All language subtitles for 21-over-yify-english

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

- None of that ever happened.
- Ever.

(UP-TEMPO ROCK SONG PLAYS)

(MUSIC PLAYS OVER DIALOGUE)

MAN: God, dude,
this campus is awesome!

This is friggin' awesome.
Are you looking at this shit?

This is beautiful.

Do you go to school here?

No, I don't go to school here.
I'm too dumb.

But my best friend
from high school goes here.

Yeah, it's his 21st birthday and me
and my friend are going to surprise him.

- Whoa. Foaming.
- Uh...

- Wait, is that a beer?
- What? No. What are you talking about?

Honestly, man, I'm just so
psyched to see my friends, man.

You know what I'm saying?
Oh, here's the train station.

Yeah, dude,
that's him on the corner.

Yeah, can you just honk
your horn a little bit?

(HORN HONKING)
- Yeah, thanks, man.

Hey, you fucking Jew,
get in the cab!

(LAUGHS) Dude, he is
such a fucking tool. What is he wearing?

I love him, but, like, he does dress
like a fucking tool.

- Miller! What's up, man?
- Yo, what's up?

- Come on, bring it in, baby.
- How you doing?

- Dude, how you fucking doing, dude?
- Good.

- You look fat.
- What?

- Yeah.
- I mean, I've had midterms.

- I've been stress eating a little bit.
- A little bit?

- A little bit.
- Dude, stop talking about your weight.

- How's Stanford? Good?
- Stanford's great. Honestly.

Actually, yeah,
how's Hakakiqua State?

- It's good, dude, I'm killing it. Yeah.
- Yeah? Kill it! Good.

Dude, how's your family?
And your sister?

- How's your sister?
- My sister? Why are you...?

What? No reason.
I'm just checking in.

You don't have to check in.
She's my sister.

She's 16 years old now.

OK, yeah, she's 16,
but in real life she's, like, 18.

No, in real life she's 16.
That's the whole thing.

And her Facebook photos
are fucking awesome.

- Is that Cancun, where does she...?
(SIGHS)

You know, there's always this moment
right before I see you, where I'm like,

"Why haven't I seen Miller
in so long? It's ridiculous."

"We should keep in better touch."
And then I see you and I'm like,

"Oh, yeah, that's right,
he's a fucking idiot."

I'm just kidding, man, come on.

What if I said that
about your sister?

What if I was like, "I wanna fuck
Danielle." What would you say?

Dude, honestly, I would love
for you to fuck my sister.

- Really? Why?
- Yeah.

It would seriously be
an honor to my entire family

- if you fucked my sister.
(LAUGHS) What?

I'll bet you five bucks that I fuck
your sister before you fuck my sister.

I bet you five bucks that I fuck
my sister before you fuck my sister.

I'll give you five bucks
if you fuck your sister.

OK, can we cool it
with the sister fucking?

This is your friend's place, all right?
Get out.

MILLER:
Oh, great. This is awesome.

- Jesus Christ, this place is quaint.
MILLER: - Thank you.

- Whoa! I don't know.
- Jesus! Who is that guy?

He's kind of a good dancer.

(CHANTING)

What's up, VisionQuest? Boom.

Dude, if we're not as fucked up as
that guy in two hours, we have failed.

I'd definitely wash
that hand if I were you.

Did you see the headdress?
He's The Chief.

No, he's a street person, dude.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Nice tie. You look like
Jason Gordon-Levitz.

It's actually
Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I actually really like him
in 500 Days of Summer.

- He's actually a really good actor.
- He is a really good actor.

Had a nice little
transitional period, right?

- Third City from the Sun or...
- Yeah.

BOTH: - Jeff Chang!
- Hey!

MILLER: Yeah! What's up, bud?

Happy birthday,
you tiny yellow son of a bitch!

- Surprise, buddy!
- What are you guys doing here?

I want you to call your lame
friends and cancel your plans

because we're taking you out tonight
and melt your fucking face off!

- Yes. Yes, we are!
- No. Wait, no, no, wait!

- Your face will be fine.
- Guys! Miller, I'm not...

- Yeah, dude.
- Yeah!

- No, no, hey, guys.
- Wow, man, nice place!

- Guys, guys, guys, listen to me.
- What?

I really appreciate you coming
all the way down here, but...

Do you have any weed?
I smoked all mine on the train.

No, no. Seriously,
I can't go out tonight.

OK? I have my biggest med school
interview, ever, tomorrow morning.

Shit! We should've called.

Jeff Chang! You're 21 years old, man.
Your asshole dad isn't here anymore.

- Gentlemen.
- Holy fuck, he is totally here.

Nice to see you again,
Dr. Chang. How's Cathy?

I mean, Mrs. Chang?
I mean, Dr. Mrs. Chang? Fuck me.

You still owe me $17.50
for that hole in my fence, Altman.

Uh, really? That was from,
like, eighth grade.

I didn't know you still
associated with these... people.

No, Dad, I swear,
I didn't know they were coming.

Your interview with Dr. Collins
is at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

I'll pick you up at seven.

- Your suit is pressed?
- Yeah.

I had to call in a lot of favors
to get you this interview.

Be rested, be sharp,
do not embarrass me.

I won't.

Dick wads.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Look, it was so nice
of you guys to surprise me,

but, listen, I can't go out tonight, OK?

This is like my whole life
in one interview.

- Dude, I totally get it.
- That's funny 'cause I don't.

- I don't totally get it.
- Could we go out tomorrow night?

No, we cannot go out tomorrow night,
because I've got tickets to Soundgarden.

You're a straight-A student, dude.
You can go out one night.

He can't go out, dude.

Casey, first of all,
you need to shut the fuck up.

- And Jeff Chang, you need to sit down.
- No.

Come on, just take a seat,
please, on your nice futon.

Because you have the wrong
attitude right now, my friend.

Look, Jeff Chang,
this isn't just any birthday.

OK? This is your 21st birthday.

- Here we go.
- This is the day that you become a man.

This is the day that you get to tell
every bouncer who's ever carded you,

"You know what? Sure, I get it. Yes, I
look like a nine-year-old Chinese girl."

- What the fuck?
- "But guess what?"

"Today is my 21st fucking birthday."

So, step aside
and let the man come through.

Miller, I totally get it,
but I can't go out tonight.

It's actually not your fault.
It's your people's fault.

Your people haven't been in this
country for a very "rong" time.

- What? He's more American than you.
- My family built the rail roads.

Yeah, but, well, you know
what I mean. Like, your people.

- What? What?
- China. I don't know. Are you Chinese?

- Listen, the point is...
- I understand what you're saying,

- but I can't...
MILLER: - In America,

in the United States of America,
bald eagles and Budweiser,

you go out and drink because
it's a sacred rite of passage.

- It's just like in Africa when...
- Oh, my God.

If we were in Africa...
You are so lucky we're not in Africa.

If we were in Africa, you would
have to leave the village

and not come back
till you killed a bear.

None of that is true.

- There's no bears in Africa? Really?
- No.

- You have to read a book.
MILLER: - You're 21 years old.

This, as they say in Casey's
home country, is a bar mitzvah.

- It's the American bar mitzvah.
- I was born in America.

It's like... OK, it's like when an
Eskimo kills his first penguin, right?

- Nope, they definitely don't do that.
- Yes, they fucking do, Casey.

- I hate you.
- In this country, Jeff Chang,

your best friends take you out
and they fuck you with alcohol.

- I'm gonna fuck you with alcohol.
- Oh, my God.

- Now who's with me?
- Nope.

- Come on, fuckers!
- Uh-uh.

- Mm-mm.
MILLER: - Whatever.

I'm fucking taking you out
whether you want to or not!

I don't care if you're
scared of your fucking dad.

Dude, we're all scared
of his fucking dad.

I'm not! A little bit.

Also, if you do not
come out tonight,

I will stand outside your
bedroom window all night doing this.

(HORN BLARING)
(ALL YELLING)

- OK, OK, OK, I'll go out!
- I can't hear you!

- This thing is super loud!
- I'll go out, just stop! Just stop!

That's what I'm saying.
That wasn't so hard.

What kind of asshole brings
an air horn in his backpack?

Honestly, it comes in handy
more than you'd think.

- Just one beer. One beer.
- That's all I wanted.

- We'll take care of you.
- That's it, man.

Nothing's gonna happen to you.
You're my little baby tonight.

♪ You may bury me with an enemy
in Mount Calvary!

♪ You can stack me on a pyre
and soak me down with whiskey

♪ Roast me to a blackened crisp

- Give me a shot!
- ♪ And throw me in a pyre!

♪ I don't really give a shit
I'm going out in style! ♪

(CHEERING)

I'm gonna be 21 forever,
you motherfuckers!

(CHEERING)

- Dude! How you doing?
- I'm doing great, dude.

- Good to see you guys!
- What's up, dude?

It's awesome to see you. Honestly,
'cause I miss you. I miss your hugs.

- Yeah. OK. OK.
- Give me a hug.

Are you, uh... are you...
Are you sure you're OK, man?

You're fine, like,
should we maybe get going?

No, Casey, look at me. I'm fine.

- I'm fine.
- You look fine.

- I'm fine.
- He's fine.

- You know what this bar reminds me of?
- What?

The night we won Rothenberg's
Beer Pong tournament, and Jeff Chang

hooked up with that nine-foot tall
chick who played the banjo.

- Yeah, what was her name?
- Tara.

CASEY: - Tara!
- Yeah, Tara!

She was gigantic.

Man, high school was so awesome.

Speaking of the banjo,
you still writing music?

Dude, I'm pre-med, man. I don't
write music. I don't listen to music.

I can't even remember
the last time I went to a show.

- Fuck, man.
- Yeah.

Hey, you're still in for Sidewinder
at The Gorge this summer, right?

- Hell, yeah! The Gorge!
- Right, OK! The Gorge!

- Casey, what about you, man?
- Hm?

- The Gorge, Sidewinder.
- Oh, I don't know, man.

Aren't we too old to be doing
the whole music festival thing?

Uh, I don't know, Casey, are
we too old to have fun times?

