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1
00:00:03,289 --> 00:00:05,206
Alan!
2
00:00:05,208 --> 00:00:06,591
I have to meet Larry for dinner.
3
00:00:06,593 --> 00:00:07,592
Are you ready yet?
4
00:00:07,594 --> 00:00:11,162
are you?
5
00:00:17,186 --> 00:00:20,271
Happy anniversary, baby.
6
00:00:20,273 --> 00:00:22,056
What?
7
00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,097
Six months ago today,
8
00:00:30,099 --> 00:00:32,533
we cheated on Larry
for the first time.
9
00:00:32,535 --> 00:00:34,769
So, to commemorate the occasion,
10
00:00:34,771 --> 00:00:37,622
you donned the traditional
balloon underpants?
11
00:00:37,624 --> 00:00:38,873
Exactly.
12
00:00:38,875 --> 00:00:42,443
I have a "heart-on"
for you.
13
00:00:43,278 --> 00:00:44,996
Charming.
14
00:00:44,998 --> 00:00:46,831
Yeah, I was gonna get you
a dozen roses,
15
00:00:46,833 --> 00:00:48,616
but I-I thought
the balloons were cuter.
16
00:00:48,618 --> 00:00:49,717
Cheaper.
17
00:00:49,719 --> 00:00:52,119
Six of one, half off the other.
18
00:00:52,121 --> 00:00:54,722
I'm not sure this is something
we should be celebrating.
19
00:00:54,724 --> 00:00:57,342
Come on, you have loved
every chapter
20
00:00:57,344 --> 00:00:59,293
in our book of forbidden trysts.
21
00:00:59,295 --> 00:01:02,563
That magical night in the
handicapped stall at Chili's.
22
00:01:03,766 --> 00:01:06,467
The time we put a scare into
that field trip of sixth graders
23
00:01:06,469 --> 00:01:08,636
at the planetarium
when they saw Uranus.
24
00:01:13,359 --> 00:01:16,828
That weekend that
Larry went back east
25
00:01:16,830 --> 00:01:18,746
and we went "down south."
26
00:01:18,748 --> 00:01:21,749
Alan... I don't have
time for this.
27
00:01:21,751 --> 00:01:23,901
Well, then open your present.
28
00:01:23,903 --> 00:01:26,421
Spoiler alert: it's my penis
and two of his friends.
29
00:01:27,539 --> 00:01:30,041
And you can't return it
if it's the wrong size.
30
00:01:30,043 --> 00:01:32,827
As fun as all this is,
I only have about ten minutes
31
00:01:32,829 --> 00:01:35,630
before I have to go meet Larry,
so we got to make this quick.
32
00:01:35,632 --> 00:01:37,432
Ooh, my specialty.
33
00:01:37,434 --> 00:01:40,601
First, I'm getting
rid of these balloons.
34
00:01:42,354 --> 00:01:44,171
Oh. Oh.
35
00:01:44,173 --> 00:01:46,941
I-I should've had you
blow them up.
36
00:01:46,943 --> 00:01:49,510
I know what you like, baby.
37
00:01:49,512 --> 00:01:52,130
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
38
00:01:52,132 --> 00:01:55,249
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
39
00:01:55,368 --> 00:01:59,368
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x14 ♪
Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
Original Air Date on February 6, 2014
40
00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:04,369
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
41
00:02:04,395 --> 00:02:05,646
Hey, bitches.
42
00:02:05,648 --> 00:02:08,131
Hey.
Hey.
43
00:02:08,133 --> 00:02:09,533
What are you guys up to tonight?
44
00:02:09,535 --> 00:02:11,001
Oh, dinner and game night.
45
00:02:11,003 --> 00:02:12,819
My ex-wife and I
used to do that.
46
00:02:12,821 --> 00:02:16,006
Our favorite game was Life,
until she ruined mine.
47
00:02:16,008 --> 00:02:18,392
Yeah, we're more fans of
Monopoly, Backgammon...
48
00:02:18,394 --> 00:02:20,561
Hungry Hungry Lesbos.
49
00:02:20,563 --> 00:02:23,947
It's like Hungry Hungry Hippos,
but we don't eat balls.
50
00:02:25,717 --> 00:02:28,085
How do you know
when you've won that game?
51
00:02:28,087 --> 00:02:29,953
Trust me, you know.
52
00:02:29,955 --> 00:02:31,738
Hey, something smells good.
53
00:02:31,740 --> 00:02:33,507
Yeah, we play that, too.
54
00:02:35,126 --> 00:02:36,793
Hey, you guys want to
join us for dinner?
55
00:02:36,795 --> 00:02:38,512
Oh, no, I can't.
I'm going to the movies.
56
00:02:38,514 --> 00:02:40,247
Oh, Alan, you
want to join?
57
00:02:40,249 --> 00:02:42,349
Is it a porn movie?
58
00:02:43,735 --> 00:02:48,188
Why would I invite a guy
to watch a porn in a theater?
59
00:02:48,190 --> 00:02:50,640
So nobody weird
sits next to you.
