Original subtitles

about the frog being wrong?

Well, the frog wasn't wrong, but you got the wrong frog.

It seems the possibility of a laboratory assistant making a mistake...

- is not remote at all. - I don't understand.

Two tests were being run at the same time.

One had a positive result, and the other, negative.

Through unforgivable negligence, your report read positive...

when it should've read negative.

Then... I'm not having a baby after all?

You're not having a baby after all.

Sleep well. You've got nothing to worry about.

That's what you think.

- Now what are you crying about? - It's just awful.

What is?

To think I had to go and tell you all about myself and what I did.

Now it turns out I didn't really have to.

- Well, it did you good to have someone to tell it to. - But not to you.

Why not?

- I'll see you in the morning, Deborah. - Dr. Praetorius.

- Hmm? - Are all your patients women?

- Almost. - I guess they all fall in love with you.

- Not all of them. - Just most.

Not even most.

Good night.

What a mess.

Why'd you have to stop by the clinic? Anything interesting?

A physician respects the confidence of his patients...

and does not discuss them with anyone.

How true, how true.

Was it the young girl who tried to shoot herself?

- Mm-hmm. - Why?

Because of an unpremeditated baby.

Her condition pretty bad?

Better than yours on the whole. Just a superficial flesh wound.

Then why drive all the way up to the clinic to see her?

I wanted to tell her she was not pregnant.

Lost the baby, eh? Was it shock or when she fell?

She's as pregnant now as she ever was.

Then why in the name of good sense tell her that she isn't?

Pregnancy, my dear boy, is not a state of the mind.

Here. Get me some more knockwurst.

Two reasons. One, to get her a good night's sleep...

and the second, to keep her from trying it again...

until I can find her father and talk with him.

What has her father got to do with it?

She has an unshakable conviction that the knowledge of what she's done will kill him.

And you intend to talk him into clicking his heels with joy over the situation?

I intend to convince him either to be compassionate about it...

or to convince her that her father will survive her disgrace...

and that her chief responsibility is to the baby.

- Noah. - Yeah?

Has it ever occurred to you, aside from certain medical considerations...

that most of this is none of your business?

- Thanks. - No? What is my business?

To diagnose the physical ailments of human beings and to cure them.

Wrong. My business is to make sick people well.

There's a vast difference between curing an ailment and making a sick person well.

We won't go into that. I'm too tired.

- Besides, doctors bore me. - Just one little question.

What have you great men of science done with atomic energy...

to make people well, hmm?

That's wonderful sauerkraut. It tastes like sauerkraut used to taste.

Hmm. There's a German woman who makes it in a barrel.

- I'll send you some. More beer? - Yes, please.

Sauerkraut belongs in a barrel, not a can.

Our American mania for sterile packages has removed the flavor...

from most of our foods.

Butter is no longer sold out of wooden tubs.

And a whole generation thinks butter tastes like paper.

There was never a perfume like an old-time grocery store.

Now they smell like drugstores, which don't even smell like drugstores anymore.

[Phone Ringing]

You country doctors live romantic lives.

Just think, it might be quintuplets.

This time of the morning it's usually heartburn or loneliness.

- Hello. - Dr. Praetorius?

Dr. Praetorius, one of our patients is missing.

Miss Higgins. That's it. Deborah Higgins.

It must've been in the last hour, Doctor.

Miss Myers said Miss Higgins was sleeping when she made her rounds about an hour ago.

We've searched the grounds.

Doctor, I just can't imagine how she got out.

I can tell you exactly how she got out...

by walking down the corridor and out the front door just as I did a couple of hours ago.

No, don't notify the police. I'll take care of it in the morning.

Keep looking, of course. And let me know if you find her.

Good night.

Who flew the coop? The young lady we were discussing?

- Yeah. - Why would she run away?

I don't know, but I've got to find her.

I should think so. It seems you've got some important information about her...

that she hasn't got.

You'd better wait in the car while I ask.

[Dog Barking]

[Barking Continues]

[Barking Continues]

[Barking Continues]

[Growling]

I wondered what Beelzebub was barking at.

Beelzebub? Beasts like that are usually called "Pal."

I call him Beelzebub because he's an evil dog.

Well, I am delighted to meet someone courageous enough not to love all dogs.

- My name is Praetorius. - Dr. Praetorius?

This is a pleasure. I'm Arthur Higgins.

I'm delighted Beelzebub didn't frighten you away...

but I am surprised he gave up so easily.

Mr. Shunderson has a way with dogs.

