Original subtitles

Walk this way to see the finest freaks in the world today.

**

Step right up, everybody! Step right up!

Find the pea under the coconut shells and win a prize!

It could be a bible!

Or a new husk of corn!

Step right up!

No! No! No gambling!

Not here.

This is Willard's Mill.

We are a God-fearing town.

Constable, sir, I assure you that there's

no money changing hands.

This is a game of skill, not of chance.

Watch closely.

Follow my hand and show me where...the pea...

is hidden. You might just win a prize.

[Scoffs]

You've aroused my curiosity, gypsy swindler.

That one.

This one? Yes.

Certain? Yes, of course.

It's right there.

Oh! [Laughs]

Bless the holy spirit! [Sighs]

I was correct!

I believe that husk of corn is mine.

Yes.

Oh, this is quite the husk. I like this game.

Well, perhaps, we should make it more interesting?

Impossible!

[Both laugh]

I will hide the pea again,

should you find it...

you may take... all of my wares.

But, should you fail, you must take...

your own life.

[Both laugh]

A dark jest!

Okay, one more time.

**

[Chuckles]

**

Uh, that's, uh --

pardon my language, sir --

applesauce!

I believe you owe me your life, Constable.

Now you can use your own gun or one of these fine daggers.

**

[Groaning]

A bet's a bet, Constable.

**

Indeed, sir, a bet's a bet.

A bet's a bet.

[Gunshot]

**

**

**

[Squelch]

Oh, cripes.

It's like pudding.

Denise! I think the tub is leaking.

Denise: That's weird. So is my waterbed.

Your what?

You don't have a waterbed.

Oh, I do now!

I emptied my bean bag chair,

then I took the hose, and I --

[Doorbell rings]

Sweetheart, go ahead and get the door.

Step outside, I'll lock it, and then everything will be great.

[Door opens] Denise: Hi.

Huh?

Oh, great. It's the other one. What do you want?

Oh, it's nice to see you, too.

It's girls' night. Denise and I are watching

the season finale of "The Fiancé."

That's how you damn-sure know marriage is sacred.

They give it away as a prize on a game show.

Okay, it is about single women

trying to find that special someone.

Oh. They should call it the "Evie Barret Story."

[Laughs] That's so cute.

You know, they could name it after you,

but there's already a show called "Jackass."

[Chuckles] Up top. Not -- Not now.

I'm serious, Evie. Instead of watching all those whores

going out and trying to get themselves a husband,

you could slap on a little lipstick

and go get one yourself.

Oh, yeah? Then what?

Then, well, then you'd have to

go through all that bullshit.

So, yeah. Pretty much got me there.

It is all pointless, isn't it?

I'm going to a bar.

**

Man: Who will "The Fiancé" send home?

Oh, Jesus.

Will it be Jennifer M., who teaches CPR to the blind,

or Jennifer S., the amputee with the voice of an angel?

Might I... propose a toast, friend?

Glory hole's in the bathroom there, Liberace.

Glory what now?

Nothing. Nothing.

Okay. Go ahead.

I thank you.

I propose a wager that you...

cannot... remove that dollar

without touching the bottle

or knocking it over.

Yay. More beer. Two.

I'll bet you you can't drink that in silence.

* And I won't walk away *

[Cheers and applause]

Ugh. I knew Jennifer T. wasn't gonna make it.

I get really strong lesbian vibes from her.

Mm. I get the same vibes

from the woman at the bank who's a lesbian.

God, why does this show have to end?

[Bell dings] Hot popcorn!

Oh, I'll tell you what happens.

Two beautiful Jennifers stand before me!

**

But there's only one Evie.

Yes.

And I don't want anyone to stand in her way.

No.

Not Jennifer M., not Jennifer S.,

and especially not...Denise.

No.

Not Denise.

Hmm? Hmm?

Ahh!

One beer.

Drunk in silence. I win!

[Chuckles]

Bet you can't hold your breath till your heart stops.

I'll wager you that the next patron will order

a whiskey and water and one of those eggs.

No one's gonna order those eggs.

They're stored in that comb juice from the barbershop.

Barkeep? I'll have a whiskey and water and one of those eggs.

[Laughs]

All right, laugh all you want,

but in about four minutes, your ass is gonna open up

like that elevator in "The Shining."

