Original subtitles

You doughnut! I'm meeting a very important agent.

ELECTRONIC VOICE: Well, well, well.

Kiefer, what...

You're looking at Global Talent Management's new Head of Disabled.

You two know each other?

I guess I should thank you all for coming to the DAA Showcase.

This is the dwarf you talked about?

She looks like a kid. She's 48.

Hey, Siri.

The only thing you have in common with a shark

is your massive overbite.

You want to grab a drink?

I thought you'd be mad at me.

I am. It's lucky you're cute.

She said I was cute!

Well, that wasn't so bad, I guess.

Again?

Oh, yeah. Get the condoms.

Here you go.

It's hard.

You do it!

There you go.

Ooh, fuck.

You take one end and I'll take the other.

Yeah, good idea.

Tim! You OK?

Yeah!

Love, love will tear us apart again.

ROMANTIC MUSIC MAN: Love knows no barriers of class.

WOMAN: But society will never accept us.

It's a doomed love.

Where are all the vampires?

There aren't any in this.

Then, why are we here?

Seriously, if Wesley Snipes doesn't show up soon,

I'm going to be mad.

He's not in it.

Why would you make a movie without Wesley Snipes in it?

Hey, I'm hungry. Throw me some popcorn.

Aargh... There you go.

GIGGLING

Hey, Lily, the good thing about a popcorn bucket, it is also...

..a hat.

You doughnut. Don't say anything, Donald.

They've got as much right to be here as we do.

We're going to stay here and we're going to enjoy them enjoying it.

I am NOT enjoying this movie. Mm.

MAN, ON SCREEN: Whatever happens, you know I will always love you.

That movie was some bullshit. Yeah.

Shit. "Oh, I love you!" "Mwah, mwah, mwah!"

Why can't anyone just say they like each other?

I like YOU.

PHONE RINGS Oh, shit.

You should get that. Yeah. Wait.

No. Why?

Because we've been liking each other for weeks,

and it's about time I met your mum.

OK, well, let me go over there and answer.

She can be a bit shy around strangers.

Why the fuck have you been avoiding me?

I've been busy with stuff, Mum.

Bullshit, you stuttering asshole.

You haven't even asked me how my boob job went.

Mum, I'm seeing this girl.

I REALLY like her.

Please don't fuck this up for me.

OK, put her on.

Hey! What's your favourite movie?

Godfather. Book?

Godfather. Porno?

ROD-father. Hobby?

Sitting on your son's face.

Hey, asshole. I don't know how you did it,

but this girl is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Don't fuck it up.

Let's neither of us fuck it up, Mum.

What do you think?

Are they real?! Jesus.

Diamonds or the tits?

They both cost a fortune, baby.

Nothing but the best for this Mama.

Oh... Tim, you never told me your mum was so glamorous.

Yeah. What the fuck happened to him, then?

It skipped a generation.

No, I'm teasing. Really.

You stick with his wobbly ass.

OK, bye.

She seems nice. Yeah.

You didn't tell me she was so...

..rich. Oh, yeah, she's got millions.

Dinner's on you, then.

Dinner's always on me.

Yeah, I can see that!

What the fuck is that?

Er, tea and toast.

You know,

I've been thinking,

since Tim's gone,

it's just like...he was the glue that held us together.

It's like someone had

glued a cat and

a filthy diseased-ridden rat together.

Sorry are you the cat in that analogy or...?

Name one thing that we have in common.

Ooh, er, well, we both stay in this flat. Yes?

But I feel like Anne Frank -

after she was captured.

Sorry. So you don't want the tea and toast?

Touch that, and lose a fucking hand.

OK, bye.

Ta-da! I'm clean.

Why are you wearing all your clothes?

Life hack, baby.

Wash yourself

AND your clothes at the same time.

I want to smell good all over for you.

Tim, there's something we need to talk about.

I missed my period.

You know what that means.

You don't need to be afraid

of sharks?

I'm fucking pregnant, dickhead.

But what...

..how...?

When you don't use condoms!

You're pregnant?

I meant to tell you.

It's just...a mess.

