All language subtitles for The.Donor.Party.2023.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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♪ Woke up every day ♪

♪ And I can feel
it's always here ♪

♪ Like gravity around myself
to give me strength ♪

♪ It's a world I'd hope ♪

♪ All begin with hope ♪

Oh! Sorry. Todd?

-Jaclyn.
-Hi. Hi-- uh, wow, look at you!

And that-- all of that.
What are you doing here?

I mean, it's f--
funny seeing you here.

I-- I thought you
had an apartment downtown.

Uh-- uh, we-- we bought a
house around the corner.

For the schools.

Uh, you remember Gia, don't you?

Uh, yeah, last time I saw her,

her face was kinda covered
by your crotch.

I heard you got married.
Congratulations.

Thank you.

Oh, that's sweet of you to say.

Thank you. Yeah, I'm a dad!

Yeah! Yeah, how'd that happen?

I mean,
I know how that happened.

Just you always said
you didn't want babies

when we were married.

Yeah.
Oh, turns out uh, I was wrong.

Kids are great.

He's a great dad.

Really happy for you guys.

Thank you. Uh, I couldn't be--
well, we--

We couldn't be happier,
you know?

I'm living my best life.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah. Alright.

Well, um, we should get going.

-Okay.
-Gotta get this in the ground.

-Yeah, yeah.
-You know? But it was really--

-Dig it deep.
-It was great to--

-Oh, I--
-You know? Come on.

Let's not smother the--

Really great.

Yeah.

So great to see you.

Can I help you?

Hi. Uh, yeah. Um, the--
I have a-- there's a--

I have this plant.

Um, uh, I--
it's a dwarf tangerine

and I-- I bought it here
a year ago, and it--

It's grown some, it just--
it doesn't grow any fruit.

And I've tried everything,
even like a citrus stake.

I think it's growing great!

these leaves are gorgeous
and lush.

But you see this?
Something happened to it.

Disease? Trauma?

Is it gonna die?

No, no, it'll keep growing,
but it'll never bear fruit.

That was supposed to be me,
you know?

- Yeah.
- He said, "Kids will change us.

-And I love us."
-Men ain't shit.

I thought he would change
when you had kids and--

Or my brother had kids,

and when his cousins had kids,

and I waited, and I waited,
and then--

he just didn't wanna have kids
with me!

I know. And this is probably
the wrong time to say,

"I told you so," but, honey,
I've literally been telling you

the exact same thing
for 15 years.

I wasted all my good eggs
on that asshole.

And now,
I'm never gonna be a mom!

- No. Yes.
- I'm never gonna be a mom!

Yes, you are.

You just--
you have to get back out there.

I am out there!

And it's like
every good guy is married

or they don't wanna have kids.

Or-- or-- the older guys,
they already have kids

and don't wanna have any more.

Or the young guys,
they just wanna fuck a MILF.

But I'm not even a MILF,
I'm just an ILF!

I just--

I just wanna
skip the dating part

and get to the mom part.
I just--

No.
No, don't skip the dating part.

The dating part is where
all the good fun sex happens.

You know, when you--
when you get to the mom part,

it's just you know,
scheduled sex once a week

and the foreplay is
like he brushes his teeth.

That's me.

My mom was the best
and she made me feel

like I could do anything.

And like I was exactly perfect
just the way I was.

I wanna do that
for a little one.

I wanna be that mom
for somebody.

I don't know
why you're trippin'.

You don't need a husband
to have a baby.

No, that's true.
You can totally adopt!

Oh, although adoption
is not cheap.

I have friends who did it
and it's like--

It's like 40 grand
all said and done.

Oh,fuck me!

I wasn't talkin' about adoption.

Artificial insemination
is worse.

Mike and Lydia, they went
through six IVF treatments

at 25 grand a pop.

Well, fuck me!

You don't have to buy it.
Just go and get some.

What? Where are you getting?

What?

You know, get some.

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

-Oh.
-That's called "stealing sperm".

It's not stealing
if they freely give it away.

-Uh.
-Condoms break.

Accidents happen.

Especially if you plan 'em.

No, that insane.
You can't do that.

You can't just--

Although, I mean, if there--

No. It's just-- it's wrong.
Is it-- is it wrong?

I mean-- I mean, it could work.

-Right.
-It could work.

What's happening right now?

-I kinda think you're the devil.
-Mm.

But it is
not the worst idea ever.

If you're talking about what
I think you're talking about,

then it is the worst idea.

-It's the best worst idea.
-Oh!

How will he ever find out?

You know, I'm not going to call
him to tell him.

You guys aren't going to
call him and tell him.

I'm not calling him.

I mean, most guys
ghost me anyway.

And this time,
I want him to ghost me.

And he gets to have sex with
you and you get a baby.

Win-win.
Waa-waa.

Okay, I think you guys
are forgetting something.

Right, um-um.

What if the sperm is slow
or he's shooting blanks?

Huh, we'll have a back up.

I'm thinking two, maybe three.

We gotta flood the fallopian
tubes when the egg drops.

Yeah, yeah.

You're-- you're talking
about an orgy?

It's like having three one-night
stands in the same night.

Okay.

Oh my god. No.
No, I can't do this.

This is crazy.

I don't want to just fuck
some rando to get a baby.

That's why I can't go to the
sperm bank in the first place.

Besides from the fact
that it will bankrupt me.

I want to know that the father
of my child is a good person.

- Right? Yeah.
- You know? Like a kind person.

Ideally artistic and intelligent
and good sense of humor.

Argh, who the fuck
am I kidding?

I'll just freeze my eggs
until I find Mr. Right.

Idea.
What if we found them for you?

Is there nuts in that?

Huh, I don't know.

I can put nuts in it for you.
Would you like that?

I can put nuts anywhere
you'd like.

Okay, babe, shut it down.
We have guests.

Alright, but mom has the kids
so we will have time

for your special
birthday treat later.

Don't get too fucked up.

I won't. I have an idea though.

What if we just send
all these jokers home

and we have later now?
How about that?

All of our best friends,
you mean those jokers?

Well, what about her?
What about that joker?

I don't know her.
Who is she?

That's Jackie's friend
from work.

-Oh, the lesbian.
-Yes.

Yeah. Why is she here?

She's Jackie's plus one.

Oh, okay. Oh! Are they-?

No. What? Just-

Well, why-- why is Jackie
coming?

Because she is like family.

Is she like family though?

I don't know. Maybe I just had
it in my head

that we were going to take a
Jackie break after thanksgiving.

Alright, she had just found out
that Todd was getting remarried.

-I know.
-Just found out.

Believe me.
I was sympathetic

with all the crying and the
carrying on.

But did she have to teach
our six-year-old about blowjobs?

-She did-
-All about blowjobs?

She didn't hear the whole thing.

-Soup to nuts.
-She didn't- No, no.

Yes.
Maybe the soup
but not the nuts.

That's not even our job
to do that.

-Alright, you know what?
-It's the internet's job.

You will barely know
that she is here.

Okay.

I can do this.

It's just casual sex.

I can do that.

I can totally do that.

The table looks great.

Wait, why are the desserts
out already?

Do you guys have
everything you need?

Yes, we do honey. Thank you.

-Hi.
-Hey, whose playlist is this?

These are Geoff's
favorite songs.

Oh god.

- Nope, can't do it.
- No, Jaclyn.

No, stop, stop, stop, stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

On paper,
this all sounded great.

But now that I'm actually here,
I can't. I can't do it.

Okay, well, just listen.
I will 100% agree.

But please don't leave me here.

I- If I have to have one more
conversation about IPOs,

I will murder someone.

Hold on, what's going on?

She's reconsidering.

No, no, no.
You cannot back out.

Yes, I can.
Because this is crazy.

Yes, it is crazy.

Like Uber Eats
and Standing Desk.

But crazy can be genius.
Great dress.

Yeah.
You don't think it's too much?

-It's very good. Oh.
-It's gonna get the job done.

No, ah!
Huh, I was gonna return it.

Oh, oops. I'm sorry.

$450?

See?
That's what I'm talking about.

This dress is not me.

Sleeping with three guys
is not me.

Okay, it is not you.
That's clear.

Now, is this how you wanna have
a kid? No.

But is this the only option?
Yes.

Okay? We did our part.
You gotta do your part.

You promise that there's no way
they can find me afterwards.

No, you just need to make sure
that no one figures out

what you're doing tonight.

Because I will 100%
throw you under the bus

if Geoff finds out
that I was part- Hi.

-Hey.
-Oh, hey.

Jackie, good to see you again.

Yeah, you too. Happy birthday.
It's a book.

Could've sworn it was a canoe.

It's signed to you.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

Oh, and isn't it lint?

I mean, didn't you give up
refined sugar last year?

I thought you did. What are
you giving up this year?

I'm just giving up.

