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1
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Previously on:
2
00:00:02,767 --> 00:00:04,233
So, what happened
between you and your girl?
3
00:00:04,235 --> 00:00:07,102
She wanted to get married, and
I'm just not sure I'm ready.
4
00:00:07,104 --> 00:00:08,604
That's the same reason
I lost Lyndsey.
5
00:00:08,606 --> 00:00:10,973
You got to get her back.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
6
00:00:10,975 --> 00:00:13,542
I am gonna ask Lyndsey
to marry me.
7
00:00:13,544 --> 00:00:16,478
Yeah, I just have to get a ring.
I got a ring you could have.
8
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,514
You must be here
to see your friend Larry,
9
00:00:18,516 --> 00:00:20,182
who is also here.
10
00:00:20,951 --> 00:00:24,186
Lyndsey MacElroy,
will you marry me?
11
00:00:24,188 --> 00:00:26,388
Yes, I will marry you!
12
00:00:31,861 --> 00:00:33,596
What's going on down here?
13
00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:35,898
I got up to pee
and I heard moaning.
14
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,399
No, you heard crying.
15
00:00:40,271 --> 00:00:42,671
And moaning.
16
00:00:42,673 --> 00:00:45,040
You're watching porn
at 3:00 in the morning?
17
00:00:45,042 --> 00:00:46,809
No, it's that
soft-core flick
18
00:00:46,811 --> 00:00:49,011
that Lyndsey made
back in the '90s,
19
00:00:49,013 --> 00:00:51,280
Cinnamon's Buns.
20
00:00:51,282 --> 00:00:54,817
Nothing brings me back
like hearing her fake an orgasm.
21
00:00:54,819 --> 00:00:57,586
Oh, listen, I know
that breakups are hard, but...
22
00:00:57,588 --> 00:01:00,422
Uh, please tell me
those were for crying.
23
00:01:01,291 --> 00:01:02,458
Oh, yes, yes, uh, yes.
24
00:01:02,460 --> 00:01:05,060
Uh, uh, crying, yes,
very upset, very upset, yes.
25
00:01:05,062 --> 00:01:08,464
Wow, you know, you're
a classy guy, Alan.
26
00:01:08,466 --> 00:01:10,399
It's hard to understand
why she accepted
27
00:01:10,401 --> 00:01:12,134
Larry's proposal and not yours.
28
00:01:12,136 --> 00:01:14,903
Technically, I never
actually proposed.
29
00:01:14,905 --> 00:01:15,856
What?
30
00:01:15,881 --> 00:01:17,841
Well, when I got there
he was already doing it,
31
00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:21,076
so I just figured I'd chalk
this one up as another loss
32
00:01:21,078 --> 00:01:22,478
and move on.
33
00:01:22,480 --> 00:01:25,314
82,223;
34
00:01:25,316 --> 00:01:27,082
12.
35
00:01:27,084 --> 00:01:28,951
Come on, you're exaggerating.
36
00:01:28,953 --> 00:01:31,253
You have not had 12 victories.
37
00:01:31,255 --> 00:01:32,955
Yes, I have.
38
00:01:32,957 --> 00:01:36,959
Uh, my son, plus the number of years
I've lived here rent-free.
39
00:01:36,961 --> 00:01:38,894
I can't believe
you just stood there
40
00:01:38,896 --> 00:01:40,996
while another guy
proposed to your girl
41
00:01:40,998 --> 00:01:42,398
and you didn't say anything.
42
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,299
There's nothing
I can do about it.
43
00:01:44,301 --> 00:01:46,902
Larry's the one
frosting her muffins now.
44
00:01:46,904 --> 00:01:50,472
Have we learned nothing
from Cinnamon's Buns?
45
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:53,642
She told Master Baker no
46
00:01:53,644 --> 00:01:55,511
five times!
47
00:01:55,513 --> 00:01:57,713
Did he listen? No!
48
00:01:59,149 --> 00:02:01,984
No, the only reason Lyndsey
settled for Larry
49
00:02:01,986 --> 00:02:05,287
is 'cause she didn't know
she could settle for you!
50
00:02:05,289 --> 00:02:07,089
You're right. I mean,
you're a handsome billionaire,
51
00:02:07,091 --> 00:02:08,524
and you settled for me.
52
00:02:09,459 --> 00:02:11,293
She's just a-a-a divorced,
53
00:02:11,295 --> 00:02:13,128
middle-aged lush...
54
00:02:14,097 --> 00:02:15,998
...of my dreams.
55
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,667
That's the spirit!
Now, get up and...
56
00:02:18,669 --> 00:02:20,335
wash your hands and...
57
00:02:20,337 --> 00:02:22,204
burn this couch,
and go get your...
58
00:02:22,206 --> 00:02:24,373
surprisingly flexible
girlfriend back.
