Original subtitles

♪ My mind's telling me no ♪

♪ But my body ♪

♪ My body's telling me yes ♪

[MAN & WOMAN MOANING]

♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪

♪ With a little bump and grind With a little bump and grind ♪

♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪

♪ Hey, baby, hey ♪

I love you so much.

I love you too.

♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪

♪ With a little bump and grind ♪

♪ With a little bump and grind I don't see nothing wrong ♪♪

[MOANING]

We'll take it.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Oi! ♪

♪ Confidence is a preference For the habitual voyeur ♪

♪ Of what is known as ♪

♪ Parklife ♪

♪ And morning soup can be avoided If you take a route straight through ♪

♪ What is known as ♪

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

♪ Parklife ♪

♪ All the people ♪

♪ So many people ♪

♪ And they all go hand in hand ♪

♪ Hand in hand through their parklife ♪

♪ Know what I mean? ♪♪

NOBBY: One, two, three.

- Push. - But, Dad, I'm out of breath.

Yeah, well, I told you not to smoke.

I thought you just meant crack.

No, I meant cigarettes too.

At your age, you should just be vaping.

- Push. BRITNEY: Where's Mum?

- She's still in the furniture store. - Hey, Dad, let's put it in here.

No. That is me brother's room.

But, Dad, he's been missing for 28 years.

We need the room. There's nine of us.

No. I'm keeping it the way he likes it.

Though when he comes back, I'll have to break it to him...

that some of his childhood heroes didn't love women...

as much as we thought.

[♪♪♪]

And one of them liked them a little too much.

SKELETOR: Dad, you're never gonna find him.

- You might as well just give up. - Give up?

I know he's out there somewhere.

And one day...

he's gonna join our family again.

[BEEPING]

Green Earth.

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN: Agent Graves, your feed is live.

The target is Maelstrom's second in command.

He has information we must extract.

[OVER EARBUD] Capture and interrogate. Do not terminate.

Interception in nine, eight, seven, six...

five, four, three, two, one.

[SEBASTIAN GRUNTING]

Eyes on the target.

[ALL CLAMORING]

Easy. Eyes on the target.

Be advised, multiple hostiles to the east.

[SCREAMS]

Target mobile.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Target heading north.

[SCREAMS]

SEBASTIAN: Alpha 1's now Bravo 1. He's mobile.

Roger that.

Out of the way. Move, move.

May I borrow this? Thank you.

Now complete on Bravo 1, following Bravo 1.

[♪♪♪]

Alpha 1 now on Foxtrot. I'm in pursuit.

Hostiles to your south, advancing on your position.

Bravo 1 is now mobile. He has backup. End pursuit now.

I'd rather not.

[GRUNTS]

Come on. My gun!

Commander, relay back.

We are now nearing the limit of live feed transmission.

[GRUNTING]

Hello, chaps.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[MAN SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Permission to abort now.

Commander, acknowledge.

[YELLS]

[YELLING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[CHOKING]

Goodbye.

Buckle up!

[MAN SCREAMS]

[SEBASTIAN GRUNTS]

[♪♪♪]

[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]

Lonomia caterpillar toxin's entered your bloodstream, Mr. Beder.

You have 90 seconds until heart failure.

I do, however, have the antidote here.

Perhaps you'd like to say what the Maelstrom Syndicate are planning.

Sixty seconds.

Rhonda George.

- An assassination. - Rhonda George?

JODIE: She's the actress and philanthropist.

She's hosting an event for WorldCure in two days, sir.

Give me the antidote.

It's too late, I'm afraid.

[EXHALES]

I want you at this event, Sebastian.

Very wise, Commander Ledford.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Welbeck's touch. Rooney's there, too.

Now Carrick, here's Baines.

Oh, he's free.

[ALL CHEERING]

England are heading to the semis...

to the delight of millions at home!

Hey, everyone.

Let's celebrate responsibly.

[ALL CHEER]

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink ♪

♪ He drinks a lager drink He drinks a cider drink ♪

♪ He sings the songs that remind him Of the good times ♪

♪ He sings the songs that remind him Of the better times ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up ♪♪

ALL: Ooh!

NOBBY: Can't believe it's happened again.

Get it out. Get it out.

Get it out. Get out.

- He's gonna blow. - Out the way, ladies.

- I've got the fire extinguisher. - Thank the Lord.

[ALL CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Where's Nobby? Where is he?

- Where's Nobby? Nobby! - In there.

Nobby. Nobby, Nobby.

[PANTING]

Why are you so out of breath?

- I've run all the way from home. - But you only live across the street.

Do you remember me cousin, Digger?

- What, the thief? - Yeah. Well, he was nicking coats...

at a posh event, and you'll never guess who he saw.

- Who? - We finally found him.

We finally found your brother.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Nobby and Sebastian Butcher.

YOUNG SEBASTIAN: We're the Butcher Boys of Grimsby.

They'll never split us up.

BOTH: Forever!

BOB: Your brother is gonna be at a fancy party tomorrow.

NOBBY: But how will I get in? BOB: Me cousin's nicked you a ticket.

REPORTER [ON TV]: Leaders from around the world...

such as the head of the World Health Organization...

Javier Alvarez and celebrities, including Daniel Radcliffe...

have gathered at this WorldCure event...

sponsored by philanthropist, Rhonda George.

[CONTACT BEEPS]

Green Earth.

JODIE: Agent Graves...

your feed is live.

- Who's this in my ear? - It's me.

And stop flirting. We're on an open channel.

Right.

[♪♪♪]

[SECURITY WAND WAVERING]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[CHATTERING]

- How much? - Complimentary, sir.

How now?

H i.

Have you seen me brother? He's Sebastian.

Here's a photo of him. It was taken a few years ago.

JODIE [OVER EARBUD]: Are you in position yet, Agent Graves?

