All language subtitles for Supernatural Activity (2012) eng(1)

In this world,

there are things that cannot
be explained in the natural.

Things that baffle the most
accomplished scientists in the world.

For example.

One night you're sound asleep, when...

Yeah. That was a creak.

That was definitely a creak.

Most people in this world attribute
the strange phenomenon to ghosts.

That's just ridiculous.

Ghosts don't exist, stupid.

Well then, what is it?

It's a demon.

Demon! Demon! Demon!
Demon! Demon!

Demon!

Damon. Demons are everywhere.

They're deceivers.

They only pretend to be ghosts
so that you'll believe in them.

You want to know the truth about
your little friendly ghost?

Demon!

There are all kinds of demons.

Each one sent with a specific
evil task to inflict

upon your unsuspecting soul.

Do you ever get a tingling sensation
in the center of your back?

And you just can't scratch it?

Itchy demon!

You ever see
a sort of ugly looking kid

walking down the street with
a smoking hot babe?

Gold digger demon!

Does your dog ever bark at thin
air for absolutely no reason?

Mailman demon!

But be not afraid,

for there are brave souls whose
job it is to banish these beasts

back to hell!

Together, we are:

Blair, Brock, Doug, Pepper, And
I'm your man, Damon Dealer.

- Together we...
- COMMUTE.

To haunted houses and sites to...

CONFIRM.

...the presence of the super natural.

Then we COMMUNICATE with said
supernatural entities

so that we can CLEAN HOUSE.

Leave the natural activity
in the bathroom, son.

That's right.

Because we only investigate
SUPERNATURAL ACTMTY.

And cut!

Do you like that?

I... I...

- Did you like that?
- Yeah.

It was genius, right?

Evil.

So, that's your big hook.

That's why we're the number one
paranormal show on TV.

I like it.

Of course...

This guy has a little bit to
do with our ratings as well.

My name is Brett.

I'm the editor.

I mess with the footage and make
it look like there's ghosts.

Or demons, or something.
I don't know.

It pays.

Orbs are easy.

Easy? Orbs are a joke, bro.

They're a joke. It's child's play.

So, does the rest of the paranormal
team know that the show is bogus?

Not everybody.

Why not?

Let's put it this way: What my team
doesn't know, can't hurt them.

Oh my god! What was that?

It sounded like a gunshot.

Jesus.

No no. Wait.

Wait.

God.

Stop. Stop stop stop. Don't go.

What are you doing?

Check it, brother.

Got us a brand new Beechwood 700 model.

You bought a shotgun?

XCBR-14.

Black bone.

Collector's Edition.

Hot damn!

When I sent you out to get paranormal
equipment, this is not what I had in mind.

Come on now Double D.

Check this:

Shoot Right Pro trigger system.

And Trinity corrosion control.

You understand I have no idea
what you said right now.

It means... Evil don't
stand a chance, boy.

Squirrel demon!

My name is Doug Thomas.

Film maker.

Four years ago, Damon Dealer
captured my attention

with an eight second pitch,

a documentary titled Freaky Fraud Day,

in which he was to expose his
tv show Supernatural Activity

as a hoax.

What you have just seen and are
about to see is that documentary.

Join me.

...on a safari through the
brilliant mind of me.

Correction: The brilliant mind
of Derek Lee Nixon.

About four years ago, Doug
came to me with an idea:

Shoot a movie about a
documentary about Damon Dealer.

Let me break it down for you.

I'm the dude that's filming
another dude,

that's filming a documentary
about a tv show,

that ain't even real.

We four deep, sister.

So... This is the neighborhood
that I grew up in.

These are some nice houses.

And right over here...

This is where
Tara Moore got hit by a car.

Second grade.

We're getting off the bus.

Came around the front,
this big ass truck.

Wham! Oh my god.

I was walking two feet in front of her.

Is she okay?

Her head exploded like a water balloon.

OH NO!

Jesus.

I had to pick up her brains.

Used to always play duck duck goose.

In class.

Yeah. You know what? We're going
to talk about something else now.

She used to always pick me.

Yep. Nope. What do you think
about the show, Damon?

What do you think makes it
so successful?

Mom killed herself a year
later.

Damon!

What?

What about the show makes it
so successful?

Oh.

I don't think it's a secret.
I mean come on.

I'm five foot seven inches
tall.

Do you know how many fans I
have in China, bro?

Please.

What about the show makes it so
successful?

You're asking me what makes this
show so successful?

Come on, guy.

You act like you don't already
know.

I think it's pretty obvious
that I'm the main attraction.

I don't know why the show is
so successful.

I don't watch TV.

Why not?

You know what this is right here
hot shot?

- A bible?
- That's right.

A bible.

You don't read about some DVR
in 2nd Corinthians, do you?

David. Adonis.

Brockhaas.

When I go to the gym, the
weights catch up on me.

That's right because there ain't
any sitcoms in Revelations.

I got all the reality TV I need
right here.

Jesus Christ, my lord and
savior.

He right there is the ultimate
survivor.

Believe that.

I had an eight pack when I was
eight.

Shoot. So you think you
can dance?

More like, so you think you
can sin.

You can't be gyrating all
over the place.

Fornicating.

Basically all it is,
is fornicating.

This face could make the
Sahara wet.

I don't even watch sports.

But if I did, I'd create a new
event in the Olympics.

It's called praying.

Everybody wins.

Everybody gets on their knees.
They all get a medal.

Either gold, frankincense,
or murr.

But everybody's a winner.

I love you, America.

Next question. Come on.
This is fun. This is good.

- I like this.
- Alright.

So what got you into the whole
paranormal thing?

Well... My mom's a psychic.

So I guess I got my swindling
genes from her.

Oh. I'm an accountant.

And my dad, you know.

He... He passed away
when I was three.

So...

Well... He don't care none
about the paranormal.

It's magic.

I mean, this little prick
started from day one.

When he was nine or ten, we
bought him one of those kits.

And he just went berserk.

The wife thought, "hey. it'd
just be a phase. right?"

First year of middle school,
he starts levitating and shit.

Then we knew... He
had a big problem.

Oh my god.

He levitating. He levitating!

Girl, he floating. He floating.

Tuck. Tuck.

Come on, man.

I'm going to show you where
the real magic happens.

Babe!

Hey babe.

Oh yeah.

Our relationship is somewhat
of a really big secret.

Why keep it a secret?

Because the producers want to
keep our pervert fan base happy.

And the thing with pervert fan
bases,

is they like knowing you're
single.

Even though they're never going
to meet you.

They like thinking that if
they did,

that they could hook up with
you if they wanted.

So where did you guys meet?

Strip club.

Yeah. She was making about...

About a hundred grand a year.
Putting herself through college.

You know, so she could get a job
that would start her out

at about forty grand a year.

I was a lot different back then.

Do you even really like her?

- What who? Blair?
- Yeah.

Why would you ask something
like that?

I mean, look, you know.

She's a stripper.

Once a stripper, always a
stripper. Right?

Between you and me, man. Why
don't you just level with me.

Why don't you just shut up right
now, man?

Don't judge her, alright?

You don't know shit about her.