59
00:02:24,375 --> 00:02:26,241
You're right, you're right.
Thanks, Walden.
60
00:02:26,243 --> 00:02:27,976
Oh, Master Baker,
61
00:02:27,978 --> 00:02:31,180
would you like to watch while
I train this lovely young maiden
62
00:02:31,182 --> 00:02:33,182
to churn your butter?
63
00:02:33,184 --> 00:02:36,051
Maybe one more scene.
64
00:02:36,053 --> 00:02:39,254
This is a pivotal
part of the film.
65
00:02:39,256 --> 00:02:41,390
You might need this.
66
00:02:42,459 --> 00:02:46,495
This scene's
a real tear... jerker.
67
00:02:46,497 --> 00:02:49,364
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
68
00:02:49,366 --> 00:02:51,647
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
69
00:02:51,648 --> 00:02:55,648
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x15 ♪
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
Original Air Date on February 27, 2014
70
00:02:55,649 --> 00:03:00,649
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
71
00:03:00,675 --> 00:03:03,410
Hey, Berta,
how about a cup of coffee?
72
00:03:03,412 --> 00:03:06,012
No, thanks, I just had a cup.
73
00:03:07,048 --> 00:03:09,116
I don't know why
you keep her on payroll.
74
00:03:09,118 --> 00:03:12,419
Says the guy I pay
to be my assistant.
75
00:03:12,421 --> 00:03:13,887
Oh, oh, that's still a thing?
76
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,389
Oh, oh, cup of joe
coming right up, boss.
77
00:03:17,725 --> 00:03:19,793
Hey, what are you
doing there?
78
00:03:19,795 --> 00:03:22,596
I'm making breakfast
in bed for Brooke.
79
00:03:22,598 --> 00:03:24,731
Hey, what tastes good on boobs?
80
00:03:24,733 --> 00:03:26,766
Pineapple rings are always fun.
81
00:03:26,768 --> 00:03:29,703
Yeah. You get the room
nice and cold, and you play ring toss.
82
00:03:29,705 --> 00:03:31,781
Yeah, and with
Brooke's bad boys, you could...
83
00:03:31,782 --> 00:03:32,306
Hey.
84
00:03:32,307 --> 00:03:35,041
Omaha! Omaha!
85
00:03:36,911 --> 00:03:38,345
What? Hmm?
86
00:03:38,347 --> 00:03:40,580
Nothing. We weren't talking
about your boobs.
87
00:03:40,582 --> 00:03:43,550
Why not? You stare
at 'em enough.
88
00:03:43,552 --> 00:03:45,118
What?
89
00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:47,888
I don't... I never...
90
00:03:47,890 --> 00:03:49,389
I'm sorry.
91
00:03:50,391 --> 00:03:51,658
Where are you going?
92
00:03:51,660 --> 00:03:52,993
I got to get to work.
93
00:03:52,995 --> 00:03:54,394
You can't leave--
breakfast sex
94
00:03:54,396 --> 00:03:56,563
is the most important meal
of the day.
95
00:03:56,565 --> 00:03:58,732
Sorry. Mwa!
I'll call you later, okay, babe?
96
00:03:59,567 --> 00:04:01,168
No worries.
97
00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:03,937
Call me whenever you can.
Oh, God, she's dumping me.
98
00:04:04,572 --> 00:04:05,972
What are you talking about?
99
00:04:05,974 --> 00:04:07,507
Didn't you just hear that?
100
00:04:07,509 --> 00:04:09,176
She's "going to work."
101
00:04:09,178 --> 00:04:12,112
Okay, I know no one in this
house is familiar with it,
102
00:04:12,114 --> 00:04:15,749
but "going to work"
is an actual thing.
103
00:04:16,784 --> 00:04:19,853
It's kind of like "paying rent".
104
00:04:22,623 --> 00:04:24,291
It's not just that, it's...
105
00:04:24,293 --> 00:04:26,459
it's been forever
since we've had sex.
106
00:04:26,461 --> 00:04:27,928
Well, how long is forever?
107
00:04:27,930 --> 00:04:29,296
Two days!
108
00:04:29,298 --> 00:04:31,131
I hate you.
109
00:04:32,066 --> 00:04:33,900
Come on, you and Brooke
are great together.
110
00:04:33,902 --> 00:04:35,135
She's not breaking up with you.
111
00:04:35,137 --> 00:04:36,770
Uh, then again,
maybe she is slipping away,
112
00:04:36,772 --> 00:04:38,572
and you're just gonna have
to face the possibility
113
00:04:38,574 --> 00:04:40,440
of being alone
for the rest of your life.
114
00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:43,777
Oh, my God!
115
00:04:45,147 --> 00:04:47,280
What the hell's
the matter with you?
116
00:04:47,282 --> 00:04:48,715
Why would you say that to her?