[♪♪♪]

[SNICKERING]

Uh-oh.

Huh?

Come on. It's stuck.

Come on.

MAN: Please welcome Rhonda George.

[♪♪♪]

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

When I started WorldCure...

people would constantly say to me:

"You cannot rid the world of disease."

I would look them straight in the eye...

and say, "Yes, I can."

LEDFORD: Can you detect any imminent threat, Graves?

RHONDA: We are gonna figure this out.

And it all starts right here, right now...

with one little boy.

His name is Schlomo Khalidi.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will cure the world.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Mummy was Jewish.

Daddy was Palestinian.

But they both loved each other so very much.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I was born with HIV.

Now I am very sick with AIDS.

NOBBY: Yes! Fantastic! WOMAN: Shh.

- You are not coming back from that. WOMAN: Shh!

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

SCHLOMO: Though this disease may kill me...

The operator.

why can't we stop killing each other in the Middle East?

Where's the operator?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

The camera's a gun.

[♪♪♪]

Damn. The camera's a gun!

NOBBY: Mm...

[♪♪♪]

[YELLING]

[ALL GASP AND SHRIEK]

- Who are you? - It's me.

Nobby.

Nobby?

♪ Oh, my brother ♪

♪ Where you been? ♪

♪ It's been the longest time apart ♪

♪ And I remember days ♪

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

♪ Long before you broke my ♪♪

[AUDIENCE CLAMORING]

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

LEDFORD: What the hell just happened?

MAN: The head of the World Health Organization's been shot.

LEDFORD: Locate the shooter. Locate the shooter.

[ALL CLAMORING]

There's the shooter!

Tiger Tail. Undercover.

- My shot was compromised. - Take him out!

We have confirmation.

Graves took the shot.

Graves?

[♪♪♪]

NOBBY: Ow!

[ALL GRUNTING]

Cut it out. Leave him alone.

Behind you!

- How can I help? - You can stay away from me.

You need me help.

Fucking twat.

[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]

[♪♪♪]

Goodbye, Nobby.

[GRUNTS]

Don't worry. I won't leave you!

[BOTTLE SHATTERS AND BOTH GROANING]

- My ankle. - Me bottle.

Get off me!

Come on.

The ankle's shattered. You'll need to carry me.

- Come on. Get over me shoulder. - Aah!

[GROANING]

- Sorry. - Get in.

Hey! Move away from the car.

- Soon as I've printed your ticket. - Come on.

You'll have to drive.

Move. Not that one!

What happened?

- Never mind. Just get going. - Aah!

Come on, it's dangerous.

Get out of the car now!

Don't worry. It's bulletproof.

- You can't hurt us. - No.

We've got bulletproof glass. Peow.

- Aah! - Roll it up. Roll it up.

Just go. Now.

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

NOBBY: Oh, great. We can watch the match while escaping.

Watch out!

[YELLING]

[BOTH YELLING]

ANNOUNCER: He's taking the penalty. - There's a penalty.

Forget the football. You're gonna drown.

- I'm getting out after he's taken penalty. - Listen.

Miss it!

SEBASTIAN: Take a breath. - And he...

Fuck!

[♪♪♪]

REPORTER [ON TV]: Director General of the World Health Organization...

Dr. Javier Alvarez...

is dead.

He was caught in the crossfire...

of an apparent assassination attempt...

on philanthropist Rhonda George.

A huge manhunt is underway...

to find a rogue secret agent...

who first shot Middle East peace symbol...

Schlomo Khalidi.

The boy's AIDS-tainted blood then sprayed into the mouth...

of Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe.

Sources tell us that Radcliffe...

who had numerous open sores in his mouth...

has tested positive for HIV.

We're digging into his background now, sir...

trying to work out how Maelstrom could've got to him.

What do you want us to do, sir?

Activate Chilcott.

Chilcott was dismissed for good reason, sir.

Activate Chilcott.

NOBBY: Isn't life strange?

I mean, yesterday I'm having a normal day...

down the pub with me mates with a firework up me ass.

And here we are now, with me brother...

doing some running and swimming...

different types of cardio.

Can I ask you a question? Are you a Vin Diesel impersonator?

Or are you a hit man who specializes in kids with AIDS?

What? I'm a secret agent, I work for an offshoot of MI6.

How could you not tell your own brother what you do?

Within the title of my occupation is the word "secret."

But if you can't trust family, who can you trust?

Trust you? Trust you?

Because of you, the head of the World Health Organization is dead...

and Harry Potter has AIDS.

You managed to do in three seconds what Voldemort failed to do in eight movies.

Don't wet your knickers, it's treatable.

Ooh. Heroin.

That stuff's addictive, it's a gateway drug.

- To what? - To more heroin.

This is not heroin, this is rapid bone calcifier.

It fills the fractures in my ankle...

hardens the bone and muscle around it so I can walk.

Mm. Why, what happened to your ankle?

You fell on it.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Hello. SEBASTIAN: I didn't do it.

I need your help.

If I help you, I'll be arrested.

If you don't, I could be dead by the end of the day.

All right, listen.

Ledford activated someone called Chil-something...

- that's all I know. - Chilcott?

Oh, Jesus, he's a psychopath, that's a kill order.

Oh, God.

Jodie, I need you to do something for me.

I need you to find the identity of the man who killed Javier Alvarez.

If I can find him, it'll clear my name.

Can you do that?

I'll try.

Seb, can I press this red button?

[GROANS]

- For God's sake. - What?

You just implanted a tracking device in my neck!

At least I won't lose you for another 28 years.

I forgot to mention...

I got you a present.

- What? - Two tickets for me and you...

to go to Chile...

- to see England play in the final. - How do you know if England...

are gonna be in the final?

They'd better be because I just got this done.

England, World "Champions," 2016.

That says 200,016.

NOBBY: No, it says 2016.

