926
for a few days. Remember that?
140
00:05:17,928 --> 00:05:20,396
Oh, believe me,
I remember.
141
00:05:20,398 --> 00:05:23,198
And now, here we are,
four months later,
142
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:25,534
and Jenny's still living
with us.
143
00:05:25,536 --> 00:05:29,438
Why... can't... you...
hear... yourself?
144
00:05:30,140 --> 00:05:31,840
♪ Men. ♪
145
00:05:31,842 --> 00:05:35,177
♪ Summer lovin',
had me a blast ♪
146
00:05:35,179 --> 00:05:37,079
♪ Summer lovin' ♪
147
00:05:37,081 --> 00:05:39,415
♪ Happened so fa-ast ♪
148
00:05:39,417 --> 00:05:43,752
♪ I met a girl
crazy for me ♪
149
00:05:43,754 --> 00:05:48,123
♪ Met a boy cute as can be ♪
150
00:05:48,125 --> 00:05:49,558
Maybe we should start again.
151
00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:51,360
Why, was I pitchy?
152
00:05:51,362 --> 00:05:52,761
You are so adorable.
153
00:05:52,763 --> 00:05:54,630
Oh, and you have broccoli
in your teeth.
154
00:05:54,632 --> 00:05:56,799
Oh...
You want to get it for me?
155
00:05:56,801 --> 00:05:59,068
Ooh, a kiss and a free meal.
156
00:05:59,070 --> 00:06:01,136
Mmm...!
157
00:06:01,138 --> 00:06:02,438
Yum.
158
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,973
I've never had broccoli
and tongue before.
159
00:06:04,975 --> 00:06:06,745
I gotta say,
I love that hat on you.
160
00:06:06,746 --> 00:06:07,272
Oh!
161
00:06:07,297 --> 00:06:09,765
You know, it's funny, I gave one
just like that to Goodwill.
162
00:06:10,147 --> 00:06:11,847
Yeah, yeah,
this is the same one.
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00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:14,083
Well, uh,
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00:06:14,085 --> 00:06:15,684
thanks again for dinner tonight.
165
00:06:15,686 --> 00:06:16,718
Oh, yeah.
166
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:17,953
Next one's on you, though.
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00:06:17,955 --> 00:06:19,788
Absolutely.
Um, speaking of which,
168
00:06:19,790 --> 00:06:21,924
I'm not sure we should keep
seeing each other.
169
00:06:21,926 --> 00:06:24,893
What? We don't have
to go somewhere expensive.
170
00:06:24,895 --> 00:06:27,563
Oh, God,
you're making this so hard.
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00:06:27,565 --> 00:06:29,898
That's what he said!
172
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:32,334
Oh, peas, pod.
173
00:06:32,336 --> 00:06:34,470
No, it's...
it's just, you know,
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00:06:34,472 --> 00:06:36,338
I'm Larry's best man
and you're his sister.
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00:06:36,340 --> 00:06:39,942
I mean, what if things go wrong
and we screw up the wedding?
176
00:06:39,944 --> 00:06:41,944
Look, I like you
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00:06:41,946 --> 00:06:43,846
and I think you like me,
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00:06:43,848 --> 00:06:45,948
and if it'll make you
more comfortable,
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00:06:45,950 --> 00:06:47,583
we can keep it a secret for now.
180
00:06:47,585 --> 00:06:50,085
I mean, if you're good
at keeping secrets.
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00:06:50,087 --> 00:06:51,487
I don't know.
182
00:06:51,489 --> 00:06:54,823
"Strongman" in German
means "honest man."
183
00:06:54,825 --> 00:06:56,058
Is that true?
184
00:06:56,060 --> 00:06:57,659
Jawohl.
185
00:06:57,661 --> 00:06:59,728
But I suppose
we could keep it...
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00:06:59,730 --> 00:07:02,030
under ze radar.
187
00:07:02,032 --> 00:07:03,699
Great.
Hmm...
188
00:07:03,701 --> 00:07:05,000
So you know, uh...
189
00:07:05,002 --> 00:07:07,035
Larry and Lyndsey are in
Palm Springs for the weekend.
190
00:07:07,037 --> 00:07:08,403
They are?
Yeah.
191
00:07:08,405 --> 00:07:10,606
You want to... come inside?
192
00:07:11,441 --> 00:07:13,609
That's what she said!
