Original subtitles

♪♪♪

DIAMOND: Heya! It's your girls' best friend - Diamond!

Now I know there's been a serious lack of sparkle in your

lives without me, but I'm back and guess what time it is?

It's lunch time tour time! That's right! Time for a tour

of my lunch. Today we're trying the sous vide jambon

with a cave aged gruyere, a dijon remoulade, and a side of

pomme frites! Oh lala!

I told you it's ham and cheese. On white.

You know what this needs to take it over the top,

like into a five diamond rating? Avocado!

We don't have avocado.

No avocado? Serious? 'Cause that's just madness.

GINGER: Yeah, that's the madness.

Ooh, fries.

Soph, my Diamond Life is really hurting.

That's weirdly third-person of you. And to be clear,

which part of you hurts?

Not me, Diamond. My channel, Diamond Life.

SOPHIA: Oh, that makes sense. Hey, that might be the first

time I've ever said that to you!

Ever since I came to Star Falls I've been losing subscribers.

I lost ten thousands subs. Now I have less than

ten million.

♪♪♪

Ten million? That's a small country, or a large country,

or a whole colony of ants!

Exactly. And I, their ant Queen Diamond, am failing them.

Okay, well, what do you think the problem is?

Star Falls, obviously.

What? No! Star Falls is awesome. And I will lead you on another

fun and informative tour if you twist my arm.

Are you just going to take me to that bridge

that James Troll built?

Well, it is a troll bridge, isn't it?

♪♪♪

Okay, I see your point. That one may be a little bit misleading.

He did live under it for a while, though. Hard times.

♪♪♪

Go fish.

I don't think we do that in poker.

Poker? Oh, in that case I'm out.

Why? What's wrong?

Poker is a greedy, soulless game developed by the capitalist

overlords. I won't play it.

But I'm playing for charity. I need to learn to play

in two days or I'm going to humiliate myself on

national television.

LOU: Isn't that what you do for a living?

CRAIG: No, I normally humiliate myself in movie theatres.

Ah.

I suppose if it's for charity the karmic balance might

be restored. Fine, I'll help you.

Or maybe you get someone who actually plays poker to help.

BO: Okay, I'll help. But only this once. And let's not call it

helping.

'Cause I happen to know just the person.

No, you don't.

Hey, if you're going to keep casually dropping in every

night before dinner, you're going to teach Craig poker.

Fine.

We can make a night of it. We'll all play.

BO: Duh. I already said I'm in.

PHOENIX: Ooh, can I be the dealer? Keeps my fingers limber

and my soul clean.

Yes, as long as I learn to play. I've got two days to become

a master poker-er?

Lesson one - don't say that.

(SIGHS)

CRAIG: Um, is something wrong, honey?

I'm way behind on my uploads. Star Falls is killing

Diamond Life.

Hey, stop being so negative. I said I'd help. How about after

dinner we watch some of your videos. You know, help me

understand what you're going for.

Wait, are you saying you've never seen my videos?!

Okay, define seen.

Looked at. With your eyes.

Oh, right, right. So...

Uh, Bo, pass the milk?

DIAMOND: So you've never watched my videos?

I mean, I wouldn't say never. In fact, I never say never.

♪♪♪

Never seen that before.

I know, I'm very cutting edge.

"Chew-rades?" Like charades?

Yup, but you have to guess what I'm chewing.

Ooh, that's the one where my mom had to guess the gum that was

in my mouth. And she did. Strawberry Mango explosion.

Shoe swap?

That's self-explanatory.

Is it?

Totes. I just go out for a walk, and if I see someone with

shoes I like, I ask them to swap.

That seems unhygienic.

Yeah, there's a definite foot sweat risk. But I've learned

to accept it for my viewers.

I think I know what the problem is.

No one in Star Falls has good shoes?

No, these videos aren't interesting.

(GASPS)

Hear me out. I just think, maybe you could use your celebrity

for something important.

Hey, people want to know what I'm chewing.

I'm sure they do. But you could use your channel for

a good cause.

I dunno. Sounds boring.

Not boring! Look at your dad - huge star, Craig Brooks,

is playing poker on TV to help raise money for a good cause.

That's true.

SOPHIA: And that girl, in the movie with the river,

and the alien?

Yeah?

You love her, and she's always trying to save the whales!

I'm listening.

SOPHIA: And that guy, with the hair, in that movie

with the punching.

Yeah?

SOPHIA: He's super into recycling.

He is?!

SOPHIA: Totally! He wrote and starred in a Broadway musical,

"Blue Bin Alley."

I loved that show!

♪ Milk cartons and plastic jugs, plastic jugs! ♪

Okay, I'm in!

