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The Meaning Of Life - 30th Anniversary
Edition 1983 [H264-mp4] English.
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NARRATOR: In the bleak days
of 1983,
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as England languished in the doldrums
of a ruinous monetarist policy,
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00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:59,101
the good, loyal men of the
Permanent Assurance Company,
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00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:03,773
a once-proud family firm
recently fallen on hard times,
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strained under the yoke of their
oppressive new corporate management.
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MAN: Terrible. Really terrible.
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MAN: Row!
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That's it, Evans. You're fired.
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You heard me. Out.
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Did you hear that?
He's been sacked.
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Sacked?
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Sacked? Come on, boys.
Let's get at 'em.
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[ MEN CLAMORING ]
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MAN: Hey!
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Come on! Come on!
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[ GRUNTING ]
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[ SCREAMING ]
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[ MAN GROANING ]
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MAN: Let me out of here!
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MAN 2: I demand
to see my lawyer!
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[ MEN LAUGHING ]
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Tooley! Come on.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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[ GROANING ]
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[ SCREAMING ]
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Quiet! Silence!
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Now, lads, let's move.
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You, you and you,
break open the weapons.
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You, you and you,
into the rigging.
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And you, put the kettle on.
Aye, sir.
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[ EXCLAIMING ]
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There, there, Charles.
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[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]
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[ SCREAMING ]
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Sorry!
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Come on, Tooley. This way!
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Weigh the anchor!
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Weigh the anchor!
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Weigh the anchor.
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[ BUBBLING ]
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NARRATOR: And so, The
Crimson Permanent Assurance
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was launched upon the high
seas of international finance.
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Come on, boy.
Watch it. Route. Route!
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Cup of tea, dear? Hey, Captain!
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Look! To starboard!
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NARRATOR: There it lay,
the prize they sought.
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Hard to starboard!
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NARRATOR: A financial district swollen
with multinationals, conglomerates,
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and fat, bloated merchant banks.
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All right, lads,
battle stations!
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Come on! Move it! Move it!
Move it!
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[ EXCLAIMING ]
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All right, then. That's enough.
Take cover.
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Down, down! Get down!
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[ SQUEAKING ]
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Down, down.
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[ SHUSHING ]
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[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
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[ BOTH GASPING ]
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Hard to starboard!
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Fire!
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[ MEN EXCLAIMING ]
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[ SCREAMING ]
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Eric! My balance sheets!
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Ross! Get the readouts!
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Stop him! Eric!
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Thanks! MAN: Charge!
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Come on! Grab it!
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No, no! Let me! Let me!
Okay, Kane.
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Cudgelled!
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Gotcha!
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You bastard!
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[ GROANING ]
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[ MAN GRUNTING ]
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Take this.
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[ GROANING ]
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Here. File this.
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Shit!
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[ SCREAMING ]
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NARRATOR: And so, heartened
by their initial success,
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the desperate and reasonably violent
men of The Permanent Assurance
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battled on until,
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as the sun set
slowly in the west,
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the outstanding returns on
their bold business venture
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became apparent.
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Once-proud financial giants
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lay in ruins,
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their assets stripped,
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their policies in tatters.
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CAPTAIN: Full speed ahead,
Mr. Cohen!
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♪ MEN: [ SINGING ] Up, up, up your ♪
♪ premium Up, up, up your premium. ♪
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♪ Scribble away ♪
♪ And balance the books. ♪
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♪ Scribble away ♪
♪ But balance the books. ♪
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♪ It's fun to charter ♪
♪ an accountant. ♪
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♪ And sail the wide accountancy. ♪
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♪ To find, ♪
♪ explore the funds offshore. ♪
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♪ And skirt the shoals ♪
♪ of bankruptcy. ♪
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♪ It can be manly in insurance. ♪
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♪ We'll up your premium ♪
♪ semiannually. ♪
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♪ It's all tax-deductible ♪
♪ We're fairly incorruptible. ♪
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♪ Sailing on the wide accountancy. ♪
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♪ Sail away... NARRATOR: ♪
♪ And so, they sailed off ♪
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♪ Into the ledgers of history, ♪
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♪ One by one, the financial ♪
♪ capitals of the world ♪
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♪ Crumbling under the might ♪
♪ of their business acumen. ♪
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♪ Or so it would have been, ♪
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♪ If certain modern theories ♪
♪ concerning the shape of the world ♪
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♪ Had not proved ♪
♪ to be disastrously wrong. ♪
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Morning. Morning.
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Morning. Morning.
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Morning.
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Morning. Morning.
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Morning. Morning.
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What's new? Not much.
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Morning! Good morning! Morning!
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Morning! Morning!
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Frank was just asking what's new.
Was he?
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Yes.
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Hey, look.
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Howard's being eaten. Ls he?
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Makes you think, doesn't it?
Hmm.
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I mean, what's it all about?
Beats me.
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♪ [ SINGING ] Why are we here. ♪
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♪ What's life all about ♪
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♪ Is God really real. ♪
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♪ Or is there some doubt. ♪
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♪ Well, tonight ♪
♪ we're going to sort it all out. ♪
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♪ For tonight ♪
♪ it's The Meaning of Life. ♪
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♪ What's the point ♪
♪ of all this hoax. ♪
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♪ Is it the chicken ♪
♪ and the egg time. ♪
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♪ Are we just yolks. ♪
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♪ Or perhaps we're just one ♪
♪ of God's little jokes. ♪
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♪ Well, Ga, c'est ♪
♪ Le meaning of life ♪
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♪ Is life just a game. ♪
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♪ Where we make up the rules. ♪
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♪ While we're searching ♪
♪ for something to say. ♪
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♪ Or are we just ♪
♪ simply spiraling coils. ♪
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♪ Of self-replicating DNA. ♪
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♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay ♪
♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay. ♪
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♪ What is life What is our fate ♪
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♪ Is there heaven and hell. ♪
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♪ Do we reincarnate ♪
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♪ Is mankind evolving ♪
♪ or is it too late. ♪
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♪ Well, tonight ♪
♪ here's The Meaning of Life ♪
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[ LIGHTNING CRACKING ]
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♪ For millions. ♪
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♪ This life is a sad vale of tears. ♪
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♪ Sitting round ♪
♪ with really nothing to say. ♪
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♪ While scientists say. ♪
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♪ We're just ♪
♪ simply spiraling coils. ♪
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♪ Of self-replicating DNA. ♪
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♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay, nay, nay ♪
♪ Nay, nay, nay, nay. ♪
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♪ So just why Why are we here. ♪
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♪ And just what. ♪
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♪ What, what, what do we fear. ♪
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♪ Well, Ce sow for a change. ♪
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♪ It will all be made clear. ♪
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♪ For this is The Meaning of Life. ♪
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C'est Le sens de la vie.
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♪ This is The Meaning of Life. ♪
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NARRATOR: Part one.
The miracle of birth.
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One thousand and eight!
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Mrs. Moore's contractions
are more frequent, Doctor.
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Good. Take her into
the fetus frightening room.
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Right.
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Jolly good.
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It's a bit bare in
here today, isn't it?
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Yes. Yes. More apparatus,
please, Nurse.
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The EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV.
Certainly, Doctor.
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And get the machine
that goes "ping."
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And get the most expensive machines
in case the administrator comes.
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That's it. Bring it in. Bring
it right here. Behind me.
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Lovely, lovely.
Jolly good. That's better.
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That's much, much better.
Yes, that's more like it.
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Still something missing, though.
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Hmm? Hmm.
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Patient. Patient, yes.
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Where's the patient? Patient!
Anyone seen the patient?
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[ EXCLAIMS ]
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Here she is. DOCTOR:
Bring it over here.
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Mind the machines!
Sorry, Doctor.
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Come along!
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Come along. Jump on it.
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Hello. Now don't you worry.
We'll soon have you cured.
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Leave it all to us. You'll
never know what hit you.
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Goodbye. Goodbye.
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Drips up. Injections.
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Can I put the tube
in the baby's head?
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Only if I can do the episiotomy.
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Okay. Thank you.
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Legs HP-
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Oh, come in. Come on in, all of you.
That's it. Jolly good.
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Come on. Come along.
Spread round there.
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Who are you? I'm the husband.
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I'm sorry. Only people
involved are allowed in here.
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What do I do? Yes?
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What do I do? Nothing, dear.
You're not qualified.
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Leave it to us. What's that for?
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That's the machine
that goes "ping."
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[ PINGING ]
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You see? That means
your baby is still alive.
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And that's the most expensive
machine in the whole hospital.
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Yes, it cost over three-quarters
of a million pounds.
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Aren't you lucky?
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The administrator
is here, Doctor.
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Switch everything on.
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Morning, gentlemen.
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Morning. Morning, gentlemen.
Morning.
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00:23:07,637 --> 00:23:08,972
MAN 1: Morning, Mr. Pycroft.
MAN 2: Mr. Pycroft.
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Oh, very impressive,
very impressive.
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00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:14,561
And what are you doing this morning?
It's a birth.
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00:23:14,769 --> 00:23:16,771
And what sort of thing is that?
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00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:22,110
Well, that's when we take a new
baby out of a lady's tummy.
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00:23:22,277 --> 00:23:24,397
[ MACHINE PINGING ] Wonderful
what we can do nowadays.
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00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:28,449
I see you have the machine that
goes "ping." This is my favourite.
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00:23:28,825 --> 00:23:31,411
You see, we lease this back
from the company we sold it to,
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00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:36,040
and that way, it comes under the monthly
current budget and not the capital account.
219
00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:44,173
Thank you, thank you. We try to
do our best. Well, do carry on.
220
00:23:45,174 --> 00:23:47,885
Oh, the vulva's dilating, Doctor.
Oh, yes, there's the head.
221
00:23:47,969 --> 00:23:51,097
Yes, four centimetres,
five, six centimetres.
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00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:53,141
Lights!
Amplify the ping machine.
223
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:54,767
Masks up! Suction!
224
00:23:54,851 --> 00:23:57,103
Eyes down for a full house!
225
00:23:57,186 --> 00:23:59,105
Here it comes.
226
00:24:00,898 --> 00:24:03,443
[ BABY CRYING ] And frighten it.
227
00:24:03,526 --> 00:24:07,030
Thank you. And the rough towels!
228
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:11,200
Show it to the mother.
That's enough.
229
00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:13,286
Right. Sedate her.
Number the child.
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00:24:13,369 --> 00:24:15,997
Measure it, blood-type
it and isolate it.
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00:24:16,748 --> 00:24:18,291
Okay, shows over.
232
00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:19,667
[ PEOPLE CHATTERING ]
233
00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:21,794
Is it a boy or a girl?
234
00:24:21,878 --> 00:24:25,798
I think it's a little early to start
imposing roles on it, don't you?
235
00:24:25,882 --> 00:24:28,593
Now, a word of advice. You may find
that you suffer for some time,
236
00:24:28,676 --> 00:24:33,097
a totally irrational feeling of
depression, PND, as we doctors call it.
237
00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:35,433
So, it's lots of
happy pills for you,
238
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,977
and you can find out all about
the birth when you get home.
239
00:24:38,061 --> 00:24:41,773
It's available on BetaMax,
VHS and Super 8.
240
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:46,152
[ MACHINE PINGING ]
241
00:24:46,736 --> 00:24:46,943
NARRATOR: The miracle of birth, part two.
The third world.
242
00:24:46,944 --> 00:24:51,240
NARRATOR: The miracle of birth, part two.
The third world.
243
00:24:54,202 --> 00:24:55,662
[ DOG BARKING ]
244
00:25:01,417 --> 00:25:02,960
[ BIRD CAWING ]
245
00:25:04,462 --> 00:25:06,589
Oh, bloody hell.
246
00:25:10,093 --> 00:25:11,344
[ CRYING ]
247
00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:18,393
Oh, get it, would you, Deidre?
All right, Mum.
248
00:25:25,441 --> 00:25:27,276
[ CHILDREN CHATTERING ]
249
00:25:27,985 --> 00:25:31,322
Now whose teatime is it?
ALL: Mine!
250
00:25:31,406 --> 00:25:33,074
Come on. Out you go.
251
00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:35,952
Now, Vincent, Tessa,
Valerie, Janine,
252
00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:39,372
Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda,
253
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:42,417
Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique
and Sasha, it's your bedtime.
254
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:43,543
[ CHILDREN GROANING ]
255
00:25:43,626 --> 00:25:45,712
Now don't argue!
256
00:25:45,795 --> 00:25:48,381
Laura, Alfred, Nigel,
Annie, Simon, Amanda...
257
00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:53,010
Wait. I've got something
to tell the whole family.
258
00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:56,389
Oh, quick. Go and get
the others in, Gordon.
259
00:25:57,974 --> 00:26:00,977
The mill's closed.
There's no more work.
260
00:26:01,227 --> 00:26:04,564
[ CHILDREN MURMURING ]
We're destitute.
261
00:26:04,647 --> 00:26:08,025
Come in, my little loves. I've got
no option but to sell you all
262
00:26:08,109 --> 00:26:09,736
for scientific experiments.
263
00:26:12,155 --> 00:26:14,699
No, no, that's the way it is,
my loves.
264
00:26:14,824 --> 00:26:16,033
Blame the Catholic Church
265
00:26:16,117 --> 00:26:18,286
for not letting me wear one of
those little rubber things.
266
00:26:18,369 --> 00:26:21,080
Oh, they've done some wonderful
things in their time.
267
00:26:21,164 --> 00:26:25,001
They've preserved the might and majesty,
even mystery of the Church of Rome,
268
00:26:25,460 --> 00:26:30,006
and the sanctity of the sacrament, the
indivisible oneness of the Trinity,
269
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:32,216
but if they'd let me wear one
of those little rubber things
270
00:26:32,300 --> 00:26:33,843
on the end of my cock,
271
00:26:33,926 --> 00:26:36,345
we wouldn't be in the mess
we are now.
272
00:26:36,429 --> 00:26:40,433
Couldn't Mummy have worn
some sort of pessary?
273
00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,768
Not if we're going
to remain members
274
00:26:41,851 --> 00:26:44,145
of the fastest-growing
religion in the world, my boy.
275
00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:48,816
He's right.
You see, we believe...
276
00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:50,860
Well, let me put it like this.