-Okay.
-He's literally just turning 45.

- I know, right?
- Thank you so much.

I mean,
what's the matter with me?

Doom and gloom here.
Here, let me take this.

Here, you put this up.

Oh my gosh.
Yes, I would love to.

It'd be my pleasure.

Is he okay?

He's fine.

None of the men in his family
lived past 88.

So, now he thinks
he's in a downfall spiral.

I thought you said this was
gonna be a big shin dick.

Yeah, well, it turns out

Geoff doesn't have enough
friends to make it

a shin dicks.

Well, someone's gonna notice.

Too late for that now

because donor number one
is ready to play.

So, are you ready?

Well, my ovulation app says it's
go time.

Go on then. Seize the day.

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ Just bring your mouth ♪

♪ closer to my-- ♪

Hi.

Oh.

Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm MJ. What's going on?

Did you know this was
a birthday party?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Oh, okay.

I kind of really don't know
why I'm here.

I'm not even that good friends
with Amandine

or at all, actually.

Well, you can I can be friends.

Wow, thank you.

Friends with benefits,
if you want.

- Okay.
- Um, so MJ, huh,

that's not
short for Maryjane, is it?

No, no. I wish.

Actually, no. I don't wish that
my name was Maryjane.

-No.
-No.

And my MJ is for
Morris Jerusalem.

Morris is my mother's
grandfather's name.

And Jerusalem is the city
where I was conceived.

-Oh, that's nice.
-I often say,

well, thank goodness that I
wasn't conceived in Frankfurt

because then I'd be quite an MF.

-Guys.
-Hi.

You want to try some of this?
It's pretty good.

Oh, no, thank you.
I'm taking an Uber later.

And I like to be of sound mind
when I'm

-in a car with a stranger.
-Oh.

Okay, well, you have got
to try this.

- It's a Syrah.
- Okay.

Give it a shot.
Tell me what you think.

- Mm. Wow.
- Not bad, right?

-Yeah.
-Almost makes up for the fact

that they call it Syrah Syrah.
Ugh.

My ex-wife was the regional
sales manager for the state.

Um, she ran off with the
sommally--

the sommally- the fucking wine
guy.

She ran off with the wine guy.

Ah, got you.

- Yeah.
- Should I spit it out?

Would you please?
It would make me feel so good.

- I'm Armin by the way.
- Hi.

Hey. You're Molly's friend?

The one who works for Jennifer
Aniston's charity, right?

Oh, I actually did
the Standee for you guys.

Yeah, my company-
Hey, my company works--

we actually make those
cardboard standees

that, you know, you can sit on
star's lab in a movie lobby?

-Yeah.
-That's cool.

Yeah. So, wait.

So you know Amandine as well?

Uh, she's just a work friend.

I mean, you know, she wouldn't
know where I live

or anything like that.

Actually, I don't even
work there anymore.

I'm moving away to
another city far away.

Wow. So, Jen is more "Horrible
bosses"

than Rachel in real life. Noted.

No, no, no. She's great.

It's just I needed a challenge.

Wanted to mix things up a bit,
so...

You know what? I think that is
so healthy to shift gears.

Geoff and I- Well actually,
most of the guys here,

we had a start up.

Not like Amazon or anything.

But once I got big enough,
I had to sell it.

Now, I can kind of do whatever
I want. It's pretty cool.

- Yeah. That's nice.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's really cool.

I actually put money
into GameStop as well.

I don't know,
well, and I made $3700.

- Oh wow.
- Nice, buddy.

- Yeah, thanks.
- It's pretty good.

So, it's like, saying--

Now I got a lot of free time,
get to travel.

Which I love so much. I was
working so much before.

Right, I guess.

Takes a minute to start up.

Oh yeah. I mean, all I did was
code, code, code

and pound energy drinks.

Wow.

That's why I'm trying
to see as much as the world-

I'm so sorry.
It's just my

mom broke her hip.

- Oh my god.
- Oh my god.

I'm just dealing with
my brothers.

We're trying to figure out if
we should put her in our home.

Oh, let me know
if you need any help or-

Nope, done. Done.

-Oh, great.
-I'm sorry, you were saying?

Love to travel.

-I have a lot of time.
-I'm scared of planes.

To do that. But um-

She's gonna bail.

Well, it sounded to me

like you didn't want her
to go through with it.

It's not true.

But do you know how hard it is
to find a single man

who is disease free in the
suburbs? I just-

I don't want to disappoint them.

It is possible that I may
have told them

that I have a friend
in need of a-

Like, a confidence boost.

So you're more worried about

your guys friends being
happy than your best friend?

Okay, well call it
a win-win situation.

I mean, what's so wrong
with having a plan B?

Oh, I've got a plan B.

I've got a plan C.

Because the plan is
to get her the D.

What is it?

- What is that?
- It's molly.

I don't-

MDMA.

-I don't under-
-E.

I don't know what you're saying.

Ecst- Ecstasy.

-I know that one.
-Ecstasy, yes.

Just enough to prime the pump.

Okay.

Oh, donor number three.

The French teacher
whose wife just died.

Okay.

My friend getting
pregnant tonight.

Top me off, will you?

Oh god, I thought
you were the caterer.

I am so sorry.

Behind the table, cool outfit.

I can take it off.

Okay.

More, more.

I like this one.

It's floral and complex
and yeasty.

Like a vagina?

I get a slightly different note.

It's got a really good
mouth fill.

I could decant it for you.

Let it breathe.

Amadine.

Barbara.

That's a beautiful name.

Not my name. I hate my name.

I'll tell you what. How about
you give me your number

and I'll call you whatever
or whenever you want.

Balls.

Yo, Goeff. Can I grab you for
two, buddy?

-Hi.
-Hey, what's up?

What's up?

Were you just
hitting on my sister?

Is that a real question?

Right, right.

Umm, it's just that she's
been through

a really ugly
divorce recently. So...

So, you want me
to sleep with your sister?

That's sweet of you.

No. No, no.

No, I'm just- I'm worried.

I mean, you know,
she's very-

she's not a lesbian.

Are you sure? Because, you know-

Would you mind
not hitting on my sister

at my birthday party please?

I would mind.

But I won't.

It will be my present to you.

Wow, thank you so much.

- Happy birthday.
- Yeah, I'll treasure it.

- You should.
- Have a great time.

- You too.
- Not too great.

Oh, shit. Oh shit.

-Oh shit.
-No one told me about this.

There's just no good-
you know what?

Every 10 minutes
I have to go.

Sweetheart, you can get lasers.

It'll zip that right back up.

Yeah, it's called
a mommy makeover.

They stick a laser up there
and just tighten it all up.

It went from Basset Hound
to Chihuahua. Worth every penny.

Oh!

- Wow.
- Stop.

You know it's true.

You got kids?

-No.
-Husband?

Not anymore.

You should keep your distance.

You might get baby fever.

I'm not kidding.
Happened to me.

All my friends
started having kids.

I thought I should have kids.

All these friends,

they're gonna be gone
once she pops a baby out.

She'll make new friends.

The kids' friend's parents.

And she'll think
she has new "interests."

But they're really
the kids' interests.

And when the kids graduate,
poof, gone so.

All these people she
invested all her time with,

she'll realize she has
nothing in common with them.

And then she'll realize
that her husband

is staying too late at work.

So, she'll shoot her
face fill with Botox,

get a boob job.

Get a mommy makeover?

Exactly.

To chase what she
used to look like.

before the kids literally
suck the life out of her.

Instead, she'll just look like
she's trying too hard.

And he'll leave her for
an actual 20-year-old.

Who loves giving blowjobs?

Fucking blowjobs.

All because she thought
it'd make her life complete

-to have a baby.
-Oh, no, no.

That's got Molly's
lipstick on it.

-I think this is your shade.
-Thank you.

I mean, you don't regret
having babies, right?

Oh, no. God, no.

They're the loves of my life.

As much as I hate my ex,
I'll always be grateful to him

for giving me my babies.

Listen to me,
don't listen to me.

I just need to get laid.

Okay.
We get what you wish for.

On that note,
I think I'm ready.

- Alright.
- Do you snorkle?

No, I never get into the ocean.

Oh god, what do I say?

Tell him how wet your pussy is.
They love that.

I hate that word.

Pussy?

Yeah.

What do you say?

I don't.

So, when you told Todd to like-

Oh, we didn't talk during-

Or before.

Or after.

Oh God.

Okay, so tonight,

you're gonna say
some nasty pornstar shit.

Just get disgusting.

Yeah, but that's not me.

I know that's not you.
But tonight, you're not you.

Okay? You're not the NPR-loving,
farmer's market going,

avocado toast eating Jaclyn.

You're gonna be
something different.

You're the Onlyfans, like
Jacklina.

You're gonna be
a slut tonight, okay?

