Original subtitles

[ethereal music]

[crowd chanting excitedly] Barry!

[chanting] Barry!

[Barry shouting] Oh yeah!

[audience cheering and clapping]

[upbeat music]

[sighs]

[grunts]

That killed the finale.

Peter, you made it, huh?

Beautiful, baby, beautiful.

-He's doing great, fantastic! -Yeah, yeah.

[upbeat music]

Downright marvelous. Bloody marvelous!

Beautiful.

Wonderful, baby. You're wonderful.

[clamoring]

[chanting] Barry!

[indistinct]

Oh!

So pumped.

[sighs]

[upbeat music]

Best of luck.

I love you!

[shouts] Barry!

-[crowd cheering raucously] -[laughing]

…said you wanted me over. What's the trouble?

No trouble, just too much action. Hello, Herbie!

Great, Barry. Fantastic, baby. Really wonderful!

Listen, Peter, I'm seeing… Raymond after show,

and I promoted that blonde girl over there.

[Peter] Aw, Barry, you brought me all the way from London to tell me that?

-…another curtain call. You must come. -Let… Let Herbie take it.

-What do you want? -He wants the curtain call.

I'm not trying to pull her, Peter.

She's a bloody marvelous singer. I want her on my TV show.

-Now, sign her up. -What? Look,

I've got to go back.

-Take another call. They're going mad. -Jake can handle it.

You must be joking. She's got class.

Come on. Take her round. Look, you can stay in Paris.

Come back with me tomorrow.

-Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. -Peter, do it for me.

I'm sure your better half will understand.

[crowd chanting] Barry!

[crowd chanting] Barry!

How are you?

-[in French] I'm sorry. -Oh.

[in French] I only understand a little French. Um…

Would you like a little, um… Uh… [mutters]

Would you care for a petite, uh…

-Drink. -Drink.

-Right. -Yes, okay.

Did you, uh, like the, uh…

[speaking in French]

[woman speaking indistinctly]

[upbeat music]

[bright music]

[ship horn blares]

[bright music subsides]

[ship horn blares]

[brakes screeching]

[shouting indistinctly]

[in French] England!

-[in French] England here, France there. -Yeah.

[in French] Goodbye, sir.

[chuckles, speaking in French]

[in French] Goodbye? No, no, no!

[speaking French]

Thank God for Harry, England, and Saint George!

-Here, here! -[blows raspberry]

-[whistle blows] -[people laughing]

-[laughing] -[shouting indistinctly]

[laughing]

[birds chirping]

[brakes screeching]

[in French] Hold on, my uncle.

[man groans]

[in French] Thank you.

-[in French] Goodbye. -[in French] Goodbye.

[in French] My uncle!

[sobbing]

[in French] Thank you.

[man speaking in French] Goodbye! Goodbye!

[in French] Long live France!

[man speaking in French] Long live England!

[Peter] Darling!

[dogs barking]

[in French] [in English] Lucky Pierre.

Darling!

[groaning]

-[Peter] Darling! -[man in French] You've hurt yourself!

[man in French] Hold on!

Darling!

Welcome home.

I can't walk.

Crawl.

[in French] I can't walk.

-[in French] I'll help you. Come on. -[in French] That's good.

[grunts]

[in French] Thank you.

-[Peter] Evening. -Get out your tin head, killer.

You're about to walk into World War III.

I already have. You are beautifully dressed. Are you going somewhere?

We've been waiting for you.

For me?

We were going out to eat.

Of course, I do realize our anniversary is a very minor event.

I'm sorry.

Hey, what happened to Barry Black before his perm?

I'm sorry, Jody.

Lose his wig?

He doesn't wear a wig, does he?

Sorry. Angela.

What brought you back in such a hurry?

-Well, first-- -You're his nurse, not his agent.

There's a pressie. And it'll take too long to explain. I'll just wash and shave and…

I'll call the restaurant and tell them to hold the table.

They've been holding it for hours.

[chuckles] My God, their arms must be tired.

[Angela] Can't you ever think about anybody except your miserable clients?

Look, love, I'm sorry. Val!

-Yeah. -[Peter] Make some drinks.

I'll be right out, mate.

Sure.

I think we'd better do our drinking at home.

Aw!

-Oh, yeah. -It's late.

[footsteps disappearing]

Oh. No!

We'll, uh, get together tomorrow night.

That… That's a good idea, and we'll pretend tonight never happened.

Oh yes, why don't we?

Why don't we pretend we're husband and wife while we're at it?

[Peter clicks tongue]

Bye, Jody.

-[grunts] -Would you like a last cigarette, my boy?

No, sir. Not even a blindfold.

I want to see the bullets coming.

[Jody] Oh, come on, Val.

Farewell, Val.

Dear friends.

Oh, listen. Look.

Let's go to bed.

And tomorrow, everything will be better.

I'm sick to death of you, Peter Reaney!

Sick to bloody, bloody death!

[clock ticking]

[sighs]

[Peter] Darling, look, I'm sorry.

You come home filthy, stinking,

animalistic drunk.

How long do you think I'm going to put up with it?

[sighs softly]

[groaning]

[soft pipe organ music]

-[soft pipe organ music] -[clock ticking]

Don't.

[sighs]

Good morning, darling.

I made us some coffee and some toast.

That'll go down in history. I prefer tea.

-Please, Angie. -I'd like some eggs.

[sighs] Look, I really am sorry.

Don't, Peter.

I'm sorry. It's not as if I get drunk like that every night.

But the last time, Peter.

-Darling-- -I've had enough!

-More than enough. -[groans]

This time, I'm telling Daddy.

Daddy. What's he gonna do? Cache me out of the regiment?

Oh, shut up and listen to me!

-I am listening. -Alright. I'm fed up!

-[sighs] -I'm not putting up with you any longer.

Fine. Goodbye.

-I don't know why I ever married you! -You don't know why you married me?

Because I was damn fool enough to ask you, and you jumped at the chance.

-I've had enough. I really have. -I've got a terrible headache.

[inhales] You want to change the world.

-You may have noticed-- -But you won't change yourself.

You may have noticed that I was drunk last night.

-Do you know why? -I was drunk at the prospect

-of you yelling at me-- -Because you hate your job.

Shut up!

You hate yourself because you hate your job.

