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I'm a movie star!
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00:00:03,360 --> 00:00:04,720
"Dear Tim, we'd love for you to
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speak to the Select Committee."
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Could you ask your help
to get me a coffee?
5
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,960
Be a nice place
to have a coffee in here.
6
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,200
If it isn't the princess
of disabled hearts.
7
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I represent the
Disabled Actors Alliance.
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These people have 50 million
to distribute.
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00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:26,680
I was told there would be
pigs in knickers!
10
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:27,880
Get out!
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No! That was a scam, too.
12
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Ow!
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Teach me your ways.
14
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:39,600
You've turned this place into
a temple of bigotry.
15
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:40,920
I want you to leave.
16
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:44,880
You doughnut.
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00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,840
This programme contains
strong language and adult humour
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00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:51,880
ON PHONE: Hey! I noticed last time
we bumped into each other,
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00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,440
you left some lint on my coat.
20
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,960
Do you want me to bring it to you?
21
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,360
What are you talking about?
22
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,000
I just thought, you know,
we could hang out,
23
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,880
maybe do something after
I bought you your lunch.
24
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No.
25
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:10,520
I'm meeting a very important agent
from Global Talent Management.
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Disability acts are
fucking hot right now.
27
00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,040
And he wants to buy out
my company, so...
28
00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:19,000
But you don't have a real company.
29
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I don't see how that's relevant.
30
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You don't need a company.
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You just need a fancy website
with some convincing headshots.
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Get a fat down payment.
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Then bish-bash-bosh.
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And so, should I bring this lint?
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No!
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Oh! He's here.
37
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Gotta go.
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She never actually said
I shouldn't go.
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00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,040
What do you think I should do?
Here's what I think you should do.
40
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,080
I think you should go out. Yeah.
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Then what? I don't care.
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As long as you've gone out.
43
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Ah, thanks Ruth!
I knew you'd agree with me.
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MUSIC: Return of Django
by Lee "Scratch" Perry
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Hey, hey...
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Nooo!
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Ruth! Can I stop now?
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I look sexy enough.
49
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Is that a "yes"?
50
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Oh, sorry.
51
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I don't speak sign language.
52
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,840
Well, well, well.
53
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,840
Kiefer, what the fuck!
54
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,920
Who's Kiefer?
I'm known as the Shark now.
55
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:41,920
What are you doing here?
56
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:43,960
You two know each other?
57
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,760
If it isn't Tiny Tim -
is Tim one of the acts?
58
00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:49,480
If he is an act, his act is the
smallest dick in the world.
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00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,160
Because he has a small dick.
60
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:54,200
You're looking at Global Talent
Management's new Head of Disabled.
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00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,040
And you are the minnow,
because of your tiny dick.
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He was just leaving.
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00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,720
No, Tiny Tim should stay.
64
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,720
The Shark is hungry for easy prey.
65
00:03:02,720 --> 00:03:05,840
For once in his life, he should
see what success looks like.
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00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,680
It looks like me, not like him.
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00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,280
Because he has a small dick.
68
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,600
My contact book is
a playlist of the A-list.
69
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,880
I know Simon Cowell.
If you did meet Cowell, I think
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00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,760
you would be jealous of him,
cos he doesn't have a small dick.
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00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:21,600
How do you know what
Simon Cowell's penis looks like?
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00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:24,240
Can we get off Tim's dick, please?
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00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,320
No-one can get off Tim's dick,
because no-one's ever been on it.
74
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,960
But let's cut to the crap.
I'm here for your acts.
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00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,040
Disabled talent is
the new hot ticket.
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00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,600
If your acts sign with me at
Global Talent Management,
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00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,360
I'll bury them in fucking diamonds.
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00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:39,520
You swim with the Shark, you take
the slipstream straight to the top.
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00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:42,040
My acts don't come cheap.
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00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,080
I've 15 big ones burning a hole
in my pocket but I'm prepared
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00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:46,720
to pay for your roster of talent.
