All language subtitles for I.Feel.Bad.S01E09.HDTV.x264.sva.eng

Mmm-mmm-mmm.
That spice rub smells amazing.

Do you need any help basting?
I am an excellent baster.

What are we rubbing down?

- Me.
- Okay, no.

Yep, Mom's back has been
hurting since last week

when she tried to pick up a ham
but she won't go to the doctor

because she's stubborn
and because, of course,

there's nothing a
turmeric paste can't cure.

This is the original Ben and Gay.

Mom, listen, you smell
so delicious that I'd love

to serve you over a bed of rice

but I think you need to see a doctor.

No! My friend Gurjinder
went to the doctor.

Now she's dead.

That's not why. Okay, Mom,

I need you to go to the doctor
because I care about you,

and because I need you
to take care of our kids.

- Yeah.
- Mom's home!

Mom, mom, mom, mom!

Aww, my babies.

After working all day,
I look forward to this.

Mom, tell Louie that's my keychain.

He needs to give it back to me.
He threw his away at Taco Bell.

Those are false allegations;
this is my grizzly.

It's chewed on one end, and I chewed it!

Nobody needs a keychain
because neither of you owns any keys.

That's not the point;
it's special to me.

It's special to me!
Chewing it brings me comfort.

Okay, we'll work on that...
Wait, no, Mom. No!

Problem solved.

Come Louie, take this and rub
it on my hard to reach places.

God, I can't believe I let
my mom take care of my kids.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com

_

Getting my mom to go to the doctor

was a lot like tricking a dog
into going to the vet.

You gotta promise a treat
to get them in the car.

Oh, boy. I can't believe
I'm finally seeing "Hamilton."

Nothing takes away pain like
a three hour hip-hop musical

about a treasury secretary.

Yeah, just got to get the tickets
from my friend Deb in her office.

Poor little buddy.
She has no idea what she's in for.

Are we there yet?

Mom, I'm doing this for your own good.

What? A doctor?

I should have known this was a lie.

You have no friends.

- All right, come on. Come on.
- No!

So, my mom is confined
to bed rest in her house.

Okay, Mom,
you heard what the doctor said.

You have a bulging disc.
You need to stay off your feet

and rest so that you can heal.

If Sonny is going to take care of me

who is going to take
care of the children?

Some stranger who will duct
tape the baby to the couch

so she can go outside
and smoke a doobie pipe?

Yes, Mom, I know
what you think about strangers

taking care of the kids.

That it's white people nonsense

like sunscreen and
supporting public radio.

You know, without our support,
National Public Radio

would actually be in dire, dire...

- It's not the time.
- I'll sit this one out.

With family at least you know
they'll do best for the kids.

Mom, you took the kids
to Gurjinder's funeral.

Yes, I used it as a lesson.

I said,
"She didn't finish her vegetables."

Oh, my God, Mom.

Please just focus
on getting better, okay?

The kids will be fine.

Yes. I will take some
work from home days.

I will rearrange some commitments.

It won't be easy, but we will manage.

Oh, Googaloo, only you know
how to ease my pain.

- Sing to me, Sweetie.
- For you, my love, anything.

♪ Come and get your love, Baby ♪

You know what?
We're gonna get out of here.

- ♪ Come and get your love ♪
- Feel better.

Guys, sorry I'm late.
This morning was stressful

because my parents aren't around.

Oh dear. So sudden.
It's just that there's nothing

that can prepare you for this, is there?

Chewey, do you seriously think

that I would come into work
if my parents had just died?

- Yes.
- The answer is no.

My mom's back is out
and my dad is taking care of her.

David couldn't even go into work.

We're such a mess.

Ah! I think I put coffee
in Louie's lunch box.

Ugh, okay, well, we'll find out tonight.

Why don't you just hire a nanny?

You're a freaking millionaire.

Okay, Griff, just because I'm your boss

does not mean I'm a millionaire.

Also, as much as I fantasized
about having a nanny

my mom would freak out,
and she'd be right to.

I mean, those are my babies.

If Jake was in danger
do you think a stranger

would throw down their life for him?

Well, actually,
I can answer that question

as I've had many nannies,
but I'll never forget about Tabitha

who risked it all to scoop
me up at a polo match

when a stampede broke
out on our property.

