All language subtitles for American Auto s02e08 Hack.eng

So Friday's picnic
for our military families.

That's just a quick bite,
and we're out, right?

- Yes.
- Think so.

Yeah.

Great, and then we'll--
I don't know--

we'll lead the veterans
down to the Detroit River,

and we'll just push them under.
Sound like a plan?

Mm-hmm.

So you're pro drowning

America's heroes
and their families?

That's a bold take.

Sorry, they're taking
PR photos of the Pika

in the weather testing chamber.

No one's responding to my text
because the service

- sucks down there.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, all hands on deck,
then, huh?

Yeah, maybe I should
climb up there myself

and manually boost the signal.

[both laugh]

Just gonna give
'em notes in person.

[computer chimes]

Dory, can we do something

about that incessant
ding sound?

Every time some HR drone
sends me a happy hump day meme,

I get a bell in the face.

- So annoying.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm on it.

I'll get something
more soothing

- like a like a whale song.
- What is this?

"Payne Motors
has been hacked

"$20 million in Bitcoin
by end of day

or contents being released."

Is there a hacking meme
going around?

* Bom bom
bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪

[chorus vocalizing]

I'm Bill.
This is Eric.

We're with cybersecurity
here at Payne.

Early this morning,
our corporate servers

were indeed accessed
by a team of hackers.

Luckily, the firewalls did
their job and booted them out.

They only got
a small amount of data.

Data?
Like our--like our emails?

Um, hi.

I do this funny thing
where I write

playful sarcastic emails about
how awful my coworkers are.

And, again, tongue is firmly
planted in cheek,

but out of context,
it might seem hurtful.

Usually these teams
target customer data.

- Ohh.
- Oh, phew.

Financial info, credit
card numbers, that kinda thing.

Yeah, and certainly,
obviously, we don't want

- to lose any of that.
- I mean, I would prefer

- that it was our data.
- Oh, for sure.

- Given a choice.
- I wish.

So we're gonna have
to shut down

the network to do an audit,
so internet,

key cards,
office computers

will all be offline.

It's a paper and pen day.

Right, well,
thank you guys so much.

We really do appreciate it,
your expertise and knowledge.

- Thanks, everyone.
- Hey, we believe in you!

[both chuckling]

- Do we believe in them?
- No, God.

They don't look right to me.

Too clean cut.
They need to be more punky.

- Yeah.
- Um, nah,

I think that's, like,
a movie thing.

Yeah, but the movie people
have done their research.

I mean,
it's based on real life.

- Right.
- Exactly, we need

a young chick whose name
is, like, Destiny,

and she's got, like,
a spiked collar

and a bunch of, you know,
gross face piercings,

messed up childhood,

so sexually,
she's all over the map.

Look, even if
the dweebs are right

and the hackers didn't
get anything, you know,

I don't wanna risk it.
Let's just pay the ransom.

I love that idea.
I think that's really great.

it sends
a really strong message,

you know,
and that message is, you know,

here's the money,
just leave us alone.

- Right.
- But isn't paying the hackers

just like rewarding
the criminals?

We're the victims here.

However we choose
to process our own trauma

is inherently right.

Yeah, because if we don't
get to decide our own fate,

then that's like
victimizing us twice.

- Exactly.
- Right.

We don't even really know
if they're criminals.

They could just be
a couple of regular Joes

who are saving up money
for a lifesaving

heart transplant for their mum,
you know?

[all agreeing]

Y'all know that I was
just kidding about writing

the mean emails, right?

'Cause nobody laughed, so I--

I didn't know if y'all got it.

Huh.
Yeah.

These are--
are there any camera tricks

to make it look less
like the weather is winning?

- I could airbrush it.
- Yeah.

Don't be shy with that.
Good idea. Thanks, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up.

I was trying to text you,
but there is

- no service down here.
- No.

- Our computers got hacked.
- We got hacked?

- Mm-hmm.
- Like by professional hackers?