82
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,400
But here's the thing -
on your website a lot of the acts
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00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:52,160
look outstanding, but there are
no videos of them performing.
84
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,560
The Shark is starting to
smell something fishy.
85
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,360
And the Shark eats fish
for breakfast.
86
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,680
I'm not going to just put all
my roster of talents and acts
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00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,040
out there for you to steal.
88
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:03,880
If you want to see them...
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00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,640
They perform every Tuesday night.
90
00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,120
It's great.
91
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,880
There's a one-legged dwarf
92
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,680
who has no nose and shoots fire.
93
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,200
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
94
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:21,880
There's an albino with feet
for hands who does a...
95
00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:27,320
..very accurate impressions
of Australian wildlife.
96
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,800
That sounds perfect.
Tuesday, you say?
97
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:31,360
So, there's one tonight?
98
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:32,680
Yeah.
99
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,120
What are you doing?
100
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,000
I'll need to move
some things around,
101
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,880
because I'm always busy
all the time.
102
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:41,040
Because I'm the Shark, and sharks
always need to keep moving.
103
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,320
Text me the address.
104
00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:46,120
Well, that could've gone better.
105
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,360
You idiot.
106
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,840
I was prepared for that question.
107
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,320
Why did you jump in?
108
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,760
Now I need to put on a show tonight.
109
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:59,800
Not to mention finding whatever
the fuck you were talking about.
110
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,440
I don't even have a venue.
111
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,520
Oh, don't worry.
112
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,120
I know a place.
113
00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,320
Twat.
114
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:17,920
I like your hair.
115
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,360
No, you don't.
116
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:23,440
You're just lonely and looking
for human connection.
117
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,360
Aaliyah...Aaliyah?
Yes, got that right.
118
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,040
Aaliyah, I think when
we're dealing with customers,
119
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:35,200
it'd be good to have a bit more
of a positive attitude.
120
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,960
You know, it's always sunshine
in here. Factually incorrect.
121
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,800
Turn that frown upside down.
122
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,800
You know, it only takes
two muscles to smile.
123
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,400
You have a bedside calendar with
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00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,920
these sayings written on it,
don't you?
125
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,680
Erm...yes.
126
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,160
Oh, Tim! Thank God you're here.
127
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:52,800
I'll just grab my coat, and then,
128
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,880
we can go somewhere
that's actually fun.
129
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,400
Hey, Idris.
130
00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,400
We need to use your shop
to put on a disabled showcase.
131
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,520
It's for charity.
132
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,720
What? Y-Yeah, of course.
133
00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,600
Absolutely. Yeah, a fantastic idea.
134
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,760
Yeah. The book shop will become
a beacon of social justice work
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00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,440
and entertainment.
136
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,920
I can be the MC.
137
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,000
A Black disabled night.
138
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,080
Incredible idea.
Yeah, it's just disabled.
139
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:26,600
So if you could find some disabled
open mic spots, set up the stage,
140
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:29,760
do the promotion,
set up the lighting,
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00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:32,240
find some mics and amps...
142
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,280
..we'll do the rest.
143
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,280
OK, gotta go find some
disabled acts!
144
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,680
I'm going to make you chuckle
if it's the last thing I do.
145
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,240
It probably would be
the last thing you do. Oh.
146
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:47,840
Did he leave without me?
147
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,040
Fuck's sake.
148
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:53,840
How about a sword juggler?
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00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:57,240
I mean, he's good.
150
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,960
But he's not disabled.
151
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,520
HE YELLS
152
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,160
Ah!
153
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:04,360
Now he is!
154
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,800
Argh!
155
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:16,160
Mate, how would you like to do
whatever this is at a show tonight?
156
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,240
I'll pay you 20 quid.
157
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,000
30 quid?
158
00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:28,520
Hey, I think it might be
an actual statute.
159
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:35,040
This is stressful work, this.
160
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,400
Damn, I'm good.
