Original subtitles

Zakir - Is it fine? Check check check

Crew 2 - Tanmay can make the announcement

Tanmay - Alright ladies and gentlemen

We are good to go

Are you guys excited?

Are you guys excited?

Give it up for the very funny, the one, the only

Zakir Khan.

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This was enough.

You did according to your capacity.

Recently a problem came up at home.

I am sharing it.

It is personal.

We all need to talk about this.

This is very serious.

Papa is on Facebook now.

Did you feel bad?

I mean

I tried to avoid it.

I tried to stop it.

I tried my best that this doesn't happen.

He used to ask me to open a Facebook account

So, I asked him

Do you have a passport?

He said that it got expired.

Then, I told him you cannot open one.

But now papa is on Facebook

He has added all my friends.

All those scoundrels are getting married.

They are celebrating at their reception and no food is

cooked at home.

What is this trend of wedding photoshoot all about?

I have all boys' school friends.

They never had the skills of doing love marriage.

So, they are doing arranged marriage.

Even then they are getting a photo shoot done.

It has been only three days you got engaged.

And only two weeks that you have started speaking with her.

I don't understand

The photographers have guts

They are trying to capture candid moments..

..of couple who are getting arranged marriage.

Because this kind of setting can only have awkward moments..

..forget candid moments.

And on top of that these people have changed all wedding customs.

I went to a friend's marriage.

Everything was different.

So, he asked whether we were performing a dance for the Sangeet?

I said Sangeet ? All aunties dance a little bit 'Bano teri...'

And that's it.

He asked me don't you know?

where were you for all these days?

I said I was out for 3-4 years.

He told that everything has changed.

I asked have they changed the syllabus?

He said completely.

It is fine till the friends perform.

Why do bride and groom have to perform?

And don't let the bride and groom dance together.

As it will look embarrassing.

Because 95% boys don't know how to dance.

And the rest 5 % are bastards.

They would dance like

Tere bin ??

Jiya naiyo lagda ??

Mein taan marjawan ??

There itself.

beside him the bride is standing

And she is giving a killer performance

She goes

Le ja le ja

Groom's parents are trying to hide themselves.

He is not our boy.

Amongst all my friends the biggest bastards are the boys' school guys.

Even today their problems have not resolved.

If you go

Anyone who has studied in a boys' school?

Look this is the calling of loneliness.

My boy's school friends

who are settled in US & Canada

they text me late at 3:00AM in the night,

which I receive in the afternoon very serious issues,

If your friend messages you late in the night, it means

he's in deep thoughts, thinking.

And by that serious talks,

The conversation ends in three lines

He texts, "Hi, how are you?"

I write back, "I'm fine"

next question

"Did you find 'THE ONE'?

The problem in our school was that till 5th grade the campus was different.

Morality was completely different.

In 5th we became big brothers.

We were shown a lot of respect

Teacher's used to talk

Mr. Khan you are 10 years old, you should behave responsibly now.

Absolutely sir.

Mummy please give me my bag I have to go to the office.

Yes

Once he even said that you are almost an adult.

Our rules were completely different

Once a 4th grader called someone a dog.

I scolded him. I said hey! Do not abuse.

After 6th grade we all came to a different campus.

It was a different world all together.

Imagine one of your NRI cousins

Ones who drinks Bisleri water

Oh my God India is so hot.

Imagine him. Pick him and put him in The Gangs of Wassaeypur

The way he will be shit scared

Guys, we really didn't know what was happening around

I can't tell you what's happening here.

Men studying in 12th grade are roaming here.

They have these moustaches like Danny

And their testosterones have no parity.

They don't know what to do with them..

..they are banging their head against walls.

And abuses are flying left, right, centre...

Like you have landed in pochinki in PUBG.

From everywhere

Left right center

One of the 12th boys is standing on one end of the school,

his friend Batra is standing on the other end of the school,

in the middle Vice Principal and two sports teachers are standing.

That guy is calling Batra from the other end Hey Batra, you sister f**ker

Batra also replies yes f**ker I'm coming

We thought they might get really punished for this.

Everyone just overlooked it.

Vice Principal and teachers went

we didn't hear anything

No not all

Our school kids

No. No

What are you talking about?

Every class has a boy.

And his crime is really petty

But he is punished as if he was roaming

Because of you

You fish rotten fish

The whole class feels for him.

That he did not do such a bad thing

For which he is being punished.

That's me.

I mean, when I was in 6-7th grade I knew 11th and 12th boys.

Because During their board exams they used to be outside the class

and I always used to stand outside the class

I used to say hi Devashish how are you?

They used to say. Do you always stand outside?

And in boys' school nobody used to complain about anyone.

Nobody tells anything.

One day we bent the fan out of shape

Why did we do it, we don't know.

I swear I don't know why we did it

I too want to know

Personally, I want to go back with time machine

And know what were we doing?

Why were we doing?

Anything used to happen in the school

The school had a round building.

Inside there were all classes.