That's 198,000 years from now.

In that case, I got two zeroes for free, so who's the idiot?

- What are you doing? - I need to disappear.

People are looking for me.

You won't see me again.

[♪♪♪]

Good luck, Nobby.

Yeah.

Okay. No, no, you're right.

I should be heading back home anyway.

Got to see the family.

It's good to reconnect.

Take care, eh?

Take care.

Wait. Since you're a spy, does that mean no one knows I'm your brother?

Exactly.

Well, then...

I've got the perfect place for you to hide.

Oh, no.

[♪♪♪]

NOBBY: Aw, it's so good to have you back in Grimsby.

You probably don't recognize it since it were gentrified.

SEBASTIAN: I am not from Grimsby.

- H i. ALL: Hi.

I've got a girlfriend. It's nothing serious.

But she's fit as fuck, so hands to yourself.

Go on. Shoes off.

[SIGHS]

Hey. Ha-ha-ha.

- Missed you, Dad. - Missed you too.

Was I not clear when I said I needed a secure location?

This place is totally secure.

Although I don't know who she is. I'm just being hilarious. That's our Britney.

You want a cup of tea? There's a kebab. Have anything.

It's a kitchen, fully stocked.

♪ Kyle's mom's a bitch She's a big fat bitch ♪

♪ She's the biggest bitch In the whole wide world ♪

♪ She's a stupid bitch If there ever was a bitch ♪

♪ She's a bitch To all the boys and girls ♪♪

Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman.

And this is our new babby, Django Unchained.

SKELETOR: Hey, Dad.

SEBASTIAN: Who's that? NOBBY: That's me oldest son, Skeletor.

BOY: Hi. NOBBY: Hey.

SEBASTIAN: What's that, another son? - Don't be daft.

That's our grandson, Gangnam Style.

H i.

BOYS: Hi, Dad. - Hey, Dad.

NOBBY: And this here is Luke.

We call him that because he's got leukemia.

I'm so sorry.

He doesn't really. We just shave his head so we can claim the welfare.

- What? - You're looking at...

a potential gold mine up there.

This tragedy can turn into 65 pound 40 a week.

[DRAMATIC THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

All right, chemistry class is over.

Time for biology.

NARRATOR [ON TV]: At its maximum, the mother's uterus expands to 25 cubic feet.

- Who's this? - Who's that?

- The other bald man. Who's this? - Jason.

- He's Jason. - I'm Jason.

I've got 11 kids, all right?

- It's not easy to remember them all. - Aah!

His name is not Sebastian, and that's all you need to know.

What the fuck are you on about, Dad? It's Uncle Coddy.

- Give us a hug. LUKE: I can't believe it's you.

TSUNAMI: Welcome back to Grimsby. SKELETOR: Welcome back.

They're your family. Those are your nephews and nieces.

How do they know who I am?

I might've mentioned you couple of times over the years.

"Couple of times"? I'll show him your wall, Dad.

[♪♪♪]

There's you as a kid.

YOUNG NOBBY: Leg it! - You little bastards.

- Give me back me ball! - Fuck off.

Nobby. Pass us the ball.

YOUNG NOBBY: Come on. - Pass it.

He's gonna score. England's gonna win the final.

Nobby, shoot!

Ooh.

Morning, officer.

Nobby and Sebastian Butcher.

We were trying to return that beautiful ball to its rightful owner.

It's not about the ball, lads.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[♪♪♪]

Look, Seb. That's the couple that's adopting us.

They're from London.

You're coming with me. Right, Nobby?

Of course. I'd never leave my little brother.

[SNIFFLING]

It's all right to be sad.

But it's not all right to stand there and whinge like a low mopey bastard.

Who are we? Come on, say it.

- We're Butcher Boys of Grimsby. - I didn't hear you. Say it again.

We're the fucking Butcher Boys of Grimsby.

They'll never split us up.

BOTH: Forever!

Your uncle don't want to look at pictures of me and him all day. Do you?

- No. - What?

No.

All right. Come on. Let's take a look at me travel photos of London.

Come on, everyone. Come on, squeeze up, squeeze up.

This is the Norfolk Arms. This is the Dog and Duck.

This is the Three Crowns.

- And this is Charing Cross police station. - Fucking pigs.

NOBBY: This is me with some free booze.

And this is me with me finger up an African boy's ass.

- Wait a minute. Go back. Let me see. NOBBY: What?

[♪♪♪]

It's the assassin.

Listen, London were fab. But I missed you lot.

- Aw! Missed you too. - Missed you too, Dad.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Answer it.

Yes, sir.

- Hello? SEBASTIAN: Ledford's watching you?

- Say, "Hi, Daddy." - Hi, Daddy.

- Aw... - Check your e-mail.

Find out who that is. You'll have to access the global facial recognition grid.

- And how am I going to do that? - Figure it out.

- Oh. Is that the love of me life, Dawny? - H i.

- Is that my darling Nobby? - I'm back.

- I missed you so much. - Me too.

- All right, kids. Out. Now. - Out. Listen to your mum. Out quick.

I've got something very important I need to tell your dad.

What is it?

I lost me panties.

- You sure your ass hasn't eaten them? - No, you daft twat. I didn't put any on.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, I'm getting stiffer than a pedophile at Legoland.

Oh, look. I'm exactly like Sharon Stallone in Basic Instincts.

[FARTS]

- Don't worry. Didn't come out me bum. - Oh.

[FARTS]

That one did.

- No problem. - Get over here.

- I know you must be gagging for it. - All right.

Come here, Nobby.

[BOTH MOANING]

- Hey. - What?

I'm hungry for a Grimsby breakfast.

- Well, the buffet's open. - I'll need a table for one.

It's all-you-can-eat.

- See you in about 60 minutes. - Get going.

- Ahem. Nobby. - Oh.