Shut up!

Peter, I'm leaving you!

Fine, then do it quietly.

Why do you have to make everything so cheap?

Because starting with you, that's what it is!

[pan clatters]

[sighs] Now you've hit me.

-I didn't hit you, I just pushed you. -I haven't finished.

Well, don't keep me in suspense.

I want a divorce!

You want one?

Get out!

[sighs, scoffs]

[indistinct chattering]

[groovy mid-tempo music]

♪ Faith and compassion ♪

♪ Makes the world go round ♪

♪ Envy and anger will only destroy you ♪

♪ Resentment will tear you apart ♪

♪ So, bend, you got to bend over backwards Bend a little, bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend, you gotta bend That's the way to start… ♪

Peter, this is it. It's beautiful, beautiful.

-It's a classic. It's a genuine classic. -Classic.

Mm.

[bright groovy music]

Sorry we had to leave early. I missed the main event there.

-[groans] -Who won?

I did. She threw me out. Who is that?

Let's see.

Listen, little girl, if you want Barry Black's autograph,

-I've got it. -you're in the wrong place.

So you'd better leave here before they find you.

-I'm not going until I've seen Barry. -Don't argue. Shh!

-[Val] You girls always argue. Shh! -I'm not going till I've seen Barry Black.

♪ Do start playing a part… ♪

-Who was that? -I don't know. Some fan.

♪ Just bend a little Bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend, you gotta bend That's a major start ♪

Look here, fat ass, what's all the chat about?

The whole bloody lot of you are living off me and if you want to keep it that way,

listen!

You're right, my boy. I'm sorry, Barry.

Now, quiet, everybody.

You too.

♪ …too much to live with It's time to start playing a part ♪

Barry's started to get feelings. What about it, eh?

♪ So, bend, you got to bend over backwards Bend a little, bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend, you gotta bend That's the way to start ♪

♪ Bend, you gotta bend over backwards Bend, you gotta bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend, you gotta bend That's the way to start… ♪

Hey, Felix, baby, this is going straight to the top and it's gonna stay there.

-Fantastic, Barry baby, fantastic. -Great.

Hey, Peter, Lydia, what do you think?

-Best yet, darling. -[Peter] Gonna make a million, baby.

A million by the first two weeks of release.

I'm coming in.

[operator] Okay, let's hear you take four again.

[sighs] Oh, it's beautiful, it's beautiful.

-You're the greatest. -You're not wrong.

You know that Braid has kissed so many asses,

he's beginning to look like a duck-billed platypus.

♪ Bend over backwards… ♪

-You know, we are idiots. -Hmm?

Why should Barry have to pay two commissions? He must get rid of him.

Well, I'll do it when the time comes.

♪ …the world go around… ♪

Would you believe? They're still talking.

♪ …and anger will only destroy you Resentment ♪

♪ Will tear you apart… ♪

Twice a week I say a prayer of thanks that the boy stays well.

♪ Bend over backwards, bend You gotta bend, that's the way to start ♪

♪ All you need is just a hug ♪

What are you looking like that for?

Do you remember that girl that Jake smuggled into the Paris hotel room?

[Peter] What about her?

Well, I just tried to smuggle her out of here, but she doesn't want to go.

Don't let her in!

Keep calm, Jake. I've got some very happy news for you.

Oh yes? What?

We're expecting.

Say hello to daddy.

♪ …and deception Are too much to live with… ♪

Don't make jokes like that, Val. They're not funny.

-Oh, I'm not joking, believe me. -Who says?

-[Val] She says. -Look.

I'll handle it, I'll handle it.

[Peter] No, no, let me talk to him.

Let Jake handle this, Peter.

[Peter] I say he deserves it. He's a walking stud farm.

Shut up!

He's 150 pounds of dynamite with a two-inch fuse.

[bright groovy music]

[in foreign language]

Lovely show, lads. All continental girls.

-The English are a dying race, old matey. -Right.

And England's becoming the chronic wing of an old men's home.

Nothing left to do but remember.

-To the show, boys? -No.

[Peter] Look at this. Fresh model walk-up.

You can't even find a good old-fashioned English whore anymore.

-With the exception of my first wife. -Got a show for you, mate.

She started the promiscuous society singlehandedly.

-Here you are, mate. -[laughs] Thank you.

See, the bloody trouble with sex today is that all women try to sell it.

Either for money, quick hire, or a roof over their heads, long-term rental.

Very profound.

-Hello, Gooding. -Hello, Peter.

Two Scotches, Mario.

-Doubles, love. -[chuckles]

[sighs]

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Still thinking about last night?

Forget it, mate.

Well, she's gonna give me one of these. I mean, she's going for good.

What's a marriage between friends?

Between friends is fine, but between me and Angela, wow.

It'll soon blow over. Hey, why don't you go home and make it up?

-[scoffs] -I'll come with you, break the ice.

Go on.

Mrs. Reaney, it's Mr. Reaney.

[clears throat]

Probably not back yet.

Bluebeard's come back for his razor.

Honey?

-Val! -Yeah?

-She's left me! -No.

That bitch! She has left me!

Don't you… She… She's just walked out. Look at this!

-Oh, this is just a game, you know. -I tell you, she's gone!

Look. Read that.

Vanished without a trace.

-Look at this. Look. Taken everything. -She'll be back.

Oh, that bitch!

[sighs]

[clicks tongue]

Come on, Peter. Don't let's hang around.

[mutters] No, you go.

-Hey, come on. -[sighs]

-You've got to eat, man. -[chuckles]

Jody will fix us something good to eat.

-Did you read this at the end? -No, what?

She says, "PS, the garbage must go out today."

-You're kidding! -[chuckles] Do you want it?

-Yeah, we should frame it. -Okay.

-I mean, the garbage, for God's sake! -Yes.

The dustbin.

-Oh! Mr. Reaney. -[speaking indistinctly] Hmm?

-Hello, Mrs. Franchetti. -Hello.

Your wife is not here?

-No, isn't there. Goodbye. [mutters] -Oh, I have her new dress here.

There will be no more expensive creations delivered to that door.

-Hmm? -What happened, Mr. Reaney? She's "hill"?

-"Hill"? Oh, ill? Ill? No, no. -Yes.

