All language subtitles for Assisted Living s04e02 Houston, We Have a Karen.eng

People ought to learn how to act
when they go somewhere.

-People just act crazy.
-What's wrong with you?

Okay, I was at the store
and got into an alteration.

Unless you got
your pants hemmed,

I think you mean "altercation."

Whatever it is, I got into one,
and it just got ugly,

didn't even have to turn into
nothing like that.

Just tell me what happened.

Okay, I'm at the store
at the cookie line, right,

'cause I'm trying to get me
some Snickerdoodles.

I look down the aisle
and there is

just one bag
of Snickerdoodles left.

So I take off
and this lady take off

'cause we see them
at the same time.

I get there first,
I get the Snickerdoodles.

And you got into a stupid fight
over that?

No, worse.
She called the police.

She called the police
over some cookies?

Yes, you should've heard her.

Hello, Mr. police man,

it's a scary
African-American man

sitting here threatening me,

and he stole my cookies.

He's threatening me.
He's threatening me.

You know what? Lucky for me,

it was witnesses
and cameras everywhere,

so when the police got there,
they was like,

"This ain't nothing.
Woman, just get out of here.

Go, go."

Man, so you was almost a victim
of a Karen.

Yeah, she better be glad
I'm a man of faith.

If I see her face again,

I may fool around and break
one of the Commandments,

and just...
Ooh, she almost made me cuss.

I better calm down.

I better not ever see her again.

Calm down, Mr. Brown.

[doorbell rings]

Okay, now what's going on
with you?

Uh, nothing, yet.

I...

I just learned

that a serial killer
who I sentenced to life

when I was Detroit Judge
back in the '80s

has escaped.

Okay, so why
you worried about that?

That was, what, 40 years ago?

You moved. There's no way
he could find you.

-Good.
-Oh, Jeremy, look, look, look.

Look at this ad I put
on the social media

for the facility here.

Look, listen to this slogan.

"Use good judgement.
Stay at Pleasant Day."

Wait, you used my face

and my name.

Yeah, you get it.
"Use good judgement."

-You a judge.
-Wait...

That's the slogan.
"Use good judgement."

Wait, you also have a map

with step-by-step directions
of how to get here?

Well, how else,
'cause they don't know

how to get to the facility.

Mr. Brown, you just signed
my death warrant.

[doorbell ringing]

-Oh, my God.
-Excuse me.

That must be the new resident
that social worker sent over.

I wish I had more time to prep.

Can you at least make sure
our room is clean.

Okay, I hope, I hope they nice.

People mean in this world.

[doorbell ringing]

-Oh.
-"Oh" what?

Nothing.

Okay, well, welcome
to Pleasant Days.

Show me to my room. I'm tired.

Okay, well, wait a minute now.
All right.

Uh, I'm Jeremy, and...

Congratulations.
My name is Karen.

Of course it is.

I'm not feeling very social.

I just got into an altercation
at the grocery store

with a scary
African-American man

who stole my cookies
and threatened me.

He threatened me!

Wow. There's a lot
of alterations going on today.

♪ No matter what you do
I love ♪

♪ No matter when you go
I'm behind you for sure ♪

♪ Always remember
blood aint never water ♪

♪ We'll make it
if we stay together ♪

Okay, so you say
you had a run-in

with an African-American male
at the grocery store?

-I sure did.
-Okay.

And what did this male
look like?

Well, he was bald

and he wore clothes
that made me fear for my safety.

How did his clothes
make you fear for your safety?

Well, they were
such bright, clashing colors.

They could only be worn
by someone

that was not mentally well.

Yeah, I can actually see
that one.

And he also yelled at me
in a foreign language.

Phew. Yeah, Mr. Brown doesn't
know any foreign languages.

-Excuse me.
-Oh, nothing, nothing.

Finish telling me your story.

I told him I would call
the police

if he didn't give me
the cookies,

and that's when he yelled
the foreign words.

He said,
"Hush, don't be scared. Okay?

I had no idea what it meant,
but it sounded like a threat.

I know exactly what it meant.

Uh, listen. I don't want
to alarm you, okay,

-[Jeremy] but, okay...
-Hey, I got the room ready.

-You!
-You!

What's the matter, Mr. Brown,
you don't like white women?

I ain't got nothing
against white women.

I got something against her.