117
00:04:48,717 --> 00:04:50,050
I'm just trying to prepare her
118
00:04:50,052 --> 00:04:51,985
for-for the harsh realities
of real life.
119
00:04:51,987 --> 00:04:55,722
I mean, who else is gonna do it,
her father? He's dead, Walden!
120
00:04:55,724 --> 00:04:58,124
Why are you even here?
I thought you were
121
00:04:58,126 --> 00:04:59,593
gonna go win Lyndsey back.
122
00:04:59,595 --> 00:05:00,961
It's early.
I want to win her back,
123
00:05:00,963 --> 00:05:02,996
but I don't want to spend
the whole day with her.
124
00:05:10,471 --> 00:05:11,504
Alan.
125
00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:14,407
Lyndsey MacElroy, I love you.
126
00:05:14,409 --> 00:05:16,409
You are my world.
127
00:05:16,411 --> 00:05:20,113
I want you to spend
the rest of your life with me.
128
00:05:20,115 --> 00:05:22,148
And Walden.
129
00:05:22,150 --> 00:05:23,750
You're-you're kidding, right?
130
00:05:23,752 --> 00:05:25,185
I'm engaged to Larry.
131
00:05:25,187 --> 00:05:27,187
That's not fair.
I mean, if I hadn't stopped
132
00:05:27,189 --> 00:05:30,156
at that gas station to poop,
I would have been here first.
133
00:05:30,992 --> 00:05:32,425
Alan, don't.
134
00:05:32,427 --> 00:05:33,994
Maybe this will change
your mind.
135
00:05:33,996 --> 00:05:35,962
Oh, Alan, it doesn't matter
136
00:05:35,964 --> 00:05:37,197
what kind of ring...
137
00:05:37,199 --> 00:05:40,367
Holy crap, that thing's huge!
138
00:05:40,369 --> 00:05:42,035
That's what she said.
139
00:05:43,104 --> 00:05:45,705
I know, not the right time.
What do you say?
140
00:05:45,707 --> 00:05:47,641
I say I'm marrying Larry.
141
00:05:47,643 --> 00:05:49,876
But why?
He loves me.
142
00:05:49,878 --> 00:05:51,111
Not as much as I do.
143
00:05:51,113 --> 00:05:52,445
He has his own house.
144
00:05:52,447 --> 00:05:53,580
I...
145
00:05:53,582 --> 00:05:55,415
love you.
146
00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:57,083
I'm sorry, Alan.
147
00:05:57,085 --> 00:06:00,186
You-you really think Larry can
make you happier than I can?
148
00:06:00,188 --> 00:06:02,589
I think I made
the right decision.
149
00:06:02,591 --> 00:06:04,357
You made your bed.
150
00:06:04,359 --> 00:06:05,925
Now let's have sex in it.
151
00:06:05,927 --> 00:06:07,727
Alan.
152
00:06:08,729 --> 00:06:10,764
Good-bye.
153
00:06:15,069 --> 00:06:17,370
All right.
154
00:06:17,372 --> 00:06:20,740
82,224.
155
00:06:27,114 --> 00:06:29,349
Twenty-five.
156
00:06:41,662 --> 00:06:43,530
Alan.
157
00:06:43,532 --> 00:06:44,964
Hi, Judith.
158
00:06:44,966 --> 00:06:46,166
What are you doing here?
159
00:06:46,168 --> 00:06:47,634
Oh, God, what did Jake do?
160
00:06:47,636 --> 00:06:50,437
Please tell me the Army didn't
let him drive a tank again.
161
00:06:50,439 --> 00:06:52,238
No, no, nothing's
wrong with Jake.
162
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,341
Well, nothing new wrong.
163
00:06:54,343 --> 00:06:56,242
Then what's going on?
Is everything okay?
164
00:06:56,244 --> 00:06:58,945
Uh, it's just that I've been
having a really rough day,
165
00:06:58,947 --> 00:07:00,914
and I needed to see
a friendly face.
166
00:07:00,916 --> 00:07:03,083
And you picked me?
167
00:07:03,085 --> 00:07:05,719
There's that friendly face.
168
00:07:05,721 --> 00:07:07,253
I'm sorry.
Why don't you come on in.
169
00:07:07,255 --> 00:07:08,421
I just opened a bottle of wine.
170
00:07:08,423 --> 00:07:10,223
Thanks.
Wait.
171
00:07:10,225 --> 00:07:11,624
You don't need money, do you?
172
00:07:11,626 --> 00:07:13,426
No, not at all.
Okay, good.
173
00:07:13,428 --> 00:07:15,762
Wait, are you offering?
174
00:07:21,235 --> 00:07:23,803
Whoa, nice blanket.
175
00:07:24,672 --> 00:07:26,806
What's with the cat lady
starter kit?
176
00:07:26,808 --> 00:07:27,841
It's my bad-news blanket.