277
00:26:51,068 --> 00:26:53,488
♪ [ SINGING ] ♪
♪ There are Jews in the world. ♪
278
00:26:53,571 --> 00:26:55,531
♪ There are Buddhists. ♪
279
00:26:55,656 --> 00:27:00,077
♪ There are Hindus ♪
♪ and Mormons and then. ♪
280
00:27:00,453 --> 00:27:03,581
♪ There are those ♪
♪ that follow Mohammed. ♪
281
00:27:03,664 --> 00:27:09,212
♪ But I've never been one of them. ♪
282
00:27:11,422 --> 00:27:14,217
♪ I'm a Roman Catholic. ♪
283
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:17,762
♪ And have been since ♪
♪ before I was born. ♪
284
00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:21,140
♪ And the one thing ♪
♪ they say about Catholics ♪
285
00:27:21,224 --> 00:27:25,269
♪ Is they'll take you ♪
♪ as soon as you're warm. ♪
286
00:27:25,353 --> 00:27:28,815
♪ You don't have ♪
♪ to be a six-footer. ♪
287
00:27:28,898 --> 00:27:32,401
♪ You don't have to ♪
♪ have a great brain. ♪
288
00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:35,780
♪ You don't have to ♪
♪ have any clothes on. ♪
289
00:27:35,863 --> 00:27:40,117
♪ You're a Catholic ♪
♪ the moment Dad came. ♪
290
00:27:40,785 --> 00:27:43,663
♪ Because. ♪
291
00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:48,376
♪ Every sperm is sacred. ♪
292
00:27:48,459 --> 00:27:53,005
♪ Every sperm is great. ♪
293
00:27:53,089 --> 00:27:57,426
♪ If a sperm is wasted. ♪
294
00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:00,888
♪ God gets quite irate. ♪
295
00:28:02,265 --> 00:28:06,227
♪ CHILDREN: [ SINGING ] ♪
♪ Every sperm is sacred. ♪
296
00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:10,481
♪ Every sperm is great. ♪
297
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:15,152
♪ If a sperm is wasted. ♪
298
00:28:15,236 --> 00:28:19,574
♪ God gets quite irate. ♪
299
00:28:19,907 --> 00:28:23,870
♪ Let the heathens spill theirs. ♪
300
00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:28,249
♪ On the dusty ground. ♪
301
00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:31,460
♪ God shall make them pay. ♪
302
00:28:31,794 --> 00:28:36,716
♪ For each sperm ♪
♪ that can't be found. ♪
303
00:28:36,799 --> 00:28:41,345
♪ Every sperm is wanted. ♪
304
00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:45,433
♪ Every sperm is good. ♪
305
00:28:45,516 --> 00:28:49,896
♪ Every sperm is needed. ♪
306
00:28:49,979 --> 00:28:54,066
♪ In your neighbourhood. ♪
307
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:57,612
♪ Hindu, Taoist, Mormon. ♪
308
00:28:57,987 --> 00:29:01,407
♪ Spill theirs just anywhere. ♪
309
00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:05,369
♪ But God loves those who treat. ♪
310
00:29:05,453 --> 00:29:09,832
♪ Their semen with more care. ♪
311
00:29:10,207 --> 00:29:14,253
♪ Every sperm is sacred. ♪
312
00:29:14,337 --> 00:29:17,673
♪ Every sperm is great. ♪
313
00:29:18,007 --> 00:29:22,094
♪ If a sperm is wasted. ♪
314
00:29:22,178 --> 00:29:25,640
♪ God gets quite irate. ♪
315
00:29:25,723 --> 00:29:29,685
♪ Every sperm is sacred. ♪
316
00:29:30,061 --> 00:29:33,606
♪ Every sperm is good ♪
♪ Every sperm is good. ♪
317
00:29:33,689 --> 00:29:37,360
♪ Every sperm is needed. ♪
318
00:29:37,652 --> 00:29:41,447
♪ MEN: In your neighbourhood. ♪
319
00:29:41,530 --> 00:29:45,201
♪ Every sperm is useful. ♪
320
00:29:45,368 --> 00:29:49,121
♪ Every sperm is fine. ♪
321
00:29:49,205 --> 00:29:52,792
♪ God needs everybody's. ♪
322
00:29:53,209 --> 00:29:54,502
♪ Mine And mine. ♪
323
00:29:54,585 --> 00:29:56,420
♪ And mine. ♪
324
00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:15,439
♪ Let the pagans spill theirs. ♪
325
00:30:15,523 --> 00:30:19,527
♪ O'er mountain, hill and plain. ♪
326
00:30:19,610 --> 00:30:22,488
♪ God shall strike them down. ♪
327
00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:26,867
♪ For each sperm ♪
♪ that's spilt in vain. ♪
328
00:30:27,243 --> 00:30:31,080
♪ Every sperm is sacred. ♪
329
00:30:31,163 --> 00:30:34,917
♪ Every sperm is good. ♪
330
00:30:35,001 --> 00:30:38,713
♪ Every sperm is needed. ♪
331
00:30:38,796 --> 00:30:42,258
♪ In your neighbourhood. ♪
332
00:30:42,383 --> 00:30:46,012
♪ Every sperm is sacred. ♪
333
00:30:46,137 --> 00:30:49,849
♪ Every sperm is great. ♪
334
00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:53,519
♪ If a sperm is wasted. ♪
335
00:30:53,936 --> 00:30:55,855
♪ God gets. ♪
336
00:30:55,938 --> 00:31:01,777
♪ Quite irate ♪
337
00:31:01,861 --> 00:31:03,529
[ PEOPLE WHOOPING ]
338
00:31:07,158 --> 00:31:09,618
So you see my problem,
little ones.
339
00:31:09,702 --> 00:31:11,662
I can't keep you all here
any longer.
340
00:31:11,746 --> 00:31:13,581
BOY: Speak up!
341
00:31:13,664 --> 00:31:16,333
I can't keep you all here
any longer!
342
00:31:16,792 --> 00:31:21,005
God has blessed us so much I can't
afford to feed you any-more.
343
00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:22,923
Couldn't you have
your balls cut off?
344
00:31:24,133 --> 00:31:27,511
It's not as simple as that, Nigel.
God knows all.
345
00:31:27,595 --> 00:31:29,638
He'd see through
such a cheap trick.
346
00:31:29,722 --> 00:31:32,725
What we do to ourselves,
we do to Him.
347
00:31:32,808 --> 00:31:35,144
You could have had them
pulled off in an accident.
348
00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:36,979
[ CHILDREN CLAMORING ]
349
00:31:37,354 --> 00:31:39,398
No. Children, I know
you're trying to help,
350
00:31:39,482 --> 00:31:41,692
but believe me,
me mind's made up.
351
00:31:41,776 --> 00:31:44,737
I've given this long
and careful thought,
352
00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:47,573
and it has to be medical
experiments for the lot of you.
353
00:31:47,656 --> 00:31:49,325
[ CHILDREN GROANING ]
354
00:31:51,077 --> 00:31:54,288
♪ [ SINGING SADLY ] ♪
♪ Every sperm is sacred. ♪
355
00:31:55,456 --> 00:32:00,127
♪ Every sperm is great. ♪
356
00:32:01,587 --> 00:32:04,799
Look at them. Bloody Catholics.
Filling the bloody world up
357
00:32:04,882 --> 00:32:08,385
with bloody people they can't
afford to bloody feed.
358
00:32:08,511 --> 00:32:13,015
What are we, dear? Protestant,
and fiercely proud of it.
359
00:32:13,099 --> 00:32:15,810
Well, why do they have
so many children?
360
00:32:15,893 --> 00:32:19,855
Because every time they have sexual
intercourse, they have to have a baby.
361
00:32:19,980 --> 00:32:23,109
But it's the same with us, Harry.
What do you mean?
362
00:32:23,192 --> 00:32:25,402
Well, I mean
we've got two children,
363
00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:28,030
and we've had
sexual intercourse twice.
364
00:32:28,114 --> 00:32:31,408
That's not the point. We could
have it any time we wanted.
365
00:32:31,492 --> 00:32:33,577
Really?
Oh, yes. And what's more,
366
00:32:33,661 --> 00:32:36,038
because we don't believe
in all that Papist claptrap,
367
00:32:36,122 --> 00:32:38,082
we can take precautions.
368
00:32:38,207 --> 00:32:40,084
What, you mean lock the door?
369
00:32:40,167 --> 00:32:44,505
No, no. I mean because we are members
of the Protestant Reformed Church,
370
00:32:44,588 --> 00:32:46,465
which successfully challenged
the autocratic power
371
00:32:46,549 --> 00:32:48,634
of the Papacy
in the mid-sixteenth century,
372
00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:51,679
we can wear little rubber
devices to prevent issue.
373
00:32:51,762 --> 00:32:52,805
What do you mean?
374
00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:55,766
I could, if I wanted, have
sexual intercourse with you.
375
00:32:55,850 --> 00:32:57,059
Oh, yes, Harry.
376
00:32:57,143 --> 00:32:59,687
And by wearing a rubber sheath
over my old fellow,
377
00:32:59,854 --> 00:33:03,357
I could ensure that when I came
off, you would not be impregnated.
378
00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:07,069
Ooh! That's what being a
Protestants all about.
379
00:33:07,153 --> 00:33:08,654
That's why
it's the church for me.
380
00:33:08,737 --> 00:33:10,177
That's why
it's the church for anyone
381
00:33:10,239 --> 00:33:13,409
who respects the individual
and the individual's right
382
00:33:13,576 --> 00:33:15,578
to decide for him or herself.
383
00:33:15,661 --> 00:33:20,124
When Martin Luther nailed his protest
up to the church door in 1517,
384
00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:23,252
he may not have realized the full
significance of what he was doing
385
00:33:23,419 --> 00:33:26,422
but 400 years later,
thanks to him, my dear,
386
00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:29,300
I can wear whatever I want
on my John Thomas.
387
00:33:29,592 --> 00:33:33,429
And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh, no!
388
00:33:33,554 --> 00:33:36,140
I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
You what?
389
00:33:36,223 --> 00:33:39,393
French Ticklers, Black
Mambos, Crocodile Ribs...
390
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:42,188
Sheaths that are designed
not only to protect,
391
00:33:42,271 --> 00:33:45,733
but also to enhance the
stimulation of sexual congress.
392
00:33:45,900 --> 00:33:48,694
Have you got one?
Have I got one? Well, no,
393
00:33:48,777 --> 00:33:51,947
but I can go down the road any-time
I want and walk into Harry's
394
00:33:52,031 --> 00:33:55,034
and hold my head up high and
say, in a loud, steady voice,
395
00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,661
"Harry, I want you
to sell me a condom."
396
00:33:57,745 --> 00:34:01,624
"In fact, today I think I'll have a
French Tickler, for I am a Protestant."
397
00:34:01,916 --> 00:34:04,501
Well, why don't you?
But they, they cannot,
398
00:34:04,585 --> 00:34:07,880
because their church never made the
great leap out of the Middle Ages
399
00:34:07,963 --> 00:34:11,175
and the domination
of alien Episcopal supremacy.
400
00:34:11,258 --> 00:34:12,968
NARRATOR 2: But despite the
attempts of Protestants
401
00:34:13,052 --> 00:34:15,804
to promote the idea
of sex for pleasure,
402
00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:19,058
children continue
to multiply everywhere.
403
00:34:20,142 --> 00:34:24,813
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part two.
Growth and learning.
404
00:34:25,689 --> 00:34:31,153
INSTRUCTOR: And spotteth twice they
the camels before the third hour.
405
00:34:31,362 --> 00:34:34,990
And so the Midianites
went forth to Ram Gilead,
406
00:34:35,199 --> 00:34:37,451
in Kadesh Bilgemath,
407
00:34:37,534 --> 00:34:39,620
by Shot Ethra Regalion,
408
00:34:39,703 --> 00:34:44,083
to the house of
Gash-Bil-Bethuel-Bazda,
409
00:34:44,166 --> 00:34:46,877
he who brought the butter dish
to Balshazar,
410
00:34:46,961 --> 00:34:50,422
and the tent peg
to the house of Rashomon,
411
00:34:50,506 --> 00:34:53,425
and there, slew they the goats,
412
00:34:53,509 --> 00:34:59,014
yea, and placed they
the bits in little pots.
413
00:35:00,057 --> 00:35:02,059
Here endeth the lesson.
414
00:35:02,142 --> 00:35:04,061
Let us praise God.
415
00:35:09,024 --> 00:35:12,653
O Lord. ALL: O Lord.
416
00:35:13,696 --> 00:35:16,240
Ooh! You are so big.
417
00:35:16,532 --> 00:35:19,118
ALL: Ooh! You are so big.
418
00:35:19,201 --> 00:35:22,121
So absolutely huge.
419
00:35:22,246 --> 00:35:26,292
ALL: So absolutely huge.
420
00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:31,505
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell You.
421
00:35:31,755 --> 00:35:36,302
Gosh, we're all really impressed
down here, I can tell you.
422
00:35:36,385 --> 00:35:41,015
Forgive us, O Lord, for this,
our dreadful toadying.
423
00:35:41,557 --> 00:35:44,518
ALL: And barefaced flattery.
424
00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:46,812
But you're so strong,
425
00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:50,482
and, well, just so super.
426
00:35:50,566 --> 00:35:53,027
ALL: Fantastic.
427
00:35:53,444 --> 00:35:55,529
Amen, Reverend. Amen.
428
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:58,907
Now two boys have been found
rubbing linseed oil
429
00:35:58,991 --> 00:36:01,035
into the school cormorant.
430
00:36:02,161 --> 00:36:05,873
Now some of you may feel that the
cormorant does not play an important part
431
00:36:05,956 --> 00:36:08,125
in the life of the school,
but I would remind you
432
00:36:08,542 --> 00:36:12,755
that it was presented to us by the
corporation of the town of Sudbury,
433
00:36:13,047 --> 00:36:15,758
to commemorate Empire Day,
when we try to remember
434
00:36:15,841 --> 00:36:18,594
the names of all those
from the Sudbury area,
435
00:36:18,761 --> 00:36:21,680
who so gallantly
gave their lives
436
00:36:21,764 --> 00:36:24,183
to keep China British.
437
00:36:24,266 --> 00:36:28,771
So from now on, the cormorant
is strictly out of bounds!
438
00:36:31,273 --> 00:36:33,442
Oh, and, Jenkins,
439
00:36:33,525 --> 00:36:36,070
apparently, your mother
died this morning.
440
00:36:36,153 --> 00:36:38,405
Chaplain.
441
00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:45,371
♪ ALL: [ SINGING ] ♪
♪ O Lord, please don't burn us. ♪
442
00:36:45,454 --> 00:36:49,541
♪ Don't grill or toast Your flock. ♪
443
00:36:49,625 --> 00:36:53,879
♪ Don't put us on the barbecue. ♪
444
00:36:53,962 --> 00:36:58,384
♪ Or simmer us in stock. ♪
445
00:36:58,467 --> 00:37:02,054
♪ Don't braise or bake or boil us. ♪
446
00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:06,183
♪ Or stir-fry us in a wok. ♪
447
00:37:07,476 --> 00:37:11,355
♪ Oh, please don't ♪
♪ lightly poach us. ♪
448
00:37:11,814 --> 00:37:15,943
♪ Or baste us with hot fat. ♪
449
00:37:16,026 --> 00:37:16,275
♪ Don't fricassee or roast us. ♪
450
00:37:16,276 --> 00:37:20,447
♪ Don't fricassee or roast us. ♪
451
00:37:20,531 --> 00:37:24,910
♪ Or boil us in a vat. ♪
452
00:37:24,993 --> 00:37:29,415
♪ And please don't ♪
♪ stick thy servants, Lord. ♪
453
00:37:29,498 --> 00:37:33,335
♪ In a Rotissomat ♪
454
00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:38,966
[ BELL RINGING ]
455
00:37:39,550 --> 00:37:40,634
He's coming!
456
00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:42,302
[ ALL CLAMORING ]
457
00:37:48,058 --> 00:37:50,477
All right, settle down,
settle down.
458
00:37:52,187 --> 00:37:55,023
Now, before I begin the
lesson, will those of you
459
00:37:55,149 --> 00:37:57,985
who are playing in the match this
afternoon move your clothes down
460
00:37:58,068 --> 00:38:00,946
onto the lower peg
immediately after lunch,
461
00:38:01,029 --> 00:38:02,448
before you write
your letter home,
462
00:38:02,531 --> 00:38:05,284
if you're not getting your hair out,
unless you've got a younger brother,
463
00:38:05,367 --> 00:38:07,911
who's going out this weekend as the
guest of another boy, in which case,
464
00:38:07,995 --> 00:38:09,705
collect his note before lunch,
465
00:38:09,788 --> 00:38:11,999
put it in your letter after
you have had your haircut,
466
00:38:12,082 --> 00:38:15,085
and make sure he moves your clothes
down onto the lower peg for you.
467
00:38:15,169 --> 00:38:16,211
Now... Sir?
468
00:38:16,545 --> 00:38:17,545
Yes, Wymer?
469
00:38:17,588 --> 00:38:19,798
My younger brother's going out
with Dibble this weekend, sir.
470
00:38:19,882 --> 00:38:22,634
But I'm not having my hair out
today, so do I move my clothes...
471
00:38:22,718 --> 00:38:26,013
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer.
It's perfectly simple.
472
00:38:26,096 --> 00:38:27,598
If you're not
getting your hair cut,
473
00:38:27,681 --> 00:38:30,361
you don't have to move your brother's
clothes down to the lower peg.
474
00:38:30,392 --> 00:38:33,145
You simply collect his note
before lunch,
475
00:38:33,228 --> 00:38:35,063
after you've done
your scripture prep,
476
00:38:35,147 --> 00:38:37,733
when you've written
your letter home before rest,
477
00:38:37,816 --> 00:38:39,902
move your own clothes
onto the lower peg,
478
00:38:40,027 --> 00:38:42,154
greet the visitors
and report to Mr. Viney
479
00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:43,906
that you've had
your chit signed.
