Original subtitles

THEY SCREAM Get off my set.

Save me, Spider-Man!

Disgraceful!

You should make a donation to

the Disabled Actors' Alliance.

You've got to let me be part of this passion.

I've got nothing else to do. I can help out.

Let's buy some drugs!

Where's my stuff?

Ow!

SIRENS WAIL

Armed police!

I'm off to the beautiful land of no overheads.

I'll buy it! The rent is 50,000 a year.

I've just spent my entire life savings rescuing this beacon

of community culture.

Hey! Were you waiting for me?

You really are brain-damaged.

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

So, the film Unbeaten has been leaked today.

Here to speak about it is somebody who was actually in the film.

Tim!

What's your verdict?

It's a piece of shit movie.

It certainly is, yeah.

Now, obviously, the film is about disability.

So, I have to ask you about the Disability Funding Act

going through Parliament.

What?

The Tories' plan to completely reform the welfare system

for disabled people in Britain?

Whee!

Did you know your chairs can go around?

Yeah, I di...yeah, Tim. Yeah.

Why aren't we doing this all the time?

D-Do you really...

Do you really not have any opinion on what was

the big story at the weekend?

Oh, the week...this weekend? Yeah, yeah!

Yes, well, I was busy this weekend.

See, what I was doing was I got a glove, and then,

I cut the fingertips out of it.

And then, I got five dildos.

Oh, OK!

I think we're out of time.

# You're a bad, bad man

# You gotta do what you can

# When you're a bad man... #

She cut me off, yeah!

But what I was going to say was get five dildos,

and make a dildo glove.

Oh.

Not while my mum's here.

Sorry, I forgot.

Would you like a dildo glove, Beatrice?

What did he say?

Nothing. Mum, just ignore him.

Why is she here, anyway?

Because he needed her permission to spunk all his savings

on a doomed book shop.

Just don't want to see you going to rack and ruin.

PHONE CHIMES

"Dear Tim, we got your email from YouTube.

"We'd love for you to speak to the Select Committee deciding

"how to spend the new Disability Arts Fund.

"Democracy is important to us."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The Tory Party?!

Let me have a look.

Oh, this is exciting.

I'm a big fan of Select Committees.

Oh, I hope there's some hot chicks at this Tory party.

No, there won't be.

It'll only be a bunch of boring MPs.

I mean, what the fuck do they want with you?

Oh, Ruth, I am a movie star now!

I'm going to be invited to all the cool parties.

Stick with me, kid, and you'll go places.

OK, yeah. I'll come. It'll be a laugh.

And even if it's shite, we're in Parliament -

so there'll definitely be somebody to score coke off there.

Ooh.

Oh, I have to ask.

LOUDLY: Were...you....vaccinated?

LOUDLY: I...was...vaccinated.

He was vaccinated.

Don't worry.

Q will get revenge.

CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY She's...

She smells good.

Alicia.

I don't...feel like we've properly got to know each other yet.

Aaliyah. Yeah...what?

My name is Aaliyah.

Yeah, because...isn't it because of Alicia Keys, and...

..and that's why you're so sad, because of the plane crash?

That was Aaliyah. That was Aaliyah.

I get mixed up.

Anyway, I really want to try and, you know,

get to know the real Alina.

Aaliyah. Aaliyah.

I don't recognise any of these writers.

Maybe you should just add some literary works.

Mum, those are all African and Caribbean classics.

And I think using the word "literary" in that sense is

possibly a little bit offensive.

Ooh. Sorry, pet.

I just come from a different time.

# I don't want to change the world

# I'm not looking for New England

# I'm just looking for a girl... #

SHE GROANS

If it isn't the fucking princess of disabled hearts.

Hey! You're that terrible lady that made that terrible movie

even more terrible.

That's all I need, innit?

A massive pain in my arse.

Hey, you should know not all of us can feel our arses.

That's very offensive.

Hey, what're you doing here?

I represent the Disabled Actors' Alliance.

These people have 50 million to distribute.

50 million? That's...

..30...

..give or take by...

..2.3 million dildo gloves.

Oh, that's good maths, buddy.

Just stay out my way, you fucking idiot.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Sir Edwin Reece-Smith,

chair of the Disability Appropriations Select Committee.

Are we going to be on TV?

Yeah, but only losers will be watching.

We're taking testimony and evidence from some of the country's

most respected champions for disability rights...

..including, I'm delighted to say,

some powerful advocates from the world of social media.

Welcome...Tim?

Just Tim - very YouTube.

Oh, could I just check your preferred pronouns? He, she...

..xie? Oh, I'll go for...

HE BELLOWS

Please make a note of stated preference.

So, let's start with you.

What's being proposed is a move away from local authority provision to

a more centralised system of PFIs and multi-agency funding.

Drawing on your experience,

how do you think this would affect our user end-point agreement?

Erm...

WHISPERS: Spend more money.

Spend more money.

WHISPERS: On good things.

On good things.

What's she doing?

Oh, everything is recorded here.

She...

Good.

She is transcribing this,

and it will be published in Hansard.

OK. I may be in the wrong party.