177
00:07:27,843 --> 00:07:30,110
My mom gave it to me
when I was a kid.
178
00:07:30,112 --> 00:07:31,544
I know what
you're saying.
179
00:07:31,546 --> 00:07:33,380
I have a bad-news bong.
180
00:07:34,682 --> 00:07:36,449
And a good-news bong.
181
00:07:36,451 --> 00:07:39,185
And a watching-the-news bong.
182
00:07:39,187 --> 00:07:42,689
I guess what I'm saying is,
I like to get high.
183
00:07:43,657 --> 00:07:45,725
This about Brooke?
She blew me off again.
184
00:07:45,727 --> 00:07:47,427
She was supposed
to come over after work,
185
00:07:47,429 --> 00:07:49,262
but she said she was tired.
186
00:07:50,164 --> 00:07:54,000
Not having sex with me
must be exhausting.
187
00:07:54,002 --> 00:07:55,869
Look... Jenny,
188
00:07:55,871 --> 00:07:57,670
in any relationship,
189
00:07:57,672 --> 00:07:59,072
it's normal for there to be
190
00:07:59,074 --> 00:08:01,174
a lull in the bedroom
after a while.
191
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:02,375
Does the sex come back?
192
00:08:02,377 --> 00:08:04,744
You're cute.
193
00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:08,882
But it does help
if you do romantic stuff.
194
00:08:08,884 --> 00:08:09,949
Like what?
195
00:08:09,951 --> 00:08:11,551
Surprise her.
Be spontaneous.
196
00:08:11,553 --> 00:08:13,520
Let her know
that you appreciate her.
197
00:08:13,522 --> 00:08:15,955
I guess I could send flowers
to her work.
198
00:08:15,957 --> 00:08:18,892
Ugh! That's so gay.
199
00:08:18,894 --> 00:08:21,895
Well, these are the kinds
of things we have to do
200
00:08:21,897 --> 00:08:24,130
as a relationship evolves.
201
00:08:24,132 --> 00:08:25,098
See,
202
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:27,400
sex becomes companionship,
203
00:08:27,402 --> 00:08:30,370
and companionship
becomes commitment.
204
00:08:31,439 --> 00:08:34,808
Commitment...
becomes complacency, which...
205
00:08:34,810 --> 00:08:37,010
gives way to contempt.
206
00:08:38,479 --> 00:08:42,615
Until you find yourself longing
for the sweet release of death.
207
00:08:42,617 --> 00:08:44,250
Yikes.
208
00:08:44,252 --> 00:08:46,286
I'm gonna go get
my bad-news bong.
209
00:08:50,024 --> 00:08:52,692
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
Uh, you remember, uh,
210
00:08:52,694 --> 00:08:55,128
Jake's seventh grade
science project?
211
00:08:55,130 --> 00:08:57,464
Wait, which seventh grade?
Second time.
212
00:08:57,466 --> 00:08:58,832
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
213
00:08:58,834 --> 00:09:00,667
Um, he wanted to study
214
00:09:00,669 --> 00:09:02,902
how different foods
would make his farts smell.
215
00:09:02,904 --> 00:09:05,538
Oh, yeah! He'd rip one
in Tupperware,
216
00:09:05,540 --> 00:09:07,574
seal it and label it.
Mm.
217
00:09:07,576 --> 00:09:10,076
To this day, I still remember
218
00:09:10,078 --> 00:09:12,479
Brussels sprouts. Yes.
Oh, Brussels sprouts. Ugh...!
219
00:09:12,481 --> 00:09:14,547
Most parents make
their kids eat vegetables.
220
00:09:14,549 --> 00:09:16,983
We made ours stop. Yeah.
Right.
221
00:09:16,985 --> 00:09:18,585
And then he got rickets.
222
00:09:20,555 --> 00:09:24,123
Oh... oh, it's been
a crazy ride, hasn't it?
223
00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:25,892
Yeah.
Mm.
224
00:09:27,194 --> 00:09:29,362
Hey... can I
ask you something?
225
00:09:29,364 --> 00:09:30,964
Oh, here we go.
How much?
226
00:09:30,966 --> 00:09:33,266
No, no, not that.
227
00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:35,201
What's wrong with me?
228
00:09:35,203 --> 00:09:38,171
Oh, Alan. I don't carry around
a list of your faults.
229
00:09:38,173 --> 00:09:40,940
My therapist said
it's no longer healthy.
230
00:09:40,942 --> 00:09:43,276
I'm-I'm serious.
I mean, it seems like
231
00:09:43,278 --> 00:09:46,346
every relationship I've ever been in
I've screwed up.
232
00:09:46,348 --> 00:09:48,314
Oh. Look, a marriage
doesn't fail
233
00:09:48,316 --> 00:09:50,283
because of one
person screwing up.
234
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:52,819
I screwed up two marriages.
