Original subtitles

[CARS HONKING]

Good evening.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

Right this way, please.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[INAUDIBLE]

Wonderful.

[APPLAUSE]

You?

Make a wish. Blow out the candles.

Telephone call, Mr. Flood.

Save it. Save it, sweetheart.

I'll be right back.

[INAUDIBLE]

Take five.

[SIGHS]

[BAND PLAYS ROMANTIC MUSIC]

That was the office.

At this hour?

Yeah. They wanted some information

on Brink vs. Brink.

I'm trying the case in the morning.

I thought you were trying it tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Hmm? Forgive me.

It won't happen again.

Let's dance.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Telephone, Mr. Flood.

I'm sorry.

So am I. For a minute I thought he was cutting in.

It's a very lovely song,

but perhaps you'd better play the rest of it in the telephone booth.

Where'd she go?

She left.

She laughed at what?

Oh, she left?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[GRUNTS]

What number do you want?

Uh, of course you have the wrong number, lady.

No, this is Dunkirk, uh, 20799.

Lady, when I become an ear, eye, nose and throat man,

you'll be the first to know.

Can you imagine that?

She wanted to have her tonsils painted

at this time of the night.

[SCOFFS]

Well...

It takes all kinds.

I'm going to make some coffee.

That's a pretty clever move at 3:00 in the morning.

And make instant coffee!

I don't want to be listening to percolators all night long!

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Oh, hello.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLOCKS CHIMES]

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Ole!

Buenos dias, Senora Flood.

Oh...

Good morning, Roza.

Hey...

You spend the night there?

I'll be out of your way in a minute.

Something happened?

I mean, between you and your husband?

I was working on my novel, and I dozed off.

You'd better prepare breakfast for Mr. Flood.

Mrs. Flood, don't be like my sister Lucia.

She spend a lot of time on the couch, too,

but not sleeping, talking.

Will you please prepare breakfast?

Oh, senora, I'm sorry.

But listen,

if ever you want to tell me about it,

you know you can trust me.

I lay down my life for you, Senora Flood!

Oh, now look, Roza, this is not the battle of San Juan Hill.

Just breakfast, please?

Hey, that's a good idea.

Listen, you feed a man good in the morning,

and it takes care of what went on the night before.

Almost.

Good morning, Mr. Flood.

I'm going to make you the most terrific breakfast.

Make you forget all about last night.

Remember me?

Steve!

What are we going to do?

We are going to clean this house

to the best of our abilities.

That's what you're going to do.

Will you please get me some coffee?

I tell you, Mrs. Flood,

he's got something going on the outside.

I feel the vibration. I know.

That's why my sister spend so much time on the couch.

Roza,

if you were not an old family retainer

who's been with us for seven whole weeks,

I'd send you packing.

Si, senora.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, who is this?

[LINE CLICKS]

He hung up without saying a word.

Then how you know it's a he?

I could tell.

By the breathing, huh?

Senora,you better do something fast.

Otherwise, you're out one husband, and I'm out one job.

You may be out that in any case.

Oh! You wanted some coffee.

Yes, I think I mentioned it.

I'm going to make it black, black, black, and strong.

And we can start thinking

about what every red-blooded American woman wants.

Alimony.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Flood, Morgan, Biddle, and Clay.

No, Mr. Flood isn't in yet.

Oh, just a moment. Mr. Flood, telephone.

Morgan in yet?

Yes, but what about...

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Flood, Morgan, Biddle, and Clay.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Steve, boy!

Hi, Clint.

I just came over to tap you for 200 bucks.

Wrong office.

You'll find Biddle down the hall. He likes you.

You know, there aren't many of those kind left.

Here, have some sunflower seeds.

Good for your metabolism.

I know what's good for my metabolism, and I need $200.

I thought you'd come to fork over the 250 from last week.

No, 200 till Thursday.

All right, I'll make it till Wednesday.

$200 on top of a shaky 250?

Steve, you can't go around spending money

like there's no tomorrow.

If you don't lend it to me,

there may not be a tomorrow,

May not even be a today, Clint.

Speaking of today...

Well, Brink vs. Brink...

How are our chances?

Oh, nil on this, nil, nil, nil.

Nil?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Hello?

Hello?

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Hello!

Hello... [RINGING CONTINUES]

Ah!

[BLOWS]

Hello?

Clint, this is Melanie.

I called you on your private phone

because I didn't want to go through the switchboard.

You understand?

Uh...

Could you hold the line a minute...

Uncle?

What were you saying, Steve?

Oh, I was just saying that

this is simply a case of, um, a woman

getting tired of a man, which, eventually...

Well, it always happens like that,

and, uh, you can't win this kind of case...

Could you hold the line, please, Uncle?

Uh, unless you're handling the woman,

you know, and we got Mr. Brink here.

So I was wondering if I could get some of your ideas on

this case here.

Oh, well...