161
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,160
Why would you say that
thing about the albino?
162
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,880
We're never going to find
an albino with legs for hands.
163
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:49,120
Maybe we can.
164
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,640
Wait here.
165
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,960
Hey, Lily!
166
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,320
What about this?
167
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,400
HE IMITATES CHIMPANZEE
168
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,200
Hey, what are you doing?
Put those down!
169
00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,040
Ahh!
170
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,320
Hey Idris. Idris.
171
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:15,440
I bet I can make all your
friends disappear.
172
00:08:15,440 --> 00:08:16,720
Ta-da!
173
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,600
Oh, whatever.
Tim would've laughed at that.
174
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,760
Well, many hands make quick work.
175
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,880
Let's make some posters
for the showcase.
176
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,800
I think we'll have a right laugh.
177
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:29,080
Strong disagree.
Oh, come on, it'll be like
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00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:30,640
when you coloured in as a kid!
179
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,160
I always used to get a gold star -
180
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:34,640
I don't think I ever coloured
outside of the lines.
181
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,320
Hey, Idris, give me your watch.
Yeah.
182
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:40,400
I once coloured in the chalk outline
of my father's dead body.
183
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,920
WRY CHUCKLE Oh, you and your jokes.
184
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:45,120
It corrupted the forensic evidence.
185
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,840
It was kind of funny.
186
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,680
Tell you what, since we're friends
and I value your opinion,
187
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:52,560
why don't you do a version,
I'll do a version,
188
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:54,600
and we can see which
one's better at the end -
189
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,720
and hopefully, learn a little
something from the experience?
190
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,760
Idris, do you have another watch?
191
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,520
This magic stuff's fun.
192
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:13,840
Well, I guess we need
to find a disabled dwarf.
193
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,840
Or do we?
194
00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,640
When pantos can't get them,
they usually just dress up kids.
195
00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,200
Loads are getting
into trouble for it.
196
00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,720
So, we don't need
a one-legged dwarf?
197
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,680
Nah. We just need a damaged child.
198
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,120
HE GIGGLES
199
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:35,320
Okey doke.
HE HUMS TRIUMPHANTLY
200
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:36,960
What do we thi...? Oh.
201
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,080
OK, Ruthie, do you have
a preference? Which one's better?
202
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,160
Well, that is a much more
accurate depiction of you.
203
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,600
No, no, no, no, no.
204
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:52,200
Look, er, get some colour in it,
at least.
205
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,360
Get some cheerful reds
into these blood drops.
206
00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:59,160
A bit of joy back on the face -
what about that?
207
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,320
Oh, aye, Mrs Picasso.
208
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:04,080
You fucking nailed
his essence there.
209
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,480
Good movie night tonight.
210
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,720
Oh - forgot my bag.
211
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,400
She could pass as a dwarf,
AND she's in a wheelchair.
212
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:17,360
Hey! Do you want to be in a show?
213
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,160
How badly hurt is your leg?
214
00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,800
Although you did say the dwarf
didn't have a nose...
215
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,400
We could cut it off.
216
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,040
Dad! Uh-oh.
217
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,960
You OK, Molly?
HE WHISPERS: Say yes, or...
218
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,760
Sorry, can I help you?
219
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,120
Dad, they want me to be in a show.
220
00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,960
Can I, please? I need to!
I need to!
221
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,240
Good evening!
I am the Zany Brothers.
222
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,880
The light's very bright.
223
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,720
Is there anything we can do...?
224
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,880
How am I doing? Not well. Right.
225
00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,200
But you get the joke, though?
It's funny because...
226
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,560
..there's only one of me,
so I can't be brothers.
227
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,440
Do you get it?
Th-The light's still very bright.
228
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:02,200
You're not zany either.
Well, wh-what shall I call myself?
229
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,280
How about...Mr Deluded?
230
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,400
Ha-ha! Good one. Yeah, you won't
kill my buzz today, guys.