193
00:07:16,045 --> 00:07:17,579
♪ Men. ♪
194
00:07:17,581 --> 00:07:18,947
This is awesome.
195
00:07:20,885 --> 00:07:22,718
These are the best graphics
I've ever seen.
196
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,052
Uh-oh!
197
00:07:24,054 --> 00:07:25,454
The cops shot my tires out.
198
00:07:25,456 --> 00:07:27,322
Now I'm runnin'.
199
00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:29,925
Oh...
Wait, this isn't a video game.
200
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:33,262
We're watching a car
chase on the news.
201
00:07:33,264 --> 00:07:35,397
Oh.
202
00:07:35,399 --> 00:07:37,533
So I probably didn't
score that three-pointer
203
00:07:37,535 --> 00:07:39,535
to win the Laker game, either.
204
00:07:39,537 --> 00:07:42,237
Are you sure
you're not Jake?
205
00:07:43,039 --> 00:07:44,239
I'm not sure.
206
00:07:45,475 --> 00:07:47,309
Hey, are you guys
really lesbians?
207
00:07:47,311 --> 00:07:49,311
Or are you like
those "lesbian" from Craigslist
208
00:07:49,313 --> 00:07:51,713
that came over and tied me up
and stole my laptop?
209
00:07:55,852 --> 00:07:57,920
If we weren't,
would we do this?
210
00:07:58,688 --> 00:08:00,556
Okay, brain,
you are high,
211
00:08:00,558 --> 00:08:01,990
but I need you
to remember this.
212
00:08:01,992 --> 00:08:03,592
Forget calculus
if you have to.
213
00:08:03,594 --> 00:08:04,660
Hey.
214
00:08:04,662 --> 00:08:07,162
Nobody heard the pizza guy
at the door?
215
00:08:07,164 --> 00:08:08,897
I told you we wouldn't
have to get up.
216
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,868
Told you we wouldn't
have to pay for it.
217
00:08:12,870 --> 00:08:14,770
Is this all you guys have
been doing the whole day?
218
00:08:14,772 --> 00:08:16,505
No, we spent an hour
219
00:08:16,507 --> 00:08:18,774
trying to find
where you hid your bong.
220
00:08:18,776 --> 00:08:22,211
Which knocked me
into overtime, FYI.
221
00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:26,014
Walden, I am loving it here.
222
00:08:26,016 --> 00:08:29,751
I mean, pizza, lesbians,
weed scavenger hunts...
223
00:08:29,753 --> 00:08:31,420
Nobody paying rent...
224
00:08:31,422 --> 00:08:33,989
It just keeps getting better.
225
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:35,958
Hey, Barry, can I talk
to you for a second?
226
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,828
Ooh, you're in trouble!
227
00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:45,667
Is this why you're here?
228
00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:48,604
Just to hang out and get high
and eat pizza?
229
00:08:50,673 --> 00:08:53,075
I feel like this is
a trick question.
230
00:08:53,077 --> 00:08:54,409
'Cause I thought you were here
231
00:08:54,411 --> 00:08:55,744
to work on a new
project with me.
232
00:08:55,746 --> 00:08:56,878
No, no, no, I am!
233
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,248
I am. Okay, okay,
check out this idea:
234
00:08:59,250 --> 00:09:01,850
So I was watching Brooke
and Jenny make out earlier,
235
00:09:01,852 --> 00:09:03,986
and I thought to myself,
236
00:09:03,988 --> 00:09:06,388
what if we filmed lesbians
237
00:09:06,390 --> 00:09:09,524
doing stuff to each other...
238
00:09:09,526 --> 00:09:11,760
and then we put that
on the Internet?
239
00:09:14,264 --> 00:09:16,398
How has no one thought of that?
240
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,933
I know!
241
00:09:17,935 --> 00:09:19,034
You know what?
242
00:09:19,036 --> 00:09:20,535
It's too late for them.
243
00:09:20,537 --> 00:09:22,471
They're a lost cause.
244
00:09:22,473 --> 00:09:24,039
We can hear you.
245
00:09:24,041 --> 00:09:27,943
I will give any
of you... $100.
246
00:09:27,945 --> 00:09:28,910
All you have to do
247
00:09:28,912 --> 00:09:30,245
is come up here
and take it from me.
248
00:09:30,247 --> 00:09:32,547
Later.
Nah, I'm fine. - Nah.
249
00:09:33,683 --> 00:09:34,850
Do you see that?
250
00:09:34,852 --> 00:09:35,984
Don't be them!
