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1
00:00:04,601 --> 00:00:06,451
Thank you.
2
00:00:06,453 --> 00:00:08,269
Wow. She's cute.
3
00:00:08,271 --> 00:00:09,537
She sure is.
4
00:00:09,539 --> 00:00:11,323
She sucks
in bed.
5
00:00:11,325 --> 00:00:13,541
And not in a good way.
6
00:00:14,377 --> 00:00:15,327
Her, too?
7
00:00:15,329 --> 00:00:16,444
I-I didn't even know
she was gay.
8
00:00:16,446 --> 00:00:19,280
Neither did she,
till last Thursday.
9
00:00:19,282 --> 00:00:22,250
You're like some
kind of lesbian zombie
10
00:00:22,252 --> 00:00:24,419
infecting all
the women of Malibu.
11
00:00:24,421 --> 00:00:25,420
Ha!
12
00:00:25,422 --> 00:00:26,588
I like that.
13
00:00:26,590 --> 00:00:28,840
Must have vagina.
14
00:00:29,759 --> 00:00:32,627
Must have vagina.
15
00:00:32,629 --> 00:00:35,063
Sounds like some kind of
weird help wanted ad
16
00:00:35,065 --> 00:00:36,097
Alan would place.
17
00:00:38,267 --> 00:00:39,967
So when did you realize
that you were gay?
18
00:00:39,969 --> 00:00:40,968
Oh, oh...
19
00:00:40,970 --> 00:00:42,153
What's that I hear?
20
00:00:42,155 --> 00:00:44,522
Is that your own closet door
finally swinging open?
21
00:00:44,524 --> 00:00:46,324
Trust me,
if I was gay
22
00:00:46,326 --> 00:00:47,975
you'd be the first
one to know.
23
00:00:49,445 --> 00:00:51,312
You know, I think I was
in high school
24
00:00:51,314 --> 00:00:52,664
when I figured it out.
25
00:00:52,666 --> 00:00:54,332
A bunch of my friends
were having a sleepover
26
00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:56,000
and we started talking about
27
00:00:56,002 --> 00:00:57,702
what it would be like
to kiss a boy
28
00:00:57,704 --> 00:00:59,003
and who was the best kisser.
29
00:00:59,005 --> 00:01:00,922
So me and my friend Kimberly,
30
00:01:00,924 --> 00:01:02,207
who was a cheerleader,
31
00:01:02,209 --> 00:01:04,376
decided to settle it
by making out.
32
00:01:04,378 --> 00:01:05,493
A-a cheerleader?
33
00:01:05,495 --> 00:01:07,796
Let the woman talk.
34
00:01:07,798 --> 00:01:09,681
Kimberly was so hot.
35
00:01:09,683 --> 00:01:13,101
I still remember
how soft her lips felt
36
00:01:13,103 --> 00:01:15,854
as she slipped
her hand under my shirt
37
00:01:15,856 --> 00:01:18,640
and kissed her way down my body.
38
00:01:21,227 --> 00:01:24,529
Must've been a strange and
confusing time for you.
39
00:01:25,698 --> 00:01:27,031
Please continue.
40
00:01:27,033 --> 00:01:30,318
She closed her eyes.
41
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:32,070
She parted her lips.
42
00:01:32,072 --> 00:01:34,656
She arched her back
43
00:01:34,658 --> 00:01:37,242
and I whispered in her ear,
44
00:01:37,244 --> 00:01:40,361
"Oh, my God,
45
00:01:40,363 --> 00:01:42,330
"Kimberly,
46
00:01:42,332 --> 00:01:43,865
"I can't believe
47
00:01:43,867 --> 00:01:45,884
"these two idiots
48
00:01:45,886 --> 00:01:48,136
actually believe this story."
49
00:01:51,724 --> 00:01:53,224
And then what happe...
Aw!
50
00:01:53,226 --> 00:01:55,093
Damn it!
51
00:01:55,095 --> 00:01:56,761
It's not that complicated.
52
00:01:56,763 --> 00:01:59,347
The first time you masturbate
thinking about the school nurse
53
00:01:59,349 --> 00:02:00,482
you pretty much know.
54
00:02:00,484 --> 00:02:03,601
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.
55
00:02:06,655 --> 00:02:09,073
We need to start hanging out with
girls who aren't gay.
56
00:02:09,075 --> 00:02:10,024
Or related to us.
57
00:02:10,026 --> 00:02:11,693
How 'bout her?
58
00:02:13,696 --> 00:02:15,864
Oh, I suppose I could
go talk to her.
59
00:02:15,866 --> 00:02:17,615
I think Jenny was
talking about me.
60
00:02:17,617 --> 00:02:19,066
Oh, really?
61
00:02:19,068 --> 00:02:20,952
And you assume that just because
you're rich and good-looking?
62
00:02:20,954 --> 00:02:23,171
No, I was going to say
smart and charming,
63
00:02:23,173 --> 00:02:25,239
but if you mix all those
ingredients together,
64
00:02:25,241 --> 00:02:27,625
you make one delicious
hot guy pie.