I'm not sure
if they're professionals

our just, like,
really good amateurs,

but I figured
you'd want to know.

Yeah, we gotta
get back up there.

Yeah, yeah.

What is--
Why isn't this working?

Right. Uh, the IT guys
said the key cards

would be offline for a while.

Hello?

I don't know why hackers
always want Bitcoin.

If it were me,
I would demand cash.

And you'd be
a fool because Bitcoin

is far superior to fiat cash.

What the hell is fiat cash?

It's, uh--
it's cash,

but this is better
because it's decentralized.

Oh, "de"-centralized?
Wow, yeah.

Because I always hated
how centralized my money was.

You know what? Look.
Let me show you something.

Don't love
where this is going.

[unzips pants]
So hold on.

So right in this tiny,
hard wallet,

I have most of my net worth
converted to crypto.

If the entire
financial system crashes,

Wesley's still
got his money, honey.

Now what if someone
steals that wallet?

- Mm.
- OK. Well there's

a passphrase, and if they
enter the phrase incorrectly

ten times,
it locks out forever.

And if I ever want my money,
I just have to type in,

"milk was a bad choice."

[buzzer blares]

Uh, I forgot it was all caps.

"Milk was a bad choice."

[buzzer blares]

Now when you say it locks
forever after ten tries,

- how would you unlock it?
- Well, I mean, you can't.

It would just all get erased.

Because it's decentralized,
that's what makes it so great.

Shh, OK, It's fine.
I know it.

And I have eight more tries,
so just relax, guys.

- I wasn't tripping.
- I said relax, guys!

Knock, knock.

Either knock
or say "knock knock."

Yes.
Good point as ever.

Your mentorship
is greatly appreciated.

I just wanted to talk to you
about the hacker ransom.

So, ugh, so annoying.
Turns out we can't pay it.

What? Why not?

Well, it's kind of
interesting story.

- You can stand.
- Yeah, OK.

The thing is Payne,
as a Fortune 500 company,

like many others,
has a pretty rigid

internal policy
about not paying out ransoms

in cases
of digital malfeasance.

- Why would we do that?
- It's a deterrent, you see.

If they think
that we can't pay,

you know, then they're not
gonna bother to hack us.

- But they did hack us.
- Yeah, they did.

- So the deterrent didn't work.
- No, no.

Not this time for sure, yeah.

Bit of a hole
in the logic there I suppose.

Great,
so now we're stuck trusting

those two bowls
of human oatmeal

- to handle the hack for us.
- Yeah, well, you know.

- I mean, hopefully.
- Don't sit.

No.
No, I'm not.

Hello?

Hey, maybe we can
just pick the lock?

[jiggles handle]
You know how to pick a lock?

I'll google it.
I won't--I have no service.

Right. Just call somebody.

No service.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

Well, one of them
must open the door.

- It's a big door.
- Oh.

[buzzer blares]
OK. Stop, stop!

- I'm trying to turn it off.
- Please stop!

- Open this door!
- Please stop!

[both yelling indistinctly]

Oh, God!

♪ ♪

Hey, team.
Just checking in.

We still feeling confident
about everything or--

We're still
running diagnostics,

but we can confirm
that the network is completely

locked off from the hackers.

And our firewall
did an even better job.

They weren't able to access
any customer data whatsoever.

Really? Wow!

[laughs] Oh, gosh.
Man, you guys are impressive.

I guess looks
can be deceiving, huh?

- [laughs]
- What way do you mean?

Anyway, they got nothing?

Well, they actually
pulled about

- ten gigs of internal data.
- Internal? Huh, ten gigs?

That is--
how much is?

"Encanto" is about two gigs
if you pirate it,

more if you want
ultra high-def.

Well, you gotta watch
it in high-def.

- You do.
- So they got, what,

a few high def "Encantos"
of our stuff?

It's actually
just your server,

so your emails,
instant messages, memos,

all your
internal communications.

Oh, so just--
so just my personal data.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

- But the customers are safe.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly.

And that is what is important.

