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00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,297
♪
2
00:00:12,637 --> 00:00:13,847
So, Matt...
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00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,974
your father and I
couldn't help but notice
4
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:19,561
some rowdy music coming
from your room yesterday.
5
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:21,813
What's up with that?
It's a little too rowdy, Matt.
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00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,732
Starting to remind me
of your Uncle Theo over there.
7
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,233
Oh, yeah?
I love rowdy music.
8
00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:26,609
Who you rockin' out to?
Uh...
9
00:00:26,609 --> 00:00:28,236
Ah-ah-ah-ah,
lemme guess...
10
00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:29,529
Bizkit?
What?
11
00:00:29,529 --> 00:00:30,947
It's a band, Matt.
Oh, 'cause you would know.
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00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:32,157
I would know!
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00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,283
Uh... no?
14
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,326
Okay, Korn?
No.
15
00:00:35,326 --> 00:00:36,327
System?
No.
16
00:00:36,327 --> 00:00:37,328
Rammstein?
No.
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00:00:37,328 --> 00:00:38,621
Slipknot?
No.
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00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:39,956
God damn, you gotta hand it
to Theo, Deb.
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00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:41,624
He knows a lot of bands!
It's too many bands.
20
00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:42,625
Disturbed?
No.
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00:00:42,625 --> 00:00:43,793
Papa Roach?
No.
22
00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:46,296
Manson? Marilyn, not Charles. No.
23
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,131
What?
Marilyn, not Charles.
24
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:49,507
No.
Okay, a little more obscure.
25
00:00:49,507 --> 00:00:50,508
Sevendust?
No.
26
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:51,509
Deftones?
No.
27
00:00:51,509 --> 00:00:52,510
Soulfly?
No.
28
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:53,845
Godsmack?
No.
29
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,138
Jesus! Alright, just tell me
what you're into.
30
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:57,348
What do you listen to?
Just tell me!
31
00:00:57,348 --> 00:01:00,727
Post Malone?
32
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:01,811
Yeah.
33
00:01:01,811 --> 00:01:03,980
Uhhhhhh...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
34
00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:07,859
Yeah, I think I've heard
some of their shit.
35
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:09,736
Deb,
this meal is heaven.
36
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:10,904
- Just heaven.
- Really good.
37
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,155
Yeah, honey.
Great choice.
38
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,073
Burger Boyz usually
gives me diarrhea,
39
00:01:14,073 --> 00:01:16,284
but I can't
help myself!
40
00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,661
- [ Laughter ]
- Okay.
41
00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:20,038
You guys ever see
that animation
42
00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:22,499
of Homer Simpson
backing into the bushes?
43
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,083
Uh, that's me right now!
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00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:27,086
Yeah!
Too much TMI, Darby!
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00:01:27,086 --> 00:01:29,839
[ Laughter ]
46
00:01:29,839 --> 00:01:33,176
Too funny.
47
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,345
Hey. Sometimes,
when I hear about a singer,
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00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:37,514
I'll refer to them as "they"
like they're a band.
49
00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:39,307
There's a lot of people
behind the scenes that help out.
50
00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,184
Producers, engineers.
So just--
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00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,560
That's why I talked
about Post Malone
52
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:43,853
like he's more
than one guy.
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00:01:43,853 --> 00:01:45,230
That's all.
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00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,940
He's from New York,
bet you didn't you know that.
55
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,275
Theo, It's alright if you don't
know who Post Malone is.
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00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:51,361
I know who he--
who they are, alright?!
57
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:53,196
I mean, I sat here
and I named a hundred bands,
58
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,198
you pussies only knew
the most mainstream one!
59
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,741
Hey!
Theo, easy!
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00:01:56,741 --> 00:01:59,536
Theo, do not talk about pussies
at our dinner table like that!
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00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:01,204
Okay, this is Dad's table,
not yours.
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00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:03,164
Theo, the fact
that Dad entrusted me to run
63
00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:05,792
Royal Crackers says enough
about whose table this is, okay?
64
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,503
The only thing you run is
that stupid mouth of yours!