Yes!

♪ Plastic jugs, plastic jugs. ♪ Okay, I'm never going to get

that out of my head.

DIAMOND: ♪ Milk cartons and plastic jugs, plastic jugs! ♪

(LAUGHS)

♪♪♪

SOPHIA: Sometimes parents need a little help.

So we're helping ours get together.

My mom, my best friend.

Her dad, huge movie star.

And things might get a little crazy. Okay, a lot crazy.

But that's just life in Star Falls.

♪♪♪

DIAMOND: Heya, it's your girls' best friend, Diamond. Meet Lucy.

She's a lizard-type thing with a weird smell, and...

Wait! Why is she staring at me? Get it off! Get it off!

Okay, okay.

Lucy is perfectly harmless, and she's in need of a home.

I see why. She won't stop hissing. Who wants to live

with a hisser?

That's just a lizard thing. Now relax. You're doing fine.

NATE: Is she? Is she really?

Don't you have anything cuter, fuzzier or at least less scaly?

Ooh, we've got a super rare earthworm I've been

trying to get adopted forever.

Eww, Nate, no!

What? You don't have to let it sleep in your bed.

Although she is a cuddler.

I'm not sure about all this, Soph.

What do you mean? We're educating and raising

awareness. Nate, get the worm.

Nate, do not get the worm. It's just this really doesn't

feel like Diamond Life.

But you have almost ten million followers. That's enough people

to change the world! Ten million followers

who will listen to you.

People do listen to me.

People who want to know what you think.

People do want to know what I think.

People who will follow you.

People do follow me!

Yeah, they do!

All right, fine. I'll save the world!

Let's not go crazy.

Can we put lipstick on the lizard?

And we just went crazy.

♪♪♪

So is that what you're supposed to wear for poker?

I don't know. I watched a poker show on TV before I came over.

A lot of them were doing this.

Nice.

LOU: All right, let's get shuffling.

♪♪♪

Any day now.

PHOENIX: Bo, the art of shuffling takes time

and precision. You must combine the cards, fuse them,

and un-fuse them.

Just shuffle.

♪♪♪

PHOENIX: Yeah, turns out I don't know how to shuffle.

But I do know card tricks.

Is this the card you're thinking of?

Someone went to magic camp.

And someone's still jealous.

All right, let's get down to it.

Yes. Please, I have a lot of questions.

Ah-ah! Less talk, more listen. Reds are five, yellows are ten,

black liquorice is twenty-five.

Who wants my twenty-fives?

Over here.

Ah-ah-ah! Stop. Those are your betting beans!

Worry about your own beans, pops.

♪♪♪

Read 'em and weep.

Good job! Okay, so how did Bo win that hand?

Just beginner's luck.

No, I meant how exactly did his cards beat...

Like I said, beginner's luck.

PHOENIX: Pick a card, any card.

Would you please! And stop eating your betting beans!

Don't worry. I've got lots to spare.

Lots more than you.

♪♪♪

What's up?

♪♪♪

I was just taking a nap with my giant earthworm.

First, eww. And I'm sorry, but I called you 'cause I've never

had this happen. You think life is great and then boom!

Everything is taken away from you.

So you lost more subscribers?

Ever since that really important iguana video

went up my subscribers dropped by... by...

Looks like fifty thousand.

Don't say it! When you say it out loud it's true!

So what do you want me to do?

I called you because I can't talk to Sophia.

Really? 'Cause I've seen you...

I need to go back to regular, delightful, so carefree they're

cool Diamond Life videos. Like Put a Wig On It.

I know I shouldn't ask, but what exactly do you put wigs on?

Babies, coffee makers, fire hydrants, pretty much anything.

Asking, bad idea. Anyway, just tell Sophia how you feel.

But I'm a teensy bit afraid she might get a teensy bit angry.

I've known Sophia my whole entire life. Just be honest.

She'll understand.

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

(GROANS) But she keeps texting me new and "exciting"

animal causes.

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

Here's another one.

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

And another one.

Yeah, I get what the dinging means.

(GROANS)

You can't avoid the problem. Just tell her.

Make it quick, like pulling off a bandage.

You pull them off fast? That sounds awful.

Why, what do you do?

I don't know. I've never had a cut.

Ever?

Ever.

How is that possible?

So do you put the bandage on quickly, too?

I... Just tell Sophia. Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go finish my worm nap.

♪♪♪

CRAIG: I guess I'm in.

BO: Duh.

LOU: All right, I call. Now what do you got?

I win!

LOU: Bah! I don't understand.

CRAIG: Me neither. Do two of a kind beat three?

Let's do another hand.