251
00:09:35,986 --> 00:09:37,986
I only let
you stay here
252
00:09:37,988 --> 00:09:40,088
for a few days
to help you transition.
253
00:09:40,090 --> 00:09:42,557
Okay, okay.
I got another idea.
254
00:09:42,559 --> 00:09:44,393
Uh... bacon-flavored eggs.
255
00:09:44,395 --> 00:09:46,895
All me and you
got to figure out
256
00:09:46,897 --> 00:09:50,165
is how to make the chicken
and the pig have sex.
257
00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:54,970
Well, maybe you could show 'em
the lesbian porn.
258
00:10:04,147 --> 00:10:05,847
Wait, wait, wait.
259
00:10:05,849 --> 00:10:06,948
I have an idea.
260
00:10:06,950 --> 00:10:09,251
What if you got
the chickens drunk?
261
00:10:09,253 --> 00:10:10,385
Would that work?
262
00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:12,888
I've gotten laid a lot
by getting chicks drunk.
263
00:10:14,525 --> 00:10:16,191
Hey, Berta,
what about you?
264
00:10:16,193 --> 00:10:17,326
You ever been
with a woman?
265
00:10:17,328 --> 00:10:18,694
Have you?
266
00:10:23,099 --> 00:10:25,000
There you are.
267
00:10:25,002 --> 00:10:27,436
Get down off that couch,
you naughty boy.
268
00:10:33,242 --> 00:10:34,609
Ooh, a quarter.
269
00:10:34,611 --> 00:10:37,279
Hey, this hat
just paid for itself.
270
00:10:37,281 --> 00:10:38,714
Give me that.
271
00:10:40,149 --> 00:10:41,083
Drop it.
272
00:10:49,192 --> 00:10:51,126
Ruh-roh.
273
00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:53,428
♪ Men. ♪
274
00:10:59,499 --> 00:11:00,600
♪ Men. ♪
275
00:11:00,602 --> 00:11:03,269
So, how was Palm Springs?
276
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,904
What the hell's
going on here?
277
00:11:04,906 --> 00:11:06,305
It-it isn't what
it looks like.
278
00:11:06,307 --> 00:11:08,741
It looks like you're having
kinky sex with my sister.
279
00:11:08,743 --> 00:11:10,576
Then it is what it looks like.
280
00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:12,311
I can't
believe this.
281
00:11:12,313 --> 00:11:13,613
Me, neither.
282
00:11:13,615 --> 00:11:16,816
This is the best
day of my life!
283
00:11:18,185 --> 00:11:19,585
What?!
284
00:11:19,587 --> 00:11:22,521
What guy doesn't want to see
his best friend bang his sister?
285
00:11:22,523 --> 00:11:24,156
What?!
What?! What?!
286
00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:27,226
My two favorite people in
the world got together.
287
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:29,662
Those are your two
favorite people?
288
00:11:29,664 --> 00:11:31,464
Don't worry.
You're number three.
289
00:11:32,966 --> 00:11:36,602
If you were banging my
sister, you'd be number one.
290
00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:39,705
Well, I'm-I'm glad
you're so excited about this.
291
00:11:39,707 --> 00:11:41,807
I was worried you were gonna
punch me in the face.
292
00:11:41,809 --> 00:11:43,009
Ah, if anything, I'd maybe
293
00:11:43,011 --> 00:11:46,479
swat you on the nose with
a rolled-up newspaper.
294
00:11:46,481 --> 00:11:49,081
Or cut off your balls.
295
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,683
Well, I'm gonna go
get dressed.
296
00:11:50,685 --> 00:11:53,119
I have to take Jeff
for a walk.
297
00:11:55,522 --> 00:11:57,890
Hey, you know
that special bottle of champagne
298
00:11:57,892 --> 00:11:59,525
we were saving
for our wedding?
299
00:11:59,527 --> 00:12:01,627
Let's pop it now!
300
00:12:01,629 --> 00:12:04,730
Why not? I just popped
your sister five minutes ago.
301
00:12:04,732 --> 00:12:06,932
Jeff, you are the king!
302
00:12:09,303 --> 00:12:12,705
Really? What are you doing
with Larry's sister?
303
00:12:12,707 --> 00:12:13,939
Just a little game.
304
00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:16,242
You know, I-I pretend
I'm a dog, and she rescues me,
305
00:12:16,244 --> 00:12:18,311
and then I give her my bone.