60
00:02:50,642 --> 00:02:54,411
Well, going with you
wouldn't solve that problem.
61
00:02:55,246 --> 00:02:57,314
Fine. Go watch
your porn by yourself.
62
00:02:57,316 --> 00:02:59,266
I'm not watching a porn!
63
00:02:59,268 --> 00:03:01,818
Uh-huh. And I don't
use your bathroom to poop.
64
00:03:02,954 --> 00:03:04,538
Look, I can't go anyway,
'cause I'm having a drink
65
00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:05,505
with my girlfriend's boyfriend.
66
00:03:05,507 --> 00:03:08,175
Why don't you poop
in his toilet?
67
00:03:08,177 --> 00:03:10,794
You're already
banging his girlfriend.
68
00:03:12,163 --> 00:03:14,664
You got a flat tire.
I got a what?
69
00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:17,100
I noticed it when I was
getting out of your car.
70
00:03:17,102 --> 00:03:19,353
Why were you in my car?
71
00:03:19,355 --> 00:03:20,621
Taking a nap.
72
00:03:20,623 --> 00:03:23,407
Why were you
taking a nap in my car?
73
00:03:23,409 --> 00:03:26,627
I was getting high,
and I just went to sleep.
74
00:03:26,629 --> 00:03:29,646
Why were you
getting high in my car?!
75
00:03:29,648 --> 00:03:32,316
Because you hide
your pot in the car!
76
00:03:33,251 --> 00:03:36,570
Geez! Which one of us
is high, you or me?
77
00:03:41,376 --> 00:03:43,427
Great.
78
00:03:43,429 --> 00:03:45,162
Either of you guys
got Triple-A?
79
00:03:45,164 --> 00:03:48,965
You don't need Triple-A
when you got double D's.
80
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,967
Why don't you just
change it yourself?
81
00:03:50,969 --> 00:03:53,720
Eh, sounds like
a lot of work.
82
00:03:53,722 --> 00:03:55,505
I'll just buy a new car.
83
00:03:55,507 --> 00:03:58,291
Or you could use
the spare tire and jack.
84
00:03:58,293 --> 00:03:59,810
Oh, there's nothing in there.
85
00:04:01,512 --> 00:04:04,765
Whoa... there's a trunk
under the trunk!
86
00:04:04,767 --> 00:04:07,384
Somebody's never smuggled
anything out of Mexico.
87
00:04:07,386 --> 00:04:10,187
Here, uh, you grab the spare,
I'll loosen the lug nuts.
88
00:04:10,189 --> 00:04:12,155
Wow, you really know
what you're doing.
89
00:04:12,157 --> 00:04:13,390
Yeah.
90
00:04:13,392 --> 00:04:15,826
Well, I had a boyfriend
who was a mechanic.
91
00:04:15,828 --> 00:04:18,095
A boyfriend?
92
00:04:18,097 --> 00:04:20,664
Yeah. Well, I went through
a phase where I dated guys.
93
00:04:20,666 --> 00:04:22,616
Huh, I thought
you were a gold star.
94
00:04:22,618 --> 00:04:24,251
What's a "gold star"?
95
00:04:24,253 --> 00:04:27,204
It's a lesbian term for someone
who's never been with a guy.
96
00:04:27,206 --> 00:04:29,673
Hey, I'm a gold star.
97
00:04:30,742 --> 00:04:32,742
Wait a second,
what about that story
98
00:04:32,744 --> 00:04:35,412
about you skinny-dipping
at Boy Scout camp?
99
00:04:35,414 --> 00:04:36,763
Well, I was drowning.
100
00:04:36,765 --> 00:04:38,849
I had to grab ahold
of something.
101
00:04:38,851 --> 00:04:40,384
Just happened to be Roger.
102
00:04:40,386 --> 00:04:43,854
So, if you had met Walden
instead of me...
103
00:04:43,856 --> 00:04:45,889
Oh, God, no.
104
00:04:45,891 --> 00:04:47,274
Wow, great.
105
00:04:47,276 --> 00:04:49,609
I'm getting hypothetical
rejections now.
106
00:04:49,611 --> 00:04:51,278
I'm sorry,
you're just not my type.
107
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,064
I was more into,
you know, "guy" guys.
108
00:04:54,066 --> 00:04:56,316
I'm a "guy" guy.
109
00:04:56,318 --> 00:04:57,617
Oh, please.
110
00:04:57,619 --> 00:05:00,353
You made me come in your room
to kill a spider.
111
00:05:00,355 --> 00:05:01,855
I'm allergic!
112
00:05:01,857 --> 00:05:03,657
Look, it's not a big deal.
113
00:05:03,659 --> 00:05:05,375
Some guys fix things
and some guys
114
00:05:05,377 --> 00:05:07,744
call the guys that fix things.
115
00:05:07,746 --> 00:05:09,796
You know, right after
they watch Project Runway.
116
00:05:09,798 --> 00:05:12,549
Oh, I didn't see it last night.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.
117
00:05:12,551 --> 00:05:14,117
I rest my case.
118
00:05:14,119 --> 00:05:15,419
You know what, I'll show you.