Wait, you've had a lot of nannies?

Wait, you grew up on a property?

Just a small farm with a
small castle and polo grounds.

Chewey, are you, like, royalty?

No, don't be silly. No.

No, nobility.
Yeah, the correct title is baron,

which is just a lord
who owns land, basically.

And you never mentioned this, why?

Well, it's very unbecoming of
a lord to mention he's a lord.

It's like if you went to Oxford.

You wouldn't walk around
telling everyone, "I went to Oxford."

- Did you go to Oxford?
- Yes.

So, how do we get ahead of this scandal
in the skies, David?

Well, Dennis,
the press is going to spin this

like we kicked a breastfeeding
mother off an airplane,

because that is in fact what we did.

So I think it's... whoops...

I think it's really important that...
that we let people know

that we have the second lowest
breastfeeding mom kickoff rate

of any domestic airline, umm...

What are you doing? Dad's doing work.

I'm going viral, momma.

Uh, David, is this not a good time?

No, this is a great time, Dennis. Umm...

Dennis?

Is that that bald turd
you're always talking about?

- Ems. Ems.
- No, babe. What?

Uh, little bit
of a Skype problem at home.

I need to go into the office.

So, can you take the kids
for the afternoon?

- Yes?
- No, no, no, David.

- This is not a daycare.
- Emet. Emet, watch.

I'm gonna do it.
Emet, Emet, check it out. Ready?

Yeah, no, for children.
It's not a daycare for children.

Okay, I tried working from home.
It wasn't productive, so,

we can't keep our jobs without help.

So either Lily is the mom now,
or we hire someone.

You guys shouldn't be so worried.

Okay, having a nanny isn't all bad.

I mean, sure, some of mine were cruel,

and some of them were kind,
but one thing's for certain:

♪ A boy who makes his bed
is a very clever lad ♪

♪ and a very clever lad
doesn't need his dad ♪

It's like Mary Poppins but depressing.

Yeah, it's something.

Okay, fine. David, you're right.

Maybe we should just do it.

We'll hire a nanny
until my mom gets back.

All right, what should we tell your mom?

Are you crazy? Nothing.

If I can hide dating
a white guy for a year

I can certainly hide a
nanny for a few weeks.

Check out my big red ball. Watch!

Okay, you know what?
Just ignore. Ignore him.

- Do not talk to him, ever. Ever.
- Side by side.

Okay, what if the nanny is
a sociopath or a meth addict

or has a weird sized eye
that I can't stop looking at,

and then she senses that
it's making me uncomfortable

and she takes it out on the kids?

On paper this woman is more qualified
to raise our children than we are.

Oh, I like her knock.

Mm-hmm. Knock says a lot about a person.

Just a sec. Nice to meet you.
Come on in.

- Hi.
- Hi!

- I'm Anna Mae.
- Yes, hello.

Hello, Mommy.
And this must be my friend, Jake.

Now you come to me,
little smoosh muffin.

Just don't be offended
because he does sometimes

take a minute to just
warm up to strangers and...

He's just fine. Wow.

Little trick... I just dab
some banana behind each ear.

Kids love it.
Unfortunately, so do fruit flies.

- Sure.
- Oh, there's one.

Louie, give me back my hair tie!

Guys, cut it out!

Louie!

- It's my hair tie!
- I need it!

Is that what I think it is, young man?

Wow, I have heard of those

but I can't believe
you actually have one.

This is not a hair tie or a weapon.

This is a magical sibling bonding band.

Hurry up! Show me your wrist
before it loses its power.

Wow. I feel it.

- Oh, this bitch is good.
- Yeah, that is the real deal.

Who are you?

Yeah, uh, guys, this is Anna Mae
and she's your new nanny.

'Cause she's magic.

So, what do we want for dinner?
Chicken pot pie?

Are you more of a crusty bottom
or like a biscuit top guy?

- Well...
- Wait. Both?

Can you love two women at once?

Yes.

Uh, me and Griff have been talking

and we want to come to your castle.

Yes. You've taken dumps
at both of our apartments

so it's only fair.

And I know black people are allowed now

because Duchess Meghan
kicked down the door.

Hi guys, good morning.

Anna Mae made muffins.
This woman is amazing.