- No.
- Are we too old to spend a week

enjoying 250 bands play
the seminal music of our generation?

Are we too old to drop acid and make
love to white chicks in dreadlocks?

- I don't like dreadlocks.
- Are we too old to take

handfuls of Ecstasy and dance around
in fur... with other people in fur?

Yeah, we are too old
for all of those things.

I don't like dreadlocks.

But, guys, all I'm saying is
that we all graduate in May, right?

This could be the last summer all three
of us ever spend together. You know?

Right, but I have a job
lined up after graduation.

- What?
- You got a fucking job?

Yeah. I'm working for
Newbury Capital in New York.

- Dude, congrats, that's a great firm!
- Thanks, Jeff Chang. See?

Yeah, awesome. What about Sidewinder
at The Gorge, Casey?

I'll think about it, all right?
That's all I'm saying.

- Yeah. You're selfish. That's bullshit.
WOMAN: - Jeff! Jeff!

JEFFCHANG: - Oh, Nicole!
- Holy shit, game on.

- Hey, how are you doing?
(LAUGHS) Happy birthday!

Hey. Meet my oldest friends,
Miller, Casey.

We used to tear shit up
in high school.

Casey.
Nice to meet you, Nicole.

Wow, that's quite a firm shake.

That's 'cause he masturbates a lot.

Oh, yeah? Me too. I can't get to sleep
without flicking the bean.

What? Wow, I guess we already
have a lot in common. That's great.

Yeah, I masturbate a lot, too.

- He does.
- Like a lot.

- Oh.
- At weird places too, like malls,

bathrooms, handicap stalls.
They're bigger.

Name some more spots
you jerk off in, Miller.

Sometimes I wear flannel.
Made me feel like a lumberjack.

- What the fuck?
- I am so sorry for him.

I don't even know you.
I feel terrible.

What are you talking about? I feel like
she's picking up what I'm putting down.

- Oh.
- Yeah, but then again,

- she's putting it down again.
- But then she picks it back up.

I feel like she'd never
really pick it up twice.

OK, look, I'm just gonna ask.
Who would you rather...?

- Him.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

- OK, it's over. It's over.
CASEY: - Oh, my God.

- This is embarrassing.
- That's fine, that's fine.

Fuck you all, I'm gonna
go play some darts.

Have a really boring life
with my boring friend Casey,

- who played the flute in band.
- Shh.

OK, thanks, buddy. Enjoy.

Wow. Thank you for that.
Oh, my God.

- Here, sit down.
- You're welcome. Thank you.

So, um...
So, that's your friend?

Yeah, we were best friends
back in high school,

but we're not really that close anymore.

Yeah. Your oldest friends are always
your weirdest friends, right?

- Yeah, what is that about?
- I don't know.

People change when
they go to college, right?

Like, I'm sure he wasn't that
big of an idiot back in high school.

No, actually, that's exactly
how big of an idiot he was, yeah.

- Hundred percent same amount of idiot.
(LAUGHS) Really? OK.

Yeah. So you're in,
uh, Sigma... Zeta...

- ...circle with a line in it.
- Oh, OK.

- I get it, you're not in a frat?
- No.

- 'Cause I'm not angry and secretly gay.
(CHUCKLES) Wow!

So, what are you drinking?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, dude, I'm so glad you guys came.
I really needed this.

- My dad's been driving me crazy.
MILLER: - Yeah man, we love you.

- We wouldn't miss it for anything.
- Miller! (LAUGHS)

Honestly, I'm sorry Casey's
being such a little bitch, though.

- He's not being a bitch.
- Dude, yeah, he is.

Honestly, I feel like he thinks that
he's too good for us and it's like,

"Bro, you're a nerd."

He's not a nerd.
He's our friend.

You're lucky to be hanging out
with us because we're awesome.

Dude, he's just trying to be happy.

So, you leave for Brazil tomorrow?

Yes, and then Chile,
Ecuador and Argentina.

What about you? What are
you doing for spring break?

I have a two week externship
at J.P. Morgan.

It's private equity stuff.
It's pretty cool.

- You know? It's not that cool.
- Wait.

So, on the last spring break
of your entire life, you're working?

Yeah, why? Aren't we supposed
to be starting our lives?

- Did your mom tell you that?
- Yeah, my mom did tell me that.

- She did?
- Yeah. Why you hating on my mama?

No, it's just...
I mean, look around. OK?

In ten years, everyone in this
bar will be married with kids,

driving to some boring job
in a fucking minivan.

I mean, we got to do as much
crazy shit as we can before then.

No, yeah, exactly.
I totally agree.

We're not too big on crazy here,
are we?

What? No, I'm a huge
proponent of the crazy.

Are you kidding?
I'm the mayor of Crazyville.

- Oh, my God, you're such a dork.
- No! Are you...?

What? Check it. Look, V-neck
sweater with an un-tucked shirt.

- My shit is bananas, girl.
(LAUGHING)

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
- I'm just saying, the point is, is that

he's changed and I can tell
that you're upset by it.

- I'm not upset. I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.

OK, whatever, message received.
I'm gonna talk to him.

- Dude, no.
- This can't go on. He's hurting you.

- He's hurting both of us.
- You don't need to talk to him.

(MAN SHOUTS)
- Holy shit, dude!

- Fuck me!
MILLER: - That's awesome.

It went all the way through.
I can see it.

Oh, my God. Hey, hey...
Oh, my God, I am so sorry, man.

- I'm so sorry.
- Problem, homeboy?

- No, no. Here, let me take a look.
- Get your hands off me!

I'm gonna be a medical student.
I'll just check...

- Back off!
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Step Up, 3D. Take a step back.
- Miller, help me.

- You want to fight?
- Calm down. Nobody wants to dance, OK?

- It was an accident.
- Sorry, we won't touch you.

It was an accident.

Oh, well, guys, I guess
it was just an accident.

You know, my face
doesn't even hurt anymore,

now that I know that
it's an accident.

I mean, accidents, they happen
all the time when you're drinking.

People get hit by things
like flying darts...

- What's happening?
- ...and flying stools.

What are you doing with the bar stool?
What, you're gonna throw it at us?

(GRUNTING)
- Jesus Christ, man! Are you OK?

Now if I ever see
you fucking tampons again,

I will come at you like
a fucking spider monkey!

I'll rip your face off, bitch.

I think we should
get the fuck out of here.

- Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here.
- Let's get the fuck out of here.

Wow, you seriously
need to get laid.

I know, what do you think
I'm trying to do right now?

- Oh, really, is that what this is?
- Yeah.

- Why, how am I doing? Is it not...
- Eh...

Do you have any, like,
notes or comments or anything?

(LAUGHS)
- We gotta go.

What? No, I'm talking to Nicole.

That's a really great story.
We gotta go.

- Yeah.
- No, I'm not going.

We need to get out of this bar.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

OK, what could have
possibly went down in there

that you had to pull me away from her?

What? Dude, that wasn't gonna happen.
She's a hard nine, you are a soft six.

- Oh, what the fuck, man?
- Wow.

- Shit.
- OK, where we going? Let's go.

No, man, it's eleven o'clock.
We're done.

OK. OK.

Oh, dude, there's like 20 bars nearby.
That's awesome. Let's do it.

No, we gotta get Jeff Chang home, man.
His dad is gonna fucking flip.

- What are you? A pussy?
(LAUGHING)

- That's awesome.
- You fucking pussy!

How many fuckin' shots
did you give him in there?

Relax, OK? He drank us both
under the table in high school.

- Yeah, I remember.
- Oh, shit, the Galway.

These fuckers have been
carding me for years.

- Whoa! Jeff Chang! Car!
(HORN HONKING)

- Fuckers!
- What the hell? Where is he going?

All right, dude, relax, one more bar
and then we'll go home. I promise.

- All right. She was cute, right?
- Yeah, she was cute.

- She's just not my type.
- What is your type?

Girls that wanna
have sex with me.

- ID?
- Oh.

You got ID or not, man? Just
come back when you hit puberty.

Twenty-one. Blackjack,
motherfucker!

- Whatever, just go the fuck inside.
- What?

- What? What?
- You're good, go in.

Where are the white women at?

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERING)

(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CHEERING)
(BELCHING)

(CHEERING)

CROWD:
Drink, drink, drink, drink!

(CHEERING)

(FARTING SOUND)

- Yeah!
(CHEERING)

Take it off, yeah!

(CHEERING)
- Oh...

(LAUGHTER)
- Oh, my God!

(GASPING, SHOUTING)

(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)

Holy shit, dude! Stop pissing!
Stop pissing! Stop it!

What the hell are you doing?

(LAUGHING)

I'll just talk to myself.
Awesome.

Man, this is ridiculous.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHEERING)

CASEY:
Miller, we have to get him home.

- Three waters, please.
- Dude, it's too late.

- They're gonna need a new bull.
- This is not funny.

Yeah, let's put him down.
He's really heavy.

- Oh, my God.
(MOANING)

Jeff Chang's dad is gonna
fucking honor kill him

if we don't get him
to that interview.

Relax, he's gonna be fine, man.
Let's just get him home.

Yeah, so where are we?

How do I feel like
none of this looks familiar?

Did we come from...?

Jeff Chang, where do you live?

- Home...
- Yeah, home, how do we get home, bud?

(SLURS) Suck my shit.
CASEY: - OK, hey, hey.

Get you home, we can get you rested.
Just give us your address, buddy.

We'll get you a good night's sleep,
a nice cup of coffee.

Dude, that's not gonna work.
You gotta shake him.

- What?
- Wake up, asshole!

- Tell us where you live.
- Didn't you...?

I know that you're in there
and I know that you can hear me.

- Didn't you have his address?
- Yeah, I do, uh...

It's back at his apartment, though.

All right, well,
maybe it's in his wallet?

Yeah, check his wallet.
He's really passed out, man.

No, that's his parents' address.
I know that one. Fuck!

- Yeah, let's call his parents.
- Yeah, let's.

Let's call Dr. Chang, the scariest man
in the entire world, and be like,

"Hey, what's going on,
Dr. Chang?"