480
00:38:45,699 --> 00:38:47,576
Now, sex.
481
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:53,457
Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
482
00:38:57,586 --> 00:38:59,379
Well, had I got as far as
483
00:38:59,463 --> 00:39:03,217
the penis entering the vagina?
484
00:39:06,595 --> 00:39:08,889
No, sir. No, sir. No, sir.
485
00:39:09,515 --> 00:39:11,433
Well, had I done foreplay?
486
00:39:14,811 --> 00:39:15,812
STUDENTS: Yes, sir.
487
00:39:15,896 --> 00:39:19,191
Ah. Well, as we all know
all about foreplay,
488
00:39:19,274 --> 00:39:23,570
no doubt you can tell me what
the purpose of foreplay is.
489
00:39:24,613 --> 00:39:26,198
Biggs.
490
00:39:30,244 --> 00:39:32,287
Don't know. Sorry, sir.
491
00:39:32,538 --> 00:39:33,789
Carter?
492
00:39:34,498 --> 00:39:38,377
Oh, was it taking
your clothes off, sir?
493
00:39:39,795 --> 00:39:41,463
Well, and after that?
494
00:39:42,172 --> 00:39:44,550
Oh, putting them
on a lower peg, sir.
495
00:39:46,802 --> 00:39:51,139
The purpose of foreplay is to
cause the vagina to lubricate,
496
00:39:51,223 --> 00:39:54,977
so that the penis
can penetrate more easily.
497
00:39:55,352 --> 00:39:56,952
Could we have a window open,
please, sir?
498
00:39:57,020 --> 00:39:58,605
Yes. Harris, will you?
499
00:39:58,689 --> 00:40:01,316
And, of course, to cause
the man's penis to erect
500
00:40:01,441 --> 00:40:03,735
and harden.
501
00:40:04,361 --> 00:40:05,696
[ INHALING ]
502
00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:10,075
Now, did I do
vaginal juices last week?
503
00:40:10,158 --> 00:40:11,910
Oh, do pay attention, Wadsworth!
504
00:40:11,994 --> 00:40:14,204
I know it's Friday. Watching
the football, are you?
505
00:40:14,288 --> 00:40:17,541
Boy, move over there.
I'm warning you.
506
00:40:18,000 --> 00:40:20,711
I may decide
to set an exam this term.
507
00:40:20,836 --> 00:40:22,921
Oh, sir! Sir!
508
00:40:23,005 --> 00:40:25,215
So just listen.
509
00:40:27,217 --> 00:40:30,470
Now did I or did I not
510
00:40:30,554 --> 00:40:33,682
do vaginal juices?
511
00:40:34,182 --> 00:40:35,434
STUDENTS: Yes, sir.
512
00:40:35,517 --> 00:40:39,688
Name two ways of getting them
flowing, Watson.
513
00:40:40,522 --> 00:40:42,107
Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
514
00:40:46,236 --> 00:40:49,364
What's wrong
with a kiss, boy? Hmm?
515
00:40:49,448 --> 00:40:52,618
Why not start her off
with a nice kiss?
516
00:40:52,784 --> 00:40:54,369
You don't have to go leaping
517
00:40:54,453 --> 00:40:56,455
straight for the clitoris
like a bull at a gate.
518
00:40:56,538 --> 00:40:58,874
Give her a kiss, boy.
519
00:41:00,083 --> 00:41:03,211
Suck the nipple, sir?
Good, good. Well done, Wymer.
520
00:41:03,295 --> 00:41:05,631
Stroking the thighs, sir?
Yes, yes.
521
00:41:05,714 --> 00:41:07,633
I suppose so. Biting the neck.
522
00:41:07,716 --> 00:41:09,801
Yes, good. Nibbling the earlobe,
523
00:41:09,885 --> 00:41:12,554
kneading the buttocks
and so on and so forth.
524
00:41:12,638 --> 00:41:14,890
So we have
all these possibilities,
525
00:41:15,057 --> 00:41:19,227
before we stampede
towards the clitoris, Watson.
526
00:41:19,686 --> 00:41:21,480
Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
527
00:41:21,563 --> 00:41:24,733
Now, all these forms
of stimulation
528
00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:27,277
can now take place.
529
00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:38,789
And, of course, tonguing
will give you the best idea
530
00:41:39,039 --> 00:41:42,584
of how the juices
are coming along.
531
00:41:42,668 --> 00:41:46,296
Helen?
Now, penetration and coitus,
532
00:41:46,380 --> 00:41:50,425
that is to say intercourse
up to and including orgasm.
533
00:41:51,635 --> 00:41:56,264
Ah, hello, dear. Do stand up when
my wife enters the room, Carter.
534
00:41:56,348 --> 00:41:57,974
Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.
535
00:41:58,058 --> 00:41:59,685
HELEN: Humphrey, I hope
you don't mind.
536
00:41:59,768 --> 00:42:02,229
I told the Garfields we would
dine with them tonight.
537
00:42:02,312 --> 00:42:04,189
Yes, yes, well,
I suppose we must.
538
00:42:04,272 --> 00:42:06,108
I said we'd be there by 8:00.
539
00:42:06,274 --> 00:42:08,985
At least it'll give me a reason
to wind up the staff meeting.
540
00:42:09,277 --> 00:42:11,947
I know you don't like them, but
I couldn't make another excuse.
541
00:42:12,030 --> 00:42:13,824
It's just that I felt...
542
00:42:14,825 --> 00:42:18,078
Wymer, this is for your benefit.
543
00:42:18,161 --> 00:42:20,288
Would you kindly wake up?
544
00:42:20,664 --> 00:42:23,291
I've no intention of going
through this all again.
545
00:42:34,136 --> 00:42:37,389
We'll take the foreplay as
read, if you don't mind, dear.
546
00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:38,592
No, of course not, Humphrey.
547
00:42:38,640 --> 00:42:43,145
So, the man starts by entering
or mounting his good lady wife,
548
00:42:43,228 --> 00:42:45,021
in the standard way.
549
00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:50,277
The penis is now, as you will
observe, more or less fully erect.
550
00:42:50,444 --> 00:42:52,821
There we are, that's better.
551
00:42:52,946 --> 00:42:55,115
Now, Carter.
552
00:42:55,490 --> 00:42:57,659
Yes, sir? What is it?
553
00:42:59,244 --> 00:43:02,664
It's an ocarina, sir.
Bring it up here.
554
00:43:03,290 --> 00:43:07,252
The man now starts making thrusting
movements with his pelvic area,
555
00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:10,255
moving the penis up and down
inside the vagina.
556
00:43:10,338 --> 00:43:14,217
Put it there, boy.
Put it there on the table.
557
00:43:14,301 --> 00:43:18,263
While the wife maximizes her clitoral
stimulation by the shaft of the penis,
558
00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:20,098
by pushing forward.
559
00:43:20,223 --> 00:43:21,516
Thank you, dear.
560
00:43:23,852 --> 00:43:25,937
What's funny, Biggs?
561
00:43:26,897 --> 00:43:27,939
Oh, nothing, sir.
562
00:43:28,023 --> 00:43:30,358
Do, please, share your little
joke with the rest of us.
563
00:43:30,484 --> 00:43:33,278
I mean, obviously, something
frightfully funny's going on.
564
00:43:33,361 --> 00:43:34,571
No, honestly, sir.
565
00:43:34,654 --> 00:43:35,989
Well, as it's so funny,
566
00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:39,367
I think you'd better be selected
to play for the boys' team,
567
00:43:39,701 --> 00:43:42,078
in the rugby match against
the masters this afternoon.
568
00:43:43,205 --> 00:43:44,748
Oh, no, sir!
569
00:43:47,709 --> 00:43:49,211
[ MEN CHEERING ]
570
00:43:54,216 --> 00:43:57,135
MAN: Come on, Buster!
571
00:44:02,641 --> 00:44:04,017
[ SCREAMING ]
572
00:44:04,434 --> 00:44:07,062
Well played, well played.
573
00:44:07,521 --> 00:44:08,772
[ GROANS ]
574
00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:13,735
[ BOYS GROANING ]
575
00:44:19,658 --> 00:44:21,201
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
576
00:44:27,624 --> 00:44:28,959
[ GROANING ]
577
00:44:36,758 --> 00:44:38,260
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
578
00:45:17,090 --> 00:45:18,466
[ GUNS FIRING ]
579
00:45:23,847 --> 00:45:25,724
[ INDISTINCT CHATTERING ]
580
00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:27,142
[ GUNFIRE ]
581
00:45:27,434 --> 00:45:28,810
[ EXPLOSIONS ]
582
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:34,691
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part three.
Fighting each other.
583
00:45:40,614 --> 00:45:43,825
Okay, Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters,
you take the buggers on the left flank.
584
00:45:43,950 --> 00:45:45,830
Hordern, Spadger and I
will go for the gun post.
585
00:45:45,869 --> 00:45:46,912
Hang on, 68.
586
00:45:46,995 --> 00:45:49,748
You'll never make it, let us come with you.
Do as you're told, man.
587
00:45:49,831 --> 00:45:52,500
Righto, Skipper. Oh, sir, sir?
588
00:45:52,709 --> 00:45:55,670
[ STAMMERING ] If we
don't meet again, sir.
589
00:45:55,921 --> 00:46:00,425
I'd just like to say it's been a real
privilege fighting alongside you, sir.
590
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:03,929
Yes, well, this is hardly the time
or place for a goodbye speech, eh?
591
00:46:04,012 --> 00:46:08,725
Me and the lads realize that, sir, but,
well, we may never meet again, so...
592
00:46:08,934 --> 00:46:10,602
Yes, all right, Blackitt.
Thanks a lot.
593
00:46:10,685 --> 00:46:11,770
No, just a moment, sir.
594
00:46:11,853 --> 00:46:14,940
Me and the lads, we've had
a little whip-around, sir.
595
00:46:15,190 --> 00:46:19,027
We've bought you something, sir.
We bought you this, sir.
596
00:46:19,861 --> 00:46:22,948
Oh! Well, it...
I don't know what to say.
597
00:46:23,031 --> 00:46:27,410
It's a lovely thought. Thank you.
Thank you all.
598
00:46:27,494 --> 00:46:29,496
But I think
we'd better get to cover...
599
00:46:29,579 --> 00:46:30,997
[ EXPLOSIONS ]
600
00:46:31,539 --> 00:46:35,502
We've got something else
for you as well, sir.
601
00:46:35,585 --> 00:46:38,338
Sorry it's another clock, sir,
only there was a bit of a mix-up.
602
00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:40,757
Walters thought
he was buying a present
603
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,385
and Spadger and I had
already got the other one.
604
00:46:44,010 --> 00:46:46,346
Well, it's beautiful,
they're both beautiful.
605
00:46:46,429 --> 00:46:47,722
[ GUN FIRING ]
606
00:46:48,848 --> 00:46:50,558
I think we'd better
get to cover now.
607
00:46:50,642 --> 00:46:52,268
I'll thank you properly
later on.
608
00:46:52,352 --> 00:46:54,396
Corporal Sturridge got this
for you as well, sir.
609
00:46:54,479 --> 00:46:56,481
He didn't know about the others.
610
00:46:56,564 --> 00:46:59,484
It's Swiss. Well, now, that
is thoughtful, Sturridge.
611
00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:01,987
Good man.
And there's a card, sir.
612
00:47:02,112 --> 00:47:05,907
From all of us,
sorry about the blood, sir.
613
00:47:06,241 --> 00:47:07,242
Thank you all.
614
00:47:07,325 --> 00:47:10,370
Squad! Three cheers
for Captain Biggs.
615
00:47:10,453 --> 00:47:11,830
Hip, hip. ALL: Hooray!
616
00:47:11,913 --> 00:47:13,581
Hip, hip. Hooray!
617
00:47:13,707 --> 00:47:15,458
[ GUN FIRING ] Hip, hip...
618
00:47:15,542 --> 00:47:17,043
Blackitt! Blackitt!
619
00:47:17,127 --> 00:47:20,005
I'll be all right, sir. There's
just one other thing, sir.
620
00:47:20,130 --> 00:47:22,465
Spadgen give him the check.
Oh, yeah.
621
00:47:22,549 --> 00:47:24,634
Oh, no, this is
really going too far.
622
00:47:24,884 --> 00:47:28,179
I don't seem to be able to find it,
sir, be in number four trench.
623
00:47:28,263 --> 00:47:30,432
For Christ's sake,
forget it, man.
624
00:47:31,933 --> 00:47:34,269
You shouldn't
have said that, sir.
625
00:47:35,103 --> 00:47:36,730
You've hurt his feelings, now.
626
00:47:36,813 --> 00:47:38,648
Don't mind me, Spadge.
627
00:47:38,773 --> 00:47:43,236
Toffs is all the same. One minute,
it's all please and thank you.
628
00:47:43,445 --> 00:47:46,448
The next, they'll kick
you in the teeth. Yeah.
629
00:47:46,531 --> 00:47:49,576
Let's not give him the cake.
I don't want any cake.
630
00:47:49,659 --> 00:47:52,203
Look, Blaokitt cooked it
especially for you, you bastard.
631
00:47:52,287 --> 00:47:54,831
Yeah, he saved his rations
for six weeks, sir.
632
00:47:54,956 --> 00:47:56,291
I don't mean to be ungrateful.
633
00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:58,334
[ GUN FIRING ]
I'll be all right...
634
00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:01,004
Blackie! Blackie!
635
00:48:01,087 --> 00:48:04,883
Look at him! He worked on that cake
like no one else I've ever known.
636
00:48:04,966 --> 00:48:06,806
Some nights it was so cold
we could hardly move
637
00:48:06,843 --> 00:48:08,219
but Blackitt would be out there,
638
00:48:08,303 --> 00:48:11,222
slicing the lemons,
mixing the sugar and almonds.
639
00:48:11,306 --> 00:48:15,435
I mean, you try getting butter to
melt at 15 degrees below zero.
640
00:48:15,518 --> 00:48:20,648
There's love in that cake, this man's
love and this man's care and...
641
00:48:20,732 --> 00:48:22,108
[ GUN FIRING ]
642
00:48:22,484 --> 00:48:25,820
Oh, my Christ! You bastard.
643
00:48:27,322 --> 00:48:30,992
All right, we will eat the cake.
They're right.
644
00:48:31,159 --> 00:48:33,578
It's too good a cake not to eat.
645
00:48:33,661 --> 00:48:35,021
Get the plates
and knives, Walters.
646
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,331
Yes, sir. How many plates?
647
00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:37,582
Six.
648
00:48:37,665 --> 00:48:39,042
[ GUN FIRING ]
649
00:48:39,584 --> 00:48:42,295
Oh, better make it five.
Tablecloth, sir?
650
00:48:42,378 --> 00:48:44,839
Yes, get the tablecloth.
651
00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:47,884
No, no, I'll get the tablecloth.
652
00:48:47,967 --> 00:48:49,552
You better get
the gate leg table, Hordern.
653
00:48:49,636 --> 00:48:50,929
[ GUN FIRING ]
654
00:48:51,012 --> 00:48:53,181
And the little lamp, sir? Yes.
655
00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,892
Oh, and while you're at it,
you'd better get a doily.
656
00:48:55,975 --> 00:48:58,019
I'll bring two, sir,
in case one gets crumpled.
657
00:48:58,103 --> 00:48:59,437
Okay!
658
00:49:03,066 --> 00:49:06,611
But, of course, warfare isn't all fun.
Right. Stop that.
659
00:49:06,861 --> 00:49:08,581
It's all very well
to laugh at the military,
660
00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:10,615
but when one considers
the meaning of life,
661
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:14,327
it is a struggle between alternative
viewpoints of life itself.
662
00:49:14,536 --> 00:49:17,205
Without the ability to
defend one's own viewpoint,
663
00:49:17,288 --> 00:49:19,624
against other perhaps
more aggressive ideologies,
664
00:49:19,749 --> 00:49:23,753
then reasonableness and moderation
could quite simply disappear.