Yeah, okay. Okay.

You're a slut.

-Well, huh.
-Slut. Slut

- Really?
- Yeah.

You've never been to
swimming?
Hey. Hey. Hi.

Oh.

You like surfing?

Huh, no, I would never surf.

So, you'd never- you just-- you
never do it?

No, I'm scared of sharks.

There is great white sharks
that you should be scared of.

But they're east coast, man.

All the west coast sharks
are white sharks.

I got you, girl.

Cuddly nice sharks.

You gotta get out there.

Geoff is over there.

Geoff?I'm Shopia.

Excuse me.

Okay. Am I in trouble?

No.

Ugh, God, I need a drink.

Your glass is right there,
just--

Oh no, molly.

Molly, that's Molly in there.

You drank it all.

That's all of it.

It's gone.

It's in your body now.

-Okay.
-Okay, wow.

-Let's just-
-What?

Wow, wow.

Don't need those.

-Right, um.
-Yeah, so.

-Oh.
-Wow, wow.

Wow, that is-

That is so tone.

Oh, thank you.

You do pilates?

I do, yeah.

I can tell, I can tell.

You can touch it
if you want.

I would. I want.

Okay.

Alright.

Okay, you're sure that
you want me to do this?

I think I couldn't be
more clear.

Yeah, I do.

I do want you to do this.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay. Great. I'll be over here.

Okay.

Oh, wait, I don't have
a condom or anything.

Oh, ah!

You know, I don't want to
assume
when I go out this-

I just- it's just in the bag.

There's a-Oh,

do you have a medium?

-Here.
-Okay, wow.

Wait, we should set the mood?

I have Spotify premium, no ads.

- We don't need that.
- I can put a slow jam playlist.

Okay, wait.

I've- I've never done this
before.

-Well, no, I mean I've had sex.
-Yeah, okay, good. That's great.

You know, but- Not with people
around.

It's just us here.

Wait, that's not true.
That's not true.

Actually when I was in college,

my girlfriend and I,
we went camping.

-Wow.
-Consensual.

And- and-wow.

Wow.

And there was a tent next to us.

And there were people
having sex in there loudly.

Say some pornstar
nasty ass shit.

It's not like-

I will murder.

They ruined our lives.

Pussy.

I want you to murder my pussy.

Excuse me?

I want you to tell me. How
you're gonna murder my pussy?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Well, I'll use my penis

to strangle it until it's dead.

Yeah.

Oh.

No, this is weird.

This is weird, I'm sorry I
don't-

I'm sorry.

I don't talk like
that.I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I just thought talking dirty
would turn you on.

I don't know what to do
to turn you on.

I don't know how to do this.

Are you kidding me?

You?

You do not have to use
any gimmicks to turn me on.

Honestly, I would really just
love to kiss you.

If that's okay.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I would love that.

Hey you guys.

Are you doing okay?

Do you have everything you need?

-Thank you so much.
-I want you

to have the best time ever.

Oh, thank you.

Oh my god, baby.

You guys look great together.

It's just such
a beautiful couple.

Stay the night if you want.
Make yourselves at home.

Hey girl, let me talk to you.

Hey, come on over here.

- How are you feeling?
- Oh my gosh.

I feel great.

I love these people.

These are- these are good
people.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I forgot.

The donor number
three cancelled.

Who are you gonna get
to fill the empty slot?

Her empty slot,
like, a vagina?

- That was good.
- Like, her vagina.

I know a guy, I'll call him.

But you need to sit down.

Oh my god,
you are such a good friend.

You know, we should do things,
you and me.

It doesn't always have to be
the three of us.

Right? Just call me, girl.

And also, you're so pretty.

I never told you that before.

I want it, but I'm not going to.

- You better not.
- Because I know I shouldn't.

I'm doing the work.

Good, good, okay.

Do you wanna touch my hair?

My hair is so soft.

I have a conditioner
that costs $125.

- That's a lot of money.
- That's so dumb.

It's beautiful.

Okay, I'm gonna go call my guy,
but you sit down, alright?

Don't do a lot of things.

Okay. I'll sit in my den.

I have a great chair in there.

- Lay out.
- It's fluffy.

Hi, where's
the closest bathroom?

It's right over there.
Wow, your boobs got big.

Do they hurt yet?

They will.
When you start nursing.

Are you gonna nurse?

I loved nursing so much.

Oh my gosh. But it does hurt
when it chafes.

And I got mastitis
so bad one time,

Geoff had to put
a hot compress on my boobs

and milk me like a cow.

Oh, this is so much information.

-Are you okay?
-Oh, no. They got better.

Thank you for asking that.

Hey, so-- and the bathroom is
there. Thank you.

Remember, breast feeding
is best feeding.

Okay.

Hello?

I'm almost done.
I'm almost done.

Okay.

Well, pregnant lady
needs to pee-pee.

I have Irritable
Bowel Syndrome.

Okay.

I'll find another.

Good luck with that.

-That was fun.
-Yeah. Yeah, that was fun.

Okay.

Oh no. Oh no.

What?

The condom broke.

Oh, no. Oh.

Oh my god.
I'm so, so, sorry.

I don't know
how this happened.

You know maybe-

Maybe you're just-

You're too big
and the condom burst.

That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

This is just-

I'm on the pills,
it was just-

You know, in case of STDs.

Oh, don't worry about that.
I'm clean.

I give my blood
to Quest all the time.

They should give me
a punch card.

What?

Oh, I have a blood disorder.

What? Like, are you a
hemophiliac or-?

No, no.
I just bruise really easily.

You know? Oh, up here.

-See that?
-Oh.

That's from a collision
with a shopping cart.

Oh, thank god. For you.

Yeah.

It's pretty funny actually.

Child protective services
used to call my parents

-all the time.
-Oh.

Yeah.

Why don't you go first.
And then I'll come later.

Just so it's not so conspicuous.

- Oh, you mean now?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Hey, it's me, Amandine.
- Oh, okay.

♪ Well, I'm gonna put you down
on the microphone ♪

♪ And drop down low
like Al Capone ♪

Okay.

Getting a little help
from gravity.

Listen, I totally appreciate
you finding him.

He was super right.

But did you know that
he had a blood disorder?

Okay, getting a full DNA workup
was not on the checklist.

But on a related note,
donor number three did cancel.

Oh, the French teacher?

- Oui.
- Crap, he sounded promising.

Well, on an unrelated note,

there might be a little
itsy-bitsy problem with Molly.

Argh, is she drunk?

- Well, I wouldn't say drunk.
- Oh, she used to

do this to me all the
time in college.

I'd meet a guy
I was really into,

and then she'd get
super hammered

and then I'd have to walk her
back to dorm room.

That's probably it.
I'm gonna go.

I'mma see you out there.

- Hey.
- What?

Can you get me a snack?

No.

Kahlil, get on up here buddy.

Your turn, your turn.
You burn him.

Happy birthday, buddy.

There we go.

Alright, this is my favorite.

In his garage, we're working
about to make millions.

Right.

- And what happens?
- His septic tank breaks.

And so, we are literally
working in a shit.

And what did you say to me?
What did you say?

- I couldn't smell it.
- Couldn't smell it.

Couldn't smell his own shit.

I just thought you guys were
trying to get out of working.

- We were.
- Well, shut up about it.

-I destroyed--
-Tim!

Everybody, Tim is here.
Tim is here.

All of the beautiful artwork
that we have in our house,

it's almost all him.

I love them.
I was gonna ask.

I love the dog paintings.
So fun.

Yeah, I tried to buy it all.

You basically did, I mean.

Jackie, Jackie, it's Tim time.

It's Tim time. Tim.

- Shh.
- Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

-Come on.
-Tim time.

-Tim time.
-Wait, what's Tim time?

Honey, your gift is here,
and your's.

Here we are.

Yap, careful, careful.
It's still little wet.

- So is she.
- Excuse me, excuse me.

What-? Oh my god. Wow.

-I mean-
-MOLLY: Look at that.

Thank you. Thank you, Molls.

Aww.

Alright.

Wow. Wow.

Okay. Alright. She just loves
art. You know?

Yeah, yeah.

-Yummy.
-God.

Tim, I mean this is phenomenal.

Really phenomenal.

How did you get the-?

Well, for your face,

I actually used one of
your old wedding photos.

I had to age it up
just a little bit.

- Just a little bit.
- Okay.

And then for you body,
I used that guy.

- How are you doing?
- Oh, man.

Yeah.
He's pretty proud of himself.

It is so good.
Oh, he's so talented.

He does baby portraits too.

You have to do our's.

Okay, okay.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you. Yes.

Thank you.

So you must really love dogs.

Um, actually I'm allergic.

You know, people just
send me pictures of their dogs

and then I paint them.

But you must like them
a little bit, right?

I don't. I can't stand them.