"We took your son out,
got him shitfaced

and totally ruined his future.
Oops. Sorry."

OK, look, Casey, we don't know
where Jeff Chang lives. OK?

We don't know anybody who knows
where Jeff Chang lives,

- so it seems like...
- Wait. Oh, my God. Nicole.

Dude, stop thinking
with your penis.

No, no, no. Nicole,
she's friends with Jeff Chang.

- She might know where he lives.
- OK, cool. Did you get her number?

- No.
- No, because you can't close.

No, because you pulled me away
from her before I fucking could.

- You know that.
- You could never close.

She was closeable. I would've closed.
Jeff Chang could've closed.

You know what?
Nicole lives in a sorority.

If we could find her sorority house,
we could find her.

OK, Casey, there's 40,000
people at this university.

There is no way that I'm gonna
go looking for one person,

who may or may not
know where he lives.

That is dumb. No. No.

"No." No, never.

(RAP SONG PLAYING)

MILLER: Oh, hey, it's The Chief.

Dude, what is The Chief doing
all the way over here?

- I wish I was homeless.
- Oh, my God.

Think about it, man, they got no stress.
They have no responsibilities.

What responsibilities
do you have?

Dude, I have a cat that
needs love and affection

and I have to take her on walks.

- You don't take cats on walks.
- I take my cat on walks.

She has fat legs.

CASEY: Dude, I really don't
want to fuck this up.

Jeff Chang has wanted to be
a doctor his whole life.

MILLER: Maybe he should've
thought about that

before he went out drinking tonight.

- Yeah, 'cause this is all his fault.
- What is that supposed to mean?

You forced him to go out
and made him get drunk.

Jeff Chang is a grown man
and he made his own choices.

There was no air horn
involved anywhere?

Nope.

Great. Seems like you haven't
changed at all, that's nice.

Yeah, well, you've changed
because in high school,

- you were sorta cool, Casey.
- What is this jabbing my leg?

But now, you are not cool.
Now you're just super douchey.

- What the fuck?
- Holy shit.

- What is Jeff Chang doing with a gun?
- I don't know, man.

Take him.

- Dude, this is a real gun, man.
- I know.

I got it.
He's on the riflery team, right?

You think this guy's OK?
He didn't say anything to you, did he?

No one's trying
to hurt him or anything?

No. But we don't talk as much
as we used to. You know?

(SIGHS) All right, let’s just
keep going, I guess, right?

I want to shoot something
if I have this fucking gun in my hand.

- Please don't. Please don't.
- Can I kill a squirrel?

- Miller, put the fucking gun away.
- OK.

- Let's go.
- I'll kill one later.

- So, what sorority is Nicole in?
- Sigma Zeta something.

Dude, her sorority letters
were written on her rack.

How do you not remember them?

I was more interested
in what she had to say, dude.

Yeah, well, if you
had been a normal guy

and stared at her tits,
we'd be home already.

- Speaking of tits, how is your sister?
CASEY: - Oh, my God.

MILLER: Sigma Zeta Theta,
could that be it?

- Yeah, that's actually right.
- Oh.

(BELL RINGING)
- Vaginas!

Yeah, you wanna tell us
where you live, man?

(CHUCKLES)
(MUMBLES) Big vagina.

OK. Let's just lock that away for
a few minutes and act normal, OK?

CASEY: - Oh, hello!
MILLER: - Hello. How are you?

CASEY: - Hi.
MILLER: - Hi.

Awesome. Is Nicole in?

Is this some sort of
pledge thing?

- I want cereal. Count Chocula.
- Shh. Jeff Chang.

- All right.
CASEY: - You don't have to write.

MILLER: The answer is...

Oh, no, don't even worry about it.
Just tell Nicole to come downstairs.

Just tell her it's Casey.

It's a funny story, actually.
She'll totally love this.

Fuck! Well, what are
we gonna do now, man?

That was so weird.

Hold him.

- What are you doing?
- Come on.

- Don't leave me with the baby.
- Bring the baby. Come on.

- I can't... fuckin'...
- Let's go around the back.

(MUTTERS) Motherfucker.

Hey. Dude, no, we're not
breaking into a sorority.

MILLER: (WHISPERS)
Don't be scared. They're just girls.

Oh, jackpot. Yes.

What? Do you have a better idea?

- Come on.
- I fucking hate you.

Watch his head.
Watch his head.

It's gonna be fine,
everything's gonna be fine.

(THUDDING)

- Oh, Jesus. I'm sure he's fine.
- Great.

(JEFFCHANG MOANS)

(WHISPERS) Oh, God,
Jeff Chang, be careful.

Shh!

Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Was Nicole Latina?

She could be half-tina.

I don't know, man.
She seemed pretty Nordic to me.

Dude, Cameron Diaz is Latina. It's just
a meaningless ethnic signifier. Come on.

You know, sometimes,
you say the stupidest shit

and other times it's like, Cameron Diaz,
Latina, I never even thought of that.

- Shh!
- Yeah, I really liked her in Shrek.

MILLER: Yeah, dude,
Shrek was fucking tight.

JEFFCHANG: - I'm hungry!
- Shh, Shh, Shh!

(LOUDLY) I want waffles!
- Shit.

- Go.
- I want waffles! (MUFFLED)

He is way too loud.
We definitely can't bring him with us.

Right, so, what are we gonna do?

Well, we can't just
leave him here, man.

(CHANTING) Hi-ya. Hi-ya,
hi-ya, hi-ya. Hi-ya, hi-ya...

Chill out with the rain dance.
I'm trying to tie you to the can.

(SOFTLY) Hi-ya, hi-ya...

- Is this really the best idea?
- Probably not.

- Let's hump and dump.
- That's not an expression, but OK.

(WHISPERS) "Rosa. Maria"?

"Incarnazion"?
Dude, something is wrong...

Dude, what are you doing?

(MOANING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(JEFFCHANG MOANS SOFTLY)

(MOANS LOUDER)

Lupe?

(MOANING)
- Honey, are you OK?

(MOANING)

Got a little cramp?
Need a tamp?

WOMAN 1: Have you seen my bra?

(WHISPERS) Go, go, go.
WOMAN 2: - Maybe it's in your room.

Fuck, it's a dead end.

Go, go, go!

Pledge Gomez and Pledge Aguilar are
eager for our spanking, Pledge Mistress!

(JEFFCHANG MOANING)
- Lupita, are you OK?

WOMAN: - Lupe.
(JEFFCHANG SHRIEKS)

(WHISPERS) Lupe.

Is something wrong,
Pledge Mistress?

Why are we not being spanked?

- Don't, don't, don't.
- We wait eagerly, Pledge Mistress.

Pledge Mistress, we are
deserving of this spanking.

(WHISPERS) Yes, they are.
- What are you doing?

I'm gonna spank that ass.

- No.
- Shh. I hear something.

- Go check the door.
- We want to be spanked by you,

Pledge Mistress.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I feel nothing. Again.

Pledge Aguilar requests
a spanking of her own, Pledge Mistress.

(MOANING)

What the fuck?

- Fucking...
- I love sorority chicks.

Pledge Mistress,
is there a man in the room?

MILLER: Um...

CASEY: (WHISPERS)
Well, say something.

That's right, pledges.
This is a new part of your initiation.

- Really, because that's not...
- Yeah, I don't know about that...

Girls, this is
what the Pledge Mistress said.

Guys, do you want me
to have to call Pledge Mistress?

BOTH: - No, no.
- I don't want to call Pledge Mistress.

You know how she gets this time
of night, but I will wake her up

and tell her you're
being disobedient pledges.

- We're sorry.
- Yeah.

- That's better.
- What's our new assignment?

(WHISPERS)
Find Nicole. Find Nicole.

- Your new assignment...
- Find Nicole.

- ...is to start making out.
- What?

(MOANS)

(SLURS) Candy.

I'm hungry.

(WHISPERS) Who the fuck is this?

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERING)

(GAGGING)

Candy bar.

This is so wrong.

Relax, all the kids go les nowadays.
Isn't that right, Becca?

Yeah, totally, but how is this
part of our sorority training again?

I have no idea, but I love you.

I want to make beautiful lesbian
babies with both of you.

Look, do either of you guys...

- God, they're really going at it.
- Yeah.

Do either of you guys know
which room Nicole is in?

Nicole? There's no Nicole
in this sorority.

- What?
- She's not here.

Dude... we're in the wrong sorority.

No, dude, we're
in the right sorority.

(PANTS)

- Eyes!
(SCREAMS)

- Throat!
(GASPS)

- Groin!
(GRUNTS)

All right, we do have
to get going soon.

Yeah. No, we'll get going.

MILLER: Becca? Hey, sorry.

- Will you grab her boobie a little bit?
- Come on, man, that's...

WOMAN: (SHOUTING)
Intruder in the house! Intruder!

I'm so sorry.

- Go, go!
- Go, go, go!

Hey, get your ass back here!

(MOANING)
(WOMEN SHOUTING)

- Jeff Chang!
- Jeff Chang, we're coming!

(SHRIEKING)

What the hell?

Hey!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

We're gonna kick your ass!

Ladies, please,
can we just talk about this?

- Holy shit!
- Oh, window!

Go, go, go, go!

WOMAN: - We're gonna fuck you up!
- Motherfuckers!

How we gonna get him down?

Uh...

- We're gonna throw him off.
- What? No.

Trust me. A pool cover's like a giant
pillow. I've done this a thousand times.

- You have?
- We're gonna beat your ass!

- OK, on three.
- Oh, my God, look.

That's Nicole's sorority.

- Oh, cool. OK.
- All right.

BOTH: One... two...

- Fuck.
- ...three!

(CRASHING)

Oh, my God.

(WOMEN CONTINUE SHOUTING
INDISTINCTLY)

Did we just kill Jeff Chang?

(ALL YELLING)

Jump!

(WOMEN CONTINUE
SHOUTING NEARBY)

Oh, my God!
Dude, they're everywhere!

CASEY: Jeff Chang is
covered in rose thorns.

- Open the fucking door!
- Can I help you?