65
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,046
You weren't entrusted
to run anything,
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00:02:10,046 --> 00:02:12,006
you took a job I didn't want
because I was busy
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00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:14,467
touring the country
makin' hits and hittin' slits!
68
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:16,845
I'm sure your father wishes
you were still touring
69
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,555
with that no-talent band
of yours
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00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:21,224
instead of just sitting
around here taking up space!
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00:02:21,224 --> 00:02:23,309
That "no-talent band"
was called TainT,
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00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:25,228
and Guitar World
ranked us best NuMetal band
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00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:28,106
two years in a row, so here's
a SuFi for each one, lady!
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00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:29,274
Y'all need
to stop fighting!
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00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,567
Hey, I got an idea,
76
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,443
why don't we let Dad decide
whose table this is!
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00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:34,153
- Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad!
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00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:36,197
- Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad! Hey!
79
00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:41,911
- Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
80
00:02:41,911 --> 00:03:03,933
♪
81
00:03:03,933 --> 00:03:06,019
Stebe: Okay, everyone,
first order of business...
82
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:09,272
As you all know, Royal Crackers
sales numbers are still down.
83
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:11,566
But lucky for us,
the first boxes
84
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,902
of our black licorice flavor
just arrived
85
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,820
and we believe they could
single-handedly
86
00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,196
save the company!
87
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,784
Hmm!
Don't mind if I do!
88
00:03:21,784 --> 00:03:23,411
[ Laughter ]
89
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:27,457
Mm. Hmm.
90
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,875
♪
91
00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,460
Mm.
92
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:31,920
Meh.
93
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:34,130
Honey,
do you need some water or--
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00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,799
♪
95
00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,093
Are you okay, Stebe?
96
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:40,219
I'm fine.
97
00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:42,305
Oh, my God,
you're bleeding!
98
00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,098
They got a lot of taste.
99
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:47,268
Delicious.
100
00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:49,103
Anyway, we have
a solid product here
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00:03:49,103 --> 00:03:50,855
that should practically
sell itself--
102
00:03:50,855 --> 00:03:52,565
SuFi, baby!
103
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,067
- Hey! It's Theo!
- Hey!
104
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,777
Hey,
there's my man Darby!
105
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:58,029
Bakersfield's best
family attorney over here!
106
00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:00,031
Royal Crackers Secret Handshake, ready?
107
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,407
Oh, no way!
108
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,952
Me?
109
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:06,329
[Bleep]
110
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:07,789
I mean, that's just
straight-up offensive.
111
00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:10,583
Hey, Theo, any chance
of that TainT reunion tour
112
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:12,001
happening this summer?
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00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,711
I got my hands full
with my solo stuff right now.
114
00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:15,755
Plus, two of those guys
are dead from jack hangs.
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00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:18,299
Ugh, can we have one meeting
where we don't mention
116
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:19,884
auto-erotic asphyxiation?
117
00:04:19,884 --> 00:04:22,679
I have a serious matter
that needs to be discussed!
118
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,847
Well, honey, I mean, jack hangs
can be pretty serious--
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00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:27,684
As Stebe mentioned--
our sales are down,
120
00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,018
but more importantly,
121
00:04:29,018 --> 00:04:30,895
we're on the brink
of hitting a new low.
122
00:04:30,895 --> 00:04:32,522
We're even at risk
of falling behind
123
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,775
what has traditionally been
our easiest competitor--
124
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:37,735
"Uncle Dipshit's Fart Wafers."
125
00:04:37,735 --> 00:04:39,529
You know, once you eat
about three or four of them,
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00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,989
you kinda get used
to the fart taste.
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00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:42,448
Spit that out!
128
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,200
I have to get the black licorice
taste out of my mouth!
129
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,996
Anyhoos, I have been doing some
intense research on Facebook
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00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,164
and it turns out,
social media is
131
00:04:50,164 --> 00:04:52,291
a great way to promote
your product!
132
00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:53,960
I'm proposing
that we put money
133
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,878
towards a viral marketing campaign.
134
00:04:55,878 --> 00:04:58,131
We take to all
social media platforms,
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00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:01,551
including Facebook,
to become a viral sensation.