- Mr. Shunderson. - How do you do?

- Won't you come sit down? - Thank you.

You're far from a stranger to me, Dr. Praetorius.

I've heard so much about you from my daughter, Deborah.

- Have you? - How fortunate you were such good friends...

when she had that ridiculous little accident.

Yes, it was ridiculous, wasn't it?

I still do not understand how a woman can accidentally burn a deep welt in her side...

with a curling iron.

Well, it's not uncommon for women... female students in particular...

to curl their hair, eat, read and telephone, all at the same time.

The results are often disastrous.

- Yes, I imagine it could've been worse. - Much worse.

I happen to be devoted to porch sitting.

- If you'd rather go inside... - Oh, this is very pleasant.

And I see that you're properly protected against too much fresh air.

- Don't you believe in the benefits of fresh air? - I do not.

Nor do I believe that eating fish develops the brain...

or that oysters will increase virility.

[Chuckles] Oh, you must tell that to Deborah.

She's forever driving me out of the house.

You're an unusual man of science, Dr. Praetorius.

You're an unusual farmer, Mr. Higgins.

But I'm not a farmer. This isn't my farm.

- It belongs to my brother. - I see.

Then you're just visiting here?

You might say I'm staying here.

We need help. Beelzebub crawled in under the icehouse...

and... he won't come out.

- Beelzebub belongs under the icehouse. - Deborah, we have guests.

Yes, l... I see. Hello, Doctor. Hello, Mr. Shunderson.

I was wondering about that nasty little burn you got from the curling iron.

It's fine.

It's been almost a week, and since we happened to be driving out this way...

Happened to be out this way? Hours from your clinic and the university?

Dr. Praetorius has far-flung interests.

Then I'm sure both he and Mr. Shunderson...

will be interested in joining us for Sunday dinner.

No, really, we couldn't impose upon you.

Dr. Praetorius must have more important matters.

Nonsense. We can't let them drive miles to get here...

and send them away unfed.

- We'd love to have you. - We'll be happy to stay.

I'll tell Bella.

- Have you been here long? - Your father and I have just been getting acquainted.

Dr. Praetorius has a way of knowing people very well, very quickly.

He's entitled to as much time as he wants.

After all, you've told me so much about him.

Father, I'm not at all sure that it's good for you to be out of doors.

There is nothing healthier than fresh air.

You said something about telling Bella?

I haven't the slightest intention of leaving here.

Bella!

It seems also that Deborah has told me a great deal about you, Mr. Higgins.

There wasn't much to know, was there?

The number of accomplishments in my life, Doctor, is one... Deborah.

- Quite an accomplishment. - If you don't mind...

I'd rather not be discussed this intimately on the front porch.

On the front porch or in a test tube, it is obvious that you're going to be discussed...

so why do you insist upon remaining where you're not wanted?

Well, why should you want to discuss me? There's... There's nothing to discuss, is there?

Deborah...

Dr. Praetorius has not driven this great distance...

to see Beelzebub or to inquire whether you're being more careful with your curling iron.

It's quite apparent that he's come to talk with me.

- Now go and tell Bella there will be two extra for dinner. - [Woman] Somebody yell for me?

Yes, Bella. Uh, these two gentlemen are staying for dinner.

- Mr. John know about it? - There's plenty of food.

- Mr. John better know about it. - I'll tell him.

He's doing his books, and he don't like to be disturbed.

I'll tell him when he's finished, Bella.

Well, I'll put two plates on anyway.

You left the peas half done.

- I'll be right in. - I would like to help.

- Mr. Shunderson, really. - It isn't necessary.

No, let him. It's a good idea. He'll be of great help.

May I ask, is Mr. Shunderson your servant?

- He's my friend, but he likes to help. - I see.

Dr. Praetorius, I referred a moment ago to Deborah...

as the only accomplishment of my life.

- I'm sure you were being modest. - She's more than my only accomplishment.

Quite simply, she's my only contact with and reason for...

what is sometimes described as life.

If you'll permit a rather lurid analogy...

Deborah is my heartbeat.

Mr. Higgins, please don't feel that you have to tell me anything.

No, I want to tell you about myself for just a moment.

I can't say what makes me want to.

Perhaps it was Bella's rudeness.

Perhaps because I think of you already as a friend.

Uh, have you got a match?

- No. - I smoke too much anyway.

The "Mr. John" Bella seemed so concerned about is my brother.

He owns this farm.

He owns the food I invited you to share...

the beds we sleep in, clothes we wear, Deborah's tuition...

and the tobacco in my pipe.