- Oh, my God, thank God you're white.
- Is Nicole here?

- Uh, yes, but... OK...
- Awesome.

Um, she doesn't want to see you.

MILLER: - OK, just be careful.
CASEY: - Oh, my Lord.

MILLER:
I'm looking at his asshole. Oh!

So, whose idea was it
to throw Jeff off the roof?

Uh, Casey.
It was Casey's idea.

Wow. I was all wrong about you.

Had you pegged for
a real straight arrow.

Oh, no, he is.
He went to space camp.

- Thanks, man.
- Straight arrow.

Yeah. I have a bit of a wild side.

- Oh, yeah?
- Hm-mm.

Sometimes after eating,
I jump right into the pool.

- I don't even wait 20 minutes.
- You're a fucking renegade.

CASEY: - Yeah, you think so?
- Yeah.

Sometimes at night... (WHISPERS)
I don't even wear my mouth guard.

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
- And I'm supposed to.

- That's recommended.
(LAUGHS)

- You're funny.
- Thanks.

- I think you're funny too.
NICOLE: - Thank you.

What the fuck are you guys doing?
OK, look, I go to the window

to check out for our safety,
and I come back,

it's all bananas in pajamas.
Let's get serious.

- Do you know where Jeff Chang lives?
- I don't, I'm sorry.

Do you know
any of his friends or anything?

I met Jeff in my remedial
science study group,

but he didn't really talk
to anyone else so...

There we go, back at square one.
Not a single clue.

Wait, your remedial
science group?

Yeah, I'm a Bio major.
I tutor kids who are struggling.

OK, no, Jeff Chang is Asian.

- There's no remedial in that language.
- Yeah.

Nicole, Jeff Chang
invented science, OK?

Actually, he's failing
out of school.

- This Jeff Chang, right here?
- Yeah. This Jeff Chang.

You guys didn't know that?

- No. No.
- What?

What is going on with Jeff Chang?
First the gun and now this?

Why wouldn't he tell us
he was failing?

I don't know. Maybe he was
embarrassed or something.

We're his best friends. You tell
your best friends stuff like that.

Maybe we're not friends
like that anymore.

What? OK, we're
in the middle of a crisis here.

You're just gonna drop that
kind of shit on me right now?

Listen, Nicole, is there
like a campus address book,

or do you know anyone that
might know where he lives?

No. Oh, wait,

- Randy might know where Jeff lives.
- Oh, great.

He's the campus pep leader.
He has every student's address

in his phone for sending out
flyers and stuff.

- So Randy is a cheerleader?
- Yell leader.

- Oh, yell leader.
- Completely different.

- Yeah, I didn't realize, OK.
(SCOFFS) Straight to voice-mail.

Oh, he's at the pep rally.

You know what? I'm going to
a party on that side of campus,

- I can take you guys over there.
- Great!

OK, look, no, guys.
We can't just run out of here.

We're surrounded by
Latins right now.

They're coming in hot.
They're frickin' everywhere.

- No worries. I have a car.
- She has a car!

Nice. A little bit of a road trip?
We're on a mission.

CASEY: - OK, there she is.
WOMAN 1: - Go that way!

Oh, fuck, what is that?
It looks like a toy.

WOMAN 2: - Look over here!
CASEY: - It's fine, it's a car.

- We're coming.
- Dude, there's no way.

There's Hispanics everywhere.

WOMAN 3: - Check the bushes.
- OK, we gotta go, come on!

No, no. This is stupid.
We're not gonna fit in that thing.

- We'll be fine.
- I've taken shits bigger than that.

I cannot believe you're jeopardizing
our mission for some girl.

- Why? You think she likes me?
- No, you're a fucking nerd.

CASEY:
That's what I was saying. It's like,

I think she would date a guy
that rides a mountain bike...

- Shh!
- ...or like surfs in Costa Rica.

Where do I fit in?

- Fuck, this really isn't gonna work.
MILLER: - I told you.

(WHISTLE TRILLING)

(WOMAN SHOUTS IN SPANISH)

(WHISTLE TRILLING)
WOMAN: - There they are!

MILLER: - Go, go, go!
(TIRES SQUEALING)

Get the fucking van.

(RAP SONG PLAYS)

CASEY: Is the pep rally
even still going on?

NICOLE: Oh, yeah,
we've got State tomorrow.

This campus is gonna
be going off all night.

Oh, nice.

Well, thanks for the ride.

So, how are we gonna
find this Randy guy?

Pep rally's right down that path.
Just look for the big truck.

It's called the Spirit Mobile.
Randy should be around there somewhere.

You sure you don't
want to come with us?

I'd love to, but I'm already
super late to my party.

And why is Randy gonna give us
Jeff Chang's address?

Oh, because he's my boyfriend.

What?

- Didn't I tell you that?
- Uh, no.

- Yeah.
MILLER: - Nicole, have a great night.

- Thank you so much. You're a gem.
- OK, well, good luck.

- OK.
- Great. Thank you.

Bye.

- Just don't.
- Casey, I'm not gonna say anything.

Can't believe she has
a boyfriend, though, right?

I thought she would have
said something earlier.

It makes sense. That's why she wasn't,
you know, feeling me.

But I'm not gonna say anything.
I won't say anything.

I don't want to rub salt in your wound
'cause I could tell you're hurting...

(MARCHING BAND PLAYS
IN DISTANCE)

But I didn't know
she had a boyfriend. Wow.

Let's just find this guy, OK?

I bet he's huge, by the way.

Probably super flexible.
The guy could probably blow himself.

I'd blow myself,
but I have a long torso.

But seriously,
does your sister ask about me?

(INDISTINCT SHOUTS OUTSIDE)

WOMAN 1: Check the alley!

WOMAN 2: Let's find
these motherfuckers!

(WOMEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

What the hell's going on out here?

Hey... have you seen these guys?

I've been looking
for them all night.

They were also carrying
a drunk Asian kid.

Oh, I got you,
you little turds.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

(SNORTING)

Hey, let's check over there
by the big truck.

Oh, look, cheerleaders!
Let's ask the cheerleaders.

Uh, excuse me! Excuse me!

- Do you know where Randy is?
- He's behind the Spirit Mobile.

Oh, thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Excuse me, hey, are you Randy?

- Oh, no.
- What the fuck you doing here?

MAN: Who's this guy, Randy?

These are the motherfuckers
that threw a dart at my face.

- Break them down, Randy.
- Wait, this is the guy from the bar?

Yeah.

You got a lot of nerve
coming into my house.

You are not cool enough
to call something your house.

Plus, we're outside, so it doesn't
even make sense. There's no house.

- It's a metaphor, bitch.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, dude.

I'm sorry about my friend.
Look, we just talked to Nicole and...

Whoa, you talked to my girl?

Yeah, I wouldn't
have gone that route.

Yeah, listen, we're just trying
to get our friend home

and she said you might have
his address in your phone?

- Nicole said that?
- Hm-mm.

- Lock him up, Randy.
- Sweep the leg, Randy.

"Sweep the leg"?

- Hurt his feelings, Randy.
- Crush his spirit, Randy.

Well, I mean, I should
probably help them out, right?

(CHUCKLES)

Here's my phone, motherfuckers.

- Come and get it.
- Can we just be grown-ups about this?

- OK, I'm done talking. What's up?
- Dude, what are you doing?

- Oh, shit, Randy!
- He's got a gun, Randy!

- I'm scared, Randy.
- Give me your fucking phone, Randy!

- Put the fucking gun away, OK?
- No, dude, you know what? I know guns.

- That shit ain't even real.
- Huh? Is this real?

(GUNSHOT ECHOES)
(BELLOWING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)
- Yeah, baby, kick his ass, Randy!

- Yeah, boy! Fuck him up!
- Yeah, beat his ass, Randy!

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)
- Break a leg, baby!

(SNORTING)

(GRUNTING)
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)

- Oh, shit, Randy.
(GROANING)

I got it, I got the phone.

- Pussies!
- Where the hell are you going?

- Hey!
- Get up, Randy. Let's get him, Randy!

Move, move, get out the way!
Watch it!

Fuck!

(CROWD SCREAMING)
(BELLOWING)

Fuck!

There he is! I see him!

(SNORTING)

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Yeah, we got you now!

You're cornered, dude!

- We're gonna fuck up your face!
CASEY: - Miller!

Get in, get in, get in!

Hey! I'm in, I'm in!
Go, go, go!

Find 'em? All right, go.
Look for them. Come on, I want...

(SNORTING)
(SIREN WAILING)

- That was so dumb. That was so dumb.
(CHUCKLING)

This Randy guy's a massive douche,
but I actually really like his phone.

Just tell me that Jeff Chang's
address is in there.

OK, Jeffrey Reginald Chang.

- Four-nineteen Oak Street, number two.
- Oh, thank God.

And that is located... six blocks away.
And boom goes the dynamite.

- Nice. Finally!
- Nice.

Finally.
We're gonna get you home, buddy.

- I'm glad we didn't ruin his life.
- He's still breathing, right?

Who cares?
Oh, go straight here.

CASEY: OK, so this is good.
We're gonna have him home by four.

He'll be able to nap it out for
a few hours and be good to go by seven.

His asshole father
will never know.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

(RINGTONE PLAYING)

- Hello? Honey, I told you.
(WOMAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

(SIGHS) I knocked on his door,
he didn't answer.

I called his cell phone.
He didn't pick up.

(INDISTINCT SHOUTS)

- Oh, man, he's gonna pay for this.
- Why didn't you wake him up?

(CHUCKLES) No, he's not asleep.
He's out here. I can feel it in my knee.

So, what about that buffalo,
you think it's OK?

- No, they're gonna kill it.
- Really?

Buffalos only live for like
three years anyway, man.

- Whoa! Was that The Chief again?
- Yes, it is.

- Stay awesome, Chief!
(RAP SONG PLAYING)

Hey!

(CHEERING)

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

- Oh, my God. Oh, God!
- Whoo-hoo!

(LAUGHING) Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
- Whoo!

MILLER: - Awesome.
- You were right, man.

Golf carts go down stairs.