No, not ill. She just isn't there, she's gone. She's left.

-Um, but we're just separated. -Oh.

-Thank you. Grazie. -Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Reaney.

I understand you, you know.

When my Carlos died, it's so terrible.

Oh, if there is anything I can do…

Cook you a meal, for example.

-Have you my number? -That I have.

-[whistles] -[chuckles]

If you play your cards right, you can have that.

You're joking.

You sure have been keeping her a secret.

-Mrs. Franchetti, a secret? -Mm-hmm.

-Didn't you smell her? -Mm, the perfume.

-The perfume? -The perfume.

-You saw where she lives? -I did.

I can smell her through the walls.

I know I'm being a bit of a bore.

-Of course not. -I just don't know who else I can talk to.

Daddy still takes me as his little girl.

Anyway, he's the last person in the world I could say this kind of thing to.

I have tried.

Even at the beginning, Peter and I were poles apart.

You know, I was sure just being married would bring us closer.

It doesn't do that, does it?

[inhales] Isn't it funny that your husband

can make you feel a stranger in your own home?

Like when we went back to Mommy's and Daddy's for Sunday lunch.

They didn't care for him.

He didn't like them, so that was a good start, wasn't it?

I certainly wasn't ready for someone like Peter.

I'd never met anyone like him before.

Which is why I suppose I… sort of fell in love with him.

He had such an enormous appetite for his job, the world.

And me.

Do you know…

he used to want to come home in the middle of the day and… want to make love.

[light thuds]

[Angela] He was so physical. [inhales]

I'm not.

He used to take me to bed and…

want me to do things,

want me to say things.

I couldn't.

I just couldn't.

Then he started drinking. [inhales]

I suppose it was my fault, really.

[sighs softly] It's not that I don't like sex.

I'm just not a very sexy person.

Peter needs someone all the time.

Don't tip him, he's got a dirty windscreen.

Keep the change. Thank you.

♪ Oh, I'm leaving you today ♪

[both] ♪ Peter Reaney ♪

♪ For all your drunken sins Now you must pay ♪

♪ I can almost see you ♪

♪ Divorcing, Peter Reaney ♪

♪ Don't forget the garbage out today ♪

-[laughing] Bloody garbage! -[mutters]

Let's take the gutter talk inside, shall we?

[chuckles]

[humming happy tune]

-Shh. The children. -[door clicks shut]

Shh.

Hello.

After you.

Hmm. After you, Jody.

[Jody] Thank you.

-[groans] -[giggles]

-Happy days are here again. -♪ Happy days are here again ♪

-Hello, Frances. -Hello.

How we're glad to see you.

You are the most gorgeous clotheshorse I know.

-What, this dirty old thing? -Hm-mm.

Yup.

-Is Angela with you? -Oh, "Is Angela with you"?

Is Angela with him?

Haven't you heard? Have you not heard? She finally left Petey baby.

Oh, Val, for heaven's sake,

there's a time and place to start talking about things like that.

What's the matter? You can't keep good news secret.

I knew she was going. She phoned and told me.

Did she say anything else?

I'll look after you if you promise not to behave.

Thank you. Now, did she say anything else?

Oh, just the usual. About your being drunk,

you're never at home, nasty to her parents, and there was more.

-[Val] Plenty more. -Charming, charming.

A natural sexual appetite would be my guess.

-Ah! -There's no such thing.

Absolutely right.

There's nothing better than a bloody good…

-Mommy. -[Frances] How are you, young man?

I can't get to sleep.

Oh, your tongue's got great brakes, Frances.

Face could do with a bit of a retread though. [chuckles]

That's alright.

Hello, my big, big, big fellow. [smooches]

What about getting a beer for your old daddy and his friend?

You finished it all yesterday.

That's right. So, I ordered some more.

-For emergencies. -[chuckles]

You're a psychic, my love.

I have to be.

Mark, go and get the bottles, will you?

And straight to bed afterwards.

He can't get it all on his own.

-[silly groans] -[chuckles]

I don't think you're to blame, Peter.

Angela isn't the gayest thing on two legs.

And whose legs are we talking about, then?

-[both] Angela's. -Oh, not still on about her.

Well, they talked about the Titanic for years afterwards.

It's amazing how people love a disaster.

They even look back on the bloody war as the happiest time of their lives.

Marriage can be the bloodiest war of the lot.

-Oh, that's nice. -That's nice.

-[Jody] Mark, come on, bed. -You're in trouble, mate.

[Jody] Come along, quickly.

What's the point of pretending?

Honesty never hurt any marriage.

Only indifference can do that. Think about it.

Here ended the first lesson.

Say goodbye to the Mother Superior.

We'll all go and get drunk on communion wine.

No one's going anywhere.

Up now. There's too much to be done.

Peter obviously won't want to go back to an empty flat.

-No. -There's a bed to be made up.

-Oh no! Don't be saddled with me! -Yeah, yeah!

Val knows where the sheets and blankets are.

And Frances and I will get some food for us all.

What a good idea.

[laughs]

-Bring a girl back. -Hmm.

It'd be great, man.

-Fancy Frances? -Oh!

Oh, well, what are you gonna do? Pull her for me, are you?

-[laughs] Over my dead body. -Hmm.

-You know something? -What?

I think she'd love that. [laughs]

How much are we paying for the abortion?

About, um… [clears throat]

-About 300. -[Felix] Too much.

It's… It's today's price.

I'm more interested in yesterday's price. Get it down.

Why don't you get a couple more of Barry's girls

and then you'll get a reduced price for quantity.

So, offer 200, Jake.

And if it'll cost us 300, well, we'll just have to pay it. Right, Norman?

-Agreed? -Yes.

No.

Look, we're scraping the fetus from a kid's womb and we're voting on it

and financing it? This is not a business merger we're talking about.

Look, Peter, she's very young.

So was the Virgin Mary.

[chuckles] I don't think we want to drag religion into this.

Look, Braid. It's too late to fix a lock on that little bastard's underpants,

but we've got to talk to the girl.

Maybe she wants the child.

Alright, we'll have to talk her out of that, but let's talk to her!

Let's apologize before we rip our guts out.

Why do you work yourself up like that, my boy?

Why? Because I, at least, am trying to pretend I'm a human being.