I was told this is Tory party,

and there would be pigs in knickers

and gourds used as cocaine tables.

Can we please keep these proceedings professional?

Stop fucking talking - if you can call THAT talking.

You could just diversify, pet.

You can't only be selling one type of book.

Mum, it's an African Caribbean book shop.

It's just there's some interesting new books I've been reading about

on the internet.

A lot of self-published work. I just...

You don't have to interfere. Interfere?

Oh, Idris, I'm not interfering.

I'm just looking after my little boy. Yeah.

It's all I've ever done.

Try to protect you.

Cos you certainly weren't getting that from your father.

O-OK. Come on.

Could you ask your help to get me a coffee?

Be a nice place to have a coffee in here.

You should get a coffee machine.

Attract a nicer clientele.

She will destroy your dreams.

Sir Edwin, Lily Matthews from the Disabled Actors' Alliance.

If I can refer you to my proposal

for investment in the New London Disabled Artists Forum,

we want a modest £53,000 to help....

To make another Godzilla movie!

That's what you were going to say, right?

How do you think a new Godzilla movie would enhance

the rights of disabled people?

I think a new Godzilla movie would help...

..because Godzilla...

..is a...lizard.

And lizards can grow back limbs.

So, it'd be like telling a disabled person,

"You can do anything".

Didn't I just see...?

It's one of the things, what you call them?

A metamorphosis.

No.

A metaphor.

No, no, no.

I was right the first time.

It's a metamorphosis.

May I interrupt for one second?

I would just like to inform the committee that Tim appears

to be an illegal immigrant.

Here you go.

What?

Well, this is troubling.

Hmm. With this man's origins,

he may not have the good of the country at heart.

He may not even have a visa.

We want to hear the experiences of all disabled people -

but not the illegal ones.

Now I know why...

HE BELLOWS

Oi! You said that wrong, and that is fucking offensive.

Wouldn't give us his last name.

I think you should leave now, Mr Tim...Bin Laden,

while we clear up whether you are or are not allowed in this building.

Well, this was fun!

I'll miss you guys.

Hey!

Why is that lady fucking a tractor?

Get out.

Ah, fuck yous!

I'm Scottish. We're sacking the lot of you soon anyway.

If I can refer you back to my proposal to help modernise

our current rehearsal studio...

That showed them, the sad sacks of shite!

THEY LAUGH Yeah.

The look on Lily's pretty...

..pretty stupid face!

Don't mess with us, you prissy little do-gooder.

Although she's still in there,

getting her hands on millions of quid - and we're not.

We shall win this war for the good of all mankind!

I shall have my vengeance!

We will fight them on the beaches.

Yes, General.

We shall not be beaten.

There, there, pet.

The people that injected you with poison

will not get away with it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's this terrible woman.

She told them I didn't have a visa because I'm a filthy,

disgusting illegal immigrant.

She said he didn't have a visa cos he's an immigrant.

Oh, gosh! Where's he from? America.

Oh! Oh, thank goodness.

For a second, I thought he was from one of those countries.

She didn't really mean it.

You know, she's just from a different generation. Is she?

Well, Lily, two can play at that game.

We're going to follow you,

find your weaknesses, and exploit them.

Come on, Ruth.

Let's go. I'm the general.

My brain's too important to waste in battle.

You'll have to go it alone.

But...if you fuck Lily up,

I'll buy you an ice cream on the high street for lunch.

# You know, your momma and your daddy

# Saying I'm no good for you

# They call me dirty from the alley

# Till I don't know what to do

# I get so tired of sneakin' around just to get to your back door

# I crawl past the garbage and your momma jumps out

# Screamin' "Don't come back no more"

# I can't take it

# My guitar wants to kill your mama... #

Jordan Peterson.

Clarkson.

Tommy Robinson?

All you profess to stand for is crumbling into the dust.

Mum's just trying to introduce some alternative voices into the...

Oh, God, we really shouldn't be selling this one.

That should be with the H's.

Incognito mode.

Incognito mode. Inco...

What the fuck is he do...?

Oof!

SLOWED DOWN: Noooo!

I'm so sorry.

My phone! My poor phone.

Come on, Jerry, stay with me.

Don't go into the light.

He was just a child!

Ah, I'm fucking with you.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

OK. Ha.

You're going to pay for that, right?

Without his phone, he won't know when to take his diabetes medicine.

Well, no, I mean he said it was fine - and actually,

he kind of bumped into me.

Ah, mate, but I saw you barge into him.

So did all these people.

I mean, it's going to be about 300 to repair.

I only have...£120.

There's a cashpoint round the corner.

It's a bit much.

Ooh, a bit much!

OK, I'll just post these photos all over your Facebook page, then.

Maybe your boss sees it, too.

You don't even know who I am.

Really? Zane Prenderghast.

Anyway, chop chop.

Take it. Take everything.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Please leave me alone.

Bye!

Ah...the old "broken phone" trick.

Nice one.

Although you almost blew it at the start.

Way too theatrical.

What? Yeah.

You want to start drawing on their guilt, not embarrassment.

By the way, I'll take my cut now, yeah? Cheers.

Nice doing business with you.

Stop! Come back!

What?