She called the police on me.

Mr. Brown, this is Ms. Karen.
She's our new resident.

Okay, wait a minute.

Her name is Karen
and she is Karen?

Okay, all right, Mr. Brown.
That's enough, all right?

She a mess.

Everybody, just relax, okay.
Let's make a fresh start.

Clean slate, okay?
Let's welcome our new resident.

Welcome? I don't even feel safe.

Okay, hands up. Don't call.
Hands...

That's what I had to do.
Hands up, don't call.

Get that man away from me.

And you keep that Karen
away from me.

I'm sorry. There must be
some misunderstanding.

Mr. Brown is, like, part owner

and he's one of
the nicest people I ever met.

How can I trust you?

If you're friends
with a man like that,

-how could I?
-Like what?

Okay, hold it.
All right, all right,

how about everybody go
to a neutral corner,

let's start this over
and figure it out, all right?

How about I show you
to your room?

Don't you dare.

Hands up. Hands up.

Suit yourself.
It's the last room on the left.

Hands up.

I told you she crazy.
You better watch your back.

Me? She mad at you.

She'll fool around
and mistake us

'cause you know they say
we all look alike.

They finna call the police
and say,

"Uh, it's a suspect
about this tall."

And they'd be looking
for everybody this tall.

"And he had medium hair."

They ain't say what color,
just "medium hair."

This is medium hair sometimes.

-Man, cut it out, Mr. Brown.
-I got medium hair.

Get me all riled up.

Reginald.

Who's Reginald? Who is Reginald?

My name is Alistair White.

Dear, I too
find roleplay titillating,

but, remember,
I am a professional.

And so I need advanced notice
to rehearse.

[whimpering]

-Okay.
-What was that safe word again,

because I'm tapping out
of this game?

Okay, fine.

Uh, I only put on this disguise

because a serial killer
I put away has escaped.

And what?

You think,
after all these years,

that he's
going to track you down

and take gruesome revenge?

But the last words he said

before the bailiff
took him away was,

"I'm going to track you down
and seek gruesome revenge."

I'm sure he has forgotten
all about you.

He's also
an obsessive personality

that once he gets an urge
in his mind, he can't stop

until he's satisfied it.

Reminds me
of all my ex-husbands.

This is serious.

Your situation reminds me
of a movie I once starred in

about a serial killer
who escapes jail

and gets revenge
on the man who wronged him.

-And how did it end?
-The killer had him for dinner.

-That's nice.
-As in he ate him

with honey glaze
and a slice of pineapple.

The movie was called
Silence of the Hams.

You're not making me
feel any better.

This guy was called
the Merry Mauler.

He would laugh
as he strangled his victims.

Will you stop worrying,

and please show some backbone?

Frankly, your cowardice
is quite unbecoming.

Well, most of his victims
were beautiful women.

How beautiful?

Beautiful enough
to be actresses.

Oh, my.

[Cell phone alert beeping]

-Oh, no.
-What?

There's been
a Merry Mauler sighting.

Where?

-He's been sighted across town.
-What town?

Well, our town.

Thank you for standing vigil
with me like this, Anastasia.

Reginald, dear,
I care about you deeply.

And I would support you
in any way possible.

If we have any hopes
of surviving the night,

it's important that one of us
stand guard at all times.

Well, have fun with that.

Anastasia Devereux
doesn't do watch duty.

Just consider that I'm here
for moral support.

-Oh, no, you don't.
-Nighty night.

If you ladies want equality,

then you're going to have to
pull your weight

and stand guard.

But you're so strong and brave,

and I need you to protect me
with your big, manly muscles.

If you put it that way.

My pleasure, my lady.

You get your beauty sleep
and I'll stand guard.

My hero.

Nighty night.

So how do you like
your eggs, Beyoncé?

Over-easy or hard-boiled?

-Wake up, Reginald!
-Mm?

You're supposed to be
standing guard,

not dreaming about
my competition.

Have you forgotten

that the Merry Mauler
is on the loose

and that he laughs
before he strangles his victims?

[diabolical laughing]

Ah! The Merry Mauler!

Don't be like those fools
in those horror films

that go and try to investigate
the danger.

But how else are we gonna know
if it's really the killer?

Karen, what...
You scared me half to death.

I must be white as a ghost.

No offense.

I just came out
to get something to eat.