I mean, she cooks, she cleans,
she tricks the kids.

This is exactly what I dreamed
parenting would be like.

I don't suppose there's
any freshly churned butter

to go with them, is there?

No.

Well, she's no nanny Tabitha, then.

Oh, no, no, no, this is terrible.

My mom is gonna be fine.

She's gonna be back on
her feet in a few days.

Damn.

I pray every night that
my mom stay healthy

but that's just me, I guess.

That is just you, okay?
I want her to be healthy.

I just don't want her to be able to walk
or get up for a little while.

Is that so wrong?

Anna Mae is like if
Xanax became a person.

And David and I needed
to make this prescription

last as long as possible.

I just had to hope David could lie.

The kids send their love.
They're with Trina.

You don't know her but she exists.

She's a third cousin of mine. Family.

It's only temporary. How are you doing?

I miss my grandkids.

Hey, no sitting. That's the fancy chair.

- What are you doing?
- I forgot family stands.

Oh, Mom, we are just so glad
that you're feeling

so much better but you should
take your time, you know?

I mean, we wouldn't want you to
come back before you're ready.

You could reinjure yourself.

You could be gone for, like, six months.

What nonsense.
When I was a girl I won the jump rope

competition while I was
burning with malaria.

I'm a strong woman.

Oh, she's right.
Quick, throw a wooden block

at her feet and hobble her.

Maya, the kids,
they miss you but they are fine.

I'm working from home, kinda.

You should take your time and get well.

Yeah, perhaps I should stay
off my feet a bit longer.

You definitely should, Mom.

Oh, Sonny! It's both too hot
and too cold in this room.

Of course, my love,

I shall both raise and lower
the thermostat per your needs.

Okay, we're gonna go,
but you rest and be warm and cold.

- Okay.
- Psst.

What? What? Hi, Dad.

I knew you two were up to something.

I need you to stop.

Very concerned about my mother-in...

I love her, but I need my life back.

Sonny, I'm craving Flamin' Hot Cheetos.

Postmates. Okay, come on.

I'm gonna kick your butt, Lily!

I'm gonna kick your butt!

Well, we knew that was too good to last.

- Yup.
- Three. Two. One. Hands up.

And the folding champion is...

both of you for doing
your personal best.

Yes! I love the way we smell.

Mountain fresh!

My God,
is she turning chores into games?

Remember my mom,
she turns games into chores.

You remember when we
played checkers with her?

Oh, my God that was hell.

Can I ask you guys a quick favor?

Sure.

Do you mind if I stay
a little later tonight?

I don't think she knows how favors work.

Well, it's just Jake's asleep
and Lil and Lou are easy-peasy,

and you guys have a sick cable package.

Plus, I thought maybe you
could use a night out together?

- We couldn't do that.
- You've been working all day.

- But what's a few more hours?
- If you insist, though.

I insist.

What?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Buca Di Beppo's?

Yes, but also,
if we hired her permanently

we could live like this all the time.

We could have a healthy, stable home

and we could get our pictures
on the wall at the Buc.

The only problem is once
my mom's back gets better

we'd have to break her heart.

Yeah... we would.

You know what? Tomorrow thoughts.

Let's go carbo load.

After the greatest
night's sleep I've had

since I accidentally mistook a Valium
for an allergy pill, I felt less guilty

about kicking my mom to the curb.

I mean, look at this kitchen.
It's so clean,

you'd never even know I had kids.

That's the dream, people.

- Good morning, Emet.
- Good morning.

The kids will be ready
for school shortly.

Ah, amazing. God, it is just so nice

to have a breather in the morning,
you know?

- Yeah.
- Just, usually I'm scrambling

to get the kids ready for
school and Louie's homework

ready and here it is just
done and ready to go.

Well, you should read Louie's story.

Such imagination.
Hyperbole aside, his mind is boundless.

- My Louie?
- Okay, I'm gonna go sanitize

the baby's humidifier.

Thank you. You do that and
I'm just gonna sit right here.

All right, let's see this story.

"The Magical Fairy who Saved the Boy"
by Louie Sweetzer.

This is cute.

"Once upon a time there was
a little prince whose mommy,

"the queen, was busy all the time.

"Too busy to make the
boy carne asada tacos

"even though a lot of families
have taco Tuesday.