And from top floor, 9th A one could hear

Dhoom dhoom Chak

Then the sound started coming from the top 2 floors.

Dhoom Dhoom Chak

Within 7 seconds the whole school new which is the next line

Everyone together

Poor teachers are writing on the board

We will

Teachers were startled

what happened

I don't know what mass mentality

That too such coordinated mass mentality

Nobody used to prompt

Nothing

Turned the fans out of shape

So now listen to the answer

Next day the Vice principal came and asked

What is all this?

Why did you do it?

Now listen to the answer

He says sir when we went they were straight

When we came back they were bent

They would have turned because of the wind

And this is the class monitor

So, forget about the backbenchers and the scoundrels

Anything random used to happen

Once upon a time, when I was in 7th standard

I kept my Math workbook ready

For once, my Math workbook was complete

I got it checked.

The rarest moment of my life

I got it checked and everything's set.

So I'm talking to my friend Anuj Chowdiah

Anuj is the topper of the class

He said, Tomorrow I'm attending a wedding.

I won't be able to settle my bad

I asked him, what does that mean?

He exclaimed, you don't know?

I asked, what exactly is it?

He explained, I basically arrange the books in my school backpack

as per classwork, schedule and requirement.

I said, "what are you talking about?

You tell me, right?

He said, yes we can do this!

Till now, like a fool, I have been lugging my school backpack around.

If I hadn't spoken to Anuj at that moment,

I would've suffered a spinal injury so far.

And that moment I spoke like a real diva

"I'll clean everything"

So I opened my school backpack,

as I inserted my hands in 4 bats came flying out.

All the junk came out pouring.

A book from my 3rd standard

My 1st standard cursive writing guide

Then the one complete and checked math workbook

I threw it away, saying I'm done with this.

Next day, I reached school like a prince

I felt like a floating feather

I was elated.

My school backpack was that light. Bouncing around like... ??

The math teacher entered angrily in the classroom

And announced, "Everyone get your math workbook ready"

And all the incomplete workbooks will be signed with a teacher's remark.

Whosoever's math workbook is incomplete

And mine's all checked

And the teacher moved around the class checking everyone's workbook

And during the check-up there were complete and incomplete workbooks.

And the teacher stands next to me and demands me to open the workbook.

I said "I don't have it"

But it's all checked.

Completely checked

She demanded, "copy"

I said, "I left it at home"

Teacher said. "okay, okay, okay..."

So give me your school diary.

I asked, "What?"

What are you saying?

No, no, no, no...

I saw determination in her eyes

I saw a decision in her eyes

that I'll sign a remark in his school diary.

So that an example is set in front of the entire classroom.

That you don't leave your math workbook home

Now I have two remarks and if I get another one,

My father will be summoned to the school.

And I'm not scared of my father.

And I'm not scared of my father.

I don't have a problem with them calling my father

My problem is,

I have to go back home. With the same man my father.

Which I think is not safe.

And my father is the innocent type of music teacher.

Cow, he's the God's cow

But for me he's Bruce Lee

I'm requesting the teacher to not give me a remark

But this is a boy's school

So everyone's judging me now.

You're not a man!

What what?

Most of the time you don't feel like taking a stand.

But the public in general is fucked up.

So that moment I decided that I'll handover the school diary

But the school teacher thought

I wouldn't hand over the school diary to her that easily.

And I'll have to steal it from him

And she pulled it off my hand

And my grip wasn't that tight

Three somersaults.

Teacher's look good spanking kids.

They don't look good lying face down on the floor.

Entire class started giggling

But, she fell and I went to pick her up

Ma'am, ma'am...

Ma'am, I told you not to write a remark

And, this isn't my fault

I didn't do this on purpose it happened by mistake.

And that time, the sports teacher entered.

And I don't understand

Sports teacher's they are good at sports which are not played at school.

In the sense, the school has a basketball court

and the sports teacher is a tennis champion.

So! You can't even verify his authenticity as a teacher

And the sports fraternity think

all the beautiful women in this school are their property.

So they roam around school with that attitude.

Who is the coolest guy around?

It is me!

Who setup this city, me!

How do they breathe, because of me!

The sports teacher entered casually

He saw the math teacher lying on the floor

I'll pick her up

And their English is broken.

Madam what happens? What happens?

No, no! Tell me what happens?

What will the math teacher say to this? ??

No, nothing happened

But I witnessed the incidence

So he understood, it's me.

If I were to be some other student

He would have slapped him and asked him to be seated on his bench

But it was me.

He suggested an exemplary punishment

He wanted to set an example

He thought, no, no, no

You won't get slapped

This student, will be standing the middle of the school foyer.

Like you can mark me as the centre And draw a circle around it.

With his hands raised up

This kind of punishment in the history of this school was never given to anyone

If I were anyone else, he would've slit his wrists

But this would've happened if it were an co-ed school.

But this is a boy's school.

This is exactly how it happens in a tribe

If you're powerful they worship you

Nobody got punished this way before.

