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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,713 (upbeat theme playing) 2 00:00:05,046 --> 00:00:08,216 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ 3 00:00:08,216 --> 00:00:12,178 ♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ 4 00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:19,227 Son, it's never too late in life to learn a new skill. 5 00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:21,705 SOPHIE'S SON (on phone): Says the woman who still can't whistle. 6 00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:22,814 I can whistle! 7 00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:26,526 (blowing) 8 00:00:29,654 --> 00:00:31,197 SOPHIE'S SON: Please continue the story! 9 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:33,867 With pleasure. 10 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,704 (groans) Hey, guys. 11 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,290 Sweetie, you're drenched in sweat! 12 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:42,208 Were you chasing down Mr. Softee again? 13 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,752 Oh. No. 14 00:00:43,752 --> 00:00:46,254 Photo gig at a kid's birthday in Yonkers. 15 00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:48,173 I had to take four trains, 16 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:50,717 two cabs, and one very creepy Uber. 17 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:55,221 Look at you. Big round eyes like a sexy owl. 18 00:00:55,221 --> 00:00:56,639 No! 19 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,475 Why don't you just learn to drive? 20 00:00:58,641 --> 00:01:01,019 Sophie and I got our learner's permits in college, 21 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:03,730 but then we realized driving is the worst! 22 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:05,899 You have to be sober, you can't lie down, 23 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,400 and you have to wear this ugly belt. 24 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,777 SOPHIE: Mm! 25 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:10,987 Don't even get me started on left turns. 26 00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,074 What is this world where you just pull into the intersection 27 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,743 and trust a stranger's not going to kill you? 28 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:20,080 What's next? Anyone could just go into a store and purchase a gun? 29 00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,415 Is no one gonna tell her? 30 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,919 How are two adults not able to drive? 31 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,754 Pretty cocky for a guy who can't even shave 32 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,047 - his own face. (chuckles) - (shushing) 33 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,757 You swore you wouldn't tell a soul! 34 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,218 It's time people knew. I'm sick of our arrangement! 35 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:36,971 (soft jazz playing) 36 00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,224 I grew up with a live-in barber. 37 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:41,142 I was raised to believe that shaving your own face 38 00:01:41,142 --> 00:01:43,686 is only something men from Essex did. 39 00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:45,063 Plus, it's scary. 40 00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:47,982 You're a New Yorker now. You gotta toughen up, kid! 41 00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:51,194 Oh, says the woman who's too scared to confront her coworker? 42 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:52,904 I told you about Rhonda in confidence! 43 00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:54,114 Who's Rhonda? 44 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,198 ♪ 45 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:56,407 R-Rhonda? 46 00:01:57,742 --> 00:01:59,285 Oh, my bad. 47 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,620 Here's a breast. 48 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:05,583 She keeps her dipping sauces on our printer. 49 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,460 So, just talk to her. 50 00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:10,255 I can't. I'm extremely conflict averse, 51 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,841 and she's terrifying. She eats the bones. 52 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:14,217 (scoffs) 53 00:02:14,717 --> 00:02:16,803 At least I'm not a bar owner who can't chug a beer. 54 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:19,139 That's right. He sips like a simp! 55 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:23,518 Okay, fine. I don't chug. I prefer taking baby sips 56 00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:26,354 'cause beer is a little tickly. 57 00:02:26,354 --> 00:02:28,857 Hey, my creepy gym teacher was a little tickly, okay? 58 00:02:28,857 --> 00:02:30,275 Beer is delicious. 59 00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:33,611 Guys, I just had a brilliant idea. 60 00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,822 Oh, thank God because I thought we were gonna have to unpack 61 00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:38,032 his creepy gym teacher thing. 62 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:40,660 Back in college, Jesse and I came up with this, 63 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:42,495 this incredible motivational technique. 64 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:43,788 - Hell yeah. - Right? 65 00:02:43,788 --> 00:02:46,374 - So some people respond to rewards. - Hm... 66 00:02:46,374 --> 00:02:48,877 Others respond to the fear of punishment. 