65
00:02:27,627 --> 00:02:31,296
Well, your "hot guy pie"
is no match for my system.
66
00:02:31,298 --> 00:02:32,464
No, hold on.
67
00:02:32,466 --> 00:02:34,048
Going on Craigslist
and looking up "escorts"
68
00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:35,082
isn't a system.
69
00:02:35,084 --> 00:02:36,250
That is not my system,
70
00:02:36,252 --> 00:02:38,386
that is my backup plan.
71
00:02:38,388 --> 00:02:40,421
My system consists
of the three "C"s:
72
00:02:40,423 --> 00:02:43,191
connect, charm and cry.
73
00:02:43,193 --> 00:02:44,809
Works every time.
74
00:02:44,811 --> 00:02:45,944
Uh, okay...
75
00:02:45,946 --> 00:02:47,445
"Hi, my name's Alan.
76
00:02:47,447 --> 00:02:50,064
"That is a beautiful
blouse you're wearing.
77
00:02:50,066 --> 00:02:52,567
My dead wife was buried
in one just like it."
78
00:02:53,569 --> 00:02:55,653
Yeah, my system's
a lot simpler.
79
00:02:55,655 --> 00:02:56,938
I wait for you
to finish talking
80
00:02:56,940 --> 00:02:58,272
and then I
take them home.
81
00:02:58,274 --> 00:03:00,492
Oh, oh, big words
coming from somebody
82
00:03:00,494 --> 00:03:02,109
sitting alone next to me.
Oh.
83
00:03:02,111 --> 00:03:04,496
Okay, fine. Well, let's just go see
who she likes better.
84
00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:10,084
Oh, my God.
85
00:03:10,086 --> 00:03:11,786
No one is safe.
86
00:03:17,009 --> 00:03:19,811
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
87
00:03:19,813 --> 00:03:21,854
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
88
00:03:21,855 --> 00:03:25,855
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x07 ♪
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
Original Air Date on November 14, 2013
89
00:03:25,856 --> 00:03:28,856
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
90
00:03:30,459 --> 00:03:33,293
Hey, do you think all women
are potentially lesbians?
91
00:03:33,295 --> 00:03:35,479
Um, I have 30 years
92
00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:37,581
of masturbating to porn
that say yes.
93
00:03:38,816 --> 00:03:40,651
You know,
you brag more
94
00:03:40,653 --> 00:03:41,785
about your
masturbating prowess
95
00:03:41,787 --> 00:03:43,220
than any person
I know.
96
00:03:44,189 --> 00:03:46,673
It ain't bragging
if it's true.
97
00:03:46,675 --> 00:03:49,175
Ooh. Alpha bravo,
two bogeys on your six.
98
00:03:50,645 --> 00:03:52,029
Why are you
talking like that?
99
00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:54,180
Oh, my...
Did you have a stroke?
100
00:03:54,182 --> 00:03:55,532
It's airplane talk.
101
00:03:55,534 --> 00:03:56,733
I'm your wingman.
102
00:03:56,735 --> 00:03:58,535
It... it just means two cute girls
just walked in.
103
00:03:58,537 --> 00:04:01,288
Why didn't you just say
two cute girls just walked in?
104
00:04:01,290 --> 00:04:02,456
Roger that.
105
00:04:02,458 --> 00:04:04,291
Will you stop that?
Over and out.
106
00:04:07,295 --> 00:04:08,712
Wow.
Yeah.
107
00:04:08,714 --> 00:04:09,913
They are cute.
Yeah, yeah.
108
00:04:09,915 --> 00:04:11,665
So, uh... so what's
the play here?
109
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:13,533
Um, uh... how about
something like, uh...
110
00:04:13,535 --> 00:04:15,419
"Hey, uh, those
seats are taken,
111
00:04:15,421 --> 00:04:17,337
but our faces aren't"?
112
00:04:19,206 --> 00:04:20,757
How about,
"I'm Walden,
113
00:04:20,759 --> 00:04:23,227
and this is my
mute friend Alan"?
114
00:04:24,095 --> 00:04:25,395
Fine.
115
00:04:25,397 --> 00:04:27,347
You think you've got such
great game, lead the way,
116
00:04:27,349 --> 00:04:30,267
Mr. "I'm too good for
Craigslist and masturbating."
117
00:04:33,655 --> 00:04:34,605
Hi.
118
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,523
Hi.
119
00:04:41,613 --> 00:04:42,913
That's all I got.
120
00:04:44,365 --> 00:04:46,950
Uh, ladies, uh, uh, how much does
a polar bear weigh?
121
00:04:46,952 --> 00:04:48,752
Oh, I don't know.
122
00:04:48,754 --> 00:04:50,754
Enough to break the ice.
I'm Dr. Alan Harper.
123
00:04:52,073 --> 00:04:53,557
Uh, this is my associate
Walden Schmidt.
124
00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:55,008
Google him,
he's rich.
125
00:04:55,010 --> 00:04:57,594
If you Google me,
you can see my boobs.
126
00:04:58,713 --> 00:05:00,847
Also if you do this.
127
00:05:00,849 --> 00:05:03,133
Hi.