Why were you laughing?

Because I was plotting

to get all
of Mr. Brown's Snickerdoodles.

What's wrong with you people?

You people?
What do you mean "you people"?

Listen, dear, there is
a serial killer on the loose.

And I insist that you go
back to your room this instant

and not come out
until he has been apprehended.

Why are you protecting me?

You misunderstand.
I'm protecting me.

I don't get it.

Honey, I have starred
in enough horror films

to know this:

When there are white folks
in the movie,

you'd best believe

that the black character
is guaranteed to die.

Finally, the coast is clear.

Now, where did Mr. Brown
hide those Snickerdoodles?

Hey, you better not put
your hands on my Snickerdoodles.

Oh, snap out of...
"Ah, ah!" Like you in distress.

Oh, well, you frightened me.

Oh, a baby seal
would frighten you

if the fur was black.

Oh, now, don't you dare
play that race card with me.

I don't have a racist bone
in my body.

Well, ain't nobody
playing no race card,

-but you just...
-You stop right there.

Or what?
You gonna call the police

for me being in my own kitchen?

Finally, you have a good idea.

Oh, no. I forgot my phone.
Can I borrow yours?

Yes, here you go.
You can rig--

No, you can't use my phone
to call the police on me.

Without my phone,
I'm completely defenseless.

Oh, oh, Lord, protect me.

Oh, you so dramatic.

Yes, every time,
you just dramatic.

[screaming] Don't kill me.

What?

Kill? You said, "Dear Lord,"

and you supposed to forgive
those who trespass against you.

So we gonna break bread
like they did in the Bible,

like Jesus said.

Not allergic are you?

With this I'ma kill you?
You just dramatic.

So how you want your toast,
original or extra crispy?

You two up early.
You finally kiss and make up?

Never. He threatened me
with a knife.

Okay, you gonna stop making
all these false accommodations.

-It's "accusations."
-Whatever. They false.

Look, Ms. Karen, I understand

that you're
not comfortable here.

And how is that my fault?

I'm not saying
it's anybody's fault.

You, you don't know
whose fault it is?

I know whose fault it is.
I'm just not saying who.

-Really? Really?
-[Jeremy] Mm-hmm.

Look, Ms. Karen,
you came here yesterday,

you had this whole big situation
with Mr. Brown,

and everybody got off
on the wrong foot, okay?

Now, frankly,
it's gotten out of hand.

That's the understatement
of the decade.

Well, I need you to understand

that we
do not discriminate here, okay?

We don't care about race,
religion, or sexual orientation.

Now, this facility
is my number-one priority.

We are a family here
and everybody gets along.

-I understand.
-Yeah.

So now I want to do something
that I should've done yesterday.

Say no more.
Can I have until 10:00?

8:30.

Yes, you take
as long as you need.

I'll go this way.

Hm, she thought I was
gonna stab her with this.

I got $40,000 in this place.

How much?

-$40,000.
-$40,000.

Ah, you made it.

Did I have a choice?

Jeremy, I wanna tell you
that I'm not happy

about my short stay here.

Neither am I, believe me.

-Welcome to Pleasant Days.
-Welcome to Pleasant Days.

Oh, I don't understand.

Yeah, you know, I'm really sorry

that we didn't get the chance

to properly welcome you
to the facility.

Oh, this, this is so nice.

I'm blown away.

That's no big deal.
We actually do this

for all of our new residents
to make them feel welcome.

Brought my suitcase out here,

fully expecting you
to kick me out.

Well, you know what they say
about expectations.

Sometimes they are dead wrong.

-I see that now.
-[Anastasia] Darling,

you're now an official member
of the family.

But don't get ahead of yourself.

You're not quite invited
to the cookout just yet.

The cookout?
Y'all are barbecuing today?

Why can't I come?

A story for another time.

But I make
a killer potato salad.

I mean, it-- Don't worry,
it's not too seasoned

and I put in plenty of raisins.

Uh, darling,
let us handle the cooking.

And Reginald and I
are going to gather up

the rest of the residents
who are clearly on CPT.

What's CPT?

Something you better get
used to.

Lord, it's time to party.
Ding, dong, the witch is...

Wait a minute.

I thought,
when you invited me to a party,

you was inviting me
to a going-away party for her.

-What she still doing here?
-Mr. Brown.