Hey. Look around you.

The world's a zoo.

When you find the right one,
you've got to mount that.

Let me tell you something.

You see this?

That's how much I like her.

Right there.

Wow! You're going to propose.

Yeah.

I don't know how I'm going
to do it yet.

But I think it's going to be
very public.

So I'm sure she'll have to
say yes.

Supernatural Activity
Headquarters

It goes by many names.

I just call it "the office".

Because, well, it's an office.

Hey Jim.

- Ryan.
- Dwight.

Temp.

Okay.

For the finale.

Now it's just a season finale.

My team doesn't know it's really
going to be the finale-finale.

I've got the perfect place
locked down.

Three words:

In. Burial. Ground.

I forgot about that. Sorry.

Oh. Thanks, Jim.

Okay. I stand corrected.

Native American burial ground.

So...

Damon, I've got it!

Got what?

Our season finale. Listen to
this.

It's from Hicksville, Texas.

"Mr. Dealer, sir."

"You're not going to believe
this."

"But me and my girl got a ghost
up in my crib"

"that's driving me bananas."

"I'm not sure if you're familiar
with the local legend around here"

"but there's a magical hairy
creature that lives in the woods"

"called the Smallsquatch."

The Smallsquatch, Damon!

Wow. That's crazy.

I mean, this could be the final
piece for my Smallsquatch project!

Yeah.

Yeah. Totally.

I mean, I mean.

We've got to keep the show in
mind with the general audience.

I mean, Bigfoot. It's kind of
overplayed.

Don't you think?

The Wild Man of the Navidad
Graves.

The Boogie Nights thing.

You know, that's three.

Okay. Those were all Bigfoots.
This is a Smallsquatch.

- They're different.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I just... you know what?

I got it.

It's perfect.

Next season, we open up,
first thing. Smallsquatch.

Hell. We'll do it all season
long.

Okay, Damon. No.

Okay? It makes way more sense to
do this as a season finale.

We don't have anything picked
out.

Well yeah.

About that...

We kind of already do.

Okay, so?

Cancel it.

Damon, we're going to
Hicksville.

We can't go to Hicksville.

So what did Blair say to
change your mind?

Dude. She didn't say anything
to change my mind.

My mind is not changed. Alright,
look.

I'm going to discredit the
Smallsquatch people.

And we're going to do the season
finale on the Indian burial...

...the Native American
burial ground.

Okay. Why does it matter which
one we do?

What does it matter? Are you
kidding me?

Dude, do you know how many years she spend
working on the Smallsquatch project?

If I expose it as a fake, dude,

in front of millions of
people...

Forget about the wedding.

So, how do you plan on
discrediting the Hickville people?

Listen. If you confirm and
support crackpots,

that makes you a crackpot.

Supernatural Activity,
we're legit.

We don't deal with crackpots.

So...

You know, the next step is to
see if there's

a commutable leaf in the
mythology.

Without that, all you got is
crackpots.

You know what?

Whoa whoa. What are you doing?

Where are we going?

I'm going to go see if anyone's
even heard of this Smallsquatch.

Well, I ran into him one time.

When I was plowing through some
trim on my tractor.

From what I heard, she was
walking in the woods,

and it just attacked her.

Bigfoot? He banged a witch.

Nine months later, out came
this little, hairy wizard.

Oh vato.

Polka what?

Poco Pata's like some Lord of
the Rings type shit, ese.

For real, man.

That big guy should have stuck
the squash on Frodo Baggins.

Vato could've took that ring
back with just a look.

Just a pinche look, ese.

You know what I'm saying?

Have you heard of the
Smallsquatch?

- Yes I have.
- You have?

What does it look like?

It's big and real...
Really hairy.

Very confused. Lies like you
wouldn't believe.

Wild imagination.

From what I heard according
to legend is,

if he catches you he'll tickle
you to death.

- Tickled to death.
- Death by tickle.

He tickles you to death.

You just like piss your pants
and die.

Well the other day I was at
my house smoking.

And my cousin started cracking
up.

I went inside to see what was
going on.

He was dead. So I figured it had
to be the Smallsquatch.

Since they say death by tickle.

That little hairy midget, bro,

tickled Gandolf the Gray till
he pissed his clothes.

You know what I'm saying, ese?

He tickles you, and tickles you,
and tickles you.

And then, you stop breathing.

And then...

then... then...

You die.

- Forget about it.
- Okay.

Okay.

Sorry. Thank you for your time.

Bernie Madoff with my money.

I think it's safe to say
the mythology is present.

Dude, there are more important
things to take

into consideration when dealing
with a hoax.

Like, we haven't even met the
subjects yet.

Hey. There's a kid walking
around.

I thought she said it was
a couple.

I don't know. Ask the kid.

Excuse me, kid.

Hey.

Is this 1131 Oakwood Drive?

No, sir. You just missed it.

It's back one more house.

What the fuck did you just say
to me, boy?

Uh... what?

Kid, you talk to me like that
one more time,

I swear to God I'm going to
get out of this car.

I'm going to beat the living
shit out of you.

I'm sorry sir.

Is that a camera?

Oh my god. Can you believe
this kid?

Is that a camera? Is that a
camera?

You're a fucking retard.
He's a retard.

I'm going to get out of this car. I'm
going to beat the living shit out of him.

Yeah, it's a camera.

You're going to be on TV, guy.

Congratulations.

You just spent your 15 minutes
looking like a fucking retard.

- Well...
- ISAAC!

What's going on here?

I've got to go. It was sure
nice to meet you folks.

Come back and visit any time.

Man, get the fuck out of here.

I was nothing, papa.

Just city folk.

They've got cameras!

And cut your hair, Beaver!

It's uncanny.

See these locals? They're
hostile.

Every small town.

Now the subjects are most
crucial

in deciding whether or not a
site is eligible for a hoax.

I've always said that.

You know, I mean.

You want them to be competent,
right?

- But not necessarily too smart.
- True.

You know.

A little bit out there. Right?

- But not crazy.
- Also true.

You know, like, attractive
is good.

Right? For ratings.

But you don't want them to be
so hot that it's distracting.

Not even remotely true.

Okay. I'm not asking for your
validation, bud.

False.

You'd be lost without me and I
should be the one running the show.

Go put a shirt on.

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

- Dewey?
- Yes.

Damnit Dealer. You're on my
front porch right now.

I am speechless.

God damn freaking Dealer!

Sorry. I had to get that out.

Your team is fantastic.

Blair, you are...
You are gorgeous.

I don't even know how many
times I've... never mind.

Brock, you're just freaking...

Abs are stacked.

How many of those? 12? Jesus.

Pepper.

I love you. Oh my god.

Spit. Just spit all over
the place.

On me. I'll rub it around.

And Doug...

That camera work, man.

Like, intense. The heart beats
the whole time.

It's just.

And damn it, Dealer.

Can you give me one of these?
Just one.

I guess he watches the show.

- Oh my god.
- HEY!

Whoa. I'm sorry.

- HEY!
- Sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey.

We can go inside. Do you want
to go inside?

Please.

I'm freaking out, man.

This... This is my crib.