306
00:12:18,313 --> 00:12:22,114
All right, Alan,
you know what? Stop.
307
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,016
Stop being friends
with my fiancé,
308
00:12:24,018 --> 00:12:27,420
stop dating my fiancé's sister,
and stop poking me on Facebook.
309
00:12:27,422 --> 00:12:29,822
It doesn't mean what
you think it does.
310
00:12:29,824 --> 00:12:31,691
You know what?
You can't tell me what to do.
311
00:12:31,693 --> 00:12:32,892
I am my own man.
312
00:12:32,894 --> 00:12:34,126
I will do what I want
313
00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:35,428
with whomever I want
whenever I want.
314
00:12:35,430 --> 00:12:36,595
Now, excuse me.
315
00:12:39,866 --> 00:12:42,835
You're standing on my leash.
316
00:12:46,873 --> 00:12:48,741
♪ Men. ♪
317
00:12:48,743 --> 00:12:51,110
♪ All the single Barrys,
all the single Barrys ♪
318
00:12:51,112 --> 00:12:52,778
♪ Make a turkey sandwich,
make a turkey sandwich ♪
319
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,281
♪ If you like it then you should
have put some cheese on it ♪
320
00:12:55,283 --> 00:12:57,116
♪ If you like it then you should
have put some cheese on it ♪
321
00:12:57,118 --> 00:13:01,420
♪ May-a-o, oh-oh-oh,
oh-oh-oh, oh... ♪
322
00:13:01,422 --> 00:13:04,023
Oh, hey.
323
00:13:04,025 --> 00:13:06,359
Bare, can I talk to you?
324
00:13:06,361 --> 00:13:07,827
Sure. What's up?
325
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:09,462
Let me ask you something.
326
00:13:09,464 --> 00:13:11,764
Suppose you had someone
living with you,
327
00:13:11,766 --> 00:13:14,233
and you wanted them to leave.
328
00:13:14,235 --> 00:13:16,736
How would you go about
making that clear?
329
00:13:16,738 --> 00:13:18,804
Well, I don't like
confrontation,
330
00:13:18,806 --> 00:13:20,573
so I'd probably do something
passive-aggressive
331
00:13:20,575 --> 00:13:21,907
like sit them down
332
00:13:21,909 --> 00:13:23,576
and ask them
how they would approach...
333
00:13:23,578 --> 00:13:25,611
Oh, you're asking me
to move out.
334
00:13:25,613 --> 00:13:28,381
No, no, no, no, I'm not
asking you to move out.
335
00:13:28,383 --> 00:13:32,251
I'm-I'm asking you
to move in...
336
00:13:32,253 --> 00:13:34,787
to the... outside.
337
00:13:34,789 --> 00:13:36,989
Okay.
338
00:13:36,991 --> 00:13:38,691
Boy, man, I'm so sorry.
339
00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:41,060
I just have been having a lot
of fun here, you know.
340
00:13:41,062 --> 00:13:43,396
Everybody's so nice,
and you've been so welcoming.
341
00:13:43,398 --> 00:13:46,132
Up until just now when you
told me to get the hell out.
342
00:13:46,134 --> 00:13:47,299
Don't get me wrong.
343
00:13:47,301 --> 00:13:49,201
It's not that I don't love
having you here.
344
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,637
It's just that I don't think
that I can legally
345
00:13:51,639 --> 00:13:54,573
have anyone else live here
unless I adopt them.
346
00:13:54,575 --> 00:13:56,942
I'm down for that.
347
00:13:56,944 --> 00:13:59,011
Okay, well, let's table that,
348
00:13:59,013 --> 00:14:03,115
but in-in the meantime, we'll
look for an apartment for you.
349
00:14:03,117 --> 00:14:06,218
Uh, well, I mean,
today is kind of already shot.
350
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:07,920
Maybe pick it up tomorrow?
351
00:14:07,922 --> 00:14:09,855
Yeah. Okay, yeah.
352
00:14:09,857 --> 00:14:12,625
I mean, it's-it's 10:30.
353
00:14:12,627 --> 00:14:16,495
In the morning.
354
00:14:16,497 --> 00:14:18,464
Great.
Uh, I'm gonna go get high
355
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:20,132
and eat my sandwich
out on the deck.
356
00:14:20,134 --> 00:14:22,301
Okay
357
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:27,273
He's never moving out.
358
00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:29,341
Hey.