119
00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:16,503
Here, give me that.
120
00:05:16,505 --> 00:05:18,338
Okay.
121
00:05:18,340 --> 00:05:20,974
Tell me I'm not a guy's guy.
122
00:05:20,976 --> 00:05:23,293
I got "guy"
coming out of my ass.
123
00:05:24,512 --> 00:05:26,980
Don't...
You know what I meant.
124
00:05:28,233 --> 00:05:30,434
God, these nuts
are hard to get off.
125
00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:34,571
Oh, okay, I'll give you
that one.
126
00:05:37,692 --> 00:05:38,742
Hey, Jeff.
127
00:05:38,744 --> 00:05:39,926
Hey, there he is.
128
00:05:39,928 --> 00:05:42,496
The B-F-F of J-E-F-F.
129
00:05:42,498 --> 00:05:43,697
That's pretty good.
130
00:05:43,699 --> 00:05:45,248
Did you just
come up with that?
131
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:46,917
What do you think,
I just sat here
132
00:05:46,919 --> 00:05:49,085
jotting down rhymes
before you showed up?
133
00:05:50,922 --> 00:05:52,172
I'll have a whiskey.
134
00:05:52,174 --> 00:05:54,591
Oh, oh, we're doing
the hard stuff. Okay.
135
00:05:54,593 --> 00:05:57,194
I'll have three fingers
of crème de menthe.
136
00:05:57,196 --> 00:05:59,980
Yeah, I've just been
kind of in a funk lately.
137
00:05:59,982 --> 00:06:00,897
What's going on?
138
00:06:00,899 --> 00:06:01,948
It's Lyndsey.
139
00:06:01,950 --> 00:06:03,850
Mm, Lyndsey. Lyndsey.
140
00:06:03,852 --> 00:06:05,051
I'm sorry, uh,
141
00:06:05,053 --> 00:06:06,836
Lyndsey is...?
My girlfriend.
142
00:06:06,838 --> 00:06:09,723
Oh, yes, yes. You know,
I-I can never remember her name,
143
00:06:09,725 --> 00:06:12,509
because, you know,
I never really knew her.
144
00:06:12,511 --> 00:06:14,528
Doesn't matter.
Anyway, she dumped me.
145
00:06:14,530 --> 00:06:15,512
She dumped you?!
146
00:06:15,514 --> 00:06:17,614
Oh, my God!
147
00:06:17,616 --> 00:06:19,149
Oh, my God.
148
00:06:19,151 --> 00:06:22,185
I was so shocked,
my first reaction was wrong.
149
00:06:22,187 --> 00:06:25,188
Yeah, well, it's been
a really rough two weeks.
150
00:06:25,190 --> 00:06:26,239
Wait, two weeks?
151
00:06:26,241 --> 00:06:27,541
You-you guys have been
broken up for two weeks
152
00:06:27,543 --> 00:06:28,875
and this is the first
I'm hearing about it?
153
00:06:28,877 --> 00:06:30,927
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
I should have told you sooner.
154
00:06:30,929 --> 00:06:34,581
Well, someone
certainly should have.
155
00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:36,032
Anyway, there is
one bright side:
156
00:06:36,034 --> 00:06:37,717
at least now, you and I
are free to hang
157
00:06:37,719 --> 00:06:39,736
whenever we want.
We couldn't before?
158
00:06:39,738 --> 00:06:42,973
Well, I-I didn't really
want to tell you this, but...
159
00:06:42,975 --> 00:06:44,691
Lyndsey didn't
like you very much.
160
00:06:44,693 --> 00:06:46,927
She said that?
161
00:06:46,929 --> 00:06:49,212
Yeah, she'd go on and on about
your hair and your clothes.
162
00:06:49,214 --> 00:06:51,264
She even said you had
the worst taste in jewelry.
163
00:06:51,266 --> 00:06:52,599
I don't know where she got that.
164
00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:54,901
I mean, it's not like
you ever bought her jewelry.
165
00:06:54,903 --> 00:06:56,853
That's true.
166
00:06:56,855 --> 00:06:58,572
Although, if I had,
she wouldn't have noticed
167
00:06:58,574 --> 00:07:01,575
unless I put it in
the bottom of her wine glass.
168
00:07:01,577 --> 00:07:02,526
Women.
169
00:07:02,528 --> 00:07:04,277
I know how to
kill this pain.
170
00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:05,412
Bring me the bottle.
171
00:07:05,414 --> 00:07:06,630
Yeah, better make it two.
172
00:07:06,632 --> 00:07:08,565
Ooh, and a little
whipped cream.
173
00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:15,038
Oh, hey, Berta,
can I ask you a question?
174
00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:16,072
Yeah.
175
00:07:16,074 --> 00:07:17,858
I'm a man's man, right?
176
00:07:17,860 --> 00:07:20,427
I thought that
when I first met you,
177
00:07:20,429 --> 00:07:23,630
but then I found out
you were married to a woman.
178
00:07:23,632 --> 00:07:26,466
No... no, I mean, like...
