All language subtitles for The Addams Family (1964) — 1x01 — The Addams Family Goes to School_track5_[eng]

(FINGERS SNAPPING
RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family

♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick
you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

Is this where
the Addams family lives?

Yeah.

You going in there?

I'm the truant officer.

They've got two kids
who have never
set foot in school.

Good luck, Charlie.

(CREAKS)

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

Hello.

Hello.

Uh, you must be one of
the Addams children.

I'm Wednesday.

I'm Mr. Hilliard.

Are your parents at home?

They're always at home.

I'd like to see them.

You mean you wanna come in?

If you don't mind.

(BRUNO GROWLING)

(BRUNO GROWLING)

Nice place you've
got here, Wednesday.

We like it.
It's so nice and gloomy.

(BIRDS CAWING)

Who's that?

WEDNESDAY: That used to be
a friend of my daddy's.

Wednesday!

Wednesday.

Here. I fixed it for you.

Pugsley is very handy.

Fixed her? That doll
doesn't have a head.

It's Marie Antoinette.

Grandmama told us about
the French Revolution

and Pugsley
chopped off her head.

(GRUNTS)

Meet you out in the cemetery.

Mommy is in the conservatory.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Why, you perked up
my African strangler.

Come here, darling.

Mommy, this is Mr. Hilliard.

How do you do, Mr. Hilliard?

Uh, Mrs. Addams,
I was sent here...

My hemlock has been
very listless lately.

Do you know
anything about hemlock?

No, Mrs. Addams.
I was sent here to...

Oh, what a pity.

I think I'll run along
and bury Marie Antoinette.

Have fun, dear.

Just look at my
beautiful poison oak.

Every leaf so alive.

Mrs. Addams, your children
are six and eight years old...

And growing like toadstools.

My hemlock
continues to droop.

They've got to attend school.

It's the law.

Oh, I'd love to discuss
that with you, Mr. Hilliard,

but you see, I can't.

You must speak to my husband.

The law is his responsibility.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

That's quite a bell.

Yes, Gomez is
very fond of it.

But we can never use it
when we have
a cake in the oven.

Hello, Mr. Addams.

I didn't hear you come in.

Lurch is our butler.

He will take you
to Mr. Addams.

Uh, couldn't I just stay here?

I'm sure you and I
can settle this matter.

On the other hand,
perhaps it would be better
to see Mr. Addams.

(IN BARITONE VOICE)
Follow me.

My poor little hemlock.

Where have I failed you?

I know.

You haven't been getting
enough moonlight.

Mr. Addams.

Mr. Addams, I am Sam Hilliard
from the Sherwood School.

How do you do, Mr. Hilliard?

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)

HILLIARD: I just stopped
by to talk to you about...

(ALARM BLARING)
They're gonna crash.

You think so, huh?

Beautiful. Beautiful.

You meant to blow them up?

Of course.
Why else would a grown man
play with trains?

You wanna blow
the other bridge?

Oh, some other time.

You know how it is
with a small child
and new trains.

What can I do for you?

Uh, it's about sending
the children to school.

Oh, Mama's in charge
of the education.

She's in the guest room
playing darts
with Uncle Fester.

But they've got
to go to school.

Everybody sends
their kids to school.

Ridiculous. Why have children
just to get rid of them?

I'm opposed to
the whole nonsense.

But don't you
want them to learn?

Learn, you say?

Look at that.
Little Wednesday's.

Spiders.

Pedigreed.

Ever known a child who could
raise thoroughbred spiders?

No.

There you are.

But I was referring
to more formal learning.

Uh, reading.

What is there for
a six-year-old to read?

But someday she'll be 26.

See you then.

Mr. Addams, surely you want
your youngsters to be
like other children.

But they are.

You should see little Pugsley
wrestling with his octopus.

A live octopus?
He's all boy.

What if he bites him?

Mr. Hilliard,
Pugsley doesn't bite.

A little nip now
and then perhaps.

But it's all in fun.

Well, look,
this isn't my idea.

The board of education...

We have our own
board of education.

Mama tutors the children
in all the fine arts.

Music, painting, ballet.

She's the longhair
of the family.

And a fantastic dart player.

You only got 10 points.

I nipped him in the ear,
didn't I?

Ear? Watch the master.

You're standing
right in my way.

It's the only safe place.

Step aside.

Now watch this one.

Right in the old gizzard.

This is the guest room.

That was close.

Go ahead, Fester,
you get another shot.

This time, get him
right in the old heart.

(SCREAMING)

What's the matter
with your friend?

I don't know.

