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1
00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:05,129
? ?
2
00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:09,651
Well, should we
say prayers first?
3
00:00:10,654 --> 00:00:12,487
(laughter)
4
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,472
(laughs): Can you imagine?
5
00:00:14,566 --> 00:00:15,732
What a bunch of losers.
6
00:00:15,826 --> 00:00:18,552
Oh, sometimes I like
the kind of trash we are.
7
00:00:18,554 --> 00:00:20,236
So, how'd everyone sleep?
8
00:00:20,331 --> 00:00:21,331
- Fine.
- Good.
9
00:00:21,557 --> 00:00:24,074
Not good. I heard Meg
having a one-some.
10
00:00:24,168 --> 00:00:26,910
Oh, I had the most random dream.
11
00:00:27,004 --> 00:00:28,170
Peter, you were there.
12
00:00:28,397 --> 00:00:29,632
- Uh-huh.
- We were at home.
13
00:00:29,656 --> 00:00:30,839
Except in my dream...
14
00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:32,749
Oh, Brian, wait,
you got to hear this.
15
00:00:32,901 --> 00:00:34,734
Our house looked
like Grandma's house,
16
00:00:34,753 --> 00:00:36,633
and for some reason,
I was in my underwear,
17
00:00:36,738 --> 00:00:38,238
shaking a big bag of kibble.
18
00:00:38,256 --> 00:00:41,016
Meg, you spilled
Doritos on the carpet,
19
00:00:41,093 --> 00:00:42,909
and I was trying
to vacuum them up,
20
00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:46,262
but the vacuum had hair
all over it for some reason.
21
00:00:46,415 --> 00:00:47,597
Imagine that.
22
00:00:47,749 --> 00:00:50,007
And, Chris, you
were wearing a tie
23
00:00:50,102 --> 00:00:52,435
'cause you had an
interview at the brewery,
24
00:00:52,588 --> 00:00:53,845
if you can believe it.
25
00:00:53,922 --> 00:00:55,088
(chuckles)
26
00:00:55,181 --> 00:00:57,348
Well, that is one crazy dream.
27
00:00:57,368 --> 00:00:59,442
LOIS: That's not
even the crazy part.
28
00:00:59,595 --> 00:01:02,278
- (crunching) - Brian, I
asked you to drive him,
29
00:01:02,431 --> 00:01:04,931
but you kept saying
your car was in Nevada.
30
00:01:04,950 --> 00:01:07,024
Wow, that is nuts.
31
00:01:07,044 --> 00:01:09,285
- (whispers): Stewie!
- (grunting)
32
00:01:09,438 --> 00:01:10,954
Ah, screw it.
33
00:01:11,106 --> 00:01:13,940
(crackling, zapping)
34
00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:15,291
(people screaming)
35
00:01:15,444 --> 00:01:17,344
- Whew.
- Oh, thank God.
36
00:01:20,039 --> 00:01:21,873
(shivers) This is still better.
37
00:01:21,967 --> 00:01:23,299
S-S-Still better.
38
00:01:23,468 --> 00:01:24,784
S-Still so much better.
39
00:01:24,803 --> 00:01:27,470
And, Peter, you wanted
to go swimming in our pool,
40
00:01:27,623 --> 00:01:29,789
- which of course we don't have.
- Uh-huh.
41
00:01:29,791 --> 00:01:32,550
LOIS: You had this
ridiculously giant towel.
42
00:01:32,569 --> 00:01:33,569
Uh-huh.
43
00:01:33,645 --> 00:01:35,962
Oh, and get this:
it had Nemo on it.
44
00:01:36,055 --> 00:01:38,481
Oh, boy, that-that is,
that is some dream.
45
00:01:38,634 --> 00:01:40,409
(cell phone ringing)
46
00:01:40,485 --> 00:01:42,911
LOIS: And he was
wearing giant sunglasses.
47
00:01:43,138 --> 00:01:44,228
Uh-huh.
48
00:01:44,248 --> 00:01:46,397
Poor bastard's stuck
hearing a wife dream.
49
00:01:46,417 --> 00:01:48,808
Yeah, I kept telling you
to pick it up, pick it up,
50
00:01:48,827 --> 00:01:50,810
but there was
cotton in my mouth.
51
00:01:50,829 --> 00:01:51,829
Oh, my goodness.
52
00:01:51,922 --> 00:01:53,571
My uncle died this way.
53
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:55,718
LOIS: Oh, and we had
cats for some reason.
54
00:01:55,742 --> 00:01:56,925
Uh-huh.
55
00:01:57,152 --> 00:02:00,077
Uhp, I backed up all the
way into the show before us.
56
00:02:00,155 --> 00:02:01,655
Wife talking about her dream.
57
00:02:01,673 --> 00:02:03,473
Homer, you've got company.
58
00:02:05,269 --> 00:02:07,010
Why are there
two sets of prices?
59
00:02:07,104 --> 00:02:09,104
One's the Emmy-winner discount.
60
00:02:09,255 --> 00:02:10,922
Ah.
61
00:02:11,016 --> 00:02:12,849
Black coffee and toast, please.
62
00:02:13,001 --> 00:02:16,836
? It seems today
that all you see ?
63
00:02:16,855 --> 00:02:20,115
? Is violence in
movies and sex on TV ?
64
00:02:20,342 --> 00:02:23,267
? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?
65
00:02:23,361 --> 00:02:26,437
? On which we used to rely? ?