"The fairy was fun and
cool and not busy at all,

"so, he asked her
to put a spell on his mom

"so she wouldn't remember
he'd been born.

Then the boy could live
with the fairy forever."

Seriously, Louie? You think
the nanny's better than me?

Oh, gosh.

I'm gonna need her to iron that.

Okay, okay, okay guys.
Just talk me off the ledge.

Sure. Emet, you don't look forty.

Not that ledge, but, thank you.

Does Louie's story mean that the kids
like the nanny better than me?

No way, Lily and Louie have,
like, a special bond with you.

- You're their mom.
- Thank you, Griff.

The baby on the other hand...

You guys basically just met.

So every day that goes by,

she becomes more his mom than you are.
You guys craving tacos?

Oh, God, that's my actual nightmare.

Okay, but if David's happy
and the kids are happy

then do I even really get to admit

that I'm too insecure
to let them be happy?

Good golly, I need a vacation from this.

Which is why we're all
going to jolly old England.

Yep, mum says you're all invited
to use this castle for tea.

Yes!

I can't go to England.
I'm losing my family.

Just bring them with you!

Anyway, I've organized everything, okay?

So, between the airfare,
ground transportation,

and our share of the staff salaries,

it comes to ã5,000 each.

Venmo me. I'm chuffed!

We're not [bleep] doing that, right?

Maybe I'm overreacting.

After all, I'm not used to the kids
spending time with anyone new.

It's fine. I'm good. I'm fine.

I know my kids love me
more than anything.

- Mommy's home.
- Yay!

Aww, already?

Does Anna Mae have to go home?

Please stay. We love you.

Yeah, that's it.
This bitch has got to go.

You know, babe,
as much as we love Anna Mae...

Oh, my gosh do we love her.
I mean, a blessing on her head.

Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov.

Yeah, but you know,
maybe family is best.

- Hmm?
- I mean, at least we can trust

my mom, you know?

'Cause I just read this
article about this nanny

who turned out to be in a cult
and brainwashed the kids...

Oh, yeah. Wash those brains right out.

Scrub a dub dub 'em.

- Our family's never been happier.
- Yeah.

Dammit. David's not biting.

If I'm gonna get rid of Anna Mae
she'll have to give me

a reason to send her packing.

Hey, Anna Mae.
Listen, um, I know you asked

to go to your brother's wedding but,
um, I'm getting a massage

that day so it's a hard no.

Well, I don't know how
to say this nicely but...

Quit, quit, quit, quit, quit.

- Thank you!
- What?

Ah! I did not want
to go to that wedding.

- Oh.
- Toby is a toxic personality.

- Oh.
- And it's in Tucson.

- No thank you.
- Yeah.

- Okay. Well I'm here for you.
- Thank you.

Okay. So good.

I knew what I had to do:
frame the nanny for a felony.

Okay, even for me that's a low.
I can't, I can't...

Oh, let me get that out of your way.

Oh! Louie's iPad?

How did that get in my bag?

I was wondering the same thing.

It was me. I did it.
I put the iPad in the bag.

I don't think that's what happened.

It is what happened. I saw.

I wanted to give Anna Mae
a present for being the best.

Aww, Louie.

That's very sweet but
I couldn't accept that.

You know what I do take? Hugs.

- Come here.
- Get her. Get her good.

God, they're protecting her.
My nanny's not a thief

but my kids are frickin' liars.

I need something big. I will break her.

Googaloo, shall we have a baby?

Hmm? I knew I should have
cut those pain pills in half.

There was a 72 year
old in India who stuck

some other woman's eggs
inside her and plopped out a baby.

Why can't I?

Okay, look.
I know you miss the grandchildren

but you'll get better soon.
Just be patient.

You're right, Googaloo.
I miss my grandkids so much.

Can you get me a pillow
that's as firm as it is soft?

If I was going to get this
loveable leech out of the way

I needed David on my side.

I was gonna hit him where it hurts...
his vintage guitar,

which he named Butter.

Sorry, Butter.

I'm so sorry.
I took my eyes off Jake for a second.

He must have found a way
to reach and unscrew the cap

to the paint and then
he got it on his fingers

and got it all over the guitar

without getting a drop
anywhere else, somehow?