That's, uh, me darts partner. Um, Ben Kingsley.

Nobby, what do you take me for? I know who that is. That's your brother.

Where the fuck you been all these years?

I've been busy. Congratulations, by the way. When are you due?

Oh, I'm not pregnant. I'm just fucking fat.

- Nobby. NOBBY: What?

It's imperative no one know that I'm here.

You need somewhere isolated where no one's around?

- Exactly. - All right. I know just the place.

It's just this way, past the train station.

[TRAIN HORN BLARES]

MAN [OVER PA]: All aboard the 915, Grimsby to London.

[♪♪♪]

Do you think our new parents will let us sleep in the same room?

If we have bunk beds, can I have the top?

You can have the top, little man.

[HICCUPS]

Go and have a pee now before the other passengers do.

Okay, bruv.

- And Sebastian... - What is it?

Nothing.

[HORN BLARING]

Nobby?

Nobby?

Nobby? Nobby?

[♪♪♪]

Nobby? Nobby? Have you seen me brother, Nobby?

Nobby, where are you? Nobby.

No! Nobby! Come back!

Come back, Nobby!

Sebbo. Come on.

I know. It's great to be back, isn't it?

Here we go. Just in here.

- You sure this location is secure? - Relax. Trust your brother.

ALL: Surprise!

No, no! Seb! Come on, no. No, they're our folk.

- Welcome home. - Nobody's supposed to know I'm here.

No one does know you're here.

- These people know I'm here. - Do you?

ALL: No!

We are here.

LEDFORD [OVER EARBUD]: Good work, Chilcott.

- How did you find him? - Let's just call it professional intuition.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING INSIDE]

- What's that smell? - That's me. Milky Pimms.

- Oh. - I work our docks.

We transport cod all over the world.

Fascinating.

Can I help you?

[♪♪♪]

- Chilcott. Move. - What is it?

Oh, God, I'm cornered. I should never have come here alone.

You're never alone in Grimsby, bruv.

Lads. Lads.

See those blokes out there?

Those are Manchester United supporters.

- How dare those twats show up here? - You delay them...

I promise I'll burn your school down.

BOY 1: No school! BOY 2: Come on.

BOY 3: Oi, lads. BOY 1: Get the ball!

BOY 3: Let's go, lads. MAN: They've got guns.

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me, sir. I think you dropped something.

Dropped what?

- You're in Grimsby now, you git! - You think I'll hesitate to kill you?

- Little bastard. - Now!

[ALL YELLING]

Sanjiv, now!

[DOG WHINES THEN SNARLING]

[♪♪♪]

NOBBY: Fish factory, this way.

Come on, fish factory. Go there.

Quick. In there. Let's go.

[YELLS]

Seb.

What have you done? You've killed him.

[GUNFIRE AND GLASS SHATTERING]

Nobby, what are you doing?

NOBBY: I'm showing some respect for the dead.

There you go, mate.

[ALL GROAN]

- Nobby! NOBBY: What?

- Get over here. - What is it?

I need you to suck this wound in my shoulder.

No, no, no, I don't put my lips on another man's shoulder.

- That's very gay. - Do it.

People have been chucked out of Grimsby for ordering vegetarian breakfast.

That pellet held Lonomia caterpillar toxin. I'll be dead...

- in 90 seconds if you don't suck it out. - Okay, okay.

Suck hard.

That's it.

Don't swallow the poison, and now spit it out.

Well done.

Praise the Lord. I thought I'd lost you, brother.

- I love you so much. - Nobby.

- What? - I've been hit somewhere else.

Where?

[♪♪♪]

I'm not falling for that one. No way. No, you don't... What are you doing?

No, why are you taking those off?

The toxin's coursing through the left lobule of my teste.

Up the spermatic plexus to my kidneys. Suck it.

Whoo...

As Jesus said, "Thou shalt not suck off your own fucking brother."

- Do it, or I'll be dead in 60 seconds. - I've been searching for you...

for almost 30 year. I could've found you in two minutes on Grindr.

Choose. You can suck my scrotum or you can let me die.

Okay. What would you like written on your gravestone?

Suck my balls!

[♪♪♪]

- I have less than 40 seconds. - All right.

This is for Dad.

[GRUNTING]

Suck it. Suck harder. Suck and spit.

Suck and spit. Suck and spit.

It's traveling too fast. I need to be on top.

Over here.

What? No. I draw the line at teabagging. Aah!

Must shake this out.

- Aah! - It's not working.

[♪♪♪]

Coddy. Coddy, don't go. Coddy.

I've lost you once.

I refuse to lose you again.

[♪♪♪]

[GASPING]

- Unh! That's it. - We did it.

- You did it. - We did...

You just came on me face.

It was a trickle of pre-ejaculate at most. Grow up.

[SOBS]

[TYPING ON KEYBOARD]

RHONDA [ON TV]: I envision a day when people won't have to live like this.

A day when poverty will be eradicated. And I know it's possible.

MAN: Sir, we've got something.

SEBASTIAN: Suck harder. Suck and spit.

So, what's this new intelligence, Marber?

MARBER: We've identified the partner, sir. He's Graves' brother.

- Brother? - Kyle Alan Butcher a.k.a. Nobby Butcher.

- A Maelstrom sleeper, no doubt. - Just some working-class scum, sir.

- Find them and kill them. - Yes, sir.

[♪♪♪]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

JODIE: I found the assassin. He's Pavel Lukashenko.

- He's on his way to South Africa. - Good.

- Yeah. And they know about your brother. - No problem. I'm about to ditch him.

Listen.

They'll kill him and his family too if they catch him.

Do you really want your brother to die?

[♪♪♪]

[SOFTLY] Forget it.

Look, I need to talk to your friend. Uh...

What was it? Milky? The fish travel agent?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What, so you can gob-rape him too? You monster.

No.