Teach me your ways.

Oh, yeah?

What's in it for me, then?

I'll be your accomplice.

We'll be like Batman and...

Oh, fuck.

Batman and...Tim!

All right, fine.

Just stop being annoying.

No promises.

MUSIC: Rip Off by T. Rex

# In the moonlight Fighting with the night

# It's a rip-off... #

I know this one.

You're going to pour water on your lap.

Ow! What the fuck are you doing?

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

# Dancing in the dark With the tramps in the park

# It's a rip-off Such a rip-off, yeah!

# See your baby's stud Sliding in the mud

# It's a rip-off

# Bleached on the beach I want to tickle your peach

# It's a rip-off, yeah... #

There's no ramp here, how am I supposed to get in?

Face it, Madam, I'm really sorry. That's not good enough.

Don't put me in any trouble. I need compensation.

# The President's weird He's got a burgundy beard

# It's a rip-off Such a rip-off, ow... #

Hey! Is this your arts charity?

Yeah, and I'm meeting some dickheads from the Department of Culture

to help me land my new funding.

So, fuck off.

I'll be invisible.

You're the opposite of invisible.

Bye, dickhead.

The young people are currently working on an ambitious

new musical project, telling the story of Nelly Culworth,

one of Britain's first disabled campaigners of colour,

using a fusion of grime and skank.

Ooh, like Hamilton?

Exactly like Hamilton.

My wife got tickets for my birthday.

Bloody brilliant!

Is it possible to take a peek?

Normally, yes.

But a lot of our young stakeholders in this scene are autistic.

It's why we black out the windows, to create the right sensory diets.

I worry interrupting would disrupt the creative process.

Of course. Yeah.

Ah, God.

MUFFLED GRIME MUSIC

Ooh! No!

Perhaps we should go discuss this more at the cafe.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh...

GRIME MUSIC BLARES

Fuck! That's why we need the funding!

To get the space suitable for the autistics!

Think of the autistics!

You stupid cunt.

That money was going to buy me my second flat.

And you fucked it up!

So, that was a scam, too.

Aha! Of course it fucking was!

I think I love you!

Oh, there you are! You big fanny.

And where the fuck were you at ice cream time?

She's great.

I was stood there for, like... three ice creams' time.

Wait...oh, good God, no.

You stood me up for that do-gooding trollop.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't understand.

She's not like that at all.

When you get to know her,

she's actually evil and heartless.

Perfect.

Ah, bullshit.

She probably blinked her stupid eyelashes at you,

and you fell under her spell.

She's amazing, man!

You know the shit I do?

Well, she does it, and then, people give her money.

It doesn't matter, though.

I fucked it up.

You really like her, don't you? Yeah.

And she's good at making money? Yep.

What the fuck are you waiting for, you idiot?

We need a plan to win her back.

At your command, General!

Feels like our shop now.

No, it feels like YOUR shop now.

These books aren't what I represent.

You've turned this place into a temple of bigotry.

I took this place on because I wanted to help people,

not miseducate them.

I'm not going to let your ignorant views ruin this.

Sorry, Idris.

I was only trying to help.

I know my views don't sit well with the young woke people.

But I'm of an older generation.

Yeah, I know, Mum.

Things were different in the '60s and '70s when I was growing up.

You've got to look at the context.

Yeah.

Although you did ban all gay people from staying at the B&B you ran.

And that was in 2017.

What can I say?

The internet has opened my eyes, Idris.

I have truly woken up.

And not just about the Black Lives Matter hooligans,

but those dirty money-grabbing...

No, Mum!

Well, I could show you some websites...

No, no, no, no, I don't want to hear it.

It's what I'm talking about.

I-I respect all people, all faiths, all races, all sexualities.

I want you to leave.

Why are you being like this?

It's like your father all over again.

Oh, don't bring Dad into this.

If it wasn't for me, you would've wasted your life on that man,

working for his fucking food bank.

It was me who saved you, made you come to London and try

and get a job in the city.

Not that sandal-wearing drip of a father!

I'm glad he's dead.

Dad's not dead, I spoke to him on the phone last week.

Well, he's dead to me.

Dead!

Ever since I passed his allotment

and saw that climate change poster in the window of his shed.

Don't you want to aspire to more than him?

Not like this. Not by selling out my principles.

Please, Mum, leave.

Fine.

You're still my boy.

Here, I've been knitting this.

It's a blanket.

Hoped you'd wrapped my first-born grandchild up in it,

tight and cosy.

Jesus Christ!

I suppose you're going to point out, "I told you so".

No.

But only because it applies to everything I say.

MUSIC: Ever Fallen In Love by The Buzzcocks

# You spurn my natural emotions... #

How the fuck does he know where I live?

SHE GROANS

# And if I start a commotion... #

CRASH

LOUD GROANING

You fucking doughnut.

SHE CHUCKLES

# Ever fallen in love with someone

# Ever fallen in love, in love with someone

# Ever fallen in love, in love with someone

# You shouldn't have fallen in love with

# I can't see much of a future

# Unless we find out what's to blame, what a shame

# And we won't be together much longer

# Unless we realise that we are the same... #

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