Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

I'm Erin.

I'm an addict.

Checking in with myself,

I haven't had the best week ever.

I had a pretty major screw-up at work.

It's totally my fault.

I, uh... can't blame anyone but myself.

And, um, I feel... embarrassed.

I feel... disappointed in myself.

And I have that voice that says,

you know, "You're a failure. You'll always be a failure."

And it's like, God, if I could just have something.

You know, anything.

To help get me out of my own head.

A glass of wine, maybe. You know?

Just one glass.

What's that gonna hurt?

My career, my relationship.

That's what that one glass would hurt.

And it hit me. You know?

I have so much to lose.

And that used to scare me, but now I, uh...

I realize how lucky I am to say that.

My mom, my sister, my ex.

They all think I'm crazy, but, uh...

my partner doesn't and...

I'm grateful for that.

And I'm grateful for all of you.

I'm grateful for today.

Thanks.

Um, hi, I'm Will, and I'm an addict.

Um...

I'm doing okay, actually. Um...

All right,

I felt like sharing today because, uh,

I've had a pretty big change in my life, recently.

Um, I've met someone.

And...

I wasn't expecting it, but...

Now I'm starting to feel like I can...

at least, see a future with her.

Um...

Yeah.

I'm even starting to feel like asking her to move in with me.

But... No, I don't know

if that's the right thing right now.

You know, for the moment,

she only sees what I want her to see.

And I'm worried that if she moves in,

you know, she'll see it all.

She'll see me for who I really am, and...

I'm worried that will scare her off.

What's up, man?

Fuck.

Heard you got clean.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Good for you, man.

Um... You're the reason.

Well, to being clean, then, huh?

You think people like us ever really change?

Um...

I mean, it's...

It's work, you know? But, uh...

Yeah, I do.

And it's been working for me, so.

I'm not you.

We're addicts, you know? We're all the same.

I mean, I have no skills.

And I'm a convicted felon.

And there's no place in this world for me.

You got your music.

I could have a band.

I mean, unless...

I haven't touched a bass in years, man.

Do you miss it, though?

I haven't had time to think about that life.

Yeah, time's all I got.

Well...

One day at a time, you know?

One day at a time.

Fuck, man. If I wanted platitudes,

I'd just go to a meeting.

What do you want?

I don't know if I can do this.

Do what?

Just this, man. This...

This fucking life.

What life do you want?

Just the way things used to be.

I can't help you, man.

You know, I got my girl coming now.

So, you don't want me here.

Hey!

Have a good night.

Who was that?

Just an old friend.

- Hey. - What did he want?

Nothing.

Where have you been?

Driving around, looking for work.

Did you find any? At this hour?

You took my car without asking me.

You don't answer your phone.

Yeah, I wanted to be left alone.

Can I see your eyes?

Let me see.

I'm going to bed.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Chris.

Chris!

God, I hate to see you so isolated

and I know you must feel just...

lost.

I know you think I don't understand, but I do.

And I'm here, and I want you to know.

You'll always have me.

I promise.

Okay, goodnight.

Chris.

Chris, open the door.

Chris, open the door!

Chris. Open the door, please.

Chris, open the door.

Chris!

Open this door, now, please!

Please?

Please, Chris.

Your phone.

There will be a service,

I hope you can come. It would mean a lot to me and...

Bye. Bye, Will.

What's up?

Will?

What'd he do?

He died, Doug.

Where did they find him?

Last night in his room.

At your house?

Was it a...

Was it an accident?

- Hello! - Hey!

Hi.

How was your day?

It was good. I got you something.

- What's this? - Open it.

What it is?

You didn't have to do this.

Come on, do you even own a tie?

No.

Try it on.

Come here.

So, I was thinking about coming with you

to the funeral tomorrow.

I appreciate you wanting to...

come with me.

I just think it's best I do this on my own.

You don't have to worry about me.

Holy shit.

I didn't think you'd actually make it.

I haven't seen you in...

- Forever. - Forever.

He talked a lot about you, you know?

Yeah.

What did he say?

Talked about getting the band back together.

He kept writing while he was inside.

It's a fucking shame we'll never hear it, but...

You still sober?