665
00:49:24,462 --> 00:49:27,048
That is why we'll
always need an army.
666
00:49:27,132 --> 00:49:29,634
May God strike me down
were it to be otherwise.
667
00:49:34,222 --> 00:49:36,307
Don't stand there gawping,
668
00:49:36,391 --> 00:49:39,102
like you've never seen
the hand of God before!
669
00:49:39,185 --> 00:49:43,648
Now, today we're going to do
marching up and down the square.
670
00:49:43,731 --> 00:49:48,111
That is, unless any of you
got anything better to do.
671
00:49:48,319 --> 00:49:50,655
Well?
672
00:49:50,738 --> 00:49:52,866
Anyone got anything
they'd rather be doing,
673
00:49:52,949 --> 00:49:57,120
than marching up and down
the square?
674
00:49:58,872 --> 00:50:01,291
Yes! Atkinson.
675
00:50:03,585 --> 00:50:08,590
What would you
rather be doing, Atkinson?
676
00:50:08,673 --> 00:50:12,385
Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd
rather be home with the wife and kids.
677
00:50:14,179 --> 00:50:16,264
Would you now?
678
00:50:16,431 --> 00:50:19,267
Yes, Sarge. Right. Off you go.
679
00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:21,728
Now,
680
00:50:21,811 --> 00:50:24,606
everybody else happy
with my little plan,
681
00:50:24,939 --> 00:50:27,525
of marching up and down
the square a bit?
682
00:50:27,609 --> 00:50:28,985
Sarge? Yes?
683
00:50:29,068 --> 00:50:30,695
I've got a book
I'd quite like to read.
684
00:50:30,778 --> 00:50:32,030
Go read your book then.
685
00:50:32,113 --> 00:50:33,364
Now!
686
00:50:34,449 --> 00:50:38,786
Everybody else
quite content to join in
687
00:50:38,953 --> 00:50:42,290
with my little scheme
of marching
688
00:50:42,415 --> 00:50:45,126
up and down the square?
689
00:50:45,210 --> 00:50:46,753
Sarge?
690
00:50:46,836 --> 00:50:48,880
Yes, Wyclif, what is it?
691
00:50:49,047 --> 00:50:52,550
Well, I'm learning the piano.
692
00:50:52,634 --> 00:50:54,636
Learning the piano?
693
00:50:55,136 --> 00:50:57,347
Yes, Sarge. And I suppose
694
00:50:57,430 --> 00:51:00,266
you want to go practice, eh?
695
00:51:00,350 --> 00:51:04,354
Marching up and down the square
not good enough for you, eh?
696
00:51:04,437 --> 00:51:06,940
Well... Right! Off you go!
697
00:51:07,023 --> 00:51:10,109
Now, what about the rest of you?
698
00:51:11,486 --> 00:51:15,073
Rather be at the pictures,
I suppose.
699
00:51:15,782 --> 00:51:17,325
[ ALL MUTTERING ]
700
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:19,994
All right! Off you go!
701
00:51:23,498 --> 00:51:25,416
Bloody army. I don't know
what it's coming to.
702
00:51:25,500 --> 00:51:28,253
Right. Sergeant Major marching
up and down the square.
703
00:51:28,336 --> 00:51:30,213
Left, right, left.
704
00:51:30,296 --> 00:51:32,090
NARRATOR 2:
Democracy and humanitarianism
705
00:51:32,173 --> 00:51:34,425
have always been trademarks
of the British Army.
706
00:51:34,509 --> 00:51:35,843
SERGEANT MAJOR: Rubbish! Shh!
707
00:51:35,927 --> 00:51:40,139
And have stamped its triumph in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire.
708
00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:40,931
[ ALL GRUNTING ]
709
00:51:40,932 --> 00:51:42,058
[ ALL GRUNTING ]
710
00:51:42,183 --> 00:51:43,351
[ PEOPLE ULULATING ]
711
00:51:43,434 --> 00:51:45,019
[ BUGLE SOUNDING ]
712
00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:46,813
[ GUNS FIRING ]
713
00:51:57,198 --> 00:52:00,493
But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done,
714
00:52:00,660 --> 00:52:04,539
it has always been the calm
leadership of the officer class
715
00:52:04,622 --> 00:52:07,375
that has made the British Army
what it is.
716
00:52:42,410 --> 00:52:44,287
Excuse me.
717
00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,212
Morning, Ainsworth.
Morning, Pakenham.
718
00:52:53,463 --> 00:52:56,841
Sleep well? Not bad.
Bitten to shreds, though.
719
00:52:56,924 --> 00:52:58,843
Must be that hole in
the bloody mosquito net.
720
00:52:58,926 --> 00:53:02,180
Yes, savage little blighters,
aren't they?
721
00:53:02,263 --> 00:53:04,223
Excuse me, sir. Yes, Chadwick?
722
00:53:04,307 --> 00:53:06,976
I'm afraid Perkins got rather
badly bitten during the night.
723
00:53:07,060 --> 00:53:08,519
Well, so did we.
724
00:53:08,603 --> 00:53:10,772
Yes, but I do think
Doctor ought to see him.
725
00:53:11,439 --> 00:53:14,817
Well, go and fetch him then.
Right you are, sir.
726
00:53:14,901 --> 00:53:17,028
Suppose I'd better go along.
Coming, Pakenham?
727
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:19,530
Yes, I suppose so.
728
00:53:19,614 --> 00:53:22,450
Here, now. Come on, boy.
729
00:53:23,242 --> 00:53:24,702
[ GUNS FIRING ]
730
00:53:24,786 --> 00:53:26,621
[ ULULATING CONTINUES ]
731
00:53:29,123 --> 00:53:30,500
[ SCREAMING ]
732
00:53:31,542 --> 00:53:33,586
Morning, Perkins.
733
00:53:33,669 --> 00:53:36,464
Morning, sir. What's
all the trouble, then?
734
00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:39,425
Bitten, sir. During the night.
735
00:53:39,509 --> 00:53:40,718
Oh?
736
00:53:40,802 --> 00:53:43,054
The whole leg gone, eh? Yes.
737
00:53:44,013 --> 00:53:45,598
How's it feel?
738
00:53:45,640 --> 00:53:49,310
Stings a bit. Well, it
would, wouldn't it?
739
00:53:49,394 --> 00:53:53,106
That's quite a bite
you've got there.
740
00:53:53,189 --> 00:53:55,233
Yes. A real beauty, isn't it?
741
00:53:55,316 --> 00:53:56,818
Any idea how it happened?
742
00:53:56,901 --> 00:53:59,362
None whatsoever.
Complete mystery to me.
743
00:53:59,445 --> 00:54:02,532
Woke up just now,
one sock too many.
744
00:54:02,657 --> 00:54:04,409
You must have a hell
of a hole in your net.
745
00:54:04,492 --> 00:54:05,910
We've sent for the doctor.
746
00:54:05,993 --> 00:54:09,038
Hardly worth it, is it?
Yes. Better safe than sorry.
747
00:54:09,163 --> 00:54:13,292
Yes. Good Lord, look at this.
By Jove! That's enormous.
748
00:54:13,376 --> 00:54:15,837
You don't think
it'll come back, do you?
749
00:54:15,920 --> 00:54:17,130
For more, you mean?
750
00:54:17,213 --> 00:54:18,673
You're right. We'd better
get this stitched.
751
00:54:18,756 --> 00:54:20,425
Right. Hello, Doc!
752
00:54:20,508 --> 00:54:24,887
Morning. I came as fast as I could.
Is something up?
753
00:54:24,971 --> 00:54:29,767
Yes. During the night, old Perkins
got his leg bitten sort of off.
754
00:54:30,226 --> 00:54:33,104
Oh, yeah.
Been in the wars, have we?
755
00:54:33,187 --> 00:54:34,272
Yes.
756
00:54:34,355 --> 00:54:36,899
Any headache? Bowels all right?
757
00:54:37,525 --> 00:54:41,112
Well, let's have a look at this
one leg of yours, then, eh'?
758
00:54:42,363 --> 00:54:44,782
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
759
00:54:44,866 --> 00:54:49,704
Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well,
this is nothing to worry about.
760
00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:53,124
Oh, good. There's a lot of it about.
Probably a virus.
761
00:54:53,207 --> 00:54:56,210
Keep warm, plenty of rest and if
you're playing football or anything,
762
00:54:56,377 --> 00:54:58,045
try and favour the other leg.
763
00:54:58,129 --> 00:54:59,839
Oh, fights.
764
00:54:59,922 --> 00:55:01,924
As right as rain
in a couple of days.
765
00:55:02,008 --> 00:55:03,843
Oh. Thanks for
the reassurance, Doc.
766
00:55:03,926 --> 00:55:05,720
Not at all.
That's what I'm here for.
767
00:55:05,803 --> 00:55:08,264
Any other problems
I can reassure you about?
768
00:55:08,347 --> 00:55:09,640
No, I'm fine.
769
00:55:09,724 --> 00:55:11,976
Jolly good. Well, must be off.
770
00:55:12,143 --> 00:55:15,646
So it'll just grow back again,
then, will it?
771
00:55:16,731 --> 00:55:17,899
Uh...
772
00:55:19,025 --> 00:55:22,278
I think I'd better come
clean with you about this.
773
00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:25,948
It's not a virus, I'm afraid.
774
00:55:26,032 --> 00:55:29,994
You see, a virus is what we
doctors call very, very small,
775
00:55:30,077 --> 00:55:33,664
so small it could not possibly
have made off with a whole leg.
776
00:55:33,748 --> 00:55:36,501
What we're looking for, and this
is no more than an educated guess,
777
00:55:36,584 --> 00:55:37,835
I'd like to make that clear,
778
00:55:37,919 --> 00:55:40,171
is some multi-cellular life-form
779
00:55:40,254 --> 00:55:44,675
with stripes, huge, razor-sharp
teeth, about 11 -foot long
780
00:55:44,759 --> 00:55:47,178
and of the genus
Felis Horribilis.
781
00:55:47,261 --> 00:55:51,140
What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.
782
00:55:51,307 --> 00:55:53,142
ALL: A tiger?
783
00:55:53,226 --> 00:55:55,144
ALL: A tiger?
784
00:55:55,478 --> 00:55:57,146
[ PEOPLE ULULATING ]
785
00:55:59,065 --> 00:56:01,192
A tiger in Africa? Hmm?
786
00:56:01,275 --> 00:56:02,985
A tiger in Africa!
787
00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:07,365
Ah, well, it's probably
escaped from a zoo.
788
00:56:07,448 --> 00:56:08,741
Doesn't sound very likely to me.
789
00:56:08,824 --> 00:56:11,202
Mmm-mmm-mmm. SOLDIER: Sir! Sir!
790
00:56:11,285 --> 00:56:13,871
The attack's over, sir.
The Zulus are retreating.
791
00:56:13,955 --> 00:56:15,081
0h, jolly good.
792
00:56:15,164 --> 00:56:16,874
Quite a lot of casualties, sir.
793
00:56:16,958 --> 00:56:18,960
C-division wiped out.
Signals gone.
794
00:56:19,085 --> 00:56:21,045
Thirty men killed in F-section.
Yes, I see.
795
00:56:21,128 --> 00:56:23,756
I should think about
150 men altogether, sir.
796
00:56:23,839 --> 00:56:25,049
Jolly good.
797
00:56:25,132 --> 00:56:26,372
I haven't got the final figures,
798
00:56:26,425 --> 00:56:28,511
but there's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...
799
00:56:28,594 --> 00:56:32,306
Yes, well, the thing is, Sergeant,
I've got a bit of a problem here.
800
00:56:34,267 --> 00:56:37,061
One of the officers
has lost a leg.
801
00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,689
Oh, no, sir! I'm afraid so.
802
00:56:39,772 --> 00:56:42,066
Probably a tiger. In Africa?
803
00:56:42,149 --> 00:56:43,276
[ MUMBLING ]
804
00:56:43,359 --> 00:56:47,238
The MO says we can stitch it back
on if we can find it immediately.
805
00:56:47,321 --> 00:56:49,615
Right, sir.
I'll organize a party.
806
00:56:49,699 --> 00:56:52,326
It's hardly the time
for that, Sergeant.
807
00:56:52,410 --> 00:56:56,122
A search party.
Much better idea.
808
00:56:56,956 --> 00:56:58,541
[ BUGLE SOUNDING ]
809
00:56:58,833 --> 00:57:00,585
[ SOLDIERS GROANING ]
810
00:57:01,043 --> 00:57:02,253
Sorry about the mess, sir.
811
00:57:02,336 --> 00:57:05,047
We'll try and get it cleared
up by the time you get back.
812
00:57:05,131 --> 00:57:07,216
We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?
Yes.
813
00:57:07,300 --> 00:57:09,719
Here. We got a search party.
Leave that alone.
814
00:57:09,802 --> 00:57:12,597
All this killing, bloodshed.
Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?
815
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:13,764
Yes, very good.
816
00:57:13,848 --> 00:57:14,932
SOLDIER: Morning, sir.
817
00:57:15,016 --> 00:57:16,416
Nasty wound
you've got there, fella.
818
00:57:16,475 --> 00:57:18,311
Thank you very much, sir.
819
00:57:18,978 --> 00:57:21,439
Come on, Private.
Making up a search party.
820
00:57:23,482 --> 00:57:25,443
Better than staying home,
isn't it?
821
00:57:25,526 --> 00:57:27,737
I mean, at home if you kill
someone, they arrest you.
822
00:57:27,820 --> 00:57:30,573
Here, they give you a gun
and show you what to do, sir.
823
00:57:30,656 --> 00:57:35,411
I mean, I killed 15 of those buggers, sir.
At home, they'd hang me.
824
00:57:35,494 --> 00:57:37,872
Here, they'll give me
a fucking medal, sir.
825
00:57:40,666 --> 00:57:42,460
[ INSECTS CHITTERING ]
826
00:57:53,387 --> 00:57:55,014
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
827
00:57:55,097 --> 00:57:58,184
Sorry, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant Major.
828
00:58:15,993 --> 00:58:17,912
Look!
829
00:58:19,288 --> 00:58:21,415
My God! It's huge!
830
00:58:24,335 --> 00:58:25,503
[ TIGER GROWLING ]
831
00:58:29,382 --> 00:58:31,092
[ MONKEYS SCREECHING ]
832
00:58:31,258 --> 00:58:33,928
Don't shoot. Don't shoot.
We're not a tiger.
833
00:58:35,429 --> 00:58:37,723
We were just...
834
00:58:38,224 --> 00:58:40,267
Why are you dressed as a tiger?
835
00:58:42,603 --> 00:58:44,605
Oh, why, why, why?
836
00:58:44,689 --> 00:58:46,357
Isn't it a lovely day today?
837
00:58:46,440 --> 00:58:49,735
Answer the question.
Oh, we were just...
838
00:58:49,819 --> 00:58:53,739
Well, actually, we're dressed
like this because...
839
00:58:54,615 --> 00:58:56,325
Oh, no, that's not it.
840
00:58:56,409 --> 00:58:59,161
Oh, we did it for a laugh. Part of a spree.
High spirits.
841
00:58:59,245 --> 00:59:02,039
Simple as that.
Nothing more to it.
842
00:59:02,373 --> 00:59:05,334
Well, actually, we're on a mission
for British Intelligence.
843
00:59:05,668 --> 00:59:08,170
There's a pro-czarist
Asante chief...
844
00:59:08,254 --> 00:59:10,172
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
845
00:59:10,256 --> 00:59:12,425
No, no, no, no. We're doing
it for an advertisement.
846
00:59:12,508 --> 00:59:14,844
Ah, that's it.
Forget about the Russians.
847
00:59:14,927 --> 00:59:17,555
We're doing an advert
for Tiger Brand Coffee.
848
00:59:17,638 --> 00:59:19,223
"Tiger Brand Coffee
is a real treat."
849
00:59:19,306 --> 00:59:21,767
"Even tigers prefer
a cup of it to real meat."