67 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:49,878 That's right. 68 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:51,629 So we combined the two 69 00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:54,883 - to create reward-ishment. - Hm... 70 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,093 Say we needed to get some laundry done. 71 00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,720 JESSE: We'd give ourselves a deadline, 72 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,806 and if we'd made it, we'd reward ourselves with, say, 73 00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:04,184 - a nice steak dinner. - (soft music playing) 74 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,853 But, if we didn't, we'd punish ourselves. 75 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:08,897 (sighs) 76 00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,482 BOTH: Three, two, one. 77 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:13,526 - (zapping) - (both screaming) 78 00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:15,486 Hot tip. 79 00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:17,530 Always pee before you tase. 80 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,910 I say we give ourselves 48 hours 81 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:23,203 to accomplish our goals. 82 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,914 If one of us fails, we all get punished. 83 00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:29,417 But if we all succeed, we get a sweet, sweet reward. 84 00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:32,795 Ooh! Reward pitch. Have a group sleepover 85 00:03:32,795 --> 00:03:34,964 and put all of our beds together to create 86 00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:36,591 one giant bed. 87 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,426 - Like a mega-bed? - You bet your ass! 88 00:03:38,426 --> 00:03:40,803 - (excited squeal) - Alright, alright. We've got a reward. 89 00:03:40,803 --> 00:03:42,805 Now, the punishment. 90 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,780 I got it! 91 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:47,936 The nastiest thing... 92 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:50,188 (dripping) 93 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,648 in this bar... 94 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,901 is the drink mat. 95 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,236 Full of, uh-huh, 96 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,780 what we in the industry call "the drippings." 97 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:02,617 All the spillage from all those drinks. 98 00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:05,370 So, I'm saying if, 48 hours from now, 99 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,830 one of us fails to accomplish our goal, 100 00:04:08,226 --> 00:04:10,166 we each take a shot at the drippings. 101 00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:11,584 - (retching) - SOPHIE: No! 102 00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,169 Okay, we're doing this! 103 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:17,632 Shave, chug, drive, drive, confront Rhonda. 104 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:18,883 Let's go, team! 105 00:04:18,908 --> 00:04:20,240 Wait, Jesse! 106 00:04:20,265 --> 00:04:22,559 - Yeah? - What is your thing? 107 00:04:22,843 --> 00:04:25,765 My thing? Oh, well, I-I'm terrible at remembering people's goals, 108 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,726 but, hey! I just did it, so that's one down, five to go. 109 00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,228 Good luck, you guys! 110 00:04:30,228 --> 00:04:32,447 - (all booing) - VALENTINA: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 111 00:04:32,472 --> 00:04:34,808 (groaning sigh) Alright, fine. 112 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,901 There is... 113 00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:39,445 one thing I've never been able to accomplish. 114 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,489 ("Sandstorm" by Darude playing on laptop) 115 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,283 JESSE: Back in my competitive hooping days, 116 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,535 there was one trick I could never master. 117 00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,455 The "vertical lasso catch and release." 118 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:49,898 (all groan) 119 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,041 - It, uh... - (video stops) 120 00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:54,627 (emotional): kept me from going to nationals in Orlando. 121 00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:59,507 Okay. You heard the man. This is his... creepy goal. 122 00:04:59,507 --> 00:05:01,551 Okay. Everybody has their thing. 123 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,246 Reward-ishment timer 124 00:05:03,271 --> 00:05:05,524 - starts... now. - (beep) 125 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,723 (Jesse exhales sharply) 126 00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:07,974 - VALENTINA: Woo-hoo! - ELLEN: Whoa, whoa! 127 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,538 JESSE: Come on. 128 00:05:12,293 --> 00:05:13,711 ♪ 129 00:05:13,736 --> 00:05:16,082 Hey, look at you, J-Dog! You're doing your trick. 130 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:18,109 No, I'm not. This is just regular hooping. 131 00:05:18,109 --> 00:05:19,777 Jesse, we're just trying to be supportive. 132 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:21,195 Nobody gets what you're trying to do. 133 00:05:21,195 --> 00:05:22,572 I already told you! 134 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:25,116 A vertical lasso catch and release. 