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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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(upbeat theme playing)
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♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
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♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
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Son, it's never too late
in life to learn a new skill.
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SOPHIE'S SON (on phone):
Says the woman who still can't whistle.
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I can whistle!
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(blowing)
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SOPHIE'S SON: Please continue the story!
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With pleasure.
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(groans) Hey, guys.
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Sweetie, you're drenched in sweat!
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Were you chasing down Mr. Softee again?
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Oh. No.
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Photo gig at a kid's
birthday in Yonkers.
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I had to take four trains,
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two cabs, and one very creepy Uber.
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Look at you.
Big round eyes like a sexy owl.
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No!
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Why don't you just learn to drive?
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Sophie and I got our learner's permits
in college,
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but then we realized
driving is the worst!
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You have to be sober,
you can't lie down,
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and you have to wear this ugly belt.
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SOPHIE: Mm!
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Don't even get me started on left turns.
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What is this world where you
just pull into the intersection
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and trust a stranger's
not going to kill you?
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What's next? Anyone could just
go into a store and purchase a gun?
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Is no one gonna tell her?
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How are two adults not able to drive?
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Pretty cocky for a guy
who can't even shave
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- his own face. (chuckles)
- (shushing)
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You swore you wouldn't tell a soul!
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It's time people knew.
I'm sick of our arrangement!
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(soft jazz playing)
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I grew up with a live-in barber.
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I was raised to believe
that shaving your own face
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is only something men from Essex did.
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Plus, it's scary.
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You're a New Yorker now.
You gotta toughen up, kid!
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Oh, says the woman who's too scared
to confront her coworker?
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I told you about Rhonda in confidence!
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Who's Rhonda?
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♪
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R-Rhonda?
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Oh, my bad.
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Here's a breast.
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She keeps her dipping sauces
on our printer.
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So, just talk to her.
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I can't. I'm extremely conflict averse,
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and she's terrifying.
She eats the bones.
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(scoffs)
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At least I'm not a bar owner
who can't chug a beer.
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That's right. He sips like a simp!
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Okay, fine. I don't chug.
I prefer taking baby sips
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'cause beer is a little tickly.
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Hey, my creepy gym teacher
was a little tickly, okay?
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Beer is delicious.
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Guys, I just had a brilliant idea.
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Oh, thank God because I thought
we were gonna have to unpack
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his creepy gym teacher thing.
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Back in college,
Jesse and I came up with this,
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this incredible motivational technique.
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- Hell yeah.
- Right?
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- So some people respond to rewards.
- Hm...
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Others respond to
the fear of punishment.
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That's right.
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So we combined the two
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- to create reward-ishment.
- Hm...
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Say we needed to get some laundry done.
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JESSE: We'd give ourselves a deadline,
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and if we'd made it, we'd
reward ourselves with, say,
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- a nice steak dinner.
- (soft music playing)
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But, if we didn't,
we'd punish ourselves.
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(sighs)
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BOTH: Three, two, one.
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- (zapping)
- (both screaming)
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Hot tip.
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Always pee before you tase.
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I say we give ourselves 48 hours
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to accomplish our goals.
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If one of us fails, we all get punished.
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But if we all succeed,
we get a sweet, sweet reward.
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Ooh! Reward pitch.
Have a group sleepover
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and put all of our
beds together to create
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one giant bed.
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- Like a mega-bed?
- You bet your ass!
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- (excited squeal)
- Alright, alright. We've got a reward.
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Now, the punishment.
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I got it!
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The nastiest thing...
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(dripping)
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in this bar...
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is the drink mat.
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Full of, uh-huh,
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what we in the industry
call "the drippings."
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All the spillage from all those drinks.
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So, I'm saying if, 48 hours from now,
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one of us fails to accomplish our goal,
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we each take a shot at the drippings.
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- (retching)
- SOPHIE: No!
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Okay, we're doing this!