I am, yeah.

Yourself?

Um...

Not as strong as you.

You know, neither was he.

I'm not better than you, him, or anyone else.

Well, maybe I'll see you around.

Or not.

Either way, it's all right.

Who is it?

Hey, um...

Claire, it's Will.

Will, come in.

Oh, hey. I'm sorry, just...

I wanted to...

I'm sorry.

I know.

- You okay? - Are you?

No.

Here, sit down.

Yeah.

I didn't see you at the funeral, were you there?

- You know, I wanted to be there. - Oh, no. No.

Oh, God.

God, you look so good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- I'm doing okay. - Yeah?

Yeah.

I wish Chris could've seen you like this.

It just means so much that you came.

We missed you.

You heard about Chris?

What about Chris?

He died.

Jesus, Will.

He just got out of prison.

Came around here looking for you,

why did he need to see you so bad?

No reason.

- No reason? - No.

Come here.

- What? - Come here.

Wanna roll up your sleeves?

- I'm clean, Dad. - Nothing to hide, then, right?

All right?

How's Claire doing?

Well...

like somebody who just lost their son.

Yeah. Caring for somebody like that takes its toll.

Sure did on your mom.

But you know that, don't you?

That it, then?

What do you mean?

You only come here when you need something,

well, what do you want?

I don't want anything.

Good.

And your dad, what's he like?

I don't know.

Let me guess.

Some mysterious...

brooding, quiet type.

Keeps everything bottled up inside.

When do I get to meet him?

Well, never. Hopefully.

Are you embarrassed of me?

No! No, no, no. It is not you.

It's me he'd have the problem with.

Maybe just the old you.

No, I saw him when I went back.

He hasn't changed.

It's like he sees me, and...

All he can see is my mom.

And that she's gone.

Well, he just misses her.

It's not that simple.

He blames me.

He blames you?

You know that's not real, right?

It's hard to process grief.

Some people blame themselves,

some people blame other people.

He has his reasons.

You know what?

I don't need to meet him.

Could just be you and me.

Just you and me.

Just us.

I like that.

Hi, Will, it's Claire.

I was calling to tell you that I've been thinking

about you and Chris, and...

There's something of his that I know...

I know he'd want you to have.

I was hoping to give it to you in person.

Um...

Are you free tonight?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, sure.

Okay, great. Maybe we can grab a bite.

I'll just call you

and let you know where we can meet up.

Good, thank you. Uh... So, I'll see you later, then.

Yeah, all right. Bye.

No, I don't wanna talk about me.

Please don't ask me how I'm doing.

Don't ask me anything.

Just... Let's talk about you.

- Talk about me? - Yeah.

What do you wanna know?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah, um...

Yeah, I do.

And what's she like?

- She's, um, she's sweet. - Yeah?

She's a good person.

She's a nursing assistant, so.

She takes care of you.

Good.

It's not that easy taking care of someone like me.

No, don't say that.

- It's true. - No.

Not many people could do what you did, really.

Chris couldn't.

I wish you two would've stayed friends.

I really do.

Maybe he would've seen

that there was, you know, a different path to take.

You know?

I wasn't that person for him.

No, you did what you could.

No, I enabled him.

My threats were all empty and he knew

no matter what he did I would take him back.

You were there for him.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

His dad asked me if I thought it was an accident.

What do you think?

God, I...

I don't know.

You were close to him.

Tell me. Please.

I just can't stop thinking that

he knew exactly what he was doing.

What do you think?

How could I possibly know what he was thinking?

I think that...

I do.

Excuse me.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Do you wanna put on this?

Here, can I...? Here. Let me put this on.

Let me help you, here.

- There you go. - Okay, thank you.

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

- There, there, there. - Thank you.

- Thank you, thank you. - That's okay.

Oh, I wanted to give you this.

It was in Chris's room. I wanted to give it to you.

Yeah. Seven Edge.

Yeah.

I haven't listened to this in so long.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Okay, goodnight.

Uh, Claire? Hey, wait up!

Hey.

You're not trying to drive home.

I'm okay.

I don't think that's a good idea.

- Claire... - I'm fine, I promise.

Can I drive you home?

Yeah?