136
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,679
Well, Deb, honey, I would be
honored to take the reigns
137
00:05:04,679 --> 00:05:06,848
of this new
viral marketing campaign.
138
00:05:06,848 --> 00:05:08,057
What?!
139
00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:09,809
Yeah, Stebe, I don't think
you're right for this.
140
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:10,810
She's right.
141
00:05:10,810 --> 00:05:12,437
We need someone fresh.
142
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,813
Someone young at heart.
143
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:15,398
Someone who knows this,
what is it?
144
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,567
Facebook
like the back of their hand.
145
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:21,571
Someone who can make our company
blossom into the new age.
146
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:25,116
The person we should elect
is none other
147
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:28,077
than that who's name
I will utter now.
148
00:05:28,077 --> 00:05:30,204
And that name is...
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00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,498
Me! Head of the viral
marketing campaign!
150
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:35,418
Wow, Dad,
can you believe it!?
151
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:36,711
Oh, you like this song, huh?
152
00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:39,005
This is off our second album,
"Bitch Slap."
153
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:48,931
♪
154
00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:50,266
Theo!
155
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,393
Theo in charge
of viral marketing?!
156
00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:54,020
There was nothing
we could do, Deb.
157
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,271
We were outnumbered
two to four.
158
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,273
No,
I was outnumbered one to five
159
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:59,108
because you voted for yourself,
you idiot!
160
00:05:59,108 --> 00:06:02,278
Even though you voted last
and you had zero votes!
161
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:04,781
Well, excuse me
for loving a comeback story!
162
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:07,200
Do you and your brother
even have Facebooks?
163
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,367
Okay.
164
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,911
You've got to stop
saying Facebook.
165
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,037
Am I saying it a lot?
166
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:12,580
Yeah, it's weir--
It's a lot.
167
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:15,166
Anyway, Deb, relax, it's just
a viral marketing thing.
168
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,584
He'll make
one YouTube video,
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00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,294
it'll go nowhere,
and everyone will move on.
170
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,630
But what happens if he succeeds,
Stebe?
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00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,465
The other board members
already love him,
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00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:24,175
now he shows
leadership skill,
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00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:27,303
your father dies, and you
get stepped over for CEO?
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00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:28,638
And then what?
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00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,681
He gets dibs on your father's
master bedroom?
176
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:33,476
I will not lose out
on that master bath, Stebe.
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00:06:33,476 --> 00:06:34,936
It has a bidet in it!
178
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:36,395
Do you know
what a bidet is!
179
00:06:36,395 --> 00:06:37,814
Yes,
I know what a bidet is!
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00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:40,900
A bidet washes out
your butt hole after you crap!
181
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,276
I said
I know what it is.
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00:06:42,276 --> 00:06:43,694
And I could just as well
use it on my front!
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00:06:43,694 --> 00:06:45,738
Don't even try
to stop me!
184
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,743
Deb, Theo's not
responsible enough
185
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:53,246
to be CEO
of Royal Crackers.
186
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,413
I'm the responsible one.
187
00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,249
And as for
his celebrity status,
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00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,334
his music isn't
even relevant anymore.
189
00:06:58,334 --> 00:07:00,002
You guys think
I'm washed up?!
190
00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:01,879
Well, allow me to school
you posers!
191
00:07:01,879 --> 00:07:04,048
1998 Family Values Tour!
192
00:07:04,048 --> 00:07:07,552
I'm talkin' LB,
I'm talkin' SOAD, I'm talkin'...
193
00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,678
K!
194
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:10,096
The hottest tour
in the country!
195
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,514
And I was set
to be on that lineup,
196
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:13,057
and I would have been
had it not been
197
00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:15,726
for those backstabbing
pieces of shit in ORGY!
198
00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:19,188
[ Singer screaming
indistinctly ]
199
00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:22,191
[ Muffled shouting ]
200
00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:32,994
♪
201
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:35,454
You both just made
a very powerful enemy!
202
00:07:35,454 --> 00:07:37,915
I'm gonna make a viral video
that's gonna go so viral,
203
00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:40,042
the board will be
begging me to become CEO.