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Shave, chug, drive, drive,
confront Rhonda.
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Let's go, team!
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Wait, Jesse!
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- Yeah?
- What is your thing?
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My thing? Oh, well, I-I'm terrible
at remembering people's goals,
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but, hey! I just did it,
so that's one down, five to go.
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Good luck, you guys!
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- (all booing)
- VALENTINA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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(groaning sigh) Alright, fine.
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There is...
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one thing I've never
been able to accomplish.
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("Sandstorm" by
Darude playing on laptop)
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JESSE: Back in my competitive
hooping days,
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there was one trick I
could never master.
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The "vertical lasso catch and release."
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(all groan)
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- It, uh...
- (video stops)
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(emotional): kept me from going
to nationals in Orlando.
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Okay. You heard the man.
This is his... creepy goal.
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Okay. Everybody has their thing.
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Reward-ishment timer
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- starts... now.
- (beep)
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(Jesse exhales sharply)
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- VALENTINA: Woo-hoo!
- ELLEN: Whoa, whoa!
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JESSE: Come on.
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♪
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Hey, look at you, J-Dog!
You're doing your trick.
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No, I'm not. This is
just regular hooping.
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Jesse, we're just
trying to be supportive.
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Nobody gets what you're trying to do.
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I already told you!
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A vertical lasso catch and release.
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The hoop is supposed to dance
up my body, like a playful snake,
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and then launch into the air,
and then I catch it on my leg.
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What about this don't you understand?
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Why you want to do it,
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how it fits in with the rest
of your personality,
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and why you ran out to buy new underwear
just for this?
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They're not just underwear, okay?
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Those are regulation satin hula boxers.
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Do you want me to get "hoop hip"?
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No, dude, we want you to do your trick,
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so we can move on to our stuff.
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(energetic music playing on radio)
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Was that the catch or the release?
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♪
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(gags)
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You barely consumed a single drop.
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There might be more
beer in the glass now.
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This is supposed to be a safe space.
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♪
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- There's really nothing to it.
- SID: Mm-hmm.
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Slow and steady. With the grain.
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- Okay.
- Come on.
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Alright. Here goes nothing.
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Okay.
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Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Get th... get the blade.
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Oh, my God.
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- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Sid!
- Okay! Oh! Sh...
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Whoa, whoa. You know, hey,
m-maybe you're not ready.
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♪
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Rhonda, enough is enough.
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This is a shared workspace,
and I need you to respect that.
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Perfect.
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Firm, clear, fair. The Ellen way.
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- What's the Ellen way?
- Oh, my God.
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Nothing. I-I'm sorry.
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Rhonda, we need to talk.
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Me first.
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I got us an office snake.
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Don't mind the smell.
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Reptile musk is a defense mechanism,
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and my girl is very on edge.
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♪
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Jesse, I choked.
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I need you to teach me
how to express my anger.
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00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,224
What makes you think I know
how to express my anger?
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Damn it, you fickle disgrace of a toy!
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00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,855
You're nothing compared to a jump rope!
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You piece... Yeah, no, I-I can help you.
I think it's...
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Yeah.
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♪
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(bell ringing)
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Oh, my God. $500 for driving school?
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00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,909
That's like a hundred $5 footlongs!
188
00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:35,455
Wow. I just did that in my head.
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00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,499
Damn. You're like a Goodwill Hunter.
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Doesn't matter.
We have to learn how to drive
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because we don't wanna
drink the drippings.
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Hm...
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Hi, Sophie and Valentina?
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00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,260
My name is Phyllis.
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00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:52,388
I've taught 4,000 people how to drive,
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00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:55,308
including the two Gyllenhaal siblings.
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00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,312
I just need you to
pass a little eye exam.
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00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,980
Uh-huh.
199
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,566
- (quietly): Whisper the answers to me.
- (quietly): What? Why?
200
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,860
I can't see for shit,
okay? Just help me.