(DOOR SLAMS)
Weird, isn't he?

HILLIARD: Then that crazy
plant grabbed me.

And you should've seen
how happy he was
when he blew up the bridge.

And that big monster
they call a butler.

He would've
frightened Frankenstein.

Now, Mr. Hilliard, really.

I was there.

That knife was aimed
straight at my heart.

Now, now, calm down.

But I got away.

Please try and pull
yourself together.

Mr. Hilliard,

if you'll take my advice,
you'll go home

and lie down for a while.

If you take my advice,

you'll leave those Addams kids
right where they are.

That's the closet. I'm sorry.

I never knew he drank.

Oh, the thorns are
so much larger this fall.

Lovely, Morticia.

You have such
a way with roses.

Thank you, Gomez.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Did I just hear
a peal of thunder?

You did, Tish. You did.

Oh, that's the most
heavenly sound.

It makes life worth living.

You remember our honeymoon,
Gomez?

Who could forget
our first night
in Death Valley.

There was a stillness
in the air.

Tish.

The moon was full.

And that lovely soft
fluttering of bat wings.

And the divine cave.

You're so romantic, Tish.

I think they're
waiting for us, Gomez.

(LURCH PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

The music is so lovely.

Look, darling.
I finished it this morning.

How do you think
Cousin Imar is going to
like his new sweater?

Uh-huh.

That's odd.

What's odd, dear?

I didn't know Cousin Imar
wore turtleneck sweaters.

(PLAYING ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC)

(PLAYING TANGO MUSIC)

Mmm. Querida.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

The mail's in.

Never mind, Lurch.
I'll get it.

Thank you, Thing.

It's for you, Mommy.

Thank you, darling.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

What is it, Tish?

The Sherwood School
insists that we enroll
the children immediately.

We must've made
a very good impression
on that Mr. Hilliard.

Morticia, you can't send
the children to school.

I'll be lost without them.

Gomez,
I've seen little Wednesday

looking out the fence
at the other children.

I think she wants
to play with them.

Well, she didn't get that
from my side of the family.

School?

I never went to school,
and look how I turned out.

Uncle Fester, looks,
charm and personality
aren't everything.

There's such a thing as
learning and accomplishment.

Accomplishment?

Who else do you know
that's 110 volts?

FESTER: Watch!

(BUZZING)

Beautiful.

I can even make it blink.

(BUZZING)

You do have natural talent,
Uncle Fester.

But that has nothing to do
with learning or knowledge.

I'll call the school
and tell them we'll be
there in the morning.

Morticia.

Gomez.

Darling.

Mother knows best.
Now, believe me.

We'll send
the children to school.

School? That's for kids.

(PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

I'm sure the children
are going to be
very happy here.

If we wanted them to be happy,
we'd have let them stay home.

Now, Miss Comstock, I...

Wasn't that that nice
Mr. Hilliard?

He certainly is
an odd one, isn't he?

Have you noticed it, too?

Yes.

Why, do you know,
he suddenly ran out of
our house the other day?

Frightened by
a simple game of darts.

I'm going to have to have
another talk with him.

B-O-O-Z-E.

Booze.

Really?
I guess I underestimated him.

Come along, children.

Be good today,
Wednesday, Pugsley.

PUGSLEY: All right.
Goodbye, children.

Goodbye.

Oh, dear.

I'm going to miss the patter
of their little feet

sneaking up behind me.

I'm so glad we had
no trouble with this.

Of course, these cases
bring the superintendent
down on our necks.

And he's the most difficult,
troublesome man.

Oh?

COMSTOCK: And there's
always one like that
in the school system.

GOMEZ: Well, I know
just how to handle it.

You get me his picture
and I'll send it to
my friend DuBois in Haiti.

When he's through
sticking pins in it...

Gomez.

You haven't heard
from DuBois in years.

He may not be taking
mail orders anymore.

How about a nice old-fashioned
horse whipping?

GOMEZ: Good, good.
Or let our boa constrictor
give him a good squeeze.

A little dip in boiling oil?

(LAUGHING)

Miss Comstock,
you're my kind of people.

Tish, what about
Goomba in Nairobi?

He gets some
wonderful results
with just a drum.

And now that
we have Telstar...

You're so practical.

Four minutes after 3:00
and they're not here yet.

Are they gonna
keep them there
for night school?

Gomez, a watched cauldron
never bubbles.

They'd be here by now
if they let Pugsley drive.

(CAR TIRES SQUEALING)

By Jove, I think they did.

Wednesday.

(CRYING)

What is it, Wednesday?