So, mister. I'm receiving offerings.

Like I'm standing with my hands raised

And I see an object flying towards me

And it fell here

5 star

From here, An éclair

And after 5 minutes there's a pile of chocolates around me.

During the recess I made my way out.

And students are making a way for me

Like "Bahubali! Bahubali!"

And I didn't understand anything why am I being so respected?

My crimes worth was of that of a pick pocket

But I am being respected like (a revolutionary Bhagat Singh)

And the 11th, 12th standards boys are asking me

Sir! What have you done?

Sir! Sir! Sir!

They were addressing me as sir! What have you done?

My crime(for the punishment) that I said. I cannot disclose it

And they went crazy.

Haw! He can't even disclose it!

Boy's school is boy's school.

When you're from Boy's school, the first thing you learn about is 'Manhood'

There are those who learn machoism in 12-13 years..

..in boys' school guys learn it in 4 years.

Machoism's basic rule is men have to be brave.

One fine day someone will ask

are you a man?

Yes

That's it from tomorrow you become brave.

What will that mean?

You will not get shit scared.

It's a great thing.

Next day I get out of home.

I see four dogs. And I am scared.

I went back and I said I am still scared.

He said this is called machoism.

You will get scared but do not tell anyone.

While playing cricket

balls are hitting your balls

And the boys go

Hunh hunh

They are sweating

Sweating

But they wouldn't say

That its paining please someone else come

The medical assistance come and ask did you get hurt

So, he goes where?

Didn't the bat hit the ball?

I thought it got connected

If there is fun, there is a lot of pressure cause of pretentious machoism.

A big turn came in my life.

When I passed 10th grade

Papa told that you have a very bad handwriting

You must become a doctor

When he read my writing

He said son no one will be able to read your prescription

No one will be able to buy even a paracetamol looking at this

You would become a great doctor

You have the skill, only thing you need is a degree

He said since you have to prepare for PMT

Join some coaching

he said you have to change the school

we need school with less timings

so, I was admitted in a co-ed school

This is a normal school

There is no problem with the school.

But a person's history matters a lot

Where has that person come from makes a big part of who that person is?

So, I came and I had come from a boys' school.

As I entered I could feel a sweet fragrance

Look I know the smell of the sweat that runs down those mustaches.

This one was new

Fragrance of flowers

That was the first time I understood

That girls have fragrance in them

And when you come from a boys' school you know exactly that

this is something different

Early morning 7.30 school

I reached school at 7.15

It's new, nervous boy

I quietly kept the bag

Saw 10-12 people in the class

2 boys are arguing at the back of the class

2 boys are arguing

I was minding my own business

One guy kept hand on other's shoulder and said it is okay man

This guy in rage dashed his hand

And the other boy hand got hit against the table

In anger he blurted out are you a bastard?

As he said this, the other people in the class exclaimed

Hunh

I swear

So, this guy, who said it, realised and uttered

Oh shit

Seeing all this I burst out with

Hunnnhhh

Seeing this I hid under a bench

I was like what place is this, friends?

What kind of a world is this?

After 2 minutes I saw folded cloth in boys' hands

I asked what is this?

They said it is a handkerchief.

I asked why have you folded it and kept it

They said to wipe something

I said okay okay

They asked don't your parents give you a handkerchief

I said yes they do

But we don't wipe with them

They asked then how do you clean?

I said

They asked then what do you do with the handkerchief

I told

Tie a knot on the ends

Soak it

Co-ed school has girls

In Bio Angels

And the angels had a princess

Whose name was Natasha

And Natasha was so beautiful that

So beautiful that you start thinking that this girl

should be my girlfriend

She should be my wife

But Natasha was so damn beautiful

That I didn't have that emotion

My first emotion was to give up

I said these things have nothing

Let's leave it

Nothing will happen

It is just a waste of time

Let's go!

Everyone in the world used to hit on Natasha

People were crazy behind her

And beautiful girls after a point of time

come to know that this world is a fucking place

So, she didn't use to talk with many boys

Except the new comer

Sakthi!

I have melted a lot that is how I have become tough

Natasha used to talk only with me

Then we started going for chemistry coaching

We used to stay together all the time

For the whole day

And some people's personality is so over powering

That when you stay around them

I don't know whether it has happened with you or not

Probably it has happened with me

Might have happened to you too

All the time you feel

Jhanjhan jhanjhan

Right

Do you remember?

Whatever she used to tell

I could understand everything

This is happening

That is happening

He didn't like a guy called Nandkishore

Nandkishore was earlier her classmate

but when I had come he had taken commerce and had gone to another class,

he was her classmate

He was a tall guy

Those guys whose height just shoots up in the summer vacation of 9-10th grade.

Remember?

After that for 4-5 years they don't know how to walk.

They don't know what to do with their feet.

They are randomly moving their feet

And Zakir

Enjoying?