We're going to South Africa.

Really?

I'm going on holiday with me babby brother.

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHEERING AND CHATTERING]

ANNOUNCER: It's a semifinal that has become gripped by tension.

And England to have the ball. Time for one last attack, baby.

- Come on, Sterling. - The ball's broken for Sterling here.

- Get in there. - Raheem Sterling's through.

And Raheem Sterling scores for England!

That surely puts England into the final in Chile.

STADIUM CROWD: Here we go!

We spit on your face! Here we go! Here we go!

Nobby. They're beating up Zeke Stanton.

Nazi bastard!

BOTH: Pitch invasion!

YOUNG SEBASTIAN: Nazi scum! YOUNG NOBBY: Let's get them!

- Come on. YOUNG SEBASTIAN: Yeah!

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[♪♪♪]

[YELLS]

[BOTH YELL]

ANNOUNCER: That's it. England are going to the final in Chile.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

- Jodie. - Hi, Daddy.

No, no, stop doing that now. It's weird.

I've discovered where Lukashenko is.

I tracked him to the Tshukaru Bush Lodge in Kruger Park.

He's meeting up with a biochemist called Joris Smit.

Maelstrom are clearly buying something from him.

He's currently in a hotel room with Lina Smit, his wife...

famed for her promiscuity.

You need to find out from her. You may need to seduce her.

As you know, I'll do anything for England.

- Book me a room at the lodge. - I have done. Your alias is Mr. Shelton.

- Hey, English. - What?

I have something for you to celebrate: the best heroin in Africa. Enjoy.

I'm embarrassed to say I've never actually tried any before.

- You'll like it. - Listen, I'd love to stay in touch.

- Uh, are you on e-mail or...? - Linkedln.

- Oh. - It is TabansiNyaguraHeroinDealer15.

[NOBBY SPEAKS IN ZULU]

TABANSI: Yes. - Who's that you were talking to?

That is me new mate, Tabansi. He flies to and from South America...

with drugs rammed up his bottom.

It's either that or a life of crime.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

SEBASTIAN: Nobby.

- I'll be gone for a couple of hours. - Why? What are you up to?

I'm meeting someone to find out why Lukashenko came here.

You stay here, understood?

[GRUNTING]

Oh, no.

I think I might've mixed up our needles.

Oh, my God.

You can't do a secret mission on heroin.

Not to worry, all right?

Just leave the spying to your brother.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Sebastian?

No, he's currently on couch, smacked off his tits.

- Who is this? - I'm his brother, Nobby.

Can I help?

Nobby, I need you to listen to me.

You are going to have to take his place.

You need to head to Maitland Station. There you'll meet a driver...

from Tshukaru Bush Lodge.

When you meet him, your alias is Mr. Shelton. Did you get that?

I'll send the information to your lens.

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKING]

♪ Is it my imagination ♪

♪ Or have I finally found ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ Something worth living for? ♪

♪ You could wait for a lifetime ♪

♪ To spend your days in the sunshine ♪

[BRAYING]

♪ You might as well do the white line ♪

♪ 'Cause when it comes on top ♪

[CLUCKING]

♪ You gotta make it happen ♪

♪ You gotta make it happen ♪♪

[BEEPS]

Oh, no. Open the door! Open the door!

[ROARS]

Okay, you need to head inside, find Lina Smit and seduce her.

- What, and cheat on Dawny? Never. - You need to seduce her...

in order to find out what Lukashenko bought from her husband.

Okay.

Can you see Lina Smit?

She's easy to spot.

She's wearing a green dress, and she's absolutely gorgeous.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no.

She is gorgeous.

- Got her? - Bingo.

I've got to go. Remember, act sophisticated.

NOBBY [IMITATING SEAN CONNERY]: Hello, pussycat.

The name is...

Shelton. M.R. Shelton.

I've been looking for you.

You want room clean?

Room clean?

Yeah. Yes. "Room clean."

From top to bottom.

I'm in 23.

But together, we could make it 69.

Okay. I come soon.

[♪♪♪]

[TOILET WATER GURGLING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Come on.

[GRUNTS]

[RINGS]

Good afternoon.

[IMITATING CONNERY] Hello. There's an emergency.

- It's a code brown. - A code brown, sir?

I've blocked the toiletry.

Could you send somebody up as soon as you can, please?

Okay, Mr. Shelton.

I will send you assistance.

Sebastian Graves is here.

JORIS: Go to his room and seduce him.

I'll be there soon.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, good. Maintenance is here.

Mr. Shelton.

That is really fast service. I only just called down.

Thank you for coming so quickly.

I hope I can reciprocate.

Yeah.

Anyway, follow me.

Uh, ahem. Come on. In here. Let's do this.

Not your usual place to do it.

What? Why? Uh...

- Where did you expect me to do it? - In the bed.

In the... In the bed? I'm not an animal.

I haven't done one in a bed for over five weeks.

Let's be quick with this. Shall I show it to you?

How do I know that when I see it, I won't fall madly in love with you?

There's really not much danger of that. Um...

It's enormous.

All the better.

How hard is it?

Well, okay. Let me try and remember. Um...

I mean, the top of it is, you know, very hard.

- Actually, painfully so. - Mm-hm. Mm.

Then kind of medium soft.

And at the base of it...

really hard again.

Now, should I tell you what I'm gonna do with it?

- No. - I'm gonna take it in my hand.

- All of it. - Right.

- That's very unusual. - Yeah.

- Right. - And then I'm gonna kiss it.

Gonna kiss it?

And I'm gonna put all of it in my mouth.

This is worse than 2 Girls and 1 Cup.

I bet it tastes like strawberries.

And I bet you that it tastes of kebab with extra curry sauce.

Listen. You're a total fucking weirdo, right?

- Just stay in here... - Mm-hm.

and do not come out.