Oh, hey.
359
00:14:29,343 --> 00:14:32,945
Wait. Are you just getting back
from your date with Gretchen?
360
00:14:32,947 --> 00:14:35,314
No. No, no. I had to go back
to the restaurant.
361
00:14:35,316 --> 00:14:37,116
I left my hat
at the valet stand.
362
00:14:37,118 --> 00:14:38,250
Liar!
363
00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:41,687
You would never pay for parking.
364
00:14:42,856 --> 00:14:45,124
All right, admit it,
you slept with Gretchen.
365
00:14:45,126 --> 00:14:47,460
You're right, I slept with her.
366
00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:50,696
And I found a broken meter
two blocks from the restaurant.
367
00:14:50,698 --> 00:14:52,498
I thought you were
calling it off with her.
368
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:55,301
Well, I started to, but
you-you know how breakups go.
369
00:14:55,303 --> 00:14:57,236
I mean, you try
to be considerate
370
00:14:57,238 --> 00:14:59,705
and let her down easy,
and next thing you know,
371
00:14:59,707 --> 00:15:01,707
you're wearing a dog collar
and a leash
372
00:15:01,709 --> 00:15:04,777
while she lets you
lick peanut butter
373
00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:07,279
out of a chew toy
between her boobs.
374
00:15:09,049 --> 00:15:12,384
♪ Men. ♪
375
00:15:12,386 --> 00:15:14,787
Whoa...
376
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:16,789
Look at this place.
377
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:20,059
Hello, apartment,
good-bye panties, huh?
378
00:15:20,061 --> 00:15:22,127
I don't think
this place is for me.
379
00:15:22,129 --> 00:15:24,630
It just doesn't scream "Barry."
380
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:27,399
It will
when the panties come off.
381
00:15:27,401 --> 00:15:29,435
No. Plus, the feng shui
is just off.
382
00:15:29,437 --> 00:15:30,703
All right.
383
00:15:30,705 --> 00:15:32,438
This is the sixth place
you didn't like.
384
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,975
And the last one you said was
in a bad school district.
385
00:15:37,344 --> 00:15:38,611
What's going on here?
386
00:15:38,613 --> 00:15:41,213
Nothing. Nothing's
going on. I just...
387
00:15:41,215 --> 00:15:43,349
I've never really
lived alone before.
388
00:15:43,351 --> 00:15:44,517
Never?
389
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:46,819
Well, when my dad left,
I lived with my mom,
390
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,354
and then boarding school,
391
00:15:48,356 --> 00:15:50,022
and then, in college,
I always had roommates,
392
00:15:50,024 --> 00:15:51,924
and then after college,
I lived with Nicole.
393
00:15:51,926 --> 00:15:53,659
I mean,
I'm like a baby duck, Walden.
394
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,695
When Mama Duck leaves, I cling
to the next mama duck.
395
00:15:56,697 --> 00:15:59,298
Okay, but my flock is too big,
396
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:03,736
so, you gotta get the flock
out of my house.
397
00:16:03,738 --> 00:16:05,371
I don't know
if I can make it on my own.
398
00:16:05,373 --> 00:16:06,805
Okay, listen, I know
what's going on.
399
00:16:06,807 --> 00:16:07,973
I know how you feel.
400
00:16:07,975 --> 00:16:10,042
I felt the same way when
my wife walked out on me.
401
00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:11,110
What did you do?
402
00:16:11,112 --> 00:16:12,545
I bought a house
403
00:16:12,547 --> 00:16:16,282
and let a 45-year-old man
and his son live there.
404
00:16:16,284 --> 00:16:18,717
Wow. A real
Scared Straight moment here.
405
00:16:18,719 --> 00:16:20,619
Let's grab up a pizza
on the way back to the beach.
406
00:16:20,621 --> 00:16:21,754
Barry, listen to me.
407
00:16:21,756 --> 00:16:23,188
I'm going to say
something to you
408
00:16:23,190 --> 00:16:25,257
that I have never
said before in my life.
409
00:16:25,259 --> 00:16:27,226
You can't live with me.
410
00:16:27,228 --> 00:16:28,694
Oh, my God.
411
00:16:31,933 --> 00:16:33,933
I did it.
412
00:16:33,935 --> 00:16:35,668
I'm sorry.
You're-You're my first.
413
00:16:35,670 --> 00:16:37,136
No, no, no,
I don't want to be your first.