Nah, I think we've had enough friendly competition

for one night.

Ooh, should we switch to magic? I'll get my top hat and wand.

But I don't understand.

It's customary for magicians to have a top hat.

No, not that. Bo, how did you win?

LOU: Yes, how did you win?

BO: Sorry, past my bedtime, old man.

Ah-ah! I need to know how this kid is winning!

Dad, don't be a sore loser.

BO: Hey, Lou, got a sack I can put these in?

Maybe one with a dollar sign on it? And the dollar sign's made

of jelly beans.

Rematch! Tomorrow!

Sure, whatever. Good night.

No, no, no. I haven't learned anything. Lou, stay!

You can help me. Maybe we can go through the winning

combinations, because I'm totally in the dark!

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

DIAMOND: Sophia?

SOPHIA: Over here.

Why did you text me to bring all these pillows?

Are we building a pillow fort?

This isn't a fort. It's a sanctuary for the great

Sleepy Owl of Star Falls.

Here we go.

The Sleepy Owl has recently become endangered from

falling asleep mid-flight and, well, you know. Splat.

(GROANS)

Yeah, it's dangerous for everyone. A sleepy owl bomb

sounds funny until it's coming straight at you.

NATE: Very portly birds.

So, that's why the Sleepy Owl is our next cause on Diamond Life.

Yeah, about that...

Oh! Hold that thought.

You need to tell her.

No kidding. I'm going to. Like a bandage, Which is quick, right?

Yes. Quick.

Ta-da!

Wow. Okay, you are a bird.

I'm the Sleepy Owl! I thought it would be a great way to help

raise awareness.

Raise awareness of your sanity leaving the building?

Well, I've got to head back to the hardware store and pick

up a couple things. Screws, joints, screw joints.

You two talk.

Check out the habitat! It's got a hand-woven nest and

landing pillows to break their fall!

Yeah, I got all that. It's just...

Can you believe it only took us twelve hours to build?

You've been out here for twelve hours?

(LAUGHS) The owls may sleep, but I don't have to!

The thing is...

I'm going to go back to normal Diamond Life videos

'cause these causes aren't working for me,

or my viewers, or my numbers, or me.

We good?

So, did I rip that off too quick, or not quick enough?

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

DIAMOND: Soph, are you mad?

No.

DIAMOND: You sure? I can't really tell when you

have a beak on.

This is so important. Please, do a video about the Sleepy Owl.

I know we can make a difference.

DIAMOND: I'm sorry, that's just not what Diamond's Life is.

Soph, your causes are your causes, and my channel

is my channel.

SOPHIA: I know it's your channel. But you have

ten million followers who could help make real change!

DIAMOND: I don't have ten million followers anymore!

Thanks to you!

♪♪♪

Um, why is my daughter a bird? And why is my bird daughter

in a cage? And why is there a giant cage in my yard?

♪♪♪

Actually, I'm going to assume I don't want to know.

I've got seven pounds of jelly beans to sort. Later.

♪♪♪

BO: I win.

LOU: Really? I can't believe it.

Yeah, me neither. I think I actually know less about poker

than when we started.

But you know more about magic!

CRAIG: You know, I actually don't.

Didn't think I'd ever say this, but I'm bored of winning.

And I think we're out of jelly beans.

Deal!

♪♪♪

BO: I'm in. All in.

Fold.

I'd ask what I should do, but...

I'm in.

I'll just fold.

I win.

Hey, hey, hey. Hold your horses there, kid. What do you got?

♪♪♪

But that's impossible! How are you doing it?

LOU: Tell me and I'll give you anything! I'll give you my car!

I'll give you my house! I'll give you my first born!

Hey!

Just tell me!

Fine. Only half of poker is about the cards.

The other half is spotting tells.

Wait. What's a tell?

Something you do that shows what kind of cards you have.

Like the way Baxter crosses his paws? Sure sign he's gotta

do his business.

Business means poop.

LOU: I don't have a tell.

Everyone has a tell. Beth, it's all in your eyes.

♪♪♪

Lou, you rub your chin when you're bluffing.

And Dad, well, you just have no idea what you're doing.

♪♪♪

CRAIG: That's what I've been saying! I've got to play

in a tournament in less than twenty-four hours,

and all I've learned is Lou is a sore loser,

you're freakishly perceptive. And I've eaten way too many

jelly beans!

Look, Craig. I'm sorry.

CRAIG: Sorry doesn't help! I'm supposed to be raising money

for orphans! Orphans who will laugh at me when they see

how badly I lose! Only they won't laugh because they don't

know the joy of laughter because they're orphans.

All right. I'm sorry. I got too involved in this game.