They slobber.
They crap on the floor.

They eat your shoes.

But people love dogs,
so easy money.

I don't understand
what's going on.

We were just very friendly and
then who the hell is this guy?

Yeah, so what he's got
a handsome face

and perfect hair
and considerable talent?

Oh god.

Oh okay, alright.

You know what would
make a good impression?

A Jeff Goldblum standee.

She loves him.
You will be like her hero.

Yeah, but right now, all I have
is some of the Dodgers.

And an old Batman.

To the Batomobile then.

I'll be back.

That was the terminator.

Oh my god, I'm losing it,
Amandine. I'm losing it.

Go find it, go find it.

Okay. I'm coming right back.

Okay, so what about babies?

I can't stand babies.

I'm sorry,
I can't stand them.

Babies are- babies are stupid.

I mean, you ever tried to have
a conversation with a baby?

It's remarkably one-sided.

Well, they're babies,
so they can't even talk.

Because babies are stupid.

So, you don't like
babies or dogs?

Or surfing. I hate surfing.

Well, how do you make art about
something

you don't even like?

That's why they call us
starving artists.

Speaking of which,
there's the food.

Excuse me.

Okay, we got a problem.

MJ got feelings.

-What do you mean feelings?
-Like, feelings feelings.

You need to bounce off
before he gets back, okay?

Well, I'm thinking of
bouncing right now.

Absolutely not. No.

One D down.
Two more Ds to go.

I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

The goal is to be a hoe.

Mom.

Hoe now, mom later.
There's a through line.

Okay.

Wow.

You weren't kidding
about the starving artist.

It's Pavlovian.

All these art openings always
have amazing spreads,

and if I keep my mouth
filled with food,

people think they're rude
if they come up to me

and ask me "What were you
trying to say with this piece?"

Just give you the money
and leave you alone, right?

You wanna be my agent?

Oh, here we go. Yeah.

I'm sure she's perfectly nice,

but I get hit on by that type
all the time.

What's your type?

Oh, unbearable self-involved
assholes. Know any?

Okay, you're right.
I should apologize to her.

I'm sorry. I'm a little salty.

My ex recently got
in touch with me

and called me a sell-out

because I painted a mural
for YouTube.

One mural, okay?

Diego Rivera did
his best work for Rockefeller.

Commissioned mural.

The Sistine Chapel was
a commissioned mural.

Commerce and art.
Corporate art.

What's the big deal?
Now- now my ex is going out

with some 50-year-old.

He's 50. He designs food courts
at malls, okay?

-I'm a sell out?
-Oh, fuck off.

I'm sorry.
I haven't had the pleasure.

And you're not going to.

All the men here have
younger wives.

Look.

Our hosts, your patrons,
seven years apart.

- Well, he looks old.
- He has no hair.

Preggo and Deer in Headlights,
more like ten years.

Silver fox and Kim Kardashian.

And especially Surf and Turf.

Why do you think that is?

All women are gold diggers?

Supply and demand.

There's not much demand
for aging aimless artist.

But you two have fun.

I think I'm in love.

You look kind of cute when
you get your ass handed to you.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Hey Tim, I love it.

Thank you so much, again.

Although, I'm gonna have to
hide it in my office

so Molly doesn't get sad
every time I take my shirt off.

Thank you. I was trying to
convey the feeling of freedom.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, sounds like somebody surfs.

Not as much as
I'd like to.

Heard that, my man.
Yeah, when I'm out there, man-

Shh, you talk too much.

Stop talking.

I didn't really say anything.

Oh, Tim.

You have to show Jaclyn
all of your art.

We have so many of his pieces.

We have a lot.

They're basically my Borgias.

You're so funny.

He's so funny.

And good looking, huh?

Sure, yeah, hmm-mm.

Yeah, why don't you go
on the gallery walk upstairs?

No, I thought nobody
was allowed upstairs.

No, special people
are allowed upstairs.

Oh.

Go, go, go, go.

Got it, yeah.
I'll show you upstairs.

Okay.

Okay, what?
I don't-

You what?

What?

I do. You don't. I do.

Do you wanna go
have a glass of water?

There's a dog.

Another dog.

Dog.

Dog. Baby, baby, baby, baby.
There's a good one this way.

And a life study.

That's Molly.

I'm not at liberty to say.

Ah, well, I- it's lovely.

You know, the use of your
brush strokes

and colors.

Please, please, please stop.

Can we please not
talk about my work?

Okay. Let's, huh--
let's talk about you.

That sounds even worse.
How about we talk about you?

How about-
how about we don't talk?

Okay.

Yes.

Yeah. I love this.

I love this. Stop, stop.

I love this.
I love all of your features.

All of it.
And when you speak,

you speak with
so much expression.

This here. This.

I wanna paint you.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

It's so refreshing to be
with an older woman.

Just past all this
baby bullshit.

You know?

And all these
fucking gold diggers.

I only wanna be
with older women

who are post menopausal.

How old do you think I am?

I wasn't talking about you.

Oh, oh.

Yes, you have a bush.

You have actual pubic hair.

You have actual pubic hair.

I've been working
with these life study models.

And they're all
completely shaved.

They look like barbie dolls.

It's perverse. You know,
they look like little girls.

Who wants to make love
with little girls?

Hopefully nobody.

-Exactly.
-Yeah.

All these women
mutilating their bodies

to live up to
some imagined standard

the patriarchy has set for them.

Why do women have to be
perfect little C-cups

and be completely shaved,
you know?

They don't, they don't know?

Let it grow.
Let it go wild.

Let it go untamed. Get in my
mouth, wild long pussy hair.

Or maybe just- I mean

I think I prefer
just a little trimmed.

No, you're wrong.
Let it go.

Live in your skin.

All the years that you've
lived, all of that hair,

all of your blemishes,

all of these sunspots,
these liver spots

all of them.
All of these age spots.

All of these herpes scars here.

All of these wrinkles.

Wrinkle, wrinkle, wrinkle.
Wrinkle, wrinkle, wrinkle.

It's your imperfections
that make you perfect.

Nope, can't do it.

What do you want me to say here?

Honestly, nothing.

Because everything
that comes out of your mouth

is just drying me up.

I'm trying to
compliment you here.

And that's what you landed on?

I'm not trying to be a dick.

Oh, well then,
it must just come naturally.

Hey, hey.

I'm just trying
to do you a solid.

A what?

Molly told me that you
needed to fuck the pain away

and so do I.

We're the same.
You said it.

I think the best idea is
for us to let our bodies

do the talking.

-Ouch!
-I think the best idea

is for you to never ever touch
me again.

My painting hand.

There she is, there she is.

Hello, how was it?

I want the dets.
I want the dirty, dirty dets.

That was fast.

That didn't happen.

No. Why didn't you do Tim?

Maybe I would've if he didn't
treat me like a pity fuck.

You're supposed to find me
nice guys.

So, I can have nice babies.

Well, you meant also
cute and artistic

and funny and smart.

I got four out of five
ain't bad.

And look, you're gonna
love my guy.

I don't know.
I think I'm good, you guys.

No, you're not good.

I know you don't want
to roll the dice with MJ.

It's just one person.

And it's MJ.

Okay, fine.
But he has got to go.

No, I can't kick out Tim.

Yes you can.
It's your house.

But do I have to?

Yes, you do.
Sisters before misters.

That's easy for you to say.
You don't have a mister.

-She's right.
-Thank you.

Sisters before misters.
That's what we always say.

-We do.
-Oh, but poor Tim. Oh.

- Poor Tim?
- Poor tiny Tim.

Wait, is he tiny?
Or is he big?

Or is he little?
I don't wanna know.

Because I don't want anybody-
I do wanna know.

But I don't wanna know.
But I do wanna-

It's like killing me.
It's tearing me apart.

Stress is the future, right?
Choking the present.

- Okay.
- What you guys all need

is more time on the ocean.

- Ah, yes.
- You know.

Wow, wow, wow. Thank you.

So, I heard it didn't go well.

So, you should probably leave
so it's not weird.

Because I don't want it
to be weird for Geoff.

I should leave?
No, no, no.

I'm friends with both of you.

She's the one who should leave.
She should leave.

That's not gonna happen, Tim.

But it's okay.
But it's okay that you go.

Because you know well,
we love you.

And you know what? It's always
okay. You should go.

No, no, no. Maybe- maybe
I don't wanna-

Maybe I don't wanna go.

What is that?

That was so much fun.
Oh my gosh, do it again.

No, no.
Okay, just one little spin.

-See that's nice.
-Just hold on a second. Jacklyn?

-No.
-On land, you guys are CEOs.

-Idiot.
-But out there in the ocean,

-I'm chairman of my board.
-Oh nice.

What an ass hat. Not you.

Yeah, no shit.

Hey, what about you?