God, what a relief.
[laughs]

What an absolute relief.

I mean,
eventually they'll realize

we've been gone too long,
and they'll come

- check on us, right?
- I hope.

They seem pretty distracted
by the IT guys

and how they didn't have
enough piercings.

Yeah,
that does sound like us.

I shouldn't have
pressed that button.

Playtime is over.
I am being decisive.

We gotta pay that ransom.

- Just, you know, we can't.
- Why?

Because of the company policy?
I'm the CEO.

I am the company.
So guess what?

- Poof. No more policy.
- Yes, right.

It's just, with all due respect
to the power of poof,

without the shield
of a corporate mandate,

you know, I'm the one
that's on the hook

for having authorized
the payments.

Right. So, great.
You can do it.

Technically I can,
but I...won't.

What?

Well, what you're really
asking me to do

is put my name
to a series of payments

to people who, for all we know,
might be terrorists.

We don't know.
You know,

I could be breaking
any number of laws.

They have all my emails.

Do you realize how bad
that would be if they got out?

I'd be humiliated.

With all due respect to that,
and I don't want you to be

humiliated at all, but equally
on the other side of the coin,

I don't want to go to jail.

So you have to admit that
it is kind of a close call.

Are you really saying
no to me right now?

- Is that what's happening here?
- No.

Apart from that one.
It doesn't count.

Look, what I'm trying
to say is--

Because to be honest,
the fact that you

aren't brownnosing me
right now,

- it's very, very disorienting.
- I know. I know.

It's weird for me, too.

Retrace your steps mentally.

Where were you
when you changed it?

- What were you doing? Who--
- Oh, oh,

Fedora.
I was wearing a fedora.

- There you go. A fedora?
- Ew.

It's the exact same one
Bruno Mars wears.

First things first, you need
to get rid of that damn hat.

Wait, wait, wait.
Bruno Mars.

Bruno.
Sacha Baron Cohen.

Oh, my God.
I think I remember it.

I like to make sexy time.

- Oh.
- Nice.

[buzzer blares]
Ah.

Oh, uh, my wife
likes to make sexy time.

No, It's not "my wife
likes to make sexy time."

Have you even seen the movie?

- OK, Is it a person?
- Yep.

Definitely not an animal.
Wait, that's doesn't count.

- That doesn't count.
- Yes, it does.

So if you go into
the negative on "Jeopardy!",

do you have to pay them?

If you're worried,
I just wouldn't go on the show.

So is it bigger than a dog?

Yes, obviously.
It's a person.

Sorry, I just thought
like, you know,

what about like a--
like a big dog?

You can't give
an invisibility cloak

to boy that age.

They're gonna use it
for sex stuff.

- You would have?
- Yeah.

Of course, I would have.
Everybody boy would have.

And Harry did, too.
It was just offscreen.

If you wanted
to know if it's a big dog,

say is it a big dog?

I'm thinking
of the next question, Sadie.

I already said it's a person.

- So kill Elliot.
- What about Wesley?

Uhh.

I'm gonna marry him
just for the money.

OK.

Never having sex
with him ever.

And I just
don't understand

how a little girl
is allowed to have

a dog the size of a house.

And if you read those books,
like, really read them,

you realize that Clifford
is constantly killing people.

Like, his tail
is swatting the mailman

300 feet through the air.

Got it.
Is it Katherine?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Finally.

- Ah, that is so pathetic.
- Yeah, a little bit.

[laughter]

Oh, it's stopping.
It stopped.

- Maybe it's on a timer.
- Thank God.

I've been dying
to stretch my legs.

- Ohh.
- Ooh. Phew.

[buzzer blares]
[fan whooshing]

- Whoa!
- Oh! Oh, my God!

- OK, get back, get back.
- Oh, oh.

Get back, get back.

Whew,
I guess it's a whole cycle.

So you think
you can just talk the hackers

out of releasing your emails?

Well, I would prefer
to pay them,

but I guess I'll just have
to charm them instead.