204
00:07:40,042 --> 00:07:42,545
So with that, I've got one gift
for each of you--
205
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:45,214
Don't...
do SuFis again.
206
00:07:45,214 --> 00:07:46,299
Am I doing it
too much?
207
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,927
[ Dramatic music plays ]
208
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:27,924
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Gasps ] - Dad!
209
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:29,592
Oh, my God!
210
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:30,676
Dad!
Theodore!
211
00:08:30,676 --> 00:08:32,720
Dad! Dad!
212
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,972
Dad, wake up!
Get his clothes off!
213
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:36,224
Dad! Dad!
214
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:37,808
Wake up!
Dad, wake up!
215
00:08:37,808 --> 00:08:41,520
Dad! Dad! Dad!
216
00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,522
Doctor:
Well, I have some bad news.
217
00:08:43,522 --> 00:08:46,067
Your father's fallen into
what we in the medical field
218
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:47,401
call a "super-coma."
219
00:08:47,401 --> 00:08:49,695
Or, more casually,
a "SuCo."
220
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:51,572
He also suffered a pretty
bad spinal injury
221
00:08:51,572 --> 00:08:53,616
when you all thrashed him around
like a rag doll.
222
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:54,992
We were spooked.
Okay?
223
00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:56,786
Yeah. So we let our emotions
get the best of us.
224
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,204
What, is that
a crime now?
225
00:08:58,204 --> 00:08:59,830
What do you do when your dad
has a nasty fall?
226
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:02,166
You go like this?
"Hmm."
227
00:09:02,166 --> 00:09:04,085
Look, guys.
He goes like this, look.
228
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,086
"Hmm."
229
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:06,295
[ Laughter ]
That's funny.
230
00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:08,256
Okay,
clearly you're all still upset.
231
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:11,550
Maybe it's best I come back
when you've all calmed down.
232
00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,807
♪
233
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:20,476
[ Thinking ] I don't act like
that when my dad falls!
234
00:09:20,476 --> 00:09:22,770
♪
235
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:29,318
Well, I certainly hope
you're proud of yourself, Theo.
236
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:32,029
Proud of what? The $5 footlong
in my underwear?
237
00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:33,155
No, you idiot,
238
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:35,283
for putting your father
in a SuCo!
239
00:09:35,283 --> 00:09:36,409
You're blaming me for that?
240
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,411
Guys!
This is getting us nowhere!
241
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,830
Look, I'd really hate
to bring this up now but...
242
00:09:40,830 --> 00:09:43,249
if Mr. Hornsby is really
on his last leg,
243
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:44,667
then we need to start
talking about
244
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,043
his last will
and testament.
245
00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,337
He-- He has a last will
and testament?
246
00:09:48,337 --> 00:09:50,298
In a safety deposit box
across town.
247
00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:51,591
It details everything.
248
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:55,261
Who the company goes to,
who gets the house.
249
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,347
Should I go get it?
250
00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,850
Yeah, yes. Go get it.
W-We're not scared.
251
00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,852
Yeah, I mean if it says
what Dad truly wanted
252
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,228
for his estate
upon his death?
253
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:05,771
Why would that scare me?
Honestly?
254
00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:06,856
It doesn't scare me
at all.
255
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,024
Yeah, it shouldn't.
256
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,692
My-- My dad loved you
like a daughter.
257
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,861
He also loved me,
that's why I'm not scared.
258
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,280
I mean, do we live
in a society where love
259
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,115
is something to be
scared of now?
260
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:17,658
Is that where we're at
in this country?
261
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:20,036
Exactly.
Yeah. I'm not even that scared, TBH.
262
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,537
Like-- Like, on a scale
of 1 to 10?
263
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,956
I'd put my scared level
at like a 2, tops.
264
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:26,542
Well, I'm at a 9 just 'cause
I'm scared about losing my dad.
265
00:10:26,542 --> 00:10:28,711
Oh, yeah, no, I-I'm at an 11
when it comes to that.
266
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:31,380
Oh, really? 'Cause you just said
you're at a 2, asshole!
267
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,549
I'm clearly more scared about
losing Dad than you are!
268
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:34,717
Bullshit!