128
00:05:03,135 --> 00:05:04,718
Oh, oh, uh,
take another look,
129
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:06,720
but this time
spell "attic."
130
00:05:07,639 --> 00:05:10,641
A-T-T-I-C.
131
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,609
Oh! I get it.
132
00:05:13,394 --> 00:05:15,095
Because these are my tee-tees
133
00:05:15,097 --> 00:05:17,064
and I see them.
134
00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,900
I'm sorry about my friend.
I'm sorry about my friend.
135
00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:22,936
Walden.
Jill.
136
00:05:22,938 --> 00:05:24,871
So, Alan, what kind of
doctor are you?
137
00:05:24,873 --> 00:05:25,822
Oh, I'm a...
138
00:05:25,824 --> 00:05:27,607
a chiropractor...
139
00:05:27,609 --> 00:05:28,942
slash brain surgeon.
140
00:05:28,944 --> 00:05:30,443
Oh!
141
00:05:30,445 --> 00:05:31,995
So, uh, w-what do
you guys do?
142
00:05:31,997 --> 00:05:34,665
We're princesses
at a theme park.
143
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:35,782
Really?
144
00:05:35,784 --> 00:05:37,384
Yeah, I play
Cinderella
145
00:05:37,386 --> 00:05:38,552
and she's the
Little Mermaid.
146
00:05:38,554 --> 00:05:40,003
Oh, well, that
certainly makes sense
147
00:05:40,005 --> 00:05:41,338
because, uh,
you "swept"
148
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:43,090
my friend
off his feet
149
00:05:43,092 --> 00:05:45,625
and-and I'm
"hooked" on you.
150
00:05:45,627 --> 00:05:47,144
Oh, my God,
that's funny
151
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,428
because I'm a fish.
152
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:49,730
Yes.
153
00:05:49,732 --> 00:05:52,566
The answer to the question
you're not asking is:
154
00:05:52,568 --> 00:05:54,651
because she makes
me look smart.
155
00:05:54,653 --> 00:05:58,021
Well, the answer to the question
you're not asking is:
156
00:05:58,023 --> 00:05:59,973
because he won't
move out.
157
00:06:04,112 --> 00:06:05,862
Morning.
Oh, hey.
158
00:06:05,864 --> 00:06:06,997
How great
was last night?
159
00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:08,365
It was pretty good.
160
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,833
Those girls didn't know
what hit 'em.
161
00:06:09,835 --> 00:06:12,652
What'd you use,
chloroform or Tasers?
162
00:06:12,654 --> 00:06:14,320
I will have you know
163
00:06:14,322 --> 00:06:15,839
that Walden and I
have dates tonight
164
00:06:15,841 --> 00:06:17,674
with two theme park princesses.
165
00:06:17,676 --> 00:06:19,626
Mine's Cinderella.
166
00:06:19,628 --> 00:06:21,161
Perfect for you.
167
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,263
Storybook beauty.
168
00:06:23,265 --> 00:06:24,931
And mine is the Little Mermaid.
169
00:06:24,933 --> 00:06:26,299
Perfect for you.
170
00:06:26,301 --> 00:06:28,001
No legs to run away.
171
00:06:31,689 --> 00:06:33,724
I'm telling you,
if we play our cards right,
172
00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:36,443
we're gonna get ourselves
some fairy-tail.
173
00:06:36,445 --> 00:06:38,528
"Fairy-tail"?
174
00:06:38,530 --> 00:06:40,897
Because, you know,
"tail" has two meanings.
175
00:06:40,899 --> 00:06:42,866
Yeah, so does "fairy."
176
00:06:44,886 --> 00:06:45,902
Hey, guys.
177
00:06:45,904 --> 00:06:47,187
Hi.
Hey.
178
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:48,155
This is Maria.
179
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:49,456
Maria, this is Walden
and Alan.
180
00:06:49,458 --> 00:06:50,574
Oh, that's so cool.
181
00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:52,409
You didn't tell me
your parents were gay.
182
00:06:55,079 --> 00:06:56,630
Didn't I?
183
00:06:56,632 --> 00:06:58,215
Dad and Mom.
184
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,717
Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
185
00:07:00,719 --> 00:07:02,002
Uh, listen,
I gotta go.
186
00:07:02,004 --> 00:07:03,703
But you are going
to call me, right?
187
00:07:03,705 --> 00:07:05,589
Absolutely.
You sure?
188
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:06,807
Yes.
189
00:07:06,809 --> 00:07:09,009
I would not lie to you
in front of my parents.
190
00:07:09,011 --> 00:07:11,211
Bye, it was nice meeting you.
191
00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:14,398
Don't be a stranger, dear.
192
00:07:15,733 --> 00:07:18,518
That's not the girl you
picked up in the bar last night.
193
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,237
No, she delivered the pizza
194
00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:22,906
to me and the girl I picked up
at the bar last night.
195
00:07:24,308 --> 00:07:27,027
Well, I hope you gave her
a good tip.
196
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:29,579
Nah, she didn't come
in 30 minutes or less.
197
00:07:35,903 --> 00:07:36,920
Whoa.
