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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,793 --> 00:00:04,796 ♪ upbeat theme playing ♪ 2 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,300 ♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ 3 00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,179 ♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪ 4 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:19,311 Son, it's never too late in life to learn a new skill. 5 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,313 SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]: Says the woman who still can't whistle. 6 00:00:21,313 --> 00:00:22,814 I can whistle! 7 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,527 [blowing] 8 00:00:29,696 --> 00:00:31,698 SOPHIE'S SON: Please continue the story! 9 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:33,867 With pleasure. 10 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,788 [loud sigh] Hey, guys. 11 00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:40,374 Sweetie, you're drenched in sweat! 12 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,292 Were you chasing down Mr. Softee again? 13 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:43,836 Oh. No. 14 00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:46,338 Photo gig at a kid's birthday in Yonkers. 15 00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,257 I had to take four trains, 16 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:50,801 two cabs, and one very creepy Uber. 17 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:55,305 Look at you. Big round eyes like a sexy owl. 18 00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,640 No! 19 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:58,475 Why don't you just learn to drive? 20 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:01,103 Sophie and I got our learner's permits in college, 21 00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:03,814 but then we realized driving is the worst! 22 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,983 You have to be sober, you can't lie down, 23 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,484 and you have to wear this ugly belt. 24 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,861 SOPHIE: Mm! 25 00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:11,071 Don't even get me started on left turns. 26 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:14,157 What is this world where you just pull into the intersection 27 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:16,827 and trust a stranger is not going to kill you? 28 00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:20,080 What's next? Anyone could just go into a store and purchase a gun? 29 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:22,416 Is no one gonna tell her? 30 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,003 How are two adults not able to drive? 31 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,296 Pretty cocky for a guy 32 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,131 who can't even shave his own face. [shushing] 33 00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:30,841 You swore you wouldn't tell a soul! 34 00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:33,302 It's time people knew. I'm sick of our arrangement! 35 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:36,972 ♪ soft jazz playing ♪ 36 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,308 I grew up with a live-in barber. 37 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,226 I was raised to believe that shaving your own face 38 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,770 is only something men from Essex did. 39 00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,063 Plus, it's scary. 40 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,066 You're a New Yorker now. You gotta toughen up, kid! 41 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:51,278 Oh, says the woman who's too scared to confront her coworker? 42 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,988 I told you about Rhonda in confidence! 43 00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,198 Who's Rhonda? 44 00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:55,282 ♪ 45 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,408 R-Rhonda? 46 00:01:57,743 --> 00:01:59,369 Oh, my bad. 47 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:00,621 Here's a breast. 48 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:05,584 She keeps her dipping sauces on our printer. 49 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:07,544 So, just talk to her. 50 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:10,339 I can't. I'm extremely conflict-averse, 51 00:02:10,339 --> 00:02:12,925 and she's terrifying. She eats the bones. 52 00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:14,218 [scoffs] 53 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,887 At least I'm not a bar owner who can't chug a beer. 54 00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:19,139 That's right. He sips like a simp! 55 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:23,602 Okay, fine. I don't chug. I prefer taking baby sips 56 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:26,438 'cause beer is a little tickly. 57 00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:28,941 Hey, my creepy gym teacher was a little tickly, okay? 58 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,275 Beer is delicious. 59 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,695 Guys, I just had a brilliant idea. 60 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:34,821 Oh, thank God because I thought 61 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,616 we were gonna have to unpack his creepy gym teacher thing. 