Oh, yeah,
235
00:09:52,821 --> 00:09:55,555
yeah, you're right--
you're a two-time loser.
236
00:09:55,557 --> 00:09:58,858
Uh, but at least I have Walden;
I mean, you've got nobody.
237
00:09:58,860 --> 00:10:00,627
Oh, we're being
honest now?
238
00:10:01,428 --> 00:10:03,696
Herb's penis is
bigger than yours.
239
00:10:03,698 --> 00:10:07,433
I'd forgotten how good
you are at this.
240
00:10:07,435 --> 00:10:09,269
Ha-ha...
241
00:10:09,271 --> 00:10:11,237
I have missed you.
242
00:10:11,239 --> 00:10:13,106
I mean, you know,
not the constant verbal abuse
243
00:10:13,108 --> 00:10:14,974
that left me
a crippled shell of a man.
244
00:10:14,976 --> 00:10:17,076
But we could always
make each other laugh.
245
00:10:17,078 --> 00:10:18,912
Oh. You could never
find my G-spot,
246
00:10:18,914 --> 00:10:20,847
but you could always
find my funny bone.
247
00:10:20,849 --> 00:10:22,515
Aw...
Oh...
248
00:10:22,517 --> 00:10:24,217
I'm just kidding.
249
00:10:24,219 --> 00:10:26,486
I've missed you, too.
Mm-hmm.
250
00:10:30,658 --> 00:10:32,158
Mmm...
251
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,227
Oh, yeah, this is, uh...
252
00:10:34,229 --> 00:10:36,329
This is probably a bad idea.
253
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,797
Definitely.
Yeah, yeah.
254
00:10:43,371 --> 00:10:44,604
Oh.
255
00:10:48,876 --> 00:10:50,944
Let's look for that G-spot.
256
00:10:50,946 --> 00:10:53,246
Or... how about
you look for mine?
257
00:10:53,248 --> 00:10:55,448
Mmm. Mmm.
258
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:08,227
Oh, God.
259
00:11:08,229 --> 00:11:11,197
What did we do?
260
00:11:11,199 --> 00:11:13,366
Mmm.
261
00:11:14,468 --> 00:11:17,070
Oh, God, what did I do?
262
00:11:17,072 --> 00:11:19,706
♪ Men. ♪
263
00:11:25,478 --> 00:11:27,979
♪ Men. ♪
264
00:11:36,657 --> 00:11:38,390
Come on.
265
00:11:43,329 --> 00:11:44,863
God.
266
00:11:44,865 --> 00:11:47,198
What did we do last night?
267
00:11:53,572 --> 00:11:56,207
More!
268
00:11:56,209 --> 00:11:58,376
Oh, God.
269
00:12:13,225 --> 00:12:15,360
Oh. Oh.
270
00:12:39,820 --> 00:12:44,389
Well, well, well, someone never
made it home last night.
271
00:12:44,391 --> 00:12:47,325
Am I speaking
with an engaged man?
272
00:12:47,327 --> 00:12:50,261
I think you might be.
273
00:12:50,263 --> 00:12:51,629
That's great.
274
00:12:51,631 --> 00:12:53,298
Hey, what'd Lyndsey say
when you showed her the ring?
275
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,966
That thing is huge.
276
00:12:54,968 --> 00:12:56,234
That's what she said.
277
00:12:56,236 --> 00:12:58,169
That's what I said!
278
00:12:58,171 --> 00:13:01,539
She also said
she's staying with Larry.
279
00:13:01,541 --> 00:13:03,007
What? I thought
you said you were engaged.
280
00:13:03,009 --> 00:13:05,510
I am. To Judith.
281
00:13:05,512 --> 00:13:08,546
What, your ex-wife?
282
00:13:08,548 --> 00:13:10,815
Whoa. What the hell happened?
283
00:13:16,822 --> 00:13:18,423
Well, it's all kind of sketchy.
284
00:13:18,425 --> 00:13:19,958
We had a lot to drink.
285
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
Well, I-I've had
a lot to drink before,
286
00:13:21,962 --> 00:13:24,262
but I've never got engaged
to my ex-wife.
287
00:13:24,264 --> 00:13:25,563
Okay, maybe I'm being selfish,
288
00:13:25,565 --> 00:13:27,766
but I'd like
to talk about me right now.
289
00:13:27,768 --> 00:13:30,101
Jindsey?
Hmm?
290
00:13:30,103 --> 00:13:32,137
Ludith.
291
00:13:32,139 --> 00:13:34,272
Will you Larry me?
292
00:13:35,474 --> 00:13:37,509
Let me ask you something.
293
00:13:37,511 --> 00:13:39,577
Um, do you think
Judith would be more upset,
294
00:13:39,579 --> 00:13:42,013
uh, to wake up
and find she's engaged to me,
295
00:13:42,015 --> 00:13:44,649
or to wake up
and find she's missing a finger?
