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1
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[inhales sharply]
2
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[grunts, groans]
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[sputters]
4
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- Welcome to Ron Wilcox's
Action Star School.
5
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I'm Ron Wilcox,
and that was your first lesson.
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- Getting hit in the head with a bat?
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- Oh, you are naive. That was a prop bat.
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It was made of plastic.
- Wasn't goddamn plastic.
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I've been hit with a bat before.
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I know what a metal bat fucking feel like.
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- All right, hey.
Mr. Van De Velde told me to tell him
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if you complain about anything
being too difficult.
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- No. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not complaining.
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- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not complaining about nothing. I loved that.
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- Mm-hmm.
- I thought it was great,
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to be honest with you. Gave me a rush.
- Good. Let's take the tour.
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- Yeah.
- Come on.
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This place used to be a slaughterhouse
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up until the '70s,
and then, as legend has it,
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the animals revolted
against their tormentors
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and they slaughtered the humans.
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KEVIN: Oh, my God.
- And my pal Charles Norris--
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you know him as Chuck--
well, he needed a place to train.
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- Mm-hmm.
- I bought it, I mentored him.
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And that's why he's the badass
that he is today.
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[exhales sharply] Yeah.
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He nearly died within these walls.
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And that's how Ron Wilcox's
Action Star School got born.
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- Ron Wilcox's ASS for short.
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- What the fuck did you just say to me?
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- Did Matt get... Matt Damon go here?
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[laughs] Oh, Matty boy!
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Fuck yeah!
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Matt Damon. Before he came to me,
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he was a no-name actor from New England.
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He was nothing.
He was 100 pounds soaking wet.
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- Uh, you sure we're talking
about the same Matt Damon?
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- Hell yeah. Matt Damon.
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- Huh. Okay.
[phone ringing]
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Yeah. If you say...
- Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
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Rule number one:
no phones till you graduate.
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- Okay, I-I run an empire,
so unfortunately, I need my...
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- Okay, fine. You know what I'll do?
44
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I'll just call Mr. Van De Velde,
and I'll tell him, "Oh,
45
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"the phone policy wasn't working for him.
46
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It-it wasn't to his liking."
47
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- I never s...
- I know what you're gonna do with this.
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You're gonna make calls to Hollywood,
you're gonna say,
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"Hello, Hollywood,
Ron's school is too tough for me.
50
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I need more drugs."
51
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- No.
- Yeah. You're gonna say,
52
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"Oh, I'm Kevin Hart.
I need more caviar and champagne."
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- I just want to talk to my employees.
54
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- That's fine, but I'm still keeping it.
55
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- Okay.
56
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[dramatic music plays]
57
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[sighs]
58
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- Okay.
Until you graduate, you are forbidden
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from visiting the outside world.
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You'll stay here.
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- Say what?
- You got your bed,
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you got your toilet, you got your sink.
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All the modern amenities.
64
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[metal thudding, creaking]
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- Okay. It's supposed to toughen me up.
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Okay, I get it.
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Yeah. I'm good with that.
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Yeah.
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Might be a little too good with it.
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- And rule number two:
no fucking on the premises.
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No anal, no blowjobs, no nothing.
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- Who else is here?
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- Just me.
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- So those-those two Colombian guys
that hit me
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in the head with the prop bat,
they were actors, right?
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- Yeah. Exactly.
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Okay, rule number three:
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when you're under this roof,
your name is no longer Kevin.
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It's Agent Hart.
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And you'll refer to me
81
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:25,457
as Ron Wilcox or Ron
or Wilcox or Coach Ron.
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- I like Coach Ron.
- And I refer to you as?
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- Agent Hart. Right? See, I'm on it.
- Right. Yes.
84
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- Now I assume you got me
in this FBI jacket and stuff
85
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for a reason, so what is it?
- Hey.
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Uh, would you do me a favor?
- Yeah.
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- Uh, Kevin,
would you grab that chair for me?
88
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- Yeah, you need this one?
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- No, goddamn it!
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I said respond only to "Agent Hart."
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- Fuck. [sighs]
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You just said that. I fucked up.
93
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I'm sorry. That's not gonna happen again.
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Why don't you just call me Kevin?
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- Okay, in your life, have you ever heard
96
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an action star leading man
ever called "Kevin"?
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- I mean, Kevin James in Mall Cop.
-No, no.
98
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- Kevin is the name of a punk bitch.
99
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Ethan Hunt. That is an action star name.
100
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Tom Cruise-- who's my alumni--
for nine years of his life,
101
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he only responded to "Ethan Hunt."
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Whether he was on camera
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or off camera, whether he was...
- Wow.