Cos now you'll run a million miles so...

Technically, I can't run one mile.

I mean, let's be real, we were both just having fun, right?

And anyway, what happens when they kick you out for not having a visa?

It's not like I can come and live in America.

Could I?

Unless...

What you doing?

Whoa! Oh, shit.

It's nothing like Notting Hill.

Tim, are you asking me to marry you?

Will you...marry me?

What choice do I have?

That looked like so much effort. Are you OK?

Ah, sure.

Oh, Tim, this is all...

..so quick.

But I think we should get married as soon as possible.

So it's all legally binding, you know, for the visa.

I mean, you could get deported any day now, so...

Yeah, we should celebrate later.

Oh, I can't, I've got a hen do to plan!

Lily... Yeah? I...

I... L...

I like you.

A lot.

Same here.

Of course she's not fucking pregnant, you fucking idiot.

I think she said that because she thinks your mum's loaded.

There's literally nothing else

appealing about you.

Unless she likes BO. You know, some women are weird like that.

Oh, my God, that makes so much sense.

I might have told her that my mum has millions.

Thank God.

For a second there, I thought I was actually having a baby.

Right, so are you going to call it off?

No.

Game's not over yet.

I think I WILL marry her. Oh.

For...

..sex...

..and a visa.

So you lied to the poor woman, and make her believe that you're rich?!

You're a pig. Wait, I...

..I like her. Mmm?

I don't see the problem if we're both lying.

What's that expression? Two wrongs definitely make a right.

Right, see, now I'm just mad at both of you.

Well, I need to hit SOMEONE.

Argh! Argh.

You're only hitting him cos you like him.

Whit? Whit?! Naw.

No, no, I don't.

What is going on in here?

Tim's about to enter a loveless marriage based on lies.

No!

Well, actually, yeah,

that sums it up.

So nice and succinct.

Sorry. What, did... did you say marriage?

Oh, my God. Tim! What?

I LOVE love.

Like, I LOVE love love.

It's so exciting!

You know, when I woke up this morning, I thought there's something

in the air. The birds are singing. The sun is shining.

Idris, can you just shut the fuck up? OK.

Just because no-one will ever want to pretend marry you.

Well, I have just got used to the fact that Tim has got

a girlfriend, and now he's just going to go off and marry her.

Do...do none of yous ever think about me?

No. You just...move!

Anyway. More importantly, what are we doing for your stag do?

Oh, I don't think I'll have one.

Nonsense. As your best man,

it's my responsibility to give you one last night of freedom.

I'm going to make tonight a night to remember.

Lucky you.

But you're not!

Why does he think he's my best man?

WOMEN LAUGH AND SQUEAL

Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot!

What the fuck have you done? Fuck the wedding, that's just idiocy.

But this...?

This! Having Idris plan you a stag do!

Oh, no, Tim. That is just a goddamn travesty.

AS A VAMPIRE: Are we veady for the night ov our lives?!

Dear God, no.

Prepare to be verified!

Verified?

What, like Instagram?

What no, no ver...verified is

vampire speak for terrified, isn't it?

I don't get it.

Take this.

That will make this a lot less painful. Thank you.

I vade these for the festivities.

T-shirts.

Oh, you better have another one.

And I vade these. What?

Put them on. So you want them to put on Lily's face?

Ves! Put on the face.

A black woman's face.

Ves, put on the... Oh, God, no.

Um...

Probably shouldn't have printed those off, should I?

Still, we're... we're going to have a good....

Ve're going to have a good time...

..tonight.

Jesus.

OK. So I have transformed this ordinary book shop

into an escape room!

Wa-ha-ha!

You need to lose the accent.

You're not good at it. OK, the accent's gone.

OK. Well, I've... I've done an escape room, as I say.

I think it's going be fine.

I think it's going to be fun, in fact.

And then afterwards we can...

Oh, there's a prize for the winner.

Have you ever had a Manny Shevitz?

I miss Lily.

I think I'll go outside and call her.

You cannot leave, ze door is locked

cos of the escape room, as I say.

Ah-ha, my first victim!