66
00:02:26,457 --> 00:02:29,958
? Lucky there's a family guy ?
67
00:02:30,109 --> 00:02:33,462
? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?
68
00:02:33,613 --> 00:02:35,130
? All the things that make us ?
69
00:02:35,207 --> 00:02:36,539
? Laugh and cry ?
70
00:02:36,692 --> 00:02:42,387
? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?
71
00:02:43,140 --> 00:02:45,348
? ?
72
00:02:48,370 --> 00:02:50,887
Oh, so wonderful to see you all.
73
00:02:51,039 --> 00:02:53,148
The kids are getting so big.
74
00:02:53,317 --> 00:02:54,891
Especially Chris.
75
00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:56,634
Is he diabetic?
76
00:02:56,728 --> 00:02:59,229
We don't see doctors,
but we're pretty sure.
77
00:02:59,323 --> 00:03:00,638
May I take your order?
78
00:03:00,732 --> 00:03:02,732
Crayons and a silly map, please.
79
00:03:02,884 --> 00:03:04,326
Excellent choice.
80
00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:05,913
ANNOUNCER: We
interrupt this program
81
00:03:05,937 --> 00:03:08,054
for a Channel
Five special report.
82
00:03:08,073 --> 00:03:09,164
Good evening, Quahog.
83
00:03:09,315 --> 00:03:11,315
The Exxon
Pewterschmidt has crashed
84
00:03:11,335 --> 00:03:13,226
and released millions
of gallons of oil
85
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:16,004
into the Gulf of Mexico,
contaminating marine life
86
00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:18,898
and causing irreparable
damage to the ecosystem.
87
00:03:18,917 --> 00:03:21,676
Two anonymous
whistleblowers blame negligence.
88
00:03:21,828 --> 00:03:24,420
They cut corners left and
right. This was inevitable.
89
00:03:24,573 --> 00:03:26,589
What happened to the
oil-covered little crab?
90
00:03:26,742 --> 00:03:28,666
He, uh, he-he had to leave.
91
00:03:28,685 --> 00:03:31,411
- Did you eat the little crab?
- They cut a lot of corners!
92
00:03:31,504 --> 00:03:33,763
Oh, my God, those poor fish.
93
00:03:33,857 --> 00:03:35,190
They're in water.
94
00:03:35,359 --> 00:03:37,378
If they can't get clean in
water, where can they get clean?
95
00:03:37,402 --> 00:03:39,085
This is serious, Daddy.
96
00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,511
Sweetie, if it was so serious,
97
00:03:40,531 --> 00:03:43,532
we'd flip to me in a
boardroom with a crisis team.
98
00:03:45,685 --> 00:03:47,427
Ah, I didn't grab my drink.
99
00:03:47,429 --> 00:03:49,262
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
it's imperative
100
00:03:49,281 --> 00:03:52,874
we do immediate damage
control, or your stock will plummet.
101
00:03:54,102 --> 00:03:54,951
See what I'm doing here?
102
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:57,045
The "throw the
money at it" gesture.
103
00:03:57,196 --> 00:03:58,691
Pay someone to
do something worse
104
00:03:58,715 --> 00:04:00,290
so everyone forgets my thing.
105
00:04:00,384 --> 00:04:01,384
Cue the video.
106
00:04:01,552 --> 00:04:04,702
(film whirring, beeping)
107
00:04:04,721 --> 00:04:06,471
? ?
108
00:04:07,616 --> 00:04:09,707
Hi. I'm Joseph Hazelwood,
109
00:04:09,785 --> 00:04:12,468
former captain of
the Exxon Valdez
110
00:04:12,621 --> 00:04:16,456
and 1987 Anchorage
Ballroom Dance Champion.
111
00:04:16,474 --> 00:04:17,957
That gets a little overshadowed,
112
00:04:18,051 --> 00:04:20,569
but it doesn't diminish
the accomplishment.
113
00:04:20,645 --> 00:04:23,071
Anyway, as someone
who single-handedly spilled
114
00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:27,075
11 million gallons of oil into
the Prince William Sound,
115
00:04:27,152 --> 00:04:30,637
I know a thing or two
about evading responsibility.
116
00:04:30,806 --> 00:04:33,230
Just find a scapegoat
to blame it on.
117
00:04:33,308 --> 00:04:35,232
The number two
man in the company
118
00:04:35,310 --> 00:04:36,901
or a relative.
119
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,661
Perhaps a son-in-law.
120
00:04:38,814 --> 00:04:42,424
A simpleton to blame things on.
121
00:04:47,505 --> 00:04:48,763
Ow!
122
00:04:48,915 --> 00:04:50,006
Ah!
123
00:04:50,158 --> 00:04:52,325
There's some
kind of force field.
124
00:04:52,344 --> 00:04:54,344
Ah! Ah!
125
00:04:54,496 --> 00:04:57,163
Daddy, you are not
blaming this on Peter.
126
00:04:57,182 --> 00:04:58,998
Some other options
are a donation
127
00:04:59,092 --> 00:05:00,683
and a photo op at an orphanage.
128
00:05:00,777 --> 00:05:02,852
Or building a
Holocaust memorial.
129
00:05:03,004 --> 00:05:06,072
Ugh, haven't those Nazis
been praised enough?
130
00:05:11,012 --> 00:05:12,770
Hello, hello.
131
00:05:12,864 --> 00:05:15,531
Welcome to Our Lady
of the Immaculate Anus.