It's probably nothing compared
to yours, but.

You know, it'll do.

Take a seat wherever. You're
good.

Yeah. Table works.

This is Mitzi, the love of
my life.

She's my everything.

That's a great set.

Thank you.

So, Dewey, What do you do for a living?
Just a little about you.

I'm still... I'm sorry.

Damon Dealer is in my house.

Do you work out, bro?

I've been looking for a P90X
partner like, forever.

Answer the question, Dewey.

You're my everything, babe.

I'm a tool.

- Do what?
- A tool.

- Do what?
- Tool.

- Say again?
- I'm a tool.

- Say what?
- Technical Operator On Location

...for the phone company.

Oh okay. Yeah yeah.

TOOL. Perfect. Yeah.

It's one of those synonyms.
I've got you.

Yeah. Correct.

So do you think this is like...

...the Smallsquatch? I mean,
I guess he is.

Well, I don't want to say
for sure.

It's a little hard to tell.
I mean...

The modus operandi fits.

You know, so many other demons
as well.

So...

What? Like who, per se?

Like Bro-thelzar.

For one.

Who's Bro...?

Bro-thelzar.

He was a brontosaurus demon from
the Jurassic Park... period.

He was around about 138 million
years ago.

He's a seer demon.

And he was the first one up on
the 2012 thing.

This is WAY before the Mayans.

Just to give you an idea...
...how big his bronto-brain was.

Damon effing Dealer.

I just got to say it, dude.

You look fit.

Your metabolism must be off
the charts right now. Like...

And that P90X offer...
...stands for life.

Feel unlimited.

I love you so much.

Okay. Alright.

Tits-ey. Mitzi.

What do you do for a living?

Oh I'm in school.

I just got my Masters in
Psychology.

And now I'm working on my PhD
at Phoenix Online.

Oh PhD.

Doctor.

Doctors are smart. Very very
smart.

Okay. Why don't we run some
tests?

Okay. Why don't we not?

I think I've seen enough.
You guys are great.

Yeah. Let's run some EVP.

Hell yeah!

You down with EVP?

Yeah. You know me.

Who's down with EVP?

All of my homies... WHAT?

I caught her that time.
I'm so... Whoa!

Alright. Thank you. Yes.

We'll do the EVP. We can do
the EVP.

Alright?

But I swear to you:

If we don't find any sort of
paranormal activity...

Then we're going to leave.

End of story. Okay?

We're going to do the burial
ground.

Hello, evil entity.

Can you hear me?

Is Patrick Swayze there?

Are you friends with Patrick
Swayze?

Hello, evil entity.

Can you hear me?

Electronic Voice Phenomenon.

See, With demons, we all know
they're very powerful creatures.

They're large, they have razor
sharp teeth.

Claws, the whole nine.

For whatever reason, though,
they have very weak diaphragms.

And so when it comes to
electronics,

their voices just don't carry
very well.

So what we do is, we blow up
the files.

And we basically look for any
sort of speed bumps.

But I wouldn't worry about it.

No no. I see one coming up.

I now have in my
possession a baby.

And I am in a corner.

I'm going to put the baby in
the corner.

Does Patrick have anything to
say to me now?

What'd he say? I couldn't
hear that.

Give me one second. Let me
slow it down.

You're a dick.

Did you do that?

No man. Wasn't me.

What is your favorite food?

Pizza.

Who is going to win the
World Series?

Yankees.

How sure are you?

Bet the house.

If you could have one super
power, what would it be?

Flying.

No. Wait.

See the future.

If they turned your life into a
movie what actor would play you?

Matthew McConaughey.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Atch.

Atch who?

God bless you.

Ahhh. You tricked me.

Redheads, brunettes, or blonde?

Smallsquatch not picky.

Houston, we have confirmation.

EVP. It's probably the easiest
trick in the book.

All you've got to do is drop
the octaves down a little bit.

Or you can put a filter on it.

Which is what I usually do.

But, that's what I do.

Yeah. Semantics.

Oh my god. Brock.

You idiot!

What?

I didn't do anything.

What was the "it" that the river
ran through?

I never got that.

Oh my god!

OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD! THAT PAN FLEW OFF
THE COUNTER.

DAMNIT, DEWEY. THIS WAS MY
GRANDMOTHER'S!

No no no no!

BUT I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU! OH MY GOD!

OH MY GOD!

We've got to get out of here.

She's a monster.

No, Damon. Come on.

Damon, Damon, Damon, Damon.

What are you doing, man?

Two of hearts.

You've got to be kidding me.

Dude. That girl needs
professional help.

She could hurt someone.

She could hurt herself.

Your turn.

Yeah...

Some taped over footage there.

It's a little embarrassing when

Damon provided me with the tapes
to shoot the documentary.

And no one checked to see if
they were his own home videos.

So... Absolutely not.

Hold your voice, man. The
cameras are going to hear you.

It doesn't matter if they can
HEAR US.

Okay? They can read everything
we're saying.

What are you talking about? How?

Dude, they have subtitles.

- I'm not guessing it.
- Come on.

- I'm not guessing it.
- Come on.

I am not guessing.

- You know how much this project means to me.
- Exactly.

If you go through with this...

Okay. It's dark where you are.

We're fine. I'm more than
willing to step to the plate.

I can run this show.

You're lost.

If this ship is going to sink,

I'm going to be the guy who
drowns us. You remember.

Don't think. Come on.

You can figure this out.

You just have to let go and
believe.

Believe.

I... You know what?

I've got a better idea.

Yeah. OH, do you like that?

Alright guys.

Let's quiet down. Let's focus.
We're losing daylight.

Alright. We need to figure out
a game to... guys!

Come on.

Let's get real here.

Communication is the most
important C in the C system.

As you all very well know.

So if we're going to get rid
of this demon,

we've got to know what it wants.

Guys! Brock. Can you get
serious?

My bad, bro.

Please.

Does this face look serious
to you?

Does this face look serious
to you?

ANSWER ME!

Yeah.

I need you this serious.

Alright.

Pepper.

Blair, Doug.

I need you guys to go out
into the woods.

I need you to set up camp,
alright?

We're looking for anything that
looks like a Bigfoot habitat.

- You've got it.
- Yeah.

Tuck, me and you,

Brock, we'll stick around with
Dewey and Mitzi.

We'll set up paranormal phone
lines around the house.

Alright?

Does anybody have any questions?

Yeah. Are we looking... Are
we looking for a midget yeti?

Or a Bigfoot dwarf?

Uhm...

Because The Abominable Snowman,

which a lot of people know
as the yeti,

is thought to be native to
the northern Himalayas.

Whereas the sasquatch, which a
lot of people know as Bigfoot,

is thought to be from the
Pacific Northwest.

So...

It's just like...

Wait, so...

Are you looking for an actual
answer to that question?

Or are you just asking it out loud
to sound really smart to everybody?

It... well, yeah.

- It's...
- The second one, right?

Yeah. No, that's what I thought.

And to answer your question,
you're an idiot.

It's just there's a difference.
That's all.

Doug's an idiot.

He is.

He really is.

That's what you look for in a
good camera operator.