135 00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:28,703 The hoop is supposed to dance up my body, like a playful snake, 136 00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:32,040 and then launch into the air, and then I catch it on my leg. 137 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:34,542 What about this don't you understand? 138 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:35,702 Why you want to do it, 139 00:05:35,727 --> 00:05:37,520 how it fits in with the rest of your personality, 140 00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:39,797 and why you ran out to buy new underwear just for this? 141 00:05:39,797 --> 00:05:41,257 They're not just underwear, okay? 142 00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:43,301 Those are regulation satin hula boxers. 143 00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:44,469 Do you want me to get "hoop hip"? 144 00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,220 No, dude, we want you to do your trick, 145 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:47,722 so we can move on to our stuff. 146 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,516 (energetic music playing on radio) 147 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:52,727 Was that the catch or the release? 148 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:54,687 ♪ 149 00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:02,545 (gags) 150 00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:04,322 You barely consumed a single drop. 151 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:06,699 There might be more beer in the glass now. 152 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,744 This is supposed to be a safe space. 153 00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,329 ♪ 154 00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,748 - There's really nothing to it. - SID: Mm-hmm. 155 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:17,210 Slow and steady. With the grain. 156 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,336 - Okay. - Come on. 157 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,380 Alright. Here goes nothing. 158 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,672 Okay. 159 00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:24,986 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Get th... get the blade. 160 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,149 Oh, my God. 161 00:06:26,174 --> 00:06:27,380 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Sid! - Okay! Oh! Sh... 162 00:06:27,405 --> 00:06:30,014 Whoa, whoa. You know, hey, m-maybe you're not ready. 163 00:06:30,014 --> 00:06:31,933 ♪ 164 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,976 Rhonda, enough is enough. 165 00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:37,063 This is a shared workspace, and I need you to respect that. 166 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:40,484 Perfect. 167 00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:43,778 Firm, clear, fair. The Ellen way. 168 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,863 - What's the Ellen way? - Oh, my God. 169 00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:48,324 Nothing. I-I'm sorry. 170 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,077 Rhonda, we need to talk. 171 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,412 Me first. 172 00:06:55,164 --> 00:06:56,749 I got us an office snake. 173 00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,669 Don't mind the smell. 174 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,754 Reptile musk is a defense mechanism, 175 00:07:01,754 --> 00:07:03,923 and my girl is very on edge. 176 00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,925 ♪ 177 00:07:06,342 --> 00:07:08,177 Jesse, I choked. 178 00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:10,972 I need you to teach me how to express my anger. 179 00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:13,224 What makes you think I know how to express my anger? 180 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:16,519 Damn it, you fickle disgrace of a toy! 181 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,855 You're nothing compared to a jump rope! 182 00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:21,441 You piece... Yeah, no, I-I can help you. I think it's... 183 00:07:21,632 --> 00:07:23,025 Yeah. 184 00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,277 ♪ 185 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,403 (bell ringing) 186 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:29,031 Oh, my God. $500 for driving school? 187 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,909 That's like a hundred $5 footlongs! 188 00:07:32,910 --> 00:07:35,455 Wow. I just did that in my head. 189 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:38,499 Damn. You're like a Goodwill Hunter. 190 00:07:39,917 --> 00:07:41,794 Doesn't matter. We have to learn how to drive 191 00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,212 because we don't wanna drink the drippings. 192 00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,297 Hm... 193 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:47,633 Hi, Sophie and Valentina? 194 00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,260 My name is Phyllis. 195 00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:52,388 I've taught 4,000 people how to drive, 196 00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:55,308 including the two Gyllenhaal siblings. 197 00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,312 I just need you to pass a little eye exam. 198 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,980 Uh-huh. 199 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:03,566 - (quietly): Whisper the answers to me. - (quietly): What? Why? 200 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,860 I can't see for shit, okay? Just help me. 201 00:08:09,030 --> 00:08:10,490 - (quietly): G. - C! 202 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,450 G. What are you, deaf, too? 203 00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,826 G. 204 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:16,280 E. 205 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:17,580 C. 206 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:19,707 No. E. 207 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,877 Clearly you're cheating. 