414
00:16:37,138 --> 00:16:38,604
Your first should be
someone special,
415
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,173
like a whore
that your stepdad buys you.
416
00:16:42,576 --> 00:16:44,643
...is an example I just made up.
417
00:16:44,645 --> 00:16:47,746
Listen, Barry, you're...
you are gonna be okay.
418
00:16:47,748 --> 00:16:50,649
And you can come and visit
anytime that you want.
419
00:16:50,651 --> 00:16:51,417
Really?
420
00:16:51,419 --> 00:16:53,218
Yeah, just stop on by.
421
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,087
But you can't live with me!
422
00:16:55,089 --> 00:16:56,855
Now or ever.
423
00:16:56,857 --> 00:16:58,757
Okay, but I can't just
stay here.
424
00:16:58,759 --> 00:16:59,959
Yes, you can!
425
00:16:59,961 --> 00:17:01,627
I'm gonna take care
of the paperwork,
426
00:17:01,629 --> 00:17:03,429
and then
I'll send your stuff over.
427
00:17:03,431 --> 00:17:04,830
You just make yourself at home.
428
00:17:04,832 --> 00:17:06,365
But you can't live with me!
429
00:17:06,367 --> 00:17:08,834
All right, message received.
430
00:17:08,836 --> 00:17:10,569
Okay, I'm sorry--
I'm just... I'm really excited.
431
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,037
This is a big moment for me.
432
00:17:12,039 --> 00:17:14,139
I'm gonna go find Alan.
433
00:17:14,141 --> 00:17:15,574
You can't live with me!
434
00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:18,344
You can't live with me!
435
00:17:18,346 --> 00:17:19,311
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
436
00:17:19,313 --> 00:17:20,446
But you can't
live with me!
437
00:17:20,448 --> 00:17:21,880
♪ Men. ♪
438
00:17:21,882 --> 00:17:25,150
I can't tell you how happy I am
you guys are dating.
439
00:17:26,754 --> 00:17:28,954
No offense, Sis, but some of
the guys you've brought home--
440
00:17:28,956 --> 00:17:31,323
I mean, no job,
no house, no car.
441
00:17:31,325 --> 00:17:32,758
Real losers.
442
00:17:34,494 --> 00:17:36,028
Wow, sounds like the deadbeats
443
00:17:36,030 --> 00:17:38,063
I used to date
before I found Larry.
444
00:17:38,065 --> 00:17:41,634
Well, I've, uh, I've had some
real winners in my past, too.
445
00:17:41,636 --> 00:17:43,068
Cheaters, drunks,
446
00:17:43,070 --> 00:17:46,271
45-year-old women
trying to pass as 38.
447
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,741
Lyndsey just turned 38!
448
00:17:49,876 --> 00:17:53,278
Well, luckily, those people
are out of our lives now.
449
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,214
Yeah, but sometimes I swear
450
00:17:55,216 --> 00:17:57,783
I can see their stupid faces
right in front of me.
451
00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:01,020
That might be
a wine-induced hallucination.
452
00:18:01,022 --> 00:18:03,656
Speaking of wine,
a toast to the four of us.
453
00:18:03,658 --> 00:18:06,592
May this be the first
of many dinners, celebrations,
454
00:18:06,594 --> 00:18:08,727
holidays, vacations,
anniversaries...
455
00:18:08,729 --> 00:18:11,163
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, we get it.
456
00:18:11,165 --> 00:18:13,365
To us. Bottoms up.
457
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:14,600
I know mine will be.
458
00:18:14,602 --> 00:18:17,302
Mmm! You are a bad girl.
459
00:18:19,407 --> 00:18:22,374
I think we're making
them uncomfortable.
460
00:18:22,376 --> 00:18:24,243
Not as uncomfortable
as last night,
461
00:18:24,245 --> 00:18:27,212
having sex with your butt
on a hot stove.
462
00:18:27,214 --> 00:18:28,614
We were fooling
around in the kitchen,
463
00:18:28,616 --> 00:18:30,716
and I picked him up
in a moment of passion.
464
00:18:33,319 --> 00:18:35,220
I loved it.
465
00:18:36,322 --> 00:18:38,157
Wow!
466
00:18:38,159 --> 00:18:40,993
Lyndsey doesn't use the stove
for cooking or sex.
467
00:18:43,697 --> 00:18:45,998
Sweetie, sweetie,
what are you doing?
468
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,133
Don't forget the little butter packets.
Oh!