Like Shark Week.

It's a bunch of idiots jumping
in the water.

Hey.

Whatever it takes.

Looking for a physical
manifestation of

any sort of yeti or a bigfoot
or a sasquatch.

Right? It's a demon.

Right? It's a spirit.

I mean, how many times have we
done this thing before? Alright.

Let's quit acting like amateurs and
start acting like professionals.

Hell yeah!

- Can I get an amen?
- Amen!

Let's get ourselves a demon.

Love you.

- Have fun.
- Thank you.

For what?

For letting me prove to the world
that Smallsquatch really exists.

For reaffirming that my life
has a purpose.

For keeping hope alive.

I think I might die without
hope.

Oh shit.

Language!

Dude, why would you mess with the
EVP without consulting with me?

Because I knew you wouldn't
let me.

Of course I'm not going to let
you. You're an idiot.

You are nothing in the game
of life, bro.

Whoa whoa whoa! Slow your
roll man.

Nothing.

You seriously need to lose the
attitude. Stress will kill you.

I might lose my girlfriend
out of this.

- How am I supposed to feel?
- Get over it.

- This is a good thing for us.
- How?

Bro.

You are going to be remembered as one of
the greatest illusionists of all time.

Houdini, Tupac Shakur, Penn
and Teller, Elvis Presley.

Damon Dealer.

I mean, this could make our fan
base triple bro.

Let me ask you something.

Do you ever think of anything
other than our fan base?

No. I don't.

And that's exactly why I'm going
to be

the most famous man in the
world.

Let me tell you something, guy.

There is a reason that I am the
most famous,

super, gigantic, mega famous
person in the world.

Okay?

So you want to be like me?

Try being great at something.

I'm great at being famous.

I'll show you. I'll show
everybody.

I'm going to be like the
Kardashian baby,

whose real daddy is the
president,

who is best friends with Suri,

who has 500 million fans on
facebook and twitter,

and has an affair with
Prince William's daughter.

And if he has twins, I'm going
to smash on both of them. Why?

Because I'm Brock, bitch.

Oh shit.

We're like The A Team, fool.

Army Ranger teammates.

And I need you to bring your
A game.

Can you do that for me?

It is what it is.

- Rome wasn't built in a day.
- Let go. Let God.

- Put up or shut up.
- Let it all hang out.

- Every dog has his day.
- Go big or go home.

- A penny saved is a penny earned.
- Boys will be boys.

- Let me run the show on this one.
- Absolutely not.

Damnit.

So Pepper, what's like,
the biggest game you ever shot?

Biggest?

Or wildest?

Both.

Biggest was a giraffe.

Shut up!

- You shot a giraffe?
- Yeah.

I was on a safari in South
Africa.

That big son of a gun stuck
his tongue out at me

and made me so mad. POW!

Caught him right in the throat.

Which makes sense when you
think about it.

Seeing as a giraffe is mostly
throat.

- That is crazy.
- Right.

What was the wildest?

Garden gnome.

- Shut up!
- I won't.

What was that like? I mean like...
A garden gnome?

There ain't much to eat there.

- No?
- No. No.

It's kind of like a beef jerky.

Tough... spicy.

But it's got a lot of protein
though.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I reckon one of them would
really hit the spot

after a nice workout.

Chop one of them little gnome
fellas up,

throw em in a blender maybe a little
banana in there or something,

maybe some giraffe venison.

That right there'll hit
the spot.

That'll get it done. It'll get
her done.

Okay, but... How did
you get the gnome out?

Because gnomes are mythological
creatures.

Yeah. Yeah. What's up?

Well, you can pretty much kill
anything.

So long as you got the right
bait.

- Bait?
- Bait.

What kind of bait did you use
to get the gnome out?

Yeah.

Well...

Unlike...

I like to keep my secrets.

Well... Looks like she's done.

I like to call this guy Alvin.

You guys want some?

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- You're missing out.

Dear God, thank you for Alvin.

Now he is dead.

I'm going to eat him.

Then go to bed.

- DOUG!
- What?

Oh god. Now I'm coming.

I'm cumming. I can't...

DOUG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Doug, get over here!

Seriously, hurry up!

Wait till you see this!
A rock formation!

OH MY GOD. IT'S A PILE OF ROCKS!

Oh god!

I want to hold you. Hold me.

Hey!

HEY!

- I'm...
- HEY!

I'm disappointed in you.

Have you done your quiet time?

- Well I was in the middle of it.
- Well you can finish it.

You could do all things.

Corinthians 4:13

I'll go finish.

A pile of rocks.

Oldest trick in the book.

God, it works every time.

And why is that?

Well, you know, I think
everybody knows that witches,

above every other intelligent
creature, love to stack rocks.

Sandstone, magma, etc.

You know?

What? You think Stonehenge
happened by itself?

Please. Please.

People always ask me.

Well they don't actually always
ask me.

But I imagine them asking me
questions, you know?

Like, "How do you put a bunch
of rocks together"

"and stack them up and make
people think"

"witch?"

And the answer is, teamwork.

That's how you do it.

Look. If you want something
done right,

you go ask an expert, right?

Because there's a good chance
that you're an idiot.

And you don't know what you're
doing.

Can you show that to me one
more time?

That last little bit?

So what makes Addy such an
expert?

Well, you know,

kids are more advanced than
adults in a lot of ways.

It's like you're on a hay ride.

You know, it's like their
imagination hasn't been

destroyed by their stupid
parents or their jerk bosses.

You know? It hasn't been
bludgeoned by crystal meth,

high speed chicken feed, crank,
crack cocaine, glass, ice,

In a lot of ways, kids are
geniuses.

Right Addie?

I just pooted.

It just doesn't make any
sense to me.

What doesn't make any sense
to you?

I mean, if Smallsquatch wants
something,

why doesn't he just say so?

Seriously dude.

Why does he have to go all
creeper status?

Guys. The communication process
is different with demons. Okay?

They don't have iPhones, or
gmail, or any of that stuff.

Well I know.

It just seems like it should
be easier.

Well, there is one way to expedite
the communication process.

Out in my car, right now,
I have a Ouija board.

- NO! NO WAY MAN.
- No Ouija.

- No. No way.
- Hell no.

It's not going to happen.

It's not there.

The feeling isn't. It's not
there.

Always offer the Ouija.

They never go for the Ouija.

Guys, relax. Okay.

Relax.

I'm sorry. It was a bad idea.

I'm not going to bring the
Ouija board inside.

Yeah. You've got to get rid
of that bull spit.

- That's the devil's keyboard.
- No. I know.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

You know what?

In fact, I'm going to go out in my car
right now. I'm just going to burn it.

No! No!

No sir, Bob.

- That's not happening.
- Oh my gosh.

I can put a candle to it.

Always offer to burn the Ouija.

They never go for burning the
Ouija.

Okay.

Night two.

I'm going to be crashing here
with Mitzi and Dewey.

Let's see what happens.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh god.

Oh shit yeah.

These are pretty.

Worth some money.

- Damnit Dewey!
- Mitzi! You okay?

You left the toilet seat
up again!