I said you mind your own business

She used to say

What is the problem with Nandkishore

He talks into your mouth

He should at least brush

I said you are right

Mister,

However strong group of boys you have

10 or 5 together

I am saying that

a girl who you don't hit on

bring her to your group

it is very important

request her, plead in front of her

ask her to tie rakhi

but bring her into the group because when she comes

your personality will evolve like anything

that thing cannot happen when men stay together

Man is such a fucking lousy tribe

We don't want any kind of change

I went to Indore some time ago

Came back from the US

Called up my guy friends

And asked them

Assholes where should we meet?

Everyone is doing really well, good jobs

I thought they would suggest some hotel

He goes let's meet at the tea stall

In 15 good years they have not changed their hangout place

Then I called my girl friend

She called up you have come to Indore so let's catch up

Tell me, when can we meet?

Let's meet for lunch or dinner

What would you like to have?

I said I want to eat Indian

So, she goes I ate Indian food for lunch so I can't have it again

Can you see the difference?

Those bastards can you hear the difference?

She is not repeating a cuisine

These people couldn't find a different place in these goddamn 15 years.

I am having a good time at coaching

Life was hunky dory

So in the class there was this rumor that someone will get beaten up

I thought I will go

Let me also see who is getting beaten up

Nothing happened I didn't see anything

Nobody knew anything, Nobody got beaten up.

Anyways I used to stay with Natasha

So may be I missed out on something

Nandkishore came to the class

And Zakir

he is in commerce what is he doing here

I asked what's up Nandkishore?

He said did you have fun yesterday?

I said in general

what is your specific question?

He asked didn't you meet Karan?

No, I didn't

I said who Karan?

He said you don't know Karan?

I said please tell me if Karan is some place's Amitabh Bachchan.

He said Karan is looking for you to beat you up.

Me?

What did I do?

He said he will only tell you once he meets you.

I said okay, okay, okay

I asked who is Karan?

Then I saw him.

If I blow he will need to comeback

Don't judge him looking at this

He has a gang of 22 people

I busted into laughter

He has a gang

Who are those 22 fuckers who follow him?

He said it is not his gang it's his father's gang

I said oh! This seems to go a little out of hand.

I said okay, who is his father?

You don't know his father?

I said you only tell me

Don't fool around that you don't know this one or that one

His father is a murderer.

He has done 3 murders and is in jail right now.

I said okay, okay, okay.

what does your father do

let's not talk about irrelevant things

Next day we went for coaching

Unfortunately, Chemistry teacher's son was taking the class.

Suddenly Nandkishore enters the coaching class

What was Nandkishore doing in Chemistry coaching class?

He says

Sir please send Zakir

Had he been an old sir, he would have shooed him away

Whatever you want to talk do it after the class.

Get out

This young teacher chickened out

He pinned it on me

Zakir

Yes sir

do you want to go out?

There is a thing called survival instinct

She is sitting beside and stopping me to go out

Don't go out they might throw shoes on you.

Avoid

He is saying right thing.

Had I heard of survival I would have got saved

Whatever the situation be

But men have this fucking thing

Because of which 99.99 problems are happening in the world

And that is Male ego

This guy sitting next to me said

What are you talking about?

Don't listen to her

You ought to go out

I asked why?

He said men are supposed to be brave

I said right this I have also learnt

I know this

He said Men face the challenge

Go out

And he has challenged you in front of 60 odd people

When did he challenge me?

This is how you get challenged

I got out

I thought he would stand there at the door

I stood at the door

Nandkishore said come on

I said what is the matter

Tell me here only

I said say it here He said

He said no, he wants to meet you in the deserted lane after these three lanes

Okay okay okay

I mentally prepared myself

Okay. I will hit Karan with my elbow

If he attacks me

Look we all are heroes of our own stories

We all want to win

I was fully prepared

As I moved towards the lane

Only a distance of 50 meters was left

As I crossed that line and I could see that lane

my heart sank into my stomach and my lungs busted out

as 25 guys were standing in the lane

My survival screamed

Listen just run right now

I turned and started running

That very moment someone grabbed my hand

I said Nandkishore leave my hand

Nandkishore said I have not grabbed your hand

As I turned I saw the male ego

He asked where are you going?

I said to save my life.

What are you saying?

So many people have seen you

You have made the eye contact

Now you cannot run away

Men face it

They don't run away

I said. Men should actually run

You stay healthy cause of that

People are not running

That is why so many people are getting heart attacks

I went into the lane

There are around 25-30 guys standing

Someone has a stick in his hand

Another has hockey

Someone has a pole

Yet another one has a bat, stumps

And Karan is sitting on his bike in the middle

He is smoking cigarette

If he is smoking like this

It means we can still talk

But Karan was smoking in maddy style

Someone came and told him

Zakir has come

he put off half cigarette on his speedometer

A complete show off of the rich

Fuck I don't mind picking up the smoke from the floor

Put off half cigarette

Swagger

Karan jumped from his bike

As his feet didn't reach the ground

He jumped

Walked two steps. And stopped

Then he took out Dilbaag from his pocket

How many of you don't know what is Dilbaag?