231
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,440
Why should I be down when I'm here
with my two favourite girls?
232
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:14,440
The light's still very bright.
Nothing lasts.
233
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,560
Before you know it,
you'll be in a care home,
234
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:19,480
watching the flies buzz around
your poo-filled nappy,
235
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:23,200
and realise they're the only
things you meant anything to.
236
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,360
If it makes you feel better,
they'll appreciate the poo.
237
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:29,480
He won't be able to afford care.
I know.
238
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,960
But I didn't want to depress him.
239
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,960
That's... Ahem. Er...
240
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,920
I-It will get better.
241
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,840
Guys? Why is that light so bright?
242
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,680
It won't get better.
243
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,640
It never does.
244
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,880
You may as well
embrace the darkness.
245
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,440
It's all you've got left.
246
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,760
I guess I won't need
my coloured pens anymore.
247
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,440
What did you say to that kid?
248
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:56,280
If she didn't do it,
I would eat her father.
249
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,000
You dickhead!
250
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:02,960
That works? All the time,
all kids think I'm a monster.
251
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:07,800
It's pretty useful.
Whoa, man, sounds fun.
252
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,560
I want to be a monster with you.
253
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:15,240
I would love to
terrify children with you.
254
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,680
I mean, not like...
I mean...
255
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:21,320
..because of usefulness.
Because I-I'm not the monster.
256
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,440
You're not the monster either.
Like, you're pretty, but like,
257
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,920
not like, that's not why...
Like, it's not like I want
258
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:29,600
to sleep under the bed with you,
or something.
259
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:30,960
Oh, gosh.
260
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,480
We found jack shit for acts.
261
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,280
Please tell me you found some.
262
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,080
How's the coffee?
Yeah, it's all right.
263
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:53,440
Oh, good God!
264
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,320
Why do they all look like that?
265
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,800
Because he only put
the posters up in here.
266
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,840
And white, middle-class men are the
only people who come in here now.
267
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,160
Oh, this is pointless.
268
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:06,360
I'll just cut my losses, OK?
Come on.
269
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:07,680
You got this.
270
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,400
Kiefer's a moron.
271
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,720
If they were disabled,
it would be too easy.
272
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:15,560
You'd feel bad about
taking their money.
273
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,680
I never feel bad about taking money.
274
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,760
Ooh, there she is!
275
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,280
Come on, let's trick
that bastard Kiefer.
276
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,640
OK - but I'll deal with him.
277
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:27,880
I don't want you fucking
this up again.
278
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:34,120
Ruthie! Oh, nice of you
to finally show up.
279
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,360
How was your day? I missed you.
Oh, best day ever.
280
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,800
And I've learned a new skill -
281
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:44,200
which you'll find out about
soon enough.
282
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,720
What did you and Wheelie
McWheelface get up to?
283
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:49,240
Oh, we had the best day, too.
284
00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:53,560
She's so sexy and clever,
285
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,000
and sexy.
286
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,520
Oh! And...sexy.
287
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,960
Yeah, but is she sexy? Yeah.
288
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,480
Thank you for coming to
our little showcase.
289
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,920
I'm looking forward
to growing my global slate.
290
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:10,560
Tim cannot grow my global slate
291
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,600
because he has
a small global slate -
292
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,240
and by global slate, I mean dick.
293
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:15,640
The show's starting.
294
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:18,960
TAPS MICROPHONE
295
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,560
Guess I should thank you all for
coming to the DAA showcase.
296
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,880
Although it doesn't really matter,
does it?
297
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,320
Cos we're all just...
screaming into the void.
298
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,920
RUTH: Woohoo!
299
00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,440
Woo-woo! The void!
300
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,120
I'll get the first act on.
301
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,280
I think she's going to do some
poetry, or something, I dunno.
302
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:38,480
I'm going to accompany her
on the theremin.
303
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,640
So, I just hope you can tolerate it.
304
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,040
THEREMIN PLAYS
"SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW"
305
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,800
Somewhere over the rainbow.