62 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,744 Back in college, Jesse and I came up with 63 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,746 th-this incredible motivational technique. 64 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:43,789 - Hell yeah. - Right? 65 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,458 - So some people respond to rewards. - Hm... 66 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,961 Others respond to the fear of punishment. 67 00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:49,962 That's right. 68 00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,713 So we combined the two 69 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,967 - to create rewardishments. - Hm... 70 00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:57,177 Say we needed to get some laundry done. 71 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,762 JESSE: We'd give ourselves a deadline, 72 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:01,890 and if we made it, we'd reward ourselves with, say, 73 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:04,268 a nice steak dinner. ♪ soft music ♪ 74 00:03:04,268 --> 00:03:06,854 But, if we didn't, we'd punish ourselves. 75 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:08,981 [sighs] 76 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:11,567 BOTH: Three, two, one. 77 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,527 [zapping] [both screaming] 78 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,571 Hot tip. 79 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:17,531 Always pee before you tase. 80 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,994 I say we give ourselves 48 hours 81 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:23,287 to accomplish our goals. 82 00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,998 If one of us fails, we all get punished. 83 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:29,501 But if we all succeed, we get a sweet, sweet reward. 84 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,880 Ooh! Reward pitch. Have a group sleepover 85 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,048 and put all of our beds together to create 86 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,675 one giant bed. 87 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,510 - Like a mega bed? - You bet your ass! 88 00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,888 - [excited squeal] - Alright, alright. We've got a reward. 89 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,806 Now, the punishment. 90 00:03:44,016 --> 00:03:45,058 I got it! 91 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,020 The nastiest thing... 92 00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:50,272 [dripping] 93 00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,648 in this bar... 94 00:03:53,192 --> 00:03:54,985 is the drink mat. 95 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,320 Full of, uh-huh, 96 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,864 what we in the industry call "the drippings." 97 00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:02,701 All the spillage from all those drinks. 98 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:05,454 So, I'm saying if, 48 hours from now, 99 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:07,831 one of us fails to accomplish our goal, 100 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,250 we each take a shot at the drippings. 101 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,668 [retching] SOPHIE: No! 102 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,170 Okay, we're doing this! 103 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:17,716 Shave, chug, drive, drive, confront Rhonda. 104 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:18,884 Let's go, team! 105 00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,052 Wait, Jesse! 106 00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:22,262 - Yeah? - What is your thing? 107 00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:25,849 My thing? Oh, well, I-I'm terrible at remembering people's goals, 108 00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:28,810 but, hey! I just did it, so that's one down, five to go. 109 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:30,312 Good luck, you guys! 110 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:33,440 [all booing] [sighs] 111 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,691 Alright, fine. 112 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:36,985 There is... 113 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:39,530 one thing I've never been able to accomplish. 114 00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,573 ♪ Sandstorm by Darude playing ♪ 115 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,367 Back in my competitive hooping days, 116 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,536 there was one trick I could never master. 117 00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:48,789 The "vertical lasso catch and release." 118 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,207 [all groan] 119 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,125 It, uh... [video stops] 120 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,628 [emotional]: kept me from going to nationals in Orlando. 121 00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:59,591 Okay. You heard the man. This is his... creepy goal. 122 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,635 Okay. Everybody has their thing. 123 00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:05,305 Rewardishment timer starts... now. [beep] 124 00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:14,147 ♪ 125 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:16,191 Hey, look at you, J-Dog! You're doing your trick. 126 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,193 No, I'm not. This is just regular hooping. 