208 00:08:22,877 --> 00:08:25,338 Sophie, I'll go get your enrollment paperwork. 209 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:28,508 Valentina, get your eyes checked. 210 00:08:30,084 --> 00:08:31,919 Wait. You can't see? 211 00:08:31,944 --> 00:08:33,321 It's not that bad! 212 00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:36,432 I can see things up close, just not far away. 213 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,768 Okay, so why don't you wear glasses? 214 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:40,853 Ew, what am I, a liberal arts professor? 215 00:08:40,853 --> 00:08:43,689 (scoffs) Okay, contacts. 216 00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:44,774 (groans) 217 00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:48,194 (whiny): I'm scared of touching my eyes. 218 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:49,278 ♪ 219 00:08:49,278 --> 00:08:51,197 (normal): I wanna change my goal. 220 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,324 I need to learn how to put in contacts. 221 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,078 I'll allow it. 222 00:08:58,996 --> 00:09:00,581 What is happening here? 223 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,334 Well, I decided to practice on a zone 224 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,253 where no one would see it if I cut myself. 225 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,835 Absolutely shredded my taint, so... 226 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,385 onto the legs. All right. (grunting) Okay... 227 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,428 - (sighs) - SOPHIE: Okay. 228 00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:18,933 - Oh, my God. - (squeals) 229 00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,393 Oh, my God, I'm doing it. Look! 230 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:21,727 - CHARLIE: I'm shaving! - SOPHIE: You are! 231 00:09:21,727 --> 00:09:23,729 I'm like a regular Michael Phelps! 232 00:09:23,729 --> 00:09:25,439 - Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! - (screams) 233 00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:27,483 - Oh shit! Are you okay? - There's a lot of blood! 234 00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,902 Put pressure on it. Put pressure on it! 235 00:09:29,902 --> 00:09:32,488 It's fine. It's fine. Honestly, it's just a little nick. It's... 236 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,574 Oh, my God! I'm gonna die! 237 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:35,658 - SID: Mm-hmm. - Oh! Oh, my God! 238 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,578 Sophie, if I die, you can have my garden gnome collection, 239 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,747 but find them a nice place in the sun, would you? Oh, my God... 240 00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,291 SID: Okay, that's enough! That's enough! 241 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,984 - I'm taking you to the hospital, okay!? - Okay. Okay. 242 00:09:45,009 --> 00:09:47,270 - Oh! My... (retches) - Just put... 243 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,505 Just keep pressure on it! You're really bleeding, dude! 244 00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:50,673 SID: Jesus Christ... 245 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,008 (Charlie yelling) 246 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,926 CHARLIE: Oh! Careful with my taint! Ah! 247 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:02,727 S-so I told the kidnapper that you can carve me up all you want. 248 00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,313 Just, just let the girl go. 249 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,356 I know you cut yourself shaving. 250 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,401 Hey. You're a nurse. 251 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:11,611 What gave it away? 252 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:15,364 Well, I'm pretty sure I have this medical condition 253 00:10:15,364 --> 00:10:16,824 that prevents me from chugging beer. 254 00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,225 Do you know what it's called? 255 00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:20,828 I saw two patients die this morning. 256 00:10:22,038 --> 00:10:23,331 From what I have? 257 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,837 Dude, this sucks! We're gonna have to drink all the drippings, 258 00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,088 and it's gonna be my fault. 259 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,257 No, it won't. It'll be mine. 260 00:10:33,257 --> 00:10:36,052 I mean, I'm way too scared to try shaving myself again. 261 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,138 If only there was another way I could practice. 262 00:10:39,138 --> 00:10:40,407 NURSE: Someone will be right in 263 00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,141 to shave you for surgery, Mr. Smithyman. 264 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,313 ♪ 265 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,482 Okay. I'll be Rhonda, and you just be you. 266 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,525 And just tell me how you feel about me, alright? Let 'er rip. 267 00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:53,402 Okay. It's about to rip. 268 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:54,820 Here we go. 269 00:10:54,820 --> 00:10:56,614 (high-pitched): Hey, Ellen. It's me, Rhonda. 