179
00:07:26,468 --> 00:07:28,535
like, I'm a guy who can...
180
00:07:28,537 --> 00:07:31,104
build things and...
181
00:07:31,106 --> 00:07:34,691
a guy who can get horses
out of mud and...
182
00:07:36,193 --> 00:07:39,930
...who, if-if he gets stabbed,
he just rubs dirt in it.
183
00:07:39,932 --> 00:07:42,315
You're talking about
a guy's guy?
184
00:07:42,317 --> 00:07:45,201
One of those dudes, like,
in the boner pill commercials?
185
00:07:45,203 --> 00:07:46,253
Yeah, exactly.
186
00:07:46,255 --> 00:07:48,889
Yeah.
You're not one of those.
187
00:07:48,891 --> 00:07:50,123
What?
188
00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:52,242
Well, you're more like
one of those guys
189
00:07:52,244 --> 00:07:53,677
that gets a mani-pedi.
190
00:07:53,679 --> 00:07:55,161
Yeah, well, first of all,
191
00:07:55,163 --> 00:07:57,681
there is nothing wrong
with taking care of yourself.
192
00:07:57,683 --> 00:07:58,999
And second of all,
193
00:07:59,001 --> 00:08:02,802
manicure has the word "man,"
like, right there in it.
194
00:08:02,804 --> 00:08:04,971
Well, now, you calm down
manly man,
195
00:08:04,973 --> 00:08:07,040
or you're gonna spill
your chamomile tea.
196
00:08:07,042 --> 00:08:10,393
At least I'm the manliest man
in this house, right?
197
00:08:10,395 --> 00:08:11,578
Um...
198
00:08:12,430 --> 00:08:13,597
What?
199
00:08:13,599 --> 00:08:15,131
Really? I'm under Alan?
200
00:08:15,133 --> 00:08:18,435
Well, do you want
to be on top of him?
201
00:08:19,303 --> 00:08:20,803
What did Jenny tell you?
202
00:08:20,805 --> 00:08:22,956
I was drowning!
203
00:08:29,297 --> 00:08:30,981
'Sup, ladies?
204
00:08:33,284 --> 00:08:36,586
Hey, look who it is:
Bob the Builder.
205
00:08:38,372 --> 00:08:40,640
Oh, yeah,
it's pretty manly, huh?
206
00:08:40,642 --> 00:08:42,342
The only thing
manlier would be
207
00:08:42,344 --> 00:08:45,261
if you were dressed
as the cop or the cowboy.
208
00:08:46,230 --> 00:08:49,299
♪ Why... are you gay?
209
00:08:50,818 --> 00:08:53,002
Is this about
the flat tire?
210
00:08:53,004 --> 00:08:54,587
'Cause you have
nothing to prove.
211
00:08:54,589 --> 00:08:56,189
Oh, I ain't provin' nothin'.
212
00:08:56,191 --> 00:08:57,390
Just being a guy.
213
00:08:57,392 --> 00:08:59,442
Doin' what guys do,
fixin' things.
214
00:08:59,444 --> 00:09:00,660
And do not expect me
215
00:09:00,662 --> 00:09:02,445
to get in touch with my emotions
216
00:09:02,447 --> 00:09:05,348
or ask for directions
anytime soon.
217
00:09:06,635 --> 00:09:09,018
Is that chewing tobacco?
218
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:10,687
Yes, it is.
219
00:09:11,522 --> 00:09:13,456
And it tastes terrible.
220
00:09:14,759 --> 00:09:17,594
And I'm feeling dizzy.
221
00:09:17,596 --> 00:09:19,813
Wow, very impressive.
222
00:09:20,832 --> 00:09:23,833
You ain't seen nothing yet.
223
00:09:23,835 --> 00:09:25,335
That there's a laser.
224
00:09:25,337 --> 00:09:27,637
Badass.
225
00:09:29,423 --> 00:09:32,509
Gee, oh, this here table
is two degrees from being level.
226
00:09:33,344 --> 00:09:34,978
I got this!
227
00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:41,518
There we go,
job well done.
228
00:09:47,525 --> 00:09:49,892
I'm gonna need my band saw.
229
00:09:49,894 --> 00:09:51,277
You two clean this up.
230
00:09:51,279 --> 00:09:53,062
Ladies' work.
231
00:09:53,064 --> 00:09:55,331
♪ Men. ♪
232
00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:58,535
All right, I'm lubricated.
233
00:09:58,537 --> 00:10:00,837
Let's do this thing.
234
00:10:00,839 --> 00:10:03,957
So, uh, how was your dinner
with Larry the other night?
235
00:10:03,959 --> 00:10:04,924
Fine.
236
00:10:04,926 --> 00:10:05,959
Where did you go?
237
00:10:05,961 --> 00:10:06,909
La Dolce.
238
00:10:06,911 --> 00:10:08,461
What did you guys have?
Salmon.
239
00:10:08,463 --> 00:10:10,013
Did Larry like it?
240
00:10:10,015 --> 00:10:13,266
Okay, talking about
my boyfriend eating fish
241
00:10:13,268 --> 00:10:15,351
is the world's worst foreplay.
