Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Louise, your breakfast is getting cold.

It's just cereal.

It's supposed to be cold.

Or have I been doing it wrong?

I was gonna make cheesy eggs

for everybody this morning,

but someone ate the entire

brand-new block of cheddar.

It was sharp cheddar,

which is the best-dressed of all the cheddars.

- That's true. - (yawns)

Morning, Louise. You seem tired.

Why you so sleepy, honey? Did you have a bad dream

where your father goes crazy and kills the whole family?

- What? - No, nothing cool like that.

It's just tomorrow is my last show-and-tell ever.

- Ever. - Oh, right, it stops after fourth grade.

But then in fifth grade you get social studies,

- so that's cool. - Anyway,

I'm kind of the rock star of show-and-tell.

It's my thing, it's what I'm known for.

- Everyone agrees. - That and your dainty feet.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

I've always knocked it out of the park,

and this is my last one,

I really have to bring it.

So I was up all night trying to figure out

what to do for my last hurrah

and I came up with nothing!

Well, why don't you bring one of your fun Japanese toys?

That octopus-looking one, maybe?

He's got a story to tell, I bet.

Or at least a funny thing that happened to him

in the checkout line at the grocery store?

Oh, Tina, Tina, Tina. You really don't get it.

I've set a very high bar.

My completely mechanical replacement arm

has ten times the strength of a normal arm.

This is a drawing of my pet monkey, Bjorn.

Couple things about Bjorn--

he can do the Macarena,

he is an ordained minister...

This is a tooth from the shark that tried to eat me,

and I kickboxed my way out of its mouth.

We're actually good friends now.

It's made with human remains

from the crematorium next door.

Louise, I think maybe some of your show-and-tells

weren't exactly honest. Because they were lies.

For your last one, maybe you do something real.

What? No. Real life is boring.

Just look at Dad over there, reading the newspaper.

- Boring. - Hey.

You think people want to hear about that life?

This actually isn't boring, Louise.

I'm reading about that old

artillery battery near the wharf.

It says some cannonballs washed ashore.

Speaking of cannonballs washing ashore,

I got to go to the bathroom.

Thank you for that, Gene.

There was an artillery battery around here?

And what kind of batteries do artilleries take?

Double-A? It's always double-A.

A battery is a bunch of cannons, I think.

They used them in the War of 1812 against

the bad guys?

You know the spot, there's a cannon there.

Or a statue of a cannon.

We maybe let you play on it when you were little,

which I assume was okay.

Our town should get playgrounds.

So, yeah, after that big storm last month,

these old cannonballs washed up on the beach near the battery,

which is pretty cool.

Oh, that storm.

I had to reset all the clocks.

And I didn't check what time it was,

so don't use the clocks

if you need to know what time it is.

Yes, that's it!

I'm gonna go look for a cannonball.

That's a real thing, right, Tina?

Uh, wait. what?

No one is gonna go look for a cannonball.

I don't want any of my babies getting exploded.

Well, the cannonballs themselves don't explode, Lin.

They're just a ball of iron. The gunpowder was in the cannon.

Unless that's their evil plan.

To blow us up a hundred and something years after the war?

I don't know.

Eh, it was a false alarm.

But still give it a few minutes in there.

Lot of smoke but no fire. What'd I miss?

I'm gonna look for cannonballs on the beach after breakfast.

- Who's in? - Sounds fun,

but I don't think I should go anywhere.

I'd feel better if I could lose this cheddar.

Tina, what about you? You coming?

I mean, I'll go to the beach with you

because that sounds nice,

but I don't think we'll find any cannonballs.

We may find a pleasant breeze, though.

Aw, a sister cannonball run.

You know, when I was a kid, we found a box of bullets

in the woods and threw 'em at each other.

But don't do that. And, hey,

stay on the beach, you two.

No going on slippery rocks

where the waves can knock you in.

And there's some caves near there.

Don't go in those.

Because of drowning.

And if we see a volcano, should we jump in that or no?

No. No volcanos.

They seem fun but they're not.

So, Bob, you know how Kathleen likes to watch hurling?

- Uh, no. - Well, she does. A lot.