127 00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:19,862 Jesse, we're just trying to be supportive. 128 00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,280 Nobody gets what you're trying to do. 129 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:25,200 I already told you! A vertical lasso catch and release. 130 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,787 The hoop is supposed to dance up my body, like a playful snake, 131 00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:32,124 and then launch into the air, and then I catch it on my leg. 132 00:05:32,124 --> 00:05:34,626 What about this don't you understand? 133 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:35,669 Why you want to do it, 134 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,629 how it fits in with the rest of your personality, 135 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,882 and why you ran out to buy new underwear just for this? 136 00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:43,385 They're not just underwear, okay? Those are regulation satin hula boxers. 137 00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:44,553 Do you want me to get "hoop hip"? 138 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:47,806 No, dude, we want you to do your trick, so we can move on to our stuff. 139 00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,601 ♪ energetic music on radio ♪ 140 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,728 Was that the catch or the release? 141 00:05:53,604 --> 00:05:54,688 ♪ 142 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,987 [puts down glass] [gags] 143 00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,406 You barely consumed a single drop. 144 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,700 There might be more beer in the glass now. 145 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,828 This is supposed to be a safe space. 146 00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:11,413 ♪ 147 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,832 There's really nothing to it. SID: Mm-hmm. 148 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:17,294 Slow and steady. With the grain. 149 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:20,464 Okay. Alright. Here goes nothing. 150 00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,673 Okay. 151 00:06:24,176 --> 00:06:25,385 - Whoa, whoa. Get the-- - Oh, my God. 152 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,137 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Sid! - Okay! Okay! 153 00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:30,098 Whoa, whoa, whoa. You know, hey, m-maybe you're not ready. 154 00:06:30,098 --> 00:06:32,017 ♪ 155 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,061 Rhonda, enough is enough. 156 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:37,064 This is a shared workspace, and I need you to respect that. 157 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,108 Perfect. 158 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,862 Firm, clear, fair. The Ellen way. 159 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,864 - What's the Ellen way? - Oh, my God... 160 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,325 Nothing. I-I'm sorry. 161 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,161 Rhonda, we need to talk. 162 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:52,412 Me first. 163 00:06:55,165 --> 00:06:56,750 I got us an office snake. 164 00:06:57,835 --> 00:06:59,753 Don't mind the smell. 165 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,839 Reptile musk is a defense mechanism, 166 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,924 and my girl is very on edge. 167 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:05,926 ♪ 168 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,262 Jesse, I choked. 169 00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:11,056 I need you to teach me how to express my anger. 170 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:13,225 What makes you think I know how to express my anger? 171 00:07:13,851 --> 00:07:16,603 Damn it, you fickle disgrace of a toy! 172 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,939 You're nothing compared to a jump rope! 173 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,441 You piece of-- Yeah, no, I-I can help you. I think it's... 174 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,361 ♪ 175 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,487 [bell ringing] 176 00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:29,032 Oh, my God. $500 for driving school? 177 00:07:29,408 --> 00:07:31,910 That's like a hundred $5 footlongs! 178 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,455 Wow. I just did that in my head. 179 00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,500 Damn. You're like a Goodwill Hunter. 180 00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:41,879 Doesn't matter. We have to learn how to drive 181 00:07:41,879 --> 00:07:43,297 because we don't wanna drink the drippings. 182 00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:44,298 Hm... 183 00:07:45,549 --> 00:07:47,718 Hi, Sophie and Valentina? 184 00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:49,344 My name is Phyllis. 185 00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:52,472 I've taught 4,000 people how to drive, 186 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,309 including the two Gyllenhaal siblings. 