Original subtitles

Hi, Tony.

- Guess what I just bought? - A new bowling bag.

Very funny. Are you going bowling with us tonight?

Oh, I can't, Roger. Jeannie expects me to be with her every minute.

She's got a long list of things for me to do.

She wants me to go to movies and plays and museums and picnics-

- That sounds like fun. - It would be fun...

...if I had time for it, but, well, I'm- I'm scheduled...

...to do the lunar-landing research vehicle next month.

Know what you should do?

Get her a hobby. That'd solve all your problems.

Can you imagine Jeannie with a hobby?

Hey, wait a minute. That's not a bad i- You're brilliant.

Yeah, something that'll keep her busy 24 hours a day.

Well, I could-

Good morning, master. Good morning, Major Healey.

Good morning, Jeannie.

Tony just told me that he's gonna try to get you to take up a hobby-

- Roger. - Oh, a hobby?

Have you ever thought of studying...

...designing or sculpture?

Oh, no, I would not be interested.

- Dancing? - Karate?

Roge. Isn't there anything that interests you, Jeannie?

Oh, yes, master. I'm interested in all those things.

But if I studied any of them, I wouldn't be able to spend all my time with you.

Nice try, nice try.

- Are you ready to go to the art exhibit? - No, I'm not going.

I've told you three times, I can't go.

Oh, but you must.

No, I mustn't. Now, you've got to realize that when I say no, I mean no.

- Right. He has a will of iron. - Yeah.

Yeah, a will of iron.

- Jeannie. - Welcome to the art exhibit, master.

Yeah.

Oh, look, master.

It is an original Aunt Sarah.

- Yeah. - Mom, I'm tired.

I want to go.

Shut up and stop whining.

You're gonna have culture if it kills you.

I cannot stand to hear people treat children like that.

- Neither can I. - My feet hurt.

Can't we go home?

Do you want to be ignorant like your father?

Jeannie, don't get into this.

Jeannie.

Mom?

Jeannie, come on.

Harold.

Jeannie, why did you turn that boy's mother into a goose?

Because she was a goose, master.

I could not stand to see the way she treated him.

There's a very special way to treat children.

Yeah, I'm sure there is.

- But turning a mother- - I know all about children.

Someday I'm going to write a book about it.

Yeah, you do that.

It would be the best book in the whole world.

You think you could write a book about bringing up kids?

Of course, master.

How long do you think it'd take?

I do not know. Maybe...

...three or four weeks.

Three or four weeks, huh? You wouldn't be able to do anything else.

What I mean is, you'd have to concentrate.

Oh, I would not mind, master.

- Do you really think I should do it? - Oh, yeah, I do, I really do.

Very well, master. I shall.

I am afraid you will not be seeing much of me for a while, master.

We all have to make sacrifices. Now, take your time. Don't rush it.

Oh, do not worry, master.

It will be a good book. You will like it.

I already like it.

Master.

Oh, hi, Jeannie. How's the book?

It is finished, master.

How to be a Fantastic Parent.

- You like the title? - Yeah, it's fine.

What about How to be a Fantastic Mother?

That is a splendid idea.

You like it?

I do not think I should put my name on it.

- Do you? - No, I don't think so.

How about-? Why don't you try anonymous.

Who is anonymous?

You could use any name you want to.

I've got to get to the office. I'm late.

- I'll see you later. - Very well, and thank you, master.

- For what? - Your splendid title.

Thank you too.

For what, master?

Three weeks' training on the L.L.R.V.

L.L.R.V.?

Now, who shall publish my book?

See.

"Woodhouse Publishing Company, New York City, New York. "

I will let them publish my book.

Anonymous?

That is better.

Major Anthony Nelson.

Sam Marcus is one of the best astronauts in the program.

They really hauled him on the carpet, huh?

That poor devil.

It is from the publisher.

Let that be a lesson to all of us.

I am sure sorry for him, Roger, but-

Oh, they have accepted my master's book.

Yeah, yeah, well, all we can do in the future is just be more careful.

Yeah, I'll- I'll see you down at the centre.

- That's a shame. - What is a shame, master?

One of our best astronauts, Sam Marcus, just got himself in trouble.

- How? - He wrote a magazine article...

...didn't clear it.

And that got him into trouble, master?

Oh, yeah, sure. Every time an astronaut writes anything...

...he's got to clear it through NASA.

He does?

Mail-? Jeannie, did you get the mail?

It's just advertising. I better get down to the office.

I want to see how poor old Sam is gonna make out.

- I'll see you tonight. - Yes, master.

Oh, well, who will know? No one will read the book anyway.

- It's all set to go, major. - Thanks.

Well, good luck, Tony. Look, do a good job.

When we use this flying mattress to scoot along the moon's surface...

...we don't want anything to go wrong.

I said, when we- Never mind, never mind. Good luck.

- Good luck. - Bye, sir.

Hey, it worked, it worked, look at him go.

- Is that Major Nelson up there? - Yes, sir.

Perfect. Couldn't have handled better.

That's great, major.

Major, there are some reporters in my office to see you.

Thank you. Sir?

There are reporters in my office to see you.

They probably heard about the test.