Trust me,
I can schmooze anyone.

- OK, we're on.
- Oh. Hey, there! Hi!

Katherine Hastings,
CEO Payne Motors.

- And who do we have here?
- No names.

[laughs] Anonymous.
Very cool.

I like it, yeah.
May I call you hacker?

Is that--
Is hacker an offensive term?

It's probably
a badge of honor.

And how would you know that?

It's fine.

- See?
- We have our demands.

Deliver the Bitcoin,
or we leak the data.

Yes, well,
I want to pay you,

but we have encountered
a slight hiccup

on the legal side.

I don't know
what it's like in your office,

but maybe you have
one of those guys

who's like a real by the books
kind of stick in the mud.

You know,
really not a team player,

- kinda grates on everyone.
- Ivan.

Yes.
[laughs]

Ugh, exactly, exactly.

I think we're both just gonna
have to work around

our respective Ivans here.

This is a waste of time,
all right?

These guys are criminals
or possibly terrorists.

Come on, Elliot.

I mean, you guys
aren't terrorists, right?

We're freedom fighters.

I'm not sure
what to do with that one.

You must pay Bitcoin
by end of day

or we will send this
to everyone.

- [gasps]
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Everyone, look away!

Why does this exist?

Richard and I were sexting.
Nobody's supposed to see these.

- Katherine.
- Is that Elliot in the back?

I am mid-presentation.

I knew you weren't
paying attention.

All right.
Nobody look, nobody look!

It's looking right at me.

This is
our therapist's fault.

Richard and I
were falling apart,

and her only advice is,
"keep it spicy."

Your therapist
advised full spread?

That is not professional.
You should sue.

God, how could this
be happening to me?

Well, we could probably
trace it back to when

you took your undies off
at work.

- [sighs]
- Hey, did you connect

your phone
to your work account?

Because then they
would have access

to all of your text messages.

Oh, my God. That can happen?

[sighs] That means
they have all the photos.

All the photos?

You mean there's more
than what we saw?

That was one
of the classier ones.

I'm stressed.
Let me hit it.

I gotta go call Richard.

Waffles69.
Waffles exclamation point.

OK.

You are not gonna believe
what you just missed.

Katherine sent
a nude to her husband

and the hackers got hold of it.

- Oh, cool.
- No, no, no.

They sent it to us.
You can see everything.

- [sighs] Oh, my--
- I feel like

you should be
a lot more excited about this.

I'm trying to remember
all the passwords

I've ever used for any account.

Maybe I use one of them
for the Bitcoin.

What's "don't go
Jason Waterfalls"?

- Uh, the TLC song?
- That's not the line.

I thought it was the line
when I made the password,

or maybe I didn't.

I don't know, man.
I'm freaking out.

I probably could get you
a copy of the photo.

That'd be fun, right?

Naked pictures of women.
Wes, now I'm getting concerned.

[fan whooshing]

- Can you actually--
- Yep, that's annoying.

- Sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

Are you sure
they have all the pictures?

- Yes.
- No!

- Yes.
- What about the kitchen one?

All of them, Richard!

I would never
use condiments that way.

I'll fix it.
I always fix everything.

- You see what you did?
- I am not enjoying this, OK?

I hate it, all right?

I can feel
my hives coming back.

I don't get it.

You're usually such
a spineless, weak yes-man.

Yeah, I know, OK?

And that's why
every fiber of my being

is screaming at me
to authorize the payments.

I am desperate
to obey her, but I can't.

Well, just do it.

Pretend she's
the queen or something.

She's not the only victim
in this, all right? OK?

Yes, her genitals
are out in the public sphere,

but so is my face
right next to her genitals.

What are people going to think?

They're gonna be thinking
about her genitals.

[both tapping rhythmically]

- Take it home!
- I see you.

[laughs]

That was quite good.

I think so.

That was the coolest
I've ever felt.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, it's snowing.

That is actually
really pretty.

Oh, it's kinda--it's coming
down pretty hard, though.