242
00:10:16,103 --> 00:10:18,655
Is he still eating
fish, Lyndsey?
243
00:10:20,708 --> 00:10:23,576
Is he?
244
00:10:23,578 --> 00:10:26,362
All right,
what's going on?
245
00:10:26,364 --> 00:10:27,397
I'll tell you
what's going on.
246
00:10:27,399 --> 00:10:28,898
Larry told me
you broke up with him.
247
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:30,533
Mm-hmm.
For the love of God,
248
00:10:30,535 --> 00:10:31,901
you're still seeing Larry?!
249
00:10:31,903 --> 00:10:33,987
As Jeff Strongman?
250
00:10:33,989 --> 00:10:36,089
At least one of us
is faithful to him.
251
00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:39,059
Why didn't you tell me?
252
00:10:39,061 --> 00:10:41,494
I didn't tell you because
I knew you'd just ask
253
00:10:41,496 --> 00:10:42,879
when you and I are
getting back together.
254
00:10:42,881 --> 00:10:44,931
That's not true.
255
00:10:44,933 --> 00:10:46,399
When are we getting
back together?
256
00:10:46,401 --> 00:10:47,901
Alan.
257
00:10:47,903 --> 00:10:49,452
Oh, this is what
I've been waiting for
258
00:10:49,454 --> 00:10:50,837
for the last six months.
259
00:10:50,839 --> 00:10:53,757
We-we can finally be
together, honestly, openly.
260
00:10:53,759 --> 00:10:55,225
I-I can prove to you
261
00:10:55,227 --> 00:10:56,893
I'm the man that
you're supposed to be with.
262
00:10:56,895 --> 00:10:58,278
I love you, Lyndsey.
263
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,680
Great. So you want
to get married?
264
00:11:00,682 --> 00:11:03,483
Whoa, whoa, marriage?
We just got back together.
265
00:11:03,485 --> 00:11:05,151
You're just like Larry.
266
00:11:05,153 --> 00:11:07,403
Neither one of you
are willing to commit.
267
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:09,906
I'm just saying that maybe, you
know, we should date a while.
268
00:11:09,908 --> 00:11:12,809
I mean, let's be honest,
you are a bit of an adulterer.
269
00:11:14,111 --> 00:11:16,312
This is why I've been
avoiding this conversation.
270
00:11:16,314 --> 00:11:17,730
You don't want to get married,
271
00:11:17,732 --> 00:11:20,667
and I don't want to be with you
unless we do, so...
272
00:11:20,669 --> 00:11:23,570
if that's the case, I don't know
what else to say, Alan.
273
00:11:23,572 --> 00:11:25,572
Except...
274
00:11:25,574 --> 00:11:27,607
good-bye.
275
00:11:27,609 --> 00:11:29,659
Wow.
276
00:11:29,661 --> 00:11:31,277
Okay.
277
00:11:33,013 --> 00:11:35,965
Okay. I mean...
278
00:11:37,168 --> 00:11:39,819
Just so you know,
when I walk out this door,
279
00:11:39,821 --> 00:11:41,554
I am never coming back.
280
00:11:42,857 --> 00:11:44,891
This is the last you will see...
281
00:11:44,893 --> 00:11:47,060
of Alan Harper.
282
00:12:12,303 --> 00:12:14,120
Breakup sex?
283
00:12:20,594 --> 00:12:22,145
Oh!
284
00:12:22,147 --> 00:12:24,430
♪ Men. ♪
285
00:12:36,559 --> 00:12:38,327
Hello.
286
00:12:38,329 --> 00:12:40,562
Oh. Sorry about that.
Am I in your way?
287
00:12:40,564 --> 00:12:43,181
The only thing in my way
are those pants.
288
00:12:43,183 --> 00:12:45,417
Oh, gee, sorry about that.
289
00:12:45,419 --> 00:12:48,971
About the only crack around here
I ain't put caulk in.
290
00:12:52,175 --> 00:12:53,408
All right.
291
00:12:53,410 --> 00:12:54,776
Whoa! Look at that.
292
00:12:54,778 --> 00:12:56,378
Good as new.
293
00:12:56,380 --> 00:12:58,647
Hey, if there's anything around
here that needs fixin',
294
00:12:58,649 --> 00:13:00,215
I'll be the one fixin' it.
295
00:13:00,217 --> 00:13:03,151
So if you see something that's
broke and bothering you,
296
00:13:03,153 --> 00:13:04,820
you just let me know.
297
00:13:04,822 --> 00:13:06,605
Hey.
298
00:13:06,607 --> 00:13:10,525
I see something that's
broke and bothering me.
299
00:13:10,527 --> 00:13:13,462
I'm not in the mood, Berta.
I just got dumped.
300
00:13:13,464 --> 00:13:14,896
Oh. What happened?
301
00:13:14,898 --> 00:13:16,648
Well, you know,
I confronted Lyndsey
302
00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:19,501
about breaking up with Larry,
and it blew up in my face.