- Shall we go? - Pardon me?

- Shall we go? - Oh, yes, yes. Here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Major Nelson.

How do you do? I understand you-all want to ask me some questions.

Would you explain your theory about breast-feeding?

In chapter three in your book, you said-

How do you feel about getting a national baby award...

...from the Mother's Organization of America?

I'm sorry. I don't seem to understand...

- ... what you-all are talking about. - They're talking about your book:

How to be a Fantastic Mother.

My book?

Well, I never wrote a-

Wrote a better book.

How's it feel to be the new Dr. Spock?

- More about your theory on teething. - I read that-

It's amazing how for one hour and a half...

...you managed to say absolutely nothing.

You're a bachelor, aren't you, major?

- Yes, yes. - I'm a psychiatrist.

I'm staking my reputation...

...that this book was not written by a bachelor.

Doctor, believe me, it came off my typewriter.

I'm going to give you a chance to prove it.

Prove it? Prove it how, sir?

Do you remember what you said in chapter 13?

Chapter-? Chapter 13? Well, no, not- Not word for word.

You said that in one evening...

...you could take the most incorrigible child in the world...

...and change him into a loving human being.

Did-? Did I say that? I mean, that was in chapter 13?

Yes, major. And I happen to have the most incorrigible child in the world.

That is, he belongs to my sister. He's 12 years old.

He's already gone through three analysts, of which I was one.

Well, it sounds like quite a challenge, sir.

However, I'm afraid I'm not gonna have time-

- One evening. - Yes, sir?

You said you could do it in one evening.

He'll be at your house tonight, major.

Tonight? Tonight's impossible, sir. I have to work on the L.L.R.V.

And we're going to have another press conference...

...where I'll tell the reporters how successful you've been...

...or you can explain that this book is a fraud and you didn't write it.

I needn't remind you how NASA feels...

...about astronauts getting phoney publicity, need I, major?

- No, no. - You're excused.

Thank you.

Remember Sam Marcus?

Oh, Mother Nelson, I just read your book...

...and I- It's nice reading.

Jeannie.

Jeannie. Jeannie, I'd like to talk to you.

- Good evening, master. - Hello.

Say, how'd my name get on that book?

The publisher made a mistake.

No, you did, and you know what it's gonna cost me?

- My job. - Oh, but why, master?

- You're an expert on children. - I'm not an expert on children...

...and Dr. Bellows knows that.

Oh, he cannot prove it.

Oh, yes, he can. He's bringing his nephew over here tonight.

I'm led to believe his nephew is the youngest delinquent on record.

If I don't make that kid into a bundle of love before the evening is out...

- ... I'm finished, over. - That is easy, master.

- I'll show you the chapter- - You'll do nothing.

- But, master. - You leave that kid alone.

- If that is what you wish. - That's what I wish.

How do you get yourself into these things?

- Hello, Dr. Bellows. - Good evening, major.

This is my nephew, Richard.

Hello, Richard. You look like a fine young man.

You an astronaut?

Yes, yes. You want to be an astronaut when you grow up?

You think I'm some kind of a creep?

Tell him what you're going to do when you grow up, Richard.

I'm gonna join the Mafia.

Has anybody given him a spanking?

Lots of times, but nobody ever spanks me more than once.

- Oh, is that right? - Oh, yes.

Tell him why, Richard.

Because every time somebody spanks me, I set fire to something.

- You want to try it? - No, no.

Well, I'll just run along and leave you two to each other.

- No, you're not gonna leave- - You have three hours.

You're not leaving him here, doctor.

Say...

Richard, I spent a lot of time on that.

Hey, you know, I think we can work out our problems by talking...

...and getting to understand each other.

- You seem bright. - My uncle, the head shrinker, says...

...if you don't straighten me out tonight, you're in a bunch of trouble.

- He said that, huh? - Yeah.

- And you know something? - What?

You're in a bunch of trouble.

Got anything to eat around here?

Sure. We got cookies and milk in the kitchen.

Hold this.

- Oh, General Peterson. - Howdy.

Forgive me for barging in on you.

- That's okay. What can I do for you? - It's about that book you wrote.

- Book? - Congratulations.

I had no idea that you knew so much...

...about raising children.

I don't really know that much about it, sir.

It's an instinctive thing, I suppose.

Don't be modest. When a book gets to be a bestseller...

...there's gotta be a good reason for it.

Well, I suppose there is, sir.

Thanks for dropping by to congratulate me.

Well, I didn't come by just for that, Tony, I-

Well, I have a little granddaughter, 11 years old.

She's a nice girl, but she's terribly shy.

And because of that, she's withdrawn in a kind of a protective shell.

It's- It's ruining her life.

We can't even get her to talk anymore.

If you'd help us, I certainly would appreciate it.

Well, I'd like to try, sir, but I'm really not qualified for it.

Bellows doesn't believe you wrote this book.

This time we're really going to teach him a lesson.

- Yeah. - Gina. Gina.

This is my little granddaughter, Gina.

- This is Major Nelson. - How do you do, Gina?

Gina's gonna have a birthday party next week, aren't you, Gina?

Now- Now, you stay here. You stay here with Major Nelson.