Holy shit, I fucking love college, man.
I don't know why I ever left.

Wait, what?

What?

Did you drop out of college?

It's me, man. You can tell me whatever
you want. I'm not gonna make a big deal.

- OK, yeah, I dropped out of college.
- What?

- Two years ago.
- Two...

What have you been doing
for fucking two years?

I work at a gas station, man.

I get, you know, free snacks.
I get free smokes.

Like, I hang out
with my boy Varaj... Varag.

You have a boy "Varaj"?

- Yeah, he's pretty...
- This is... Oh, my God.

Dude, look, Casey, I don't know why
you're acting so surprised, man.

Like, I'm not Jeff Chang,
I'm not you.

I wasn't gonna do
awesome stuff with my life.

- Like... this is what's up.
- OK. What a cop-out.

You're one of the smartest
people I've ever met.

Really?

- Top 25. Whatever, man.
(LAUGHS) Fuck you.

- You aced your SAT's, right?
- Yeah.

And remember Mary what's-her-name?
The hot born-again chick?

No one could get near her,

and then you stole third base
with her at the book fair.

- She liked to read.
- I know.

I don't know what you said to her,
but it must have been pretty smart.

Uh... I told herl had leukemia.

That's actually pretty dark.

Whatever, man. The point is
you're really smart.

- You're just lazy as fuck.
- Yeah.

- I'm not bullshitting, man.
- I know, you're right.

I just gotta get my shit
together, man.

I just gotta get my shit together.

I miss you, dude.

We don't really get to talk
like this much anymore.

Look, maybe I could take
a couple weeks off this summer

and catch up with you guys
at the Sidewinder Festival.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, man.

- That's awesome, Casey!
- I miss you guys too.

Dude, I'm gonna fuck so much unwashed
hippie ass it's gonna be embarrassing.

(LAUGHS) Right.
- I like the hippie chicks, man.

They don't shave their legs.

That means they have
a huge bush and you know me...

- Yeah, you love bushes. Yeah.
- I like a good bush. Fuck.

MILLER: OK, Jeff Chang's apartment
is right up here on the left.

CASEY:
Nice. We got you home, buddy.

- This doesn't look right.
- What the shit is this?

(RAP SONG PLAYING)

- You sure this is the right address?
- Yeah.

(SIGHS) Must be an old address.

- Fuck.
- Fuck.

All right, well, come on,
let's go inside.

Maybe someone in his old room
knows where he lives now.

(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Jesus.

Look at this place, man.

MILLER: Yeah, these nerds
know how to party, bro!

Oh, dude, Beer Pong?
We gotta play. We gotta play.

Yeah, man. That would be great,
but we got some shit to do.

Hey, your elbow's
over the table!

- Shut up, you piece of shit!
- Hey, fuck you, man!

- Watch your elbow, asshole!
- Thirty seconds...

- I'm gonna kick that guy's ass!
CASEY: - Dude, what is wrong with you?

(MUSIC ECHOING IN DISTANCE)

- Oh, my God. You are so cute.
- Hello. Oh, my God.

Bang on my door one more fucking time
and I'll claw your fucking eyes out.

- What?
- Whoa.

OK, um... Do you know this guy?

Why, because I'm Asian?

We don't all know each other,
you racist mother...

Oh, wait, I do know this guy.
Yeah, he used to live here.

Do you know where he lives now?

No, I used to live across the hall
and he never talked to anyone.

Of course he didn't.

That's why I was shocked when the cops
came and arrested his bitch ass.

Wait, what?

What would the cops
possibly want with Jeff Chang?

I don't fucking know, but he moved out
after that and I never saw him again.

What is going on with Jeff Chang?

Motherfucker took
my laundry detergent.

He's packing heat, he's failing out
of school, and now he's a criminal?

Maybe he's a Yakuza or something. This
chick is really fucking turning me on.

Do you have a forwarding address
for Jeff Chang?

Yeah, yeah, no, I do.
No, you fucking cock lickers.

You could check with our RA.
He might know.

- Your RA, where is your RA? Miller!
- What, the fuck...

Top floor. His name is PJ Brill
and he's throwing this fucking party

if you could believe that.

- She has such a mouth on her.
- I believe it. I believe it.

Yeah, and when you see
the beaver muncher,

tell him to get all the titties
and butt-fuckers out of my foyer.

I got fucking field hockey tomorrow.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

- Oh, here we go.
MAN: - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Where do you think you're going?
- We're going up.

- No way. Tower of Power, dude.
MILLER: - What?

- What's the Tower of Power?
- Yeah.

You gotta win the event on each
floor to move up a level. Hey.

CASEY: - You have to be kidding me.
- Nope.

- OK, how many levels are there?
- There's eight.

OK, we just need to talk
to this guy named PJ Brill?

PJ Brill is Tower Master.

You wanna talk to him,
you gotta get to the top level.

How do big dumb animals
like you even get into college?

Just 'cause I look like this...
doesn't mean I don't have feelings.

Look, we just need
to get our friend home, OK?

- Can you help us out? Please?
- Come on, man.

Tower of Power, dude.

- Tower of Power, dude?
- Tower of Power.

CASEY: What are we gonna
do with Jeff Chang?

Uh...

Oh, stoners.

- Hey, what's up, dudes?
- What's going on?

You guys mind watching
our friend for a bit?

Sure, man.
(COUGHING) Killer.

These guys look super high.
You sure this is a good idea?

Relax, dude, these morons
aren't going anywhere.

Now, come on! Let's show these
clown dicks how to pong, baby.

- Fuck, yeah!
- Fuck, yeah!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Ethnic Serbs.
These guys can pong.

Fuck the Balkan states.
OK, bros, when we beat you,

you can't rape us and steal our land,
OK? No rapey. No rapey.

OK. Nice shot.

Mazel tov.

Fucking Serbs.

Here we go.

And we're back!

Twinkle, twinkle, baby.
Twinkle, twinkle.

- Good.
- Drink up, Serb.

Know what that tastes like?
Freedom.

BOTH: Yeah!

Hey, Ivan Drago, this one's
for you and your sweet jumpsuit.

Ahh! Sucka.

Say something, bro.
You're freaking me out.

This one's for Apollo Creed.
His spirit lives on.

CASEY: - Yeah!
- That's what I'm talking about!

- That's what I'm talking about!
- Paper covers rock, bitch.

- Rock covers your Russian ass!
- That's right... different cultures.

Sky hook.

That's unbelievable!

- Last shot, last shot.
- Kiss it. Kiss it.

Yeah!

That's unbelievable!

BOTH: USA! USA!

- Red, white and blue!
- Undefeated, baby!

- Give me my beads, bitch!
- Sorry, he doesn't mean that.

- Tower of fucking Power!
(RAP SONG PLAYS)

All day! (INDISTINCT)

That's right, baby!
You did it. You know you did it.

- Yes!
(ALL CHEERING)

- What's the name of the game?
ALL: - Thumper!

- And why do we play?
- To get fucked up!

Yeah!

(ALL SHOUTING)

- Yeah!
- Give me my beads.

(RAP SONG CONTINUES)

That's what I'm talking about,
right there!

Dude, what?

CROWD: (CHANTING)
Chug, chug, chug, chug!

(SPUTTERING)

Almost there!
Holy shit! You can do this!

(CHEERING)

No.

- Suck and Blow!
- Fucking child's play.

CASEY: All right, last event,
get in line.

I'm gonna go get in there.
Let's go, Suck and Blow party.

NICOLE: Casey?

Nicole?

- Oh, so this was your party.
- Hey.

- Did you get Jeff home OK?
- Uh, no, actually,

we left him downstairs
with a couple random stoners.

(GIGGLES)
Wait, are you serious?

Yeah, actually, now that I think
about it, it's kind of a horrible idea.

(LAUGHS)
- I don't know why we did that.

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

- Hey, Walsh.
- Yeah, bro?

Hey, man, who's this dude?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

So, Randy didn't
have Jeff's address?

Yeah, no, your boyfriend actually
turned out to be a bit of a dead end.

Balls, I'm sorry.

Can I ask you what
you see in that guy?

- Is this you being jealous?
- No!

- Is that what that is?
- I'm not jealous.

(LAUGHS) Yes, you are.
- Why am I jealous?

Why, 'cause he's handsome
and has phenomenal school spirit?

Randy is pretty crazy,
but he's also fun.

And he's passionate
and I like that in a guy.

Yeah, but he's passionate about
cheerleading and fighting people.

It's like the two worst things
to be passionate about.

OK, all right, what are you
passionate about, Casey?

- I'm passionate about a lot of things.
- Oh, what NPR?

Yeah, yeah, I actually like NPR a bit.
They have a nice little Morning Edition,

sometimes I get some
cooking tips from them.

(RINGTONE PLAYING)

- Cute ring-tone.
- Sorry.

I thought that
might have been him.

He hasn't returned my texts all night.
I... hate it when he does this.

Well, enough about Randy.

Would you like
to Suck and Blow with me?

I thought you'd never ask.

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC CONTINUES)
(MEN CHUCKLE)

Dude, does it look
like the bear's...

- ...blowing him enough yet or what?
- It looks great, I believe it.

What about the face...
Should I write, "Douchebag"?

Or "Fucktard"? Huh?

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHS)

Very nice form.
Where did you learn to play?

Hanover Lake every summer.

No way, I used to spend
every winter break there.

- No!
- I swear to God.

The card needs to be a little
higher, Danielle. For next time.

Yeah, people say that
it's like old and run down,

but I think it's the most
beautiful place in the world.

Yes! Well, except for that
creepy guy that sells pinecones.

- Creepy Dan the Pinecone Man!
- Yes! Oh, my God!

I can tell you don't like me,
but if you have a sister

who looks like you...

I can't believe that
you know Hanover Lake.

It is literally
my favorite place on earth.

It's like, all you need
to know about me.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Jesus Christ, we're playing
Suck and Blow, people. Game faces.

(RINGTONE PLAYING)

Oh, God.
Randy's in the hospital.

He got mauled
by a fucking buffalo.

Some asshole stole his phone.
That's why he hasn't texted.