198
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,372
Fashion Police.
199
00:07:39,374 --> 00:07:41,341
Pull over.
200
00:07:41,343 --> 00:07:42,742
What?
201
00:07:42,744 --> 00:07:44,094
The reason I stopped you
202
00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:47,097
is it appears
your style has expired.
203
00:07:48,716 --> 00:07:49,716
You don't like
this sweater?
204
00:07:49,718 --> 00:07:50,717
I thought it
looked good.
205
00:07:50,719 --> 00:07:53,136
Have you been drinking, sir?
206
00:07:53,138 --> 00:07:55,222
This coming
from a man
207
00:07:55,224 --> 00:07:58,058
who looks like he's been
tented for termites.
208
00:08:04,315 --> 00:08:05,365
Lyndsey.
209
00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:06,566
Hi, Alan.
210
00:08:06,568 --> 00:08:08,285
Uh, did we have
plans for tonight?
211
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:09,920
No, I was
in the area
212
00:08:09,922 --> 00:08:11,721
and I thought I'd surprise
you with a booty call.
213
00:08:11,723 --> 00:08:13,106
Oh. Wow.
214
00:08:13,108 --> 00:08:14,906
Well, normally that would
be delightful, but...
215
00:08:14,931 --> 00:08:16,389
Wait.
216
00:08:16,794 --> 00:08:19,746
You're wearing cologne
and your one good shirt.
217
00:08:21,615 --> 00:08:22,949
You have a date.
218
00:08:22,951 --> 00:08:25,302
Oh, no, I-I wouldn't
call it a date,
219
00:08:25,304 --> 00:08:26,920
you know, uh, um...
220
00:08:26,922 --> 00:08:28,889
Walden met this woman,
221
00:08:28,891 --> 00:08:31,758
and she's got a friend,
really ugly.
222
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,059
Mm-hmm.
223
00:08:33,061 --> 00:08:34,294
You know how
they say, you know,
224
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:35,562
people were beaten
with the ugly stick?
225
00:08:35,564 --> 00:08:37,013
Well...
well, you know,
226
00:08:37,015 --> 00:08:39,182
if you took a bunch
of the ugly sticks
227
00:08:39,184 --> 00:08:40,851
and built an ugly house,
228
00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,487
when this girl
walked by,
229
00:08:43,489 --> 00:08:46,106
the house would
call her ugly.
230
00:08:47,492 --> 00:08:49,826
Alan, relax.
231
00:08:49,828 --> 00:08:51,995
You're allowed to date.
Oh, really?
232
00:08:51,997 --> 00:08:53,597
Of course. I mean,
I have a boyfriend.
233
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:56,283
Oh, thank God, 'cause this girl is
actually way hot.
234
00:08:57,236 --> 00:08:58,919
I mean, you know,
not as hot as you,
235
00:08:58,921 --> 00:09:00,453
but, you know,
young-hot.
236
00:09:01,956 --> 00:09:05,125
You've been hot
a lot longer.
237
00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:11,298
I'm gonna go.
238
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:12,432
You sure you're
okay with this?
239
00:09:12,434 --> 00:09:13,850
I'm sure.
240
00:09:13,852 --> 00:09:16,052
Go have fun.
241
00:09:16,054 --> 00:09:18,939
Oh, that's my good old Lyndsey.
242
00:09:18,941 --> 00:09:21,358
I didn't mean "old"!
243
00:09:25,646 --> 00:09:27,063
Idiot Police.
244
00:09:27,065 --> 00:09:28,698
Pull over.
245
00:09:33,321 --> 00:09:35,372
God, it's great out here.
246
00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:37,290
The stars look amazing.
247
00:09:37,292 --> 00:09:39,793
Yeah, without the lights
from the city, they really pop.
248
00:09:39,795 --> 00:09:42,546
That's why you can see
Orion's Belt so clearly.
249
00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:45,298
Uh, you know, if you
look under Orion's Belt,
250
00:09:45,300 --> 00:09:47,367
uh, you can see
his Little Dipper.
251
00:09:48,536 --> 00:09:49,553
Oh, my God,
you are so bad.
252
00:09:50,722 --> 00:09:51,972
You're into astronomy?
253
00:09:51,974 --> 00:09:53,006
'Cause I've been
into astronomy
254
00:09:53,008 --> 00:09:54,040
since I went
to space camp.
255
00:09:54,042 --> 00:09:56,876
Also about the same
time I got into
256
00:09:56,878 --> 00:09:59,062
getting my ass kicked
at school.
257
00:09:59,064 --> 00:10:02,065
I always wanted
to go to space camp.
258
00:10:02,067 --> 00:10:03,683
Nerd!
259
00:10:03,685 --> 00:10:05,885
I prefer "geek."
260
00:10:07,438 --> 00:10:08,822
Wh-What about you,
Laurie?
261
00:10:08,824 --> 00:10:09,889
Are you into
astronomy?
262
00:10:09,891 --> 00:10:12,192
Yep, I'm a Virgo.
263
00:10:12,194 --> 00:10:14,560
But I'm not a virgin.
264
00:10:15,997 --> 00:10:18,281
Both good signs
for me.