You got anything
on your horizons

I should have my radar on?

-Geoff?
-Huh? Oh, no.

No, nothing special.

You know, it's a bunch of
stupid pitches.

It's like Uber for kitty cats.

It's like Door dash from my
ass. I don't know.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no. Please, please,
please, please.

Please don't go,
please don't go.

Just buying myself another
hour of smiling stupidly.

You want a hit?

No, I'm good. Thanks.

You hook up with the asshole?
I mean, artist?

No, I didn't.

I'm not judging.

No, seriously, I didn't.

What about the guy
with the glasses?

Was it that obvious?

I didn't see anything.

You're um-
you're with the surfer guy.

Yeap.
But I'm pretty much here alone.

The second we
get around his friends

it's like I don't even exist.

I thought an older guy'd
be past all that bullshit.

That's when they
summit Mt. Bullshit.

- I know.
- Yeah.

- Right?
- Yeah.

But it's so different for us.

Like, I wanna have kids.

It's not like we're in our 20s.

I mean I'm probably
a skosh older than you.

This is gonna sound crazy,
but I work with horses

and we start breeding our
marriage when they're 5

and put them out to
pasture when they're 15.

Which is what in human years?

- 35.
- 35.

- I'm 31.
- Yeah.

I mean if he's not serious

am I gonna have to
get started on another guy?

God.

You know what?

Fuck it. Fuck it.

We wait for everything
in our lives.

We have to wait for them
to ask us to prom.

We wait for them
to ask us to marry them.

We have to wait until
they're ready to have kids.

Well, I am done waiting.

I am done waiting for
permission
to live my fucking life.

Yeah.

You know what?

-Fuck him.
-Yeah.

Fuck this party,
I'm out of here.

- Hi. Is this thing on?
- Hi, hello.

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

-Is it your birthday?

Yeah.

Ah, happy birthday.

Okay. One of you bozos
got me a stripper?

Come on Geoff,
you know I'm not that fool.

Holy shit,
that is a shirtless chef.

Wait-wait, who that?

Who is that?

He does online cooking videos.

shirtless.

As in zero shirt.

I'ma subscribe.

Yeah.

You're welcome.

You wouldn't happen
to be Jaclyn?

Would you?

I would.

Ah, pleasure to meet you.

Oh, pleasure is all mine.

Amandine has told me so many
fascinating

tidbits about you.

Uh-huh.

It's a little hot in here.

I don't know why
I'm wearing this anymore.

Ah, oh look, raddish.

Hey, can I steal-

Okay.

Can I steal Jaclyn for a second?

-Maybe later.
-No.

It will just take a minute.

I don't- Geoff, I-

I'll be-

I heard you quit working
for Jen Anishton.

Yeah. I mean it's not totally
confirmed yet, but yeah.

Okay, well, do you have
anything lined up?

Not yet.
Just kind of going around

trying to figure out
where I want to land.

Uh-huh. Well, that's perfect.

Because I have a friend
who just started a non-profit

that supports educational
programs for girls

in third world countries.

I know.

That's great. Well, listen.

Why don't you give them
my contact, and I-

Okay, Meera.

Yeah. Hey, I want you
to meet somebody.

This is-- this is Jaclyn
McGinley.

-Hi.
-She just left her position

as the Director of
Jen Aniston's foundation.

What?

Now, you guys talk.

-Jen Anishton?
-Yeah.

You know, I'm a huge fan.

I was just at her benefit
at the Getty last month.

Well did you-
Did you do that?

-I did, yeah.
-You did.

Oh my goodness. This is fate.

Yes. Yes it is.

Because, let me tell you.

I was at the grocery
store yesterday,

and I was checking out
the tabloids.

I don't usually check out
the tabloids.

But I just happen to see Jen.

And they were talking about
how she's childless.

And I went home to Kahlil
and I told him,

"Why doesn't she just adopt?"

You know? And then I meet you
here tonight.

So why doesn't she adopt?

Oh, I don't-

We don't really talk about that.

Well, would you?

Would you? Because adoption is
just such a blessling.

Yeah. I mean, we adopted
four of our six.

One from Mozambique,
one from Peru,

one from Russia
and one from China.

All you need is Australian,
and you got a continental set.

Oh my god, you're funny.

Isn't she?

She is very funny.

Girl, you hungry? We got some
more cheese that came out.

Oh, you know,
I'm lactose intolerant, so.

-I bet you are.
-Yeah. So-

But I was saying is that,

you know, motherhood
is just a blessing.

No matter how you do it.

- Can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

Do you feel any difference
in the bond

between your adopted children
and the biological children?

Not the first time
someone's asked me that.

Let me be just
completely honest.

With my first two,
I thought that, you know,

I don't know if I could love
another the way I did them,

but when I saw Donya's face,
I just-

I knew she was my child.
I don't know.

Love is not really
a zero-sum game, you know?

Wow, that is

so sweet I wanna kill myself.

- Oh my god.
- Butter fingers.

Hurry now. Ah, ah. This way.

Let's go faster.

Must go faster.

Sorry, I thought the situation
called for bit of a

diversion.

Yeah, thank you.

Of course.

So, you work in
the not-for-profit space.

I admire that.

Very satisfying.

Are you doing that
on purpose?

I'm sorry, I'm not exactly sure
what you mean.

The talking like
Jeff Goldblum thing.

Well, I certainly hope
I can measure up.

Oh, I think you're even better

than the real thing, truly.

So, you're an actor?

Do you have anything
against actors?

No, no, no. No.

I think that's great.
You know?

You're sensitive and artistic.

Is that why

you're so muscly?

Oh, this is my instrument.

It is Stradivarius.

-A Stradivarius is-
-I know.

-Oh.
-The kind of guitar

Jimi Hendrix played.

So, what have I seen you in?

Well, I got cast
in an episode of Flash.

But I wore mask so you
can't really tell it was me.

I bet you were great.

The fight choreographer
thought so. Yeah.

I mean, it's not easy
being a Latino actor.

The Goldblum thing helps out.

I get to go out for
hot nerdy types now.

I like hot nerdy types.

Yeah, it's better than
type-cast
as a gang banger.

I go like "What's up?"

You know what would
be a dream role?

Playing Goldblum's kid.

Like, in a Jurassic sequel
or West Anderson movie.

Like, the son he never knew.

And I can play against type.

I can play someone stupid, like-

I want you to fuck me, stupid?

Oh, wait.

You mean like, you want me
to fuck you COMMA stupid,

like, you think I'm dumb?

I want you to
fuck my brains out.

Oh, I see.

You are hot, oh my god.

You're hot.

Which brings me to WFTs.
Right?

-Weed fungible tokens.
-Oh.

Kind of like an NFT
that you can smoke, okay?

But it's also on the blockchain.

Every ounce of weed you buy
or every preroll you buy-

-Okay.
-Oh.

This guy's out of here, now.
It's cool, it's cool.

You know, some people aren't
into weed.

-It's totally cool.
-Yeah.

So, it is a weed product.

You get it from the-it's data?

You do order it on data.

I'm sorry, I'll be right back.
I'll be right back.

Absolutely cool.

Hey dodo bird, what the heck
are you doing here?

I forgot Nermie.

Oh, rats!

Well, where's nana?

She's in the car waiting.

Oh, is she? Oh, yeah.

There she is.

Hey,

you know
it's my birthday, right?

And I get whatever
I want on my birthday,

that's the rule.

So, what I want

is for you to get in there

and eat all of your
left-over Easter candy,

every single thing.

Get in there!
Gobble it up.

You can have a goodnight.
You bitch.

Hey, Sophie. Hey, girl,
what are you doing?

Hi, string bean. Hi.

You're supposed to be
at your grandma's house.

I forgot Nermie.

- Okay.
- Alright, go on up and get it.

Or maybe not,

because when I will be awake
passing my bedtime,

I will turn into a zombie,
tripping over things.

So maybe your mommy
should go up.

No, she can go get it.

No, she can't. Um-umm.

Oh. Okay, alright.

Mommy will be right back.

I love you so much. Okay.

How's your night?

- Good.
- Yeah.

Ow.

Oh my god, what are you doing?

I'm not even here.

Oh, oh.

I'm sorry,
but it sounded like

you had a really good moment.

Oh my god, Molly,
get out.

Come on.

I mean it's not like you
haven't heard me have sex

lots of times.

We were roommates in college
and I used to have sex

all the time in the bedroom.

But she was sleeping.

I wasn't sleeping.

Oh, see? So that's okay.

Okay, okay, I'm gone.
I'm not even here.

No, you guys, take your time.
I just needed this.

Right look,
I can't even see you.

Okay, strip the beds
when you're done.

Is that good for you?

Oh my god, yeah.

I mean, I think
the last 10 seconds,

that was the best sex
I've ever had.

Ever.

Thank you.