Come on.

Come on.

Can you get me a glass of water, please, Will?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Claire.

Claire.

Come here, come here.

You want some?

I'm good, I'm good.

Thank you.

All right, um, I should probably go.

Will you stay for me?

At least just until I fall asleep.

Please.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. - Thank you.

Oh, Claire.

I should go.

I should go.

Okay.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Hey!

Hi.

I didn't know you were coming in today.

Yeah.

How are you?

You know.

You know, if you ever want someone to talk to...

I'll call you. I promise.

I was...

thinking maybe somebody who'd...

be better at knowing what to say.

And I know a therapist. My therapist.

And I just think she'd be really good for you.

You think I've never talked to a shrink?

You don't have to go through this alone.

Do you want me to keep the boxwoods like this

or should I switch them?

Oh, yeah, that's fine.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Hey.

Where are you going?

To a meeting.

You're really going to a meeting right now?

Yes!

So you can go talk to strangers

but you can't talk to me?

You wouldn't understand.

- Hi! - Hey.

Come in.

You all right?

Yeah, yeah.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

I didn't wanna be alone.

But I couldn't be around other people.

Why did you come here?

It was always just me and Chris, you know?

It was the two of us, and now...

I just, I spent so much time just wanting my own life and...

I don't know.

I wanna go back.

I wanna go back and tell him I'm sorry.

How did you do it? How did you and your dad do it?

When your mom was dying.

She was the one that was sick.

I wasn't going through chemo.

I wasn't losing weight cause I can't keep food down.

In the end...

she was so frail,

I helped her go to the fucking bathroom.

You took care of her.

I mean...

most days, I...

come home from school

and I would just sit with her, while she was asleep.

They had her on meds to manage the pain.

So I sit, and I wait for her to fall asleep.

So I could take some.

There was this one time,

I'm sure she's sleeping,

so I take some.

When I look back at her,

she's staring right at me.

God.

Did you tell her that you were sorry?

No.

I wasn't there when she died.

Oh, my God.

We've both been through the same thing.

Caring for somebody who's so sick.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Except watch them waste away, you know.

You did everything you could.

When he came home that night,

I knew something was wrong.

He just...

walked into his room and I didn't stop him.

And I just feel like I fucking let him kill himself.

Hey, hey.

I do.

- That's not true. - No.

I feel a sense of relief.

I do.

It's okay.

It wasn't your fault.

You weren't there.

But you're here now.

You're here now.

Good morning.

- Hey, good morning. - Here you go.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Sit down.

Do you want cream or sugar, or anything?

- No, I'm good. Black. - Okay.

You didn't really have to go through all this trouble.

It wasn't any trouble.

What?

Nothing.

Will you come over, tonight?

Yeah.

Hey.

How was your meeting?

It was good.

Did you get out of your chest

whatever it was that had you so fucked up, last night?

I can't talk about it.

I talked about how much I need you.

And that you are the only thing in my life

that keeps me from using.

Is that true?

It's not fair for me to say that.

It's not fair on you.

It's not your responsibility to...

Hey!

I'm glad you told me.

And I'm sorry.

What are you sorry for?

Those meetings are your sanctuary.

I shouldn't make you feel guilty for that.

Okay?

What are you looking to do?

I've been thinking about doing

a little gardening at the front.

- Oh. - Figured you're the one to talk.

Yeah.

Well, this are seasonal, so...

Okay.

You looking for anything in particular?

What do you like?

Well, everybody is different, but myself,

I gravitate, actually, towards lilies.

- These lilies? - Yeah.

I like plants of that nature.

Okay.

But, why don't you look around

and, if you see anything you like,

you know, just let me know.

Yeah, okay.

I didn't just come in to look at the plants.

I came in to see you, you know?

See how you're doing.

I'm getting by.

But thanks.

I haven't gone through what you're going through, I just...

If you ever need somebody to talk to

or just somebody to listen, you know...

Phil, I'm just not a good company, right now.

Yeah.

You know what? I...

I think you're right, the lilies.

I'll take, what, six?

Make it eight. I'll meet you at the register.

- Thank you. - All right, thanks.

Hi, Will, it's Claire.