269
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:37,053
♪
270
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,262
Matt.
271
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:41,057
Matt!
Get your fat balls in here.
272
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,433
Do you know how
to work a DV camera?
273
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:45,269
Uh, I guess.
Why are you doing this?
274
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:46,562
Oh, my God, Matt,
275
00:10:46,562 --> 00:10:48,356
because if this viral video
is successful,
276
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,066
I'll prove myself
to the other board members
277
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,233
before your grandpa dies!
278
00:10:51,233 --> 00:10:52,860
Then I'll force a vote,
become CEO,
279
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:54,236
and make
your asshole parents
280
00:10:54,236 --> 00:10:56,072
work the mailroom
for the rest of their lives!
281
00:10:56,072 --> 00:10:59,867
No, I mean, like, why don't you
just shoot this on your phone?
282
00:10:59,867 --> 00:11:01,619
'Cause it has to look
professional!
283
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:04,163
I want it to look just as good
on a freakin big screen!
284
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,873
You think people wanna
exclusively watch videos
285
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:06,916
on their phone?
286
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,042
Why don't you ask Quibi?
287
00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,543
Oh, wait, you can't.
288
00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:11,128
Well, yeah, b--
289
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,339
Because they went
out of business.
290
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:17,760
Right, but--
In the year 2020.
291
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,762
I think--
'Cause they thought it'd be a good idea
292
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:22,264
to shoot videos
exclusively for the phone.
293
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:23,474
Alright,
it's recording.
294
00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:24,934
Make sure you get
the background too,
295
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,143
they need to see
all the cool crap in my room.
296
00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:27,686
- You ready?
- Uhh, yeah.
297
00:11:27,686 --> 00:11:30,439
Okay, say "Action."
298
00:11:30,439 --> 00:11:31,899
Say action!
Action.
299
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:34,777
Hey, TwitterWorld, it's your boy
Theo Hornsby here--
300
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,113
Frontman of the legendary
rock band TainT!
301
00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,073
You know, I've had to face
some pretty tough challenges
302
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,783
in my life,
from losing two bandmates
303
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,619
to botched jack hangs to being
bumped from Woodstock '99
304
00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:45,162
for poor results
from my physical.
305
00:11:45,162 --> 00:11:47,748
But I'm here to take on
my toughest challenge yet,
306
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:50,584
"The Royal Cracker Challenge,"
where I'm gonna try and eat
307
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:53,796
an entire box of Royal Crackers
within 10 seconds!
308
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,214
I'm asking y'all to do the same
309
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:57,716
and tag three friends
to take on the crackers!
310
00:11:57,716 --> 00:11:59,718
I challenge
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,
311
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:02,847
Joe Rogan,
and my man Ninja!
312
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:06,642
So without further ado,
let's start the clock!
313
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:13,566
[ Thinking ] Alright, Darby.
314
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,568
Now let's get this will
back to the office,
315
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,653
and we'll have finished
a hard day's work.
316
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:19,363
You should be
proud of yourself.
317
00:12:19,363 --> 00:12:21,949
You don't practice enough
self-love these days.
318
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:24,368
Maybe you should get back
into meditation.
319
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:26,871
Oh, no.
320
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:28,456
No, no, no, no, no.
321
00:12:28,456 --> 00:12:30,833
You know what Burger Boyz
does to your stomach.
322
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:33,169
You're on the clock right now,
not a good idea.
323
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:37,006
Why don't you reward yourself
after you drop the will off?
324
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:40,885
Yeah. That's a good idea.
325
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,970
Yeah, can I get six
Burger Boy Burgers
326
00:12:42,970 --> 00:12:46,056
with extra diarrhe--
er, extra cheese?
327
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,103
Darby Blarchardt's office,
how may I help you?
328
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:53,147
[ Screams ]
329
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,815
Darby,
what is going on!?
330
00:12:54,815 --> 00:12:57,276
Burger Boyz!
That's what!
331
00:12:57,735 --> 00:12:58,861
[ Toilet seat thuds ]
332
00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,613
[ Zipper unzips ]
333
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:01,614
Whew.