She likes watching people vomit?

- Hurling is a sport, Gene. - Sports?

Ugh, I'd rather watch people vomit.

It's like hockey but on grass.

And they have a ball instead of a puck

and then you can pick up the ball, I think.

It's a little confusing. But, uh, I love it.

Sounds like you do.

Uh, yeah, anyway, the bar where

she usually watches it is closing.

The owner's moving back to Ireland,

- to start an American bar. - Okay.

So, I kind of invited her here to watch the game today.

But is it even on regular TV?

No, uh, but I have a computer

and a little projector in my truck.

And I can rig it all up. Doesn't that sound fun?

I guess.

Aw, Teddy, look at you rigging up

sports stuff for your special friend.

Some hurlin' and girlin'. But she's a woman.

Yeah, well, Kathleen likes hurling,

so I'm gonna like hurling. Because

it's good to have, you know, shared hobbies.

My ex-wife Denise and I had nothing in common.

Her favorite thing was going on trips by herself

and not telling me when or where she was going,

and mine was just sitting at home,

rocking back and forth a little,

and saying, "We're still in love."

(chuckles) Over and over.

- Aw, Teddy. - Look at you two.

You share some hobbies. You both like burgers and fries.

Hurling could be me and Kathleen's "burgers and fries."

I mean, not a hobby, but...

- Anyway, great. We're doing it. - Yes!

It's happening! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Thank you, Gene. That's very supportive.

Uh, Teddy, I think he's talking about

- going to the bathroom. - Oh.

Wait. Nope, not happening.

Dang it. What's wrong with me?

This is where I shine. This is who I am!

Aw, my poor blocked-up baby.

I'm gonna beat this. They're gonna make

an independent movie about it someday.

LOUISE: Well, that's the cannon up there.

We're definitely looking in the right place.

Where are the cannonballs?

I mean, people probably found them all?

Oh, look, there's something.

Oh. No, just part of a dead crab.

But it's kind of cool.

Could work for show-and-tell?

Aah! The legs moved.

You're gonna be fine, little guy. Heh.

Let's keep going. He's not gonna be fine.

Yeah, besides, I can't walk into show-and-tell

with half a dead crab, Tina.

I'd get laughed out of there. I'd get booed.

Wait, people boo at show-and-tell?

I mean, Ms. Labonz boos sometimes.

- Harsh. - Yeah.

- Hey, there's Gus. - Hi, Gus.

Hello, kids.

You haven't caught any cannonballs

with that thing, have you?

Nope, just trying to catch my dinner.

Well, I hope you reel in a pizza then.

(chuckles) Just kidding.

I know pizzas don't live in the ocean.

You know, there were cannons all along the bluff up there.

They went past the point.

If I was looking for a cannonball,

I'd look over there in the rocks.

Not as many people walking around over there.

It's a little harder to get to.

Or I'd look in the caves beyond the point

- if it wasn't so dangerous. - Interesting.

Another reason people don't go there is it gets pretty stinky.

- How stinky we talking? - Pretty nasty.

It comes from a seaweed that gets washed up called sargassum.

Smells like rotten eggs.

I got some in my boat in 1986 and it still smells.

Not that my boat smelled great before that, but still.

- Thanks, Gus. - You're welcome.

Looks like we're going on those rocks.

What? But Mom said no going on the rocks.

And if we don't find anything there,

- we're looking in the caves. - Dad said no caves!

Tina, that was before we got all the hot tips from Gus.

The hot Gus goss.

It's obviously where the cannonballs are gonna be.

And look-- the tide's going out.

It's perfectly safe.

Oh, also, the tide's coming in,

so you definitely don't want to go in the caves now.

Unless you like drowning. Most people don't.

(muffled): So be careful looking around over there.

- What did he say? - I don't know.

- I think he caught a fish. - Oh. Way to go, Gus.

- (muffled): Okay, then. - See Tina? Everything's great.

Gus caught his dinner and I'm gonna be the winner.

- Of show-and-tell. That's the spirit. - Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah!

No cannonball there. No cannonball there.

Whoa. Tina, you see anything?