The pipe is mine.

I have other possessions.

Some scrapbooks, a thin volume of poetry...

Mine too. It was published but didn't sell of course.

And Deborah and the memory of my wife.

- I wondered about her. - She died when Deborah was very little in London.

That's where Deborah was born.

- What were you doing in London? - I did the same thing, Dr. Praetorius...

in most of the major cities of the world...

I failed miserably at whatever it was I tried to do.

- We haven't any matches. - What?

Oh, it's become a nervous habit, I guess.

My brotherJohn never left this farm...

physically, mentally, spiritually or in any other fashion.

I don't imagineJohn's been more than a hundred miles from this porch...

in any given direction.

When you left the farm, what did you set out to be?

Nothing in particular, except to be as far from here as possible.

I remained both throughout my life...

far from here and nothing in particular.

I was an indifferent journalist, a minor poet, an ineffective teacher...

and a wretched businessman, unable to provide properly for my wife and child...

and then not even for just my child.

When my heart gave way, it seemed to me...

that my functions had achieved a unanimous failure.

And so I applied to my brother for permission to return here with Deborah...

as a complete dependent...

which I am in every sense of the word...

including being listed as such in his income tax report.

And now, if you'll excuse me...

- I'll askJohn about dinner. - Perhaps it would be better if you didn't.

Please. I'd consider it a favor.

- Would you like to come inside? - No. I'll stay out here for another minute.

- I thought you were helping in the kitchen. - The woman didn't want me.

I can't say I approve of the company you keep.

The dog is frightened and unhappy.

He has that in common with most of humanity.

It's not going to be easy...

what you came here for.

Let's go for a walk.

Sunday ain't Sunday without chicken.

Two things I guess I did every Sunday of my life... go to church and eat chicken.

Don't you ever eat chicken on a weekday?

Only on Sundays.

But if you like chicken so much, why don't you eat it more often?

'Cause I only eat it on Sundays.

UncleJohn lives according to a very strict schedule.

Two things I live by... the good book and the calendar.

I got a day's work to do every day in the year.

I take care of my work and the good book takes care of me.

Then you do the same thing every day of every year, is that it?

Just like the cows and horses and vegetables.

That's right. That's what the good Lord...

and old Mother Nature put us here for...

to do thejob they set out for us.

Oh. Well, I can't speak for the good Lord, of course...

but I know a little about old Mother Nature.

If old Mother Nature had her way, there wouldn't be a human being alive.

- How do you mean that? - I mean, among other things...

that old Mother Nature tries to destroy us periodically...

by means of pestilence, disease and disaster.

The human race has been at war with old Mother Nature ever since it became the human race.

What do you mean, "Became the human race"? Is that what you teach?

No, and I'm not really a teacher.

That merely happens to be my opinion.

Oh.

- You make a lot of money? - John, really, I don't think you...

I don't mind telling him.

Yes, Mr. Higgins. I make a lot of money... as a doctor...

but then I'm one of the few fortunate ones.

Huh. I'll say. We got one here in town works night and day.

- Hasn't got a red cent. - If you had a teacher here in town...

he'd be a little worse off than even your doctor.

But then the government doesn't pay them...

for the patients they don't treat or the children they don't teach.

Oh, you mean like, uh, I get paid for not growing some crops.

I never could figure that one out.

But then I never asked too many questions about it.

Never look a gift horse in the mouth. You?

I never look any horse in the mouth.

Oh. Well, I'm going back to working on my books.

Then I'm gonna sleep a while till it's time for my radio programs.

Off my schedule today. Income tax. I ain't complaining though.

Got more deductions than I thought.

Doc, do you mind if I put you and your friend down as a couple of feed salesmen?

Flattered. Just don't call me "Doc."

That way I deduct the whole dinner.

Every little bit helps. I write it all down in a book.

Most of my equipment don't cost me a thing, writing it off year by year.

- What's it called, Arthur? - Depletion and depreciation.

Yeah, that's it. It means it's running down.

- Don't work so good as it did. - One thing about teachers and writers and such.

They have less bother with their income tax than farmers and oil well owners.

That so? Why?

Because their equipment is talent...

and a highly developed mind.

And when they run down and don't work so good as they did...

the depletion and depreciation can't be written off their income tax.

See what I mean? What's so smart about 'em?

Don't play the radio loud while I'm sleeping, Arthur.

No, John.

Deborah, why don't you show Dr. Praetorius the farm?

I'm sure he'd be interested.