334
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,408
Wha-- No, no!
335
00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:07,369
I need something
to read!
336
00:13:07,369 --> 00:13:09,580
Don't you have your phone?
That's not real reading,
337
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:13,792
don't let anyone
tell you otherwise!
338
00:13:13,792 --> 00:13:16,629
God damn it,
I've read these already!
339
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:22,801
Aw, come on!
What the hell, man?
340
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:24,053
Darby: I'm sorry!
341
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:26,555
♪
342
00:13:26,555 --> 00:13:29,141
Al? Rachel?
We called this meeting today
343
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,852
because our company
is in a dire situation.
344
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:33,771
Our current CEO, my father,
345
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,481
has just fallen into
a super-coma.
346
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:36,899
Oh, no.
Oh, no. Not a SuCo!
347
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:38,901
Truth be told,
we just don't think
348
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,778
Theo has it in him
to succeed
349
00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:42,571
with this viral marketing campaign.
350
00:13:42,571 --> 00:13:45,324
It's okay, you made a mistake
voting for him.
351
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:46,909
It's water
under the bridge.
352
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,078
Oh, I think Theo will do
a fine j--
353
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,412
Shut up, Al!
354
00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:52,039
You've entrusted the fate
of this company
355
00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:55,042
to a washed-up rocker
who wouldn't know a viral video
356
00:13:55,042 --> 00:13:57,253
if it bit him
on the dick!
357
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,921
I will have a bidet
358
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:03,259
to wash my asshole out
after I crap.
359
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:06,178
♪
360
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,847
Deb and I have prepared
a presentation
361
00:14:08,847 --> 00:14:10,933
that will lay out
a new marketing campaign
362
00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:14,770
that will rebrand us
for a more successful future.
363
00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:18,107
Years ago, Theodore Hornsby Sr.
started this company
364
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:20,276
with one wheat garden
and a small kitchen
365
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,987
in the back
of a Chinese opium den.
366
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:24,572
He put all his efforts
into crafting
367
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,657
the perfect saltine cracker.
368
00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:28,617
And from that,
he built an empire
369
00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:30,619
that expanded
across the nation.
370
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,788
Sadly,
his mind started to go.
371
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:35,624
He could no longer
keep conscious during meetings.
372
00:14:35,624 --> 00:14:37,334
Innovation stopped.
373
00:14:37,334 --> 00:14:40,170
We stopped trying to understand
the evolving palate of America.
374
00:14:40,170 --> 00:14:42,756
A company that once made
America's favorite saltine
375
00:14:42,756 --> 00:14:45,467
has become a relic
of a bygone era.
376
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:46,677
Until now.
377
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:49,221
We've see our mistakes.
We've listened.
378
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:51,432
Everyone loves
a comeback story.
379
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,517
And this is ours.
380
00:14:53,517 --> 00:14:54,935
Royal Crackers.
381
00:14:54,935 --> 00:14:57,896
It's time for change.
382
00:14:57,896 --> 00:15:00,107
Wonderful!
Just wonderful!
383
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,069
Ugh, great.
384
00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:06,071
Looks like every media outlet
in Bakersfield
385
00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,489
found out about the SuCo.
386
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:10,034
Just look at 'em.
They don't even care about him.
387
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:13,412
Just clamoring for their little
scoop on who the next CEO is.
388
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,955
Heartless vultures.
389
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,999
Yeah, little do they know
they could have just stayed home
390
00:15:16,999 --> 00:15:18,292
and watched our new TV ad.
391
00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:19,835
It would have made it
pretty clear
392
00:15:19,835 --> 00:15:22,171
who's siphoning control from
my father's lifeless hands.
393
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,422
Freakin' vultures.
394
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,673
Five million views,
baby!
395
00:15:24,673 --> 00:15:26,050
That's how many people
have watched
396
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:28,010
The Royal Crackers Challenge!
The what?
397
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,387
Not only are Royal Crackers
sales blowing up,
398
00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:32,181
but I am back in
the spotlight.
399
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:34,266
People everywhere are gonna be
kissin' my butthole
400
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:35,768
for a TainT
reunion tour!