- Oh, my God, I'm such a bitch.
- Do you want me to come with you?

Probably not, right?

All right, bye.

Let her go, man.

Sometimes the heart
is a lonely hunter.

Do you want to cry?
I'll fucking cry for you.

Do you want to make out with me?

No? Kenny, you can come too.

You look like a watcher.

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOANS)

He's waking up, dude.

I can't just leave it.
It says "DOUCHEBA"...

- No one's gonna get it.
- The public will understand.

- This is my art.
- Stop being such a diva.

(GIGGLING)

Fuck, dude... we gotta go!

What the fuck?

MILLER:
Top floor, baby, top floor!

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

- What the hell is this?
MILLER: - Holy shit.

- What is this place?
CASEY: - OK, shit just got weird.

Congratulations, players.

You've completed
the Tower of Power.

- You PJ Brill?
- Please, call me Tower Master.

These are my sweet bitches.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- What's up, sweet bitches?

- Look, we're friends with Jeff Chang...
- Now, here is your reward.

Gold beads?
You gotta be kidding me, dude.

All right, are you fucking serious, man?

I want more than gold fucking beads.

Miller, it's not
about the beads, man.

They gave me 50 bucks
for this whole party, all right?

Fifty bucks!
The chair, it was 40! All right?

These chicks, I'm paying them
five bucks each tonight.

So maybe you guys
could cut me a break.

Maybe he can cut us a break
'cause I just chugged a gallon of milk.

Went through your little rat race.
I'm all excited, get to the top floor

and look what I got, look at this.

I have a baby wizard Elvis
with gold beads.

I'm sorry you got free booze
and free milk. Shit!

My fault, buddy! OK, do you know
how much milk costs?

- Like, it's more than gasoline.
- We're friends with Jeff Chang...

Hey, can I get my banana? These dudes
are like stressing me. Thanks.

- OK, who are we talking about?
- Jeff Chang. He used to live here.

You were his RA.
The cops came in here...

Oh, yeah, yeah!

He got super wasted and we're
just trying to get him home.

No, I don't know where
that little psycho lives, man.

Why you calling him a psycho?
What's that about?

Dude, the guy got arrested
for attempted murder, right?

BOTH: - What?
- Yeah, that's fucking psycho, right?

- Murder? Are you kidding me?
- Bullshit. Who did he try to kill?

I don't know, but he had a gun
and he fucking used it, dude.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- Yeah. Right?

You know, the boy's a little nuts.

Coming from a man in a diaper,
eating a banana.

OK, I get it.

I might not look
like your average dude. OK?

MILLER: - That's for sure.
- But I've got bitches

and I've got goblets and
I wake up in the morning happy.

CASEY: - Miller...
- Your nipples are just

- looking right at me.
- What the fuck, man?

- Uh, thanks for nothing.
- OK.

- PJ Brill, you fucking weirdo.
CASEY: - Let's get out of here.

Have some beer, have some milk.

I'll try to get iPods for you guys
next time. That'd be great, right?

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
- This is bullshit.

You don't think Jeff Chang
actually tried to kill someone, do you?

No, I don't. I think Jeff Chang is fine.
I think everything is fine.

- Look at that asshole.
- Yeah, what an idiot.

- Wait. Is that Jeff Chang?
MILLER: - What is he wearing?

CASEY:
Oh, my God, he's drinking again.

- Fuck me!
- Move.

- Jeff Chang! We're coming!
- Put the bottle down, buddy!

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHATTERING)

- Yeah! (LAUGHING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Mommy, look at me dance!
Look at me dance!

Look at me dance!

- Holy shit!
- Oh, my God.

Suck my dick, bear!

Suck my motherfucking dick, bear!

Yeah! (LAUGHING)

Hey, chipmunk, hey,
I'm one of the good guys.

We're gonna get you
some clothes, OK?

It's all gonna be OK.

You'll never catch me alive.

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

Ah, fuck!

- Fuck!
(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYING)

(SHRIEKING)
- I'm gonna kick his ass!

We're not gonna kick your ass!
We do need you to come back, though!

(LAUGHING, SHRIEKING)

(CAR ALARMS BLARING)

(SCREECHING)

(POLICE SIREN CHIRPS)
- Whoo!

Oh, shit! Lookit...

- It's the big bad po-po!
- Get down, sir.

Get down immediately.

- What are you doing, sir?
- I think he's getting down.

- Yeah, I know, I see that.
- I'm just saying, technically,

he's doing what you asked him to do.

What the fuck?

OK, sir,
please remove yourself...

- He's our friend!
(TIRES SCREECHING)

What the hell is this?

- Dr. Chang! Hi. What are you...
- Hey.

- It's so good to see you, man!
- Great to see you.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING IN CAR)
- Where's my son?

He's home. He's in bed.
He's sleeping.

- Why don't I believe you?
- Because you're suspicious and mean?

- I'm sorry.
- Yeah, touch my fucking ass, dude!

- Come on! OK. OK.
(JEFFCHANG LAUGHING)

Hey! Why are you asking
about Jeffrey? ls everything OK?

I have reason to believe that
the three of you have been out drinking.

What? No. We put Jeff to bed
at like nine o'clock, right, Miller?

Yeah, we watched Cold Case,
made paninis and then went to bed.

Yeah, then Miller and I came out
for a drink, or nine. (LAUGHS)

What? (LAUGHS)

Your parents must be
so proud of you.

- Get him!
- Free OJ!

- Free the dolphins!
- Hm...!

Fuck you, cop!

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
- Fuck.

Oh, you kids today.

Every one of you is spoiled,
drunk and fat!

- Oh, my God, right?
- Thank you, sir.

- Appreciate it.
CASEY: - Look.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

- Miller, look.
- Fuck that!

(CRICKETS CHIRRING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Here are tonight's winners.

(BABBLING)

(SHOUTING)

Jesus.

CASEY: I feel like someone
should break those two up, right?

Do you see your friend or what?

No, is there anywhere else
you might have taken him?

- Jeffrey Reginald Chang?
- Yeah.

- Ooh...
- What? What is it?

They've taken him
to Health Services.

- What does that mean?
- I wouldn't want to speculate.

Look, I'm sure he's OK.

No, he's not OK, Miller.
He could be in a coma.

- You understand that?
- No, yeah. Absolutely.

All right, how do we get
to Health Services?

- You're gonna wanna go...
- I can take you.

Who are you? Why is
she wearing an orange vest?

I'm Cara.
I'm a campus security escort.

- Why don't you come with me?
- Of course you are.

- I will come with you. Casey.
- What?

- She's an escort. Whatever.
- She not that kind of escort.

No, I love the name Cara.
In fact, my mother's name is Cara.

Your mother's name is Beth.
Everybody knows that.

Yeah, but I call her Cara,
sometimes.

But, Cara, where are
your people from? Italy?

- Mexico.
- Latinas.

- Whoa... ladies...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa...

A lot of Latinas.
Ladies, let's just talk about this.

(WHISPERS) What the fuck?
- What the fuck, dude?

MILLER: - Where the fuck are we?
CASEY: - I don't like this.

- What are you freaks looking at?
- Why are we here?

- What the fuck is going on right now?
- I don't want to be here.

- Why aren't you guys saying anything?
- Holy shit, dude.

- We are shackled.
- Why are we shackled?

Why are you wearing
a fucking tube sock?

Why are you wearing a sock?

- They match. Whose socks are these?
- We are so fucked.

WOMAN:
Welcome to the Tribunal of Justice.

What?

WOMAN: These two men stand accused
of infiltrating our sacred home,

violating the dignity
of two of our pledges,

and destroying
our award-winning rose garden.

Look, if I could just respond
to all that...

- What sayest the sisterhood?
ALL: - Guilty as charged!

MILLER: OK, look,
in our country, America,

usually there's like a trial
and some evidence and shit!

- You're not just guilty.
- The punishment shall match the crime.

The aggrieved may enter
the circle of vengeance.

The circle of what? Hold on.
Holy shit, look who it is.

Holy shit, these chicks
are gonna tear us up.

WOMAN: - Assume the position.
- Wait, actually, you know what?

I didn't even spank them.
That was all him. I wasn't even...

- What are you...?
- Fuck you, dude. I'm sorry.

Punishment grows more severe
every second you delay.

- Ready, sister?
- Ready.

WOMAN: Assume the position.

- OK, OK, OK.
- Oh, my God.

OK, Chantelle, I have a rare
skin condition on my upper thighs,

so if you could
just avoid that area.

- Oh, yeah, totally.
- Thanks, Chantelle.

I'll totally watch it while I just...

Oh, my God, holy shit!

- Oh, my God!
BOTH: - Ow! Ow!

CASEY: You just had to fuck
with these girls, didn't you?

(WOMEN CHUCKLING)
- Holy shit!

Yeah, when a lady asks you to spank
her ass, you spank that ass!

Oh, great. You know what?
You are fucking unbelievable, man!

- It's called having manners, Casey!
- Fuck my face!

Enough. Turn around.

CASEY: It hurts. It hurts.

It hurts.

Look, Goat Mask Lady...

Please.

- I mean, like, we're really sorry.
- Yeah.

We're just trying to get
our friend Jeff Chang home.

- Justice has been served...
- Oh, thank God.

...for the first offense.

- What?
- To address the second offense,

the offenders will
now commence making out.

- Oh, fuck! Yeah, right.
- What?

You guys really
don't want to see that.

That's a joke,
that's disgusting. You're weird.

WOMAN: The longer you wait,
the longer the kiss.

- Look, there's no way I'm kissing him.
- Yeah I'm sorry, that's just...

All those who want to see
the offenders kiss,

- stomp your feet.
(ALL STOMPING)

That's unfair!
Clearly we're outnumbered.

MILLER: Yeah, OK, look, you guys
can stomp your feet all you want,

there's no way
I'm making out with a dude!

Do it. Or be forever branded
with the mark of the sisterhood.

CASEY: Holy shit.

Dude, I can't get branded.

I'm gonna like not be able
to get buried in a Jewish cemetery or...

Fuck it.

Really?