187 00:07:56,894 --> 00:07:59,396 I just need you to pass a little eye exam. 188 00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,064 Uh-huh. 189 00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:03,650 - [quietly]: Whisper the answers to me. - [quietly]: What? Why? 190 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,861 I can't see for shit, okay? Just help me. 191 00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,574 - G. - C! 192 00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,534 G. What are you, deaf, too? 193 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,827 G. 194 00:08:15,078 --> 00:08:16,038 E. 195 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,581 C. 196 00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:19,708 No. E. 197 00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:22,961 Clearly you're cheating. 198 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:25,422 Sophie, I'll go get your enrollment paperwork. 199 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:28,509 Valentina, get your eyes checked. 200 00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:32,054 Wait. You can't see? 201 00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:33,430 It's not that bad! 202 00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:36,433 I can see things up close, just not far away. 203 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,852 Okay, so why don't you wear glasses? 204 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,938 Ew, what am I, a liberal arts professor? 205 00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,774 [sighs] Okay, contacts. 206 00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:44,775 [groans] 207 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:48,278 [childish]: I'm scared of touching my eyes. 208 00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:49,363 ♪ 209 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,281 [normal]: I wanna change my goal. 210 00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,325 I need to learn how to put in contacts. 211 00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,079 I'll allow it. 212 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,582 What is happening here? 213 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:05,254 Well, I decided to practice on a zone where no one would see it if I cut myself. 214 00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:08,257 Absolutely shredded my taint, so... 215 00:09:09,383 --> 00:09:12,386 onto the legs. Right. Okay... 216 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:14,429 [sighs] SOPHIE: Okay. 217 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,017 Oh, my God. [squeals] 218 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,477 Oh, my God, I'm doing it. Look! 219 00:09:20,477 --> 00:09:21,812 I'm shaving! SOPHIE: You are! 220 00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:23,814 I'm like a regular Michael Phelps! 221 00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,524 Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! [screams] 222 00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,568 - Oh shit! Are you okay? - There's a lot of blood! 223 00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,987 Put pressure on it. Put pressure on it! [all yelling] 224 00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:32,573 It's fine. It's fine. Honestly, it's just a little nick. 225 00:09:32,573 --> 00:09:35,742 Oh, my God! I'm gonna die! Oh! Oh, my God! 226 00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:38,537 Sophie, if I die, you can have my garden gnome collection, 227 00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:41,832 but find them a nice place in the sun, would you-- Oh, my God... 228 00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:43,292 Hey! SID: Okay. Okay, that's enough! 229 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,169 That's enough! I'm taking you to the hospital, okay!? 230 00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:47,296 - Oh! My-- [retches] - Put-- 231 00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:49,590 Just keep pressure on it! You're really bleeding, dude! 232 00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:50,757 Jesus Christ... 233 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:52,092 [Charlie yelling] 234 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,719 CHARLIE: Oh! Careful with my taint! Ah! 235 00:09:58,974 --> 00:10:02,811 S-so I told the kidnapper that you can carve me up all you want. 236 00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:05,314 Just, just let the girl go. 237 00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:07,357 I know you cut yourself shaving. 238 00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,485 Hey. You're a nurse. 239 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:11,612 What gave it away? 240 00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,449 Well, I'm pretty sure I have this medical condition 241 00:10:15,449 --> 00:10:18,202 that prevents me from chugging beer. Do you know what it's called? 242 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,829 I saw two patients die this morning. 243 00:10:22,039 --> 00:10:23,332 From what I have? 244 00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:29,922 Dude, this sucks! We're gonna have to drink all the drippings, 245 00:10:29,922 --> 00:10:31,173 and it's gonna be my fault. 246 00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:33,342 No, it won't. It'll be mine. 247 00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:36,053 I mean, I'm way too scared to try shaving myself again. 248 00:10:36,512 --> 00:10:39,223 If only there was another way I could practice. 249 00:10:39,223 --> 00:10:42,142 NURSE: Someone will be right in to shave you for surgery, Mr. Smithyman. 250 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:47,397 ♪ 251 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,566 Okay. I'll be Rhonda, and you just be you. 252 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,610 And just tell me how you feel about me, alright? Let 'er rip. 253 00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,487 Okay. It's about to rip. 254 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:54,905 Here we go. 255 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,698 [high-pitched]: Hey, Ellen. It's me, Rhonda. 