Thank you. Thank you, Clint.

Oh, and thank your uncle. [CHUCKLES]

Now you can get back to the dame.

No uncle ever calls you on your private telephone.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hello. What's the matter? Are you all right?

Oh, Clint, I have to see you.

It's dreadfully important to me.

I need you.

You need me?

Through the years, who have I always counted on?

Who's always been closer to me than anyone?

Me?

Oh, meet me somewhere, please?

I must talk to you.

Well, I...

I don't know what to say.

Well, just say the name of a hideaway where we'll meet for lunch,

just the two of us.

The two of us?

The two of us.

[WHISPERS] La Scala. 12:30?

Fine.

See you there.

[SIGHS]

[SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Sir. Sir?

How are you?

This way, please.

Two whiskey sours with a twist of lemon.

Uh...

The music, could you bring it up, just a little?

Clint.

Melanie.

Oh, you're a darling to meet me like this,

when you probably have a million lawsuits to attend to.

I guess you know I'd always be around if you needed me.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Whiskey sours with a twist of lemon. I remembered.

What?

Whiskey sour with a twist of lemon.

Summer of 1957.

Oh.

And the violets?

They're pretty. They're your favorites.

Clint...

I'm on the verge of the most important decision of my life.

I understand.

Uh, let's get this nice and cold here.

Make things easier.

What would you say if I told you I wanted a divorce from Steve?

I'd say he's driven you to it, and it serves him right...

Ooh! Mmm...

You haven't changed perfumes.

It's still Je Reviens.

Well, for the last few months,

he's been getting the strangest telephone calls,

all hours of the day and night.

I'm out of my mind about it.

The steaks here are wonderful.

I thought maybe if I started proceedings...

Rare. ...it might bring him to his senses.

Oh! Not a chance.

Same way in the office.

We've talked to him till we're blue in the face.

What?

Mmm-hmm. It's hopeless.

A man gets to playing the horses,

it's worse than drugs.

Horses?

Don't worry.

We can plead mental cruelty.

Oh, but that's wonderful!

Just put yourself in my hands.

Oh, and here I thought Steve was involved with women.

But horses...

Why, you can't hate a man for liking animals.

You mean, now you don't want a divorce?

Oh, shh! Don't even say the word.

Oh, if anything ever happened between Steve and me,

I don't know what I'd do.

Oh, I love him so.

[LAUGHS]

Waiter?

Could you remove that champagne, please?

It's a little early in the day for wine, don't you think?

Horses, huh?

Well, we've got to get hold of this thing

And stop it. We?

Well, certainly. To whom can I turn?

You're his best friend, his law partner.

Please, why don't we order?

The silly goose, why didn't he tell me?

Two filets of sole on the lunch.

Please, could you turn down that music?

I'm trying to talk business here.

WAITER: I'm truly sorry, sir.

How long has he been playing the ponies?

Oh, eight months.

Has he lost much?

Lost?

Well, of course lost.

Now, how much?

You know, right at the start he was winning.

Those diamond earrings he gave you for your birthday?

A horse called Uncle Joe paid a fabulous price.

Has he lost much since then?

Eight thousand.

Dollars?

What else?

Oh, I can't eat.

I want to think.

You think. I'll eat.

I've got a plan...

and I want you to pay attention,

because you are the most important part of it.

Oh, no.

Leave me out of this.

I know you from old.

You know the time you ran for councilwoman,

I made all those speeches for you.

One week before election, you switched parties.

After all he's done for you,

you owe Steve some consideration.

And he owes me $450, if you're talking about owing.

You mean, he's used all his money

and he's working on yours now?

Among others.

Well then, that's all the more reason why you'll want to help.

Oh, let me tell you.

Oh, please, Clint?

Please.

Okay, what's your plan?

Well...

Hey. Oh!

How's the case coming?

Brink is on the brink.

Ahh... My partner.

Here you are, here.

Excuse me. Had it waiting for you.

Thank you. Any action today, Mr. Flood?

I'll call it in later, Clutch.

Who's that?

That's my bookie Clutch.

Your bookie? Yep.

Um, Steve, um...

I may be in a position

to do you a little favor.Yeah?

Yeah. Ran into an old friend of mine yesterday.

What do you think he does for a living?

Bookie.

Well, who isn't?

Yeah, I'd like you to get together with this person...

This... this, uh, fellow.

What is this switch?

You're the one that's always complaining about me betting.

What's this? No, no.

This guy runs a very special operation.

Cash bonus if the customer loses $100.

[LAUGHS]

Track odds, Steve.

Pays off on the dot.

Theater tickets for two

if the customer has a one-month losing streak.

I think you're flipping, Clint.

Why don't you try this fellow?

Oh, it would be a change from that Clutch character.

Well, maybe you got something there.

Let me have his phone number and I'll...

Uh... Oh! I can't do that.

Why? Well, this, uh...