Fuck it, dude.

I just... I wish you were wearing more
than a tube sock, but fuck it, baby.

I really wish you
didn't call me baby.

OK.

- Tongue?
- Of course, tongue.

Really? You had to fucking ask
for tongue?

I'm sorry, that was stupid.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

- Oh, grab his boobie.
- You never even did that.

Do it, offender.

Dude, are you getting
a chubby right now?

Dude, I can't help it. You're
actually kind of a good kisser.

You know what?
I'm fucking done.

(BIRDS TWITTERING)

- None of that ever happened.
- Ever.

- Hi, how are you?
- Hi.

We need to find
some clothes, man.

We'll get some
at Health Services.

(WOLF WHISTLE)

- Thanks, dude.
- Hey.

CASEY: All right,
it's already 6:00 a.m.

We gotta hurry up
and get Jeff Chang.

MILLER: Dude, if I walk any
faster my sock's gonna fall off.

- This is all your fault.
- What?

You made Jeff Chang go out,
got him wasted,

you fucked with the Latin sorority
girls, you pulled a gun out on Randy.

OK, look, you cannot pin
all this on me, Casey.

You're the reason why we are
currently walking through campus

at six in the morning wearing
only socks on our cocks!

OK. I'm sorry for trying
to show you guys a good time.

You know what, man, we're done. OK?
When this is over don't e-mail me,

- don't text me, don't call me...
- Whoa!

...don't poke me...
you and me are fucking over!

Oh, and another thing,
Sidewinder sucks!

Take it back.

It's hot, it's dirty,
the people are gross,

and half the acts are fucking DJs.

Why would I want
to spend a week of my life

watching some asshole
in a pink track suit

play his fucking iPod for me?

Because your friends
are gonna be there...

I'm not going to some
stupid fucking music festival

just to preserve the illusion that
we're still friends because we're not.

We're not still friends
anymore, Miller.

OK. It's cool, man.

So since we're not friends, I can tell
you how fucking lame you've been.

I can tell you that you probably
should go to Wall Street

and that you should spend the funnest
years of your life in an office.

Working for the man,
wearing a cute little suit.

It's called growing up, dude.
Why don't you look into it?

I don't need to grow up, bro,
you need to grow down.

- That's not even an expression!
- Well, today it is! OK?

Do you remember what it's like
to have fun, to be cool,

to give a shit
about your friends?

- You've changed.
- Oh, my God.

You don't have fucking balls
anymore. You're a little bitch.

Well, you know what, man? You're just
the fucking same desperate, low-life,

- fucking loser that you've always been.
- Yeah?

- Yeah. So fucking kudos to you, man!
- Don't fucking push me. Don't start...

You're a fucking dick, dude!
Fucking white trash!

- Fucking hands off!
(BOTH GRUNTING)

Yeah, take it, bitch!

CASEY: - Fucking asshole!
MILLER: - Could fight...

- You fight like a girl.
(GRUNTING)

(OFFICE PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Health Services,
how can I direct your call?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER PA)

WOMAN: I'll call you back.

Mental Health, third floor.

- You're hilarious.
- We're hereto pick up our friend.

Name of patient?

Jeffrey Reginald Chang.

Plus if you had any clothes,
that would be greatly appreciated.

He's here. Let me get his file.

MILLER: And if you could please
hurry up, we're in a rush here.

Thank God I don't know
anyone at this school.

Casey?

Nicole. Hi.

Um... where are your clothes?

We just got jumped by some girls.
It's a long story.

- I bet.
- What are you doing here?

Um... Randy got mauled
by a buffalo, remember?

Right, yes! How is that guy?

- He's fine, I guess.
- Yeah?

I mean, I came over hereto check on him
and he got all agro on me again.

And then, I got pissed
and we broke up.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

So, we're pretty much done.

- Really?
- Hm-mm.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, Oh, it's fine.

I mean, we weren't
really that serious.

- But, still, I mean...
- Yeah, it was a long time coming.

- OK.
- Anyway...

...it looks like I'm going
to South America by myself now, so...

- Oh, right, the trip.
- Hm-mm.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, I'm still going.

Cool.

Yeah, my flight leaves
in a few hours, so...

...I guess this is goodbye.

OK.

Bye.

- Can I go with you?
- No thanks, I'm good.

OK, well, whenever
you're not good,

I'll be right here,
reading Perfect Bride.

(QUIET SCOFF)

What, I can't read
Perfect Bride, bro?

I'm sorry, Jeffrey Chang
is on 24-hour hold.

He can't be released
until tomorrow morning.

- What?
- No, he's gotta be home by 7:00 a.m.

- Why is he on hold?
(SIGHS) It's confidential.

Oh, it's confidential, Casey.
Give me that.

Hey! Give that back immediately!
Give me that! You, stop!

My God, look how many times
he's been in here, man.

Give that back to me,
you little shit!

Oh, my God.

"Patient was brought in
for attempted murder.

Later determined his weapon
misfired during a suicide attempt."

Jeff Chang tried
to commit suicide?

Get out. Now!

Dude, what the fuck is going on?

I mean, Jeff Chang
was always the happy one.

What were we supposed to do?
He didn't tell us anything.

Dude, look, fuck that. OK?

We are his best friends, and he felt
like he couldn't even call us.

That sucks.

We suck.

What happened, man?

We used to be so close and...

Ah, fuck.

(DOOR OPENING)

- Thanks, Erin.
- No problem, Gary. See you next time.

Jesus, not The Chief again.

What's up, Chief?

Oh, hey, dudes.
How was your night?

- Pretty terrible, actually.
- Tell me about it.

I ripped two sheets of LSD
and spent the whole night

dancing in front of my house again.

Now I gotta go teach.

Wait. Did The Chief just say

he was dancing in front of his house
the whole night?

- Yeah, so what?
- That's it!

- What's it?
- Oh, my God, that's it!

What's it?
What are you talking about?

OK. So, the first time
we saw The Chief

was in front
of Jeff Chang's place, right?

And then we saw him
like nine more times.

Right, and we thought that he was
just wandering around campus all night,

just like we were.
But what if he wasn't?

What if The Chief was
in the exact same place the entire time?

Then that would mean we walked past
Jeff Chang's place a dozen times.

- Oh, my God!
- Yes, and that's why Jeff Chang

kept mumbling those Indian chants.

It was because he was trying
to tell us where he lived.

It's like The Da Vinci Code
except it makes sense.

Oh, my God, we are officially the two
biggest morons in the entire world.

Yeah. Hey, Chief,
where do you live?

- Um... Fifth and Broadway.
- Fifth and Broadway.

All right, so wait,
here's what we gotta do.

- We gotta break Jeff Chang out.
- Break him out.

- Get him home, gotta get him sober...
- Sober him up.

...and then we gotta
get him showered and dressed

before his dad shows up,
which is in 36 minutes.

- That sounds totally impossible.
- Yeah?

Well, I'm not gonna let
Jeff Chang down again.

No, let's get that
little fucker home.

Wait, wait.
Are we best friends again?

- No.
- Right. No, I'm not either.

Cool.

(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYS)

(DOOR BUZZING)

Hey, hey, you can't be in here!

- Jeff Chang!
- Jeff Chang!

- Jeff Chang!
- God, God!

(INDISTINCT PA CHATTER)

- Jeff Chang!
- Jeff Chang!

Have you seen a little Asian
with shit on his face? No? Thank you.

- Jeff Chang!
- Jeff Chang!

CASEY: - Hey, he's in here!
MILLER: - Nice!

We're gonna break you out,
buddy.

- Jeff Chang!
- He's barely coherent.

(MOANING)

Man, how're we gonna
get him outta here?

There's like orderlies everywhere!

Casey.
I just had an awesome idea.

This is definitely
not an awesome idea.

MILLER: It'll be fine.
I've done this a thousand times.

CASEY:
No, that's what you said last time.

Hey, you gotta trust me.
Now bring him a little to the left. OK.

No, no, we gotta
pull him back up.

MILLER: That's the Spirit Mobile.
It's super tall.

- I don't like this ride, guys.
CASEY: - No, it's too far down!

- Pull him back up!
- OK. You're right. Let's pull him up.

- Oh, shit!
- Miller!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, my God!
Did we just kill Jeff Chang again?

- Where's...? Where's the Spirit Mobile?
- I don't know. It was right here.

Oh, no. Did they drive off
with Jeff Chang on it?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

I thought it was only 20 feet.
How am I supposed to know?

(HONKING)

Come on, guys.
Get in. We're late.

- What the fuck?
- Randy, look!

It's the guys who stole
your smart phone.

- Fuckers.
- Why are they taking your truck, Randy?

- Get out of the Spirit Mobile!
- Oh shit! Go, go, go!

- Go!
- You're dead!

Hey!

(RAP SONG PLAYING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)

- Bitch.
- Hey, what was that all about?

Don't worry about it,
just drive, drive, drive.

(EXHALES)

- How'd you even start the car?
- The keys were in the ignition.

Fuck! I'm so late.
My dad's gonna kill me.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

(RAP SONG CONTINUES)

Hey, why is there a teddy bear
glued to my penis?

No idea, no idea
how that could have happened.

I miss you guys.

How come we never
hang out anymore?

- Wrong lane, wrong lane!
- Wrong lane!

(SCREAMING) You're in the wrong lane!
(HONKING)

Oh, my God, Jeff Chang,
you're fucking crazy right now!

I feel really alert right now.

- I feel like Spider-Man.
- What?

I just really wish I had my contacts on.

- Oh, my God!
- Fuck!

Parking meter, parking meter,
parking meter...!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Oh, my God, Oh, my God...

Oh, shit! What are you doing?
What are you doing?

(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES)

(RAP SONG CONTINUES)
(JEFFCHANG LAUGHING)

Hit the brake, dude.
Dude, hit the brake! Hit the brake!

- No, stop!
- Dude, do it!

- Get off!
(TIRES SQUEALING)

- Ow!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTS)

Look, I don't want to die.
I want to go back to college.

I want to go to Alaska, I want
to make out with a black chick!

- I wanna fuck Casey's sister!
- What?