401
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,394
Which, by the way,
will be clean
402
00:15:37,394 --> 00:15:40,230
Because of the butthole washer
in my new master bathroom!
403
00:15:40,230 --> 00:15:43,359
♪
404
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,820
Announcer: This is a breaking
news report from CVM.
405
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,490
Good evening, I'm Clair Bailey
with breaking news--
406
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:52,117
A pandemic of choking deaths
has ravaged the nation
407
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:55,371
after an online video called
"The Royal Crackers Challenge"
408
00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:56,872
went viral this week.
409
00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:59,208
The video was created
by one of two heirs
410
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,751
to the Royal Crackers fortune,
411
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:04,088
former TainT frontman
Theo Hornsby Jr.
412
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:07,549
The video challenges YouTubers
and social media influencers
413
00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:10,094
to eat an entire box
of Royal Crackers
414
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,679
in under 10 seconds.
415
00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,764
What the fuck, dude? She's
talking over the whole thing!
416
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:15,849
Due to the crackers being
borderline inedible
417
00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:18,811
and Hornsby Jr. being
a washed-up laughing stock,
418
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,980
the video quickly became
an ironic viral sensation.
419
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,732
Bro!
Have you seen this video?
420
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:25,818
Who even remembers
the band TainT?
421
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:29,363
This guy is so sad,
you just feel so bad for him!
422
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:30,948
What a joke this guy is!
423
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,409
It was all fun and games
until every video
424
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:35,744
took a turn for the worst.
425
00:16:35,744 --> 00:16:40,499
[ Choking ]
426
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,543
Among the list of
celebrity casualties--
427
00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:47,381
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,
Joe Rogan, and Ninja.
428
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:50,300
Authorities are tight-lipped,
but suggest foreign objects
429
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,761
found in the crackers
may be to blame.
430
00:16:52,761 --> 00:16:56,223
Foreign objects?
What foreign objects?
431
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,267
I can't! I can't!
432
00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:59,268
Ninja!
433
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,603
♪
434
00:17:01,603 --> 00:17:02,938
Hi,
I'm Stebe Hornsby!
435
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:04,398
And I'm Deb Hornsby!
436
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,109
As the CEO in-waiting
and rightful heir
437
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,778
to the Royal Crackers fortune,
we want to give something back.
438
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:12,781
A thank you for allowing us
into your pantries
439
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:14,408
and onto
your dinner tables.
440
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:16,618
So starting this week,
Royal Crackers is tossing
441
00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,580
a handful of loose change
into every box!
442
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:21,248
Think of it as retribution
443
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,834
for not having your support
over the years.
444
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,169
Royal Crackers.
445
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:26,920
There's some fuckin'
change inside.
446
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,130
[ Horse whinnies ]
447
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:31,216
[ Flatline ]
448
00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:36,513
[ Murmuring ]
449
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,642
Welp, I hope you all like
your assholes dirty
450
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,728
because now none of us
are gonna get the bidet.
451
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,104
Who cares, Deb!
452
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:46,231
No one's ever buying a box
of Royal Crackers again!
453
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:47,983
For God's sake,
we killed Ninja!
454
00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:50,194
Hey, guys.
I got here as fast as I could.
455
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:52,321
Do you think I could
talk to him alone?
456
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:53,322
No weird stuff.
457
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,491
Yeah.
Go ahead.
458
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:59,495
♪
459
00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:01,121
Hey, Theo?
460
00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:03,040
Can I ask you a question?
461
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,583
W-Why don't you
ever ask me
462
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,418
to do the Royal Crackers
Secret Handshake?
463
00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:09,296
I don't know. Doesn't seem like
something you'd wanna do.
464
00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,757
I do want to. Badly.
465
00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:13,258
Everyone in our company
looks up to you.
466
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:14,802
You know how much it would mean
to them to see me
467
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:16,428
get to shake hands
with the super cool
468
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:17,846
Theo Hornsby Jr.?
469
00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:19,348
Everyone lights up
when you walk into that room.
470
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,849
That's why we worried
when you got
471
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:22,935
the viral marketing campaign, Theo.
472
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,436
Everyone loves you.