No, I'm kind of more focused on not falling off

these very slippery rocks we're not supposed to be on

and being taken away by the ocean.

Oof, now I smell the seaweed Gus was talking about.

Oh, yeah, the sargassum.

Are you being "sargasstic?" Ha!

Look at the not-dangerous fun we're having.

Uh-huh, totally. Hey,

I know I'm the one who said you should do something real

for show-and-tell, but there's lots of real things

- we can find that aren't near smelly, dangerous rocks. - Tina,

this is my final show-and-tell. This has to be spectacular.

I want people to say, "Just being near Louise Belcher

"gives my life meaning.

Praise Louise Belcher. Praise Louise Belcher."

Oh! I don't like when it does that.

Well, maybe it doesn't like when you're so negative.

Yup, yup. Sorry, ocean.

LINDA: Uh, the screen seems like it might be, uh...

BOB: Incredibly inconvenient?

No, I was gonna say, "a fun obstacle."

BOB: Why not just put the screen on the back wall?

'Cause of the booths, Bob.

If the screen's on the back wall,

the people facing the door can't see it.

This way everyone just has to turn their head.

Yeah, people like watching things

that are to the side of them.

It's like, "Hey, you."

- Teddy... - Bob, it's fine.

It's just one day.

And it's just one piece of paper.

BOB: And also all of that.

Right. So you had all these printed, Teddy?

Well, I had to. You'd be surprised

how few stores there are that sell posters

with motivational hurling phrases on them.

What does "shorten the grip" mean?

I'm not exactly sure. I just went online

and looked up hurling phrases.

Very smart.

"Three cheers for crisp striking."

I kind of made up the "three cheers" part of that one.

It's good.

Kathleen is gonna love it.

Well, hopefully the other guys will like it, too.

- Other guys? - Yeah, I found a local

hurling enthusiast club online.

- I invited them all. - Y-You did?

Yeah, you can't watch an exciting live sporting event

in a quiet restaurant.

- Not that quiet. - Pretty quiet.

Yeah, you can hear Bob breathing.

- Really? You can? - Yeah, it's nice.

- It's loud. - I can tell you're alive

when you're back in the kitchen.

- I don't have to check on you. - BOB: Mm.

Well, sounds like we may have a busy day.

- That's good. - Yeah, I guess it is.

- The online group is just three people. - BOB: Oh.

Should we put this up here or should we put it outside?

What's a good spot?

♪ Oh, my old Irish Rose. ♪

It's not a real song, Bobby. I made it up.

You thought it was a real song.

It's not, it just sounds like one.

Okay. Cool cave. But it doesn't smell great.

Huh, let's look.

Nope, don't see any cannonballs in there.

Oh, well, we tried. Guess we go back,

see if that interesting

half-crab is still hanging around?

Tina, I'm going in.

But Dad said no.

And you know what's fun? Listening to your parents

and remaining alive.

It's fine, I can just go in there by myself.

No need for you to feel guilty or responsible for my fate.

Just because you're my big sister and my protector

and finding something real and true was all your idea.

But are we sure the tide is going out?

Looks like it might be coming in?

Tina, I've lived by the sea for over nine years now.

I think I know a thing or two about the tides, m'kay?

Uh...

Oh, uh-oh, look-- oh, I'm in.

Ah, see how easy it is to go in?

- Look how "in" I am. - Ugh. Fine.

Whoa. (gags)

Right? The smell is another thing

that keeps away the looky-loos.

But not us, because we've been training

our whole lives for this by living with Gene.

Now, come on. Let's go find mama a cannonball!

You guys good?

(Irish accent): We're good. Cheers.

Isn't this place great? Good banners, huh?

Such good phrases.

So, uh... who are you guys rooting for today?

Waterford or Tipperary?

Can't you tell by what we're wearing?

It's obviously Waterfor...

- Tipperary. - Of course. (laughs)

'Cause those are the colors that Tipperary wears.

This guy didn't know that,

- but I do. - What?

What can I get you hurly-burlies?

Burger of the day for me, please.

- Same. - Me as well.

And three beers, thanks.

I'll put that order in for you gentlemen,

and now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go see if can tickle the ivory.