265
00:10:18,283 --> 00:10:21,067
So, uh, how did you become
a princess, anyway?
266
00:10:21,069 --> 00:10:23,736
Oh, I get that a lot.
267
00:10:23,738 --> 00:10:27,207
I'm not a real princess.
268
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,575
I'm also not
a real redhead.
269
00:10:29,577 --> 00:10:31,077
You'll find
that out later.
270
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,415
No way, it must be great
being a princess.
271
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:36,633
Yeah, for the most part.
272
00:10:36,635 --> 00:10:38,935
What's not so great
are the pervy dads
273
00:10:38,937 --> 00:10:41,187
who are trying
to cop a feel.
274
00:10:41,189 --> 00:10:42,555
The other day I was like,
275
00:10:42,557 --> 00:10:44,107
"Do that again,
you're gonna find out
276
00:10:44,109 --> 00:10:46,026
where else
my glass slipper fits."
277
00:10:46,028 --> 00:10:48,478
Is it weird that
that turns me on?
278
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,114
Is it weird
that's why I told you?
279
00:10:51,116 --> 00:10:53,416
So, hey, would you girls like
a little more champagne?
280
00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:54,651
Oh, I would!
281
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:55,869
I love champagne.
282
00:10:55,871 --> 00:10:57,654
And puppies!
283
00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:59,406
Um, what's the magic word?
284
00:10:59,408 --> 00:11:02,208
Oh... boobs!
285
00:11:02,210 --> 00:11:04,411
Ah, the kids must love you.
286
00:11:09,950 --> 00:11:11,835
I really like Jill.
287
00:11:11,837 --> 00:11:14,170
I mean, she's fun, she's
beautiful, she's smart.
288
00:11:14,172 --> 00:11:15,621
And I really like Laurie--
she's fun,
289
00:11:15,623 --> 00:11:18,541
she's beautiful, she's stupid.
290
00:11:18,543 --> 00:11:20,593
So, uh, what's the next move?
291
00:11:20,595 --> 00:11:23,396
I'm gonna take Jill up to my
room and show her my telescope.
292
00:11:23,398 --> 00:11:24,481
What am I gonna do?
There's nothing
293
00:11:24,483 --> 00:11:25,598
in my room to show Laurie.
294
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:26,683
Yes, there is.
295
00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:28,568
You have a couch
that turns into a bed.
296
00:11:28,570 --> 00:11:29,986
She'll be amazed.
297
00:11:33,441 --> 00:11:34,807
Okay, open your eyes.
298
00:11:34,809 --> 00:11:37,661
Oh, my God!
299
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:39,479
Where'd the couch go?
300
00:11:39,481 --> 00:11:41,031
Ah-ah-ah!
301
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:43,199
A magician never
reveals his secrets.
302
00:11:43,201 --> 00:11:45,835
That's amazing.
303
00:11:45,837 --> 00:11:46,986
And for my next trick,
304
00:11:46,988 --> 00:11:49,089
I'm going to make
my penis disappear.
305
00:11:50,175 --> 00:11:52,325
I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.
306
00:11:52,327 --> 00:11:54,177
Ooh, pick me, pick me!
307
00:11:54,179 --> 00:11:55,495
Um...
308
00:12:01,186 --> 00:12:02,552
Oh, sorry, um...
309
00:12:02,554 --> 00:12:05,138
Uh, my mom.
310
00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:06,189
No problem.
311
00:12:06,191 --> 00:12:08,224
I'll go put in a condom.
312
00:12:08,226 --> 00:12:11,344
Uh, uh, that's not how...
313
00:12:11,346 --> 00:12:12,979
You know what? Great.
314
00:12:15,516 --> 00:12:16,483
Lyndsey?
315
00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:19,069
Alan? Thanks for calling.
316
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:20,453
You called me.
317
00:12:20,455 --> 00:12:21,538
Oh, that's good 'cause I was
318
00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:22,989
just gonna call you.
319
00:12:22,991 --> 00:12:24,240
Lyndsey, you're drunk.
320
00:12:24,242 --> 00:12:25,992
Alan, you're boring.
321
00:12:25,994 --> 00:12:27,243
Okay, I'm gonna go.
322
00:12:27,245 --> 00:12:28,378
Whoa, whoa, wait!
323
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:30,080
Just one thing.
324
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,881
Remember when I told you
I was okay
325
00:12:31,883 --> 00:12:33,049
with you dating other people?
326
00:12:33,051 --> 00:12:34,033
Uh-huh.
327
00:12:34,035 --> 00:12:35,218
Well, I'm not.
328
00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:36,553
You're not?
329
00:12:38,256 --> 00:12:40,890
I'm ready
for your next trick.
330
00:12:42,042 --> 00:12:43,893
Can I call you back? I'm...
331
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:46,062
going into a tunnel.
332
00:12:55,254 --> 00:12:58,656
So, what do you think
of your princess?
333
00:12:58,658 --> 00:13:00,825
I think I am enchanted.
334
00:13:00,827 --> 00:13:02,860
And engorged.