303
00:13:19,503 --> 00:13:22,738
Alan, Alan, Alan.
304
00:13:22,740 --> 00:13:26,625
You know, relationships
are a lot like woodworking.
305
00:13:27,877 --> 00:13:29,911
There's a certain way
that things fit together,
306
00:13:29,913 --> 00:13:33,248
and if you force it,
it splinters and falls apart.
307
00:13:33,250 --> 00:13:36,084
But if you take your time,
follow instructions,
308
00:13:36,086 --> 00:13:38,587
you build something
beautiful and solid,
309
00:13:38,589 --> 00:13:40,856
something you can be proud of.
310
00:13:40,858 --> 00:13:44,059
Like this here elegant
cedar birdhouse.
311
00:13:45,461 --> 00:13:47,546
What does this have to do
with me and Lyndsey?
312
00:13:47,548 --> 00:13:48,530
Nothing.
313
00:13:48,532 --> 00:13:50,982
But how cool is it
I built this?
314
00:13:50,984 --> 00:13:53,819
It's even got a guest room
for the Alan birds.
315
00:13:53,821 --> 00:13:56,204
If you listen real close,
you can hear them.
316
00:13:56,206 --> 00:13:59,024
Cheap, cheap.
317
00:14:08,085 --> 00:14:09,534
Isn't this great?
318
00:14:09,536 --> 00:14:12,737
What's cooler than going
to a strip club in the daytime?
319
00:14:12,739 --> 00:14:15,707
The girls aren't always hot,
but the mozzarella sticks are.
320
00:14:16,909 --> 00:14:19,244
Uh... yeah.
321
00:14:19,246 --> 00:14:20,796
You sound like me
two weeks ago.
322
00:14:20,798 --> 00:14:23,465
I made that noise every time
I heard the name "Lyndsey."
323
00:14:25,385 --> 00:14:26,818
Yeah, that's it.
324
00:14:26,820 --> 00:14:28,203
What's going on?
325
00:14:28,205 --> 00:14:30,088
To be honest, I, uh...
326
00:14:30,090 --> 00:14:32,423
had a bit of a
breakup myself.
327
00:14:32,425 --> 00:14:33,642
Oh, geez.
Mm.
328
00:14:33,644 --> 00:14:35,894
And here I am whining
about my problems.
329
00:14:35,896 --> 00:14:37,362
Eh.
I'm sorry, Jeff.
330
00:14:37,364 --> 00:14:39,064
If I have a flaw,
it's that sometimes
331
00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:41,533
I'm not aware of things
that are going on around me.
332
00:14:41,535 --> 00:14:45,587
It's actually one of the
things I like most about you.
333
00:14:45,589 --> 00:14:47,405
So, what happened
between you and your girl?
334
00:14:47,407 --> 00:14:49,291
Well, she wanted
to get married,
335
00:14:49,293 --> 00:14:51,276
and I'm just not
sure I'm ready.
336
00:14:51,278 --> 00:14:53,662
No way! That's the same
reason I lost Lyndsey.
337
00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:55,881
It's like we were
dating the same woman.
338
00:14:55,883 --> 00:14:58,583
It's exactly like that.
339
00:14:58,585 --> 00:15:00,785
So, do you miss her?
Are you kidding?
340
00:15:00,787 --> 00:15:02,287
I mean, she's the
only one for me.
341
00:15:02,289 --> 00:15:05,056
I mean, she's the one who
brings me up when I'm down...
342
00:15:05,058 --> 00:15:08,393
Whoa. Hello, future
Mrs. Strongman.
343
00:15:08,395 --> 00:15:10,462
So, what are you
afraid of?
344
00:15:10,464 --> 00:15:12,731
I don't know.
It's just such a big commitment.
345
00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:14,566
Bottom line:
do you still love her?
346
00:15:14,568 --> 00:15:16,835
Yes, I do.
347
00:15:16,837 --> 00:15:18,136
Then you got to
get her back.
348
00:15:18,138 --> 00:15:19,421
Don't make
the same mistake I did.
349
00:15:19,423 --> 00:15:20,472
Yeah, maybe you're right.
350
00:15:20,474 --> 00:15:22,023
I know I'm right.
Chances like this
351
00:15:22,025 --> 00:15:23,792
only come along
once in a lifetime.
352
00:15:23,794 --> 00:15:25,494
I'm gonna do it, Larry.
353
00:15:25,496 --> 00:15:27,913
I am gonna ask her to marry me.
354
00:15:27,915 --> 00:15:29,331
That-a-boy! And when
things work out,
355
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:31,917
I'm gonna be the best man
at you and your girl's wedding.
356
00:15:31,919 --> 00:15:35,670
Well... we'll cross that
bridge when we come to it.
357
00:15:36,455 --> 00:15:37,956
Want a private
dance?
358
00:15:37,958 --> 00:15:41,009
Oh, sorry, I can't.
I have a date with destiny.
359
00:15:41,011 --> 00:15:43,211
Destiny's off today.
360
00:15:43,213 --> 00:15:45,714
Oh, no, I-I meant, uh, uh...
Never mind.