I'm assuming that's what toilets are made of.

- Wish me luck. - Gene.

Go get 'em, honey.

Okay, not loving this.

Not loving this at all.

Everything in my body is telling me we should leave.

Mostly my nose, because of the smell.

Oh, and yup, that's more water.

Huh. That's more water!

- Louise! - Yeah?

Cool update.

The tide is coming in.

Well, that's odd. And kind of rude.

But even if it is just now coming in,

we have plenty of time.

Come help me look over here.

If I was a cannonball, I'd love this area.

Whoa. But watch your step.

There's a crevice. Not in a bad way.

It's the good kind of crevice. (grunts)

Okay, that's a little bit alarming.

I can see now that it doesn't seem totally safe to be in here.

So, can we go?

Did I hear you say five more minutes?

That seems fair.

- Louise! - Ugh, okay.

Crap. It should not

be this hard to find a cannonball

from the War of 1812.

I want to write an angry letter to somebody.

Ken Burns, maybe? Damn it.

Yeah, damn, damn, damn.

And also if we could just pick up the pace a bit.

- Tina. - What is it?

Something that we can walk and talk about?

Cannonball!

Wait, seriously? I can't believe it.

Yeah, sneaky little cannonball.

Thought you could hide from me.

Oh, it's stuck. Here, help me dig around it.

- Louise! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, the tide.

I know. That's all you talk about now.

Keep digging! (grunting)

I don't want to die, I don't want to die.

Saying that is super helpful.

- Is it? - No.

I did it! I found it! I'm the amazing girl

who found a cannonball in a stinky cave.

Congratulations, Louise. But you know

what's a little more important right now than that cannonball--

- air, and breathing it. - Agree to disagree.

We have to go.

Uh-uh, no way am I leaving this thing.

She's my baby now.

Which makes you her aunt. Keep digging.

Louise, it's wedged between the rocks.

- Digging's not gonna help. - Is that what they said

when those raiders discovered the lost Ark?

- No. So dig. - (groans)

Dig till our faces melt off!

BOB: This is really not ideal.

I like turning my head like this.

I'm stretching out my neck.

Also, it's kind of like you're in prison

and I've come to visit you.

- BOB: Mm. - Hey, Kathleen.

- Hiya. - Kathleen, you made it.

Wow! Look at all this.

It's fun, right? Welcome to the Hurling Zone.

(laughs) Eh...

- Do you like the banners? - Yeah.

- I don't think it's too many. - No.

I-I think it's the right amount of banners. And those

are some fellow hurling heads. (chuckles)

Ooh, I think some of them are from Ireland.

Do you know them?

It's a pretty big country, Teddy.

Oh, wait, that's my dad.

- What? - I'm kidding.

- Right, right. - Could be a cousin though.

So, you folks watch hurling, then?

- They do now. - Yeah, we do.

- Sports. - We're-we're trying it out today

and seeing how it goes. I don't love the screen

being where it is

and I-I miss the way things were before.

- Oh. - But, yeah, everything's fine.

I miss the way things were before, too.

When I could poop.

- What? - Don't look at me!

- He's constipated. - GENE: Just in my butt.

- Uh, have a seat, Kathleen. - Okay. Thank you.

- Can you see okay? - Yeah, sure.

Is there any sound?

It's coming out of the projector.

If you're really quiet, you can hear it.

Shh, shh, shh. Do you hear it?

Oh, yeah, there it is.

Oh, it's starting.

Look at those guys.

Look at them hurl.

Okay, I'm gonna pull. Move over.

TINA: Quickly. They're gonna be pulling us out of here

- once we drown. - Don't be so dramatic

just because it might happen. Hey, maybe we can pry it out.

People pry stuff out of things, right?

And another wave.

We've got this, Tina. All that's left

is to pop this sucker out and skip to freedom.

- I'm not very good at skipping. - Aah!

Just let go, cannonball. Come to me.

I can take you away from all of this.

Wow, look at them

do what they're doing.

I mean, I knew I was gonna see some hurling,

but I didn't know I was gonna see hurling.

Uh, yeah. Excuse me, I have to go

to the restroom. I've been holding it in

since, uh, I got here. (short chuckle)

GENE: Have fun in there.