Okay.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[♪♪♪]

[IMITATING CONNERY] So we meet again.

Please, come in.

Okay.

What are you doing? Let someone else do that.

[CLATTERING]

Please excuse me for one moment.

[WHISPERING] What the hell are you doing?

I'm getting myself ready.

Shh. Listen, I get it. You don't wanna get any brown shrapnel on your clothes.

Brown... Brown shrapnel?

This.

You see? Hard, soft, hard.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] May the best man win.

BANU: I go in there now. NOBBY [IMITATING CONNERY]: No, no.

Let's get acquainted.

[♪♪♪]

Has anyone ever told you...

that you're a very beautiful woman?

You are the most beautiful thing to ever walk the Lord's green earth.

[BEEPING]

We're getting signal from Graves' lens, sir.

Put it up.

So, what are we looking at?

[♪♪♪]

Good God, Graves.

[BANU SQUEALS]

Why did Lukashenko meet your husband?

Can you zoom in on that stationery?

Send the coordinates to Chilcott.

You'd rather make love to a maid than me?

NOBBY [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Maid?

[♪♪♪]

Banu, out!

- Sorry, Mrs. Smit. - Mrs. Smit?

Get out, Banu.

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Now, let me show you how wild this animal can be.

[♪♪♪]

Did you really think I'd let you sleep with my wife, Mr. Graves?

No. But then again, I never thought that she'd chop up me poo with a hanger.

Goodbye, Sebastian Graves.

SEBASTIAN: That's not Sebastian Graves.

- You okay? NOBBY: Yeah.

How was the heroin?

Better than expected.

Why did Lukashenko meet your husband?

- What are Maelstrom planning? - I don't know.

Seb, don't.

Listen. Don't take it personal, love. He kills everyone.

It's because he used to wet the bed.

- It's important she knows. - It's not important.

Was important to the boy on the bunk under you...

- who used to get dripped on at night. - Get on with it.

Just tell us what you know, and he'll let you live.

Come on.

Lukashenko bought some kind of virus.

When is he gonna use it?

Tomorrow.

Where are they gonna release the virus?

They'll release it...

[GUNFIRE]

SEBASTIAN: Get down.

Stay down.

[POWERING UP]

It's Chilcott. Move!

Come on!

Come on. Run.

[♪♪♪]

- There's nowhere to hide. - I got an idea.

Great. Because your ideas have netted nothing but gold up to this point.

You're gonna follow me and do exactly what your big brother says.

- Hurry! - Come on.

Where did they go?

- They were just here. - Spread out.

Find them.

- Unh! - Oh, God, this is disgusting.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Sir, take a look at this!

SEBASTIAN: Check if they've gone. NOBBY: I'm trying to. Unh!

SEBASTIAN: What can you see?

- They've gone? - The coast is clear.

Good. Let's get out of here.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck me.

Brace yourself, Seb.

- God. - Get off of him.

SEBASTIAN: Get it off me. NOBBY: Aah.

The male can fuck for up to three hours.

We have to make it come.

I saw it on the BBC.

You work the shaft, and I'll cradle the balls.

It's gonna break my neck.

I got them.

Come on, Sebbo. You can do it.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

- Put your tongue in the peehole. - Don't be stupid.

I think we're in business. I think we're in business.

Come on. Come on.

[ROARS]

Oh, God. That is revolting!

Hakuna matata.

Well done.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

It's a trickle of pre-ejaculate at most. Grow up.

See if the coast is clear.

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

- Oh, no. - What? What is it?

It's an elephant bukkake party.

- Get it out. - It's breaking me asshole.

Not much longer now.

- Brace yourself! - No. Aah!

[ROARING AND TRUMPETING]

SEBASTIAN: All right.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

- I just did an entirely white poo. - You need to get cleaned up. Get in.

- Is me ass okay? - Huh?

Yeah, it's good. It's really good.

[GRUNTS]

Are those your bollocks? Heh.

Someone's given you a hickey on your right nut. Ha-ha-ha.

That was you.

Oh.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

It's Jodie.

- She could be your missus. - I could never be with one woman.

Well, you're missing out on the greatest gift in life:

Family.

The only gift I ever got from my family was betrayal.

Why did you do it?

- It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter?

You abandoned me when I was 6. Now, why?

[♪♪♪]

MR. GRAVES: We have made our decision.

We've decided we can take one of the brothers, Mr. Lowsley.

But Mr. and Mrs. Graves, these boys are inseparable.

It would break their hearts, and affect them both very badly.

This is the decision we have come to.

MR. LOWSLEY: But that would leave one brother in the foster system in Grimsby.

It's no place for a boy.

He'll have no future here.

CONDUCTOR: All aboard!

YOUNG SEBASTIAN: Nobby!

Have you seen me brother Nobby?

Nobby!

No! Nobby!

- Come back, Nobby! - [VOICE BREAKING] No.

Oh, my God.

- So I could have had your life? - That's right.

And you could have had mine.

Nobby.

[SEBASTIAN SIGHS]

I...

I am so sorry.

Wait.

I think our penises just fist-bumped.

Disengage.

- You need to focus, right? - Yeah.

You need to find out where Maelstrom are planning to blow up tomorrow.

And I need to find a pub to watch the final in.

[♪♪♪]

- Hold on. That's it. - They're gonna blow up the sun.

No, they're planning to bomb the final in Chile.

- What? - How are we supposed to get halfway...

around the world in 12 hours with the global intelligence community...

trying to kill me? We'll never make it.

I searched for you for 28 years.

I do not believe in never.

[♪♪♪]

That's the beauty of Linkedln.

Hey, Nobb-Man.

How's your brother going to blend in with football hooligans?

Looking like the guy from Despicable Me?

[NOBBY & TABANSI LAUGHING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

CROWD: England!

England!

MAN 1: English and German fans have been arriving here in Santiago...