-What happened? -Eva, as of now, I'm out.

If anybody calls, I don't work here anymore.

He'll be back.

Walking out of a very well-paid job, you call that decent? I think that's stupid!

Anyway, since when could you afford a conscience?

Since when have you thought about anything in your life but yourself?

Uh… When I wrote my will out.

Ah, shut up!

You go through every day just joking. You joke your whole life.

Can you think of a better way of spending every lousy day?

What's gonna happen when you're 60 years old?

When I'm 60 years old, I'll be laughing. [scoffs]

But you'll finish up on the railway, working with your old man.

I'll tell you something about my old man.

At least he has the decency to despise me

because I'm in this lousy job!

[Val] You're wrong. It's a great job.

Look at all the interesting people you meet. I mean, me, for instance.

I'll tell you something about you, Val.

If you go on joking your way through life,

you'll end up the loneliest, bloodiest old bore of all time.

-I'll still have you. -Not at this rate, you won't.

I'll file our divorce papers first thing in the morning.

[door clicks shut]

[pensive music]

[knocking]

Hello.

I was just passing by and I wondered if everything was…

alright.

Oh, yes.

-And you, son? -I'm fine, I'm fine.

You're in pretty good shape.

-Did I thank you for the money? -Oh, yes, sure.

No, I just thought, you know, maybe…

if I could do something, I…

Do you have enough coal?

[tense music]

-It's summer. -Oh, it's… it's summer.

I…

I was just going to bed.

Well, see you then.

Dad?

Uh…

Look, if you ever get tired, you know, of living alone, you can always move in…

Oh, no, no, no. No, it's…

[coughs] It's alright, I…

I've… some very good neighbors.

Cheers, okay?

[melancholic music]

[sobbing softly]

[loud clattering and crashing]

[doorbell buzzes]

[humming]

-Oh, it's you. -Well, of course it's me.

I thought maybe bad man.

Maybe bad man?

Oh, burglars? No, no, no, I just made a lot of noise

clearing out all that modernistic stuff.

Oh.

[sighs] I will help you.

[Peter humming]

You are very late.

You find already someone.

No, no!

Not at all.

-[humming] -You are unhappy alone.

-No. -Yes, I'm sure.

-No. -Yes, I feel that.

No!

I understand you, Mr. Reaney.

-When my Alberto died, -[humming]

-Alberto? -I feel so… Yes.

I thought his name was Carlos.

He was my first husband.

-Oh, your first husband. -So, please, Mr. Reaney,

you must talk to me.

-What? -I understand this thing.

Yeah, well, you see, I-I finished with all this, and I was just going to bed.

[whispers] Oh, it's a very good idea.

[chuckles]

I will bring you a nice hot drink.

Milk?

-Mm-hmm. -[chuckles]

-Thank you. -[soft chuckle]

No, no, the kitchen is there.

[chuckles] Excuse me.

[Peter humming]

[clock ticking]

[sigh of relief]

-[gasps] -[groans]

Mrs. Franchetti, not--

[doorbell buzzes]

I will go.

No! No, no.

[doorbell buzzing]

How are you?

Fine.

[Felix] Where's Angela?

She's left.

-[Alfred] For good? -Yep.

It's lucky there are no children.

Angela didn't want children

because it would make this… home untidy.

I'm gonna change.

[Felix] …change your mind, providing for a family…

-[Felix speaking indistinctly] -[Peter] Oh, really?

Now, what's this resignation all about?

Now, look, Peter,

I'm sorry.

I know how you feel.

I've got a niece the same age as that girl.

Now, believe me, I'm going to speak to Barry.

Now, what do you say we forget the whole thing, huh?

I've learned a lot by this.

And I've apologized.

But did you apologize to the girl?

Peter. I need you.

You're the best I've got.

You're like a son to me.

Is this the gratitude I get?

Look, it's not a question of gratitude or apologies, Felix, it's me.

It's just the way I am.

To resign over a small thing like a pregnant girl!

It doesn't make sense to me!

You really mean that, don't you?

If you change your mind, let me know.

If you go,

give me four weeks' notice.

For all those years,

that's not too much.

And Peter, remember,

you promised to unload our friend Braid.

[traffic whirring in distance]

Never, never, never would I ever be put in such a position again.

And how can you allow me to perform

before a bunch of 12-year-old snot-nosed brats?

-[Peter] Barry, will you let me get a-- -Will I what?

I mean, why the hell weren't you or anybody from this office with me?

Can I get a word in edgewise now?

What?

Lydia was with you, Jake was with you, Val was with you.

-So what? Where were you? -Well, I have other clients, haven't I?

-Other clients? -Yes, that's right.

Do you know what I pay you in commissions?

-Approximately. Who else? -Who else makes that kind of money?

Listen, I want service who I want. Out!

[sighs]

-[sighs] -[Felix] Barry is right.

From now on, there'll be someone with you from the agency full-time.

Lydia, make sure we have a copy of Barry's daily schedule.

-Two, love, please. -Of course.

-I'll have it over to you every morning. -Hmm.

Well, now, how is this week's show coming?

Oh, it's great, Felix, really.

Oh, spare me. How would you know, huh?

Look, you call yourself a writer?

-[scoffs] Are you talking to me? -Yeah.

It was your fault, you know, that I screwed up at that lousy benefit.

Where did you find those tired jokes, Val? On a lavatory wall?

Barry, I didn't write them.

[Felix] But whose were they?

[Val] Barry changed the lines.

[Barry] I what?

[Val] You changed the lines!

Barry, what's it matter if a bunch of little kids broke up?

The benefit was a great success. It all worked out.

Worked out how?

The boys have voted you Singer of the Year.

Hey, now, that's bloody marvelous!

-You deserve it. -There's no one like him.

[Felix] Marvelous.

Oh, I love you fellas.

Forget about the benefit.

I mean, everybody screws up once in a while. [chuckles]

Look, I want you all to come to a stag party I'm throwing for Herbie.

I'm telling you, there'll be lots of action.

It's getting late, Barry.

-You gotta do those magazine photographs. -Oh no.

Let them wait, huh?

We'll go to my place first.

Uh, Barry, love, let's get the photographs done.

Jake, do us a favor, love. Get lost.

[door clicks open and shut]

-[Felix] What really happened? -Hmm?