335
00:13:02,862 --> 00:13:05,730
Well, let's see
about giving this story
336
00:13:05,732 --> 00:13:07,698
a happy ending.
337
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:09,333
Uh, can you hold on
for a second?
338
00:13:09,335 --> 00:13:10,301
Oh.
Oh, oh!
339
00:13:10,303 --> 00:13:12,086
Uh, not what I meant.
340
00:13:12,088 --> 00:13:14,172
But... big thumbs-up.
341
00:13:14,174 --> 00:13:15,173
Oh, oh!
342
00:13:15,175 --> 00:13:17,324
It was a...
343
00:13:17,326 --> 00:13:19,927
It was a metaphorical thumbs-up.
344
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:22,380
Uh, and-and you work
with children.
345
00:13:22,382 --> 00:13:23,598
Is everything all right?
346
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,767
Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, uh,
can you just, uh,
347
00:13:25,769 --> 00:13:27,718
hang on a minute?
I've got to freshen up.
348
00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,187
Oh, the bathroom's right there.
349
00:13:29,189 --> 00:13:31,856
Yeah, no, I have to...
350
00:13:31,858 --> 00:13:34,058
poop.
351
00:13:34,893 --> 00:13:36,644
Okay.
352
00:13:36,646 --> 00:13:39,697
Check out this star.
353
00:13:39,699 --> 00:13:41,699
Is that the guy from Survivor?
354
00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:44,185
Yeah, Jeff Probst.
355
00:13:44,187 --> 00:13:46,420
He's naked and cooking...
356
00:13:46,422 --> 00:13:47,405
bacon?
357
00:13:47,407 --> 00:13:49,023
Yeah, he does it every night.
358
00:13:49,025 --> 00:13:51,859
It's a regular bacon
and sausage fest.
359
00:13:51,861 --> 00:13:54,378
And why do you watch?
360
00:13:54,380 --> 00:13:55,880
Uh, there's not much on TV.
361
00:13:55,882 --> 00:13:57,364
But... more importantly...
362
00:13:57,366 --> 00:14:00,051
I think he wants me to.
363
00:14:00,053 --> 00:14:02,703
Well, maybe if there
was something better
364
00:14:02,705 --> 00:14:04,005
for you to look at?
365
00:14:04,007 --> 00:14:05,389
Oh.
366
00:14:06,342 --> 00:14:08,059
Walden! Walden!
367
00:14:08,061 --> 00:14:10,878
I know! Probst is cooking.
368
00:14:12,564 --> 00:14:15,549
No, no! It-it's an emergency.
369
00:14:15,551 --> 00:14:17,652
I'm sorry, it's...
Mm-hmm.
370
00:14:20,055 --> 00:14:21,155
What?
371
00:14:21,157 --> 00:14:22,156
Lyndsey called me.
372
00:14:22,158 --> 00:14:23,574
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
373
00:14:23,576 --> 00:14:25,943
Why didn't you say that
from the beginning?
374
00:14:33,202 --> 00:14:35,503
She told me she is not okay
with me dating someone else.
375
00:14:35,505 --> 00:14:37,371
She has a boyfriend, okay?
376
00:14:37,373 --> 00:14:39,924
What she's doing to you is not fair.
So what should I do?
377
00:14:39,926 --> 00:14:42,043
You should do what every boy in
America has dreamed about doing,
378
00:14:42,045 --> 00:14:44,629
and go downstairs
and bang the Little Mermaid.
379
00:14:46,465 --> 00:14:47,581
You're right.
380
00:14:47,583 --> 00:14:49,433
A bush in the hand
and all that.
381
00:14:49,435 --> 00:14:51,385
Well, I'd tell you
to go screw her brains out,
382
00:14:51,387 --> 00:14:53,137
but somebody already
beat you to it.
383
00:14:57,310 --> 00:14:58,976
Aw, great.
384
00:14:58,978 --> 00:15:00,711
Um...
385
00:15:00,713 --> 00:15:02,813
Hi, Lynds.
386
00:15:02,815 --> 00:15:05,316
No, no, you have, uh,
nothing to apologize for.
387
00:15:05,318 --> 00:15:08,286
I-I sent her home.
388
00:15:08,288 --> 00:15:11,923
You left a surprise for me?
389
00:15:11,925 --> 00:15:13,291
Oh...
390
00:15:13,293 --> 00:15:14,659
you didn't have to do that.
391
00:15:14,661 --> 00:15:17,194
Surprise!
392
00:15:17,196 --> 00:15:18,880
Lyndsey?
Yeah.
393
00:15:18,882 --> 00:15:21,165
I felt bad
about ruining your date
394
00:15:21,167 --> 00:15:23,601
so I wanted to make it up to you.
Oh.
395
00:15:23,603 --> 00:15:25,903
Alan, where are you?
396
00:15:25,905 --> 00:15:27,221
Who was that?
397
00:15:27,223 --> 00:15:28,956
Oh, uh, that's just
a TV show I'm watching.
398
00:15:28,958 --> 00:15:29,924
It's called...
399
00:15:29,926 --> 00:15:31,959
Alan, Where Are You?