Okay, you know what, the details
actually don't really matter.

What concerns me more
than the very, very, very

special guitar that you ruined

is why were you not watching our child?

I mean, this says toxic if swallowed.

Okay, the baby didn't touch toxic paint.

I switched them out.

You know,
he could have gotten into pills,

rat poison, bath salts.

I mean, this is serious, Anna Mae.

Can you just please explain to us

what you could have possibly been doing

that made you leave our baby alone?

I was on my phone but I was
making Bitmojis of the kids.

Okay, don't know what that means.

- Super fun cartoon.
- Wow.

I can't believe I'm saying
this but we have to let you go.

I understand. I'll get my things.

Who did that? Emet did that.

Okay, honey, look.
I know that that was hard,

but you did the right thing.

- You really did.
- Yeah. I'm gonna miss her.

Okay, but the good news is
my mom will be back soon.

It's just so weird.
She was so good with the kids.

She was so, so, so attentive.
Why are your nail beds blue?

Oh, you know what?

That's the new Kylie Jenner nail polish.

It's supposed to look stupid.

God, I caught you blue handed.

You... you set that woman up?

Look, David, she just wasn't
the right fit for us, okay?

- That's just... I'm being honest.
- That's not what you said the other day

when you said we should ask
her to replace your mother.

Oh, no. So how long have you been there?

Long enough, man.

I was stopping by to
show you that I'm better.

I was going to do one of
those dramatic moments

where I look hopeless but then
I get up from my chair and walk.

Okay, well, we're really
glad that you're better, Mom.

My back was better until
you stabbed me in it.

You two are dishonest and ungrateful

and you have hurt me deeply.

So I quit. I'm not going to
look after your children.

Good luck.

Okay, Emet did this and they're
my kids too so this seems unfair.

Wow, you're here, too. Great.

Okie-dokie. Good to see you. Love you.

My life is over.

I think we should talk.

Oh, God. My mom's
never gonna forgive me.

I mean, I don't know
if you picked up on this...

she holds grudges
tighter than a handbag.

Oh, your mom? I mean,
I don't know if I'm gonna forgive you.

You chased away Anna Mae...

the best thing that ever happened to us.

Honey, you read Louie's story, okay?

I... I thought I was replacing my mom.

I didn't want to replace myself.

Sweetie, it's just a story.

Yeah, it's a story of my life.

Look, my time with the kids
is already cut in half

because of work, okay?

And I love my job. I do.

I just feel a little guilty
sometimes but at least

I get to come home and see
their excited faces saying,

"Yay, Mommy's home!"

I wanted to be the magic fairy.

You're their mother.
You'll always be their magic fairy

but you are a magic fairy
with a full time job

and so am I and we have to get real.

Because of your jealousy,
you pushed away someone

who made our family happier.

- And you pushed away pot pie.
- You're right.

We gotta get her back.

When you let the greatest thing

that's ever happened to you
walk out of your life,

- there's only one thing to do.
- _

Dump your kids at a play
date and get her back.

I just hope it wasn't too late.

Hi. Look, I know what I did
was wrong. I do.

And even more than that,
I realize you don't know how much

you need someone until you lose them.

What Emet is trying to say is,

we need you. Yes. You.

Not a stranger that acts like family

but family that acts strange.

Hold that.

I'm just a girl standing
in front of her mother,

asking her to forgive her,

and watch her children for free.

You had me at you made a giant mistake,

and I'm always right
because family is best.

Mom, I know now
how it feels to be replaced.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Also, we tried to get Anna Mae back,
but she was pissed

and wanted an extra $500 a month

and that meant Jake
couldn't go to college.

So, here we are.

You're right, Maya. Family is best.

'Cause it's free.

Okie-dokie.

I'm going to take a little nap now.

Wake me in three days.

Clear your plates, kids,
and put them on the island

for your mom to wash.

Grandma, can you make it into a game
like how Anna Mae used to?

What do I look like?
Buster's Dave Arcade?

Just do it. Emet?

- Yeah?
- Where's the saffron?

I need to slather some on my psoriasis.

And it was all just a dream.

- Stop following me, Louie.
- I'm not following you!

Where do you keep your saffron?

Everything's back to normal. Happy days.

You stop it now or I'll
throw cold water on you.