850
00:59:21,851 --> 00:59:24,228
Now, look...
All right, all right.
851
00:59:24,311 --> 00:59:27,606
We are dressed as a tiger because he
had an auntie who did it in 1839.
852
00:59:27,690 --> 00:59:30,901
This is the 50th anniversary.
No. We're doing it for a bet.
853
00:59:30,985 --> 00:59:31,986
God told us to do it.
854
00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:34,822
To tell the truth,
we are completely mad.
855
00:59:34,905 --> 00:59:37,283
We're inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution,
856
00:59:37,366 --> 00:59:42,079
and we escaped by making this skin
out of old used cereal packets.
857
00:59:42,163 --> 00:59:44,457
PERKINS: It doesn't matter!
What?
858
00:59:44,540 --> 00:59:49,754
It doesn't matter why they're dressed
as a tiger. Have they got my leg?
859
00:59:49,837 --> 00:59:52,506
Good thinking. Well, have you?
860
00:59:52,590 --> 00:59:54,925
Actually... Yes?
861
00:59:55,009 --> 00:59:57,178
We were thinking of
training as taxidermists.
862
00:59:57,261 --> 00:59:59,305
We wanted to get the feel of it
from the animal's point of view.
863
00:59:59,388 --> 01:00:00,431
Be quiet!
864
01:00:00,514 --> 01:00:02,933
Now look, we're just asking you
865
01:00:03,017 --> 01:00:04,935
if you've got this man's leg.
866
01:00:05,686 --> 01:00:07,980
A wooden leg?
No, no, a proper leg.
867
01:00:08,063 --> 01:00:13,110
He was fast asleep, and someone or
something came in and removed it.
868
01:00:14,028 --> 01:00:15,696
Without waking him up?
869
01:00:18,032 --> 01:00:20,242
Yes. I don't believe you.
870
01:00:20,326 --> 01:00:23,037
We found the tiger skin
in a bicycle shop in Cairo.
871
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:24,955
The owner wanted it
taken to Dar Es Salaam.
872
01:00:25,039 --> 01:00:26,039
Shut up!
873
01:00:26,081 --> 01:00:29,752
Now look, have you or
have you not got his leg?
874
01:00:29,919 --> 01:00:33,756
Yes. No. No, no, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
875
01:00:35,257 --> 01:00:37,843
Why did you say yes? I didn't.
876
01:00:37,927 --> 01:00:39,553
I'm not talking to you.
877
01:00:41,555 --> 01:00:42,890
Um...
878
01:00:44,058 --> 01:00:45,309
Um...
879
01:00:47,019 --> 01:00:48,938
Right. Search the thicket.
880
01:00:49,313 --> 01:00:51,690
Oh, come on.
I mean, do we look like
881
01:00:51,774 --> 01:00:53,567
the sort of chaps who'd
creep into a camp at night,
882
01:00:53,651 --> 01:00:56,570
steal into someone's tent,
anaesthetize them, tissue-type them,
883
01:00:56,654 --> 01:00:58,906
amputate a leg
and run away with it?
884
01:00:59,448 --> 01:01:01,075
Search the thicket.
885
01:01:01,367 --> 01:01:03,869
Oh, leg!
You're looking for a leg!
886
01:01:03,953 --> 01:01:06,205
Actually, I think there
is one there somewhere.
887
01:01:06,288 --> 01:01:08,123
Somebody must have
abandoned it here,
888
01:01:08,207 --> 01:01:09,875
knowing you were
coming after it.
889
01:01:09,959 --> 01:01:11,877
We stumbled across it, actually,
and wondered what it was.
890
01:01:11,961 --> 01:01:13,212
They'll be miles away by now.
891
01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:16,757
We'll have to take
all the blame.
892
01:01:17,216 --> 01:01:21,428
Hello, good evening and welcome
to The Middle of the Film.
893
01:01:28,269 --> 01:01:30,855
Hello and welcome
to The Middle of the Film,
894
01:01:30,938 --> 01:01:33,691
the moment where we take a break
and invite you, the audience,
895
01:01:33,774 --> 01:01:37,278
to join us, the film-makers,
in Find the Fish.
896
01:01:38,612 --> 01:01:40,823
We're going to show you
a scene from another film
897
01:01:40,906 --> 01:01:43,659
and ask you to guess
where the fish is.
898
01:01:43,742 --> 01:01:46,495
But if you think you know,
don't keep it to yourselves.
899
01:01:46,579 --> 01:01:48,956
Yell out so that all the
cinema can hear you.
900
01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:52,084
So here we are
with Find the Fish.
901
01:02:01,760 --> 01:02:05,556
I wonder
where that fish has gone.
902
01:02:05,639 --> 01:02:07,558
You did love it so.
903
01:02:07,641 --> 01:02:10,686
You looked after it like a son.
904
01:02:10,769 --> 01:02:15,065
And it went wherever I did go.
905
01:02:15,149 --> 01:02:18,777
Is it in the cupboard?
AUDIENCE: Yes! No!
906
01:02:18,861 --> 01:02:23,198
Wouldn't you like to know?
It was a lovely little fish.
907
01:02:23,282 --> 01:02:28,078
And it went wherever I did go.
908
01:02:28,162 --> 01:02:32,541
MAN: It's behind the sofa!
Where can that fish be?
909
01:02:32,750 --> 01:02:35,169
MAN 2: Have you thought of
the drawers in the bureau?
910
01:02:35,252 --> 01:02:38,339
It is a most elusive fish.
911
01:02:38,422 --> 01:02:42,593
And it went wherever I did go.
912
01:02:42,676 --> 01:02:46,847
On! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
913
01:02:46,931 --> 01:02:51,518
Fish, fish, fishy, Oh!
914
01:02:51,602 --> 01:02:56,523
On! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
915
01:02:56,607 --> 01:03:00,736
That went wherever I did go.
916
01:03:00,861 --> 01:03:04,406
MAN 3: Look up his trunk! MAN 4: Yeah!
It's in his trousers!
917
01:03:04,490 --> 01:03:06,867
That was terrific! Great! Yeah!
918
01:03:06,951 --> 01:03:10,537
Best bit so far.
Fantastic! Really great!
919
01:03:10,621 --> 01:03:12,873
Really risky, yeah.
920
01:03:16,377 --> 01:03:20,047
They haven't said much about the
meaning of life so far, have they?
921
01:03:20,172 --> 01:03:22,633
Well, it's been building up to it.
Has it?
922
01:03:22,716 --> 01:03:25,636
Yeah, I expect
they'll get onto it now.
923
01:03:25,719 --> 01:03:27,429
Personally, I doubt
924
01:03:27,513 --> 01:03:30,140
they're going to say anything
about the meaning of life at all.
925
01:03:30,224 --> 01:03:31,934
Oh, come on.
They've gotta say something.
926
01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:33,268
They're bound to.
927
01:03:33,352 --> 01:03:35,229
Yeah.
928
01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:40,359
What do you think
the next bit will be?
929
01:03:40,442 --> 01:03:41,443
Caption, I expect.
930
01:03:41,527 --> 01:03:44,822
What, about the next stage of life,
you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.
931
01:03:44,905 --> 01:03:45,113
NARRATOR:: Middle Age.
932
01:03:45,114 --> 01:03:46,448
NARRATOR: Middle Age.
933
01:03:46,532 --> 01:03:48,283
FISH: Could've guessed it.
934
01:03:53,914 --> 01:03:56,041
That's much better.
Thank you, honey.
935
01:03:56,125 --> 01:03:57,334
You're welcome.
936
01:03:59,169 --> 01:04:00,838
It was all sort of misty before.
937
01:04:00,921 --> 01:04:01,922
[ CAMERA CLICKING ]
938
01:04:02,006 --> 01:04:05,175
That's fine. Hey! How are you?
939
01:04:05,259 --> 01:04:06,677
Oh, we're just fine.
940
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:09,138
What kind of food you
like to eat this evening?
941
01:04:09,221 --> 01:04:11,348
Well, we sort of like pineapple.
942
01:04:11,432 --> 01:04:13,350
Yeah, we love pineapple.
943
01:04:13,434 --> 01:04:16,311
Yeah, anything with pineapple
in is great for us.
944
01:04:16,395 --> 01:04:18,939
Well, how 'bout
the dungeon room?
945
01:04:19,023 --> 01:04:20,524
Oh, that sounds fine.
946
01:04:20,607 --> 01:04:22,651
Sure is.
It's real Hawaiian food,
947
01:04:22,735 --> 01:04:27,197
served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere.
948
01:04:28,115 --> 01:04:29,658
[ MAN GROANING ]
949
01:04:31,660 --> 01:04:34,121
([ HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
950
01:04:36,623 --> 01:04:38,125
[ MAN GROANING ]
951
01:04:42,755 --> 01:04:45,257
Isn't this nice? How are ya?
952
01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:50,304
Take a little Kodak. Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
953
01:04:52,639 --> 01:04:53,640
[ SCATTING ]
954
01:04:53,724 --> 01:04:55,225
[ MAN GROANING ]
955
01:04:55,726 --> 01:04:57,186
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
956
01:05:04,818 --> 01:05:08,030
Good evening. Would you care
for something to talk about?
957
01:05:08,113 --> 01:05:10,032
Oh, that would be wonderful.
958
01:05:10,115 --> 01:05:12,534
Our special tonight
is minorities.
959
01:05:12,618 --> 01:05:14,745
Oh, that sounds
real interesting.
960
01:05:14,828 --> 01:05:18,332
What's this conversation here?
That's football.
961
01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:20,751
You can talk about the
Steelers-Bears game Saturday,
962
01:05:20,834 --> 01:05:24,213
or you could reminisce about
really great World Series.
963
01:05:24,296 --> 01:05:26,673
No, no, no.
What is this one here?
964
01:05:26,757 --> 01:05:30,511
That's philosophy.
Is that a sport?
965
01:05:31,011 --> 01:05:33,180
No, it's more of an attempt
966
01:05:33,263 --> 01:05:37,184
to construct a viable hypothesis
to explain the meaning of life.
967
01:05:37,267 --> 01:05:40,354
What was that? What's he saying?
968
01:05:40,437 --> 01:05:42,272
Oh, that sounds wonderful.
969
01:05:42,356 --> 01:05:45,192
Would you like to talk about
the meaning of life, darling?
970
01:05:45,818 --> 01:05:47,361
Sure. Why not?
971
01:05:47,444 --> 01:05:49,571
Philosophy for two? Right.
972
01:05:49,655 --> 01:05:51,573
Room? 259.
973
01:05:51,657 --> 01:05:53,867
259. Yeah.
974
01:05:53,951 --> 01:05:56,787
[ STAMMERING ] How do we...
975
01:05:56,870 --> 01:05:59,123
Oh, you folks
want me to start you off?
976
01:05:59,206 --> 01:06:00,624
We'd appreciate that.
977
01:06:00,707 --> 01:06:04,044
Okay! Well, look.
978
01:06:04,128 --> 01:06:07,297
Have you ever wondered
just why you're here?
979
01:06:09,216 --> 01:06:12,302
Well, we went to Miami last year
and California the year before...
980
01:06:12,386 --> 01:06:16,056
No, no, no. I mean, why we're
here, on this planet.
981
01:06:19,518 --> 01:06:20,561
No.
982
01:06:20,644 --> 01:06:24,857
Right. You ever wanted to
know what it's all about?
983
01:06:25,065 --> 01:06:26,525
Nope.
984
01:06:26,817 --> 01:06:29,820
Righty-ho! Well,
985
01:06:29,903 --> 01:06:32,489
see, throughout history, there've
been certain men and women,
986
01:06:32,573 --> 01:06:36,743
who've tried to find the solution
to the mysteries of existence.
987
01:06:37,077 --> 01:06:38,078
Great!
988
01:06:38,162 --> 01:06:40,080
And we call these guys
philosophers.
989
01:06:40,205 --> 01:06:42,416
Oh! And that's what
we're talking about.
990
01:06:42,499 --> 01:06:44,543
Right! Oh, that's neat.
991
01:06:44,626 --> 01:06:46,461
Well, you look like
you're getting the idea,
992
01:06:46,545 --> 01:06:49,173
so why don't I give you
these conversation cards.
993
01:06:49,256 --> 01:06:53,677
They'll tell you a little about philosophical
method, names of famous philosophers.
994
01:06:53,760 --> 01:06:56,346
There you are.
Have a nice conversation.
995
01:06:56,430 --> 01:06:58,348
Oh, thank you very much.
996
01:06:58,432 --> 01:07:01,518
He's cute.
Yeah, real understanding.
997
01:07:01,602 --> 01:07:05,939
Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer
was a philosopher.
998
01:07:07,316 --> 01:07:10,944
Oh, yeah. He's the one
that begins with an.
999
01:07:13,822 --> 01:07:15,115
Oh.
1000
01:07:17,910 --> 01:07:19,494
Like Nietzsche.
1001
01:07:21,455 --> 01:07:23,415
Does Nietzsche
begin with an "S"?
1002
01:07:25,334 --> 01:07:28,045
There's an "S" in Nietzsche.
1003
01:07:29,713 --> 01:07:31,965
Oh, well, yes, there is.
1004
01:07:32,883 --> 01:07:35,135
Do all philosophers
have an "S" in them?
1005
01:07:35,594 --> 01:07:37,846
Yeah. I think most of them do.
1006
01:07:38,430 --> 01:07:42,851
Oh. Does that mean Salena
Jones is a philosopher?
1007
01:07:43,435 --> 01:07:46,146
Yeah! Right! She could be.
1008
01:07:46,438 --> 01:07:48,523
She sings about
the meaning of life.
1009
01:07:48,649 --> 01:07:53,487
Yeah. That's right, but I don't
think she writes her own material.
1010
01:07:53,570 --> 01:07:57,574
No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer
writes her material.
1011
01:07:57,991 --> 01:08:00,327
No. Burt Bacharach writes it.
1012
01:08:01,703 --> 01:08:03,622
There's no "S"
in Burt Bacharach.
1013
01:08:04,373 --> 01:08:05,958
Or in Hal David.
1014
01:08:07,084 --> 01:08:08,669
Who's Hal David?
1015
01:08:09,086 --> 01:08:12,172
He writes the lyrics.
Burt just writes the tunes.
1016
01:08:12,256 --> 01:08:15,842
Only now, he's married
to Carole Bayer Sager.
1017
01:08:19,137 --> 01:08:22,015
Waiter? This conversation
isn't very good.
1018
01:08:22,099 --> 01:08:27,229
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We do have one
today that's not on the menu.
1019
01:08:27,312 --> 01:08:29,273
It's sort of a speciality
of the house, you know?
1020
01:08:29,356 --> 01:08:31,316
Live organ transplants.
1021
01:08:32,276 --> 01:08:34,736
Live organ transplants?
What's that?
1022
01:08:37,030 --> 01:08:41,451
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part five.
Live organ transplants.
1023
01:08:42,494 --> 01:08:44,162
[ DOORBELL RINGING ]
1024
01:08:44,413 --> 01:08:46,707
Don't worry, dear. I'll get it.
1025
01:08:46,790 --> 01:08:48,125
[ COUGHING ]
1026
01:08:48,250 --> 01:08:50,460
([ HAVA NAGILA PLAYING)
1027
01:08:54,172 --> 01:08:56,842
Yes?
Hello. Can we have your liver?
1028
01:08:57,634 --> 01:08:59,469
What? Your liver.
1029
01:09:00,512 --> 01:09:03,682
It's a large glandular organ
in your abdomen.
1030
01:09:05,559 --> 01:09:08,228
You know, it's reddish-brown,
it's sort of...
1031
01:09:08,312 --> 01:09:12,399
Yeah, yeah, I know what
it is, but I'm using it.
1032
01:09:14,735 --> 01:09:17,946
Come on sir. Don't muck us about.
Hey, hey, hey!
1033
01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,324
Hello!
1034
01:09:22,576 --> 01:09:25,162
What's this, then?
A liver donor's card.
1035
01:09:25,245 --> 01:09:27,247
Need we say more? No.
1036
01:09:27,331 --> 01:09:31,126
Listen, I can't give it to you now.