296
00:13:44,651 --> 00:13:47,552
Okay, look, I'm sure
that she got tipsy
297
00:13:47,554 --> 00:13:49,487
and caught up
in the moment, too,
298
00:13:49,489 --> 00:13:51,356
and if you're just
honest with her,
299
00:13:51,358 --> 00:13:52,857
she'll probably be relieved.
300
00:13:52,859 --> 00:13:54,092
What if she isn't?
301
00:13:54,094 --> 00:13:56,161
I mean, how do I get her
to want out of marrying me?
302
00:13:56,163 --> 00:13:57,462
Be yourself?
303
00:13:57,464 --> 00:13:59,497
Worked before.
304
00:14:05,171 --> 00:14:08,106
Hey, you.
305
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:09,974
Um, uh, listen, uh, we should...
306
00:14:09,976 --> 00:14:11,776
we should really talk
about last night.
307
00:14:11,778 --> 00:14:14,179
Absolutely, but I need
to say something first.
308
00:14:14,181 --> 00:14:16,614
Things are going
to be different this time.
309
00:14:16,616 --> 00:14:18,917
I'm not going to make
the same mistakes I made before.
310
00:14:18,919 --> 00:14:20,552
And I'm going to start
by showing you
311
00:14:20,554 --> 00:14:23,388
how much I appreciate you
every single day.
312
00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:26,391
Oh, that's really sweet, but
we really should talk about...
313
00:14:26,393 --> 00:14:30,461
♪ Who we should invite
to the wedding! ♪
314
00:14:33,632 --> 00:14:35,867
Hey.
Hi.
315
00:14:35,869 --> 00:14:37,635
Guess what.
I'm taking your advice,
316
00:14:37,637 --> 00:14:40,839
and I'm surprising Brooke
with a romantic evening.
317
00:14:40,841 --> 00:14:43,675
Good. You know, I know
that's not easy for you.
318
00:14:43,677 --> 00:14:45,210
Your dad was the same way.
319
00:14:45,212 --> 00:14:48,880
His idea of romance
was a warm washcloth,
320
00:14:48,882 --> 00:14:52,283
cab fare
and a bottle of penicillin.
321
00:14:52,285 --> 00:14:56,654
Aw! So my dad wasn't just
a drunken, diseased man-whore.
322
00:14:56,656 --> 00:14:59,324
He was a gentleman.
323
00:14:59,326 --> 00:15:04,095
Charlie would be so happy
to see his little girl now.
324
00:15:04,097 --> 00:15:06,130
Of course,
he'd be even more happy
325
00:15:06,132 --> 00:15:08,566
to see the rack
on his little girl's girlfriend.
326
00:15:08,568 --> 00:15:10,268
Does she have nice boobs?
327
00:15:10,270 --> 00:15:13,137
I've never noticed.
328
00:15:13,139 --> 00:15:14,572
Hey.
329
00:15:14,574 --> 00:15:16,040
Oh, hey.
330
00:15:16,042 --> 00:15:18,643
How'd it go with Judith?
She take it okay?
331
00:15:18,645 --> 00:15:20,712
Uh, well, uh, you know,
she... uh, she...
332
00:15:20,714 --> 00:15:23,381
It was a... a little hard
for her to swallow.
333
00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:24,816
Um...
334
00:15:24,818 --> 00:15:27,151
Well, I'm just glad
you talked to her.
335
00:15:27,153 --> 00:15:28,786
Can I get my ring back?
336
00:15:28,788 --> 00:15:30,021
Uh, funny story.
337
00:15:30,023 --> 00:15:32,490
Um... she kind of kept it,
338
00:15:32,492 --> 00:15:34,325
and we're kind of
getting married.
339
00:15:35,728 --> 00:15:37,962
Alan, I thought
you were gonna talk to her.
340
00:15:37,964 --> 00:15:39,197
Uh, I did.
341
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,466
Uh, we came to an...
oral agreement.
342
00:15:41,468 --> 00:15:43,835
Oh!
343
00:15:43,837 --> 00:15:44,969
Alan!
344
00:15:44,971 --> 00:15:46,137
It's my weakness.
345
00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:47,472
That and red velvet anything.
346
00:15:47,474 --> 00:15:48,673
Wait. Wait.
347
00:15:48,675 --> 00:15:50,275
This is the same woman
348
00:15:50,277 --> 00:15:52,343
that you said was so evil
349
00:15:52,345 --> 00:15:55,546
that her image didn't show up
in your wedding pictures.
350
00:15:55,548 --> 00:15:57,415
I only said that because,
at the time,
351
00:15:57,417 --> 00:15:59,817
I thought she was
the worst person I'd ever met,
352
00:15:59,819 --> 00:16:01,886
and she made my life
a living hell.