Look, I know I'm not
the real Goldblum,

but I really hope I made
your wish come true.

You have no idea.

This is so unfair.

You're hell of smart,
you do charity work,

and you are smoking hot,

especially for someone
with stage 4 lymphoma.

-What?
-It's okay. Amandine told me.

And honestly, thank you.

As an actor,
I don't have a ton of money

and I can't give nearly
as much as I'd like to charity.

I always thought of Goldblum
thing

as a gimmick for parties.

But knowing that my skills
could bring you

joy in the end,

I just- I'm deeply honored.

Yeah.

I hate to sound pity with
everything you're going through

but you don't have any STDs,
do you?

-No.
-Oh.

Normally, I would use a condom.

but seeing as how you're Mormon
and only have a week to live,

I thought I could
take the risk.

Are you strong enough
to get up on your own?

You need help?

I got it, thank you. Yeah.

I'm just gonna take a minute.

You rest.

Okay.

Now I hate surfing.

Oh boy.

Hi, happy birthday.

-Welcome, thank you.
-Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Oh, thank you.

Is Armin-is Armin still here?

Is Armin here?
Yeah, yeah, of course.

And he's, you know,
had a couple.

Okay, should I go, or-?

No! No, no, no.
Of course, not.

No, god.
You drove all the way here.

I mean, please,
make yourself at home.

Have something to eat,
have a drink.

-It's so good to see you.
-Oh my goodness, you too.

-Happy birthday. We'll talk.
-Alright. Alright.

Dude, is that-

Hey, I'm so sorry.

Oh fuck, not her.

I know, I know.

Molly mentioned it, I couldn't
uninvite her. Do you want me to

-ask her to go?
-No, no.

That makes me look
like I can't handle it.

And you know, that's how
the terrorists win.

So, no.

Can you believe how fat she got?

Yikes.

Oh buddy, that's not fat.

-She's fucking pregnant?
-Yeah, I'm so sorry.

I didn't know
how to tell you that.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

You know what?
I'm gonna go say hi to her.

No, don't say hi.

Why would you say hi?
Don't say hi.

Kegels are key.

-Oh, yeah.
-Just keep doing that.

Joyce, hey.
Fancy seeing you here.

Yeah, well,
they're my friends too.

Yeah, because of me.

Are we really gonna do this
at your best friend's party?

See, you said it.
My best friend. So.

Do you want me to leave?

Oh, now you care about
what I want. Hmm.

No, you know what? I'm sorry.

It's fine. We're grown ups.
And congratulations.

I am very happy for you
and you look beautiful.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

I appreciate that.

I feel bloated and disgusting
but-

No, it suits you.
The, huh, pregnancy.

Not the-
How is Peter doing?

You don't really want
to know that, do you?

Not at all.
I just hope you're happy.

- I'm very happy.
- Good. Good, good, good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Great to see you.

-Cool.
-Yeah.

Make a wish?

Is that what I am to you?
A charity case?

He was already
on my original list

because of the Goldblum thing.

But he just got cast in a play

and he was supposed
to perform tonight.

I had to think of
a life-or-death reason

to get him to skip it. So-

-Cancer?
-That was the only way

I could get him to agree to go
raw dog.

Dead girls don't need condoms.

But Mormon?

Oh, that, you know that kind of
just slipped out.

-Hey.
-Hi.

You see that pregnant woman
over there?

The one on the right.
That's my ex.

And I'm about to say
something or do something

that will get me
excommunicated or in prison.

So, you know, could you
distract me or something?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

-Yeah, sure.
-Okay.

Okay.

What's this from?

Oh. Knee replacement.

Warranty ran out
a couple of years ago. So-

Oh, I can give you a good
referral for your mom's hip.

My guy is like,
the best in the biz. So-

Oh yeah, great. Thank you.

Yeah.

I think scars are pretty sexy.

-Oh really?
-Yeah.

Well, I do have another one.

Yeah, right here where
Joyce ripped out my heart

with her bare hands.
Do you wanna see it?

- Wow, Joyce?
- Yeah.

Oh, well, you know,

it's a terrible name
for a villain.

-Yeah, it really is.
-Yeah.

It's even got joy in it.
How can I be mad at that?

I walked in on mine
getting a BJ.

Blowjobs are overrated.

You're just saying that to me
to feel better.

Yeah, I am.
100%, blowjobs are awesome.

You know, they had the nerve
to send me a Christmas card.

-What?
-Yeah.

So, I drew a dick on her face
and sent it back.

Nice.

See that in there?

Those are my friends.

And she had her friends.
I just don't get it,

why does she think
she needs mine? You know?

I know it's pathetic,
but like, fuck, come on!

No, no, I totally get it.

I ran into my ex with
his beautiful new wife

and their baby.

The baby that he didn't
want to have with me.

At my garden shop.

Did you shove him
into a cactus?

I mean, that would have been my
go-to move just right in there.

-No, but I should have.
-Yeah, you should have.

Yeah.

You know, my mom got divorced
at the age of 44.

And I can honestly say I don't
think she's ever had sex since.

I think she's hanging out
in the wrong retirement homes.

-Yeah?
-I really do.

Thing is I don't feel
any different than I did

when I was 25.

Yeah, same. It's crazy.

I went to see
this band last week,

and I swear to you,

I raised the average age of
that room by at least 10 years.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

And I caught the eye of
this woman and I smiled at her,

and she looked me
like I was a pedophile.

Okay, but in her defense-

-What?
-You just-

wait, guys at clubs are creepy.

They are. I mean, I go dancing
and I swear

every single guy in there is
looking at me like I'm in heat.

Why can't a girl just look fly
and go dancing, you know?

I hate to break it to you but

dancing has
always been about sex.

Yeah. I mean, I saw this
National Geographic video.

Are you flirting with me?

Anyway, I saw this video of this

crazy little
red and yellow birds

and they're doing like,
this mating ritual,

and I swear to you, it looked
exactly

like the Hammertime move.

No idea what you're
talking about.

MC Hammer? Hammertime?
Can't touch this?

I don't know. Can you show me? I
mean is it hard?

-Serious?
-Yeah.

-I mean yeah.
-What does it look like?

-I don't know.
-I'll show you.

- Okay.
- Are you ready?

Uh-huh.
- So, it's like- it's like.

Wow.

That is- that is something else.

I mean, I would definitely
swipe right.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I would swipe right

if I were a bird.

Oh okay!
Good, good to know.

Can I ask you something?

And it's 100% okay
if you say no, obviously.

Yeah.

Can I kiss you?
I just really wanna kiss you.

I'm not supposed to.

Oh, okay. Why?

Because Molly is my best friend
and Geoff is your best friend.

And if it didn't work out
between us

then that would be
awkward for them.

Right, yeah. Absolutely.

And, you know, then who
would invite us to this-

I was just thinking,

I mean, kissing doesn't

-have to mean anything, right?
-Totally.

We can just make out,
just not be in a relationship.

Nope, yeah.

Can I ask you something?

And you can 100% say no.

Yeah.

Do you wanna go have sex?

100% yes. Okay.

♪ You and me ♪

♪ Let's get together ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪ You think forever ♪

Hey, hey.

-Hi.
-There you are. I love you.

I love you too.

-How are you feeling?
-I feel hot.

I am so hot, right?

Are you hot?

-No.
-Because I am certainly.

You are very hot.

You are very attractive
human being.

Hmm.

Oh fuck.

Yeah.

If you want to have sex
with my sister-in-law,

then you should do it
because that's beautiful

and then we'll be
real sisters forever.

Yeah.

Forever.

Oh god, this feels so wrong.

Do you want me to stop?

No. God, no, no, no.
Keep going.

Okay.

How about this? You sit down
and I get you some water?

Okay. That sounds magic.

I bet it does.

Listen how thirsty I am.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's dry in there.

Okay, just- alright.

Because I'm so hot.

Oh god no,
what are you doing?

Well, we didn't use protection
so I pulled out.

But that's not what was
supposed to happen.

-What?
-Oh god. Okay.

I mean, that's okay.
That's okay.

Oh, here, I'll-

I'll do that.
I don't want you-

I don't want you
to do the dirty work.

It's okay. I got it.

Okay.

Sorry about the- you know.

No, it's okay.

And that was amazing.

Yeah, that was amazing.
It really was.

Yeah. So-

I'll just see you out there.

Alright.

Shit.

Hey Siri,

how long does sperm
last outside the body?

No, no, no, no. This is wrong.
No, no, no.

Okay, alright.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Hurry, hurry, come on.

I don't want it to
get on my dress.

Please, I can feel it
going down my back. Eww. Please.

Alright. Hold still.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay.

-Make sure you get it all.
-Yeah, I am.

Some kind of got to the crack.
Alright.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

So, you know,
you can't pay me enough

-to do the second part.
-No, no, no.