Oh, Barry, he, uh, he adlibbed a couple of gags

that'd make a 50-year-old nymphomaniac blush.

Well, I shall now walk

slowly back to my office and kiss Barry Black's photograph.

-Morning. -Good morning, sir.

-Excuse me, Mr. Reaney. -Yeah.

[woman] Good morning, Mr. Reaney.

Hello.

Miss, uh… Thomas, isn't it?

-That's right. -How are you this morning?

-Excuse me, Miss Thomas. -I'm at work.

Mr. Reaney, this, uh… this check is for

-rather a large sum. -Yes.

No problem. There's over 3,000 pounds in that account.

[nervous chuckle] There was.

What?

[man] Excuse me.

Oh, don't tell me.

She's taking the money.

-Now, listen here, Angela. -We have nothing to say to you.

-Now, Mr. Reaney-- -What?

This is a joint account.

We have no authority to prevent checks from being cashed.

-Come, Angela. There's nothing to be said. -Huh-uh!

Huh-uh!

You don't seem to appreciate the fact that they have just raped

the only worthwhile thing in this marriage,

the joint bank account!

And why not?

It was all I could salvage from the wreck.

Alright, Angela! I'll deal with this.

Oh, let her speak for herself. She's twice the man you'll ever be anyway.

I know your sort.

Now, you might be used to behaving like a lout and a cad.

Your trade's full of your type behaving like that.

Well, your values are not ours, I'm glad to say.

If you'd bother to try and fit into our kind of background,

you might have benefited a bit yourself, but you didn't!

And now, you're paying for it.

[banker] Excuse me.

The account still has a credit of 287 pounds, Mr. Reaney.

"Two hundred and 87 pounds, Mr. Reaney."

Well, I can't keep news like that to myself. I must share it with everyone.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I have 287 pounds.

Is it a hold-up?

Come on.

Oh, you haven't met my charming wife, Fangs Reaney.

And this is Daddy.

In a class of his own that died before I was born.

-[Peter] In fact, the last of the king's… -[father] Face your front, Angela.

own royal Bengal [mumbles].

[clapping]

[Peter] Let's hear it for him, folks.

Let's hear it for him.

Good morning.

By the way.

We should be glad that she got the money because you see, it's blood money.

And she was very, very anemic.

[mocking bark]

[upbeat groovy music]

Hey, I see Shakespeare's been in my script again. [chuckles]

Yeah, Herbie and I just trimmed it and fixed up some new stuff.

-What do you think? -Yeah, we just trimmed it.

What about this bit? [laughs]

Oh, that bit's too much. Hey, Val, look it here, look. Here.

Oh yeah, that bit, that's sensational. It's great.

-We just switched the opening, that's all. -Great, great.

Yeah, we just switched it.

What about the chicken gag? [laughs]

[smooches]

Well, Val, what do you think? Funny?

Like it?

Like it? I love it, Barry. I mean, with your talent, you don't need a writer.

All you need is a typewriter.

-[Jake laughs] -We didn't rewrite much,

just that middle segment.

Yeah, it's just the middle segment, but now the script is as sharp as a knife.

Couldn't be more cut up about it.

[laughing boisterously]

Herbie also changed the dialogue over the final stuff.

Yeah, do you want Val to work on it and polish it up a bit?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Do that, will you, Val? Just give it a polish.

Shall I give it a French polish, or shall I keep it clean?

[Herbie guffawing]

-[Herbie] Funny! -I got a million of them.

[director] Alright, one, take up your position.

Then across. Too fast. Stop. Back, back.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Hold it, one. Cue Barry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's my great pleasure to introduce to you my very special star.

[sighs] I don't care what you say, I'm not going to do it!

-Now, get off! -[murmurs]

-[man] Who does she think she is? -Oh, go on, get off!

[indistinct chatter]

-Anything I can do? -Okay, Barry, look, I'm here, I'm here!

That's a big deal! Look, your so-called guest singer is about 20-foot tall.

What are you going to do about it? Shrink her?

[indistinct radio chatter]

Tell him to go to hell.

-He says what's the problem? -Now, give me that.

[huffs]

Look, if you think I'm going to introduce Glenda, then you can forget it!

Why? Because it makes me look like a midget!

[Jake] He's right, you know. He's absolutely right.

She's your guest singer,

so we can open with a single of her.

Sure, then I come on looking like her kid brother? Thank you!

No one will know how small he is.

If you're not in vision at the same time…

[inaudible]

-Don't you shout at me! -Look, I'll go up, I'll go up!

What does that little twit want me to do?

-You tell him! [muttering] -Walk on my knees?

Who does he think I am? Al Jawston?

I heard that, you rotten bitch.

-[muttering] -[inaudible]

[muttering] He's got no class.

Just one big happy family, huh, Jake?

[chuckles]

I'll be a lot happier when we've got rid of Mary Gray's little problem.

-Oh. -Today's the day!

-She must be- -You got a good man, didn't you, Jake?

I mean, a really qualified doctor?

Sure!

Mind you, he's been struck off the list, but he's good.

Makes a fortune.

Jake.

Do you still have the address?

[chuckles]

-Was it worth it, eh? -Oh, well.

Look.

Just, uh, mention my name.

-Your name? -He's an old friend.

Make sure your girl…

An abortion.

Takes it out of you. Know what I mean?

[laughs]

[doctor] Now, hurry up. Are you nearly dressed?

[children chattering in distance]

Now, when the pain comes back,

I want you to take these pills.

The important thing to remember is…

[clatters]

The important thing to remember

is that you must lie down for at least 48 hours.

And, uh… come and see me in a month's time

and we'll fix you up so this sort of thing won't happen again.

You got somebody to drive you? Next.

Do as I tell you. Go to bed. Come in.

[sighs]

[heavy breathing]

[indistinct chattering]

-[boisterous chattering] -[lively party music]

[whooping]

[lively party music]

[men] Turn around, darling. Take it off.

Take it off. Come on!

[cheering]

[Herbie] Take it off, baby!

[Herbie] ♪ For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For I'm a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ And so… ♪

If that Herbie doesn't shut that trap,

I'm gonna stick one right on the end of his nose.

♪ So say all of you And so say all of you ♪

Why don't you put an egg in your boot and beat it?