It says, "In the event of death."
1037
01:09:31,209 --> 01:09:32,419
My God!
1038
01:09:32,502 --> 01:09:36,131
No one has ever had their liver
taken out by us and survived.
1039
01:09:36,214 --> 01:09:38,467
Just lie there, sir.
It won't take a minute.
1040
01:09:38,633 --> 01:09:40,344
[ SCREAMING ]
1041
01:09:52,898 --> 01:09:54,858
Here. What's going on?
1042
01:09:54,941 --> 01:09:56,735
He's donating his liver, madam.
1043
01:09:58,111 --> 01:10:01,031
Is this because he took out
one of those silly cards?
1044
01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:04,034
That's right, madam.
Typical of him.
1045
01:10:04,117 --> 01:10:07,871
He goes down to the public
library, sees a few signs up,
1046
01:10:07,954 --> 01:10:10,374
comes home all full
of good intentions.
1047
01:10:11,124 --> 01:10:15,087
He gives blood, does cold
research, all that sort of thing.
1048
01:10:15,170 --> 01:10:16,546
[ SCREAMING ]
1049
01:10:19,132 --> 01:10:21,802
What do you do
with them all, anyway?
1050
01:10:21,885 --> 01:10:24,054
They all go to
saving lives, madam.
1051
01:10:24,137 --> 01:10:25,597
That's what he used to say.
1052
01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:28,016
"It's all for the good of the
country," he used to say.
1053
01:10:28,100 --> 01:10:29,559
[ MAN GASPING ]
1054
01:10:29,643 --> 01:10:32,062
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
1055
01:10:32,229 --> 01:10:33,230
Hmm?
1056
01:10:33,313 --> 01:10:35,732
Do you think it's all for
the good of the country?
1057
01:10:35,816 --> 01:10:37,025
I wouldn't
know about that, madam.
1058
01:10:37,109 --> 01:10:38,819
We're just doing our jobs,
you know?
1059
01:10:38,944 --> 01:10:40,445
[ MAN SCREAMING ]
1060
01:10:41,321 --> 01:10:43,698
You're not doctors, then?
1061
01:10:44,533 --> 01:10:46,284
Oh, blimey, no.
1062
01:10:47,452 --> 01:10:49,830
Mum, Dad, I'm off out now.
1063
01:10:49,913 --> 01:10:52,499
I'll see you about 7:00?
Righto, son.
1064
01:10:52,666 --> 01:10:54,584
Look after yourself.
1065
01:10:54,668 --> 01:10:56,169
[ MAN SCREAMING ]
1066
01:10:59,214 --> 01:11:02,300
You fancy a cup of tea?
1067
01:11:03,135 --> 01:11:05,720
Oh, well, that'd be very nice.
Thank you.
1068
01:11:06,304 --> 01:11:08,890
Thank you very much, madam.
Thank you.
1069
01:11:10,642 --> 01:11:12,477
I thought she'd never ask.
1070
01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:18,900
You do realize
1071
01:11:18,984 --> 01:11:23,822
he has to be, well, dead,
by the terms of the card,
1072
01:11:24,281 --> 01:11:26,241
before he donates his liver.
1073
01:11:26,658 --> 01:11:30,454
Well, I told him that, but he
never listens to me, silly man.
1074
01:11:30,537 --> 01:11:32,581
I mean, I was wondering...
1075
01:11:33,415 --> 01:11:35,959
Well, you know, what you was
thinking of doing after that.
1076
01:11:36,042 --> 01:11:38,879
I mean, will you stay
on your own?
1077
01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:43,842
Or is there, well,
someone else, sort of,
1078
01:11:45,719 --> 01:11:47,095
on the horizon?
1079
01:11:47,471 --> 01:11:50,765
I'm too old for that sort of thing.
I'm past my prime.
1080
01:11:50,849 --> 01:11:54,060
Not at all.
Very attractive woman.
1081
01:11:54,769 --> 01:11:58,273
Well, I'm certainly not thinking
of getting hitched up again.
1082
01:11:59,900 --> 01:12:01,610
Sure? Sure.
1083
01:12:10,118 --> 01:12:13,830
Can we have your liver then?
I would be scared.
1084
01:12:13,955 --> 01:12:15,248
All right.
1085
01:12:16,791 --> 01:12:18,585
I'll tell you what.
1086
01:12:19,920 --> 01:12:21,254
Listen to this.
1087
01:12:21,922 --> 01:12:24,799
♪ [ SINGING ] Whenever life ♪
♪ gets you down, Mrs. Brown. ♪
1088
01:12:25,050 --> 01:12:27,761
♪ And things seem hard or tough. ♪
1089
01:12:28,428 --> 01:12:32,724
♪ And people are stupid, ♪
♪ obnoxious or daft ♪
1090
01:12:33,308 --> 01:12:35,769
♪ And you feel that you've had ♪
1091
01:12:36,228 --> 01:12:39,314
♪ Quite enough. ♪
1092
01:12:42,442 --> 01:12:45,987
♪ Just remember ♪
♪ that you're standing. ♪
1093
01:12:46,071 --> 01:12:48,323
♪ On a planet that's evolving. ♪
1094
01:12:48,406 --> 01:12:51,535
♪ And revolving ♪
♪ at 900 miles an hour. ♪
1095
01:12:52,285 --> 01:12:56,331
♪ It's orbiting at 19 miles ♪
♪ a second so it's reckoned. ♪
1096
01:12:56,414 --> 01:12:59,960
♪ A sun that is the source ♪
♪ of all our power. ♪
1097
01:13:00,335 --> 01:13:03,838
♪ The sun and you and me and all ♪
♪ the stars that we can see. ♪
1098
01:13:04,297 --> 01:13:07,801
♪ Are moving ♪
♪ at a million miles a day. ♪
1099
01:13:08,176 --> 01:13:12,180
♪ In an outer spiral arm ♪
♪ at 40,000 miles an hour. ♪
1100
01:13:12,264 --> 01:13:14,975
♪ Of the galaxy ♪
♪ we call the Milky Way. ♪
1101
01:13:24,109 --> 01:13:27,904
♪ Our galaxy itself contains ♪
♪ a hundred billion stars. ♪
1102
01:13:27,988 --> 01:13:31,449
♪ It's a hundred thousand ♪
♪ light years side to side. ♪
1103
01:13:32,117 --> 01:13:35,537
♪ It bulges in the middle ♪
♪ 16,000 light years thick. ♪
1104
01:13:35,620 --> 01:13:39,332
♪ But out by us, it's just ♪
♪ 3,000 light years wide. ♪
1105
01:13:39,958 --> 01:13:43,628
♪ We're 30,000 light years ♪
♪ from galactic central point. ♪
1106
01:13:43,712 --> 01:13:47,215
♪ We go round ♪
♪ every 200 million years. ♪
1107
01:13:47,757 --> 01:13:51,428
♪ And our galaxy is only ♪
♪ one of millions of billions. ♪
1108
01:13:51,511 --> 01:13:54,806
♪ In this amazing ♪
♪ and expanding universe. ♪
1109
01:14:27,839 --> 01:14:31,760
♪ The universe itself keeps ♪
♪ on expanding and expanding. ♪
1110
01:14:31,843 --> 01:14:35,180
♪ In all of the directions ♪
♪ it can whizz. ♪
1111
01:14:35,722 --> 01:14:39,517
♪ As fast as it can go ♪
♪ The speed of light, you know. ♪
1112
01:14:39,601 --> 01:14:43,104
♪ Twelve million miles a minute and ♪
♪ that's the fastest speed there is. ♪
1113
01:14:43,188 --> 01:14:47,233
♪ So remember when you're feeling ♪
♪ very small and insecure. ♪
1114
01:14:47,651 --> 01:14:51,237
♪ How amazingly unlikely ♪
♪ is your birth. ♪
1115
01:14:51,571 --> 01:14:55,116
♪ And pray that there's intelligent ♪
♪ life somewhere up in space ♪
1116
01:14:55,200 --> 01:14:58,078
♪ 'Cause there's bugger all ♪
♪ down here on Earth ♪
1117
01:15:01,081 --> 01:15:02,290
[ SIGHS ]
1118
01:15:03,708 --> 01:15:06,503
Makes you feel so, sort of
insignificant, doesn't it?
1119
01:15:06,586 --> 01:15:08,213
Yeah. Yeah.
1120
01:15:10,757 --> 01:15:12,550
Can we have your liver, then?
1121
01:15:13,551 --> 01:15:14,844
Yeah, all right.
You talked me into it.
1122
01:15:14,928 --> 01:15:15,970
Eric!
1123
01:15:24,938 --> 01:15:28,191
Which brings us, once again,
to the urgent realization
1124
01:15:28,274 --> 01:15:31,611
of just how much there is
still left to own.
1125
01:15:32,529 --> 01:15:37,450
Item six on the agenda,
the Meaning of Life.
1126
01:15:39,577 --> 01:15:42,330
Now, Harry, you've had
some thoughts on this.
1127
01:15:42,414 --> 01:15:45,500
I've had a team working on
this over the past few weeks,
1128
01:15:45,583 --> 01:15:50,130
and what we've come up with can be
reduced to two fundamental concepts.
1129
01:15:50,964 --> 01:15:53,675
One. People are not
wearing enough hats.
1130
01:15:54,426 --> 01:15:56,970
Two. Matter is energy.
1131
01:15:57,387 --> 01:16:02,225
In the universe, there are many energy
fields which we cannot normally perceive.
1132
01:16:02,642 --> 01:16:07,272
Some energies have a spiritual source,
which act upon a person's soul.
1133
01:16:07,981 --> 01:16:11,609
However, this soul
does not exist ab initio,
1134
01:16:11,693 --> 01:16:14,362
as orthodox Christianity
teaches.
1135
01:16:14,821 --> 01:16:16,740
It has to be
brought into existence,
1136
01:16:16,823 --> 01:16:19,951
by a process of guided
self-observation.
1137
01:16:21,119 --> 01:16:24,539
However, this is rarely achieved,
owing to man's unique ability
1138
01:16:24,622 --> 01:16:28,877
to be distracted from spiritual
matters by everyday trivia.
1139
01:16:33,047 --> 01:16:35,341
What was that about hats again?
1140
01:16:36,718 --> 01:16:38,928
Oh, people aren't
wearing enough.
1141
01:16:39,012 --> 01:16:40,430
Is this true?
1142
01:16:40,513 --> 01:16:42,557
Certainly.
Hat sales have increased,
1143
01:16:42,640 --> 01:16:44,142
but not pari passu,
as our research...
1144
01:16:44,225 --> 01:16:46,770
When you say "enough,"
enough for what purpose?
1145
01:16:46,853 --> 01:16:49,314
Can I just ask, with reference
to your second point,
1146
01:16:49,773 --> 01:16:53,943
when you say souls don't develop
because people become distracted...
1147
01:16:56,488 --> 01:16:58,865
Has anyone noticed
that building there before?
1148
01:17:01,201 --> 01:17:03,912
What? Good Lord!
1149
01:17:19,093 --> 01:17:20,637
[ MAN SCREAMING ]
1150
01:17:24,098 --> 01:17:25,725
Good Lord!
1151
01:17:26,100 --> 01:17:29,312
The Crimson Permanent Assurance!
1152
01:17:31,940 --> 01:17:34,943
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this film to
apologize for this unwarranted attack
1153
01:17:35,026 --> 01:17:36,402
by the supporting feature.
1154
01:17:36,653 --> 01:17:38,988
Luckily, we have been prepared
for this eventuality
1155
01:17:39,072 --> 01:17:40,990
and are now taking steps
to remedy it.
1156
01:17:43,076 --> 01:17:44,244
Thank you.
1157
01:17:44,327 --> 01:17:44,535
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.
1158
01:17:44,536 --> 01:17:48,915
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part six.
The autumn years.
1159
01:17:50,542 --> 01:17:51,709
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1160
01:17:51,793 --> 01:17:54,254
Here's a little number I tossed
off recently in the Caribbean.
1161
01:17:54,963 --> 01:17:57,507
♪ [ SINGING ] Isn't it awfully ♪
♪ nice to have a penis. ♪
1162
01:17:58,049 --> 01:18:00,552
♪ Isn't it frightfully good ♪
♪ to have a dong. ♪
1163
01:18:01,094 --> 01:18:03,972
♪ It's swell to have a stiffy ♪
♪ It's divine to own a dick. ♪
1164
01:18:04,055 --> 01:18:07,308
♪ From the tiniest little tadger ♪
♪ to the world's biggest prick. ♪
1165
01:18:07,767 --> 01:18:10,770
♪ So three cheers for your Willy ♪
♪ or John Thomas. ♪
1166
01:18:11,354 --> 01:18:13,982
♪ Hooray for your ♪
♪ one-eyed trouser snake. ♪
1167
01:18:14,399 --> 01:18:18,069
♪ Your piece of pork, your wife's best ♪
♪ friend, your Percy or your cock. ♪
1168
01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:21,447
♪ You can wrap it up in ribbons ♪
♪ You can slip it in your sock. ♪
1169
01:18:21,739 --> 01:18:24,784
♪ But don't take it out in public or ♪
♪ they will stick you in the dock. ♪
1170
01:18:24,868 --> 01:18:27,203
♪ And you won't come back. ♪
1171
01:18:27,287 --> 01:18:28,621
Thank you very much.
1172
01:18:30,790 --> 01:18:33,084
Oh, what a
frightfully witty song.
1173
01:18:33,167 --> 01:18:34,836
Terribly clever.
1174
01:18:37,755 --> 01:18:39,924
Jolly good. Marvelous.
1175
01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,767
Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote!
1176
01:19:08,620 --> 01:19:11,497
Good afternoon, sir,
and how are we today?
1177
01:19:11,623 --> 01:19:12,790
Better. Better?
1178
01:19:12,874 --> 01:19:15,418
Better get a bucket.
I'm gonna throw up.
1179
01:19:15,585 --> 01:19:17,921
Gaston? A bucket for monsieur.
1180
01:19:22,508 --> 01:19:24,469
There we are, monsieur.
1181
01:19:39,567 --> 01:19:41,778
Merci, Gaston.
I haven't finished.
1182
01:19:41,861 --> 01:19:43,363
Oh, pardon! Gaston?
1183
01:19:43,613 --> 01:19:45,239
A thousand pardons, monsieur.
1184
01:19:45,323 --> 01:19:50,119
Now, this afternoon, we have
monsieur's favorite, the jugged hare.
1185
01:19:50,370 --> 01:19:54,874
The hare is very high
and the sauce is very rich,
1186
01:19:55,166 --> 01:19:59,963
with truffles, anchovies, Grand
Marnier, bacon and cream.
1187
01:20:00,046 --> 01:20:02,590
Thank you, Gaston.
There's still more.
1188
01:20:03,466 --> 01:20:05,385
Allow me.
1189
01:20:06,386 --> 01:20:08,137
A new bucket for monsieur.
1190
01:20:12,350 --> 01:20:13,643
And the cleaning woman.
1191
01:20:16,938 --> 01:20:19,774
Et main tenant, would monsieur
care for an aperitif,
1192
01:20:19,857 --> 01:20:22,360
or would he prefer
to order straightaway?
1193
01:20:23,528 --> 01:20:27,407
Today, we have for
appetizers, excuse me,
1194
01:20:29,534 --> 01:20:32,996
moules mariniéres, péte' de
foie gras, beluga caviar,
1195
01:20:33,162 --> 01:20:36,666
eggs Benedictine, tarte de
poireaux, that's leek tart,
1196
01:20:36,749 --> 01:20:40,670
frogs' legs amandine or oeufs
de caille Richard Shepherd.
1197
01:20:40,753 --> 01:20:44,882
C'est a dire, little quails' eggs
on a bed of puréed mushrooms.
1198
01:20:44,966 --> 01:20:46,926
It's very delicate,
very succulent.
1199
01:20:47,218 --> 01:20:48,928
I'll have the lot.
1200
01:20:49,887 --> 01:20:53,891
A wise choice, monsieur. And now,
how would you like it served?