Alright

You know Vimal right?

It is his younger brother

Basically, it is one kind of tobacco

It was a 5 rupees packet

And it has so much tobacco in it

Even if I give 4-4 of it to each one of you

Half of it will be still left

That one

There are some people who are very fond of eating tobacco

They eat 2-3 grains after dinner

Or after having a drink just to change the taste

He used to eat tobacco

To make sure he gets cancer

So he took out Dilbaag

He tore it and ate it

Those who eat tobacco know

There is a style to it

He didn't throw the packet

He flipped it

Now I have a problem

I was raised in such poor surroundings

That I didn't even have 1-rupee coin to toss while playing cricket

So for most of my life I tossed with the tobacco pouch

Because on one side it is written in English..

..and on the other side it is written in Hindi

See only the poor ones are clapping

And why not

Fuck let everyone know

What have we achieved

25 boys have surrounded me

5 boys have blocked my way on the road

My life is under threat

Neither I have ever had a fight

Nor I have ever got beaten up

Anything can happen at this moment

What should be running down my mind at this moment?

What is going on in my mind?

I am thinking English

English, English, English...

Hindi

I said it is an unlucky day

He came towards me

said

I said yes

He said

You

I said yes, me

Why do you complain your sister-in-law about me?

Why will I,

Complain about you..

..to my sister-in-law?

Firstly, I don't have a real elder brother

Moreover, I have cousin sisters-in-law and they stay in Ahmedabad

I haven't even spoken to them for 3 years

I said look my sisters-in-law stay in Ahmedabad

And I have never spoken to them about you.

I have just come to the school

Why will I talk to them about you?

He started laughing

Did you get it?

Forget me the one standing behind didn't get it.

Everyone is wondering

I said

Okay. Let me explain

He says

Why do you complain about me to my girlfriend?

I said I don't know your girlfriend

I don't talk to any girl

Why will I complain about you to your girlfriend?

You know her

I asked who is it?

He said Natasha

I went crazy

Just like in CID episode after he gets slapped he admits to tell

All clues start connecting together

I was like

And all clues start connecting together

For 4 months Natasha never told me she had a boyfriend

She tries to be very hygiene conscious and this what she found?

Now the conversation changes

Now it was not about Karan it was about betrayal in friendship

I hangout with you the whole day

At least you could have told me that this is the guy

Whatever

You met did not meet

Could have given a few references

Natasha?

I told forget everything

Tell me specifically what did Natasha tell you?

He said that I cannot tell you

Tell me what Natasha had told you

He said why will she tell me anything?

I asked why?

He said I do not get to talk to her.

I thought have you gone mad?

Then I understood that it was like a universal sister-in-law concept

Where the sister-in-law herself doesn't know

how many brothers-in-law she has?

Guys get happy just like that

The one just went was mine

Fucker

Then I tried to control the situation

I said look Karan

Natasha and I never talk about the goons and gangsters

I said that honestly, I have never spoken anything like this to her

So one of those oddballs

Asked from behind

Swear on your mother?

I said I can swear on my mother

Male ego clearly refused

survival said please you have to swear

I said sorry I can't

he pulled up his sleeves

I said swear on my mother

I didn't say anything else

And since I had sworn on my mother

It was the heights of truth

I had told all the truth

He said look you have sworn on your mother but

Are you getting it?

You have sworn on your mother so

Technically we cannot beat you up

I sighed

Tension free

While I was just thinking this

he slapped me really hard

But I feel like doing it

When someone touches you, with all their might,

and without your consent, you feel really bad.

My limbs went numb

Body stopped responding

I am feeling angry

feel like crying

feeling scarred

I am feeling all this

But I am showing none of these

Of course

A little thing like this says so much about us

we try and show everyone

that everything

is alright

90% of us boys when get slapped do not stroke our cheek

We fix our hair

If someone says how can you take the beating

Why were you standing mum?

just ask fucker were you standing there?

I just could manage to say one line

My voice was breaking

I cannot cry in front of these guys

My hands are shivering

I said

You wanted to hit me, you did that

Can I go to my home now?

If you are satisfied now should I go?

But because they were 20-25 boys

I left from there after 10 minutes

I reached home

Mummy and papa are taking a nap in the afternoon

But today

Both dolls were up and about

Papa is reading the newspaper

And mummy is peeling garlic outside

Creating a mess

She only has to pick it all

I am crossing the veranda

Just then my mother looks at me

She asks how did your pant tear

Earlier it used to tear from here

I said no it hasn't

She said not from here

From the knees the stitching has come out

I said this

I fell down from a bike

Her elder son fell down

She got up and came to look closer

Asked where else did you get hurt

She saw this side but didn't see anything

But this side hand was bruised,

elbow was bruised

shoulder was bruised

she asked how did you fall from the bike

that you got hurt on both the sides

Though I didn't say anything

But answer was exuding out that the road squashed

Just then mum looked at my cheeks

Earlier they used to be flat

And now circumstances have made it like this

One could see a four-lane express highway this side

She says one minute

How come you have finger marks?