**

You'd think someone would've died

in a helicopter crash by now.

They take helicopters everywhere.

You really want to win this, don't you?

Huh?

Why are you wearing makeup?

I'm not wearing makeup.

I was wearing makeup, but now it's gone.

Did you take it off my face?

Get me some makeup!

Okay. I think my mom used to have some upstairs.

[Laughs] Yeah, that's just what I need.

A dead woman's makeup.

Okay, I think I have some, too.

Get me some! Okay.

I need a living woman's makeup!

Mommy needs makeup!

[Sighs]

I'm gonna be so pretty.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Ohh!

You, uh -- You aren't human, are you?

[Laughs]

What gave it away?

So, what, are you, a scary ghost, you a demon?

What are you?

More or less.

Oh, stop, stop, stop. For the love of God.

I'll throw up. Enough. But --

Let me -- Let me go ahead and ask you a question

since we're being all friendly-like.

Are you, uh -- Are you at all familiar

with a guy named Gerard Duquette?

No. Fair enough.

How about Thaddeus Eccles?

He was the old constable who burned all the witches in --

**

Yes. I know him. Very well.

Terrific.

Because Thaddeus Eccles' daughter told me

that I got to find this guy, Gerard Duquette.

In fact, she buried this note

and these eyeballs for me in a jar.

[Whistles] Hey, Butch?

Yes?

All right.

Let me guess.

You're a witch who was burned in 1692,

and you've come back here to kill me.

More or less.

Great. That's what you're doing.

I -- I got to figure out how to use these eyeballs

to travel back a year to save my wife's life,

and the only way I'm gonna be able to do that

is if I find this guy, Gerard Duquette.

I'm sorry, I can't help you,

because the fact is I'm not a witch.

I was a fortune teller.

I was a con man.

My witches brew is just two ingredients,

showmanship and...

pizzazz!

Want me to go check the jukebox

and see if there's any Judy Garland on there for you?

[Sighs] I want to make this fair.

I want to make this fun!

So, before I kill you, I'm going to give you a head start.

So...go.

Go? Leave.

Go.

**

Showmanship.

And now...

pizzazz.

Oh, this is great.

'Cause nothing bad ever happens deep out in the woods, huh?

And who would know better than you?

Oh, there you are.

And there you go.

Why?

Why are you doing this?

Oh, come on, Stanley.

You're going to die because you're a sheriff.

And this is the reason why you became sheriff.

Now let me ask you something.

What were doing in the woods all by yourself?

**

I was on my way to the lake.

And I saw this guy on the ground.

[Man groaning]

I guess he was fishing, and he had a heart attack or something,

so I went over to him.

**

I had never seen somebody so terrified.

I told him, "I'll go and get you some help,"

but before I could run off, he grabbed my leg,

and he was one of those guys who had the iron grip.

All the while, he's pulling on my leg,

and I'm thinking, "This guy's dying.

And he's damn-sure trying to take me with him."

And that's when I got mad.

And I just started to kick the living shit

out of this dying guy.

He still didn't let go.

Until finally.

And then his eyes kind of bugged out.

And then it was over.

And I remember, it was right then and there

I decided I wanted to be a cop.

Why didn't you decide to become a doctor?

[Chuckling] Why the hell would somebody want to be a doctor?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I enjoyed kicking the shit outta that guy.

I love guns, and I love telling people what to do.

Hell, it was a match made in heaven.

Still.

You must have been... terrified.

Eh, I guess you don't go around kicking people in the head

if you're in a great mood.

Although, that's not entirely true, either.

Now my most terrifying moment

was when your predecessor,

Constable Eccles, had me burned alive at the stake.

Man: No!!

That wasn't me. You know that, right? Well, yes, I know that.

Or Evie. Yes.

Sometimes you gotta just let that shit go there, Jazz Hands.

Listen. The fact that the both of you

are still alive is quite vexing.

You know what he did?

As my body burned,

he just... stood there

and watched.

**

Hey!

Hey! No!

No! Hey!

No! Hey! No!

No! No!

Can you imagine how awful that felt?

To die horribly while someone

just stood there and watched?

No! No! No!

[Laughs]

We are nearing our final decision, Evie.

Are you ready?