I wonder where you are.

I've...

Maybe, you just feel like being alone.

But, I'm here.

And I just don't want to have to worry about you.

So, just let me know you're okay.

And, I'd really love to hear your voice.

And that's all.

Okay, bye.

What

is this?

It's just the band I used to play in.

How come you never told me about this?

I don't know.

What are you doing?

Hey.

Actually, Becca...

Can you not play that, please?

Hey, Becca, I'm serious, I don't want to hear it.

All right, would you turn it off, now?

- I like it. - Becca, I'm serious!

Turn it off!

I said, turn it off!

I asked you not to play it.

Fuck.

I know what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You're blaming yourself for what happened with Chris.

You don't know what you're talking about.

So, tell me.

Or I could just go.

I lost my friend, recently.

He wasn't just my friend.

He was my best friend.

And we used to play in this band together.

He was really...

He was really special.

And, um...

He could've had a life.

But he started using.

Like me.

Because of me.

It was hard.

His last night he...

He came to see me.

You know, he came by.

I... I just couldn't stand the sight of him.

What I'd done to him.

I couldn't look at him.

So, I turned my back on him.

And now, he's gone.

Hi.

What's wrong?

Come inside. Come on.

Come on inside.

I just need you to know that I'm... I'm sorry.

What are you sorry for?

For Chris.

I know that.

I know.

Do you think

I don't wish I could go back in time and do something?

We can't.

You've nothing to feel sorry about.

I can't be here.

Hi.

Do I know you?

I don't think so.

I went to school with Chris, though.

He was a year ahead of me.

I only came over here because I saw you looking at me.

Thought maybe you were talking about me?

Were you talking about me?

I just told my friend what happened.

And, when you were telling her what happened,

what did you say?

Did you tell her that he killed himself?

No.

She just mentioned that you had...

lost your son.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was gentle.

He was a good person.

And it hurt.

I hope that's how you remember him.

Okay, we will.

Thank you.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I can see you're not fine.

No, really, I'm fine.

Listen, I have an appointment, later.

With my therapist.

With your permission, I would like to call her

and just see if you can go in my place.

You're not serious.

Claire...

I haven't lost a child.

I can't even...

pretend to know what that's like.

I just know that

when I was at my lowest point,

she helped me out.

If you won't go for yourself, then go for me.

Please?

As my friend, just...

go.

Can I ask you a question?

What would you like to know?

Do you have any kids?

I do not.

What about you?

I have a son.

Yeah.

What's your relationship with him like?

What did Linda tell you about me?

She told me she had a friend who needed someone to talk to.

Tell me about your son.

Yeah. He, he, he...

He's 25, will be 26 in August.

He used to be an addict.

But he's cleaned up, now.

- That's good. - Yeah, he's a good boy.

He's got a steady job.

He's got a girlfriend.

The girlfriend, do you like her?

I do, I do.

She takes good care of him.

Before now, you took care of him.

Yup.

Well, it was always just the two of us, so...

But not anymore.

Not anymore.

Hey.

Can I see you?

- Hey, Phil. - Hey. How are you?

- Hey. - Hey.

Come in.

Thank you.

I've been so busy

with the funeral and

all those details you don't know.

- I didn't know... - Yeah.

What song he wanted me to play, you know.

- It's hard. - Right?

And then...

I haven't really had any time to feel anything.

And, now, I'm trying to get my life back together and...

I just realize more and more.

I'm alone and I'm a loner.

Well, you and Doug have been divorced for a long time.

How come you never remarried?

I've had boyfriends.

Some good ones. It's just, they can't handle it.

- They couldn't handle Chris. - Yeah.

What about you? How come you never got married again?

Nah.

Not looking to replace Diane.

No, no, you can't replace someone you loved.

What's the point?

To not be alone.

I don't know. I...

still sleep on my side of the bed,

as if she's still there.

Phil, oh my God.

I just want us to be okay.

Will, I want us to be okay, too.

But...

I can't do this if you're not going to let me in.

I'm scared.

I'm scared that if you knew the real me...

That you'd leave.

And you wouldn't come back.

I've been pushing you away.

I thought I could be alone.

But I'm wrong.

I need you.