353
00:16:01,888 --> 00:16:03,087
But, you know, people change.
354
00:16:03,089 --> 00:16:04,756
It's gonna be great.
355
00:16:06,959 --> 00:16:11,029
So, Zippy's moving out,
and he's going to be miserable.
356
00:16:11,031 --> 00:16:12,997
So you have
been listening.
357
00:16:12,999 --> 00:16:15,166
Oh.
358
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:17,969
Oh, say,
359
00:16:17,971 --> 00:16:19,170
dinner was great, Judith.
360
00:16:19,172 --> 00:16:20,438
Thank you for inviting me over.
361
00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:22,473
Of course. You're
Alan's best friend.
362
00:16:22,475 --> 00:16:24,375
Actually, you're
Alan's only friend.
363
00:16:26,079 --> 00:16:27,545
It's funny 'cause it's true.
364
00:16:29,215 --> 00:16:30,982
Oh, honey, uh, could you pass
the potatoes, please?
365
00:16:30,984 --> 00:16:33,918
Oh, I think you've already
had plenty, doughboy. Mm.
366
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,586
Ah-ha.
367
00:16:36,690 --> 00:16:38,923
Well, I have to say,
368
00:16:38,925 --> 00:16:42,160
I was shocked when Alan told me
you were getting married again.
369
00:16:42,162 --> 00:16:43,728
Oh, you were shocked?
370
00:16:43,730 --> 00:16:45,596
There was a time
when just the thought
371
00:16:45,598 --> 00:16:47,699
of being touched by his tiny,
clammy hands again
372
00:16:47,701 --> 00:16:49,767
made me throw up
in my mouth a little.
373
00:16:50,971 --> 00:16:52,203
That's all ancient history.
374
00:16:52,205 --> 00:16:55,873
Yeah, if ancient history
was last Thursday.
375
00:16:58,912 --> 00:17:01,346
Oh, isn't she great?
376
00:17:01,348 --> 00:17:02,880
No!
377
00:17:03,716 --> 00:17:04,849
She's treating you like crap.
378
00:17:04,851 --> 00:17:06,718
The only people
that get to do that
379
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,686
are people
that do it out of love,
380
00:17:08,688 --> 00:17:10,688
like me and Berta and your mom.
381
00:17:10,690 --> 00:17:12,457
Okay, fine. Me and Berta.
382
00:17:13,092 --> 00:17:15,026
Okay. Me.
383
00:17:15,028 --> 00:17:16,260
It's harmless.
384
00:17:16,262 --> 00:17:17,895
It's just Judith being funny.
385
00:17:17,897 --> 00:17:21,299
Did... did you just twitch?
386
00:17:21,301 --> 00:17:24,802
No, I was just talking
about how funny Judith is.
387
00:17:24,804 --> 00:17:26,237
Okay, look me in the eye
388
00:17:26,239 --> 00:17:28,740
and tell me how much you love
Judith without twitching.
389
00:17:28,742 --> 00:17:30,942
Fine. I love Judith.
390
00:17:31,744 --> 00:17:33,578
There, I said it.
391
00:17:33,580 --> 00:17:34,979
Alan.
392
00:17:35,714 --> 00:17:37,615
You cannot marry this woman.
393
00:17:37,617 --> 00:17:38,950
You deserve better.
394
00:17:38,952 --> 00:17:40,952
I mean, not much better,
but better.
395
00:17:40,954 --> 00:17:42,053
You know who I deserve?
396
00:17:42,055 --> 00:17:43,921
I deserve Lyndsey,
but I can't have her.
397
00:17:43,923 --> 00:17:46,424
She's marrying somebody else,
so I'm taking what I can get.
398
00:17:46,426 --> 00:17:48,259
That's what I do.
I'm a love scavenger.
399
00:17:48,261 --> 00:17:51,429
You're also a house scavenger
and a money scavenger
400
00:17:51,431 --> 00:17:53,097
and an underwear scavenger.
401
00:17:53,099 --> 00:17:55,066
But that doesn't mean
you have to settle.
402
00:17:55,068 --> 00:17:56,667
Yes, it does.
I don't want to die alone.
403
00:17:56,669 --> 00:17:58,736
Maybe you don't realize it,
but there aren't a lot of people
404
00:17:58,738 --> 00:18:00,671
who want to spend the rest
of their lives with me.
405
00:18:00,673 --> 00:18:03,074
Oh, no, I realize it!
406
00:18:06,745 --> 00:18:08,913
Brooke, really, we can get
a hotel for the night.
407
00:18:08,915 --> 00:18:10,214
No, no, no, Dad.
It's fine.
408
00:18:10,216 --> 00:18:12,450
I'll sleep on the couch,
and you guys stay in my room.
409
00:18:13,585 --> 00:18:16,120
Surprise!
410
00:18:16,122 --> 00:18:18,222
Who's this?