132
00:05:15,626 --> 00:05:17,350
I think that word is "Agnes."
133
00:05:17,369 --> 00:05:18,518
Oh, no.
134
00:05:18,611 --> 00:05:20,870
That's the only reason
I volunteered here.
135
00:05:21,022 --> 00:05:23,373
I need a photo with an
orphan. Are you in charge?
136
00:05:23,467 --> 00:05:26,468
Oh, no, I just
volunteers on weekends.
137
00:05:26,619 --> 00:05:29,045
I love kids, and I'm
an expert at going,
138
00:05:29,197 --> 00:05:31,381
"Tsk, tsk, tsk."
139
00:05:31,475 --> 00:05:33,290
Uh, that one looks
the least filthy.
140
00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:36,719
Okay, let's get a picture
so I can get out of here.
141
00:05:36,872 --> 00:05:38,952
I bet you're only here
'cause you did something bad
142
00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,185
and think a photo
with an orphan will fix it.
143
00:05:41,209 --> 00:05:42,375
Well, duh.
144
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,153
Then if you want a photo,
you have to buy me candy.
145
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,155
I'm not buying you
candy. Go to hell.
146
00:05:47,382 --> 00:05:50,141
There's plenty of
other CEOs who will.
147
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,326
And Andrew Cuomo.
148
00:05:51,477 --> 00:05:53,887
Who wants to see
my nipple rings?
149
00:05:53,905 --> 00:05:57,573
Now bring that face over
here for an unwanted smooch.
150
00:05:57,726 --> 00:06:00,226
Okay, fine. We'll go
across the street to Rexall's
151
00:06:00,245 --> 00:06:01,986
and get some menthol jellies.
152
00:06:02,005 --> 00:06:03,320
You like menthol jellies?
153
00:06:03,489 --> 00:06:06,424
Oh, what am I saying?
Every kid loves menthol jellies.
154
00:06:07,493 --> 00:06:09,827
What's going on? Do
you have Parkinson's?
155
00:06:09,921 --> 00:06:11,404
No, I'm skipping.
156
00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:13,998
Skipping? Never heard of it.
157
00:06:14,092 --> 00:06:15,833
Hey, how many of these
orphans are really just
158
00:06:15,852 --> 00:06:18,077
adult little people
hiding from the law?
159
00:06:18,096 --> 00:06:21,005
Just the ones in large
bonnets smoking cigars.
160
00:06:21,024 --> 00:06:24,250
My people groped Judy
Garland something awful.
161
00:06:24,269 --> 00:06:25,568
Look it up.
162
00:06:28,606 --> 00:06:31,274
Kind of a dick move
to open a candy store
163
00:06:31,426 --> 00:06:33,493
across the street
from an orphanage.
164
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:37,591
Sorry, we have to
hold an adult's hand
165
00:06:37,615 --> 00:06:38,948
when we cross the street.
166
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,100
No, it's fine.
167
00:06:40,268 --> 00:06:41,988
I just can't remember
the last time
168
00:06:42,103 --> 00:06:44,028
someone held my hand.
169
00:06:44,105 --> 00:06:45,696
It's kind of nice.
170
00:06:45,716 --> 00:06:47,882
So, what happened
to your parents?
171
00:06:48,034 --> 00:06:50,552
They left me on the
orphanage steps as a baby.
172
00:06:50,703 --> 00:06:54,130
That should be funny to me,
but for some reason, it's not.
173
00:06:54,224 --> 00:06:56,132
Well, thank you for the candy.
174
00:06:56,284 --> 00:06:57,726
I actually enjoyed it.
175
00:06:57,877 --> 00:06:59,710
You're good company.
176
00:06:59,730 --> 00:07:02,355
? ?
177
00:07:08,739 --> 00:07:11,130
You know, this
is a crazy thought,
178
00:07:11,224 --> 00:07:13,299
but you're crammed
in this filthy place
179
00:07:13,318 --> 00:07:14,892
while I've got a gigantic house.
180
00:07:14,911 --> 00:07:17,303
- Why don't you come live with me?
- Really?
181
00:07:17,322 --> 00:07:18,821
Yeah. I could buy you.
182
00:07:18,974 --> 00:07:21,324
- You mean adopt?
- Oh, whatever they call it.
183
00:07:21,418 --> 00:07:22,895
It'll be nice to
have you around.
184
00:07:22,919 --> 00:07:25,569
Why, we'll make a better
team than the Brooks Brothers.
185
00:07:25,589 --> 00:07:27,922
Hey, I can make boxy suits.
186
00:07:28,074 --> 00:07:29,424
And I only know lacrosse guys.
187
00:07:29,651 --> 00:07:30,811
ANNOUNCER: Brooks Brothers:
188
00:07:30,835 --> 00:07:33,428
look sharp at your
sexual assault trial.
189
00:07:33,579 --> 00:07:35,505
What do you say? Want
to come live with us?
190
00:07:35,657 --> 00:07:37,657
Well, I've never had
a parent to tell me
191
00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:40,417
not to go home with
strangers, so sure.
192
00:07:40,470 --> 00:07:42,064
Great, why don't
you go wait in the car.
193
00:07:42,088 --> 00:07:43,975
I'm just gonna get a
receipt in case we get home
194
00:07:43,999 --> 00:07:45,923
and you have a
clubfoot or something.
195
00:07:45,942 --> 00:07:47,500
- I don't.
- Uh, yeah,
196
00:07:47,519 --> 00:07:49,402
I'll-I'll probably just
grab the receipt.