- You dropped out of school?
- Yeah!

Why would you do that, Miller?

Turn around and drive the car, please!

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, my God, we're going to jail.
We're going to jail.

- I can shake them, no problem.
- No, don't shake them.

- Don't shake them!
(TIRES SQUEALING)

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- Whoa!

CASEY: We're not on the street anymore.
This is not where cars go.

Cars don't go here.
Cars don't go here, Jeff Chang!

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, my God. Are your eyes open?

- Fuck you.
- I can't tell.

- Oh, no. Oh, my God.
- Out of my way, nerds!

Hey, did you see that guy?

Casey, we need to neutralize the target

'cause he doesn't know
what the fuck's going on right now.

- Come on, guys.
MILLER: - Shit, shit, shit.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(LAUGHING)

(GASPING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Yeah, maybe I shouldn't be driving.

(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES)

It's 6:51, we have nine minutes to clean
him up before his dad gets here.

Guys, my back hurts.

Yeah, we threw you out
a third-story window onto a SUV.

- What? Why would you do that?
MILLER: - You told us to.

JEFFCHANG: Why would I say that?

MILLER: Because we're your best friends.
We love you.

CASEY: Get him in the house!
Get him in!

What do we do about the bear?

I don't know, man, just fucking
hold him or something.

- Oh, my God.
- Let's go.

- Holy shit! What are you doing?
- Pull harder.

- I don't want to rip his dick off!
- I don't want that either!

- Fuck you!
- Seriously, pull harder, dude!

I don't know, man, Jeff Chang has
a super stretchy penis!

- Pull harder, dude!
- I'm trying to!

(JEFFCHANG SCREAMS)
- Fucking come on!

(SCREAMING)
- Oh, my God!

Dude, we just circumcised Jeff Chang.

- Who cares? Get him in the bathroom.
- Come on, buddy!

Dude, I can't believe
we actually pulled this off.

Yeah, of course we did, man,
we're fucking awesome.

- Small arms.
- Whatever. Come on.

- There we go.
- I don't know if I can do this.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah, what do you mean?

I mean, like, I don't know
if I want go to med school

or be a doctor or any of it.

- Now you fucking tell us?
CASEY: - Miller, shut up.

No, dude, are you serious?
I fucking kissed a guy for you!

- Miller!
- What?

Yeah, I kissed Casey.
It was fucking gross.

- Yeah.
- Miller, shut up.

- What?
CASEY: - Let him talk.

Look, I'm sort of losing
my shit up here.

We heard that you tried to off yourself.

- Miller, really?
- What?

- Why'd you do it, man?
- I didn't.

- So then, what...?
- I mean, I did, sort of. I...

I was up for 72 hours studying.
I was cracked out on pills.

I was literally
hallucinating in my room,

but I didn't actually try to...

Right.
I do weird shit when I hallucinate too.

Yeah.

- You know?
- The doctors say I'm not suicidal.

They just think I'm fucking
stressed out of my mind.

- I mean, you guys know my dad.
- Yeah.

Yeah. He's been
riding me my whole life

to go to med school and be
a doctor, but I hate medicine.

I suck in science.
I'm fucking miserable.

- So, don't do it.
- Yeah. Fuck it.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- Oh, shit, he's here. What should I do?

Honestly, I think you
have to tell him the truth, man.

I think that's pretty obvious
to everybody in this room.

- You gotta tell him the truth.
- Oh, my God, you guys are so white.

What?
Dude, that's really racist.

Yeah. White people
have feelings too, man.

I can't just tell him the truth.

I come from like five generations
of doctors. I'm the first-born son.

This is what's expected of me.

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
- Fuck!

Dude, it's the rest of your life, man.
Stop being such a fucking pussy.

He's your dad, dude.
He'll understand.

- I promise.
- Yeah.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- Whoo!
(ALL YELLING)

- Holy shit!
- What the fuck?

You just got rocked, boy!

- You OK, buddy?
- What?

- Bat me.
- That was so hot, Randy.

Look, man, we're sorry that we stole
your truck, but like, calm down, man.

- Oh, no, this isn't about my truck.
(ALL SHOUTING)

- OK! OK!
- Chill, chill!

Oh, that lamp will
never work again, Randy!

- Yeah!
- OK, OK, OK, what is this about?

- Is this about your phone?
- Right, OK, we're sorry, Randy,

that we stole your truck
and your cell phone.

- This ain't about my phone neither.
- Wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Stop!
- Bitch!

That's my fucking boom box, man.

- What is it about? Is it about Nicole?
- Calm down!

Oh, my God, you didn't
even close with Nicole.

Yeah, but I was really close,
right?

No, there's no such thing as
almost fucking his girlfriend.

You either fucked his girlfriend
or you didn't.

- Stop talking, assholes!
- He didn't fuck your girlfriend!

- No, no, no, no.
- He didn't fuck your girlfriend!

- That's what I'm saying.
- Is this a joke?

I almost... I almost did.

Then you've almost
fucked every girl you know.

This is not about my truck
or my phone...

...or... my... girl!

- That's my laptop!
- Fuck your laptop!

Get a desktop, bitch!

You know what? This is definitely
about the dart in the face.

Honestly, I completely forgot about
the dart in your face. Are you OK?

- He's had a really rough night too.
- Shut up!

Come on, Randy! Do what I said,
fuck me in the ass, Randy!

What?

I mean, fuck them in the ass!
Just...

- What...
- The hell is going on here?

- Oh, shit.
- Fuck.

- Who the fuck is this guy?
- Hey.

I'm Jeffrey's father.
Who the fuck are you?

I'm Randy.

- He's Randy.
- That's Randy.

OK, Randy... I'm here to take my son
to his interview.

Well, he's not going with you, so why
don't you just get the fuck outta here?

Oh, no, he's definitely
coming with me.

Oh, shit.

Look, old man... don't make me
beat you in front of your son.

I wouldn't do that.

(GRUNTING)
(ALL SHOUTING)

- Holy shit!
- Shit!

(GRUNTING)
ALL: - Whoa!

That's what fucking happens, man.

(GROANS) Oh, your dad's a dick.
Oh, my arm.

You should probably stay down.

Let's go!

OK, you need to tell him that you
don't want to be a doctor right now.

I don't think this is a good time.

- Just fucking tell him.
- No. You tell him.

- No, no, no.
- I'm not fucking telling him.

- You fucking tell him.
- You fucking tell him.

MILLER: - You're not a pussy.
JEFFCHANG: - I am a pussy.

MILLER: - Tell him right now.
- Let's go, Jeffrey.

MAN: Holy shit...

Uh...

No, I'm not going.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't want to go to med school.

- I don't want to be a doctor.
- Jeffrey.

I'm not...
No, I'm not a kid anymore, Dad.

I'm 21 years old and...
from here on out,

I'm gonna decide what I do
with my life and that's that.

What are you gonna do? Throw me off
a roof? These guys already did that.

(CHUCKLES) OK.

I get it.

- See, I told you he'd understand, man.
- I get it.

You're even dumber
than I thought.

- Get in the goddamn car, Jeffrey.
- No. No.

- You ungrateful little shit.
- Dad!

I can't believe I raised a worthless
piece of shit like you...

Oh, shit! Dude, what?

- That's my friend!
- Miller! Miller!

- That's my friend, dude.
- Just calm down.

No, Dad.

Why don't you just leave?

Just leave.

Now.

(DOOR SLAMMING)
- Yeah,

you just punched
my dad in the face.

I know. It felt good, though.

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, man.

My dad's a dick, too.

I, uh... I'm sorry I broke
your apartment.

What the fuck is this?

(SIGHS)
Just listen to your heart.

- Listen to your heart.
- Yeah. All right, man. OK.

- Nice apology, Randy.
- That was heartfelt, Randy.

MAN: - See ya, guys!
(DOOR CLOSING)

- Who are those guys?
- Those guys are the weirdest guys.

- They're so weird.
- Yeah.

MILLER: - Dude, another good birthday.
- Yeah.

(LAUGHING)
- Yeah.

So, what are you gonna do now?

God, I don't know. You know,
I can do whatever the fuck I want.

You know, for once in my life, I don't
have to do what other people tell me.

I'm just gonna travel
and write music again and...

Fuck it. You know,
I'm just gonna live my life.

Yeah.

I'm glad you guys came.

Seriously, thanks for
being such good friends.

Yeah, dude.

Me and Casey will always
be there for you.

- I gotta go.
- What?

- Sorry, just... I'll call you.
- Yeah, way to ruin the moment, dick!

Love you guys! Good job standing
up to your dad, Jeff Chang!

My fucking dick hurts.
(CHUCKLES)

(UP-TEMPO SONG PLAYS)

Nicole, Nicole! Wait, wait.
No, no, no! Stop, stop!

Don't go! Don't...

God damn it! Fuck.

Fuck.

Why are you yelling
at my roommate?

But...

- Hey.
- I lent her my car while I'm traveling.

Oh, that's great.

(SIGHS) Um...

Was there something
you wanted to ask me?

Yes. Yeah.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(LAUGHING)

MILLER: God, look at all these freaks.
I love this!

All right, guys, but seriously,
tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.,

I have my big admissions
interview at Northern.

So don't let me get too stupid.

I'm so psyched you're
going back to college, dude.

- Yeah.
- But seriously,

don't let me get too messed up.
It's really important to me.

- Of course, man.
- OK.

- We'll take care of you, dude.
- Yeah.

- OK.
- Yeah.

You're our little baby tonight.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(STEADY CLICKING)

MILLER: Shit, shit, shit!

Shit, I am so fucking late!

Ooh! I am so sorry that I'm late,
this is not like me.

This is actually
very unprofessional.

You would not believe
what happened to me last night.

I've been taking my academics really
serious lately so this is a shock to me.

But I'm very serious about this
university, I want you to know that.

- You know, I'm just trying to...
- Oh, hey, man, how you doin'?

No way. Oh, my God! Chief!

(LAUGHS)
Dude, you look like shit!

(UP-TEMPO ROCK SONG PLAYS)

(English - US - PSDH)