469
00:18:49,536 --> 00:18:50,669
You're my little butter packet.
470
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,704
Oh.
471
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:54,306
Doesn't look
like they're thinking
472
00:18:54,308 --> 00:18:55,808
about any of their exes now.
473
00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,710
No, it doesn't.
474
00:18:57,712 --> 00:18:58,977
He's thinking
about banging my sister.
475
00:18:58,979 --> 00:19:00,679
I know what he's thinking!
476
00:19:02,882 --> 00:19:04,416
♪ Men. ♪
477
00:19:04,418 --> 00:19:07,453
Okay.
478
00:19:07,455 --> 00:19:09,688
One roommate down,
two to go.
479
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,689
Alan...
480
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,458
Hey, there he is.
481
00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:14,226
Barry?
482
00:19:14,228 --> 00:19:15,761
What are you doing here?
483
00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:19,031
Well, you said I could stop
by anytime I wanted, so...
484
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,133
Yeah, but I-I just left you.
485
00:19:21,135 --> 00:19:23,469
17 minutes ago.
486
00:19:23,471 --> 00:19:25,404
I know.
I missed you, too.
487
00:19:26,506 --> 00:19:28,073
Walden, are you done?
We're in the middle of a game.
488
00:19:28,075 --> 00:19:29,708
Hey, can you go
on a beer run?
489
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,410
What the hell is going on here?
490
00:19:31,412 --> 00:19:33,011
This is my house!
491
00:19:33,013 --> 00:19:34,713
Do you mind?!
492
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:38,283
Some of us are trying to nap!
493
00:19:38,285 --> 00:19:41,186
♪ Men. ♪
494
00:19:41,188 --> 00:19:43,288
Oh, oh, well, then put up
a sign that says
495
00:19:43,290 --> 00:19:46,725
only one roll of mints
per customer.
496
00:19:47,995 --> 00:19:49,061
Oh.
497
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,229
Lyndsey.
498
00:19:51,431 --> 00:19:52,664
Are you waiting?
499
00:19:52,666 --> 00:19:54,967
Someone pooping in there?
500
00:19:54,969 --> 00:19:57,035
What the hell was that about?
501
00:19:57,037 --> 00:19:59,138
"You're my
little butter packet."
502
00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:00,305
What upset you more?
503
00:20:00,307 --> 00:20:01,507
That she stole that bread...
504
00:20:01,509 --> 00:20:03,408
or my heart?
505
00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:05,244
So you are doing this
just to make me jealous.
506
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,545
No, that's not it at all.
507
00:20:06,547 --> 00:20:08,547
Too bad, 'cause it's working.
508
00:20:09,582 --> 00:20:10,916
I'm sorry, I...
509
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:12,050
No, I-I really like Gretchen.
510
00:20:12,052 --> 00:20:13,085
I-I can't do this.
511
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,686
Jeff Strongman can't.
512
00:20:14,688 --> 00:20:16,622
But Alan Harper can.
513
00:20:16,624 --> 00:20:18,457
Works for me.
514
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,661
Is that a roll of mints
in your pocket
515
00:20:22,663 --> 00:20:24,196
or are you just
happy to see me?
516
00:20:24,198 --> 00:20:27,166
Actually,
it is a roll of mints.
517
00:20:27,168 --> 00:20:29,902
And a comb.
518
00:20:29,904 --> 00:20:32,471
And a bottle of Paco Rabanne.
519
00:20:32,473 --> 00:20:35,140
♪ Men. ♪
520
00:20:41,296 --> 00:20:42,563
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:20:42,565 --> 00:20:45,199
All right, the shot
for the win.
522
00:20:45,201 --> 00:20:47,601
Be the ball, see the cups.
523
00:20:47,603 --> 00:20:49,169
Hey, Barry, check
out these cups.
524
00:20:50,472 --> 00:20:52,473
Aah! Ball to the face.
525
00:20:52,475 --> 00:20:54,208
First time for everything.
526
00:20:55,110 --> 00:20:57,945
I may need to see that
again and again.
527
00:20:57,947 --> 00:20:59,980
Walden, we have
security cameras, right?
528
00:21:01,149 --> 00:21:02,316
Where's Walden?
529
00:21:05,654 --> 00:21:07,354
I could totally live here.
530
00:21:08,841 --> 00:21:11,600
Screech, will you never learn?
531
00:21:11,601 --> 00:21:16,601
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
37638
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