- Must be nice. - It's just a wee.

GENE: That's how they all start.

- TEDDY: Guys. - What?

I'm so nervous.

I-I don't get this game at all.

Does it seem like I know what I'm talking about?

- Oh, yeah. - Really? Good, 'cause I'm freaking out.

Why? It's going good. Right, Bob?

Oh, oh, yeah.

Um, from what I can see from under here,

you're-you're not acting too strangely at all.

Uh, no. What? We don't want more fries.

Always upselling the fries, these two.

- Oh, I'll take more fries. - Great. More fries, please.

That's what I was trying to tell you, Bob.

- You got to learn to listen. - BOB: Mm-hmm.

(Tina and Louise grunting)

Pull harder!

(both grunting)

Oh! Oh, oh, my butt.

(gasps) Tina, look. We did it!

Yeah, great. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Ow. Butt.

Ow. So heavy.

Ow. Butt. Okay, dropping it.

- Okay, picking it up again. Ow, ow, - Faster.

- ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - Faster, faster.

Oh, my butt. Oh, my butt.

Okay, this crevice is probably easier to jump over

when you're not carrying a heavy cannonball.

I'm assuming. Stand back.

I'm gonna shot-put this baby over.

Wait, is that a good idea? Oh, you're doing it.

- Aah! - Aah!

No! My angel!

Aah! I can't reach it.

I can't even see it. Where did it go?

I'm pretty sure it went down there.

Is that not what you wanted to hear?

- Aah! - Guess not.

- Louise, we have to go. - No. I can swim down and get it.

It's fine, I'm already covered in stink water.

Do you have any scuba gear? No?

That crevice is so deep we can't even see the bottom.

The cannonball is gone. We have to go.

- But... - Now!

(groans) Okay, fine.

Let's go. Goodbye, stupid cannonball.

You could have had a beautiful life.

You could have been part of show-and-tell history.

Not just dumb old War of 1812 history.

- Up here. - (grunts)

Okay, that was probably the last wave.

Should we head back in?

Yeah, never mind.

Mmm. Oh, wow. (laughs)

It's like I'm nervous.

Do you eat more when you're nervous?

I mean, I'm not. I don't. I mean, I don't.

- Yeah, no. - Uh, Linda.

- Can we get more fries, please? - Uh, sure.

This is so much better than hockey.

I-I can't even believe I liked that garbage.

And watched every game I could

and I'm involved in a bunch of fantasy hockey leagues.

- Remind me to quit those. - (chuckles): Okay.

How we doing on those fries, Bob?

Coming up, Teddy.

You literally just ordered them.

- Uh-oh. Oh, no. - Oh, boy.

- Oh... - I think we're gonna head out.

- Thanks. - Wait.

Where are you guys going?

It's just a bit hard to hear. And see.

so we might watch the rest at Julian's house.

Uh, no, no, no. Don't leave.

This is the Hurling Zone. We're having fun.

Hey, can you believe, uh,

how much those guys shortened the grip?

You said that a few times today.

I'm not sure you know what it means.

But, thanks. Bye.

The grip. They shortened it.

Damn it. No, wait. Don't you leave, too.

I'll get better at hurling watching.

I'll learn to love it and then we can

have the same hobbies and it'll be great.

I was just getting up to get more napkins, Teddy.

Oh. Oh, good. (chuckles)

Ah! Oh. Something's changed. Opportunity's knocking.

Time to take my shot.

- BOB: Ow. - Sorry.

Excuse me. This is bigger than all of us!

Teddy, it seems like maybe you're trying

way too hard for us to like the same thing?

Damn it. Greasy fingers.

But isn't that what people who

may or may not want to spend more time

with another person do?

Because, I mean, in the past,

I've spent time with people where we had

none of the same interests and it didn't end great,

'cause we got divorced.

Teddy, I think it's fine

we have different interests.

I like learning what different stuff you like.

And I already know about what stuff I like.

I don't even like some of the stuff I like.

- BOB: Come on. - So, it's okay

that I-I don't like hurling very much? At all.