I said no no nothing

What nothing

Did someone hit you? Tell

Come on tell

And my mother is blabbering

And I am feeling weak

I have got beaten up

I am feeling really weak

Mummy is constantly asking me

And I felt like yelling at her

I don't want to talk to you

It's a sign of a weak-minded man

He tends to shouts on a woman

But I didn't shout

Because Papa was standing there

Otherwise he would have shouted on me

No one will raise his voice on this lady

except me

Dad just got up and left

He doesn't care about the story

He's sitting very indifferently.

Then my mother changed her tone

And once your mother starts asking you things in that tone

Even if you are 50 you won't feel more than 5 years old

Mummy started asking me

Baby what happened?

Did you fight with somebody?

Did someone hit you?

My little baby

Wouldn't you tell mummy?

You tell everything to mummy

my baby

you tell everything son

tell your mummy

all those who say a man cannot cry lie

we need someone who can ask us

Mummy made me so comfortable

That I told her that

Yes somebody beat me up

I saw my mother transforming

Her stole was put aside

Hair disheveled

Eyes burning like amber

Four arms forming

Trishul flying from her hand

Thick kajal

Tongue lolling

A garland of human heads goes flying around her neck

My mother transformed into Chandika

She too is a mother

It is a mother and son relationship

Don't feel awkward

That how a Muslim's mother transformed into Chandika?

Let this mother and son relationship remain secular

Post that my mother did the most embarrassing..

..thing in the history of motherhood

She took my hand and said

Come on

take me to them who have hit you

Point me towards his house

How can they beat you?

I will teach them a lesson

She was full of rage

We reached in front of Karan's house

She asked me, which house is it?

I showed it from afar

She reached the corner house of the third lane

Where is he? Take him out?

Do you go to school to become a goon or to study?

Look at my son's face is completely bruised.

Are these some kind of manners?

I stopped her mummy mummy

You keep shut don't talk in between

I said mummy this is not the house

She said why didn't you tell me earlier?

I said but you were not listening

She said shut up

Even your father tells me things incompletely

I thought now what can I do about it?

Your whole clan is like that

I was like

In complete anger Mummy reached in front of Karan's house

Where is he?

They stopped her. And asked

Did you take a token?

There's was a house of goons and gangsters

Everyday people used to come and shout

So they were distributing tokens

We were third in the line

He gave us a slip

They had put benches to wait

We went 5th

Two people even negotiated with my mother and went before us

They're asking, aunty, what is your case?

My son was beaten up.

Is he alive?

Yes...

The thing is, actually him... Beta, you go ahead

His brother-in-law was murdered

Okay, okay, okay...

So please let them go.

The last rights are remaining can you let them go?

My mother is like

Yes, yes for the last rights and everything the community should and will help.

My mother suddenly became understanding

After 5-6th person my mother went inside

They had made this stage

My mother got performance anxiety

She was standing there in an awkward manner

Is this the way

Tell me?

The whole anger got diluted with all that socialising she did

She said Is this the way?

Where is that boy?

Bring him out?

He has bruised my son's face?

You could hear people giggling inside

An uncle came from inside and said

You are absolutely right sister

We ourselves are really worried

He consoled her and sent her out

He pacified her

And sent my mother back

We were walking back home

I told mummy bygones are bygones

It is between you and me

Please do not tell Papa

My mother swore on sun, moon, stars, dust, grass, trees, rivers, everything

She said do not worry son

It is between you and me

How many of you feel that your mother keeps your secrets?

Do you feel so?

Do you feel so?

Okay okay

No one is a bigger asshole than you

Only for 10-15 people here

For your understanding let me explain to you

The man against whom you are trying to manipulate her

For two minutes don't think that she is a mother

Just think of her as a woman

For two minutes don't think that she is a mother

Just think of her as a woman

The man against whom you are trying to manipulate her

She is hooked to him for last 25 years

Who are you, teensy one?

Between them you have zero value

You were just 11 inches when they brought you home

And in that you used to poop 6 times

They used to look at each other and ask what should we do he has pooped

Who is going to clean him?

They used to lift your legs and clean your asses

Do you think this couple would keep a secret about this?

Till two-and-a-half years you are calling your mother to clean your poop

Mummy I am done

Do you think they will respect you?

As soon as my mother reached home

She told my father each and everything as if she was sewing..

..one pearl at a time.

Today was really unlucky

I was beaten up

Nothing happened when we went there

I took my books and sat on the table to study

I am analysing the right and wrong

I shouldn't have come out of the classroom

I should have held his hand when he slapped me

We all want to win

be it in the heart

But we want to win

I was trying to win in my head

So basically, I thought about one thing.

I cannot go to school now because I got beaten up

I have to become a thug there's nothing more to it.

I have to be a thug because I want to take revenge.