Wait till Dr. Bellows hears about this.

- I'll see you in three hours, Tony. - Sir-

- And good luck, good luck. - Thank you, but I-

Keep it.

Gina, Gina, why don't you go upstairs and play, huh?

I'll- I'll be up in just- Just one minute.

- What are you doing? - Making a mess.

- Are you going to spank me? - Give me those things.

Listen, you shouldn't be-

How would you like to play with a pretty little girl, huh?

Where is she?

No, I guess that's not such a good idea after all.

I want you to clean this pla- Would you stop that.

I want you to clean up, understand? I'll be back in about two minutes.

- Master. - What is it?

Is he not a darling boy?

A darling boy? That kid wants to join the Mafia.

You know what? I don't think they'll take him.

He's not that bad. Do you know what I'd do with him?

No, I know what I'd do. It's against the law.

I've got a kid that won't talk, and a kid in the kitchen...

...that I can't turn my back on. I gotta keep them apart.

Hi there.

I brought you something.

How would you like some cookies and milk, huh?

Say, you're not afraid of me, are you, Gina?

Yeah, come on, you're too pretty to be shy.

Anybody ever tell you that you're a beautiful young girl?

Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Hey, I bet you had- You don't have anybody to talk to, do you?

Gina...

...how would you like to play with a rocket?

Or...

...a globe?

I bet you've never seen one like this. It's a real antique.

How about this telescope?

I can show you, through this telescope, the Sea of Tranquility.

It's on the moon. I'm gonna be landing there one of these days.

Gina...

...I'm just trying to help.

Look.

See, look here.

It's a doll.

Her name is- Is Jeannie.

You- You wait right here. I'll be back.

What's going on down here, huh?

It took me three weeks to make that.

Back to the old drawing board.

Richard.

Come here.

Richard, you shouldn't touch something...

...that belongs to somebody else.

Now, I'll tell you what...

...I've got the makings for a new plane out on the patio.

Now, why don't you go out there and build it.

That's kid stuff.

Oh, no, it isn't.

It takes a bit of intelligence to build one.

My IQ is 170.

What's yours?

Forget it.

Well, how are we getting along, Gina?

Feeling any better?

What do we talk about?

Darling, I don't know how to explain. We don't have a lot of time.

I've gotta get you talking before your grandfather comes to pick you up.

You're a very sweet young girl, and I'm sure you have a lot to say.

All you need is a little sympathetic understanding...

...and believe me, I'm a sympathetic guy.

Just- Just talk to me. Just say the first thing that comes into your mind.

I smell smoke.

You see, you see how easy that was?

Three little words, I smell smoke.

Wonderful.

- Master. - No, later.

You think I'm gonna fall for an old gag like that, huh?

What do you think you're doing?

I was making some rocket fuel.

Yeah, well, stay away from the stove...

...and clean this mess up, and fix that plane.

Master.

If you would read chapter 17, it says here-

Read? I don't have time to read.

My whole life is going down the drain.

- But- - What? No.

Well, have you thought of any games for us to play, huh?

What's the matter, Gina?

I want to go home.

That's Dr. Bellows. I- You just- You just stay right here.

I'm sorry, honey.

- I'm back. - Has it been three hours already?

- Yes, it has. - It's amazing how time will pass...

- ... when you're having fun. - Having fun?

A ball, a ball- Richard's a wonderful kid.

- Really wonderful kid. - Richard?

Sure, oh, yes, yes. All he needs is a little understanding.

It's amazing how much fun you can have...

...when you understand each other. We're having such a good time...

...I was wondering if he can spend the night. I'd bring-

- Major Nelson. Major Nelson. - Yes, sir.

- Where is he? - Who?

Oh, Richard. I'm sorry. Yes, he's- Well, he's out on the patio...

...assembling some model airplanes.

He didn't smash them?

There were a couple of accidents, not important.

Yes, may I see him now?

- Well, I'd rather you didn't. - Now, major.

Gentlemen.

- Good evening, general. - General.

- How are you, sir? - Evening. How's Gina?

Gina? Oh, wonderful, wonderful kid. Just a charming girl.

Aren't you proud of him, doctor?

I will be as soon as I see my nephew changed into a well-behaved little boy.

- Richard. - Doctor, general.

You don't have to say a word, major.

The evidence will speak for itself.

- intelligent to make a model as beautiful as that.

I didn't make it. I just fixed it.

Most girls would think that's kid stuff.

Oh, no, I think it's wonderful.

You do? Really?

- I'm making... - I don't believe it.

- Gina's talking. - Come over and see it.

I certainly owe you an apology, Major Nelson.

How in the world did you ever do it?

Chapter 13.

May I see you to your car?

Amazing.

- How did you say you did that? - Read the book, sir.

Well, I did, I did.

It all seemed so terribly simple in school.

- Good night, major. Thanks- - Oh, good night.

I- I hope you're happy, master.

Oh, thank you, Jeannie, thank you very much.

There's only one problem.

- What is that, master? - If you used magic on them-

Oh, but I did not. I did not. All I did was bring them together.

And then what happened?

You must read the last chapter, master.

It is about boys and girls.