Freaking idiot. My ass is
all wet.

GOD.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Just getting... Pepper...
coverage.

Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa.

Blair, are you seeing this?

This is fake, right?

Please tell me this is fake.

Some magic's real.

Did you just have a thing?

Did you just have a psychic
thing? What did it say?

What did it say?

We're all going to die.

No!

Oh my god. Did you see Blair's
outfit?

Tacky much?

I mean, seriously, she looks
like a Christmas tree.

I know. I just want to like throw
a bunch of gifts at her feet.

I mean, maybe we could take
a star, and put it on her head.

Oh, that would be perfect.

Like some ornaments too,
all around her.

I mean, Blair dear, honestly...

I hope you've been a really
good girl.

Because Santa needs to bring you
a whole new wardrobe.

Oh my god.

- You are so awful.
- Yeah.

AWFULLY delicious!

Tasty.

Coconut.

What does that mean?

It means he'll eat anything.

- WHOA! WHOA!
- Whoa. Whoa.

- Is that the Smallsquatch?
- No. It's Danny.

Put the gun down.

Hey. What's up?

Hello. Hello?

Blair, can you hold on a second?
I can't hear you.

You're just going to whip a
shotgun on us?

Guns are supposed to kill
things. It's what I do.

I'm a cold blooded killer.

You really think the Smallsquatch is
going to call her up on her iPhone?

Yeah. Basically he can call anyone,
anywhere, on the 4G network.

Oh please, man. The Smallsquatch
wouldn't do that.

He'd pick up a GoPhone. Those
things are untraceable.

You use em, you throw em away.

Like the wire.

What about now?

Can you hear me?

Yeah. Much better. What's
going on?

I wanted to see how you're
doing.

Oh my GOD it's amazing.

We found rock formations
yesterday.

And just now, we found stick men
hanging from the trees.

Wow.

Wow. That's crazy.

I know. I think we're really close
to nailing the little bastard.

What about you? Are you having
any luck?

Yeah. Well...

Yeah. You know.

It's alright.

- Hey Blair.
- What?

Listen.

I'm sorry.

Sorry about what?

Damon, come quick! Oh my god.

There's some writing in the
powder.

On the floor.

Blair, I've got to call you
back.

Yeah.

I love you.

Babe... Babe.

Babe!

What is this? Latin?

Dewey...

It is Latin.

For, "She is way out of your
league."

Get out.

You know Latin?

It's English, Dewey.

It is.

It's just not very good English.

It says, "seance."

Oh. That's it.

Demons have roughly the IQ that
of about a 3rd grader.

Why is that?

Well... Demons work three jobs:

Steal, kill, destroy.

I mean, where does a classroom
fit into that?

You know?

It just goes to show you,
there is never enough time.

Even for eternal beings.

Right Brock?

I have 3.2% body fat.

Alright.

Remember.

He's a deceiver.

So he'll do whatever it takes
to stay in my body.

So when he shows himself, I need
you to drag him back to hell.

Alright?

Is everybody ready?

SMALLSQUATCH!

WE COME TO HEAR YOUR MESSAGE!

Speak now.

Or forever HOLD YOUR PEACE.

I think I'm the only guy in
the world

that prefers an off kiltered
table.

I'm Spartacus.

No!

I am Spartacus.

NO!

I am Spartacus.

I see gold digger demon's
already been here, sonny.

Smallsquatch!

It's time for you to bounce,
bro.

NO! NO!

No!

Mr. Funny Pants.

Funny Pants, are you?

Why are you here?

Yeah. What do you want?

How about a biscuit?

What?

A BISCUIT!

Alright, dude.

What do you want on your
biscuit?

The works.

What's that?

Like butter?

Oh yeah.

Jelly?

Grape, please. Grape.

Good choice. Good choice.

What about gravy?

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

I could eat the shit out of some
biscuits and gravy right now.

Me too, dude.

Can't hold on much longer...

No...

GET OUT OF THERE, SONNY.

AIN'T NOBODY COMING OUT OF
THERE BUT ME, SIR.

ENOUGH!

That's it.

Smallsquatch I command you to
go back to the pits of hell

in the name of Jesus Christ,
lord and savior

of all that's pure and holy.

Leave him, Jesus!

NO!

Okay.

Remember.

He's a deceiver.

He'll do whatever it takes to
take over my body.

That's why he's doing this.

So when he shows himself, I need
you to send him back to hell.

Alright?

Is everybody ready?

You literally just said that.

Mission accomplished.

Infrared.

Didn't even get to use it.

And what's the game plan now?

Well, we wait for Blair to
show up.

She should be back in the
morning.

Do you know where they're at?

No, I mean...

Not exactly, but Pepper does.
You know.

And you know, the thing with
him is,

he doesn't seem very bright.

But he's pretty street smart.

And you know, street smarts
come in handy when you're...

...in the middle of the woods.

So where are we?

About eight miles south west
of base camp.

Latitude 27 degrees 54 minutes
41 seconds.

Longitude -97 degrees 33 minutes
31 seconds.

You can seriously tell that
from that needle?

Oh no.

GPS.

Let's motivate.

Hey...

Hey baby.

Hey.

What's going on?

I miss you.

We're almost done.

Yeah. I know, I know. I just...

I wish I could be out there
with you right now.

You are out here with me.

I am?

Yeah.

I'm lying in your arms,
pressed up against you.

Can you feel me?

I think I can.

I'm brushing your ridiculous
emo hair from your eyes.

I put a hand on your inner
thigh.

Oh!

I work my way up towards your
sweet and sour.

I reach down... And I
grab your denim bulge.

I like that.

I rub your taco like a rabbit's
foot.

Like a genie lamp, baby.

My fingers... they dance...
..along your garden snake.

You mean my South American
bushmaster.

You get bigger... and bigger...
and bigger...

I sprout like a bean stalk.

Jack's bean stalk, baby!

I bite your neck.

Ow. Not so hard.

I bite harder.

Wait. Are we doing this thing
rough tonight?

What'd I tell you about
asking questions?

My bad. My bad, my bad.

I bury your head in a pillow.

Yeah. Bury me, baby.

- Your ass is like a pound cake.
- Yeah.

It hurts so good.

I can't control the muscles
in my face.

They contort...

...into an ugly face.

Oh god. Your ugly face is
so hot, baby.

I turn you back over and I kiss
the shit out of your ugly face.

Only... We don't kiss.

Our open mouths collide.

And we stay there. Connected.

Oh my god. You're like
Jackie Kerouac.

You give yourself to me.
I breathe you in.

Like a respirator.

I hold you tight.

My body shudders.

My butt cheeks clench. I peak.

We collapse into tiny particles.

We disappear forever.

Into the stars.

- Like astronauts.
- Astronauts.

How was that for you?

It was like a 7.

7? You mean a 9?

- 7 and a half.
- 8 and a half.

- 8.
- 8.25

- 8.125
- 8.1625

8.14375

- 8.153125
- 8.153125.

Yep. Totally an 8.153125.

You know how I know it's an
8.153125?

Because we both just said it
at the same time.

Okay yeah. Okay. I'll call
you tomorrow.