And I can't seem to follow it for some reason

and it makes me angry?

Of course it is. You're not Irish.

We legally have to like it. Linda, tell him.

Do you and Bob like all the same things?

Oh, God, no. I like cool stuff

and Bob likes working on that little

model airplane for, like, the last ten years.

It hasn't been ten years.

Wait, it might be longer.

- Crap. - See?

You big, stupid dummy.

So I get to keep all my hockey embroidery art

- from Etsy? - KATHLEEN: Hell no.

- Okay. - Teddy, of course you can.

- Oh, thank God. - Mom! Dad!

The eagle has landed!

I'm myself again. I'm better than myself.

I feel like I can do a cartwheel.

(grunts)

Nope, still can't do that.

We're very happy for you, Gene.

You put in the effort and you did it.

You know, we don't have to watch the second half, Teddy.

It's-it's... it's just a beautiful game,

- and kind of a metaphor for life. - No, I want to.

Now that I'm not pretending to like it,

- I-I might actually like it. - Oh, my God.

You like it because it doesn't make any sense, is that right?

I will stick this fork in you, Teddy.

All right, all right. Teach me something.

Okay, the ball is called a sliotar.

- TEDDY: Sleeter? - KATHLEEN: (chuckles) Sliotar.

- Shleeter. - That's it. Kind of.

TEDDY: I never was good at languages.

LOUISE: Ugh. What a frickin' bust.

No cannonball, my butt hurts, I smell like a butt.

(sniffs) I think I might not smell.

But it's hard to tell 'cause I'm walking next to you.

What the hell am I gonna do for tomorrow?

Hey, what if we made our own cannonball?

No one knows what they really look like.

We could paint a Skee-Ball from Wonder Wharf.

They'll never know the difference.

I could put some fake blood on it.

Not sure if a cannonball would have blood on it,

just thinking out loud.

You know, Louise, you could

tell what really happened.

Oh, what, Tina-- that I failed?

That I lost the cannonball,

I got stinky sarguss-whatever on me,

I bruised my butt?

Everyone's always talking about how cool

butt bruises are, right? No, I'm not doing that.

Real life Louise is too disappointing.

Louise, I know you think you've got to impress everybody,

but I bet the kids in your class would like to hear about

the stuff that's maybe a little embarrassing.

Sometimes those stories are even better than the stories

where everything goes right. 'Cause they're real.

And because that kind of stuff happens to everybody.

I mean, there's probably not always a cannonball involved,

but sometimes, I'm assuming?

And I hope you won't take it too personally

if I walk a few feet away from you.

'Cause I mean, it is personal, um,

from a hygienic standpoint,

but, you know. You know what I mean.

So, yeah, I tried,

but I didn't get the cannonball,

and... the end.

Of show-and-tell, for me, forever.

Uh... so...

What's that smell?

It's called sargassum. It's a stinky seaweed

that I'm thinking of selling to the government

- as a biological weapon. - (chuckling)

The cool part is you can wash your hair five times,

and it doesn't come out.

But luckily, I love the smell of fish farts,

- so that works for me. - (laughing)

Oh, and by the way, I also fell

and hit my butt on a rock. I have a bruise

that looks sort of like this. Like Australia.

- Or "Ass-tralia?" - Louise, don't say Ass-tralia.

And no butt drawings.

Hey, no bruise shaming, Labonz.

Does anybody else have a question?

♪ One hand tackle and a two hand catch ♪

- ♪ Now we've got shemozzle ♪ - ♪ Got the... thing ♪

- ♪ And we're leading the match, come on ♪ - ♪ Uh... ♪

♪ Sitting on the town end, no place I'd rather be ♪

♪ If it's our fate to lose then let's blame the referee ♪

♪ You think your team can take us? ♪

- ♪ Just look at the score ♪ - ♪ Dah-bah, dah-dah, score ♪

♪ 'Cause we've been winning since 1884 ♪

♪ Yeah, we've been winning since 1884 ♪

♪ So, raise a glass to the tip-top ♪

♪ We'll never be knocked off ♪

♪ And if you root for someone else ♪

KATHLEEN: ♪ Well, then you can just... ♪

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