No, it's okay.

Mr. Brown has every right
to be mad at me.

Now, you ain't gonna tell me
what I got the right to do...

-What?
-It's true.

-I treated you very unfairly.
-Mm.

I guess I've just never had
much interaction

with, you know...

No, no, I don't know.

Well, I'm sorry.

I, I don't mean to be offensive.

I just...
But what do I call you?

Leroy Brown?

-That'll work.
-[Karen] Okay.

Say Leroy Brown,
Mr. Brown, Sexy...

Okay, all right. Mr. Brown,

stop dealing--Stop messing
with Ms. Karen, all right.

Okay, now, look, we get it.

You ain't never been around
this many black folks before.

Yes, thanks.

And with the way
the media portrays things,

and without
any real-life relationships

to help dispel
those horrible myths,

I guess I just learned
to be afraid and uncomfortable.

And in her defense,

if you ever met Vinny,
boy, he is scary.

You met Vinny before?

No, but bottom line

is I'm sorry for the way
I behaved, Mr. Brown.

-Okay.
-And in spite

of your ridiculous wardrobe,
I mean,

who dresses like
a colorblind clown, am I right?

You seem to be
a very sweet and lovely man.

Okay, well, I accept
half of your apology.

Under one condition:
you stop being a Karen.

But I've always been a Karen.
That's my name.

No, no, not that Karen...

You don't know the phrase,
do you?

Okay, I'ma give you a quiz.

What do you do when you go
into the dollar store

and your discount coupon
is expired?

Well, that's easy.
I ask to speak to the manager.

No, you pay the dollar
like everybody else.

It's the "dollar" store.

I suppose I do have
some work to do.

Right, see, that's a Karen.

Stop acting like you entitled
and all that,

and calling the police
on everybody,

just getting everybody
in trouble.

Stop that. Don't do that.

Well, consider me
in Karen's Anonymous.

And Mr. Brown,
you can be my sponsor

and keep me
on the straight-and-narrow.

Okay. You know what?

This is a party.
I say we celebrate.

We celebrate with my favorite.

-My favorite, Snickerdoodles.
-Snickerdoodles

-[Karen] Ooh.
-Grab you one.

That's it. That's my girl there.

Now, hold on.
We got a long way to go.

You supposed to bump it.
Take it back and bump it.

Close your fist and bump it.
Yes.

There we go, home girl.

Yeah, you gotta get you
some braids.

Might get you a grill
and everything.

Let's do some Mary J. Blige.
You know who Mary J. Blige is?

-I saw her on Super Bowl.
-No? Yes?

Yes, you gotta learn
to grab yourself.

Yeah, that's twerking.

See all that clapping going on?

That ain't
no church crowd clapping.

Them is... Whoo!

Whoa! She dropped... Wow.

-I could not do that.
-Well...

The authorities apprehended
the Merry Mauler.

He's back behind bars.

-Where did they catch him?
-Uh, in the drive-through

-at Bama's Big Kuntry Burgers.
-Oh, okay.

Turns out he wasn't obsessed
with me at all.

He busted out of prison
to have a cheeseburger.

[Karen] Oh, great.

Do you feel
like you can relax now?

Well, one can never be
too careful.

So if a guy with crazy eyes

and a tattoo of Mr. T's face
ever shows up around here,

you've never seen me before.

This is BET.

I just saw that drug dealer
cruising the block again.

How do you know
he was a drug dealer?

Oh, Karen, come on.

A black teenager
driving a brand new Mercedes?

You mean
the money-green Mercedes?

Yes, so you've seen him too?

Yeah, that's Dr. Webb's car.

Dr. Webb is Pastor Webb.

And he let his son drive the car

to celebrate him
getting straight As

on his report card.
That kid is a genius.

-Oh, really?
-Yes.

In my defense,

if this Dr. Webb person
prescribes medication,

then, technically,
he is a dealer of drugs,

and I wasn't wrong, right?

You dead wrong, right?

Oh, that's terrible.
Don't do that.

Now watch this one how she drop.

-Whoa.
-Oh.

[Mr. Brown] Ooh.

Don't they get hurt doing that?

-No, you think you can try that?
-Oh, my gosh.

-No, you'd break something.
-I think so too.

-Too old.
-Yeah.

Thirty years ago, maybe.

[music]

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