- Yep. Bye bye.
- Love you too.

Yeah yeah yeah. Alright bye.

Bro.

I totally have a raging hard
on right now.

Shut up.

You heard that?

Every second.

It's going to have a million views
by 9:00 AM tomorrow morning.

Brought to you by Brock Haas.

Okay. Two words.

It's a person!

Um...

- Jesus Christ!
- Jesus Christ!

- You got it.
- Alright!

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

My turn.

Okay.

One word.

Sounds like.

- God!
- God!

You got it!

Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!
My turn.

That's my girl.

Okay.

It's a person.

Um... Michael J. Fox.

No no no.

Muhammed Ali.

Oh!

Sylvester Stallone.

No?

Beyonce Knowles.

- Jim Carrey.
- Jim Carrey.

Cat woman.

Halle Berry.

Anne Hathaway.

Come on. Give us a clue.

It starts with 'small'

and ends in 'squatch'.

Aw, nuts!

Damon Damon Damon. We've got
an emergency.

It's paramount to documentary.
We got to go.

Come on. Emergency! Come on!

Go where?

This is such BS, bro.

7th grade girls, man.
They're scandalous.

I swear, they do anything
to be popular.

Yeah. Especially pretend to
be possessed.

Hey, it's Clair.
I knew you'd call.

And that's why I didn't
answer. Just kidding.

Leave a message after the beep.

Blair, hey, it's me. Listen.

There's been some trouble with
Emily Sunflower.

Luckily, I packed my exorcism
kit.

Just call me when you get this,
or come by as soon as possible.

Oh thank God you're here.

Where is she?

How long has she been like this?

Since we called you.

You've got something...
in your teeth.

Yeah.

Yeah. No, up.

It's like a piece of chicken.
Like a thigh.

Or like a chicken wing.

No. On the right side.

My right or your right?

No. Let's see.

Your right.

Yep. There you go. You got it.

Thanks. I hate when people leave
me hanging in public.

Oh. Me too.

It's the worst!

So embarrassing.

Tell me about it. Tell me about
it. I mean.

You think, "Hey. There's my friend.
They're going to help me out."

You go shopping together.

Maybe leave little comments
on my facebook wall.

They're very complimentary.

But they never tell you when you
got something stuck in your teeth.

- Not a real friend.
- No.

They're not.

Anyways.

You'll be needing these.

Yeah. Get your feet there.

Son of a.

You see what he's doing here?

That water starts to boil...

It means your daughter's got
the demon in her.

Out of the way.

No. No, stop!

STOP IT!

No you didn't!

- Dang!
- Ew!

Hey. I've been looking for that.

Ew!

Is that a blowdryer?

No. It's a blowing dryer.

It's blowing your mind,
isn't it?

What do you want me to cough
up next?

A snow blowing?

Ew!

Is that DVD?

Blow, starring Johnny Depp
and Penelope Cruz.

It should have been you, Danny.

What should have been me?

You didn't even come to my
funeral.

What are you talking about?

Duck.

Duck.

Duck.

Duck.

Duck.

- GOOSE!
- Oh god.

HELP!

Damon!

Somebody call for...

Oh shit. Oh shit.

O-M-G. OMG.

Oh god.

City and state please.

City and state.

Hickville, Texas.

Alright. Listing please?

9-1-1. I need 911 please.

Calm down. Is this an
emergency?

Of course it's an emergency!

Why would I dial 911 if it
wasn't an emergency, lady?

Sir, you dialed 411.

Oh my god.

Oh shit. Shit.

Blair. Blair!

- BLAIR! BLAIR!
- What?

- Get out.
- What?

- Get out. Come here.
- Oh my god. WHAT?

- What? What's going on?
- Pepper's gone.

What do you mean,
"Pepper's Gone."?

I don't know. He's not here.

Okay. Where is he?

- Oh my god. Let's go. Come on.
- Wait.

- Come on!
- Wait!

Wait. Wait over there. I just
realized.

What? What what?

We're in the most haunted
woods in the world.

Oh my god.

You're right!

- Come on!
- Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god. Are you okay?

- Doug, are you okay?
- Oh my god.

- What's wrong?
- Too much shaking cam.

I have to take my dramamine.

Give me the camera.

Jesus... That was
really disgusting.

Oh god. I can't be around that.

Doug! Doug! Hold on. Wait.

I think I see something.

Oh my god. Pepper!

If we don't start living together,
we're going to die alone.

We have to go back, Kate.

We have to go BACK!

Look.

I don't know what you want
from me. Alright?

For all we know, this is some
sort of practical joke.

Mr. Dealer, with all due
respect,

You and I both know that that little
girl in there ain't my little girl.

Oh no no. That's right.

She's possessed by a demon.
I forget.

Bro. Think about it.

Oh come on. You too?

The greatest illusion the devil
ever pulled off...

...was convincing the world
that he disappeared.

You just misquoted the SHIT
out of that right now.

Like, it wasn't even close.

Mr. Dealer, I'd do anything
for my daughter.

I'd stab myself 57 times in
the gut

if it meant I could free her
from that demon.

I'd eat a buffalo's nut sack for
breakfast every day

for the rest of my life.

I'd have premarital sex without
a condom.

- In Africa!
- Jesus.

I'd sleep with a leper

while a swarm of bees stung
me in the face.

Okay. I get it.

I get it.

You are crazy.

And I get that. I like that.

But what is your point?

Have you ever loved someone
like that?

I'm going to need to gear up.

Gear. up. montage.

So. freaking. cool.

Like, beyond cool.

You have no idea how much I
love gear up montages.

Also, guess who got a new camera
baby?

Eat your heart out, Tuck Thomas.

Come on guys. Guess.

Just one guess. One guess.
I dare you.

- I dare you to guess.
- Shut up, Dewey.

I'll tell you who it's not.
Billy Boobs Thornton over here,

who can't even operate the
microwave.

But seriously.

Our love is eternal, but, our
survey about the camera says...

He'll be fine.

He always is.

Alright.

Now before we get started,
I have to warn you.

Mr. Sunflower, your daughter may
be possessed by multiple demons.

Multiple demons?

That's right.

So when we get rid of this one,

another one may come and take
its place after we leave.

And it's not that we weren't
successful

at getting rid of this one.
We were.

We were very, very successful.

I've never missed a free throw.

It's just that another one came
and took its place. See?

Multiple demons.

Multiple demons.

That's right.

Is everybody ready?

Let's do this.

Let's go.

Blow hand demon.

And the Lord said unto Satan,

"Hast thou considered my
servant Jobe?"

"A perfect and upright man."

"One that feareth God and
askeweth evil."

The Lord said to Jobe,

"I will strike down with
furious vengeance"

"and furious anger"

"and furious fury"

"upon thy demons,"

"on teenage demons,"

"on mutant demons,"

"on teenage mutant ninja
demons!"

What?

Jobe? Seriously?

You're trying to cast me out
with the Book of Jobe?

Yes. What's wrong with that?

That guy was a weak sauce.

Oh come on. He was not weak
sauce.

Okay? He was a nice guy.

He was a nice guy!

Okay? The devil put him through
the ringer.