Just a lot of depletion and depreciation. That's all.

Let's see it before it's all written off.

I'll get a sweater and meet you outside.

How old were you when you learned to walk?

I did pretty well by the time I was four.

- When did you leave the farm? - When I was 16.

It couldn't have taken you 12 years to make up your mind.

Do you enjoy music, Mr. Shunderson?

More than anything.

## [Classical: "Prize Song"]

Mr. Shunderson...

Dr. Praetorius has come here to ask Deborah to marry him, hasn't he?

I wouldn't be surprised.

#[Continues]

This, as you see, is the dairy. The cows are out in the pasture.

Doing the job the good Lord gave them.

Uncle has eight cows.

That's far more milk, butter and cheese than what we need. He sells the rest in town.

That makes it a commercial enterprise, and he can write off...

- the dairy and the equipment and the cows... - [Clangs]

I think I like the dairy best of all. It's certainly spotless, isn't it?

The board of health is very strict about that.

Where do you hide Bella when they come around, under the icehouse?

Down here, this room is for the separator and things.

I'd stay out of there if I were you.

You might get caught in a room with a dead end.

The milk gets certified, you know...

according to the amount of butterfat in it.

Why did you run away from the clinic?

And this is the separator where the cream gets separated from the milk.

- Why did you run away? - It works by centrifugal action.

It used to be done by just skimming it off.

The cream, being lighter than the milk, rises to the surface.

- Deborah. - Because I had to.

- Why? - I had to, that's all.

- Why? - Because.

- Why? - I had reasons.

- What? - They were private. I don't have to tell you everything.

Why?

I'm in love with you.

- What makes you think so? - I can't give you symptoms. It's love, not measles.

Am I being pompous again?

Well, there are some things you can't be scientific about.

Even so, why should that make you want to run away in the middle of the night...

in your bathrobe and slippers?

- I didn't want to see you the next morning. - I wanted to see you.

Not if I knew about you what you knew about me you wouldn't want to.

Possibly. I don't know.

A person just doesn't fall in love that fast, or that often.

I just couldn't lie there anymore and think about it. I couldn't stand it.

Don't you see? If I do love you, then how could I have been in love with him?

And if I didn't love him, then why...

And anyway, even if I did, why did I have to go and tell you about it?

- Are you crying again? - No, but I wanna run away again.

No. No more running away.

You were right about your father. I couldn't have told him.

He'd have understood, but I couldn't have told him.

Certainly you couldn't have.

Now you tell me something. Why did you come here?

What do you mean?

It couldn't have been to talk to my father.

Well, as a matter of fact...

Because if it was, what about?

There wasn't anything to tell him really, was there?

- Well, no, not really... - A superficial flesh wound like mine...

you weren't worried about my condition, were you?

- Of course not. I... - Going to all the trouble of finding me...

searching the registrar's records and whatnot.

- Why did you come all the way out here? - I don't know, really.

I think you do know. What's your first name?

I can't go on calling you Dr. Praetorius.

- Uh, Noah. - Why did you come after me, Noah?

What you said before about cream being lighter than milk, that wasn't quite accurate.

- Noah's a cute name. - My real name is Ludwig.

You see, cream is the oily part of the milk. It's not actually a separate product.

- I prefer Noah. - In homogenizing milk, for instance...

the particles of fat become emulsified.

I do not want to appear unladylike about this, but I feel silly acting coy...

- So the cream becomes part of the general body of the milk... - with you, of all men.

You couldn't have come out here because you wanted to talk to my father.

And you couldn't have come out because you were worried about my health.

And there comes a time when a patient asks a doctor questions.

Why did you come all this way just to see me, Noah?

- I did have a reason, you know. - I know.

No, you don't. But it doesn't seem to matter at the moment.

You're being pompous again at the moment.

You'd be surprised how un-pompous.

Then what are you being?

Well, things do have a way of happening, don't they?

Old Mother Nature.

Old Mother Nature knows best.

- What's UncleJohn up to? - He's got the radio on full blast.

Something about rustlers. It seems somebody rustled 15,000 television sets.

Here, use this.

Dropping my things out of the window. You'd think I was escaping from a reformatory.

There is no reason why we can't just walk out the front door.

It's more fun this way. When you gonna break the news to the gentleman farmer?

John? During his favorite quiz program.

I intend to let him have it as a personal jackpot.

- He'll be mad. - I hope so.

I am scared.

Deborah, I thought I was going to have to die without seeing you safely out of here...

and without telling him off.