201
00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,490
- (quietly): G.
- C!
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00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,450
G. What are you, deaf, too?
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00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,826
G.
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00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:16,280
E.
205
00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:17,580
C.
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00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,707
No. E.
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00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,877
Clearly you're cheating.
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00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,338
Sophie, I'll go get
your enrollment paperwork.
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00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:28,508
Valentina, get your eyes checked.
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00:08:30,084 --> 00:08:31,919
Wait. You can't see?
211
00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:33,321
It's not that bad!
212
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,432
I can see things up close,
just not far away.
213
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,768
Okay, so why don't you wear glasses?
214
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,853
Ew, what am I, a liberal arts professor?
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00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,689
(scoffs) Okay, contacts.
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00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:44,774
(groans)
217
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:48,194
(whiny): I'm scared of touching my eyes.
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00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,278
♪
219
00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:51,197
(normal): I wanna change my goal.
220
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,324
I need to learn how to put in contacts.
221
00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,078
I'll allow it.
222
00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:00,581
What is happening here?
223
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,334
Well, I decided to practice on a zone
224
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,253
where no one would
see it if I cut myself.
225
00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,835
Absolutely shredded my taint, so...
226
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,385
onto the legs. All right.
(grunting) Okay...
227
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,428
- (sighs)
- SOPHIE: Okay.
228
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:18,933
- Oh, my God.
- (squeals)
229
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,393
Oh, my God, I'm doing it. Look!
230
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,727
- CHARLIE: I'm shaving!
- SOPHIE: You are!
231
00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:23,729
I'm like a regular Michael Phelps!
232
00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,439
- Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
- (screams)
233
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:27,483
- Oh shit! Are you okay?
- There's a lot of blood!
234
00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,902
Put pressure on it. Put pressure on it!
235
00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,488
It's fine. It's fine. Honestly,
it's just a little nick. It's...
236
00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,574
Oh, my God! I'm gonna die!
237
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,658
- SID: Mm-hmm.
- Oh! Oh, my God!
238
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,578
Sophie, if I die,
you can have my garden gnome collection,
239
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,747
but find them a nice place
in the sun, would you? Oh, my God...
240
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,291
SID: Okay, that's enough! That's enough!
241
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,984
- I'm taking you to the hospital, okay!?
- Okay. Okay.
242
00:09:45,009 --> 00:09:47,270
- Oh! My... (retches)
- Just put...
243
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,505
Just keep pressure on it!
You're really bleeding, dude!
244
00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:50,673
SID: Jesus Christ...
245
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,008
(Charlie yelling)
246
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,926
CHARLIE: Oh! Careful with my taint! Ah!
247
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:02,727
S-so I told the kidnapper
that you can carve me up all you want.
248
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,313
Just, just let the girl go.
249
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,356
I know you cut yourself shaving.
250
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,401
Hey. You're a nurse.
251
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:11,611
What gave it away?
252
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,364
Well, I'm pretty sure I have
this medical condition
253
00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:16,824
that prevents me from chugging beer.
254
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,225
Do you know what it's called?
255
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:20,828
I saw two patients die this morning.
256
00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,331
From what I have?
257
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,837
Dude, this sucks! We're gonna
have to drink all the drippings,
258
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,088
and it's gonna be my fault.
259
00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,257
No, it won't. It'll be mine.
260
00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:36,052
I mean, I'm way too scared
to try shaving myself again.
261
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,138
If only there was another way
I could practice.
262
00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,407
NURSE: Someone will be right in
263
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,141
to shave you for surgery, Mr. Smithyman.
264
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,313
♪
265
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,482
Okay. I'll be Rhonda,
and you just be you.
266
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,525
And just tell me how you feel
about me, alright? Let 'er rip.
267
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:53,402
Okay. It's about to rip.
268
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:54,820
Here we go.
269
00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,614
(high-pitched):
Hey, Ellen. It's me, Rhonda.