Don't put that on us.

We had permission on that one.

Oh right. Permission.

Permission.

Permit this!

Yeah!

Now that's what I'm talking
about.

God, that's not funny.

I just did my makeup.

I thought you said it was
holy water.

Got it on Craigslist.

You know how that goes.

Oh, you're the worst!

The power of Sprite compels you.

The power of Sprite compels you!

Obey your thirst, demon.

OBEY YOUR THIRST!

Oww. My back.

Mr. Sunflower, no.

Girl, you are tight.

I think you're okay.

Mr. Dealer, the cross!

That's right.

Corner three, corner three.

The trade. Down here.

No no. Pass it good news.
Pass it good news.

Three, two, one.

PASS THE FREAKING CROSS.

It's hot!

That's it.

Give it to her, brother.

Mr. Dealer, no sir.

No sir.

We're talking about my little
girl here.

- No?
- No sir.

Yeah right.

Softer.

Okay. Alright.

Here.

Softer.

Softer.

Okay. Now swing away.

Mr. Dealer, swing away.

NO!

Hook. Give her the hook.

See that?

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Banana noogie. Smells fruity
in here.

It smells fruity in here, demon.

No!

Yes.

Never!

EAT IT.

This is... bananas!

Nothing like this has ever
happened before.

Keep going. Keep going. This is
awesome.

You bitch!

I command you to leave this girl
in the name of God.

Blair, Blair, quite contrare.

I command you to leave
this girl's body.

In God's name.

Too bad she wants to live.

But then again, who doesn't?

I command you to leave this
girl's body.

In the name of Jesus Christ.

Is she going to be alright?

Emily? She's fine.

She's going to be fine.

You're going to be alright,
baby.

Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus!

Hallelujah.

You've been delivered from evil.

Let's get you home, baby.

Brock.

We have to go get Blair.

Hell no, man.

Did you see this shit?
You're on your own.

There's some crazy people
out in the woods.

Good luck with that.

Suit yourself. TUCK!

What?!

Wait wait. Hold on.

I sense an evil presence.

Oh god.

Oh my god.

We're going to disappear!

Here. Give me the camera.

I'm going to use the light
to lead us back.

You know... that people
who disappear...

...suffer the worst deaths.

Not everyone who disappears
dies.

Yes they do.

Their limbs get severed.

And their kneecaps get smashed
in.

And their bowels get ripped out.

And their larynxes get crushed.

The larynx.

I'm very fond of my larynx.

Yeah. I noticed!

Just relax. Okay?

No one is going to crush your
larynx or smash your kneecaps.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!

Yes. Actually I do.

I'm psychic. Remember?

Okay. Sure.

So... Then what's
going to happen?

The same thing that happens to
everybody.

We're going to find our way.

We're going to go some place
beautiful.

Like a beach.

I can... a nudey beach?

Yeah.

You know, it'll have loose guys and...
clear waters and...

white sand...

- And big old boobies?
- Yeah.

Palm trees... dangling wangs.

Little huts...

...just nonchalantly swinging
from side to side.

There will be eagles...
...and hammocks.

I can hear the waves and the
birds.

Can you?

Doug?

DOUG?

DOUG?!

DOUG!

BLAIR!

That's it. I've got a minute
left on my last tape.

I'm calling it. We're done.

Blair!

We're done here. We're never
going to find her out here.

Yes we are.

Look. It's like finding a needle
in a hay stack.

And I don't want to get lost.

Dude, for the last time,
we are not lost.

No no no.

You don't understand. I said
I don't want to GET lost.

Dude, how could we possibly
get lost?

We're animals, alright? We're in
the woods.

Alright? This is...
This is our backyard.

I play around in this place
all the time.

Oh my GOD, you got us LOST.

DOUG!

DOUG!

No! No! No!

Not the kneecaps. No!
Not the kneecaps.

Blair!

Doug!

You bitch! You lied to me.

No. I had no idea.

- You are the WORST psychic EVER.
- What?

You're awful!

Hey!

I honestly cannot think of a
worse possible psychic than you.

You might still make it out
alive.

No! He's killing me!

He's definitely killing me!

- Where are you?
- I don't know.

OH NO. NO!

Not the larynx.

Not the larynx. NO!

Chop off my cock!

Take my cock!

Leave me... not the larynx. NO!

NO!

We are not lost. Okay?

This is America, my friend.
America.

Unbelievable, man.

My ancestors paid cash
money for this land. Okay?

$24 Manhattan. Look it up.

Unbelievable.

You know what? You don't get it.
Alright?

George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln,

Thomas Jefferson, Winston
Churchill, Sarah Palin.

This land is your land, bro.

This land is my land.

Ben Franklin flew a kite so
you could be here.

Of the icy...

You're impossible to believe,
Damon!

Beyond belief.

Oh my god. Would you stop with
the belief stuff?

"Unbelievable. Beyond belief."

Blah blah blah. "Believe,
believe, believe."

It's like you're trying to
tell me something.

Believe?

Believe.

Nice.

Shh. Shut up.

Believe.

Believe.

Believe.

Believe.

Oh yeah? Are you going to try
that gypsy stuff on me?

You're delusional!

And the Tuck Thomas cinematic
voyage

is going to sail away without
you and

your soon to be canceled joke
of a television show.

What's that light?

My god.

What is that?

Brock?

Rise, little ye of big faith.

Rise. The Smallsquatch lives.

Rise!

It doesn't make any sense.

Mitzi?

Rise ye, great demon yeti.

Well yeah, actually, I can
totally see that one.

Rise.

Oh my god.

He is such a tool.

The editor?!

This is just getting ridiculous.

Rise, Smallsquatch.

Rise!

RISE!

Oh my god.

DAMON!

Damon!

Believe. Believe. Believe.

Damon!

Believe.

I've got you now.

Blair!

Blair.

Blair, are you okay?

Blair.

Well well well.

Lookie what we have here.

If it isn't Damon Dealer.

I think you just accidentally
hit me, bro.

That's the way the cookie
crumbles.

It's time for a change,
Danny boy.

I'm the man now.

That one kind of felt like you
did it on purpose.

Of course it was.

And now I'm going to kill you.

Kill me?

Too many cooks spoil the soup,
bro.

What are you talking about?

It's just water over the bridge.

Dude, you just misquoted the
shit out of that right now...

I guess the price is wrong.

Bitch.

Billy Madison...
Try Happy Gilmore.

Oh yeah.

No. Yeah. You're right.

You got me. Happy Gilmore.

Definitely Happy Gilmore.

Why are you doing this, bro?

What choice did I have?

You wouldn't let me run
the show.

- Damon!
- Get off me.

They're over here!

You were going to tell the
whole world it was fake.

And I just made it real.

It's my show now, Damon.

Time for you to take a breather.

Blair.

Are you okay?

Run, babe. Run!

Well alright, alright, alright,
McConaughey.

You just suffered some Old
Testament justice.

- Oh no.
- What?

What's wrong?

I can't get the...

- The camera light went out.
- Turn it back on.

I can't get it to work.

Here. I'll just turn on
the light.

Blair...