- Remember your promise to come and live with us. - Of course he will.

Much against everybody's better judgment, including my own...

I intend to live very happily with you.

- I'm still scared. - There's nothing thatJohn can do to either of us.

- She's not scared ofJohn. She's scared of me. - Pompous know-it-all!

It just so happens that what I'm afraid of is you don't really wanna marry me...

and that I won't make you a good enough wife.

In the first place, I'm not in the habit of marrying women I don't really want to marry.

- His first name isn't Noah. It's Ludwig. - And in the second place...

the woman has yet to be born who doesn't in her heart believe...

she'll make her husband a much better wife than he has any possible right to expect.

I just don't want to get married tonight.

I don't want a long engagement, but can't I even have one day?

We'll be married in New York. That takes three days, all right?

It's just so I can feel more feminine about it.

I must say, you're the only man I ever heard of...

who acts exactly like some poor girl that has to get married.

I imagine that as a man I've come as close to it as any other man who ever lived.

- [Knocking] - Come in.

- I got it, Professor. - Sergeant Coonan.

I got your man.

- Excellent. - Is that the same Shunderson?

- Very probably. - Could you identify him from this?

- Almost positively. - You gotta do better than "very" and "almost."

My dear man, this newspaper appeared in 1917.

The photograph is 34 years old, at least.

The identification may not be entirely positive, but it satisfies me.

We gotta be sure. Get me a new picture of this character.

There are none that I know of.

Mr. Shunderson has always manifested a violent aversion to being photographed...

even to snapshots by students.

- Want me to handle it? - Please.

Okay. Comes tomorrow, we slap a tail on this monkey.

Mr. Coonan, I have spoken to you about this before.

I must be able to understand you.

Oh. What I mean is starting tomorrow we'll have him followed.

Unhappily, it'll have to wait until Monday.

Dr. Praetorius is undermining a medical convention in New York and will not return until then.

- Monday it is. - Good luck to you.

- May I be of service to you, madam? - Yes, you may.

I want to buy an electric train outfit... very fancy and very elaborate.

- It's for a birthday. - I'm sure we can find something nice.

- May I ask how old is the boy? - He'll be 42 tomorrow.

[Deborah] Mr. Shunderson.

- Is anything the matter? - No. I... I thought I saw a friend.

- Well, if you'd like... - No, it doesn't matter.

Then would you help me with the trains?

- We've got more equipment than the Union Pacific. - Sure.

- Good night, Dr. Praetorius. - Good night.

- Good night, Doctor. - Good night.

I think you should know, someone took my picture today.

- Give me one to wear in a locket around my neck. - It wasn't that kind.

- He ran away after he took it. - I see.

- Perhaps it would be better if I went away too. - No.

You've made a great career. You have a home now, a wife, responsibilities.

No!

## [Whistling]

- [Doorbell Buzzing] - Want me to answer, Mrs. Praetorius?

Don't bother, Anna. Mr. Shunderson's somewhere out front. He'll get it.

## [Whistling]

- Professor Elwell from the university. - At this time of day? What about?

He's come to see Dr. Praetorius on very urgent business. Shall I call him?

Certainly not. Dr. Praetorius is not to be disturbed.

I'll talk to Professor Elwell.

Good evening, Professor Elwell.

Mrs. Praetorius? This is indeed an honor.

I'd heard, of course, of Dr. Praetorius's marriage...

but until now I had no knowledge of the extent...

to which he was to be complimented upon his exquisite taste.

Thank you. How sweet of you to come all this way just to say those nice things.

- Won't you sit down? - Thank you, no. My business is with Dr. Praetorius...

a most urgent and confidential matter.

And I have no wish to intrude for long upon what seems to be a festive occasion.

- His birthday. - So, these must be happy days indeed for your husband.

Unfortunately, they're busy days too.

And at the moment, he's in a very important conference.

But if you were to tell him that a most pressing matter concerning the university...

I'm afraid he cannot be disturbed.

Mrs. Praetorius, I assure you that it is necessary for me to talk with him.

It just is not possible.

You're welcome to wait if you like...

but I assure you my husband will be in conference until dinnertime.

I, too, have a home, Mrs. Praetorius.

I have come here at no little inconvenience to myself.

Exactly what have you come here for, Professor Elwell?

I have a message for your husband. Not a happy one, I regret to say.

Oh?

Well, if you'll give it to me, I'll see that he gets it.

Uh, I had hoped...

that is, I have been asked, to inform Dr. Praetorius of it in person.