270 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,824 I'm a big old jerk who likes chicken, 271 00:10:58,824 --> 00:11:01,077 but not jerk chicken. Just chicken-chicken! 272 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,286 I can't rip to this. 273 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,665 Y-you sound like Julia Child. 274 00:11:05,790 --> 00:11:07,917 Also, the vibe in here is nothing like my office. 275 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:10,336 Okay, just focus, alright? W-we're not in my apartment. 276 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,629 We're in your office. 277 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,215 - (oven dings) - My pizza bagel's ready. 278 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,592 (high-pitched): I mean, my chicken bagel's ready. 279 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,222 (whistling) 280 00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,307 Good day! 281 00:11:23,307 --> 00:11:24,642 Ready for your shave? 282 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,143 Ready as I'll ever be. 283 00:11:26,143 --> 00:11:28,604 (nervous laugh) Oh, yeah. I feel you there. 284 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:30,648 Right. 285 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:32,608 (exhales) 286 00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,612 Hey... 287 00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:38,942 Hey, look at this. I'm doing it. 288 00:11:39,204 --> 00:11:40,684 - What? - What? 289 00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,452 ♪ 290 00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:44,995 Cross me off the list. 291 00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,039 I am a shaver! 292 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,251 A celebratory drink to celebrate my smooth face, 293 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:52,545 and Mr. Smithyman's successful triple bypass. 294 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,005 Am I touching my eye? 295 00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:56,882 - No. - (Valentina whimpers) 296 00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,927 Someone come help push the back of my neck! 297 00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:02,888 To my success, 298 00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:06,892 and to being one step closer to mega-bed. 299 00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:10,688 Ah! 300 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,898 Spicy! Spicy? 301 00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:14,650 Why is champagne spicy? 302 00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,111 (singing quietly): ♪ Squeezing peppers is such fun ♪ 303 00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:19,722 ♪ Squeezing peppers to burn Sid's tongue ♪ 304 00:12:20,781 --> 00:12:22,616 Look at that. We haven't got any water. 305 00:12:22,616 --> 00:12:24,910 - Oh man! - We've only got this pint of beer. 306 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:28,080 Mm... Mm... 307 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:32,543 (sighs) 308 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,420 Ah... 309 00:12:37,593 --> 00:12:39,091 I did it. 310 00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,676 I just chugged a beer! 311 00:12:41,552 --> 00:12:44,638 And I'm keeping it down! Okay, thank you, Charlie! 312 00:12:44,638 --> 00:12:46,891 I always knew there was a chugger inside of you, 313 00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,642 just waiting to chug. 314 00:12:49,226 --> 00:12:50,686 Hey, look at that! I did me. 315 00:12:50,686 --> 00:12:53,105 I did Sid. Valentina... 316 00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:54,982 Why don't I put the contact in your eye 317 00:12:54,982 --> 00:12:56,609 to show you that it's no big deal? 318 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,486 Hit me. 319 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:05,242 Ow! Ow, ow, ow! My eye is burning! What the hell is happening? 320 00:13:05,242 --> 00:13:06,824 (nervous laugh) Probably had a bit of 321 00:13:06,848 --> 00:13:08,329 residual pepper juice on my fingers... 322 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,164 I need to go to a hospital! 323 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:11,499 - SID: Okay! Hospital! - Ow! 324 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:13,542 - Ow! Ow! - This way. This way. 325 00:13:13,542 --> 00:13:15,002 - CHARLIE: There we go! - Here we go! 326 00:13:15,002 --> 00:13:16,587 - Here we go! - VALENTINA: I can't see. Somebody... 327 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:17,671 ♪ 328 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:20,132 You're doing great, sweetheart. 329 00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,009 Thank you! 330 00:13:22,134 --> 00:13:25,054 I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little distracted by the students in the back. 331 00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,557 (sighs) Okay, make a left here. 332 00:13:28,557 --> 00:13:31,519 Actually, can we do left turns last? 333 00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:33,687 I'm more of a "three rights" kind of gal. 334 00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:37,149 Hey! This is driving school, not... 335 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:40,319 "bump and grind" academy! Now, quit it! 336 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,780 (sighs, gasps) 337 00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,907 (gasping) 338 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:47,076 I think I'm having a heart attack! 339 00:13:47,076 --> 00:13:50,079 Can a single woman have a widow-maker? 