400
00:15:31,961 --> 00:15:33,144
Um, well,
401
00:15:33,146 --> 00:15:34,478
you know what?
Thanks for dropping by,
402
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:35,646
but I'm gonna have
to take a rain check.
403
00:15:35,648 --> 00:15:37,231
So I will see you soon.
404
00:15:37,233 --> 00:15:40,151
Are you done pooping?
405
00:15:41,154 --> 00:15:42,653
Whoop!
406
00:15:42,655 --> 00:15:44,388
Who the hell is this?
407
00:15:44,390 --> 00:15:46,157
Ooh, I'm so sorry.
408
00:15:46,159 --> 00:15:47,641
Is this your mom?
409
00:15:48,860 --> 00:15:51,279
Bitch, you are gonna die!
410
00:15:51,281 --> 00:15:52,997
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
411
00:15:52,999 --> 00:15:55,666
I thought you said
you sent the slut home.
412
00:15:55,668 --> 00:15:57,668
How does she know I'm a slut?
413
00:15:57,670 --> 00:16:00,621
Okay, okay, this-this is just
a classic misunderstanding.
414
00:16:00,623 --> 00:16:03,341
It-it's like a bad episode
of Alan, Where Are You?
415
00:16:04,626 --> 00:16:06,043
You lied to me!
416
00:16:06,045 --> 00:16:07,678
I was just about
to kick her out.
417
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,096
You were about to kick me out?
418
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,932
I wasn't. I was.
419
00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:11,849
I wasn't.
420
00:16:11,851 --> 00:16:12,883
Hey.
421
00:16:12,885 --> 00:16:14,135
What is going on?
422
00:16:14,137 --> 00:16:16,604
Alan's mom thinks I'm a slut.
423
00:16:16,606 --> 00:16:18,940
Alan's cheating on me.
424
00:16:18,942 --> 00:16:20,274
Uh, you have a boyfriend!
425
00:16:20,276 --> 00:16:22,009
Now who's the slut?
426
00:16:22,011 --> 00:16:23,277
Ooh, ooh!
427
00:16:23,279 --> 00:16:24,612
Okay, maybe...
428
00:16:24,614 --> 00:16:25,780
we should just get
our things and go.
429
00:16:25,782 --> 00:16:26,814
No, no, no, no, no, no!
430
00:16:26,816 --> 00:16:27,865
Don't-don't get your things.
431
00:16:27,867 --> 00:16:29,183
I like your things.
432
00:16:29,185 --> 00:16:31,452
I haven't even
seen your things.
433
00:16:31,454 --> 00:16:33,571
I really think we
should call it a night.
434
00:16:33,573 --> 00:16:35,189
No, Alan, do something!
435
00:16:35,191 --> 00:16:36,374
Uh, o-okay, what we're
gonna do is...
436
00:16:41,246 --> 00:16:43,414
Whoa!
437
00:16:44,466 --> 00:16:47,885
Whoa.
438
00:16:47,887 --> 00:16:50,054
Must have vagina!
439
00:16:55,143 --> 00:16:56,894
Morning.
440
00:16:56,896 --> 00:17:00,281
Hey, sorry for puking
in the living room last night.
441
00:17:00,283 --> 00:17:01,065
What?
442
00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,350
I think I just drank
443
00:17:02,352 --> 00:17:03,684
a little too much.
444
00:17:03,686 --> 00:17:05,202
Oh, th-that wasn't you.
That was Lyndsey.
445
00:17:05,204 --> 00:17:07,822
Oh, awesome!
446
00:17:07,824 --> 00:17:11,208
Guess who doesn't have
a drinking problem.
447
00:17:12,060 --> 00:17:13,995
Morning.
Morning.
448
00:17:13,997 --> 00:17:15,746
Sorry again about last night.
449
00:17:15,748 --> 00:17:18,416
You know what?
I really liked Jill.
450
00:17:18,418 --> 00:17:20,084
What happened was
out of my control.
451
00:17:20,086 --> 00:17:21,735
No, it wasn't!
452
00:17:21,737 --> 00:17:24,288
This whole non-relationship
relationship thing
453
00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:26,374
you have going on
with Lyndsey is ridiculous.
454
00:17:26,376 --> 00:17:27,758
And now it's affecting me.
455
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,511
You owe me a princess
and an area rug.
456
00:17:31,847 --> 00:17:34,048
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened. Nothing.
457
00:17:34,050 --> 00:17:36,767
The only person who got hot,
drunk sex last night
458
00:17:36,769 --> 00:17:38,769
was Lyndsey's boyfriend.
459
00:17:38,771 --> 00:17:39,970
Actually...
460
00:17:39,972 --> 00:17:41,439
Okay, fine.
Him and you.
461
00:17:41,441 --> 00:17:44,041
Well...
Aw, damn it!
462
00:17:54,369 --> 00:17:55,619
Lyndsey, can we talk?
463
00:17:55,621 --> 00:17:58,205
Sure, I've been puking
at 20-minute intervals.
464
00:17:58,207 --> 00:18:01,292
So... you got eight minutes.
465
00:18:01,294 --> 00:18:03,611
Look, a-about last night...