Please, stay with me.

Come here.

- I'm sorry. - What?

What?

I don't think I can.

I'm sorry.

Are you feeling guilty or...?

No, I don't feel guilt.

- Well, you shouldn't. - I don't.

I'm not to blame, so...

To blame for what?

All this... shit.

What shit?

You know, what happened to your boy,

and what happened to... Diane.

I really... I don't know what you're talking about.

Diane didn't just die from that cancer.

Seeing what Will had become...

The toll that that put on her...

What you're going through, right now.

No.

They're addicts, they're sick.

Claire, that's...

just an excuse.

It's just... bullshit.

You have your son. He's turned his life around.

After wrecking his family.

And yours.

- I mean... - How did he wreck my family?

Well, imagine Will never gets hooked.

He never gets Chris hooked.

Everybody's alive.

Living like normal people.

We'll never know.

No, we'll never know.

Well...

If Chris hadn't come to see Will that night,

things would be different.

What night?

His last night.

He told me he was looking for a job.

Yeah, more like out looking for dope.

- Hey. - Could you leave, please?

- Claire, I wasn't trying to... - No, please, leave.

- Please. - What did I say?

Please, leave. Please.

- Please. - Okay. I'm sorry.

Ew.

Morning.

No.

Why did you do that?

Because it's disgusting.

Well, if we're ever going to live together...

What?

I mean, I'm just saying that if we were to live together,

that is something you'd have to get used to.

Is this your way of asking me to live with you?

No.

No?

I mean,

I thought about it.

Because, if we're going to live together,

you're going to need to make some changes around here.

So, is that a no, then?

It's not... not a no.

Hey, where are you going?

Come here.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Can you wait here? - Yeah.

What are you doing here?

Um, I wanted to talk to you.

I'm letting myself in.

Thanks.

Wow.

Nice.

I'm Claire.

Hi.

I'm Becca.

Oh, I've heard a lot about you.

Did you ever had one of those days

where you feel like you can't be alone?

How about you? Did you ever had one of those days?

Yeah, sure.

Have you been up drinking all night?

No.

Would you like some water?

- Go get her some water. - No, no, just...

Sit down, please.

- Okay. - Thank you.

God, you must be thinking, who the fuck is this woman?

I sound like his mother, huh?

I'm not his mother.

But sometimes, I feel like his mother.

He got kicked out of his house all the time,

or he was just hungry, or...

Anything.

I'd always let him in.

Even now, when he shows up

in the middle of the night, I still don't turn him away.

Right?

He's like my second son.

Like a second son.

But you're not my son. Mm-mm.

My real son was Chris. He died.

Yeah, he just died.

I'm so sorry.

God, life...

It really fucks with you, right?

God.

It's just, all these paths that you can take and...

I mean, look at Will.

Look at you.

You got your whole life together.

Beautiful house and a good job.

Pretty girl.

When you think of Chris...

And he could've been the one

with the house and the girl, and the job,

if he'd never met Will.

Right?

Yeah.

- You should leave. - I should leave?

Isn't denial one of the first steps you people go through?

I'm in denial? I'm in denial?

Chris dies in your home and you're there,

and I'm in denial!

Take a fucking look at yourself.

You...

and...

that woman...

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Hey, hey.

Please, please, please.

Don't go.

Why should I stay here?

I need you.

Claire!

Why are you here?

Just let me in.

Please.

I just wanted a normal life.

Away from all of this.

You don't think I feel the pain you feel?

This is were I found him.

His eyes were open, he was still.

Because he was gone, already.

He died alone, that night.

Why did he go to see you?

He wanted something I couldn't give him.

What?

For us to be his friend, again.

I just wanted him to leave.

I'm sorry.

Is that why you came here? To apologize?

You got to say goodbye. I didn't.

I didn't.

And I'm...

I'm here. I can't go anywhere. I'm just here.

I'll always be here.

Do you feel my pain now?

Do you?

He didn't want this life.

What life?

The life you wanted for him.

He didn't want it.

Some people can't be fixed.

Someone like Chris, you mean.

They might pretend for others they can.

Until they just can't fucking take it anymore.

Sorry, Claire.

You take care.

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