- Yeah.
- It's really cold.

- Fast, too.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Hypnosis is just
about getting you

into a meditative state so
that you can access memories.

Now close your eyes
and take in

a nice, deep breath.

Shouldn't you have,
like, a pocket watch

or, like, a big spiral thing
that keeps turning?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
you wanted to be hypnotized

"Looney Tunes" style.

I'm telling you this will work.

In therapy, it helped me
through a lot of stuff.

OK, maybe my mind's not
as weak as yours, though.

- Excuse me?
- I'm not suggestible.

God, I'm not one
of those idiots

who can be hypnotized
into clucking like a chicken

- or whatever.
- Mm-hmm, right.

Well, even if I was trying
to get you to make

chicken noises,
they're super hard to make,

so I doubt you could
do it anyway.

Not that hard dude. Cluck.

No, I mean
like a real chicken

because chickens don't cluck.
They "bock."

OK, fine.
"Bock."

No, but they're, like,
much louder and higher pitch.

- "Bock."
- Yeah, but more repetitive.

[imitating chicken]

Oh,
and you don't think anybody

- could ever get you to do that?
- No. I don't.

- OK. Show me again.
- [imitating chicken]

Knock knock.

Oh, Katherine.
Hi, come in.

This is your office, huh?
This is the whole--

well, it's nice.

- You've done a nice job with it.
- Thanks.

Look, Katherine,
I can't do what it is you--

I consider you a friend,
I do.

I mean, I know we have fun
with your accent,

and all that, you know.

Like, what do you call this?

- Oh, that's a soda.
- No, no.

- The material, the can.
- Oh.

- The aluminum.
- Oh yeah.

- Say aluminum.
- Aluminum.

No, not how I would say it.

Say--
um, it's fine.

Look, I'm not going
to ask you to do something

you're not comfortable with.

In the end, I respect
whatever you decide.

I am just--

I am just asking you
as a friend

to please consider
doing this for me.

Thank you,
and I appreciate that.

And listen,
I would love to help--

Holy [bleep]!
You are worthless.

You are a worthless grub
of a man.

Whoa.

Whew. Ugh.

That cold air just pours
right in, doesn't it?

- It's just so poorly made.
- Mm-hmm.

I thought that,
like, doing this thing

was gonna make you warmer,
it's making me colder.

You know,
on "Naked and Afraid,"

they always kinda, like,
hug each other

- for body heat.
- Right.

I wasn't suggesting
that we, like--

Ooh, yeah,
I am down for, like,

- a safety cuddle, if you are.
- You're down?

- Yeah, yeah.
- OK, sweet.

- Bring it in.
- Yeah.

- Whoa.
- Mm-hmm.

[both chuckling]

Yeah. That is nice.

Oh.

I am begging you, Elliot.

This will ruin my life,
not just my job.

You think Richard is gonna
to stay with me

if I am the reason
that a picture of his penis

with a squiggle of mustard
gets out on the internet?

Why would you take
that picture?

We thought it would be sexy.

I mean, it was stupid.
It wasn't.

It was humiliating, OK?
It wasn't fun.

It wasn't--did you know
that mustard stains?

- Surely not forever.
- Did you know that

it stains the skin?
I didn't know that.

I swear to God
I didn't know that.

Katherine, I'm so sorry,
but you aren't the only one

that's suffering here, right?

I am at war internally between
my abject fealty to you, and--

You do this.
This is your fault.

- Oh, no, don't!
- Look at that.

- You look at that right now!
- Ow! Please, stop!

That is me
as a guidance counselor.

Hey, where do you wanna
go to college?

[both moaning]

- Oh, this small in here.
- OK, yeah.

- Over your head?
- Is this--no--

- [honks horn]
- Oh. Is that the horn?

- I think so.
- Oh, my God,

this car is
such a piece of crap.

Such a piece of crap.

- Come on over.
- Yeah.

- [thud]
- Ow. I hit my head.

- That didn't work.
- OK, OK.