Right, darling. Let her perform!

Get off!

[laughing]

Smooth things over. Ow! You son of a bitch!

-Sorry. -Peter, stop it!

Jake, for heaven's sake, do something. Making me look like a fool!

[woman screams]

Stop it, Val!

You old raver.

-Oh! -Peter!

Wait, coming, coming!

What are you doing to my friend?

He called me old.

-[groaning] -[woman shrieks]

-[groaning] -[shouting]

[Peter] Let's get out of here.

Take it.

[party music continuing in distance]

The Lord says a gentleman may…

pass water on the…

rear offside of the vehicle.

Exactly.

Which one shall we pass water on?

Find me a Rolls-Royce.

-Rolls-Royce. -And if you can't

find a Rolls-Royce…

A Jaguar.

Jaguar.

Next best thing is a Jaguar.

Right?

Ready?

-Quit shoving. -I'm not shoving.

[policeman] Come on, then. We sent your friend home more than an hour ago.

[keys clanking, bolt clicks]

[coughs] Morning.

[phone ringing]

[policeman] You'll be required to appear in court at ten o'clock in the morning.

And let me give you a piece of advice. Don't be late.

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings]

-[chuckles] -Mm-hmm.

I see public enemy number two is home safe and sound.

[coughs] Well, safe, but I'm not too sure about sound. I've got this… Oh.

Do you have any coffee?

As a matter of fact, I do.

[Peter] And how is our dear old drunken Val?

[Jody] Out, like a light.

Oh, cheer up, Peter. It could be worse.

[chuckles] You want to bet?

Think positive.

About what?

I've lost my wife, I've quit Felix.

I'm rapidly heading for the bottom.

You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

-You're an attractive man. -[scoffs]

And very good at your job.

Some job.

All I know is booking lousy acts, third-rate singers,

-or listening to some idiot actors. -Oh, stop being so cynical.

Don't you ever dream?

All the time.

When I'm asleep and when I'm awake.

[soft pensive music]

What do you want?

I don't know, love.

People are flying to the moon,

kids are turning governments upside down, and I do nothing.

I've got to justify my existence.

[cup clacks]

I have to find something.

Or someone.

[soft sensual music]

You know who I am, don't you?

-You're Roger the Lodger. -Hm-mm.

-The sod. -[chuckles]

I'd better go.

[dishware clacking]

[Val] Pass the marmalade, darling, will you?

[Sarah] Where is it? Oh.

Mommy sits there.

[sighs] Sit where you like, mate.

Fill me up, love, will you?

[groans]

[grunts] Bloody hell!

-Sarah, go and get a tea cloth, quickly. -[sighs]

Oh God.

If you drank less, you'd have a steadier hand.

Are you saying that that was my blood fault?

Val!

Well, stop pretending just 'cause he's here!

-Go and sit down, Sarah. -You think she doesn't swear

in front of the children?

Stop shouting!

[sighs]

Good morning, folks.

Welcome to another breakfast show with the battling Pringles.

[officer] Case number five, Your Worship, Mr. Reaney and Mr. Pringle.

[gavel tapping lightly]

[indistinct chatter]

[official] You are charged with committing a nuisance

under section four of the Vagrancy Act of 1824,

behavior liable to cause a breach of the peace.

Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Guilty.

[judge] Yes, Officer?

I saw the accused lurching in a drunken manor towards the vehicle,

adjusting their clothing by the offside door.

I then stepped out…

[Peter] State your name, age, and size of boot.

I hereby give notice that I love Jody.

Put that in your book.

…and Mr. Reaney replied,

"You have caught us with our knickers down."

[attendees chuckling]

[policeman] I then took them to the police station,

where they were cautioned and charged

and Mr. Pringle said,

"I would rather you did not kiss me good night."

-Mr. Reaney made no reply. -[attendees giggling]

-[judge] Anything known? -[official] Nothing known, Your Worship.

Both of you are old enough to know better.

I advise you to stay sober in future

and be your age.

This juvenile escapade will cost each of you…

two pounds.

[officer] Step down.

From conviction, straight back to hard labor.

No wonder people take up a life of crime.

-I sentence you to deportation for life. -Why?

Because I'm having it off with your wife, that's why.

[indistinct chattering]

[hooter honks, vehicle rumbles]

Hey, taxi!

Val, I'm in love with Jody,

-Do you know that? -Taxi!

See you at the studio, Pete.

-Val… -[car drives off]

[soft piano lounge music]

[Val] Hi, Pete. I thought I'd find you here.

[Peter grunts] Hello, mate.

Can you do me a favor?

[chuckles] How much?

Oh no, it's not money. It's… It's Jody.

She'd been on at me lately about not taking her out or anything.

-Remember that girl, Mary Gray? -Be a friend.

Take her to the movies for me or something, will you?

I mean, I haven't even started that script yet

-and I've got to turn it in tomorrow. -Listen, mate.

-We've got to have a talk. -Look.

You're not doing anything tonight, are you?

No.

[indistinct chattering]

Hello.

Hello.

Afraid we have to queue.

If we're going to the pictures, you'll have to hold my hand, you know.

As long as you don't talk during the feature.

If I whisper, "I love you," then what?

Darling, control yourself. It's all you have to do.

Impossible!

I've read about ladies like you.

[man] Well, it's like this. Art is dicey, but crap is a guaranteed market.

[chuckles]

It wasn't a mistake that morning.

I loved you all I knew then.

I love you more now.

[man] Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid the cinema is full.

There'll be no more seats tonight.

-Sorry. -[woman] Oh, now you tell us!

Sorry about that.

[gentle music]

Darling. What's go into you?

[gentle sensual music]

[door clicks shut]

Come up with me and see if the kids are okay.

Right. Okay, sure.

[woman giggles]

[woman grunts]

[suspenseful music]

-[woman giggles] -[stifles laugh]

[giggles]

Sorry to break up the script, love.

No big dramas now. Let's not turn a perfectly normal screw

-into Eastlyn. -Oh, shut up!

[chuckling]

Excuse me.

If you want him, take him.

But if you just came for a quickie,

then get out.

Evening, Frances.

Pity your figure is gone.

Let's face it, you get more exercise.

[clicks tongue]

[knocks on door]

Oh, open the door and don't be so stupid.