Who do I take revenge from?

All the 25-26 people and also their friends

So there are like 80 add people in the list

So I made a revenge list

And now I'm a thug and my revenge is also complete

I'm not going to school as well

So what do I do? I'll set up a business venture then.

I'll set up a business venture and earn a lot of money.

Earn a lot of money

A lot, a lot.

Then I'll be rich

I'll be the richest man in India

Then I'll go to USA

And I'll buy Los Vegas

I'll buy it entirely and I'll have sex day and night

No mister, I was just thinking

I'm pretending to study while thinking about all of this.

Just then my father came

He asked what happened?

Did something happen today?

I said no nothing at all

He said mummy was telling something

I asked what did mummy tell you?

Papa said no nothing

She was just saying that he is looking a little worried

I got it

I said papa it is just a little stress cause of studies

Alright

Now papa wants to have a conversation with me

When two men talk it is a very awkward situation

Because both have zero vs zero skills

Papa is also a little confused..

..should I address or shouldn't I that I know about it

It became awkward

And as I am a grown up now he wants to have a man to man talk

I am standing there

He too is planning what should he say

I am also quiet and pretend of reading a book

I said DNA RNA DNA

Then he asked me

Did someone beat you?

I said NO

He asks sure?

I said we just had a tiff

He asked should I come to school with you?

I said oh! Please

Don't do this

He said son if you have any problem please tell me

I said of course not

I said yes papa I will definitely tell you

I am so into a shell that he is unable to understand how he should tackle me

So he told me something

He said look son this is your learning stage

If you had a fight

You start sitting at home

You know how to sit at home after this

But how to go to school next day after this

You would not know

If you don't want to go Don't go

Do not pretend by putting up your uniform

But this is your learning age

And as many uncomfortable situations you face,

You will evolve more

You will get prepared for the future

Right now you are feeling that it is a bad day

Life is really long

It might get worse

But you have to prepare for it today

Do you understand what I'm trying to say?

No

Tell me in short

He said go to school

I know

I never move on with my life because my father caught up on my every basic plan.

I would've owned Los Vegas by now!

But, for that to happen it was necessary to miss the school.

He caught on

He said he'll drop me off tomorrow to school.

No, no..

He said no I will go

I thought that nothing should happen at the time of the assembly

As papa has come to drop me

As papa dropped me I went inside

I thought only 20-25 boys had hit me

And not the whole school

Who would come to know

And you know when someone is bitching about you

You get the feeling you have the intuition

The whole class is talking about it

You could hear the key words

Natasha

Karan Nandkishore

Zakir

Closed lane

Bat ball

Kicking summersault

Sewage

I am listening everything

In the second period Natasha comes to talk to me

I am busy writing something

Beauty gives you so much confidence that you can't even imagine

She puts her face between my face and the desk

Says Hi!

I wanted to tell her that I am getting all these beating because of you

I want to say this to all the girls

That you don't know about this story

But it is your story

You all are Natashas of your life.

But your Zakir has not told you

Please respect your guy friends

As your beauty enhanced

Your friends payed the price for it

The lip gloss that you put because you think your lips get dry

Its redness has our blood in it

I thought she didn't know

After talking for 5 minutes she tells me

Look don't walk too much

It will hurt

In 4th period Nandkishore came to the class

Says

And Zakir

What's your name?

Somnath tell me one thing

There are two people

One who has beaten you

And one who called you outside for the fight

Out of the two whom you should be angrier at?

The one who called you

Do you know

This is my personal theory

There is no science in it

That men has not advanced from last 900 years

We still live in a tribe from inside

All these are rules of the tribe

That we can tolerate death but not betrayal

It is such an awkward thing

That the person who beats us seems right to us

Means he is not morally incorrect

He said he will beat you

And he beats you

It is right

what is wrong in it?

It's absolutely correct.

Social science fails on it

You can be friends with the one who has beaten you up

I mean best friendship

Ohoho

I mean I should puke in his marriage

After a grudge of 2-3 years you have a normal friendship

He can be seen putting chairs on my sister's marriage

But you can never be friends with the one who called you.

Whatever happens

We can never be friends

Whatever happens I will never talk to him

Even if I am sinking

And he is the last person who lends his hand

I would shove him

Get lost it is better to die than to get saved by you

Nandkishore came and sat beside me

He puts his hand across my shoulder and asks

What's up Zakir

I said lay your hand off

He says oh attitude

Then he started teasing me

He got beaten up!

Do you know if you slap him he bounces back?

If you kick him on the stomach he does summersaults

I am scared

My hands are shaking I just want to get out

I want to escape

I want to get out of the classroom

As I was stepping out of the class

Someone grabbed my hand from the back

I said male ego leave my hand

He said I didn't hold your hand

When I turned back

It was Survival

He said if you don't give him an answer today

He will bother you for the whole life

Say it

Now the asshole I know the fuck

Dare anyone say anything

That time I didn't know what to say

I thought hard what should I say

So I said yes

So he teased that you got beaten up

I asked so/then what?