411
00:18:18,224 --> 00:18:21,159
Uh, Mom, Dad,
this is, um...
412
00:18:21,161 --> 00:18:22,860
my girlfriend, Jenny.
413
00:18:22,862 --> 00:18:25,730
It's a pleasure to meet you!
414
00:18:25,732 --> 00:18:28,132
I like her.
415
00:18:31,703 --> 00:18:34,138
Oh, hey, I was thinking,
now that Jake's gone...
416
00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:37,141
Mm? - ...I can turn his room
into my man-cave. You know, a
417
00:18:37,143 --> 00:18:40,478
pinball machine, flat-screen
TV, potter's wheel.
418
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,113
No, that's not going to happen.
419
00:18:42,115 --> 00:18:43,214
Oh, you have
plans for it?
420
00:18:43,216 --> 00:18:44,348
No, I'm just not
421
00:18:44,350 --> 00:18:46,050
letting you get
another potter's wheel.
422
00:18:48,888 --> 00:18:50,288
Judith, I have to say,
423
00:18:50,290 --> 00:18:52,090
I cannot take my eyes off
of that ring.
424
00:18:52,092 --> 00:18:53,958
I know. When I first saw it,
425
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,393
I thought it was as fake
as the orgasms
426
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:56,761
I used to have
when we were married.
427
00:18:57,931 --> 00:18:59,197
That's true.
428
00:18:59,199 --> 00:19:00,398
Very unsatisfactory lover.
429
00:19:01,801 --> 00:19:03,434
But I mean,
430
00:19:03,436 --> 00:19:05,403
what woman could say no to this?
431
00:19:05,405 --> 00:19:06,838
I can think of one.
432
00:19:08,474 --> 00:19:09,974
Can you think of one, Alan?
433
00:19:11,510 --> 00:19:13,511
Uh, what's going on?
434
00:19:13,513 --> 00:19:14,912
Oh, nothing. I'm just glad
435
00:19:14,914 --> 00:19:17,115
that you were there
to pick up the pieces
436
00:19:17,117 --> 00:19:18,716
after Lyndsey turned down
Alan's proposal.
437
00:19:18,718 --> 00:19:21,119
What?! You proposed
to her before me?
438
00:19:21,121 --> 00:19:22,653
Uh, well, technically,
uh, what I...
439
00:19:22,655 --> 00:19:24,255
Oh, you didn't know?
440
00:19:25,858 --> 00:19:28,259
This is awkward.
441
00:19:28,261 --> 00:19:32,597
Open mouth, remove pie,
insert foot.
442
00:19:32,599 --> 00:19:34,565
So, I'm your second choice?!
443
00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:36,601
No, d-doesn't matter
who was second.
444
00:19:36,603 --> 00:19:39,237
Uh, y-you were the
first to say yes!
445
00:19:40,105 --> 00:19:41,572
I will be the first
446
00:19:41,574 --> 00:19:44,275
to say yes
to seconds of this pie.
447
00:19:44,277 --> 00:19:45,343
You are unbelievable!
448
00:19:45,345 --> 00:19:46,444
No, the important thing is
449
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:47,845
that we found
each other again.
450
00:19:47,847 --> 00:19:49,413
And you're willing
to settle for me,
451
00:19:49,415 --> 00:19:51,115
and I'm willing
to settle for you.
452
00:19:51,117 --> 00:19:52,283
Settle for this.
453
00:19:52,285 --> 00:19:54,452
Oh! God!
454
00:19:57,456 --> 00:19:59,790
I'm a good friend.
455
00:19:59,792 --> 00:20:01,759
♪ Men. ♪
456
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,058
Hey. How's it going?
457
00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:12,560
Good. Thanks again
for the potter's wheel.
458
00:20:13,062 --> 00:20:14,528
It's the least I could do.
459
00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:15,863
I cost you a wife.
460
00:20:15,865 --> 00:20:16,930
I'm just glad
461
00:20:16,932 --> 00:20:18,265
you, uh, came to your senses.
462
00:20:18,267 --> 00:20:19,500
Yeah, I was just scared.
463
00:20:19,502 --> 00:20:21,635
Didn't want to spend the rest
of my life alone.
464
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:25,139
Hey, as long as I'm around,
you'll never be alone.
465
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,840
Ah, thanks, buddy.
466
00:20:26,842 --> 00:20:27,908
Oh, shoot. Aah!
467
00:20:27,910 --> 00:20:30,144
Oh, here. Let me help
you out with that.
468
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,312
Oh.
469
00:20:53,435 --> 00:20:56,737
Thank God, it was just a dream.
470
00:20:56,739 --> 00:20:59,339
Are you okay, baby?
Did you have a nightmare?
471
00:21:04,028 --> 00:21:07,264
I got to get him out of here.
472
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:12,266
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
33491
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