- throughout the last few days. MAN 2: Looks like the perfect place...

to watch your national team play for what is the greatest prize in football.

- This is a truly international occasion. MAN 1: We've seen Donald Trump.

Star of stage and screen, Daniel Radcliffe is here.

Middle East peace symbol Schlomo Khalidi...

looking much better, is here too.

So much color and noise.

And there will be plenty of both at the end of the match...

because the final whistle will trigger what we are told will be...

the biggest firework display ever seen at a sporting event.

When we was kids...

did you ever think that we'd end up going to the final together?

Yes, I did, brother.

MILKY: Nobby!

[ALL CHEERING]

- No. - Surprise!

I missed you so much.

Hey. Our favorite spy!

ALL [CHANTING]: He's MI6's finest!

- He's MI6's finest! SEBASTIAN: No. No.

Keep quiet.

MILKY: Nothing to see!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

MAN: There's a commotion, sir.

Get in closer.

LEDFORD: Graves.

Yeah.

- Nobby. - Hey. I'll be back. Coddy!

Wait. Nobby!

[♪♪♪]

[ALL GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

Let's go.

NOBBY: Sebbo? Sebbo?

Sebbo! Oi!

Seb.

[♪♪♪]

Got you.

[WOMEN & MEN GRUNTING AND YELLING IN DISTANCE]

[♪♪♪]

What is this place?

Oh, my God.

Maelstrom are sex traffickers.

Listen to me. You've gotta get out...

before they sell you to the highest bidder. Get out.

Get out now. Out.

Out. Shh. Quiet. You don't have to live like this.

Get out. Out. Get out.

Regain your dignity. Out.

[SHRIEKING]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Seb.

"The rapist."

Hey.

Nobody buggers me brother.

A man can only take so much jizz.

- Get off him! - Aah!

[♪♪♪]

[YELLING]

[HAIR RIPS THEN MAN SCREAMS]

Wait.

You're not Seb.

[SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[RHONDA SHIVERS]

You must be freezing.

You.

Pleasure to meet you, Sebastian.

I understand why you want to kill the head of the World Health Organization.

Why bomb the final?

Bomb?

There is no bomb.

It's a disease.

It's a virus called RD-9.

Or as I like to call it, WorldCure.

At the end of the game, everyone in the stadium will be infected.

It should take two to three weeks for symptoms to start showing up.

SEBASTIAN: By which time, 96,000 fans from almost every country in the world...

will be back home, spreading the disease.

Why are you doing this?

RHONDA: Well, think about it.

We have seven billion people running around on a planet...

that can only hold five.

I'm just trying to make the world a better place, that's all.

By deleting the surplus.

"Cure the world."

And whom, exactly, do you intend to "delete"?

The garbage.

The imbeciles who lie around drunk, reproducing like rabbits.

And sitting there with their hand out, expecting the rest of us to pay.

And let's be frank, who's gonna miss them anyway?

[GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES]

Kill him.

[GUN COCKS]

[♪♪♪]

[SOFTLY SOBBING]

[STADIUM CROWD CHANTING IN DISTANCE]

[GRUNTS THEN TRACKER BEEPS]

[RECEIVER BEEPING]

[♪♪♪]

You're new to this.

You ever killed a man before?

[♪♪♪]

[ALL GRUNTING]

Are you gonna shoot me?

No.

How is it you English football supporters say?

Oh, yes.

You're going to get your bloody head kicked in.

♪ Come and have a go If you think you're hard enough ♪♪

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Ow!

Maybe just shoot me.

Get up.

[CHUCKLES]

[ON PHONE] ♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪

♪ With a little bump and grind With a little bump and grind ♪

♪ I don't see nothing wrong ♪♪

Time to say goodbye to your...

hideous pig wife.

[♪♪♪]

Let me give you some advice, Ukrainian Ben Affleck.

Never ever slag off a Grimsby lass.

You don't have guts.

[♪♪♪]

Oh. Well, that were easy.

H i.

Amazing. Gotta get one of these for the kids.

You have a family?

I just reconnected with mine.

I'm going to go home and...

[GUNSHOT]

This killing business is a right laugh, isn't it?

I understand why you love guns.

I mean, it completely detaches you from the guilt of your actions.

[MAN YELLING]

Ta-da! Heh.

[BLOWS]

Bonus point.

[♪♪♪]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

[GUNSHOT]

Will you stop shooting everything?

[GUNSHOTS]

ANNOUNCER: It's Germany 1, England 1, and it's anyone's final now.

[♪♪♪]

- Get that feed up. Get it up. WOMAN: I'm trying.

- Come on, come on. ANNOUNCER: So little time remaining.

Four minutes to decide the final.

NOBBY: Mission accomplished.

All we need is England to score. This'll be the best day of my life.

What? Every man, woman and child in this stadium is about to die.

Put this in your ear.

Jodie, I need you to check for anywhere that might contain the virus.

Okay, I will scan for the chemical signature.

- This is hopeless. - No, it's not.

Look who just sat down.

Need to stop her before she sets off the virus.

- Listen, let's go around the stadium. - We can't. There's not enough time.

We need to go across the pitch.

- Pitch invasion. - Too much security.

- We'll never make it alone. - Alone?

We are not alone.

ANNOUNCER: It's England who are looking more likely to steal a late winner.

- Hey, give me that. - Nobby! Sit down! Come on.

Men and women of Grimsby, listen up. This is important.

You see that lass over there?

What? Sharon Osbourne?

No. She's gonna release this deadly virus...

and it's gonna kill poor people like us...

because she thinks that we are scum.

Bloody hell, Nobby, we are scum.

Well... Well, you are, Pete. You're a registered sex offender.

That's not a compliment.

So we're scum, are we?

Well, let me tell you something about scum:

It's scum who built the hospitals that are now closing down.