1201
01:20:53,975 --> 01:20:56,394
All mixed up together
in a bucket?
1202
01:20:56,477 --> 01:20:58,396
Yeah. With the eggs on top.
1203
01:20:58,479 --> 01:21:00,690
But of course.
Avec des oeufs frites.
1204
01:21:00,773 --> 01:21:02,150
Don't skimp on the pété.
1205
01:21:02,233 --> 01:21:03,526
Oh, monsieur, I assure you,
1206
01:21:03,609 --> 01:21:05,987
just because it is mixed up
with all the other things,
1207
01:21:06,070 --> 01:21:08,390
we would not dream of giving
you less than the full amount.
1208
01:21:08,448 --> 01:21:12,326
In fact, I will personally make
sure you have a double helping.
1209
01:21:12,869 --> 01:21:14,454
[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]
1210
01:21:14,537 --> 01:21:15,955
Something to drink, monsieur?
1211
01:21:16,039 --> 01:21:19,333
Yeah, I'll have six bottles
of Chateau Latour '45,
1212
01:21:19,459 --> 01:21:22,545
and a double Jeroboam of champagne.
'45.
1213
01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:25,089
Bon, and the usual brown ales?
1214
01:21:25,173 --> 01:21:28,760
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I
could only manage six crates today.
1215
01:21:28,843 --> 01:21:29,886
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
1216
01:21:29,969 --> 01:21:33,097
I hope monsieur was not
overdoing it last night.
1217
01:21:33,890 --> 01:21:35,850
Shut up! D'accord.
1218
01:21:35,933 --> 01:21:39,187
The new bucket
and the cleaning woman.
1219
01:21:46,194 --> 01:21:48,112
Is there something wrong
with the food?
1220
01:21:48,196 --> 01:21:49,947
No, the food was excellent.
1221
01:21:50,031 --> 01:21:52,075
Perhaps you're not happy
with the service?
1222
01:21:52,158 --> 01:21:53,534
[ STAMMERING ] No, no complaints.
1223
01:21:53,618 --> 01:21:57,163
It's just that we have to go. I'm
having rather a heavy period.
1224
01:21:58,331 --> 01:22:00,625
And we have a train to catch.
1225
01:22:01,501 --> 01:22:04,796
Oh! Yes, of course.
We have a train to catch
1226
01:22:04,879 --> 01:22:07,757
and I don't want to start
bleeding all over the seats.
1227
01:22:08,674 --> 01:22:11,511
Madam? Perhaps we
should be going?
1228
01:22:12,970 --> 01:22:16,015
Very well, monsieur.
Thank you so much.
1229
01:22:16,516 --> 01:22:18,267
So nice to see you,
1230
01:22:18,351 --> 01:22:20,603
and I hope very much we will
see you again very soon.
1231
01:22:20,686 --> 01:22:21,687
[ SPEAKING FRENCH ]
1232
01:22:21,771 --> 01:22:23,106
[ BUCKET CLANGING ]
1233
01:22:23,189 --> 01:22:26,484
Oh, dear. I have trodden
in monsieur's bucket.
1234
01:22:30,488 --> 01:22:32,573
Another bucket for monsieur,
1235
01:22:34,700 --> 01:22:37,120
and perhaps a hose.
1236
01:22:40,331 --> 01:22:42,875
Oh, Max. Really!
1237
01:22:44,335 --> 01:22:45,670
[ RETCHING ]
1238
01:22:50,716 --> 01:22:51,968
[ PANTING ]
1239
01:22:58,724 --> 01:23:01,561
Finally, monsieur,
a wafer-thin mint.
1240
01:23:01,644 --> 01:23:02,645
[ EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST ]
1241
01:23:02,728 --> 01:23:05,690
Oh, sir, it's only a tiny,
little thin one.
1242
01:23:06,065 --> 01:23:08,734
No, fuck off. I'm full. Oh, sir.
1243
01:23:11,404 --> 01:23:13,281
It's only wafer-thin.
1244
01:23:13,531 --> 01:23:18,452
Look, I couldn't eat another thing.
I'm absolutely stuffed.
1245
01:23:18,536 --> 01:23:22,623
Bugger off.
Oh, sir, just, just one.
1246
01:23:25,751 --> 01:23:29,422
All right, just one.
Just the one, monsieur.
1247
01:23:31,215 --> 01:23:33,092
Voila.
1248
01:23:37,096 --> 01:23:38,973
Bon appetit.
1249
01:24:02,413 --> 01:24:03,789
[ EXPLODING ]
1250
01:24:04,457 --> 01:24:06,584
[ PEOPLE EXCLAIMING ]
1251
01:24:16,385 --> 01:24:17,887
[ PEOPLE COUGHING ]
1252
01:24:17,970 --> 01:24:19,472
[ MAN RETCHING ]
1253
01:24:20,473 --> 01:24:23,643
Thank you, monsieur,
and now, here's your check.
1254
01:24:23,851 --> 01:24:25,478
[ PEOPLE GAGGING ]
1255
01:24:37,698 --> 01:24:42,495
NARRATOR: The Meaning of Life, part 6B.
The meaning of life.
1256
01:24:57,218 --> 01:25:00,429
You know, Maria,
I sometimes wonder
1257
01:25:00,513 --> 01:25:04,350
if we'll ever discover
the meaning of it all,
1258
01:25:04,725 --> 01:25:06,936
working in a place like this.
1259
01:25:07,395 --> 01:25:11,399
Well, I've worked in worse places,
philosophically speaking.
1260
01:25:11,482 --> 01:25:13,442
Really, Maria? Yes.
1261
01:25:14,652 --> 01:25:17,738
I used to work
in the Academie Frangaise,
1262
01:25:17,822 --> 01:25:20,241
but it didn't do me
any good at all.
1263
01:25:20,324 --> 01:25:25,246
I once worked in the library
in the Prado in Madrid,
1264
01:25:25,579 --> 01:25:28,541
but it didn't teach
me nothing I recall,
1265
01:25:29,333 --> 01:25:34,046
and the Library of Congress you'd
have thought would hold some key,
1266
01:25:34,380 --> 01:25:38,259
but it didn't, and neither
did the Bodleian Library.
1267
01:25:39,051 --> 01:25:43,055
In the British Museum,
I hoped to find some clue.
1268
01:25:43,597 --> 01:25:48,311
I worked there from 9:00 till
6:00, read every volume through,
1269
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:53,024
but it didn't teach me nothing
about life's mystery.
1270
01:25:53,357 --> 01:25:57,695
I just kept getting older, and
it got more difficult to see.
1271
01:25:58,195 --> 01:26:02,491
Till eventually, me eyes went
and me arthritis got bad.
1272
01:26:03,075 --> 01:26:05,911
So now, I'm cleaning up in here.
1273
01:26:07,288 --> 01:26:09,790
But I can't be really sad,
1274
01:26:09,874 --> 01:26:13,544
'cause you see,
I feel that life's a game.
1275
01:26:13,627 --> 01:26:16,714
You sometimes win or lose,
1276
01:26:16,797 --> 01:26:19,342
and though I may
be down right now,
1277
01:26:19,717 --> 01:26:22,345
at least I don't work for Jews.
1278
01:26:27,141 --> 01:26:29,101
I'm so sorry.
1279
01:26:29,268 --> 01:26:33,022
I had no idea we had a
racist working here.
1280
01:26:33,105 --> 01:26:36,192
[ STAMMERING ]
I apologize most sincerely.
1281
01:26:36,442 --> 01:26:37,777
I mean...
1282
01:26:38,819 --> 01:26:41,030
Where are you going?
No, I can explain...
1283
01:26:46,619 --> 01:26:48,245
As for me...
1284
01:26:48,829 --> 01:26:52,500
If you want to know what I
think, I'll show you something.
1285
01:26:54,794 --> 01:26:57,963
Come with me.
WAITER: I was saying that...
1286
01:26:59,173 --> 01:27:00,508
Hello? Come on.
1287
01:27:02,051 --> 01:27:03,219
WAITER: Hello?
1288
01:27:05,262 --> 01:27:07,640
Hello! This way.
1289
01:27:12,937 --> 01:27:14,814
Come on. Don't be shy.
1290
01:27:15,815 --> 01:27:17,775
Mind the stairs, all right?
1291
01:27:22,321 --> 01:27:24,490
I think this will help explain.
1292
01:27:31,997 --> 01:27:33,916
Come along. Come along.
1293
01:27:37,044 --> 01:27:38,963
Over here.
1294
01:27:49,515 --> 01:27:51,058
Come on. Come on.
1295
01:27:53,018 --> 01:27:54,687
[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
1296
01:27:54,854 --> 01:27:55,938
[ HORNS BLARING ]
1297
01:27:56,021 --> 01:27:57,314
This way.
1298
01:28:01,235 --> 01:28:02,486
Come on.
1299
01:28:06,490 --> 01:28:07,741
This way.
1300
01:28:09,910 --> 01:28:11,370
Stay by me.
1301
01:28:14,707 --> 01:28:16,333
Nearly there now.
1302
01:28:17,209 --> 01:28:18,711
[ CROWS CAWING ]
1303
01:28:26,302 --> 01:28:27,761
You see that?
1304
01:28:30,431 --> 01:28:32,391
That's where I was born.
1305
01:28:34,435 --> 01:28:38,439
You know, one day, my mother,
1306
01:28:38,522 --> 01:28:41,066
she put me on her knee
and she said to me,
1307
01:28:42,401 --> 01:28:44,653
"Gaston, my son,"
1308
01:28:44,737 --> 01:28:47,740
"the world is a beautiful place."
1309
01:28:49,074 --> 01:28:52,411
"You must go into it
and love everyone."
1310
01:28:54,413 --> 01:28:59,960
"Try to make everyone happy and
bring peace and contentment,"
1311
01:29:00,044 --> 01:29:01,754
"everywhere you go."
1312
01:29:03,589 --> 01:29:05,549
So I became a waiter.
1313
01:29:14,433 --> 01:29:18,103
Well, it's not much
of a philosophy, I know.
1314
01:29:20,022 --> 01:29:22,900
Well, fuck you.
1315
01:29:23,108 --> 01:29:25,694
I can live my own life
in my own way if I want to.
1316
01:29:27,279 --> 01:29:28,364
Fuck off.
1317
01:29:30,699 --> 01:29:32,535
Don't come following me.
1318
01:29:40,251 --> 01:29:40,291
NARRATOR: The Meaning of
Life, part seven. Death.
1319
01:29:40,292 --> 01:29:44,296
NARRATOR: The Meaning of
Life, part seven. Death.
1320
01:29:47,258 --> 01:29:48,884
([ SEAGULLS CAWING)
1321
01:30:09,655 --> 01:30:11,824
NARRATOR:
This man is about to die.
1322
01:30:11,991 --> 01:30:14,910
In a few moments now,
he will be killed,
1323
01:30:14,994 --> 01:30:17,580
for Arthur Jarrett
is a convicted criminal,
1324
01:30:17,663 --> 01:30:21,584
who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
1325
01:30:25,588 --> 01:30:27,506
There he is.
1326
01:30:28,007 --> 01:30:29,550
[ WOMEN PANTING ]
1327
01:30:41,854 --> 01:30:46,442
Arthur Charles Herbert
Runcie Mac: Adam Jarrett,
1328
01:30:47,526 --> 01:30:51,113
you have been convicted by
12 good persons, and true,
1329
01:30:51,405 --> 01:30:56,243
of the crime of first degree
making of gratuitous sexist jokes,
1330
01:30:56,535 --> 01:30:58,370
in a moving picture.
1331
01:31:22,728 --> 01:31:24,438
[ ARTHUR SCREAMING ]
1332
01:31:35,741 --> 01:31:38,911
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
1333
01:31:40,079 --> 01:31:41,789
[ LEAF SOBBING ]
1334
01:31:42,998 --> 01:31:44,500
LEAF: [ SOBBING ] It's no good.
1335
01:31:44,583 --> 01:31:48,253
[ STAMMERING ] I just can't go on.
I'm no good any-more.
1336
01:31:49,421 --> 01:31:51,840
I want to end it all!
1337
01:31:52,591 --> 01:31:54,927
[ WIND BLOWING ] Goodbye! Goodbye!
1338
01:31:55,010 --> 01:31:56,345
[ SCREAMING ]
1339
01:32:02,434 --> 01:32:04,937
FEMALE LEAF: Oh, my God!
1340
01:32:05,771 --> 01:32:07,773
[ SOBBING ] Oh, no! I...
1341
01:32:08,524 --> 01:32:12,820
What'll I do? I can't
live without him! I...
1342
01:32:14,029 --> 01:32:15,364
[ SCREAMING ]
1343
01:32:17,908 --> 01:32:19,993
BOY LEAF: Mummy! GIRL
LEAF: Mum, where are you?
1344
01:32:20,160 --> 01:32:22,913
[ GIRL LEAF GASPING ]
Daddy? Mummy?
1345
01:32:22,996 --> 01:32:24,957
GIRL LEAF: Mummy?
1346
01:32:25,165 --> 01:32:26,792
[ BOTH SCREAMING ]
1347
01:32:31,880 --> 01:32:33,632
[ ALL SCREAMING ]
1348
01:32:34,425 --> 01:32:35,843
[ DOG BARKING ]
1349
01:32:41,098 --> 01:32:41,556
[ BELL TOLLING ]
1350
01:32:41,557 --> 01:32:43,892
[ BELL TOLLING ]
1351
01:32:48,522 --> 01:32:50,065
[ WIND HOWLING ]
1352
01:33:31,106 --> 01:33:32,149
Yes?
1353
01:33:34,151 --> 01:33:35,694
Is it about the hedge?
1354
01:33:38,530 --> 01:33:42,451
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but...
lam the Grim Reaper.
1355
01:33:42,534 --> 01:33:45,120
Who? The Grim Reaper.
1356
01:33:45,204 --> 01:33:48,582
Yes, I see. I am Death.
1357
01:33:49,792 --> 01:33:50,793
Yes, well, the thing is,
1358
01:33:50,876 --> 01:33:52,961
we've got some people from
America for dinner tonight...
1359
01:33:53,045 --> 01:33:55,422
WOMAN: Who is it, darling?
It's a Mr. Death or something.
1360
01:33:55,506 --> 01:33:58,801
He's come about the reaping? I don't
think we need any at the moment.
1361
01:33:58,884 --> 01:34:02,387
Hello. Don't leave him hanging
around outside, darling. Ask him in.
1362
01:34:02,471 --> 01:34:03,722
I don't think
it's quite the moment.
1363
01:34:03,806 --> 01:34:04,973
Do come in. Come along.
1364
01:34:05,057 --> 01:34:07,476
Come and have a drink.
Do. Come on.
1365
01:34:08,185 --> 01:34:09,561
[ CHATTERING ]
1366
01:34:11,230 --> 01:34:13,816
It's one of the little men
from the village.
1367
01:34:14,149 --> 01:34:16,193
Do come in. Please.
1368
01:34:17,152 --> 01:34:19,863
This is Howard Katzenberg
from Philadelphia.
1369
01:34:19,947 --> 01:34:21,949
Hi. And his wife, Debbie.
1370
01:34:22,032 --> 01:34:23,325
Hello, there.
1371
01:34:23,617 --> 01:34:26,870
And these are the Portland
Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
1372
01:34:26,995 --> 01:34:29,873
Good evening. This is Mr. Death.
1373
01:34:37,172 --> 01:34:40,008
Do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
MAN: Yes.
1374
01:34:41,009 --> 01:34:43,220
Mr. Death is a reaper.
1375
01:34:43,428 --> 01:34:46,598
The Grim Reaper.
1376
01:34:46,932 --> 01:34:49,226
Hardly surprising
in this weather.
1377
01:34:51,770 --> 01:34:54,314
So you still reap around
here, do you, Mr. Death?
1378
01:34:54,398 --> 01:34:58,944
I am the Grim Reaper.
1379
01:34:59,695 --> 01:35:01,280
That's about all he says.
1380
01:35:01,446 --> 01:35:03,949
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
Do sit down.