306
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,440
Everything is black.
307
00:14:50,440 --> 00:14:52,200
The trees are black.
308
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,800
The flowers are black.
309
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,800
The witch died standing up
for what she loved.
310
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,040
THEREMIN DIES DOWN
311
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,240
MEAGRE APPLAUSE
312
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,920
This is your showcase?
Not what I was expecting.
313
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,440
What's her disability?
314
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,800
We don't know yet.
315
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,080
But it must be something, right?
316
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,400
Ahem. Right, I see...
317
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:17,440
Noticed quite a few people
talking in the audience.
318
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,360
Yeah. I wish I had
a connection with somebody.
319
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,680
Be nice. Anyway, there's going to be
a charity box making its way
320
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,720
around during the next act.
321
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:28,440
If you want to put something in it,
322
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:32,040
so you know, pretend like your
life has some meaning,
323
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:36,240
that'd be great. Er, the next act is
a magician, I think.
324
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,760
I don't know.
RUTH: Oh! I've got this.
325
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,200
Hello, you big bunch of cocks!
326
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,000
Is this your card?
327
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:54,360
I said, is this your fucking card,
pal?
328
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:58,440
I can also make your
teeth disappear.
329
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,800
LILY: Fuck me.
How is she disabled?
330
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,440
She's...Scottish.
331
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,680
Yeah. Am I right, ladies?
332
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,640
Oh, she knows. Swipe left.
333
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,840
I'm just fucking with you, darling.
Don't worry about it.
334
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,600
What's your name?
Do you want a boot in the fanny?
335
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,480
Erm, anyway...
I-I'm just doing the five,
336
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,360
so enjoy the rest of the show.
337
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,560
Goodnight!
338
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:27,840
Right, next, we've got...
Miss Zippo Lighter.
339
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,040
LIGHT APPLAUSE
340
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,560
Wait. This is the dwarf
you talked about?
341
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,000
She looks like a kid.
342
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,160
No! She's 48.
343
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,640
One-legged, no nose,
who breathes fire.
344
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,040
One usable leg,
345
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,680
and the nose burns are too horrific
to show a live audience.
346
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:49,000
But just wait and see this, OK?
347
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,720
PLAYS RECORDER BADLY
348
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:03,120
PLAYS "THREE BLIND MICE" BADLY
349
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,240
MEAGRE APPLAUSE
350
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,800
She's fucking shite.
351
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:25,160
Yes...that was dreadful.
352
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:26,800
It's a kid with a broken leg.
353
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,880
I just need some disableds.
354
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,760
I don't care what they can do.
355
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,600
Have you seen Britain's Got Talent?
356
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:34,440
It doesn't matter
if they're talented.
357
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,640
They just need something
properly wrong with them.
358
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,960
You've tricked the Shark.
359
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,240
None of these acts are
from your website.
360
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,480
All right, next, we've got
an Australian albino with feet
361
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:47,920
for hands, who does impressions
of outback creatures.
362
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,680
MUSIC: Down Under
by Men at Work
363
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,120
G'day, mate!
364
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,600
How's the shrimp on the barbie?
365
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,720
And now, some bird impressions!
366
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,520
The redbreasted bird whoop.
367
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,160
Kee-kaw! Kee-kaw!
368
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:09,040
And now the kookaburra scoundrel.
369
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,920
HE SQUAWKS
370
00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:16,000
That's just Tim.
And those birds don't exist.
371
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,880
And yet, it's still
a bad impression.
372
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:21,040
The only thing Tim has in common
with birds is that their brains
373
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,840
are as small as Tim's dick.
374
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,560
Who's this Tim fella, cobber?
375
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,280
When I first met you, I thought,
376
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,760
"Hey, you're not just a pretty face"
- but you are.
377
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,440
And you're not even a pretty face.
378
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,760
Hey, Siri, shut the fuck up.