Wa-ha-ha-ha!

Give me the fucking key.

I can't do that. That's not how the game works.

Oh...

Oh, look.

I've found the key.

So come on, and let's get this party started!

If my best friend is going to fuck up his and someone else's life,

I don't want to see it sober.

So fucking move.

We can't go now, you've just broken the door.

No-one's going to steal a fucking book! Come on!

MUSIC: Chelsea Dagger by The Fratellis

I'm sorry I ruined your stag do, Tim.

I was just trying to be creative.

Right, we'll give you one last chance to make it up to us.

What's one thing that every stag do needs?

Uh...

Mm? Get there quicker!

Ladies. Ladies?

We've got ladies. We've got you two.

No, I'm talking about ladies of the night.

Are you insinuating that's Aaliyah?

because she's underage and you are a fucking pervert.

I'm 25. Are...are you?

Yeah, but he's still a pervert.

Any...anyway, you find us some ladies and all will be forgiven.

Right? You're talking about prostitutes?

Oh, yeah. I can't do that, it's immoral. I can't.

What? What's wrong with prostitutes?

Look, I get pissed on and I wipe arses for minimum wage,

and they're out there getting 200 quid a go.

Are you saying that you don't like your women with aspirations?

Shameful misogynist.

And on my last night of freedom too.

No. No. I like women.

No, I respect women.

I guess it is a special occasion.

But...but I...I don't know.

I wouldn't know how to or who to...

Idris, you just need to go for it.

Fortune favours the brave.

Look, why don't you start by

talking to those ladies over there?

Those women ov...?

OK. Um...

Well,

you only live once.

Yeah.

Here we go. There you go.

There you go.

THEY CHUCKLE

Hi,

ladies, if that's what you'd like to be called.

Er, I'm just on my friend's stag do.

Good for you, mate.

Um, I just wondered if you were

working tonight.

And when I say working, I mean, "working".

I understand what you do is a valid job,

and it should definitely be legal.

Hey, it's your body.

Do what you want with it.

Even though I'm sure you could do just as much,

if not more, using your brain.

What are you talking about?

I...

I wondered if I could procure your services

professionally for the night.

What? You need an accountant?

Oooh, no.

Ah.

Gosh, no. I...

I think I saw what you're wearing,

which is lovely, by the way,

and thought maybe you might be amenable

to have intercourse in...

..in exchange for some financial benefit. That's...

You thought we were whores?!

Oh, I'm not sure that's the politically correct term,

but, yes, I thought

you might be freelance sex workers.

Ah.

My...my mistake.

Oh, my God!

Come on!

Would I have made him do that if I liked him?

Er, yes.

You only torture your friends.

He's not my friend!

Fuck sake, he's annoying!

Tim, will you back me up?

PHONE CHIMES Oh, hey, Lily texted me!

Nah, give me this.

Ah, "BTW... SHE SCOFFS

"..I'm only drinking lemonade

"because of you know what.

"Don't worry! Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss."

She's really laying that baby stuff on thick.

No, it's sweet.

And if she thinks I think she's pregnant,

it's nice of her to reassure me.

So cute.

It's not sweet. It's weird and manipulative.

Ah tomayto tomayto.

Right, I've spoken to two lawyers, a beautician,

and a lady who I think might have actually been a sex worker.

And they've all slapped me, so I don't think this is working.

Look, it's fine.

Aaliyah ruined it anyway.

Let's go to the strip club.

Yes!

Are you ready?

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't let him in, looking like that.

Which one?

Both. It's a health and safety thing.

Sorry, how is it a health and safety thing?

Well, he's health, you're safety.

I've got a duty of care to the strippers, yeah?

Let's just call it a night.

No, no, no, no.

Not on MY watch.

If I'm losing you, we're going to do something fun first.

If we give up now, then I'm just as lame as Idris.

Ow. Hey, ladies.

Hi. Sorry, but my pal is dying...

Over there, do you see him, yes?

Thank you.

Sorted. I've got us a strip club.

What? Amazing! Where?

Your book shop. Oh, and by the way,

you owe them 500 quid.