I didn't know that 'so/then what' has that much power

Whatever the talk is

If you say so/then what?

Statement just becomes null and void

If you say anything like

Nandkishore was such an asshole

Such a fucker

Even he too took 10 minutes to recover this

But did come out of it

He was a big-time fucker

He said. So. So. So

So did you enjoy it

I said no

He asked do you want more

I said yes I do

He asked do you want it now or afterwards

I thought what direction are these questions taking?

I said I want it now

He asked do you want it sweet or sour

I said sweet

Do you want it cold or hot

I said asshole

I told I will tell it in your ear

He said come on tell me

As he put his face forward

I slapped him really hard

And told him

I didn't enjoy yesterday

But I definitely enjoyed it today

After that his friends beat me up

That day when I went home

I saw my parents shivering

Police was sitting at home

And he was sitting relaxed

I thought even I was beaten up

My parents are sweating

Summon was for the neighbor

He did not pay his electricity bill worth Rs. 2000

His family has left the town

Because of this

electricity department got the police

Papa and mummy gave him 2000 rupees

He took it and left

That day I felt

They are not capable of handling my adventures

It happens that reality hits you

you are partying outside

yeyeye

and when you come home

your father is counting money

and says that there is not enough money to pay your fees

this moment comes

in all middle-class families this kind of moment comes

that moment came for me

I said to myself come back

Down. Down. Down. On the ground

Stay here

I thought I want to finish all this

I don't want to get into fights any more

I don't want to become a goon. Those are goons' kids

They have to do that for their whole life

I cannot do it

I am a teacher's kid

Early morning in the assembly

I went to Karan

I said Karan

And the whole environment of terror

Why should I live in that?

Let's finish it

Whatever it is right, wrong, good, bad

Let's finish it

I went to Karan

Assembly lines start forming a few minutes earlier

I went and told him

Karan I want to talk to you

Karan I want to finish all this

He said yeah so finish it

Ask for forgiveness

I said I am sorry

He said

Say it in Hindi

Your ego hurts big time

I said please forgive me

Again, from the back those oddballs kinds said

Fold your hands and say sorry

He said fold your hands and say sorry

Please forgive me

Now say that I will never talk to my sister-in-law Natasha in my life again

Alright

I said

I will never talk to my sister-in-law Natasha in my life

Karan told me do you know why did we hit you

I asked why?

Actually there are 2-3 more boys who flirt with her

Now when I have hit you

So now the right example has got set

I don't know from where I got this inside

I told Karan

Even I want to tell you something

Yes, tell me

I said I will tell you in the ear

He said ok tell

I gave him a tight one

Teachers came

Everyone was fighting

They are trying to rescue

As the dust settled

I saw my father standing at the gate

I went completely numb

I am totally gone

Talks are going on in the principal's office

After looking at all the evidence and witnesses

This happened That happened

My father heard everything

He only said

Sir on behalf of my son I want to apologise

Please give him one more chance

I had nothing to say

We got out of principal's office

Got down from the stairs

Came to the corner of the classroom

Here I have to go back to my class

And he has to go to his office

He has got late

He made me stand in front of him

Lifted my face like this

You did not think about my reputation

You hit in the assembly

And I had asked you to tell me

I was full of anger and rage

I told him Men do like this only

You don't know anything

He caught me

Said one minute

Do you think you did something courageous?

If you were courageous you could have told me

On the first day

Were you able to share?

I said no I couldn't share

You slapped him right

Yes I slapped him

What do you think was more difficult?

I said that

So are you courageous?

I said no

He said you are an asshole

Abuse from your father's mouth?

Do you think you have become a hero?

You haven't done anything great that your forefathers have not done.

I was like, what?

His father used to study with me in a government school

That time I also had slapped him

But I didn't want to became that kind of a man

That is why I have become this kind of a man

And I know I am way better than him

Alright

Next time if anything happens

Your job in the school is to study

Your job in the college is to study

And not to save lives

I said what are you talking about?

Really?

I want to tell everyone

All those boys and girls who go to school

Your job is to study

Rest your parents and teachers are responsible

People cut their veins

I was brave I could tolerate it

He said Don't live in fear

But don't even do all these things

Manhood is about expressing And not keeping to your self.

Go back to your class

You are the son of a lion. Stay like that

And if you have to apologise

Don't fold your hands

I have beaten all their fathers

It is enough to have one troublemaker in the house

I am there I will take care of everything

Go and study

And don't tell all this to your mother

Father?

My father?

He is walking like this

In freestyle

He is walking like this

What are you talking?

Really?

Tell me the truth

You know

When you are 5-8 years you think your father is a hero

In 9, 10, 11, 12 you find him okay

Then in 13, 14, 15 you feel It is okay he has just raised you

That day

After a very long time

I developed respect for my father

Say whatever

My father is a stud

That's it from my side

Thank you very much.

Zakir Zakir...

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