340 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:53,332 Oh, my God! Oh God! Okay. Oh, my God. 341 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:54,625 You're gonna be okay. 342 00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:55,626 - Okay. - You're... 343 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,087 Oh, snap. She's, like, dying. 344 00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,713 PHYLLIS: (gasping breaths) Okay. 345 00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:01,966 Th-there's a hospital right up here. 346 00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:03,509 You sh... You should make a left. 347 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,386 D-do we have time for three rights? 348 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,055 - Left! - (screaming) 349 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:11,976 - Make a left! Make a left! - (whimpering, screaming) 350 00:14:12,726 --> 00:14:14,311 Okay, we're here. Let's Rhonda you up. 351 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,396 What does that mean? 352 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,982 Put on her blazer, 353 00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,776 and, uh... Ooh! Okay. 354 00:14:22,152 --> 00:14:23,487 - (singing) ♪ Ba-da, ba-bup ♪ - Pretty weird. 355 00:14:23,487 --> 00:14:24,738 ELLEN: Mm... 356 00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:25,911 Bingo. 357 00:14:25,936 --> 00:14:27,020 (high-pitched): Ellen! 358 00:14:27,045 --> 00:14:29,089 A little lower, like... Ellen. 359 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:32,037 - (lower): Ellen. - That's too low. Ellen. 360 00:14:32,037 --> 00:14:33,961 - Ellen? - That's perfect! 361 00:14:34,586 --> 00:14:35,833 Oh! 362 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:37,668 What are you doing here? 363 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:41,179 I came to feed my snake. Why is that man wearing my clothes? 364 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:42,923 Where's Sonna Plane? 365 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:45,426 - She's out of her terrarium! - We don't know! 366 00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,677 Wait, is there a snake on the loose? 367 00:14:46,677 --> 00:14:48,888 Why did you name your snake Sonna Plane? 368 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,472 Oh. (laughs) 369 00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,474 I see what you did there, Rhonda. It's... Ah! 370 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:54,852 ♪ 371 00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,396 Oh! M-my brother got bit by a snake! 372 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,356 I also have a mole I'd like to have checked. 373 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,067 - Okay. - Guys, what are you doing here? 374 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:04,778 Wait, Sophie? Why are you here? 375 00:15:04,778 --> 00:15:07,489 My driving instructor had a heart attack! 376 00:15:07,489 --> 00:15:10,492 Um, your friend choked and couldn't make a left turn, 377 00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,244 so I had to drive her to the hospital. 378 00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:13,495 It was so hot. 379 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,291 - Hickey for the hero? - (giggles) 380 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,294 You really need to grow up. 381 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:23,130 Oh my God. 382 00:15:23,130 --> 00:15:24,298 ♪ 383 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,053 ♪ 384 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:32,056 We're gonna have to wash your eye in a variety of liquids. 385 00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:34,266 You're gonna need three washes, six drops, 386 00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,060 cold gel, warm gel, 387 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,287 then back to two more washes, 388 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,439 probably another gel, 389 00:15:40,464 --> 00:15:42,750 we're gonna go for about four more drops, and then... 390 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,027 ♪ 391 00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:48,489 Contacts have made contact. 392 00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:50,210 Hoo, after what my eyes have been through today, 393 00:15:50,235 --> 00:15:51,695 there's nothing they can't handle. 394 00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:54,912 That's what you guys look like? 395 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,665 Wow. Most of you look pretty good. 396 00:15:58,332 --> 00:15:59,583 Cross my name off, too! 397 00:15:59,583 --> 00:16:01,710 - Wait, you told off Rhonda? - Oh, yeah. 398 00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,462 Somebody suck the poison out! 399 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:06,382 There's no poison. I had her poison bags removed. 400 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,092 Your father's being a real sissy. 401 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,219 Did she say "father"? 402 00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,929 You know what, Rhonda? Enough. 403 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:15,599 You can crowd my workspace and stink up this office with chicken, 404 00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:17,601 but you do not mess with Jesse. 405 00:16:17,601 --> 00:16:19,311 Jesse, I'm doing it! I'm telling her off! 406 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,480 So proud of you. Can we please go to the hospital now? 407 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,564 ELLEN: Oh! 408 00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,235 And then, I was like, "Take that, bitch!" 409 00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:29,029 But, I-I-I kept that inside 410 00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:31,407 'cause I-I would never say "bitch". 