What's he doing now?

He's locked himself in and he won't come out if there's anyone here.

You'd better go.

Um… Frances.

I think I'm gonna drive you home,

-when you're decent. -Too late for that.

[sighs]

Back to bed!

[Peter] I'll be downstairs.

Oh, Val, open the door!

[doorknob rattling]

-[Jody sighs] -[knocking on door]

Coming in for a quick one?

[moped honks]

Another?

I was talking about a D-R-I-N-K.

Oh, a drink, fine.

No, leave the gate, it's rotten.

[Peter] Lovely view.

[Frances] Mmm, the Thames at night.

And the fairies at the bottom of the garden.

[Peter] Oh, I see.

-Watch it. You could break your neck. -I'm watching.

[moped honks]

-There's a slippery bit. -Oh, sorry about that.

Well, this shipboard life, you know, I'm not used to it.

I bet you're dying to know about your friend Val, aren't you?

Absolutely intrigued.

For a writer, he's got no imagination.

Well, he's just a… kind of straightforward chap.

Do you know he kept his socks on?

[chuckles]

Well, he's kind of absentminded, isn't he?

Ah, is that what they call it, absentminded? Oh, well.

Well, I can tell you're my best friend. [laughs]

[sensual music]

-[Frances] Peter? -Hm-mm?

Do you [sighs] want me?

[scoffs] Well, actually, it's against my competitive instincts to come second.

You are too far away from me.

[soft laidback music]

-Darling. -Mm-hm?

[glass clinks]

Do you have any rope?

Rope?

You know, all kind of prickly and twisty.

Oh! You've got the most way-out leather coat. I've seen you wear it.

Or even better.

A plastic mat. You know, all kind…

Oh, these are perfect! Perfect!

So kinky!

Listen, if we can't find any rope, we'll have knotted string.

Oh now, please.

What's the matter with you?

What is wrong with a perfectly normal…

You don't understand. You see.

You come in

-and you pretend to be my nanny. -[scoffs]

-Oh my God. -Are you crazy? Come on. Stop it!

No, and I've been naughty and you come in with your red booties and you say…

-Cut it out! -No, look! You say,

-Are you sick or something? -"Peter, you've left your rice pudding,"

-and then you punish me like dreadfully. -Get out of here!

Get out of here!

I thought you wanted to make love.

Get out of my house!

-You could've whipped me and everything. -Come on. Get out!

[whistling sound]

[woman singing in distance]

[clock ticking]

I meant to wait up. It got so late.

What are you doing here, Angela?

[sighs] Would you like some coffee?

No.

Sorry about Monday at the bank.

I made Daddy put it all back.

Keep it.

I'm serious, I don't want it. Keep it.

-[Peter sighs] -[Angela] Peter.

I'm…

sorry…

about everything.

[sighs]

I'll sleep on the couch.

Don't go.

I'd forgotten how awful Dad was to live with.

Angela, I loved you.

And I hated you.

And if I felt either emotion right now,

it might be worth a try.

I'm sorry.

[footsteps fade]

[brakes screech]

[door clicks open and shut]

And where did you spend the night?

I went home. [sighs]

Oh.

Jody's still upstairs.

How are things?

[huffs]

Don't ask.

Want a coffee?

[Peter] Yeah.

-Did she say anything, Val? -You sod.

You sod, if you'd been ten minutes later.

[Jody] Who's down there, Val?

It's me.

Do me a favor.

Keep her talking, you know, smooth things over while I go and get dressed?

[soft pensive music]

Good morning.

So formal.

[scoffs]

I think love embarrasses you.

I don't really think I'm used to it yet.

You'll learn.

What did he ask you to do?

-Smooth things over? -Yes, he did!

[stutters, sighs]

You see, I… I tried.

Honestly tried to tell him about us, but…

Poor Val.

We're just a habit with each other now.

[Val] Are you ready, Peter? Let's go.

[sighs] What are we gonna do?

Tell him, Peter.

We've got to.

Hey, hurry up, Pete.

See you later, love.

[Peter] Sorry I embarrassed you last night.

[Val] Oh.

You watch where you're going.

Thinking about Jody and the kids.

The way things are going, I'll have to spend a little more time at home.

What?

Might even finish my book.

Bitch.

Who?

Frances.

How was the movie?

We didn't go to the movie, Val.

-What do you mean? -We didn't go to the movie.

-[honking] -Val, look out!

[laughs] Stupid bastard!

[tense dramatic music]

Val?

Val! Val!

[gasps]

[tense music]

"The last will and testament of Val Pringle

or a letter to those I may concern.

One of these days,

I'm going to be taken dead.

I wanted to write what was in my heart,

but too often,

I found it to be

an empty space.

To my wife, Jody,

I bequeath the following.

I'm sorry…

for all those times

I lacked courage.

You will have all my worldly goods.

And best wishes for a long and happier life.

To my children,

may they grow up strong

and unafraid,

with the ability to laugh,

especially at themselves.

To my friend, Peter, Reaney,

I will unashamedly

my love…

and all good things

and I ask him

to help look after my family.

Finally,

I give my… body…

for what it is worth…

to a hospital for medical research

or…

to a glue factory."

[woman sobs]

[Jody sighs] Let's leave it.

[cups clanking]

They must be asleep.

Listen, Barry's Scandinavian tour starts tomorrow.

You're going back to Felix?

I suppose so.

That's what I'm best at.

Peter, I'm not asking you to choose between me and Felix.

All I'm saying is, if you decide to play the agency game,

please don't come home and bitch about it.

I want a man to walk into the house,

not a little boy who's been kicked in the playground.

I know.

No one's conscripted into being a parasite, but I'll tell you something.

Since I chose to be one,

I am going to be the best

in the business.

-Good morning. -Oh, good, the whole team's here.

-Hi, Barry. Can I see you a minute, Jake? -Hello.

-Yeah. -Oh, thank you.

-Now, Peter, just a minute. -Excuse us.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Jake.

Hi, Eric.

You've done a wonderful job with Barry.

-Thank you very much, Peter. -No, I mean it.

-Mr. Braid, I have a message for you. -Not now.

-He's a pretty tough kid to handle. -Sure.

-But… -Excuse me.

We've decided…

Come in here a minute.