473
00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:27,064
They put up with Stebe.
My husband.
474
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:29,650
But, you guys, I've got years
of stage time.
475
00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:31,819
Honing the craft
of captivating an audience.
476
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:35,155
Don't forget-- I've opened
for Papa Roach, for God's sake.
477
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:37,366
Yeah, that's big.
But you know what?
478
00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,243
I can't run a company
on my own.
479
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,203
That's why
we need each other.
480
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,371
We're sorry, Theo.
481
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:45,582
Come on,
bring it in here, guys.
482
00:18:48,418 --> 00:18:49,837
Mm.
483
00:18:52,005 --> 00:18:56,885
Mm, mm, mm.
484
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:03,475
[ Sighs ]
Mr. Hornsby?
485
00:19:03,475 --> 00:19:06,687
There's no easy way to say this,
so I'll just get right to it.
486
00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,897
I wiped my ass
with your will.
487
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,649
I know that sounds crazy, but...
488
00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:12,860
I was in the midst of
a Burger Boyz shit blizzard.
489
00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:14,736
You know what Burger Boyz
does to my stomach.
490
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:15,904
But I just can't
help myself.
491
00:19:15,904 --> 00:19:17,364
It's just too good.
So shoot me.
492
00:19:17,364 --> 00:19:18,740
Fuckin' kill me.
Call the man.
493
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,284
Anyway,
I had to read something
494
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:23,078
while I was on the toilet,
so I grabbed your will.
495
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:26,290
And I just--
I got mixed up...
496
00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,083
and I wiped
with the wrong paper.
497
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,751
And of course at that point,
498
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:31,920
I had no other choice
but to flush it.
499
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,505
You know what, I blame you
for making it
500
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:36,258
such a compelling read,
you know with the big plot twist
501
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,634
where you sell off
all your assets
502
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,553
and give the money
to Matt.
503
00:19:39,553 --> 00:19:42,097
I'm so sorry,
Mr. Hornsby.
504
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:43,765
Your will is gone.
505
00:19:43,765 --> 00:19:46,310
I guess the board
is just going to have to elect
506
00:19:46,310 --> 00:19:48,812
Stebe or Theo
to CEO...
507
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:52,566
♪
508
00:19:52,566 --> 00:19:56,194
[ Monitor beeping steadily ]
509
00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:58,822
Guys, you are
not gonna believe this.
510
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:06,288
Ladies and gentleman,
this week, as you all know,
511
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,207
our father and acting CEO
of Royal Crackers,
512
00:20:09,207 --> 00:20:12,294
Theodore Hornsby Sr.,
had a tragic accident
513
00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:13,712
and fell into a SuCo.
514
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,298
Under the supervision
of my brother and I,
515
00:20:16,298 --> 00:20:18,425
Royal Crackers was
single-handedly responsible
516
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:21,470
for the deaths of thousands
of influencers across the globe.
517
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,638
It was caused by a lapse
518
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:25,015
in communication
within our company.
519
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:28,018
But more importantly,
our family.
520
00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:30,479
But today, we are here
to announce...
521
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:34,983
that Theodore Hornsby Sr.
is back, alive and well!
522
00:20:34,983 --> 00:20:38,028
As for all the influencers
and YouTube personalities
523
00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:40,447
that are now dead, sorry.
524
00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:42,157
Sorry about that.
You'll just--
525
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,534
You're gonna have to
start over with those.
526
00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:46,370
But!
From this day forth,
527
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:48,622
we, under the supervision
of our father,
528
00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:49,998
will work hand in hand
529
00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:52,459
to right the wrongs
of these last few days.
530
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:56,922
Is that a good enough apology
for you?
531
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,423
- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.
532
00:20:58,423 --> 00:21:02,344
- That works for me, yeah.
- I'm good with that, yeah.
533
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:05,973
Hey, who wants to see the
Royal Crackers Secret Handshake?
534
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:09,184
[Bleep]
[ Reporters gasp ]
535
00:21:09,184 --> 00:21:12,187
[ NuMetal playing ]
536
00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:26,535
♪
537
00:21:26,585 --> 00:21:31,135
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