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- ...in the shower or on the toilet,
whether he was fucking
105
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or not fucking.
- All right, okay.
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I fuck-- I understand, Coach Ron.
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- Do you? Do you really?
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I hope so.
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For your sake,
'cause your life depends on it.
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[dramatic music plays]
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Okay, next lesson.
112
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Every leading man needs to know how to run
113
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into a burning building
and save a stranger.
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- Mm.
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Wow.
116
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Holy shit, how'd you do that?
- And the stranger
117
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that we are going to save today
is our own Action Star dummy
118
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Lil Kevin.
119
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- That supposed to be me?
120
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- I don't see the resemblance.
121
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,300
- Are you fucking kidding...
- No, w--
122
00:05:03,387 --> 00:05:05,967
We-we've had this dummy for years, buddy.
123
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DUMMY:
Oh, hell no!
124
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- Bitch, that's my line.
125
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I've said that line in, like, 12 movies.
126
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,864
- Agent Hart, are you a narcissist?
127
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- No.
- Do you think the whole world is all about you?
128
00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:16,686
- That's not, I'm not...
- No, no.
129
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:19,025
You look at you and then you look at him.
130
00:05:19,111 --> 00:05:20,201
- That's why I...
- Look at you and look at him.
131
00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:22,159
Do you see any resemblance?
132
00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:24,159
- Kinda sorta, man.
133
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,031
O-Okay. All right, okay.
134
00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:27,658
Maybe I'm crazy.
135
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DUMMY:
Help! Help me!
136
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:32,076
Oh, hell no! Help!
137
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,035
Help me! Oh, hell no!
138
00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:36,956
- Now, safety during stunts
is of the utmost importance.
139
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:40,415
- Yeah, but I mean,
that's why you got stuntmen, right?
140
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,047
- Watch it.
141
00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,724
- No, for the other guys. Not for me.
142
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,892
The-the lightweights. I don't...
143
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:48,471
- Okay. Your jacket is flame-retardant,
144
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,927
which means that if you catch on fire,
145
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:53,228
don't panic,
I will come in and put you out.
146
00:05:53,312 --> 00:05:56,232
- Okay. Y-You're gonna...
147
00:05:56,315 --> 00:05:58,185
Ok-- I feel, I feel good,
I feel good about that.
148
00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,815
- When you're ready,
I want you to storm the house,
149
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:03,413
find the victim and bring him to safety.
150
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,278
- [growling]
151
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,945
- What is that?
152
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,294
- [growling]
153
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,328
- What are you doing? I-I don't...
154
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:10,371
I don't...
- [barking]
155
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,464
Psyching myself up.
156
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,289
[barking]
157
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,174
[growling]
158
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,791
[howling]
159
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,458
It's hot.
160
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,257
Hot.
161
00:06:22,341 --> 00:06:24,261
[barking]
162
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:26,353
[coughing]
163
00:06:29,515 --> 00:06:31,515
[hacking]
164
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,855
It's fucking hot!
Where the fuck are you at?
165
00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:41,279
Oh, God. Oh, fuck, I can't see shit.
166
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,690
Lil Kev?
167
00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:44,238
- Excuse me?
168
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,365
Are you Ron Wilcox?
- Well, hello.
169
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,199
How are you?
- Jordan King.
170
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,204
- We've been waiting for you.
- [chuckles]
171
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,616
DUMMY: Help! Help me!
- I got you, buddy.
172
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,464
I got you, Little Kev!
- Oh, hell no!
173
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:56,880
I'm about to save your little
beautiful black ass.
174
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:59,839
[coughing]
- Help! Help me!
175
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,340
Oh, hell no!
176
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,261
KEVIN: What the fuck?
- Help! Help me!
177
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:06,300
- Who's this? What the...?
- Oh, hell no!
178
00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,925
- Oh! [screams]
- Help! Help me!
179
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,062
[screams]
180
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,718
Oh, hell no!
- It's fucking hot!
181
00:07:11,807 --> 00:07:13,767
- Help! Help me!
- Get your ass up.
182
00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:15,851
- Yeah, um, I'm just so nervous.
183
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:18,686
[chuckles]
I've never been in an action movie before.
184
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,232
I just want bring my A game here.
185
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,105
- Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- 90% is mental, okay?
186
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,572
- It's hot! It's hot!
- You are gonna be fantastic.
187
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:26,822
- Coach Ron! [screaming]
- I just know it.
188
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:28,655
- Oh, shit, is he okay?
189
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:32,540
- Oh, Christ, you leave this guy
alone for five seconds. Geez.
190
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,449
KEVIN: Put me out!
Put me out, put me out, put me out!
191
00:07:34,499 --> 00:07:39,049
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