Jake, we feel you're well worth what we're going to offer you.

-Peter, that's very kind of you. -[sighs]

Fifty thousand quid.

Uh, this is a conference.

-[man] Oh, I'm sorry. -[chuckles] How much?

Fifty thousand pounds. That's for Barry's contract.

All good things come to an end, Jake.

-But you're not serious. -[Peter] I'm serious.

Now, look, Peter.

Barry's… He's my life.

Besides, I don't think 50,000 pounds

is a proper return for my part of his contract.

Well, we think it is. And you'll accept it

because the only other alternative is a certain so-called doctor

who carries your name in his files.

What about Felix?

There's no connection, Jake.

-Well, he's just paid for it, that's all. -He knows nothing about it.

-He's just paid for it! -Prove it!

And when the public finds out that Barry

wanted to marry that girl,

with his heart broken when he learned what you did.

Oh yes.

That's very good.

I shall talk to Barry

and he'll listen to me because I'm closer to him than you!

We're clean, Jake!

Fifty thousand spread over two years.

That's the deal.

-Look at me! -[whimpering]

Deal?

[sobbing]

I found him!

That is the deal.

What's going on?

Nothing, I just made a deal with Jake. We'll have that in writing.

[sobbing]

[sighs]

Look.

I got rid of him for you, Felix.

You know my price?

Fifty percent.

Forty.

-Can't we negotiate? -No more talk, Felix.

Remember what you said. I'm like a son to you.

-What about your resignation? -Forget it, partner.

I'll tell Barry about Jake. [sighs]

Yes, you do that. He'll be happy to save the commission.

That's fine with me.

We share the money,

we share the problems.

[sighs]

Somebody's got to be at the inquest today.

What inquest?

Mary Gray's.

She's dead.

[unsettling music]

Who's dead?

The girl Barry got pregnant.

The mother's been taken care of.

But we don't want the press getting at her, huh?

So, you'll handle that, will you?

Pick me up at Barry's house when it's over.

Partner.

-[tense unsettling music] -[door slams shut]

[speaking indistinctly]

Mary Louisa Gray,

age 17, death by hemorrhage caused by induced miscarriage

procured by personal persons unknown.

Police to follow… Oh, thank you.

[policeman] I swear by almighty God that the evidence I give to this court

should be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

It appears that the girl went to cartoon cinema sometime in the afternoon.

[loud bang]

[cartoon on screen] Sorry, chief, I pushed the automatic destruct button by mistake.

[cartoon 2] Oh, never mind.

-Just bring in Yellow Pinkie. -Right, chief!

Oh, by the way, how do I find Yellow Pinkie?

Look in the phonebook under Pinkie,

-what else? -Now why didn't I think of that?

No wonder he's a chief agent.

-Where to now with this? -Into the ocean, Morocco.

-Our target lies a few miles out at sea. -Roger.

Gosh, you mean we got to bring back Yellow Pinkie?

Right. And keep your eyes open.

I got a funny feeling we're being watched.

[Yellow Pinkie chuckles] These secret agents.

Don't they know that I, Yellow Pinkie,

am much too clever to be captured? [chuckles]

[buzz]

[cartoon] Just stick close to me, Morocco,

and you got nothing to worry about. We mustn't be separated.

Welcome to Yellow Pinkie's island, gentlemen.

What can I do to you? I mean, for you?

You can come along peacefully.

-You're under arrest, Yellow Pinkie. -And if I don't?

[policeman] One of the patrons had found the girl unconscious.

I had promptly instructed the manager

to telephone for an ambulance while I pursued my investigations.

[manager] Ring for an ambulance.

I don't want the house lights up to disturb the patrons.

-Yes, very good, sir. -Shh!

-[patrons chuckling] -[cartoon] Secret ray gun, laser beam gun.

I'll use the laser blazer.

So long, Yellow Pinkie.

[Yellow Pinkie cackles] This mirror will bounce that laser beam right back.

[cackling] Imagine, trying to trap me with a crude laser gun.

How drôle.

There was no pulse. Immediate cause of death was not apparent.

Thank you, Officer.

[judge] The callous brutality,

the commercial disregard for human life so often present in these abortion cases

is a cause for the deepest concern.

When I think of this young girl dying in public,

in a place of entertainment,

I see a total obscenity.

I would like to thank all the mothers

of all the daughters for making this possible.

[women chanting] We want Barry!

[women chanting] We want Barry!

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

We want Barry!

Wait here.

[women chanting] We want Barry!

[chanting] We want Barry!

We want Barry!

[screaming]

[screaming, cheering]

[Barry laughs] You alright? Hello, everyone!

Hey!

Where the hell have you been? Have you got the tickets?

I've been to see the mother of one of your girls.

-Hi! -Her daughter died.

What daughter?

Mary Gray. She's dead!

Peter!

I can't feel sorry for every little scrapper I pick up!

And there's plenty more where she came from!

[birds chirping]

[Peter] Black!

-[grunts] -[gasping]

-[woman] Go get some water. -[indistinct chatter]

-[sobbing] He hit my face. -[woman] It's alright.

Let's go.

Let's go. Come on.

[bright upbeat music]

♪ It's a good world for people Who think good thoughts ♪

♪ It's a bad world for people who don't ♪

♪ Bend over backwards ♪

♪ Let your head touch the ground ♪

♪ Faith and compassion Make the world go around ♪

♪ Envy and anger will only destroy you ♪

♪ Resentment will tear you apart ♪

♪ So bend, you got to bend over backwards Bend, you got to bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend, you gotta bend That's the way to start ♪

♪ All you need is just a heart ♪

♪ All you need is just a heart ♪

♪ How can you stand it ♪

♪ While the universe falls ♪

♪ Start building bridges ♪

♪ And start tearing down walls ♪

♪ Lies and deceptions Are too much to live with ♪

♪ It's time to start playing a part ♪

♪ So, bend You got to bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend a little, bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend, you gotta bend That's the way to start ♪

♪ All you need is just a heart ♪

[bright groovy music]

♪ Lies and deceptions Are too much to live with ♪

♪ It's time to start playing a part ♪

♪ So, bend You got to bend over backwards ♪

♪ Bend a little, bend over backwards, bend You gotta bend, that's the way to start ♪