270
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,824
I'm a big old jerk who likes chicken,
271
00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,077
but not jerk chicken.
Just chicken-chicken!
272
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,286
I can't rip to this.
273
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,665
Y-you sound like Julia Child.
274
00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,917
Also, the vibe in here
is nothing like my office.
275
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,336
Okay, just focus, alright?
W-we're not in my apartment.
276
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,629
We're in your office.
277
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,215
- (oven dings)
- My pizza bagel's ready.
278
00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,592
(high-pitched): I mean, my chicken
bagel's ready.
279
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,222
(whistling)
280
00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,307
Good day!
281
00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:24,642
Ready for your shave?
282
00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,143
Ready as I'll ever be.
283
00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:28,604
(nervous laugh)
Oh, yeah. I feel you there.
284
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,648
Right.
285
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,608
(exhales)
286
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,612
Hey...
287
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,942
Hey, look at this. I'm doing it.
288
00:11:39,204 --> 00:11:40,684
- What?
- What?
289
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,452
♪
290
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:44,995
Cross me off the list.
291
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,039
I am a shaver!
292
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,251
A celebratory drink
to celebrate my smooth face,
293
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,545
and Mr. Smithyman's
successful triple bypass.
294
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,005
Am I touching my eye?
295
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:56,882
- No.
- (Valentina whimpers)
296
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,927
Someone come help
push the back of my neck!
297
00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:02,888
To my success,
298
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:06,892
and to being one step
closer to mega-bed.
299
00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:10,688
Ah!
300
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,898
Spicy! Spicy?
301
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:14,650
Why is champagne spicy?
302
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,111
(singing quietly): ♪ Squeezing peppers
is such fun ♪
303
00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:19,722
♪ Squeezing peppers
to burn Sid's tongue ♪
304
00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,616
Look at that. We haven't got any water.
305
00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:24,910
- Oh man!
- We've only got this pint of beer.
306
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:28,080
Mm... Mm...
307
00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:32,543
(sighs)
308
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,420
Ah...
309
00:12:37,593 --> 00:12:39,091
I did it.
310
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,676
I just chugged a beer!
311
00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,638
And I'm keeping it down!
Okay, thank you, Charlie!
312
00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,891
I always knew there was
a chugger inside of you,
313
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,642
just waiting to chug.
314
00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:50,686
Hey, look at that! I did me.
315
00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:53,105
I did Sid. Valentina...
316
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:54,982
Why don't I put the contact in your eye
317
00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,609
to show you that it's no big deal?
318
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,486
Hit me.
319
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:05,242
Ow! Ow, ow, ow! My eye is burning!
What the hell is happening?
320
00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:06,824
(nervous laugh) Probably had a bit of
321
00:13:06,848 --> 00:13:08,329
residual pepper juice on my fingers...
322
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,164
I need to go to a hospital!
323
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:11,499
- SID: Okay! Hospital!
- Ow!
324
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,542
- Ow! Ow!
- This way. This way.
325
00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,002
- CHARLIE: There we go!
- Here we go!
326
00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,587
- Here we go!
- VALENTINA: I can't see. Somebody...
327
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,671
♪
328
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,132
You're doing great, sweetheart.
329
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,009
Thank you!
330
00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:25,054
I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little
distracted by the students in the back.
331
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,557
(sighs) Okay, make a left here.
332
00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:31,519
Actually, can we do left turns last?
333
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,687
I'm more of a "three
rights" kind of gal.
334
00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:37,149
Hey! This is driving school, not...
335
00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:40,319
"bump and grind" academy! Now, quit it!
336
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,780
(sighs, gasps)
337
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,907
(gasping)
338
00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:47,076
I think I'm having a heart attack!
339
00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:50,079
Can a single woman have a widow-maker?
340
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:53,332
Oh, my God! Oh God! Okay. Oh, my God.