I blame the kid.

I'm used to it.

But it's not too late. I'll stay up and I'll teach you everything

you need to know.

BO: And I'll show you how to spot tells.

This is so beautiful. Everyone coming together to help

Father. I'm truly moved.

Could you maybe truly move yourself to ordering some pizza?

BETH: Good idea. I can't look at another jelly bean.

♪♪♪

Hey, everybody! It's me. So, so, so sorry for the weirdness

lately. No more Diamond gone wildlife, promise.

It's back to totes awesome Diamond Life.

Wait, who is photobombing my live stream?

Did you know that the Sleepy Owl is the most endangered species

in Star Falls? Knowledge is power!

Okay, have you lost it?

Diamond, please help me. We can do so much good together.

Hey, this is Diamond Life, not Sophia's Cry For Help!

If you won't do it, I'll do it for you!

You wouldn't.

I'm going to go everywhere you go so every video you make

will also have guess who? Me! Also the "who" is funny because

owls say "hoo."

You'll have to catch me first, crazy bird!

Crazy owl!

♪♪♪

Fun fact - Diamond is faster than an owl. Fizzy water break!

Maybe that's because the Sleepy Owl is narcoleptic.

That means they fall asleep all the time. Knowledge!

♪♪♪

Okay, I think I lost her.

Wrong. Because maple trees are the Sleepy Owl's preferred home.

Owl fact!

DIAMOND: (GROANS)

♪♪♪

Diamond?

Nate, Nate, it's me.

Yeah, I know. I can see you. What's going on?

Why are you whispering?

You were wrong. So, so wrong about Sophia.

She's been ruining my videos all day. She's gone cuckoo!

I think you mean owl-owl!

(SCREAMS)

That's it! Does that costume have padding?

Yeah, why?

Then you won't mind when I do this!

SOPHIA: Diamond, what are you doing?!

DIAMOND: Take that costume off!

DIAMOND: That costume is ridiculous!

But the owl is going extinct!

(STRUGGLING)

All right. Diamond, sit. Bird, perch.

NATE: Each of you will have a turn to speak.

Bird, you're first.

Diamond is wasting her bazillion followers! She could be making

the world a better place instead of chewing things, putting wigs

on babies or stealing shoes.

Thank you. Diamond, all you.

DIAMOND: Look, Soph. I know those things are important.

But making people happy is also important. And that's what

Diamond Life is all about. So in my own kinda awesome way,

aren't I making the world a better place, too?

Yeah, I guess you have a point.

And you being a creeper owl is not making people happy.

Also a good point.

NATE: Actually, those last few live posts you did are huge.

Really?

NATE: Yeah. "Owl bomb" is trending.

No way!

SOPHIA: "Because maple trees are the owl's preferred home."

You know, maybe there's something we could

do about this.

♪♪♪

Gross, Dad. How are you eating those?

Because I didn't make myself sick on them earlier.

Because you didn't win any?

Don't remind me.

BETH: Hey, how'd the poker tournament go?

So good! Father was like a late summer flower blossoming

just when you think there's no chance it will survive.

♪♪♪

But, you know, a poker flower.

He cleaned up.

Ten thousand dollars for my charity!

Wow! Congrats! I told you my Dad was the best teacher.

Guess those orphans can't laugh at you now, huh?

Nope. Plus there aren't any orphans. I might've made that

part up to make you feel bad and take pity on me.

Huh. You're not such a bad actor after all.

Ooh! Jelly beans!

♪♪♪

Sophia, this is perfect. You're going to have your own channel

to help promote your causes, like the rescue.

What if my channel doesn't get any subscribers?

That's why I'm going to be your first guest.

Rolling.

Heya, it's your girls' best friend, Diamond.

And I'm here with my friend, Sophia, for a fun new game

of "Put a Wig On It." Say hello to Chaos. Don't be fooled

by the name. She's a real sweetheart.

Moving right along, check out Chiquita. She's feeling a little

blue. But maybe you can help!

That's right. All these cuties are up for adoption at

Happy Tails Rescue. Follow my channel, "Sophia's Sanctuary,"

for more important info about things like me, the Sleepy Owl.

Hoot-hoot!

And cut. That's was perfect. Wigs. Always funny.

See, that was fun!

You know what? It was! Sorry I got a little nuts with

the whole owl stalking thing.

Eh, your heart was totes in the right place. I get it.

I just wish I didn't have to wear this owl costume.

NATE: Um, guess what? You already have nine hundred

subscribers. In ten seconds.

Wha-?! I will totally wear this owl costume! Hoot-hoot!

Hoot-hoot! Hoot-hoot!

(LAUGHS)