You're more woman than I
deserve.

Look. I don't care about the
stupid show.

I don't care about being famous.

I don't care about your past.

I just... I want you to be
happy.

And I'd do anything for you.

I'd slay a dragon for you.

Alright. Like a mean one.
Like a real mean one.

Not a nice one like Puff.
Alright?

Like a big, badass one that
talks.

Alright? And I say that with
full confidence.

Because dragons don't actually
exist.

Not one of them. Not at all.

If you ever got Hodgkin's
lymphoma, I would cut you open,

and I would suck that sweet
cancer right out of your body.

Every last bit of it. Like
a vampire.

If you paralyzed yourself,

because you jumped off a diving
board, and you broke your back,

I would wheel you 500 miles and
I would wheel you 500 more.

Just to be the guy who wheeled
you a thousand miles.

To go see a doctor to fix
your back.

Because you broke it.

When you jumped off the diving
board and you paralyzed yourself.

If you had a penis, like if
one day I found out, like,

"Whoa. There's a set of nuts."

"And a penis she'd been hiding
from me."

"She did a terrific job
tucking."

I would move to California.

And we would still make
it legal.

Yeah. I would marry you if you
were a dude.

Do you feel the same?

I'd die for you, baby.

God.

Should we make a run for it?

Okay.

Come on.

Come on.

I mean, the pockets.
They're too small.

I don't even know where I'm
going to hide my dignity.

Things that I do for you.

"The King said, turning to
the jury..."

If we die, we die.

Tut tut, child. Everything's
got a moral.

If only you can find it.

DANNY!

"I wonder if I've been changed
in the night."

"Let me think."

"Was I the same when I got
up this morning?"

"I can almost think that
I can remember"

"feeling a little different."

"But if I'm not the same,"

"then the next question is:
Who in the world am I?"

"Ah, that's the great puzzle."

DANNY!

BLAIR, NO!

BLAIR! BLAIR!

You did good today.

Yeah. I bet you say that to
all the wabbits.

I'm proud of you.

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

No! Stop it!

No no no! Stop it!

Every time you turn that
thing on,

it feels like you're taking
our work home with us.

I know, but I want our eight
kids to see us

when we're young and beautiful.

We got kids. Right.

Well you keep praying for that.

So what do you want to watch?

- Cloverfield?
- No.

What about... The Sixth Sense?

No.

Wait.

What?

- I've got an idea.
- What?

Do you trust me?

I trust you.

Do you love me?

I love you.

People who disappear suffer
the worst deaths.

Not everyone who disappears
dies.

You disappear forever.

We're going to go some place
beautiful.

Like a beach.

The greatest illusion the devil
ever pulled off

was convincing the world that
he disappeared.

Blue skies, and clear water.

And palm trees.

Little huts.

Bro.

You are going to be remembered as one of
the greatest illusionists of all time.

Houdini, Tupac Shakur, Penn
and Teller, Elvis Presley,

Damon Dealer.

Eat your heart out, M. Knight.

What just happened?

Don't be that guy.

Was it a trick ending?

Were you paying attention?

I have a headache.

- That ending was our idea.
- It was.

Www dot trick ending connection
dot edu

Little brat stole it from us.

We're going to sue his ass
for billions.

Yeah. Billions.

Lawsuit.

Shoot. American Idol?

I'm going to come out with
a show next year, and call it,

A False Idol.

The winner gets to burn in
a lake.

A fiery lake.

Obviously a regular lake would
do the opposite effect.

If they were on fire to begin
with.

We play all kinds of sports.

Table tennis, foosball,
Bocce ball, tether ball.

Anything with balls.

If we invented chess,
it would've had balls.

Yeah.

It only would've been made
for not nerds.

And we both would've lettered.

Am I going to come rip in? NO!

No!

Do I come and rip down your
fucking lights?

In the middle of the scene?

- I was just checking my lights.
- Okay. No.

Then why the fuck are you
going to walk through?

Like this?

In the middle of the scene?

What the fuck is it with you?

What don't you fucking
understand?

Talk to me about Grey's Anatomy.

The only anatomy I want to be
focused on is God's anatomy.

The Father, The Son, and
The Holy Ghost.

Shoot.

If Lazzarus had Gregory House
as doctor,

we would've never even heard
of the son of a gun.

Believe that.

Oh good for you!

Good for you. And how was it?

I hope it was fucking good.

Because it's useless now,
isn't it?

Unbelievable.

Fucking amateur, man.

You know, I think I want
a smallsquatch.

They're SO cute.

Do you want daddy to get you
a cute cuddly little Squatchey?

Yes, daddy.

You are so precious.

I just want to take off all
your clothes.

And put you over a stove right
now.

Stoves are hot.

Maybe flip you like a pancake.

I'll make you sizzle like
some bacon.

Sizzle!

Let's go again.

No! Let's not take a minute!

LET'S GO AGAIN!

And let's not have YOU walking
through it.

Unbelievable.

Un fucking believable.

The amount of times he's
strolling the fuck around

in the background.

I've never had a DP behave
like this.

The Olympics told us to go home

to give everyone else a fair
shot.

Yeah.

I could drink ten beers and beat
Michael Phelps in rowing.

I could drink 12 beers and beat
Marion Jones in ball chess.

We're not saying you have to
be twins

in order to be a great scholar
athlete.

Oh no. No.

But, it helps.

No! Quit trashing my set.

Quit trashing my scene!

Am I going to trash your lights?

Am I going to trash them?

Then quit trashing my scene!

You are trashing my scene!

Fuck.

Real Housewives of Orange County.

More like Real Housewives of Jerusalem.

Got married, Mary Magdelene.

Of course they'd be easy to cast
because nobody knew who they were.

Because her face is covered up.

You're a nice guy! You're a
nice guy!

But that don't cut it, when you're
fucking bullshitting around,

fucking around on set.

What?

Oh.

Yeah? You think this is
one person?

Haven't heard that one before!

- Whoa.
- How they doing that?

I can't believe it!

They've got the same guy playing
two parts. It's a twin.

How you doing that?

Boy! Technology. It's really
going places in the movie biz.

Wow!

If I was the same guy, how am
I going to do that?

Same guy slap himself.

Yeah. How is he doing that?

How is he doing that to himself?

- God! How is he doing that?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Same guy. Same guy
playing his own twin.

- Punch himself.
- How do they do that?

- Right in the boobie.
- How do they do that?

Iron Chef?

I got a different show.
It's called God Chef.

We all just prepare communion.

How to chop up a little bread.

Little bit of wine. Just do it
in remembrance of me.

Bam! Show's over.

God's happy.

Two and a Half Men.

Never mind.

I can't be the only person to not
do a Charlie Sheen joke, right?

Shoot. I didn't know
sitcoms were revelations.

Two and a Half Men.

More like three men.

Jesus, God, and The Holy Ghost.

I mean technically,
they're kind of the same.

Which lends itself to the
Two and a Half Men part.

Plus, the ghost is more of a spirit.

Which is kind of half a man.

Either way, we're all living together.

And peace and harmony to you.

And we'll walk in the golden
streets of... Graceland.

No.