- Can you come here?
- OK, how am I supposed to--

- Just come here.
- All right, all right.

[upbeat soul music]

- OK.
- I am gonna come over.

- Yeah, yeah. This is--
- Ooh, I think the lever

is quite--I think the lever
is gonna, yep,

drop like this!

Oh, my God.

[both laugh]

Katherine.
This is Calvin.

You've been beating me up
all day,

so I thought it might
be useful for you

to see this sort
of low level drone

you'd be relying on for
assistance if I weren't here.

But you said Katherine
wanted to congratulate me

- on the Crystali brief?
- Yes.

And I apologize
for bringing you here

under false pretenses
just to humiliate you.

Look, this sort of
credulousness is exactly

the sort of character defect

that I'm trying
to make you aware of.

I mean, Calvin here
is mindless--no offense.

These underlings,
they don't have

the character,
the integrity,

or the experience
that I bring to the table.

What are you getting at?

Well, my voice has value,

and I'm drawing a line
in the sand.

So if you won't accept
my counsel,

I hope you'll accept
my letter of resignation.

- I hope you recognize--
- Oh, great, I accept.

You accept?
What do you mean?

Wait, what is this?

It's just a random piece
of paper out of my binder.

Where's the letter?

Well, there isn't
a letter is there?

It's just supposed
to be a bluff

to make you do what I want,
which is, like, be nice to me.

Calvin, are you willing
to rubber stamp

a ransom payment
to a bunch of hackers?

- Are you telling me I have to?
- Yes.

- OK.
- Well, hang on.

It was just a fake resignation,
so let's not get carried away.

OK. Fine.
You're fired.

There. Poof.

What?
No, don't poof--don't poof me.

This is very serious. Stop.

Calvin, on me.

Let's all--let's all
just, you know, rewind.

[grumbles indistinctly]

What's up with this
little pork pie hat?

It's a fedora.
It's sexy.

He's a little stressed.
He's trying to jog his memory.

You'd be stressed,
too, if you were

- close to losing $70 million.
- $70 million?

- You're that rich?
- I'm so stupid.

Why don't I make it something
simple and obvious,

like do not forget
this pass phrase.

[gasps]
Oh, my God!

Oh, that's it.
That's it.

"Do not forget
this pass phrase."

[buzzer blares]
[bleep]

- You tried that one earlier.
- How many guesses is that?

That's nine, so one left.

You know what?

Forget it.

What are you doing?

I'm choosing not to play.

As long as I don't make
any more wrong guesses,

I still have my money.

But you can't access it?

But I still have it.

I have it right here.

What's the point
of having money,

Wesley, if you can't spend any?

I said I have it right here.

Looking like
an extra from "Goodfellas."

- I told him to get rid of it.
- Don't he look stupid?

So that was, uhh,
that was cool.

Yeah, yeah, it was cool.

It was--I was gonna say
it was cool.

Is that always part
of the vehicle testing?

Ooh, yeah. Yep.

Rain, wind, snow, sex stuff.
That's pretty standard.

- [both laugh]
- Hey.

Hey.

I have some photos
for you to look at.

Oh.

Of the car.

How long has she been there?

Jeez, chin up.

[scoffs]

You're obviously not fired.

Oh.
What about Calvin?

Calvin just put his name
on a payment

to a bunch of terrorists.
The guy is radioactive.

Oh.

Look, if I'm being honest,
I'm shocked

that you stood up to me,
I'm almost impressed.

Oh, well, yeah, I mean,

you know, on my day,
I can be pretty forceful.

Yeah. Don't ever do it again.

No, no, God, no.
I wouldn't dream of it.

- Good.
- Lesson learned.

Oh, hey, Katherine.

What do we got here,
some aluminum?

That's crazy.
I love that.

Yeah.
Great. Great.

Yes!
OK.

You're back in the game,
E-bomb.

[laughs]

I think we'll be having
a stuffed crust tonight,

yeah, and a fizzy drink.

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