197
00:07:53,933 --> 00:07:55,450
? ?
198
00:07:56,787 --> 00:07:59,345
For our top story tonight,
we go to the statehouse
199
00:07:59,438 --> 00:08:01,198
with Uncomfortable
Audio Delay Gina.
200
00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:02,540
Gina?
201
00:08:07,964 --> 00:08:10,373
- We seem to be having a prob...
- That's right, Tom.
202
00:08:10,467 --> 00:08:13,543
I just found out my
father adopted a little girl.
203
00:08:13,695 --> 00:08:15,361
- Carter?
- Yeah, if he wanted a little girl,
204
00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:16,932
we could've just
given him Stewie.
205
00:08:16,956 --> 00:08:19,382
Whoa! And good
morning to you, too, Pop.
206
00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:20,716
I just don't get it.
207
00:08:20,869 --> 00:08:23,478
I mean, Daddy's never
taken an interest in kids.
208
00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:26,797
Can anyone say "tax deduction"?
209
00:08:26,891 --> 00:08:29,225
(slurping)
210
00:08:29,377 --> 00:08:30,467
Yeah, you proud of that?
211
00:08:30,487 --> 00:08:31,969
You proud of your
comment, Brian?
212
00:08:31,988 --> 00:08:33,470
Taking aim at hypocrisy?
213
00:08:33,565 --> 00:08:35,639
Exposing the underbelly
of human nature?
214
00:08:35,733 --> 00:08:37,383
- Uhp, I said "belly."
- BRIAN: Belly?!
215
00:08:37,402 --> 00:08:39,402
Ugh, fine.
216
00:08:39,571 --> 00:08:41,571
- (panting) - There
we go, kick the leg.
217
00:08:41,665 --> 00:08:43,505
That's how I know
you're having a good time.
218
00:08:43,558 --> 00:08:44,999
I just don't get it.
219
00:08:45,151 --> 00:08:46,409
I was raised by our nanny.
220
00:08:46,578 --> 00:08:49,170
I mean, Daddy didn't even
learn my name until I was eight.
221
00:08:49,339 --> 00:08:50,730
Well, what was it?
222
00:08:50,748 --> 00:08:53,566
- Lois.
- Oh.
223
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:56,160
Every birthday, I begged
him to take me to the zoo,
224
00:08:56,254 --> 00:08:58,346
and Mother made him take me.
225
00:08:58,573 --> 00:09:00,014
But it was the '80s.
226
00:09:00,241 --> 00:09:02,241
Daddy was always too busy making
227
00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:03,721
giant cell phone
deals on the beach.
228
00:09:03,745 --> 00:09:05,502
- (knocking)
- Not now, Lois.
229
00:09:05,522 --> 00:09:06,837
What about the zoo?
230
00:09:06,857 --> 00:09:08,414
I'll take you to
the trading floor
231
00:09:08,416 --> 00:09:09,916
on Wall Street instead.
232
00:09:10,009 --> 00:09:11,434
Now, that's a zoo.
233
00:09:11,528 --> 00:09:13,677
Ah, the guy, the guy on
the other end is laughing.
234
00:09:13,771 --> 00:09:16,923
LOIS: We never
made it to the zoo.
235
00:09:16,941 --> 00:09:19,926
My God, that poor
little girl needs help.
236
00:09:19,928 --> 00:09:22,929
Check it out. Brian's
got a belly rub erection.
237
00:09:22,947 --> 00:09:25,448
(laughter)
238
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,042
Oh, precious. Precious moments.
239
00:09:31,214 --> 00:09:32,863
Welcome, everyone.
240
00:09:32,883 --> 00:09:34,941
Oh, Mother, I came
as soon as I heard.
241
00:09:35,110 --> 00:09:37,110
Now, where is the
little girl? Is she okay?
242
00:09:37,128 --> 00:09:38,811
Oh, she's fine.
243
00:09:38,871 --> 00:09:41,890
She and Carter are
painting each other's nails.
244
00:09:42,041 --> 00:09:44,559
What? He never did that with me.
245
00:09:44,786 --> 00:09:46,710
Your nails are already yellow.
246
00:09:46,730 --> 00:09:48,563
Yeah, the toes
are the first to die.
247
00:09:48,732 --> 00:09:50,652
Just add some blue;
it'll make it a nice green.
248
00:09:50,792 --> 00:09:51,882
We're out of blue.
249
00:09:51,902 --> 00:09:53,713
Well, then just slap
some googly eyes on them
250
00:09:53,737 --> 00:09:55,311
and we've got
ten little Minions.
251
00:09:55,405 --> 00:09:56,812
I like Minions.
252
00:09:56,907 --> 00:09:58,430
Not sexually.
253
00:09:58,483 --> 00:10:01,484
I realize bringing that
up suggests otherwise.
254
00:10:01,578 --> 00:10:02,818
Now you say something.
255
00:10:02,971 --> 00:10:04,971
I'm not calling you
my aunt, by the way,
256
00:10:05,064 --> 00:10:06,305
so get that out of your head.
257
00:10:06,324 --> 00:10:08,249
Well, I'm sure this will all end
258
00:10:08,476 --> 00:10:10,476
as soon as Daddy
gets a business call.
259
00:10:10,495 --> 00:10:13,421
There's a
Mr. Important on the line.
260
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:15,148
Tell him he'll have to wait.
261
00:10:15,166 --> 00:10:16,832
(gasps) What?