Yes.

I have a gift for you, Evie.

[Gasps]

It's beside you on the couch.

Will you accept it?

I will! I will accept it!

Open it.

**

Ooh!

For me?

It's beautiful!

Yes, Evie.

Just for you.

You won't regret this.

[Laughs]

Man: I have to admit, Evie,

that there's something that's been bothering me.

Well, what is it?

You can tell me anything.

I truly feel connected to you.

Well, I... probably shouldn't say this,

but Denise told me

she doesn't think you're here for the right reasons.

[Indistinct voices] She what?

[Whistling]

It's okay. It's all good.

No, I got it. I got it. I'm good here.

You know, I have an idea for a sparkling wager.

Christ. I'll crawl right back in the goddamn hole.

I'll wager you that if we go to your house right now,

someone you love will have been murdered,

by someone else that you love.

And then you -- that you'll be so enraged,

that you'll murder them.

What if you lose?

[Laughs] Oh, I'm not going to lose.

Oh, look.

The death card.

Just for you.

**

When there's a crazy person in your house,

you call the cops.

But the crazy person in my house is the cops.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That sounds like a -- a rap song.

[Beatboxing poorly]

[Rapping] * There's a crazy person in my house, yeah, yeah, yeah *

["Shave and a Haircut" knock on door]

**

Hi! One-man panty raid!

Sure is. [Laughs]

What?

Oh, I was just -- I was watching at home alone.

I was wondering if I could crash your girls' night?

Actually, I don't think you want to.

Jennifer M. arrived dressed as a banana.

Somebody came to win. [Chuckles]

Oh, somebody came to win, all right.

Kinky.

I thought girls' night

would be more of a pillow-fight situation.

You know, a little bird told me

you've been trying to sabotage my fairy-tale ending.

Evie, I don't know what you're talking about.

We're friends.

I didn't come here to make friends!

Mother-fudge!

**

[Screams high-pitched]

**

Does that even work?!

No. Now what?!

I don't know. I don't even know what's wrong with her!

Denise?

Open up

I've forgiven you!

No!

I want...

to be...

your friend!

[Screams]

Denise?

**

Hello?

**

Where are you hiding, buddy?

**

Denise?

Open up for your best friend...

...Death!

**

Ohhhh!

Dad! I can't talk!

Evie has gone insane!

Oh, my God. It's The Fiance!

I love your show.

No spoilers! Haven't seen the end yet!

Why is everyone still alive?

Sweetheart?

Oh!

Thank you so much for my engagement knife!

Oh, yes.

I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together.

Yes, me, too...but [whispering] there's still that other woman.

[Hisses]

Now, now, now, wait a minute.

You lost the bet.

You said when we got back here someone would be dead.

Ya lost.

All right, fine.

You won.

But it was still a good plan.

Evie would kill Denise, then you would kill Evie,

and then, in your grief, you'd take your own life.

I could have just killed you, but no!

I had to do something clever.

Something special. And what did it get me?

You know where you went wrong?

Women. They take too long to do everything.

Hell, they take an hour to be back in five minutes.

Yeah, well, pobody's nerfect. [Chuckles]

Well, hey, I won.

[Chuckling] What do I get?

You get to die the old-fashioned way!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I got one more wager for ya.

**

I'm listening.

I think you're really gonna like it.

So, what are you proposing?

Okay.

Heads, I kill Evie, you kill me.

Tails, Evie kills me, you kill Evie

and, uh, and Leon if you want to.

Hey!

But, if it doesn't come down heads or tails, we all go free,

and you gotta take your own life.

What do ya say?

[Laughs]

[Both laughing]

You're swinging for the fences!

I love it! [Laughs]

[Sniffs] What's that smell?

Well, it's me saying, "Yes!"

[Laughs]

3...2...1.

**

[Laughs]

No!!

[Crunching]

You...tricked me!

A bet's a bet, baby.

No! No! No!

You're just gonna stand there and watch?!

Actually, I'm gonna go catch the end of "Sports Center."

All the best.

[Wheezing]

Pizzazz!

[Coughing]

Well, this girl night was a bust.

Same time next week?

...which is why Jennifer L. -- What the fu--

You're probably wondering what happened.

Yeah.

Or...we could make fried chicken.