Each.

Right, let's get this party started.

You, pay us the money now.

Yeah. Of course, girls. Er, women.. ladies.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

OK, ladies, we're good.

You have 58 minutes 20 seconds left.

Now I give him a lap dance.

Oh, no, no, no, no. That's...

Honestly, you don't need to do that.

This book shop is a place where everybody is equal.

It's a sort of safe space, so you really don't need to give him

a lap dance. Then, what do we do here?

Well, I set up an escape room.

What's that?

I sort of lock everybody in.

And you have to try and escape.

I'll put some fangs on and a cape.

That sounds much more sinister than a lap dance.

I just dance, yeah? No, honestly, please. It's..

It's against the values of a book shop.

Why should it be the poor, repressed woman who's forced to dance?

If anyone's going to give Tim a lap dance, why shouldn't it be me,

a man?

Please.

I REALLY don't want that.

Oh, Jesus.

I got to go call Lily.

That was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen.

And I grew up during the Balkans war.

So what do we do? I suppose we could get a coffee.

You, go get us a coffee.

Then I play you.

Oh, yeah. Do you like...

..do you like chess puzzles? Cos I know some doozies.

Cute masks. Come on, ladies.

I better go and see where the stag is.

Hey!

Hey!

Those pills kicked in yet?

No.

No, no, they haven't.

What's up with you, gloomy guts, eh?

What fell down YOUR panties? Even Aaliyah's having a good time.

Lily's not calling me back.

Right, look, I wouldn't be saying this if I wasn't your best mate,

but everything's going to be fine.

Now, will you just come in there and have some fun?

And, listen, you better have a better time at my party

than Idris's party or I'll kill you.

Come on!

Come on, I've got strippers!

GENTLE MUSIC

MUSIC DISTORTS AND ECHOES

Tim? Are you all right, mate?

What the fuck did you give me?

Aspirin. I thought this night would be a lot on your body.

Fuck my body.

My head is gone.

Do you want a lap dance now?

No!

Another you!

Are you YOU? Goodness, I miss you.

If you're you, then I missed you.

Oh, I missed you too.

You ARE you!

I gotta be honest, my mum doesn't have money,

she's terrible with money.

Anyway, I know you're not pregnant, so it's fine,

if you want, we can start over from scratch.

I AM pregnant.

I understand.

The fact that we both lied to each other means that we might not

be the best bet.

You fucking idiot.

You really think I'll make that up?

It's fine, you lie about everything.

Hang on.

That IS lemonade.

You really are pregnant.

Oh. Oh?

Oh?! That's all you can say?!

Fuck.

I can't believe you thought I was lying.

I thought we had something.

What was your plan? Hmm?

Have your fun, then break it off tomorrow?

Be like, "Ha-ha, Lily, I know you're a lying bitch"?

I wasn't going to say "lying".

Joke.

Joke. It was a joke.

Oh, whatever, man.

I'll figure out this baby thing.

I've always done everything on my own.

Why stop now?

You know what? Fuck you!

I don't need you.

I love you.

When you're around,

it's the first time I can breathe.

When you're around,

it numbs the anger inside of me.

The anger I didn't know I had

until I met you

and it wasn't there any more.

The same anger I see in you.

More than anything, I want to take it away from you.

And I see flashes where I do.

And I live for those moments.

But here's what I don't see.

Why you would want to be with me?

I bring nothing.

You said it yourself, I'm not dad material.

So why?

I didn't really understand any of that.

THEY CHUCKLE But, look, I'm scared.

And you're right, you do bring very little to the table.

But for some fucking reason,

I feel safe when you're here.

I guess...

..I love you too.

I don't know why.

It's your weird maternity hormones.

Totally.

Hang on, is he really going to go and marry her now?

But...

I don't want to lose Tim.

Well,

I guess it's just you two now.

But I don't want to be friends with him!

Oh, fuck.

Hold on.

We're having a baby!

That is fucking insane!

Wooo!

A baby.

But I'm a freak

I'm a weirdo

WHat the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here

I don't belong here.

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