341
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:54,625
You're gonna be okay.
342
00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:55,626
- Okay.
- You're...
343
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,087
Oh, snap. She's, like, dying.
344
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,713
PHYLLIS: (gasping breaths) Okay.
345
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:01,966
Th-there's a hospital right up here.
346
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,509
You sh... You should make a left.
347
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,386
D-do we have time for three rights?
348
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,055
- Left!
- (screaming)
349
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:11,976
- Make a left! Make a left!
- (whimpering, screaming)
350
00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:14,311
Okay, we're here. Let's Rhonda you up.
351
00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,396
What does that mean?
352
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,982
Put on her blazer,
353
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,776
and, uh... Ooh! Okay.
354
00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:23,487
- (singing) ♪ Ba-da, ba-bup ♪
- Pretty weird.
355
00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:24,738
ELLEN: Mm...
356
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:25,911
Bingo.
357
00:14:25,936 --> 00:14:27,020
(high-pitched): Ellen!
358
00:14:27,045 --> 00:14:29,089
A little lower, like... Ellen.
359
00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,037
- (lower): Ellen.
- That's too low. Ellen.
360
00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,961
- Ellen?
- That's perfect!
361
00:14:34,586 --> 00:14:35,833
Oh!
362
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:37,668
What are you doing here?
363
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:41,179
I came to feed my snake.
Why is that man wearing my clothes?
364
00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:42,923
Where's Sonna Plane?
365
00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:45,426
- She's out of her terrarium!
- We don't know!
366
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,677
Wait, is there a snake on the loose?
367
00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,888
Why did you name your snake Sonna Plane?
368
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,472
Oh. (laughs)
369
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,474
I see what you did there,
Rhonda. It's... Ah!
370
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,852
♪
371
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,396
Oh! M-my brother got bit by a snake!
372
00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,356
I also have a mole
I'd like to have checked.
373
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,067
- Okay.
- Guys, what are you doing here?
374
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,778
Wait, Sophie? Why are you here?
375
00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:07,489
My driving instructor
had a heart attack!
376
00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:10,492
Um, your friend choked
and couldn't make a left turn,
377
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,244
so I had to drive her to the hospital.
378
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:13,495
It was so hot.
379
00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,291
- Hickey for the hero?
- (giggles)
380
00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,294
You really need to grow up.
381
00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,130
Oh my God.
382
00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:24,298
♪
383
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,053
♪
384
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:32,056
We're gonna have to wash your eye
in a variety of liquids.
385
00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:34,266
You're gonna need
three washes, six drops,
386
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,060
cold gel, warm gel,
387
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,287
then back to two more washes,
388
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,439
probably another gel,
389
00:15:40,464 --> 00:15:42,750
we're gonna go for about
four more drops, and then...
390
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,027
♪
391
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:48,489
Contacts have made contact.
392
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,210
Hoo, after what my eyes
have been through today,
393
00:15:50,235 --> 00:15:51,695
there's nothing they can't handle.
394
00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:54,912
That's what you guys look like?
395
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,665
Wow. Most of you look pretty good.
396
00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,583
Cross my name off, too!
397
00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:01,710
- Wait, you told off Rhonda?
- Oh, yeah.
398
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,462
Somebody suck the poison out!
399
00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:06,382
There's no poison.
I had her poison bags removed.
400
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,092
Your father's being a real sissy.
401
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,219
Did she say "father"?
402
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,929
You know what, Rhonda? Enough.
403
00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:15,599
You can crowd my workspace
and stink up this office with chicken,
404
00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,601
but you do not mess with Jesse.
405
00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,311
Jesse, I'm doing
it! I'm telling her off!
406
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,480
So proud of you. Can we please
go to the hospital now?
407
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,564
ELLEN: Oh!
408
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,235
And then, I was like,
"Take that, bitch!"
409
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:29,029
But, I-I-I kept that inside
410
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:31,407
'cause I-I would never say "bitch".