1381
01:35:04,157 --> 01:35:07,369
We were just talking about some of the
awful problems facing the Third...
1382
01:35:07,452 --> 01:35:09,121
[ GLASS SHATTERING ]
1383
01:35:12,124 --> 01:35:16,169
Would you prefer white? I'm
afraid we don't have any beer.
1384
01:35:16,253 --> 01:35:17,754
The Stilton's awfully good.
1385
01:35:18,630 --> 01:35:24,595
I am not of this world.
1386
01:35:27,014 --> 01:35:28,557
Good Lord.
1387
01:35:28,765 --> 01:35:31,643
I am Death.
1388
01:35:36,064 --> 01:35:37,190
Well, isn't that extraordinary?
1389
01:35:37,274 --> 01:35:39,651
We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.
1390
01:35:39,735 --> 01:35:43,488
Yes, we were. You know, whether
death is really the end...
1391
01:35:43,614 --> 01:35:46,783
As my husband Howard here
feels, or whether there is,
1392
01:35:46,867 --> 01:35:50,078
and one so hates to use words
like soul or spirit...
1393
01:35:50,203 --> 01:35:52,122
What other words can one use?
Exactly.
1394
01:35:52,205 --> 01:35:55,834
You do not understand.
1395
01:35:57,377 --> 01:35:59,713
No. Obviously not.
1396
01:35:59,963 --> 01:36:03,050
I'll tell you something, Mr.
Death... You don't...
1397
01:36:03,133 --> 01:36:05,469
Just one moment. I'd like to express
on behalf of everybody here,
1398
01:36:05,552 --> 01:36:07,721
what a really unique
experience this is.
1399
01:36:07,804 --> 01:36:09,598
JEREMY: Hear, hear.
Yes, we're so delighted
1400
01:36:09,681 --> 01:36:11,224
that you dropped in, Mr. Death.
1401
01:36:11,308 --> 01:36:13,977
Can I just finish, please?
DEBBIE: Mr. Death.
1402
01:36:14,853 --> 01:36:16,855
Is there an afterlife?
1403
01:36:17,564 --> 01:36:19,274
Dear, if you could
just wait, please...
1404
01:36:19,358 --> 01:36:21,068
Are you sure you wouldn't
like some sherry or...
1405
01:36:21,151 --> 01:36:23,195
Angela, I'd like
to say this, please.
1406
01:36:23,278 --> 01:36:24,404
Be quiet!
1407
01:36:24,488 --> 01:36:25,948
Can I just say this
at this time, please?
1408
01:36:26,031 --> 01:36:30,494
Silence! I have come for you.
1409
01:36:32,871 --> 01:36:34,498
You mean to...
1410
01:36:34,581 --> 01:36:37,834
Take you away.
1411
01:36:39,044 --> 01:36:42,089
That is my purpose.
1412
01:36:43,966 --> 01:36:47,177
I am Death.
1413
01:36:49,721 --> 01:36:52,557
Well, that's cast rather a gloom
over the evening, hasn't it?
1414
01:36:52,849 --> 01:36:54,184
I don't see it that way, Geoff.
1415
01:36:54,393 --> 01:36:56,144
Let me tell you what I think
we're dealing with here,
1416
01:36:56,228 --> 01:36:59,064
a potentially positive
learning experience that can...
1417
01:36:59,147 --> 01:37:02,067
Shut up! Shut up, you American.
1418
01:37:02,150 --> 01:37:05,153
You always talk, you Americans.
1419
01:37:05,320 --> 01:37:08,365
You talk and you talk
and you say,
1420
01:37:08,448 --> 01:37:13,370
"Let me tell you something"
and "I just wanna say this."
1421
01:37:13,453 --> 01:37:17,124
Well, you're dead now,
so shut up!
1422
01:37:17,332 --> 01:37:19,876
Dead? Dead.
1423
01:37:21,920 --> 01:37:25,215
All of us? All of you.
1424
01:37:27,467 --> 01:37:28,552
Now look here.
1425
01:37:28,635 --> 01:37:31,263
You barge in here quite
uninvited, break glasses,
1426
01:37:31,346 --> 01:37:33,807
and then announce quite
casually that we're all dead.
1427
01:37:33,890 --> 01:37:37,436
Well, I would remind you that
you're a guest in this house...
1428
01:37:37,519 --> 01:37:42,899
Be quiet! Englishmen!
You're all so fucking pompous!
1429
01:37:43,358 --> 01:37:46,278
None of you have got any balls.
1430
01:37:47,362 --> 01:37:50,115
Can I ask you a question? What?
1431
01:37:50,907 --> 01:37:53,785
How can we all have died
at the same time?
1432
01:38:06,590 --> 01:38:09,009
The salmon mousse.
1433
01:38:10,302 --> 01:38:13,346
Darling, you didn't use
canned salmon, did you?
1434
01:38:13,638 --> 01:38:16,808
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
1435
01:38:17,392 --> 01:38:20,812
Now the time has come.
1436
01:38:22,230 --> 01:38:26,735
Follow. Follow me.
1437
01:38:40,999 --> 01:38:43,668
Just testing. Sorry.
1438
01:38:45,337 --> 01:38:48,715
Follow me. Now.
1439
01:38:55,514 --> 01:38:56,848
Come.
1440
01:39:00,602 --> 01:39:03,396
The fishmonger promised me
he'd have some fresh salmon.
1441
01:39:03,480 --> 01:39:05,607
He's normally so reliable.
1442
01:39:05,690 --> 01:39:08,485
Can we take our glasses?
Good idea.
1443
01:39:08,610 --> 01:39:10,529
[ INDISTINCT CHATTERING ]
1444
01:39:12,030 --> 01:39:14,616
Hey, I didn't even
eat the mousse.
1445
01:39:19,996 --> 01:39:22,457
ANGELA: Honestly, darling,
I'm so embarrassed.
1446
01:39:22,541 --> 01:39:26,044
It really is embarrassing. I mean,
to serve salmon with botulism
1447
01:39:26,128 --> 01:39:28,046
at a dinner party
is social death.
1448
01:39:28,463 --> 01:39:30,090
[ ALL CHATTERING ]
1449
01:39:30,549 --> 01:39:33,218
Shall we take our cars? Why not?
1450
01:39:33,301 --> 01:39:36,138
Good idea. Why not?
1451
01:39:37,055 --> 01:39:38,723
[ ENGINE STARTING ]
1452
01:40:11,590 --> 01:40:15,093
Behold Paradise.
1453
01:40:17,220 --> 01:40:21,099
I love it here, darling.
Me, too, Marvin.
1454
01:40:21,474 --> 01:40:24,019
Hello. Welcome to heaven.
1455
01:40:24,561 --> 01:40:26,104
(♪ [ ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
1456
01:40:33,570 --> 01:40:35,780
Excuse me. Could you just
sign here, please, sir?
1457
01:40:37,199 --> 01:40:38,200
Thank you.
1458
01:40:38,283 --> 01:40:40,243
There's a table for you through
there, in the restaurant.
1459
01:40:40,327 --> 01:40:41,328
Thank you.
1460
01:40:41,453 --> 01:40:44,915
For the ladies. Afterlife mints.
1461
01:40:44,998 --> 01:40:46,791
Thank you. Happy Christmas.
1462
01:40:47,042 --> 01:40:48,501
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
Oh, is it Christmas today?
1463
01:40:48,585 --> 01:40:49,878
Of course, madam.
1464
01:40:49,961 --> 01:40:51,922
It's Christmas every day
in heaven.
1465
01:40:52,005 --> 01:40:54,799
Oh! How 'bout that? Lovely.
1466
01:41:01,723 --> 01:41:03,350
[ PEOPLE GREETING ]
1467
01:41:13,652 --> 01:41:15,028
[ DRUM BEAT ]
1468
01:41:15,111 --> 01:41:16,112
[ ALL MURMURING ]
1469
01:41:16,196 --> 01:41:16,528
[ PEOPLE SHUSHING ]
1470
01:41:16,529 --> 01:41:17,864
[ PEOPLE SHUSHING ]
1471
01:41:40,011 --> 01:41:41,930
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
1472
01:41:42,013 --> 01:41:46,434
It's truly a real honorable
experience to be here this evening,
1473
01:41:46,518 --> 01:41:49,104
a very wonderful and warm
1474
01:41:49,187 --> 01:41:51,564
and emotional moment
for all of us.
1475
01:41:52,274 --> 01:41:54,317
And I'd like to sing a song,
1476
01:41:54,401 --> 01:41:57,320
for all of you.
1477
01:42:01,700 --> 01:42:08,206
♪ [ SINGING ] It's Christmas in ♪
♪ heaven All the children sing. ♪
1478
01:42:09,124 --> 01:42:12,002
♪ It's Christmas in heaven. ♪
1479
01:42:12,294 --> 01:42:16,298
♪ Hark, hark, ♪
♪ those church bells ring. ♪
1480
01:42:16,381 --> 01:42:19,551
♪ It's Christmas in heaven. ♪
1481
01:42:19,843 --> 01:42:23,305
♪ The snow falls from the sky. ♪
1482
01:42:23,388 --> 01:42:26,891
♪ But it's nice and warm ♪
♪ and everyone. ♪
1483
01:42:26,975 --> 01:42:30,312
♪ Looks smart and wears a tie. ♪
1484
01:42:36,234 --> 01:42:39,654
♪ It's Christmas in heaven. ♪
1485
01:42:39,738 --> 01:42:42,824
♪ There's great films on TV. ♪
1486
01:42:43,408 --> 01:42:46,953
♪ The Sound of Musk: Twice an hour. ♪
1487
01:42:47,037 --> 01:42:50,290
♪ And Jaws I, ll and Ill. ♪
1488
01:42:50,749 --> 01:42:54,419
♪ There's gifts for all the family. ♪
1489
01:42:54,502 --> 01:42:58,089
♪ There's toiletries and trains. ♪
1490
01:42:58,173 --> 01:43:01,718
♪ THREE KINGS: [ SINGING ] There's ♪
♪ Sony Walkman headphone sets. ♪
1491
01:43:01,801 --> 01:43:05,013
♪ And the latest video games. ♪
1492
01:43:05,347 --> 01:43:08,308
♪ It's Christmas ♪
♪ It's Christmas in heaven. ♪
1493
01:43:09,726 --> 01:43:12,103
♪ Hip, hip, hip, hip hip hooray. ♪
1494
01:43:12,270 --> 01:43:15,231
♪ Every single day ♪
1495
01:43:15,774 --> 01:43:18,276
♪ Is Christmas Day. ♪
1496
01:43:20,028 --> 01:43:22,781
♪ It's Christmas ♪
♪ It's Christmas in heaven. ♪
1497
01:43:24,199 --> 01:43:26,785
♪ Hip, hip, hip, hip hip hooray. ♪
1498
01:43:26,868 --> 01:43:31,706
♪ Every single day is... ♪
1499
01:43:34,501 --> 01:43:34,666
Well, that's the end
of the film.
1500
01:43:34,667 --> 01:43:35,543
Well, that's the end
of the film.
1501
01:43:35,627 --> 01:43:37,003
Now here's the meaning of life.
1502
01:43:39,464 --> 01:43:40,632
Thank you, Brigitte.
1503
01:43:42,801 --> 01:43:44,469
[ CLEARING THROAT ]
1504
01:43:45,929 --> 01:43:47,209
Well, it's nothing very special.
1505
01:43:47,389 --> 01:43:49,224
"Try and be nice to people.
Avoid eating fat."
1506
01:43:49,307 --> 01:43:51,684
"Read a good book every now and then.
Get some walking in,"
1507
01:43:51,768 --> 01:43:53,395
"and try and live together
in peace and harmony"
1508
01:43:53,478 --> 01:43:55,146
"with people of all creeds
and nations."
1509
01:43:55,814 --> 01:43:58,733
And finally, here are some completely
gratuitous pictures of penises,
1510
01:43:58,817 --> 01:44:01,569
to annoy the censors and to hopefully
spark some sort of controversy,
1511
01:44:01,653 --> 01:44:05,198
which is the only way these days to
get the jaded video-sated public
1512
01:44:05,281 --> 01:44:07,784
off their fucking arses and
back in the sodding cinema.
1513
01:44:07,867 --> 01:44:10,829
Family entertainment? Bollocks.
What they want is filth.
1514
01:44:11,037 --> 01:44:12,163
People doing things
to each other
1515
01:44:12,247 --> 01:44:14,124
with chainsaws
during Tupperware parties,
1516
01:44:14,207 --> 01:44:17,585
baby-sitters being stabbed with knitting
needles by gay presidential candidates,
1517
01:44:17,669 --> 01:44:19,587
vigilante groups
strangling chickens,
1518
01:44:19,671 --> 01:44:22,382
armed bands of theatre critics
exterminating mutant goats.
1519
01:44:22,465 --> 01:44:25,510
Where's the fun in pictures?
Oh, well, there we are.
1520
01:44:25,593 --> 01:44:27,887
Here's the theme music.
Good night.
1521
01:44:41,276 --> 01:44:45,780
♪ [ SINGING ] Just remember that ♪
♪ you're standing on a planet. ♪
1522
01:44:45,864 --> 01:44:50,034
♪ That's evolving and revolving ♪
♪ at 900 miles an hour. ♪
1523
01:44:51,119 --> 01:44:55,081
♪ It's orbiting at 19 miles ♪
♪ a second, so it's reckoned. ♪
1524
01:44:55,165 --> 01:44:58,209
♪ A sun that is the source ♪
♪ of all our power. ♪
1525
01:44:59,085 --> 01:45:02,881
♪ The sun and you and me and all ♪
♪ the stars that we can see. ♪
1526
01:45:03,006 --> 01:45:06,217
♪ Are moving ♪
♪ at a million miles a day. ♪
1527
01:45:07,010 --> 01:45:10,972
♪ In an outer spiral arm ♪
♪ at 40,000 miles an hour. ♪
1528
01:45:11,055 --> 01:45:13,892
♪ Of the galaxy ♪
♪ we call the Milky Way. ♪
1529
01:45:22,942 --> 01:45:26,863
♪ Our galaxy itself contains ♪
♪ a hundred billion stars. ♪
1530
01:45:26,946 --> 01:45:30,158
♪ It's a hundred thousand ♪
♪ light years side to side. ♪
1531
01:45:30,950 --> 01:45:34,287
♪ It bulges in the middle ♪
♪ 16,000 light years thick. ♪
1532
01:45:34,370 --> 01:45:37,999
♪ But out by us, it's just ♪
♪ 3,000 light years wide. ♪
1533
01:45:38,875 --> 01:45:42,462
♪ We're 30,000 light years ♪
♪ from galactic central point. ♪
1534
01:45:42,545 --> 01:45:45,548
♪ We go round every ♪
♪ 200 million years. ♪
1535
01:45:46,633 --> 01:45:50,220
♪ And our galaxy is only ♪
♪ one of millions of billions. ♪
1536
01:45:50,303 --> 01:45:53,515
♪ In this amazing ♪
♪ and expanding universe. ♪
1537
01:46:26,005 --> 01:46:30,426
♪ The universe itself keeps on ♪
♪ expanding and expanding. ♪
1538
01:46:30,510 --> 01:46:33,638
♪ In all of the directions ♪
♪ it can whizz. ♪
1539
01:46:34,514 --> 01:46:38,351
♪ As fast as it can go at the ♪
♪ speed of light, you know. ♪
1540
01:46:38,476 --> 01:46:41,980
♪ Twelve million miles a minute and ♪
♪ that's the fastest speed there is. ♪
1541
01:46:42,063 --> 01:46:46,234
♪ So remember when you're feeling ♪
♪ very small and insecure. ♪
1542
01:46:46,317 --> 01:46:49,487
♪ How amazingly unlikely ♪
♪ is your birth. ♪
1543
01:46:50,572 --> 01:46:53,825
♪ And pray that there's intelligent ♪
♪ life somewhere up in space ♪
1544
01:46:53,908 --> 01:46:56,786
♪ 'Cause there's bugger all ♪
♪ down here on Earth ♪
121957
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