379
00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:35,960
LAUGHTER
380
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,560
Just because you
smell like dead fish
381
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,080
doesn't make you a fucking shark.
382
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,720
That's not dead fish.
That's pussy.
383
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,400
The only thing you have
in common with a shark
384
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,920
is your massive fucking overbite.
385
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,280
LAUGHTER INCREASES
386
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:53,320
Look at your greasy arse.
387
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:57,240
Hey, everyone,
the petrol crisis is over.
388
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,360
If you need any gas,
389
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,120
just squeeze Kiefer's face.
390
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:03,840
LAUGHTER
391
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:05,320
You can't do stand-up.
392
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,720
You can't even stand up.
393
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,720
How does a cyborg get acne?
394
00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:13,600
It's like Stephen Hawkins
fucked a deep fat frier,
395
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,200
and you popped out. LAUGHTER
396
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,160
Hey! Not cool, man.
This is punching down.
397
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:21,040
How dare you?
He's not punching down.
398
00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:22,440
He's punching up.
399
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,240
I am punching down -
to a little baby boy.
400
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,800
You're an asshole.
That's punching down.
401
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,600
No, punching down is punching
people with lower status.
402
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,760
The order is white, disabled, women,
403
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,520
racial minorities, trans,
404
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,360
then you.
405
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:43,720
Then you admit you're punching up,
because women are below disableds,
406
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,920
and you're a woman because
your penis is so small.
407
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:48,680
LILY: All right!
Both of you, shut up.
408
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:53,640
Kiefer, don't you see, you came
here ready to sign up a disabled -
409
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,600
any disabled, it turns out.
410
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:57,960
Sign up Tim.
411
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,320
He's killing it.
412
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,440
Deal, then. Excellent.
413
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,000
I already have an ad campaign
Tim can front.
414
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,360
It's for condoms.
415
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:09,680
Extra, extra, extra, extra, extra,
extra, extra, extra, extra,
416
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:14,000
extra, extra, extra, extra, extra,
extra, extra, extra, extra,
417
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:18,880
extra, extra, extra, extra, extra,
418
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,520
extra small size.
419
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,920
Fuck you, Tim.
420
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:27,280
Bye.
421
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:31,960
Thank you very much.
422
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,680
Oh. What are you doing?
423
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,880
It's for a Black disabled charity.
Right?
424
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,200
You've done a really
good thing tonight.
425
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,800
You should be proud of yourself.
Yeah? Yeah.
426
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,240
Yeah. You know what?
I have done a good thing, haven't I?
427
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,640
You have. Thank you.
428
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:50,240
RUTH: Hey, hey, wait up.
429
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,640
I know he keeps losing you money,
but Tim's going through some stuff
430
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,280
at the minute, so can you just
cut him some slack, please?
431
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,640
What stuff? Cerebral palsy.
432
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:00,520
Er?
433
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:02,680
Right.
434
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,560
OK, look.
435
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:09,440
I know that Tim is stupid,
and he's smelly, and he's ugly.
436
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:13,600
But he's also kind and he's loyal,
437
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,280
and he means well.
438
00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:18,880
And he's also that stupid thing
that I mentioned.
439
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,520
And he likes you...
440
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,480
..a lot.
441
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,440
You want to grab a drink?
442
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,080
I thought you'd be mad at me.
I am.
443
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:40,840
It's lucky you're cute,
because you're dumb.
444
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,600
Really dumb.
445
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,400
Hey, Ruth.
446
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,000
She said I was cute.
447
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:52,680
MUSIC: Close to Me
by The Cure
448
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,560
Wow, Tim.
449
00:21:58,560 --> 00:21:59,840
Kiefer was right.
450
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,280
# I've waited hours for this
451
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,240
# I've made myself so sick
452
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,600
# I wish I'd stayed asleep today
453
00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:13,960
# I never thought this day would end
454
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:17,840
# I never thought tonight
could ever be
455
00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,760
# This close to me... #
456
00:22:20,810 --> 00:22:25,360
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