411
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:34,952
Well, only a few hours before midnight,
412
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,829
and we still have two
people on the board.
413
00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:38,789
You want me to teach you how to drive?
414
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,165
Fine.
415
00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,835
But you have to let me
teach you how to hula hoop.
416
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,046
- You spin?
- No, of course not.
417
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:48,298
♪
418
00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,676
(gentle voice): Okay, now that the car's
in drive,
419
00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,137
you're going to slowly
lift your foot off the brake
420
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:56,598
and very gently apply
that same foot to the gas pedal.
421
00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,476
Very good. Well done.
422
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:04,773
I've never heard you speak
in this weird, gentle voice before.
423
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,567
Oh yeah, it's my
elementary school teacher voice.
424
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,527
It's how I talk to keep the kids
from peeing themselves
425
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:10,446
when I take their smartphones away.
426
00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:14,450
There is absolutely
no pressure, okay? But,
427
00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,869
- we've got a left-hand turn coming up.
- Oh...
428
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,830
So, we're just going to turn
on your blinker
429
00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,874
- and get into the left lane...
- (sighs) Okay.
430
00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,752
- (whining)
- ...out into the intersection.
431
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,920
- (yelling whine)
- Coast is clear...
432
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,131
(blinker clicking)
433
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,008
Ah! I'm doing it!
434
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,885
- I'm turning left!
- Mm-hmm.
435
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,763
(laughing) Check this out!
436
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:37,931
- And another left!
- Mm-hmm.
437
00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:40,517
(laughs) And another left!
438
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,271
Ha! (gasps) I'm a professional driver.
439
00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:46,148
- One-way street!
- (screaming)
440
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,442
- (cars honking)
- (gasping)
441
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:51,153
- Ho...
- (Jesse panting)
442
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,113
(sighs)
443
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,741
- Why don't we celebrate, huh?
- I just learned how to drive.
444
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,451
I don't think I should be boozing.
445
00:17:58,118 --> 00:18:00,245
But if you wanna be
the designated driver...
446
00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:03,749
Well, that's sparkling cider, but I
appreciate how responsible you are.
447
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,834
Ah. Aw...
448
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,961
♪
449
00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:09,713
We're almost out of time.
450
00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,632
You gonna practice
your hoop trick or what?
451
00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,801
Mm. Yeah, I'm not
gonna be able to do it.
452
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:16,053
- You don't know that.
- Yeah, I do.
453
00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,888
It-it's a mental thing.
454
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,082
I mean, the truth is, I actually could
455
00:18:19,106 --> 00:18:20,432
do the vertical lasso for a while,
456
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:21,892
and then I just lost it.
457
00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:24,895
Remember that video I showed you,
the moment where I dropped the hoop?
458
00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:27,856
That's 'cause I just realized
that my mom hadn't shown up.
459
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:29,733
She was supposed to fly in from Iowa,
460
00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:31,902
and she flaked, and I don't know.
There's something about
461
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,966
not having a single family member
462
00:18:33,991 --> 00:18:36,077
in the audience to support me, you know?
463
00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:39,159
- Oh.
- Yeah.
464
00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,162
Oy...
465
00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:44,540
So, what...
466
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:48,502
What does a perfect
vertical lasso catch and release...
467
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,546
- Mm-hmm.
- ...(laughs) even look like?
468
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:52,047
It truly does not matter.
469
00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:54,133
Come on. Show me.
470
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,678
Okay. Okay. Here.
471
00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:00,597
Alright, well...
472
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,474
(clears throat) here's a video
473
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,060
of my favorite hooper doing it.
474
00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:08,063
Shut up. She was a legend, alright?
475
00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,982
I used to have her posters
all over my room as a kid.
476
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,942
- Oh, I bet you did.
- Mm-hmm.
477
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:13,360
(giggles)
478
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,155
Oh, my God. (gasps)
479
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,866
She's pure magic.