466
00:18:03,613 --> 00:18:05,496
I-I am really sorry.
467
00:18:05,498 --> 00:18:07,415
I-I was totally out of line.
468
00:18:07,417 --> 00:18:09,200
It's just...
I started picturing you
469
00:18:09,202 --> 00:18:11,669
with some other girl
and I got so jealous.
470
00:18:11,671 --> 00:18:13,471
I mean...
471
00:18:13,473 --> 00:18:14,972
isn't that crazy?
472
00:18:14,974 --> 00:18:16,557
It's you.
473
00:18:17,459 --> 00:18:20,061
Ouch, there was an iron fist
474
00:18:20,063 --> 00:18:21,896
in that velvet glove.
475
00:18:21,898 --> 00:18:24,348
Um, look.
476
00:18:24,350 --> 00:18:25,900
I want to be with you.
477
00:18:25,902 --> 00:18:27,651
And this whole thing with me,
478
00:18:27,653 --> 00:18:30,688
you and Larry
just isn't working anymore.
479
00:18:30,690 --> 00:18:33,074
So what are you saying?
480
00:18:33,076 --> 00:18:36,327
I'm saying
it's-it's either me or him.
481
00:18:36,329 --> 00:18:38,312
Well, it's not that simple.
482
00:18:38,314 --> 00:18:40,030
I can't just choose.
483
00:18:40,032 --> 00:18:42,166
I guess you already did.
484
00:18:43,418 --> 00:18:44,535
Good-bye, Lyndsey.
485
00:18:44,537 --> 00:18:46,003
Alan, wait.
486
00:18:46,005 --> 00:18:48,172
Yeah?
487
00:18:48,174 --> 00:18:50,958
I-I choose you.
488
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,676
Really?
489
00:18:52,678 --> 00:18:54,962
Yeah.
Oh!
490
00:18:54,964 --> 00:18:57,314
Oh, you make me so happy.
You make me happy, too.
491
00:18:57,316 --> 00:18:59,250
So, you gonna
break up with Larry?
492
00:18:59,252 --> 00:19:01,552
Yes.
Aw, great.
493
00:19:01,554 --> 00:19:03,437
It feels so good
to be back in your arms.
494
00:19:03,439 --> 00:19:04,772
Yeah...
495
00:19:04,774 --> 00:19:06,507
Hold on.
496
00:19:09,862 --> 00:19:12,062
Oh, hold my hair!
497
00:19:14,649 --> 00:19:17,902
Oh, it's just like old times.
498
00:19:27,972 --> 00:19:30,156
♪ Men. ♪
499
00:19:31,358 --> 00:19:32,492
Wow.
500
00:19:32,494 --> 00:19:34,928
Yeah, wow.
501
00:19:34,930 --> 00:19:36,096
That was, uh...
502
00:19:36,098 --> 00:19:38,965
Boring.
Very.
503
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:41,317
What was missing?
504
00:19:42,870 --> 00:19:46,356
Larry.
Larry.
505
00:19:46,358 --> 00:19:48,708
Knowing we're not supposed
to have sex made it way hotter.
506
00:19:48,710 --> 00:19:50,210
It really did.
507
00:19:50,212 --> 00:19:53,163
You think maybe Larry
would take you back?
508
00:19:53,165 --> 00:19:56,883
I haven't told him yet.
Smart.
509
00:19:56,885 --> 00:19:58,535
Hey.
510
00:19:58,537 --> 00:20:00,854
Now that we both know that
Larry's still in the picture,
511
00:20:00,856 --> 00:20:03,005
maybe we should try again.
512
00:20:03,007 --> 00:20:04,491
Okay.
513
00:20:04,493 --> 00:20:06,726
I promise this time
I won't fake my orgasm.
514
00:20:06,728 --> 00:20:09,062
Oh, then neither will I.
515
00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:17,821
Walden.
516
00:20:17,823 --> 00:20:19,205
Can you help me, miss?
517
00:20:19,207 --> 00:20:22,826
A beautiful woman fled my house
last night and the only clue
518
00:20:22,828 --> 00:20:24,410
I have to her identity
519
00:20:24,412 --> 00:20:27,380
is this shoe she left behind.
520
00:20:27,382 --> 00:20:31,251
Oh, that's very sweet,
but this isn't a good time.
521
00:20:31,253 --> 00:20:34,170
Why, is it...?
522
00:20:34,172 --> 00:20:36,372
Do I smell bacon?
523
00:20:36,374 --> 00:20:38,258
You should go.
524
00:20:38,260 --> 00:20:41,060
Everything okay, babe?
525
00:20:41,062 --> 00:20:43,980
I just need a second.
526
00:20:43,982 --> 00:20:45,732
All right.
527
00:20:45,734 --> 00:20:49,686
Bacon's ready.
528
00:20:49,688 --> 00:20:52,054
I'm sorry.
529
00:20:53,509 --> 00:20:54,893
Damn you, Probst.
530
00:20:57,477 --> 00:20:59,828
♪ Men. ♪
531
00:20:59,853 --> 00:21:04,853
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
35329
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