No, no, no.
I know, I know.

Okay.

- Hey Junior.
- Hey.

Why are you in such a good mood?

Oh, I'm just hanging.
I'm partying.

What's up?

Hey, man.

You sneaking around Jaclyn too?

What?

She's quite the slippery mix,
that one.

Okay.

Oh shit.

Hey, do you know where Geoff is?

I love this party.

- Hi.
- Hey.

-Hello.
-There's the birthday boy.

-Yeah.
-Get in the pool. Get inside me.

Sweetie, why don't you
get out of the pool, huh?

No, no, no, no.

You come in the pool
because guess what it is?

It's later.

Get in your birthday suit
you birthday boy.

And come on.
This whole pool feels like sex.

I don't think now
is the best later, okay?

Fine. Then just go back inside.

No, I mean- Look,

you know I'm totally down for
the later thing, the plan.

-Just now is-
-MOLLY: It was a moment.

And it was gonna be
beautiful and perfect.

But you ruined it.

And so, I guess we'll just
keep

never ever having sex.

Ever, ever, ever, ever.

And then one day we'll have sex
and it will be like,

-"We have to throw a parade."
-I'm gonna go get Jacyln.

Yay, we had sex.

So, you and Armin.

What am I gonna tell Molly?

Girl, I told Geoff I wasn't
flirting with his sister

which is a promise
I don't intend on keeping. Okay?

You're the best.

I'm here for moral support.

Okay well, thank you.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

- Hey guys, have you seen Jackie?
- No? Alright.

Hey, have you seen Jackie?

You gotta be kidding me.
You too?

You know,
you have a beautiful wife.

You should take care of her.

Or someone else will.

Okay, okay.

Listen to me you
flea market Picasso.

Your next words, I would
choose them very carefully.

-Oh yeah?
-Yeah.

Or what? Oh!
He made me spill my drink.

I think you should leave, huh?

I would prefer not to.

I don't give a fuck.

Occupied!

Oh shit.
I was just doing crunches.

What do you mean occupied?

Oh!

I'm sorry, Geoff. I-

I need you to get
Molly out of the pool

where she's swimming
in her under things.

Okay, absolutely.

-Okay?
-Geoff, does this mean

I'm not invited to Thanksgiving?

Get her out of the pool! God!

♪ Get your hands up ♪

-Hey.
-Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Just- I just have to go
help Molly.

Oh, and let's just keep that

to ourselves, yeah?

Yeah, yeah. Definitely.

On the down low.

The QT. Totally.

Then again, it's like
we're not in junior high. Right?

We don't need Geoff
and Molly's permission to

I don't know, say,
go to a concert.

I'm on the board at StubHub
and I can get us primo seats.

What do you say?

Yeah I mean, yeah. That could
happen.

Yeah, okay, cool.
Got you a glass.

No, no.

You've heard of NFTs, right?

This is weed fungible tokens.
It's an investment.

Hey.

Geoff won't have sex with me.

I don't think his birthday
party is the best time to do it.

You know?

We barely even
have sex anymore ever.

Honey, you guys have been
married a long time.

You know, at the end
for Todd and I,

we had sex maybe like,

twice a month.

Yeah, but you were unhappy.

When we started dating,

we had sex two times a night.

We just recently went
on a romantic spa getaway

and we had sex one time

in three nights.

Maybe men slow down
as they age.

No, that's what I wanted.

That's not me.

Well, this definitely is you.

I mean, this reminds me of
some of the fun times we had

in senior year.

Right?
Because I used to be fun.

Like, I was fun, right?

But I'm not any fun anymore.

- Yes, you are.
- I'm not.

I'm not even a fun mom.

I thought I'd be a cool mom.
But I'm not.

I yell.
I yell at my kids.

I do it, I do.

Everybody does.

Come here, come here.

I almost had sex with Tim.

What?

I really wanted to.

Molly, he's the worst.

And it's your fault
that I didn't do it.

I just was thinking
about you and Todd,

and I didn't want
to break my marriage.

I love Geoff.
I love him.

He's a good man.

I'm so bored.
I'm like, so, so bored.

And I just-
I hate my new friends.

Because I- No, no, no.
I don't-I don't hate them.

I just-

I do hate me when I'm with them.

I fucking hate all of it.

Like, I hate dance try outs.

And I hate room moms.

"Oh, please upload a photos
of your sweet little angels

into the Shutterfly site."

Why didn't you
upload any photos?

You forgot to upload
the photos.

Could you just do that please?

Could you please do that?"

Jackie, don't be a mom.

I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have said that.

But you won't be fun anymore
because I'm not fun anymore.

And I'm never gonna see you.

When do you even see me?
I'm like your best friend.

Wait. Am I even your
best friend anymore?

Of course, you are.

Molly, come on.
Sisters before misters.

I love you.

I love you.

Also, why am I in the pool?

I don't know.

Maybe I thought
everybody would get in.

Yeah. Maybe it'll be a good
idea for you to get out

and do the cake.

Oh no, the cake.

Oh no, it's Geoff's birthday.
I ruined Geoff's birthday.

No, no, no.
I think I have you beat there.

It's true.

It's probably true.

Alright, okay.

You know, I love you.

I love you too.

Can I-
Can I borrow you for a sec.

I'm just helping Molly
with the cake.

Yeah, it'll be great.

It's okay.

I'll be right back. Okay.

Cake, frosting.
I'm coming for you candles.

Joyce, hey.

I just wanted to introduce you
to my girlfriend, Jaclyn.

Huh. How convenient.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

How long have you two
been together?

We're not actually
"dating" dating.

Yeah, but it seems promising.

You know, just nice
to be with someone

who doesn't play games.

Oh, yeah. I get that.
I do adore games.

Probably because
I enjoy the company

-of other human beings.
-A lot, yeah.

I shouldn't be in the middle.

Is everything alright over here?
Are these people bothering you?

Who the fuck is this guy?

-Uh, he-
-Wait a minute. I know you.

Are you the shirtless chef?

Oh my god, I love your
brined chicken breasts.

They're so good.

It's the smoked paprika
and pineapple juice

that makes it boom.

Do you drink
a lot of pineapple juice?

- Tons.
- Ah,

it's got that sweet sauce?

Yeah, it's got that sweet sauce.

Okay, what is going on here?

Just talking to people
at a party I was invited to.

So.

Hi, it's me MJ
from the bathroom.

I know it's not Jeff Goldblum,
but it is a dinosaur

and they're apex predators
and you're the apex predator

of my heart.

Hey yo, before you leave,

we're gonna have
a little survey.

Show hands who here
has not had sex

with Jaclyn tonight.

Show of hands please.

One, two, three, four, five.

It's more than
I would have thought.

Did you have a gang bang
at my birthday party?

No. No.

Okay, whoa,
you're slut shaming her.

No, it's truth telling.

She fucked four guys
at my house.

Oh my god.
When you went upstairs.

Please tell me that you
did not have sex in my bed.

No, I didn't.

He is the only guy
I didn't have sex with.

I buy that. Yeah.

Obviously, I mean, you're
uninvited to Thanksgiving.

You know what? This guy?

Yeah, okay.
I get it.

You had sex with the shirtless
chef? Lucky.

And this one, yes,
okay, I get it.

But him? Really? Him over me?
You've gotta be kidding me.

I thought I was
your wish come true.

You are.

♪ Happy birthday- ♪

-Oh, for fucks sake.
-♪ To you. ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Everybody singing.

♪ Happy birthday dear Geoff ♪

What are you?

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

-What is the matter with you?
-Honey, make a wish.

I love you.

I wish this night
would fucking end.

It didn't.

That was pretty dark.

I should go.

No, no,
you're not going anywhere.

Didn't it mean anything to you?

Of course it did.
It was fun.

Can't that be enough?

But physical touch,
that's my love language.

Well, acts of service are mine.

Jaclyn, I thought
we had a connection.

We did. We do.

You slept with Armin?
But I asked you not to.

Why not me?

Wait, Molly.

Did you have something
to do with this?

No. No, no, no.

She told me
way before the party

not to have sex
with Armin.

-Oh.
-Okay, why not me?

This is like "The bachelorette."

Yeah, with fucking.

Oh, there's fucking
on "The Bachelorette".

You guys, there is a really
simple explanation for all this.

Jaclyn has stage 4 lymphoma.

She's got a week to live.

So, she slept
with a bunch of guys.

Who are we to judge?

Wow, you look amazing for
stage 4 cancer. You really do.

- Really hot.
- Oh Jaclyn-jaan.

This is why you quit
Jen Aniston's charity?

Wait, you know Jen Aniston?

Can you put in a good word
for me before like- you know.

No, I'm not dying, okay?

And I didn't quit my job.

And my mom didn't break her hip.

And I think that covers
all the lies.