480
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,453
I love that you're so into this.
481
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,538
(laughs)
482
00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:28,917
(phone dings)
483
00:19:30,192 --> 00:19:31,526
Ooh, look at that. You...
484
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,339
- matched with Dana.
- (laughs) Uh, yeah.
485
00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:35,841
I'm sorry. That wasn't, uh...
486
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,634
Oh. No. Why are you sorry?
487
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,013
I don't know. Um, I'm not, I guess?
488
00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,640
I didn't know that you
were back on the apps.
489
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,684
Yeah. I was... I mean,
it's all very new, you know?
490
00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,519
And I just figured it's been
a while since Meredith, so...
491
00:19:47,544 --> 00:19:48,879
Oh, totally.
492
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:50,981
I think it's great.
493
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,192
Cool. Thanks.
494
00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:55,986
- We should get back.
- Yeah.
495
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:57,321
Oh!
496
00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,239
I know that I can drive now,
497
00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,742
but I will not be your
personal chauffeur.
498
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,119
Oh-ho! Excuse me. Okay.
499
00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,329
She can drive!
500
00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,539
- Cross her name off the list!
- (all cheering)
501
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,875
And my vertical lasso
catch and release...
502
00:20:10,187 --> 00:20:11,668
isn't gonna happen.
503
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:14,046
Why would you say it like that?
504
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,924
Sorry, guys. I'll do the honors
of lining up the drippings.
505
00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,509
Seriously? You're not even gonna try?
506
00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,554
You said you couldn't do it
without family...
507
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,266
Is there more to that?
508
00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,602
I was gonna say that we're your family,
509
00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,520
but then that felt
so corny, so I bailed.
510
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,439
But we're almost out of time,
so just try it!
511
00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:36,151
Screw it. Charlie!
Assemble my collapsible hoop!
512
00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:38,237
- (Sophie clapping)
- Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
513
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:43,700
Sis! Put on Darude's
1999 EDM hit "Sandstorm".
514
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,410
Just look it up.
515
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:48,914
- (song starts playing)
- SID: Oh!
516
00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:51,166
- (encouraging chatter)
- SID: Uh-oh!
517
00:20:51,328 --> 00:20:53,514
- SOPHIE: Woo!
- SID: Yeah, get it, baby!
518
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,881
- Oh!
- Jesse! Jesse! Jesse! Yeah!
519
00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,551
Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!
520
00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:05,097
(cheering)
521
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,890
(slow motion whooshing)
522
00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:10,477
(inspirational synth music playing)
523
00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:15,440
(slow motion whooshing)
524
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,317
(slow motion screaming)
525
00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:19,611
- (screaming)
- (all cheering)
526
00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,238
("Sandstorm" continues)
527
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,698
Yes! Yes!
528
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,074
Yeah!
529
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:25,909
- (all cheering)
- Guys...
530
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,746
It's 10 minutes past the deadline.
We didn't make the cut.
531
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:31,081
- (hoop drops)
- What?
532
00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,583
No, it's good enough! We...
533
00:21:33,583 --> 00:21:35,711
We were so close. It's good enough!
534
00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,795
No!
535
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,339
Them's the rules.
536
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,801
We've gotta drink the drippings.
537
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:43,927
♪
538
00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,555
(all groaning)
539
00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:47,931
SID: (groans) Oh yeah.
540
00:21:47,931 --> 00:21:49,141
(retching)
541
00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:52,811
("How Dare You Want More"
by Bleachers playing)
542
00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,062
(shudders)
543
00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:56,690
And that's how I learned to drive.
544
00:21:56,690 --> 00:22:00,193
And how we all got bacterial meningitis.
545
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,404
♪ How dare you want more ♪
546
00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:05,449
♪ How dare you want more ♪
547
00:22:06,374 --> 00:22:10,374
- Synced and corrected by synk -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
39427
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