262
00:10:17,001 --> 00:10:19,260
Well, Daddy would
always take business calls
263
00:10:19,412 --> 00:10:20,595
when I would play with him.
264
00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:21,746
(clears throat)
265
00:10:21,823 --> 00:10:25,007
It's Mr. Important
from the, uh...
266
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:26,492
"massage place."
267
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:29,771
Oh. Of course I'll take it.
You got to say that part.
268
00:10:32,776 --> 00:10:34,591
ANNOUNCER: We
now return to Harry Potter
269
00:10:34,686 --> 00:10:36,611
and the Phone Call
of Awkwardness.
270
00:10:36,762 --> 00:10:37,946
Yeah, Hermione?
271
00:10:38,173 --> 00:10:40,097
Hey, it's me, Harry.
272
00:10:40,116 --> 00:10:42,784
Um, remember that time I, um...
273
00:10:43,011 --> 00:10:44,786
I caught your snitch?
274
00:10:45,013 --> 00:10:46,770
Yeah, well, you may want
275
00:10:46,790 --> 00:10:48,939
to have your chamber
of secrets checked
276
00:10:48,959 --> 00:10:50,625
because, um, it's possible
277
00:10:50,776 --> 00:10:53,202
I may have given you Hogwarts.
278
00:10:53,371 --> 00:10:55,296
As you know, I
insist my children
279
00:10:55,523 --> 00:10:57,373
are always taken
care of financially.
280
00:10:57,467 --> 00:11:00,376
So, Tatum, I'm giving you
this American Express card.
281
00:11:00,470 --> 00:11:01,952
But what about me, Daddy?
282
00:11:02,121 --> 00:11:03,454
I-I'm your daughter, too.
283
00:11:03,473 --> 00:11:05,715
Don't think for a moment
I forgot about you, Lois.
284
00:11:05,809 --> 00:11:08,476
I'm giving you this Native
American Express card.
285
00:11:08,627 --> 00:11:10,979
- Why?
- I think you mean "how."
286
00:11:11,130 --> 00:11:12,221
That's offensive.
287
00:11:12,298 --> 00:11:13,898
I laughed.
288
00:11:18,655 --> 00:11:20,708
- (light dance music
playing) - Care to dance?
289
00:11:20,732 --> 00:11:21,990
Sure.
290
00:11:23,384 --> 00:11:25,368
Boy, you're a great dancer.
291
00:11:28,406 --> 00:11:29,831
Mind if I cut in?
292
00:11:29,907 --> 00:11:31,224
Mind if I cut one?
293
00:11:31,242 --> 00:11:32,742
- (farts)
- Uhp, too late.
294
00:11:32,894 --> 00:11:36,337
All right, I got to go take a
not-wetting-the-hair shower.
295
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:41,917
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to House Hunters: Australia.
296
00:11:42,070 --> 00:11:45,329
So I carve boomerangs, and
me wife is an 11-inch spider.
297
00:11:45,348 --> 00:11:46,756
Our budget is $7 million.
298
00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:49,091
We're looking for something
close to the city center
299
00:11:49,244 --> 00:11:50,404
but with enough natural light
300
00:11:50,428 --> 00:11:52,078
so that we can
maintain our sunburns.
301
00:11:52,096 --> 00:11:55,339
And just look at these
spacious walk-in closets.
302
00:11:55,358 --> 00:11:58,026
Crikey, I might have
to buy a second shirt.
303
00:11:58,177 --> 00:11:59,602
Lois, there you are.
304
00:11:59,754 --> 00:12:00,920
Don't you want to
hang out with the family?
305
00:12:00,938 --> 00:12:03,531
Oh, (chuckles) I just
needed to get some air.
306
00:12:03,758 --> 00:12:04,758
Look, I know your father
307
00:12:04,868 --> 00:12:07,276
wasn't there for you
growing up, and it hurt,
308
00:12:07,445 --> 00:12:08,611
but you overcame that.
309
00:12:08,705 --> 00:12:10,854
You're the glue that
holds this family together.
310
00:12:10,948 --> 00:12:14,283
Ah, thanks, Brian.
I guess you're right.
311
00:12:14,377 --> 00:12:15,670
CARTER: Listen up!
Everyone in the van!
312
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:17,603
We're taking Tatum to the zoo!
313
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:18,788
The zoo?
314
00:12:18,940 --> 00:12:21,824
The zoo? What-what,
are we returning Chris?
315
00:12:21,976 --> 00:12:22,976
(knocking)
316
00:12:23,053 --> 00:12:24,679
Hey, Meg, did you hear
we're going to the zoo?
317
00:12:24,703 --> 00:12:26,779
What, are-are we
returning Chris?
318
00:12:26,798 --> 00:12:27,798
(knocking)
319
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:29,393
Hey, Chris, we're
going to the zoo.
320
00:12:29,542 --> 00:12:31,095
- What, are we returning Chr...
- (slaps)
321
00:12:31,119 --> 00:12:35,454
CHRIS: Keep my name
out your (bleep) mouth!
322
00:12:35,473 --> 00:12:38,900
PETER: Wow, dude,
it was a zoo joke.
323
00:12:39,127 --> 00:12:43,279
CHRIS: Keep my name
out your (bleep) mouth!
324
00:12:46,076 --> 00:12:47,891
Just a heads-up:
I have an itinerary
325
00:12:47,985 --> 00:12:50,319
that we have to stick
to or I'll get really angry.