411 00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:34,952 Well, only a few hours before midnight, 412 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,829 and we still have two people on the board. 413 00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:38,789 You want me to teach you how to drive? 414 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:40,165 Fine. 415 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:42,835 But you have to let me teach you how to hula hoop. 416 00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:46,046 - You spin? - No, of course not. 417 00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:48,298 ♪ 418 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:50,676 (gentle voice): Okay, now that the car's in drive, 419 00:16:50,676 --> 00:16:53,137 you're going to slowly lift your foot off the brake 420 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:56,598 and very gently apply that same foot to the gas pedal. 421 00:16:57,474 --> 00:16:59,476 Very good. Well done. 422 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:04,773 I've never heard you speak in this weird, gentle voice before. 423 00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,567 Oh yeah, it's my elementary school teacher voice. 424 00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:08,527 It's how I talk to keep the kids from peeing themselves 425 00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:10,446 when I take their smartphones away. 426 00:17:11,905 --> 00:17:14,450 There is absolutely no pressure, okay? But, 427 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,869 - we've got a left-hand turn coming up. - Oh... 428 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,830 So, we're just going to turn on your blinker 429 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:21,874 - and get into the left lane... - (sighs) Okay. 430 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:24,752 - (whining) - ...out into the intersection. 431 00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,920 - (yelling whine) - Coast is clear... 432 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,131 (blinker clicking) 433 00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,008 Ah! I'm doing it! 434 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,885 - I'm turning left! - Mm-hmm. 435 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:35,763 (laughing) Check this out! 436 00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:37,931 - And another left! - Mm-hmm. 437 00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:40,517 (laughs) And another left! 438 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:44,271 Ha! (gasps) I'm a professional driver. 439 00:17:44,271 --> 00:17:46,148 - One-way street! - (screaming) 440 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,442 - (cars honking) - (gasping) 441 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:51,153 - Ho... - (Jesse panting) 442 00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,113 (sighs) 443 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,741 - Why don't we celebrate, huh? - I just learned how to drive. 444 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:57,451 I don't think I should be boozing. 445 00:17:58,118 --> 00:18:00,245 But if you wanna be the designated driver... 446 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:03,749 Well, that's sparkling cider, but I appreciate how responsible you are. 447 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,834 Ah. Aw... 448 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:07,961 ♪ 449 00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:09,713 We're almost out of time. 450 00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:11,632 You gonna practice your hoop trick or what? 451 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,801 Mm. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to do it. 452 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:16,053 - You don't know that. - Yeah, I do. 453 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:17,888 It-it's a mental thing. 454 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,082 I mean, the truth is, I actually could 455 00:18:19,106 --> 00:18:20,432 do the vertical lasso for a while, 456 00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:21,892 and then I just lost it. 457 00:18:22,392 --> 00:18:24,895 Remember that video I showed you, the moment where I dropped the hoop? 458 00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:27,856 That's 'cause I just realized that my mom hadn't shown up. 459 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:29,733 She was supposed to fly in from Iowa, 460 00:18:29,733 --> 00:18:31,902 and she flaked, and I don't know. There's something about 461 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,966 not having a single family member 462 00:18:33,991 --> 00:18:36,077 in the audience to support me, you know? 463 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:39,159 - Oh. - Yeah. 464 00:18:40,911 --> 00:18:42,162 Oy... 465 00:18:43,413 --> 00:18:44,540 So, what... 466 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:48,502 What does a perfect vertical lasso catch and release... 467 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,546 - Mm-hmm. - ...(laughs) even look like? 468 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:52,047 It truly does not matter. 469 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:54,133 Come on. Show me. 470 00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,678 Okay. Okay. Here. 471 00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:00,597 Alright, well... 472 00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,474 (clears throat) here's a video 473 00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,060 of my favorite hooper doing it. 474 00:19:06,436 --> 00:19:08,063 Shut up. She was a legend, alright? 