361
00:15:45,716 --> 00:15:48,216
Why don't you take my friend.
It's on me.
362
00:15:48,218 --> 00:15:49,834
Oh, I only have a 20.
363
00:15:49,836 --> 00:15:51,553
Uh, you know what?
364
00:15:51,555 --> 00:15:53,939
I think seven's fair.
365
00:16:01,631 --> 00:16:03,148
Walden?
366
00:16:03,150 --> 00:16:04,816
Oh, hey!
367
00:16:04,818 --> 00:16:06,401
Sorry, ladies!
368
00:16:06,403 --> 00:16:08,570
Man at work!
369
00:16:08,572 --> 00:16:10,055
Wh-What are you doing?
370
00:16:10,057 --> 00:16:14,326
Well, it's a little technical
for the layperson.
371
00:16:14,328 --> 00:16:16,861
What the hell, let me
walk you through it.
372
00:16:16,863 --> 00:16:19,898
What I'm doing is
sanding and re-staining,
373
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:22,667
when I recognized some
dry rot and termite damage.
374
00:16:22,669 --> 00:16:24,869
And I thought to myself,
what the hell,
375
00:16:24,871 --> 00:16:26,537
I got a couple hours--
376
00:16:26,539 --> 00:16:29,975
why don't I just rebuild
this bad boy from scratch.
377
00:16:33,046 --> 00:16:35,297
The bubbles tickle my nose.
378
00:16:35,299 --> 00:16:37,515
Okay, you know what? You got
to stop building things.
379
00:16:37,517 --> 00:16:39,100
I was wrong--
you are so manly
380
00:16:39,102 --> 00:16:41,670
that if I were straight, I'd
totally bang your brains out.
381
00:16:41,672 --> 00:16:43,154
Well, of course you would,
sweetheart.
382
00:16:43,156 --> 00:16:44,856
But I'd probably
sleep with you once
383
00:16:44,858 --> 00:16:46,274
and then never call you again.
384
00:16:46,276 --> 00:16:47,492
Hold still, please.
385
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,895
Yep, they're level.
386
00:16:52,665 --> 00:16:54,716
Ow!
387
00:16:54,718 --> 00:16:56,918
Aah! Aah!
388
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,486
Mmm.
389
00:16:58,488 --> 00:17:01,923
I'm just gonna rub some dirt
in it and keep going.
390
00:17:01,925 --> 00:17:03,858
Walden! Hey...
391
00:17:03,860 --> 00:17:05,176
What are you doing?
392
00:17:05,178 --> 00:17:06,945
Oh, this? Well,
393
00:17:06,947 --> 00:17:09,381
it's pretty technical
for the layperson.
394
00:17:09,383 --> 00:17:10,849
What the hell, let me just...
395
00:17:10,851 --> 00:17:12,517
No, doesn't matter,
doesn't matter.
396
00:17:12,519 --> 00:17:14,386
Uh, I-I got big news.
397
00:17:14,388 --> 00:17:17,555
I am gonna ask Lyndsey
to marry me.
398
00:17:17,557 --> 00:17:18,974
Are you serious?
399
00:17:18,976 --> 00:17:20,758
Yeah, I just have to get a ring.
400
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,427
I got a ring you could have.
401
00:17:22,429 --> 00:17:24,012
The one I proposed to Zoey with.
402
00:17:24,014 --> 00:17:25,780
I don't know,
that ring didn't work.
403
00:17:25,782 --> 00:17:27,198
Neither do you.
404
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:28,750
Touché.
405
00:17:28,752 --> 00:17:32,070
Well, I can't believe my
best friend's getting married.
406
00:17:32,072 --> 00:17:34,189
All right, come on,
bring it in.
407
00:17:34,191 --> 00:17:35,407
Man hug.
408
00:17:35,409 --> 00:17:36,941
Oh. Oh. You smell.
409
00:17:36,943 --> 00:17:38,793
Oh, yeah.
It's awesome, isn't it?
410
00:17:38,795 --> 00:17:40,412
I haven't showered in two days.
411
00:17:40,414 --> 00:17:43,248
That's what guys do--
we stank.
412
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,217
You smell good...
413
00:17:46,219 --> 00:17:47,552
bitch.
414
00:17:54,927 --> 00:17:56,928
Ladies love flowers.
415
00:17:56,930 --> 00:17:58,546
Um...
416
00:18:08,858 --> 00:18:11,109
Oh, hey, Jeff!
417
00:18:11,111 --> 00:18:12,810
Why are you calling me Jeff?
418
00:18:12,812 --> 00:18:14,746
You must be here to see
your friend Larry,
419
00:18:14,748 --> 00:18:16,698
who is also here.
420
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:19,117
Jeff? What are you
doing here?
421
00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:20,418
Larry!
422
00:18:20,420 --> 00:18:23,254
I-I just, uh, I
came by to-to...
423
00:18:23,256 --> 00:18:25,490
yell at this one
over here
424
00:18:25,492 --> 00:18:27,592
for breaking up with
my friend Larry.