326
00:12:50,413 --> 00:12:51,913
Everyone loves a guy like me.
327
00:12:52,064 --> 00:12:53,414
All right, let's go.
328
00:12:53,641 --> 00:12:57,810
How is it always 25 degrees
hotter here than anywhere else?
329
00:12:57,829 --> 00:12:59,736
Mom, are you okay?
330
00:12:59,756 --> 00:13:02,423
Oh, of course I'm okay.
Why wouldn't I be okay?
331
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,150
I'm at the zoo!
332
00:13:04,243 --> 00:13:05,985
After 30 years of asking Daddy
333
00:13:06,154 --> 00:13:08,487
to take me to the
zoo, here I am!
334
00:13:08,506 --> 00:13:09,983
What else do you
want, honey? Huh?
335
00:13:10,007 --> 00:13:12,749
My clothes? My car? You
want to screw my husband?
336
00:13:12,844 --> 00:13:14,751
I wouldn't. I hear
that husband of hers
337
00:13:14,771 --> 00:13:16,771
ain't hitting the mark,
if you catch my drift.
338
00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:19,273
Lois, will you take this
little one to the bathroom?
339
00:13:19,425 --> 00:13:20,757
Fine.
340
00:13:20,852 --> 00:13:23,778
We'll wait here for you
while I read this sign out loud.
341
00:13:24,005 --> 00:13:26,114
"No flash photography."
342
00:13:26,341 --> 00:13:28,932
Huh, I guess that means
no photos with flashes,
343
00:13:29,026 --> 00:13:30,434
if I'm reading this right.
344
00:13:30,453 --> 00:13:33,121
Interesting. Is there anyone
who hasn't read this sign?
345
00:13:33,272 --> 00:13:34,872
I can summarize it for you.
346
00:13:36,851 --> 00:13:38,793
(toilet flushing)
347
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,838
So unfair.
348
00:13:42,707 --> 00:13:44,874
Ugh, I look like Ron Weasley.
349
00:13:45,026 --> 00:13:48,194
I'm now a real estate
broker in Winnersh.
350
00:13:48,212 --> 00:13:49,846
(door creaks)
351
00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:53,199
Tatum? Tatum?
352
00:13:53,217 --> 00:13:55,529
WOMAN: Could you be
quiet? I'm trying to wipe myself
353
00:13:55,553 --> 00:13:58,295
with the thinnest toilet
paper known to humankind.
354
00:13:58,314 --> 00:14:00,481
Why does that require silence?
355
00:14:01,726 --> 00:14:02,966
Tatum?!
356
00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:04,393
Oh, hey, Lois. What's wrong?
357
00:14:04,562 --> 00:14:07,304
Peter, you got to
help me. I lost Tatum!
358
00:14:07,473 --> 00:14:10,140
Uh, we went into the
bathroom, but now she's gone!
359
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,219
Well, if this isn't an excuse
to climb a giraffe's neck,
360
00:14:13,388 --> 00:14:14,388
I don't know what is.
361
00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:15,496
You see her?
362
00:14:15,648 --> 00:14:17,907
No, but do you see
those hippos doing it?
363
00:14:18,001 --> 00:14:19,500
Giraffe!
364
00:14:23,989 --> 00:14:26,507
? ?
365
00:14:28,511 --> 00:14:29,511
There you are, Lois.
366
00:14:29,629 --> 00:14:31,328
I bought Tatum
this stuffed penguin
367
00:14:31,347 --> 00:14:33,514
that didn't require washing
blood and semen off it
368
00:14:33,716 --> 00:14:35,241
like the one you
found for Stewie.
369
00:14:35,259 --> 00:14:36,425
Wha-wha-whaa?
370
00:14:36,577 --> 00:14:40,246
Uh, Daddy, I-I
sort of lost Tatum.
371
00:14:40,264 --> 00:14:43,082
- You what?!
- I swear it was an accident.
372
00:14:43,084 --> 00:14:45,084
Don't worry, Lois. We'll
split up and look for her.
373
00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:47,436
On it. (grunts)
374
00:14:47,588 --> 00:14:50,198
Damn it, Chris! Now that's
gonna be in our Fox promo.
375
00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:51,660
- Sorry, Dad.
- Sorry, Dad.
376
00:14:51,684 --> 00:14:52,849
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Fox:
377
00:14:52,869 --> 00:14:55,945
Chris Griffin
meets... Chris Griffin?
378
00:14:56,039 --> 00:14:57,947
Aw, there it goes.
379
00:14:58,041 --> 00:14:59,582
Sorry.
380
00:15:02,378 --> 00:15:04,119
Hey, you looking for that kid?
381
00:15:04,272 --> 00:15:07,215
Grab those keys and come in
here and I'll tell you where she is.
382
00:15:07,442 --> 00:15:08,549
Ha. Nice try.
383
00:15:08,701 --> 00:15:10,659
I see that other wolf
hiding behind the rock.
384
00:15:10,795 --> 00:15:12,720
Come on. Hey, you like scotch?
385
00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,948
I got a 21-year Macallan
in here. Let's have a drink.
386
00:15:15,967 --> 00:15:18,300
How does a wolf get
a 21-year Macallan?
387
00:15:18,394 --> 00:15:20,061
It was a gift from a friend.
388
00:15:20,137 --> 00:15:21,137
Pretty good friend.
389
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:23,046
- Hey, what do you do?
- I'm a writer.