256 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,909 I'm a big old jerk who likes chicken, 257 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:01,161 but not jerk chicken. Just chicken-chicken! 258 00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,287 I can't rip to this. 259 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,291 Y-you sound like Julia Child. 260 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,001 Also, the vibe in here is nothing like my office. 261 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,044 Okay, just focus, alright? 262 00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,713 W-we're not in my apartment. We're in your office. 263 00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,299 [oven dings] My pizza bagel's ready. 264 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:16,593 [high-pitched]: I mean, my chicken bagel's ready. 265 00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:21,223 [whistling] 266 00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,392 Good day! 267 00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,726 Ready for your shave? 268 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,228 Ready as I'll ever be. 269 00:11:26,228 --> 00:11:28,605 [nervous laugh] Oh, yeah. I feel you there. 270 00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,649 Right. 271 00:11:31,441 --> 00:11:32,609 [exhales] 272 00:11:35,153 --> 00:11:36,697 Hey... 273 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,448 Hey, look at this. I'm doing it. 274 00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,659 - What? - What? 275 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,537 ♪ 276 00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,080 Cross me off the list. 277 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,124 I am a shaver! 278 00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:50,335 A celebratory drink to celebrate my smooth face, 279 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,546 and Mr. Smithyman's successful triple bypass. 280 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:55,090 Am I touching my eye? 281 00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,884 No. [Valentina whining] 282 00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,928 Someone come help push the back of my neck! 283 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,432 To my success, 284 00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:06,894 and to being one step closer to mega-bed. 285 00:12:09,188 --> 00:12:10,689 Ah! 286 00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:12,983 Spicy! Spicy? 287 00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,651 Why is champagne spicy? 288 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,196 [singing quietly]: ♪ Squeezing peppers is such fun ♪ 289 00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:19,698 ♪ Squeezing peppers to burn Sid's tongue ♪ 290 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,701 - Ooh. Oh man! - Look at that. We haven't got any water. 291 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,912 We've only got this pint of beer. 292 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,081 Mm... Mm... 293 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,421 Ah... 294 00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,176 I did it. 295 00:12:39,176 --> 00:12:40,677 I just chugged a beer! 296 00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:44,723 And I'm keeping it down! Okay, thank you, Charlie! 297 00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:46,975 I always knew there was a chugger inside of you, 298 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,644 just waiting to chug. 299 00:12:49,228 --> 00:12:50,771 Hey, look at that! I did me. 300 00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:53,190 I did Sid. Valentina... 301 00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:56,610 Why don't I put the contact in your eye to show you that it's no big deal? 302 00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,487 Hit me. 303 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:05,327 Ow! Ow, ow, ow! My eye is burning! What the hell is happening? 304 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:08,413 [nervous laugh] Probably had a bit of residual pepper juice on my fingers-- 305 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,249 I need to go to a hospital! 306 00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:11,583 SID: Okay! Hospital! 307 00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,627 - Ow! Ow! - This way. This way. 308 00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,630 - CHARLIE: There we go! - Here we go! Here we go! 309 00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:17,631 ♪ 310 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,217 You're doing great, sweetheart. 311 00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,094 Thank you! 312 00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:25,055 I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little distracted by the students in the back. 313 00:13:26,056 --> 00:13:28,642 [sighs] Okay, make a left here. 314 00:13:28,642 --> 00:13:31,603 Actually, can we do left turns last? 315 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,772 I'm more of a "three rights" kind of gal. 316 00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:37,234 Hey! This is driving school, not... 317 00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:40,320 "bump and grind" academy! Now, quit it! 318 00:13:41,363 --> 00:13:42,781 [sighs, gasps] 319 00:13:43,532 --> 00:13:44,992 [gasping] 320 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,160 I think I'm having a heart attack! 321 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,163 Can a single woman have a widow-maker? 