And I am really, really sorry
if I hurt you guys.

I'm sorry, Geoff. I'm sorry if I
ruined your birthday.

Apology accepted.
I'll get the door.

- Oh.
- We were just making

out in the closet. It's not a
metaphor for anything.

You know, if anybody
should be having sex, it's me.

It's my party.
It's my party.

Oh Geoffrey, grow up.

Where are you going?

- The party's over.
- What do you mean

the party's over? Oh.

Enjoy your walk of shame, slut.

I knew you'd come back for me.

Listen, you misogynistic
untalented nut sack,

if I'm really such a slut,

then why didn't I
sleep with you?

And also, fuck you
for calling me a slut.

I can sleep with whoever I want
and however many people I want.

Just because you didn't get
laid
doesn't make me the bad guy.

And actually, it was deliberate
choice not to sleep with you

because the very thought of
a miniature you make me sick.

Wow, why would there
be miniature me?

Because you were all selected

for a very special purpose.

I gotta say, it's beautiful.

Is this a Mormon thing?
Like, you're sister wives?

Wait a minute.
Is this a key party?

Oh my god, is this a coven?

Where the fuck are my-
Never mind, I got it.

You told me the condom broke.

It did. It did technically.

You know, I just- I might have
helped it a little bit.

Girl, this is deceivious.
I like it.

She wants a baby.

So, one of you lucky guys
is gonna be a baby daddy. Yay.

And who wants cake?

Well, at least I know
it's not mine.

I pulled out.

Umm.

-How?
-Life finds a way.

Okay, so which one was I?

Oh god, I after-
I'm gonna be sick.

Yeah, I want a DNA test.

Yeah, I feel really used
right now.

Like, I'm losing money
coming here.

I didn't eat carbs.

Bottomline is, none of these
men
gave their consent.

What you did is fraud.

Well, it's only fraud If she
tricked them into having sex.

I mean, look at her.
I say they hit the jackpot.

Thank you. Stop fucking whining.

I know y'all wanted
to get a piece of

Jackie's McGinley's Vaginley.

This was just supposed
to be a one-time thing.

I'm probably gonna plan B
the whole thing anyway.

Oh, no, no. Don't do that.

Each and every one of you
are good and decent men.

Except you.

And I'm so sorry for lying.

But I had a really good time.

But if we met in real life,
okay?

On a real date.
Who would you pick?

Because if it were up to me,
I would pick you in a heartbeat.

Oh, that is really thoughtful

and amazing to hear.

Okay. Well, that settles it.

Oh my god.

Huh.

- Get up, man. Get up.
- Jaclyn, will you marry me?

-No.
-I don't want our baby to

enter the world a bastard.

Yeah, that bastard
could be my kid.

Huh, let's hope not.

Points for creativity.

But legal or not,
this plan is insane.

Yes, you're right.
It is insane.

I didn't want to get
pregnant this way.

I really didn't.
I would love

to have a baby with a loving
husband.

And yes, I could adopt
and I could go to a sperm bank.

But I want to know
who the father is.

Because one day,
I can look at my child

and I can say, "Your father
was a kind and decent man."

And they don't have an app
for that.

-Oh my god.
-Hmm.

I came up with this crazy...

You think what I'm thinking?

I can get a prototype up in a
month.

...selfish and a horrible
person.

And I'm sorry.

I just wanted to have a baby of
my own. If I still could.

I mean, god. When you put it
like that, I just-it's-

Are you insane?

Are you insane?

Have you all people
lost your minds?

This- this woman stole
your sperm.

She stole your sperm, man.

She stole your sperm.
She stole your sperm.

She's a sperm burglar.

-What?
-Yeah.

You ask me,

your ex got off the crazy train

just in the nick of time.

Oh!

God dammit.

I wanted to do that.

Oh my god. My water just broke.

- Oh no!
- Is that all

-coming from me?
-Baby you're water boarding him.

-Oh my god.
-It's in my mouth.

-Salty Brian.
-I think that's gonna stain.

Oh my god. You have to take me
to the hospital like, now.

Baby, I'm three tumblers deep
into this scotch here.

Well, what are you gonna do,
ding-dong?

I can take you. I can take you.
I got this.

Isn't there a breathing thing
you could be doing right now?

Yeah, right. Remember baby,

-hee-hee-hoooo, hee-hee-hoooo.
-Okay, hee-hee-hoo.

Fuck you.
I wanna push, it's coming.

No pushing in the car.

Jaclyn, we're close, right?

Yeah, yeah.
Minutes away, minutes away.

Oh look, look,
put this here.

You can put that right under
there.

Squeeze your legs together
real tight.

Because it's real leather.

It's real leather.
We paid for this nice leather.

Get out of the car.

Get out of the car.
Get out of the car.

Get out of the car.

Wait, what's up?

My dad was a piece of shit
who was never around.

You have to promise me
you're not gonna be like that.

I'm never gonna leave you.
Ever.

Okay? I know you're scared.

I'm scared too,
but we're a team, okay?

It's you and me
versus everybody.

- Okay.
- Okay?

-Okay.
-Okay?

-Yeah, yeah.
-You ready to meet our daughter?

-Yes.
-Come on.

-Yeah, yeah.
-Let's do it. Let's go.

- Here's a wheelchair.
- Oh god.

Easy.

Okay, now you can push.

Hee-hee-hoooo, hee-hee-hoooo.

Hee-hee-hooo.

Crazy.

There isn't gonna be
anyone there for me.

- No.
- I'm gonna be all alone.

I've got no one by my side,
no one to hold my hand.

Oh my god.
What have I done?

I've just been-

I've just been so focused on
getting pregnant

that I didn't even think about
how I was gonna raise the kid.

I mean, why would I choose
to be a single mom?

This is crazy.

This is something we
should have thought about

like, three hours ago.

Hold up.
I was raised by a single mother.

-And I'm the shit.
-Yes.

I don't know that I'm
gonna be a good mom.

Hey, I do. I know you're gonna
be a good mom.

-Yes.
-No, you don't know that.

-I do.
-No, you don't.

Forget about all the therapy

that the kid is going to
have to have

after he finds out
how I got pregnant.

I mean Goeff and I,
we always saw it's a good day

if we only added 15 minutes
to our kids' therapy.

Yeah, but you guys
have each other.

I've just got myself.
And I'm no picnic, guys.

You know that.
I mean, what if I ruin this kid?

I won't let you.
You need to tap out.

I'm there, boom.

Yeah, me too.

If you need to tap out,

I'm totally gonna pay
for a babysitter for you.

Y'all like the straight white
sisters I never had.

Are you serious?

I love you guys so much.

I love you.

Ladies, this zone is for
loading and unloading only.

- Okay, just a minute.
- I'm gonna need you to

move your car or I'll have
to impound your vehicle.

-Okay.
-Okay.

Take me home

so I can give the birthday boy
the ride of his life.

Because he has definitely
earned it.

-Yes.
-And I'm gonna go sit on

his sister's face because I've
earned it.

- I love you guys.
- I love you.

Thank you.

I mean and who knows
this is even gonna work, right?

- What are the odds?
- I mean...

It's just gonna be
a little cold.

There you go.

-There's the heartbeat.
-Oh my god.

Do you mind just
holding still? Thank you.

Oh, hold on.

I think I see another.

What?

Okay, one.

There's two.

And yap, that's three.

Congratulations,
you're having triplets.

What?

Yay, three babies.

Damn, you really are
a sperm burglar.

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Aye, daddy, daddy ♪

♪ Why don't you head my way ♪

♪ Let's get lost in a new
dimension ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Aye, daddy, daddy ♪

♪ Why don't you come say "Hey" ♪

♪ So desperate
for your whole attention ♪

♪ Cause we livin' up this life ♪

♪ So don't you leave now ♪

♪ I just got to know
you better ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ We livin' our best life ♪

♪ So don't you go now ♪

♪ I just got to
hold you better ♪

♪ We need the drinks
to go down, down ♪

♪ Need a beat to get down,
down ♪

♪ Baby, let's get out and
knocked down, down ♪

♪ We need the drinks
to go down, down ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ya-Ya ♪

♪ We need the drinks
to go down ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ Down, down ♪

♪ We need the drinks
to go down ♪

Shirtless chef today, we're
risking it to win a biscuit.

We're making a pinapple chicken
breast brine.

Let's see how it turns out,
we've never done this before.

Boom!

One pound organic chicken
breast,

one cup pineapple juice,

table spoon of salt and mix it.

Mix garlic,

table spoon smoked peprica.

Brine for two hours.

Stir both sides with a little
avocado oil.

Bake at 450 for 20
to 25 minutes.

Work out while you wait.

Boom! Boom!

Delicious.
We just invented a new recipe.

Boom! That's shirtless kitchen
baby.

What did I miss?

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