475 00:19:08,063 --> 00:19:09,982 I used to have her posters all over my room as a kid. 476 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,942 - Oh, I bet you did. - Mm-hmm. 477 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:13,360 (giggles) 478 00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,155 Oh, my God. (gasps) 479 00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:18,866 She's pure magic. 480 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,453 I love that you're so into this. 481 00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:24,538 (laughs) 482 00:19:27,916 --> 00:19:28,917 (phone dings) 483 00:19:30,192 --> 00:19:31,526 Ooh, look at that. You... 484 00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,339 - matched with Dana. - (laughs) Uh, yeah. 485 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:35,841 I'm sorry. That wasn't, uh... 486 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,634 Oh. No. Why are you sorry? 487 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:41,013 I don't know. Um, I'm not, I guess? 488 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,640 I didn't know that you were back on the apps. 489 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,684 Yeah. I was... I mean, it's all very new, you know? 490 00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:47,519 And I just figured it's been a while since Meredith, so... 491 00:19:47,544 --> 00:19:48,879 Oh, totally. 492 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:50,981 I think it's great. 493 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:53,192 Cool. Thanks. 494 00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:55,986 - We should get back. - Yeah. 495 00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:57,321 Oh! 496 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,239 I know that I can drive now, 497 00:19:59,239 --> 00:20:01,742 but I will not be your personal chauffeur. 498 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,119 Oh-ho! Excuse me. Okay. 499 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:05,329 She can drive! 500 00:20:05,495 --> 00:20:07,539 - Cross her name off the list! - (all cheering) 501 00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:09,875 And my vertical lasso catch and release... 502 00:20:10,187 --> 00:20:11,668 isn't gonna happen. 503 00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:14,046 Why would you say it like that? 504 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,924 Sorry, guys. I'll do the honors of lining up the drippings. 505 00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:19,509 Seriously? You're not even gonna try? 506 00:20:20,302 --> 00:20:22,554 You said you couldn't do it without family... 507 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,266 Is there more to that? 508 00:20:26,850 --> 00:20:28,602 I was gonna say that we're your family, 509 00:20:28,602 --> 00:20:30,520 but then that felt so corny, so I bailed. 510 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,439 But we're almost out of time, so just try it! 511 00:20:33,357 --> 00:20:36,151 Screw it. Charlie! Assemble my collapsible hoop! 512 00:20:36,151 --> 00:20:38,237 - (Sophie clapping) - Oh, I thought you'd never ask. 513 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:43,700 Sis! Put on Darude's 1999 EDM hit "Sandstorm". 514 00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,410 Just look it up. 515 00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:48,914 - (song starts playing) - SID: Oh! 516 00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:51,166 - (encouraging chatter) - SID: Uh-oh! 517 00:20:51,328 --> 00:20:53,514 - SOPHIE: Woo! - SID: Yeah, get it, baby! 518 00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:57,881 - Oh! - Jesse! Jesse! Jesse! Yeah! 519 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,551 Uh-oh! Oh! Oh! 520 00:21:01,551 --> 00:21:05,097 (cheering) 521 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,890 (slow motion whooshing) 522 00:21:06,890 --> 00:21:10,477 (inspirational synth music playing) 523 00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:15,440 (slow motion whooshing) 524 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,317 (slow motion screaming) 525 00:21:17,317 --> 00:21:19,611 - (screaming) - (all cheering) 526 00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,238 ("Sandstorm" continues) 527 00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:22,698 Yes! Yes! 528 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,074 Yeah! 529 00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:25,909 - (all cheering) - Guys... 530 00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:29,746 It's 10 minutes past the deadline. We didn't make the cut. 531 00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:31,081 - (hoop drops) - What? 532 00:21:31,623 --> 00:21:33,583 No, it's good enough! We... 533 00:21:33,583 --> 00:21:35,711 We were so close. It's good enough! 534 00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:36,795 No! 535 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,339 Them's the rules. 536 00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,801 We've gotta drink the drippings. 537 00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:43,927 ♪ 538 00:21:43,927 --> 00:21:46,555 (all groaning) 539 00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:47,931 SID: (groans) Oh yeah. 540 00:21:47,931 --> 00:21:49,141 (retching) 541 00:21:49,349 --> 00:21:52,811 ("How Dare You Want More" by Bleachers playing) 542 00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,062 (shudders) 543 00:21:54,062 --> 00:21:56,690 And that's how I learned to drive. 544 00:21:56,690 --> 00:22:00,193 And how we all got bacterial meningitis. 545 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:02,404 ♪ How dare you want more ♪ 546 00:22:03,822 --> 00:22:05,449 ♪ How dare you want more ♪ 547 00:22:06,374 --> 00:22:10,374 - Synced and corrected by synk - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 39427

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