322 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:53,417 Oh, my God! Oh God! Okay. Oh, my God. 323 00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:55,711 You're gonna be okay. You're... 324 00:13:55,711 --> 00:13:58,172 Oh, snap. She's, like, dying. 325 00:13:58,172 --> 00:13:59,798 [panting] 326 00:13:59,798 --> 00:14:02,050 Th-there's a hospital right up here. 327 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,594 Y-you should make a left. 328 00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:05,387 D-do we have time for three rights? 329 00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,056 Left! [screaming] 330 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:11,977 Make a left! Make a left! [whimpering, screaming] 331 00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:14,396 Okay, we're here. Let's Rhonda you up. 332 00:14:14,396 --> 00:14:15,480 What does that mean? 333 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:18,066 Put on her blazer, 334 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,568 and, uh-- Ooh! 335 00:14:19,568 --> 00:14:20,777 Okay. 336 00:14:22,154 --> 00:14:23,572 - [humming] - Pretty weird. 337 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:24,823 ELLEN: Mm... 338 00:14:24,823 --> 00:14:25,741 Bingo. 339 00:14:25,741 --> 00:14:26,825 [high-pitched]: Ellen! 340 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,785 A little lower, like... Ellen. 341 00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:32,122 - [lower]: Ellen. - That's too low. Ellen. 342 00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:33,498 - Ellen? - That's perfect! 343 00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:35,375 Ah! 344 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:37,669 What are you doing here? 345 00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:40,547 I came to feed my snake. Why is that man wearing my clothes? 346 00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:43,008 Where's Sonna Plane? 347 00:14:43,008 --> 00:14:45,511 - She's out of her terrarium! - We don't know! 348 00:14:45,511 --> 00:14:46,762 Wait, is there a snake on the loose? 349 00:14:46,762 --> 00:14:48,972 Why did you name your snake Sonna Plane? 350 00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:50,557 Oh. [laughs] 351 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,476 I see what you did there, Rhonda. It's-- Ah! 352 00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:54,853 ♪ 353 00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,481 Oh! M-my brother got bit by a snake! 354 00:14:57,481 --> 00:14:59,358 I also have a mole I'd like to have checked. 355 00:15:00,442 --> 00:15:02,069 - Okay. - Guys, what are you doing here? 356 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,863 Wait, Sophie? Why are you here? 357 00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,574 My driving instructor had a heart attack! 358 00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:10,494 Um, your friend choked and couldn't make a left turn, 359 00:15:10,494 --> 00:15:13,497 - so I had to drive her to the hospital. - It was so hot. 360 00:15:15,290 --> 00:15:17,292 Hickey for the hero? [giggles] 361 00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,295 You really need to grow up. 362 00:15:21,255 --> 00:15:24,299 ♪ 363 00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,137 ♪ 364 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:32,140 We're gonna have to wash your eye in a variety of liquids. 365 00:15:32,140 --> 00:15:34,351 You're gonna need three washes, six drops, 366 00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,144 cold gel, warm gel, 367 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,896 then back to two more washes, 368 00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:40,649 probably another gel, 369 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,860 we're gonna go for about four more drops, and then... 370 00:15:42,860 --> 00:15:45,028 ♪ 371 00:15:46,405 --> 00:15:48,574 Contacts have made contact. 372 00:15:48,574 --> 00:15:50,242 Hoo, after what my eyes have been through today, 373 00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:51,618 there's nothing they can't handle. 374 00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:54,913 That's what you guys look like? 375 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,666 Wow. Most of you look pretty good. 376 00:15:58,333 --> 00:15:59,668 Cross my name off, too! 377 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,795 - Wait, you told off Rhonda? - Oh, yeah. 378 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,547 Somebody suck the poison out! 379 00:16:03,547 --> 00:16:06,466 There's no poison. I had her poison bags removed. 380 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,177 Your father's being a real sissy. 381 00:16:08,177 --> 00:16:10,304 Did she say "father"? 382 00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:12,014 You know what, Rhonda? Enough. 383 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:15,684 You can crowd my workspace and stink up this office with chicken, 384 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:17,686 but you do not mess with Jesse. 385 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,396 Jesse, I'm doing it! I'm telling her off! 386 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,565 So proud of you. Can we please go to the hospital now? 387 00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:22,566 ELLEN: Oh! 388 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,320 And then, I was like, "Take that, bitch!" 389 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,114 But, I-I kept that inside 390 00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:31,408 because I would never say bitch. 391 00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:35,037 Well, only a few hours before midnight, 392 00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:36,830 and we still have two people on the board. 