425
00:18:27,594 --> 00:18:30,378
Can you think of a better
reason for me to drop by?
426
00:18:30,380 --> 00:18:32,997
'Cause I certainly can't.
427
00:18:32,999 --> 00:18:35,050
Well, now that you're here, why
don't you have a drink with us.
428
00:18:35,052 --> 00:18:37,969
Oh, I-I'm sure Jeff has
better places to be.
429
00:18:37,971 --> 00:18:39,971
Work, nope.
Girlfriend, nope.
430
00:18:39,973 --> 00:18:41,856
Taste in jewelry, nope.
431
00:18:41,858 --> 00:18:43,641
Here you go.
432
00:18:43,643 --> 00:18:45,293
Bottoms up, Lyndsey.
433
00:18:45,295 --> 00:18:48,229
Not the first time
I've said that to her.
434
00:18:49,516 --> 00:18:51,149
What's this?
435
00:18:51,151 --> 00:18:52,683
A ring?
436
00:18:53,486 --> 00:18:55,186
What's going on?
437
00:18:55,854 --> 00:18:59,491
Yeah, what
is going on?
438
00:18:59,493 --> 00:19:02,327
Jeff helped me realize
I don't want to lose you.
439
00:19:02,329 --> 00:19:03,712
These last two weeks
440
00:19:03,714 --> 00:19:05,663
have been the worst
in my life.
441
00:19:05,665 --> 00:19:07,048
I don't want to spend
442
00:19:07,050 --> 00:19:08,500
another minute without you.
443
00:19:08,502 --> 00:19:09,718
Okay, I think
she's heard enough.
444
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,302
Let's go get some
wings. Come on.
445
00:19:11,304 --> 00:19:12,537
Ooh, wings.
446
00:19:12,539 --> 00:19:14,672
Just let me
wrap this up real quick.
447
00:19:16,675 --> 00:19:19,877
Lyndsey MacElroy,
you're my soul mate.
448
00:19:19,879 --> 00:19:21,996
Will you marry me?
449
00:19:21,998 --> 00:19:23,481
I can't believe
this is happening.
450
00:19:23,483 --> 00:19:25,767
Yes, yes, I will marry you!
451
00:19:28,487 --> 00:19:31,473
So, Jeff, how'd it go
with your girl?
452
00:19:31,475 --> 00:19:32,824
Uh...
453
00:19:32,826 --> 00:19:34,492
I was too late.
454
00:19:34,494 --> 00:19:36,528
She's marrying someone else.
455
00:19:36,530 --> 00:19:39,164
That was quick.
Wasn't it?
456
00:19:39,166 --> 00:19:41,232
I'm sorry.
457
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:43,568
You know what?
Forget her.
458
00:19:43,570 --> 00:19:47,505
If she chose some jackass over
you, she's just a dumb whore.
459
00:19:48,958 --> 00:19:51,092
Uh, she's-she's
actually really great.
460
00:19:51,094 --> 00:19:52,210
No, she's not.
461
00:19:52,212 --> 00:19:55,447
She and her new man
are both garbage.
462
00:19:55,449 --> 00:19:56,965
Uh...
463
00:19:56,967 --> 00:19:58,916
♪ Men. ♪
464
00:20:08,871 --> 00:20:10,839
Whoa, look at this.
465
00:20:10,841 --> 00:20:12,838
That's right.
466
00:20:12,839 --> 00:20:13,482
Hey, uh,
467
00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:15,216
who has one and a half thumbs
468
00:20:15,218 --> 00:20:17,585
and built this deck
all by himself?
469
00:20:17,587 --> 00:20:19,704
This guy.
470
00:20:19,706 --> 00:20:21,172
Well, I'm impressed.
471
00:20:21,174 --> 00:20:23,124
I would've had
to call a guy.
472
00:20:23,126 --> 00:20:24,959
Well, then my phone
would've rang,
473
00:20:24,961 --> 00:20:27,045
because I am the guy.
474
00:20:27,047 --> 00:20:29,247
Got to admit, I was
wrong about you.
475
00:20:29,249 --> 00:20:32,767
That's all right.
We all make mistakes.
476
00:20:32,769 --> 00:20:35,103
Oh! That's my spit cup.
477
00:20:36,288 --> 00:20:39,641
This thing feels sturdy enough
for us to have sex on later.
478
00:20:39,643 --> 00:20:40,809
Oh, it is.
479
00:20:40,811 --> 00:20:42,143
But, uh, be careful,
480
00:20:42,145 --> 00:20:43,945
'cause I just
stained her.
481
00:20:43,947 --> 00:20:47,148
Well, if you hadn't,
we would have.
482
00:20:50,018 --> 00:20:52,237
Ah. Look at that.
483
00:20:52,239 --> 00:20:55,723
Looks like somebody
needs a new roof.
484
00:20:55,725 --> 00:20:58,159
Luckily, I know a guy.
485
00:21:08,551 --> 00:21:10,518
Whoa. Walden?
486
00:21:11,464 --> 00:21:12,964
Call a guy!
487
00:21:12,966 --> 00:21:17,966
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
34582
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