390
00:15:23,066 --> 00:15:25,377
-Wait a minute. What's your name?
-Brian Griffin.
391
00:15:25,401 --> 00:15:27,384
Brian Griffin? I knew
I recognized you.
392
00:15:27,478 --> 00:15:28,478
I read your book.
393
00:15:28,629 --> 00:15:30,479
You read Faster Than
the Speed of Love?
394
00:15:30,573 --> 00:15:32,723
I sure did, and thanks
for saying the title.
395
00:15:32,742 --> 00:15:35,368
Well, maybe I will
come in for a Macallan.
396
00:15:37,138 --> 00:15:39,321
? ?
397
00:15:39,474 --> 00:15:41,624
He didn't read my book.
398
00:15:44,479 --> 00:15:47,980
So I said, "What, are
we returning Chris?"
399
00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:50,316
Chris is my son.
400
00:15:50,334 --> 00:15:52,001
All right, too
smart for the room.
401
00:15:52,153 --> 00:15:53,002
What else? What else?
402
00:15:53,096 --> 00:15:54,465
Uh, you know, I
hear the elephants
403
00:15:54,489 --> 00:15:55,629
are asking for a raise.
404
00:15:55,856 --> 00:15:58,491
Yeah, they're tired
of working for peanuts.
405
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,175
Why aren't you guys laughing?
406
00:16:00,328 --> 00:16:01,844
Our hyena president was shot.
407
00:16:01,938 --> 00:16:04,163
I know it's not a big
deal in the human world,
408
00:16:04,181 --> 00:16:05,273
but it mattered to us.
409
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:08,317
But please continue.
We want to feel normal.
410
00:16:09,504 --> 00:16:10,669
Any sign of Tatum?
411
00:16:10,688 --> 00:16:12,929
- No.
- What's going on over there?
412
00:16:13,024 --> 00:16:14,657
(people murmuring)
413
00:16:16,861 --> 00:16:18,995
? ?
414
00:16:20,681 --> 00:16:23,349
Oh, my God! Tatum's
in the gorilla pit!
415
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:25,367
Oh, no. (yawns)
416
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:27,536
Sorry, that was a
bad time to yawn.
417
00:16:27,688 --> 00:16:29,630
? ?
418
00:16:34,211 --> 00:16:35,544
Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker,
419
00:16:35,638 --> 00:16:37,638
live on the scene
at Newport Zoo,
420
00:16:37,807 --> 00:16:40,199
where a young girl has
fallen into the gorilla pit.
421
00:16:40,217 --> 00:16:42,535
The zoo wrangler, or
a man in khaki shorts
422
00:16:42,553 --> 00:16:44,036
I can only assume is an expert,
423
00:16:44,055 --> 00:16:46,797
is now being lowered into
the pit to rescue the child.
424
00:16:46,874 --> 00:16:48,185
- (gorillas snarling)
- (man screaming)
425
00:16:48,209 --> 00:16:51,043
And is now being
ripped limb from limb.
426
00:16:51,062 --> 00:16:52,447
- (screaming stops)
- Uhp, hang on.
427
00:16:52,471 --> 00:16:55,230
He appears to be okay
and is now exiting the pit.
428
00:16:55,325 --> 00:16:57,011
Nope, correction,
that's just his face.
429
00:16:57,035 --> 00:16:59,660
A gorilla has ripped
it off and is wearing it
430
00:16:59,812 --> 00:17:01,871
and is now walking
out of the park.
431
00:17:03,574 --> 00:17:06,909
Say, could you direct me to
your town's banana district?
432
00:17:07,036 --> 00:17:09,228
? ?
433
00:17:09,246 --> 00:17:11,589
Somebody, please! Save her!
434
00:17:18,255 --> 00:17:19,474
Lois, what the
hell are you doing?
435
00:17:19,498 --> 00:17:20,848
I have to, Brian.
436
00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:22,165
This is all my fault.
437
00:17:22,185 --> 00:17:23,976
(grunts)
438
00:17:24,762 --> 00:17:26,187
(roaring)
439
00:17:26,338 --> 00:17:28,004
- (grunts)
- (people gasp)
440
00:17:28,024 --> 00:17:29,357
- Lois!
- Mom!
441
00:17:29,508 --> 00:17:32,342
Wow, from this angle, you
can really see Lois's roots.
442
00:17:32,362 --> 00:17:34,086
(gorillas growling)
443
00:17:34,105 --> 00:17:36,346
Nice gorillas.
444
00:17:36,366 --> 00:17:38,532
I'm a big fan of your glue.
445
00:17:38,684 --> 00:17:40,409
They do make good glue.
446
00:17:42,263 --> 00:17:43,520
My God, I can't watch.
447
00:17:43,539 --> 00:17:46,932
Look, a baby gorilla
who can't stop sneezing.
448
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,001
(sneezing)
449
00:17:52,273 --> 00:17:53,273
ALL: Aw.
450
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:54,548
LOIS: Peter!
451
00:17:56,052 --> 00:17:58,386
(growling)
452
00:17:58,613 --> 00:18:00,888
Peter, what do I do?!
453
00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,448
Tell them about your dream!
454
00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:04,800
What? They can't understand me!
455
00:18:04,952 --> 00:18:07,428
Doesn't matter. It's all
tone and body language.
456
00:18:07,563 --> 00:18:09,600
Trust me, they'll know
they don't want to be there.