393 00:16:37,456 --> 00:16:40,250 - You want me to teach you how to drive? - Fine. 394 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,836 But you have to let me teach you how to hula hoop. 395 00:16:43,378 --> 00:16:46,131 - You spin? - No, of course not. 396 00:16:46,131 --> 00:16:48,383 ♪ 397 00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:50,761 [gentle voice]: Okay, now that the car's in drive, 398 00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:53,222 you're going to slowly lift your foot off the brake 399 00:16:53,222 --> 00:16:56,600 and very gently apply that same foot to the gas pedal. 400 00:16:57,476 --> 00:17:00,646 Very good. Well done. 401 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:04,858 I've never heard you speak in this weird, gentle voice before. 402 00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:06,652 Oh yeah, it's my elementary school teacher voice. 403 00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:08,612 It's how I talk to keep the kids from peeing themselves 404 00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:10,447 when I take their smartphones away. 405 00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,535 There is absolutely no pressure, okay? But, 406 00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,954 - we've got a left-hand turn coming up. - Oh... 407 00:17:16,954 --> 00:17:19,915 So, we're just going to turn on your blinker 408 00:17:19,915 --> 00:17:21,959 - and get into the left lane... - [sighs] Okay. 409 00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,837 - [whining] - ...out into the intersection. 410 00:17:24,837 --> 00:17:27,005 [yelling whine] Coast is clear... 411 00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:29,216 [blinker clicking] 412 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,093 Ah! I'm doing it! 413 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:32,970 - I'm turning left! - Mm-hmm. 414 00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:35,848 [laughing] Check this out! 415 00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:38,016 - And another left! - Mm-hmm. 416 00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:40,519 [laughs] And another left! 417 00:17:41,812 --> 00:17:44,356 Ha! [gasps] I'm a professional driver. 418 00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:46,233 One-way street! [screaming] 419 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,527 [cars honking] [gasping] 420 00:17:48,527 --> 00:17:51,154 Ho... [Jesse panting] 421 00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:53,198 [sighs] 422 00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:54,408 Why don't we celebrate, huh? 423 00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:57,452 I just learned how to drive. I don't think I should be boozing. 424 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,330 But if you wanna be the designated driver... 425 00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:03,834 Well, that's sparkling cider, but I appreciate how responsible you are. 426 00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:05,836 Ah. Aw... 427 00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,046 ♪ 428 00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:09,798 We're almost out of time. 429 00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:11,717 You gonna practice your hoop trick or what? 430 00:18:11,717 --> 00:18:13,886 Mm. Yeah, I'm not gonna be able to do it. 431 00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:16,305 - You don't know that. - Yeah, I do. 432 00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:17,973 It-it's a mental thing. 433 00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:20,517 I mean, the truth is, I actually could do the vertical lasso for a while, 434 00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:21,894 and then I just lost it. 435 00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:24,897 Remember that video I showed you, the moment where I dropped the hoop? 436 00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:27,858 That's 'cause I just realized that my mom hadn't shown up. 437 00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,986 She was supposed to fly in from Iowa, and she flaked, and I don't know. 438 00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:33,780 There's something about not having a single family member 439 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,782 in the audience to support me, you know? 440 00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,161 - Oh. - Yeah. 441 00:18:40,913 --> 00:18:42,164 Oy... 442 00:18:43,415 --> 00:18:44,625 So, what... 443 00:18:44,625 --> 00:18:48,587 What does a perfect vertical lasso catch and release... 444 00:18:48,587 --> 00:18:50,631 - Yeah. - ...[laughs] even look like? 445 00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:52,132 It truly does not matter. 446 00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,134 Come on. Show me. 447 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:57,679 Okay. Okay. Here. 448 00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:00,682 Alright, well... 449 00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,559 [clears throat] here's a video 450 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:05,062 of my favorite hooper doing it. 451 00:19:06,438 --> 00:19:08,148 Shut up. She was a legend, alright? 452 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:10,067 I used to have her posters all over my room as a kid. 453 00:19:10,067 --> 00:19:11,944 - Oh, I bet you did. - Mm-hmm. 454 00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:13,362 [giggles] 455 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,156 Oh, my God. [gasps] 456 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:18,867 She's pure magic. 