What is it, darling?
That's it.

There, there, there.

Father, it was terrible.
They killed him.

Mr. Hilliard?
The dragon.

What dragon?
Who killed a dragon?

A knight in shining armor.

He killed the dragon.

I can't believe
anyone would kill a dragon.

The poor, defenseless dragon.

That isn't all.
You ought to hear

some of the other
stories in her book.

Let me see that, darling.

Grimm's Fairy Tales.

What a lovely name, Grimm.

How could he write
such terrible stories?

Must be sick.

Atavistic cruelty.

Perverse barbarism.

Such violence.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Gomez!

That settles it.
No more school.

Good thinking, sir.

That's all right
for our children,

but what about
all the others?

I suppose you're right.
We should do something.

Just as ordinary citizens.

I could call
that Miss Comstock.

No.

I'll call that
nice Mr. Hilliard
and invite him over.

And we'll discuss it with him.

You know, I really think
he liked us.

Oh, no, no. Never!

But, Mr. Hilliard,
they insist on seeing you.

I'm sorry, I haven't
made out my will yet.

What if Mr. Hilliard
doesn't come?

Angel, your father sent
Lurch for Mr. Hilliard,

and it's very difficult
for people to refuse Lurch.

He has such
a nice way with them.

Now, let me see your hands.

Oh, excellent, Pugsley.

The nails are nice
and clean and sharp.

And you did very well, too,
Wednesday darling.

I think we took
a bath for nothing.

Mr. Hilliard.

Mr. Hilliard.
I'm so glad you could come.

MORTICIA: Put Mr. Hilliard
in the good chair.

(BRUNO GROWLING)

That'll be all
for now, Lurch.

(BRUNO GROWLING)

Children.

You just never know
what they're thinking.

I do.

GOMEZ: We do have a bone to
pick with you, Mr. Hilliard.

Haven't we?

Oh, perhaps I have done
some little thing.

Ah, Mr. Hilliard,
murder is not a little thing.

Murder?

As if you didn't know.

But first, some refreshment.

Mama?

Uncle Fester?

(GONG RESOUNDING)

Wait till you see
what they've got
cooked up for you.

The end.

It figures.

No! No, thank you.

We made it
especially for you.

I know, I know.

You must taste the cookies.

GRANDMAMA:
An old family recipe.

The bats are my favorites,

although the lizards
are good, too.

You can feel them wiggling
practically all the way down.

Time to go.

Mr. Hilliard,
you're a bundle of nerves.

Isn't there something
we can do for him, Gomez?

Of course.

The rack.
The rack?

That stretching, so relaxing.

Lurch.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

The rack for Mr. Hilliard.

No! Please!

I just had it overhauled.

I got all the squeaks back in.

If I've caused any trouble...

Oh, we're not really
blaming you, Mr. Hilliard.

But there are some things
we just can't tolerate.

Like what?
Like violence.

Well, what's wrong
with a little...

Violence?

The kind they're teaching
the children at school.

You did say, "Teaching
the children in school"?

Come now, Mr. Hilliard.

Let's not pretend.

Have you read your friend
Grimm lately?

(STAMMERING) Those harmless
little fairy tales?

GOMEZ: Harmless?

Killing a poor
defenseless dragon?

But there are no real dragons.

What gave you that impression?

And what about that
Hansel and Gretel?

Little Hansel and Gretel?

Little juvenile delinquents.

Pushing sweet old
ladies into hot ovens.

Sweet old...

That's not what you want
to feed little children.

Of course not.

Then why don't you
just run right down
to the School Board,

and tell them to do
something about it?

Well, I...

You know,
I'm beginning to think
you've got something.

You are? Another drink
for Mr. Hilliard!

No, please.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

I'm beginning to
see your point.

Something must be done.

From dragons to
toy guns to real guns
to bombs to atom bombs!

You know what?

Thinking like yours
can save the world.

(WHIMPERING)

I must confess I misjudged
you people completely.

Thank you.

Do you think he'll convince
the School Board?

I don't know.

He's such a weird little man.

(HARPSICHORD PLAYING)

Fester, you're not cheating.

I'm sorry.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Pugsley.
He's building Wednesday
a little dollhouse.

(RINGING)

Why, thank you, Thing.

Hello. Yes.

Wonderful.
Yes, the children will be
in school tomorrow.

Thank you.

That was that nice
Mr. Hilliard.

He said the School Board
accepted our ideas
enthusiastically.

Really? Well, now,
Mr. Hilliard may be right.

We may have saved the world.

Do you think we did
the right thing?