457
00:18:09,624 --> 00:18:12,474
Well, uh, it's interesting
you should say that
458
00:18:12,627 --> 00:18:15,385
'cause I did have a particularly
weird dream last night.
459
00:18:15,479 --> 00:18:16,940
Tell them how you
were in our house
460
00:18:16,964 --> 00:18:19,407
but it was somehow different
than our regular house.
461
00:18:19,558 --> 00:18:21,224
Well, we were in our house,
462
00:18:21,318 --> 00:18:23,371
except the laundry
machine was in our kitchen,
463
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:24,561
if you can believe it.
464
00:18:24,655 --> 00:18:26,639
And it wasn't like our
normal laundry machine.
465
00:18:26,732 --> 00:18:28,042
It was more like
our refrigerator.
466
00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:29,346
PETER: Yeah, run with that.
467
00:18:29,419 --> 00:18:32,811
Oh, and Bonnie's brother
was there, too, for some reason,
468
00:18:32,905 --> 00:18:34,813
which is totally random
'cause I haven't seen him
469
00:18:34,832 --> 00:18:36,832
in, like, oh, my
God, seven years.
470
00:18:36,984 --> 00:18:39,093
But, you know, I did see
a Facebook post of him
471
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:40,428
from, like, a month ago,
472
00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:42,482
so maybe that had
something to do with it.
473
00:18:42,506 --> 00:18:43,580
Let's just go.
474
00:18:43,599 --> 00:18:45,266
No. I want to hear
how this ends,
475
00:18:45,435 --> 00:18:46,675
then tell her my dream.
476
00:18:46,827 --> 00:18:49,161
Anyway, I was doing the wash,
477
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:51,272
and smoke was
coming out the machine,
478
00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:53,774
but it was more like
a fog than a smoke.
479
00:18:53,851 --> 00:18:55,609
Lois!
480
00:18:55,836 --> 00:18:57,903
? ?
481
00:19:04,178 --> 00:19:05,527
Thanks for saving my life.
482
00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:07,196
Well, it was kind of my fault
483
00:19:07,348 --> 00:19:09,105
you were there
in the first place.
484
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,016
I hope you can forgive me.
485
00:19:11,109 --> 00:19:13,127
I always wanted a big sister.
486
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:15,337
? ?
487
00:19:18,209 --> 00:19:19,358
How dumb do you have to be
488
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:21,785
to walk into a
gorilla pit, eh, Brian?
489
00:19:21,879 --> 00:19:22,619
Brian?
490
00:19:22,713 --> 00:19:25,139
So, you've all read my book?
491
00:19:25,366 --> 00:19:27,624
? ?
492
00:19:27,643 --> 00:19:30,627
They had read my book;
they just didn't like it.
493
00:19:30,646 --> 00:19:34,540
And, Daddy, I'm so
sorry for the way I acted.
494
00:19:34,558 --> 00:19:35,891
I guess I was just jealous
495
00:19:35,985 --> 00:19:37,985
of all the attention
you were giving Tatum
496
00:19:38,154 --> 00:19:41,155
and afraid that she'd taken
my place as your daughter.
497
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:44,566
Lois, the reason I've been
giving Tatum so much attention
498
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:47,828
is because I know how
badly I screwed up with you.
499
00:19:48,055 --> 00:19:51,740
I was never there, and it's
the biggest regret of my life.
500
00:19:51,834 --> 00:19:54,335
I'd give anything to go back
and have a second chance
501
00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:56,486
to be a better father to you.
502
00:19:56,506 --> 00:19:59,548
Unfortunately, Tatum's
as close as I'll get.
503
00:20:03,571 --> 00:20:06,013
Well, I'm sorry I became
a bit of a monster.
504
00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:07,497
I was just jealous.
505
00:20:07,591 --> 00:20:08,682
Trust me, that was nothing.
506
00:20:08,909 --> 00:20:10,709
When you were born,
Babs was so jealous
507
00:20:10,745 --> 00:20:12,002
of the attention you got,
508
00:20:12,170 --> 00:20:14,688
she used to put your head in
the oven and try to cook you.
509
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:16,840
- Did I never tell you that?
- What? No.
510
00:20:16,859 --> 00:20:19,251
That's... that's
kind of disturbing.
511
00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:21,177
Yeah, well, that's
the Pewterschmidts.
512
00:20:21,272 --> 00:20:23,422
CARTER (to the tune of The Brady
Bunch theme): ? The Pewterschmidts ?
513
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,366
? The Pewterschmidts ?
514
00:20:25,517 --> 00:20:27,161
? We had three other
kids who did not live ?
515
00:20:27,185 --> 00:20:28,369
? Ba ba da ba. ?
516
00:20:32,616 --> 00:20:33,949
? ?
517
00:20:34,101 --> 00:20:37,527
Look at this, all of us
eating together as a family.
518
00:20:37,621 --> 00:20:39,955
This is the closeness
we missed with Lois.
519
00:20:40,107 --> 00:20:41,048
What?
520
00:20:41,125 --> 00:20:43,033
I said this is the closeness
521
00:20:43,127 --> 00:20:44,610
we missed with Lois!
522
00:20:44,628 --> 00:20:46,870
- Tatum, how's your applesauce?
- What?
523
00:20:46,889 --> 00:20:49,139
This isn't working.
You have to leave.
524
00:20:50,393 --> 00:20:52,801
- What's happening?
- They can't hear each other.
525
00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:54,979
Ha. Big table.
526
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:57,003
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527
00:20:57,053 --> 00:21:01,603
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