457 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,539 I love that you're so into this. 458 00:19:23,539 --> 00:19:24,540 [laughs] 459 00:19:27,918 --> 00:19:28,919 [phone dings] 460 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,839 Ooh, look at that. You... 461 00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:34,424 - matched with Dana. - [laughs] Uh, yeah. 462 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:35,926 I'm sorry. That wasn't, uh... 463 00:19:35,926 --> 00:19:37,636 Oh. No. Why are you sorry? 464 00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:41,014 I don't know. Um, I'm not, I guess? 465 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,725 I didn't know that you were back on the apps. 466 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,769 Yeah. I was-- I mean, it's all very new, you know? 467 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,604 I just figured it's been a while since Meredith, so... 468 00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:48,856 Oh, totally. 469 00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:51,066 I think it's great. 470 00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:53,193 Cool. Thanks. 471 00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:56,071 - We should get back. - Yeah. 472 00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:57,322 Oh! 473 00:19:58,031 --> 00:19:59,324 I know that I can drive now, 474 00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:01,827 but I will not be your personal chauffeur. 475 00:20:01,827 --> 00:20:04,204 Ho ho! Excuse me. Okay. 476 00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,330 She can drive! 477 00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:07,624 Cross her name off the list! [all cheering] 478 00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:09,877 And my vertical lasso catch and release... 479 00:20:10,669 --> 00:20:11,753 isn't gonna happen. 480 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:14,131 Why would you say it like that? 481 00:20:14,131 --> 00:20:17,009 Sorry, guys. I'll do the honors of lining up the drippings. 482 00:20:17,009 --> 00:20:19,511 Seriously? You're not even gonna try? 483 00:20:20,304 --> 00:20:22,556 You said you couldn't do it without family... 484 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:26,268 Is there more to that? 485 00:20:26,852 --> 00:20:30,606 I was gonna say that we're your family, but then that felt so corny, so I bailed. 486 00:20:30,606 --> 00:20:32,441 But we're almost out of time, so just try it! 487 00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:36,236 Screw it. Charlie! Assemble my collapsible hoop! 488 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,238 - [Sophie clapping] - Oh, I thought you'd never ask. 489 00:20:39,907 --> 00:20:43,785 Sis! Put on Darude's 1999 EDM hit Sandstorm. 490 00:20:43,785 --> 00:20:45,412 Just look it up. 491 00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,999 [song starts playing] SID: Oh! 492 00:20:48,999 --> 00:20:51,168 [encouraging chatter] Uh-oh! 493 00:20:51,168 --> 00:20:53,003 Yeah, get it, baby! 494 00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:57,883 - Oh! - Jesse! Jesse! Jesse! Yeah! 495 00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,637 Uh-oh! Oh! Oh! 496 00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:05,182 [cheering] 497 00:21:05,182 --> 00:21:06,975 [slow motion whooshing] 498 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:10,479 ♪ inspirational synth music ♪ 499 00:21:12,147 --> 00:21:15,526 [slow motion whooshing] 500 00:21:15,526 --> 00:21:17,402 [slow motion screaming] 501 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:19,696 [screaming] [all cheering] 502 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,323 ♪ Sandstorm continues ♪ 503 00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:22,783 Yes! Yes! 504 00:21:22,783 --> 00:21:24,159 Yeah! 505 00:21:24,159 --> 00:21:25,911 - [all cheering] - Guys... 506 00:21:26,787 --> 00:21:29,831 It's 10 minutes past the deadline. We didn't make the cut. 507 00:21:29,831 --> 00:21:31,083 - [hoop drops] - What? 508 00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,669 No, it's good enough! We... 509 00:21:33,669 --> 00:21:35,796 We were so close. It's good enough! 510 00:21:35,796 --> 00:21:36,797 No! 511 00:21:38,131 --> 00:21:39,341 Them's the rules. 512 00:21:40,509 --> 00:21:42,886 We've gotta drink the drippings. 513 00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:44,012 ♪ 514 00:21:44,012 --> 00:21:48,016 [all groaning] 515 00:21:48,016 --> 00:21:49,142 [retching] 516 00:21:49,142 --> 00:21:52,896 ♪ How Dare You Want More by Bleachers playing ♪ 517 00:21:52,896 --> 00:21:54,147 [shudders] 518 00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:56,775 And that's how I learned to drive. 519 00:21:56,775 --> 00:22:00,195 And how we all got bacterial meningitis. 520 00:22:00,988 --> 00:22:02,406 ♪ How dare you want more ♪ 521 00:22:03,824 --> 00:22:05,450 ♪ How dare you want more ♪ 522 00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:08,453 ♪ Preacher preacher's calling from the floor ♪ 523 00:22:13,750 --> 00:22:16,712 ♪ Man of secrets, two lives that he's been living ♪ 524 00:22:16,712 --> 00:22:19,298 ♪ Stolen identity, stolen dreaming ♪ 525 00:22:19,298 --> 00:22:22,384 ♪ Who is he if he just go and tell it like it is? ♪ 526 00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:25,429 ♪ I'll bet he's dying to know, but how dare you want more ♪ 527 00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:28,265 ♪ How dare you want more ♪ 528 00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:31,935 ♪ Preacher preacher calling from the floor ♪ 529 00:22:31,935 --> 00:22:36,565 ♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey... ♪ 530 00:22:36,615 --> 00:22:41,165 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38730

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