ALL: Yeah.

It's scum who die in the wars started by the bastards in charge.

ALL: Yeah.

It's scum that keep the Fast and Furious franchise alive.

ALL: Yeah!

So I ask you to join with us now...

and storm that pitch... ALL: Yeah!

and show the world that scum cannot be washed away, ever.

ALL: Yeah!

MAN: Yeah!

Yeah!

[♪♪♪]

ALL: We are the scum!

Whoo!

[LAUGHS]

Yeah!

We started too early.

DAWN: Whoo!

It's Graves.

- Keep him away from me. - Okay, the target is on the move.

- I'll sync with your lens. - Nobby...

you ready for a fight?

I thought you'd never ask.

Green Earth.

[BEEPING]

JODIE: Target heading southwest through the German section.

[ALL GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH YELLING]

SEBASTIAN: Come on.

Whoa.

ANNOUNCER: Well, sanity has returned, and so have the players.

The show will go on. The final will be restarted.

SEBASTIAN: Jodie, where's the virus? - I still can't find it.

Nobby, meet the head of the biggest crime syndicate in the world.

What, she runs FIFA?

- Who's this idiot? - His name's Sebastian.

Boys!

[♪♪♪]

Oh, bollocks.

Go!

[ALL GRUNTING]

NOBBY: Quick! She's getting away!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[IMITATING CONNERY] So we meet again.

[♪♪♪]

JODIE: Found it. Virus is in one of the fireworks.

- Shoot her before she detonates it. - [IN NORMAL VOICE] But what if I miss?

I trust you.

[♪♪♪]

NOBBY: Oi!

ANNOUNCER: Ten seconds. That's all that's left. Oh, look at Sterling!

With a chance!

Oh!

ANNOUNCER: Oh, no! It's going over the bar!

NOBBY: Oh, no, it's not.

ANNOUNCER: But wait! What's happened to the ball?

It's bounced in!

[CROWD CHEERING]

No, the referee's gonna disallow it.

- The goal stands. - Yes!

ANNOUNCER: England have won it!

JODIE: Come on, Nobby. Stop shooting everything and focus.

NOBBY [OVER EARBUD]: Don't worry. I've got this.

[GUN CLICKING]

Jodie, me gun's jammed.

Oh, no.

BOY: Excuse me, miss.

RHONDA: Yes?

Go fuck yourself!

Yes!

[♪♪♪]

Yes!

Yes! We did it, Seb!

SEBASTIAN: Yeah! Yeah!

Sanjiv, now!

- Got it. - What? Please, no! No!

Goodbye, Sebastian.

No! No!

[ALL SHOUTING AND SHRIEKING]

[BEEPING]

Cure the world!

[♪♪♪]

No!

SEBASTIAN: Too late!

- There's no way to stop the fireworks! - I'll jump on them.

It won't work. The virus is in the tip of the firework.

It would need to explode in a contained environment to stop it spreading.

There's nothing you can do.

[FIREWORKS WHISTLING]

Yes, there is.

I'm from Grimsby. Jodie, which firework is it in?

It's in the central left-hand rocket.

- What are you doing? - Contributing to society.

- Unh. Unh! ALL: Oh!

[SQUEALS]

Oh, Nobby. It's the firework to your left, not my left.

For fuck's sake!

Yah... Hoo.

Tell my kids that Daddy died with dignity.

[GRUNTS]

Nobby, can you hear me? The firework next to you also has the virus.

What? No.

But I don't have another asshole.

I need another asshole.

[♪♪♪]

You've got one.

I'm from Grimsby too...

and I'm never gonna let you leave me again.

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING]

Oh, my God, Graves.

- Butcher Boys of Grimsby, together... - Forever.

[BOTH YELLING]

[ALL GASP]

[♪♪♪]

[YELLING]

[DRAMATIC THEME PLAYING ON TV]

Donald Trump has AIDS.

Philanthropist Rhonda George has been arrested.

Middle East peace symbol Schlomo Khalidi is in custody...

following the murder of MI6 agent Jeremy Chilcott.

I didn't do it. I've had the worst ******* week ever.

**** Israel. **** Palestine. **** all of you.

England fans in high spirits after Cup final victory.

Rogue MI6 operative Sebastian Graves and his brother Nobby Butcher...

died at the scene while preventing the release of a deadly toxin.

In other news, a South African hotel maid has filed a suit alleging sexual assault...

by Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher.

Gallagher is also being sought for abusing an elephant...

in conjunction with Fast and Furious star Vin Diesel.

JODIE: Naturally, you'll both be needing new identities.

How are you guys doing?

[♪♪♪]

How does me ass look?

Good. Uh, really good.

It's a bit smoky in here, Jodie. Can we have the fan on, please?

Of course.

So you were saved from the virus by an antibody found in elephant semen...

which lined, uh...

[AIR WHISTLING]

uh, your innards.

We're like a pair of pan pipes.

Great.

And I thought you were going to be faithful, Sebastian.

You know, you really filled a hole in my life.

H i.

- Nobby. - Dad.

GIRL: Dad! BRITNEY: Oh, my God.

[ALL CHUCKLING]

I'm so glad that you're alive.

[♪♪♪]

NOBBY: You know what?

Family.

It's the greatest gift in life.

[LAUGHING]

Stop throwing coins in there. It's not a brown wishing well.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

THURBECK [OVER EARBUD]: You are now transmitting.

Stand by. Stand by. Eyes on the target.

JODIE: Listen, we're sending information to your lens.

NOBBY: I've got this. Blue Earth.

[SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[MAN SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[BLOWS]

- Hi, bruv. - Good, you're early.

- Yes, I am. - Did you meet the team?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Excuse me. Which way to the stadium?

Straight on for 5 kilometers, then to the right.

Thank you.

[GUNSHOT THEN BODY THUDS]

Leave no witnesses.