He wouldn't trust his own mother till he got to know her.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll put down the first few bets for you, huh?

See how it goes.

Forget it.

Forget it.

I don't see how this bookie of yours can operate.

Why not?

I mean operate without getting killed.

Why should he get killed?

Well, the syndicate.

Nobody can buck the mob and live.

Well, uh...

You remember One-Eye?

Yeah.

He didn't live a week after he opened shop.

They found him stiff in some alley

with the most unusual expression on his face.

Nobody bucks the syndicate.

That's, uh...

That's why this bookie of mine is so careful.

I think you'd better be careful, too.

Why didn't you tell me the elevator was bugged?

I don't know.

I think I'll give your bookie a try.

Good.

Yeah. I think I'll bet Blue Eyes in the fifth at Aqueduct.

I'll put 100 on him.

100? Mmm-hmm.

Might as well get off to a good start with this character.

Well, it's your money, but...Yep.

How are you going to pay if you lose?

You know, this character pays off every day.

You lose, he pays.

He wins, he wants his money.

That's reasonable.

We settle first thing in the morning.

Okay?

Okay.

[FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING] [ROZA VOCALIZING]

Ole!

Ole!

BOTH: Ole!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Just a minute, please.

Let me catch my breath. I've been dancing.

Could I speak with Mrs. Flood, please?

Senora.

Gracias.

Hello?

CLINT: Melanie.

Well, you're in business.

Made his first bet today.

Blue eyes in the fifth at Aqueduct.

In about half an hour.

How much? One hundred.

[RECORD SKIPS, MUSIC STOPS]

A hundred?

Is he out of his mind?

Remember, as of now, I'm his new bookie.

I'll take all his bets and all his money when he loses.

But where will he get the money?

He's got that all figured out, too.

Me.

Look, Melanie, I implore you,

drop this insane caper.

Now, we've got to think of something else.

Oh, nonsense.

It'll only take a few months,

a year at the most.

It'll be fun. You'll see.

Think of it. At the end of the year,

I'll be able to hand him...

How much did we say?

Oh, 8,000.

$8,000?

Oh...

Well, I hope the shock of it

will cure him so thoroughly...

Melanie, I just thought of something.

The syndicate.

If the syndicate finds out...

Oh, you've been reading too many comic books.

I'm booking 100 on Blue Eyes in the fifth at Aqueduct.

Melanie, I'm warning you.

Oh, look, I just have time to finish a chapter

before I run down for the results.

Oh, and, uh, Clint...

I did remember Acapulco,

and the violets

and the whiskey sour with a twist of lemon.

[BREATHES DEEPLY] And how strong your shoulders were on those water skis.

They're still as strong and as dependable as ever.

Bye. [LINE CLICKS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Clint.

Why don't you take care of your love life on your own time?

I was just calling the bookie to place your bet.

Bookie? If it's that much fun,

I'll have to try it some time.

What's his phone number?

I know. He doesn't even trust his own mother.

What's his mother's phone number?

Let's get to work, huh?

[GROANS]

[TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING]

Roza.

Roza!

Do you have to do that every time I start to write?

You got your work. I got my work.

That's show business.

[VACUUM CLEANER POWERS DOWN]

Sit down.

I might as well use you as a sounding board.

Senora,I have some beans in the oven.

Roza.

If I'm not dancing, I'm listening.

These are notes on chapter one

of an untitled work by Melanie Flood.

Very nice. Very good.

I go look at the beans.

Roza.

Sit.

And stay.

Now, we develop the character of a tall, leggy redhead

who's been through the gamut of love

from "A" to pick your own initial.

A cheerleader in high school,

she came to New York as a band singer

and got kicked around by men

till she had nothing to cheer about.

Ah, but now she is luxuriously holed up

in a lavish Wilshire Boulevard apartment,

paid for by a strange, mysterious,

overdressed, black-haired man...

Hey, those are our next-door neighbors.

That's very good, Roza! Oh, that's wonderful!

You see, a writer has to hold up a mirror to nature.

Senora,if that hoodlum ever finds out

you're writing about him and his girl,

he's going to break all your fingers... [MIMICS CRACKING]

[DOOR BELL BUZZES]

Oh, that'll be Saturday.

I asked her over for coffee.

I thought a little more research wouldn't hurt.

I'm warning you, you're asking for trouble.

[BUZZING CONTINUES] Will you please get the door?

Why don't you write a book about me?

Nobody would believe it.

[BUZZING CONTINUES] Oh.

Hello, Miss Knight...

Mrs. Knight.

Madame Knight.

Do you want three more shots for a quarter?

Hello, Saturday.

Oh, hiya, Melanie.

Gee, it's so nice of you to ask me over for java.

[CHUCKLES] Well, fine. Won't you sit down?

Roza, the coffee, huh?

You know, you're the only nice one in the whole building,

outside of the super. He had me over for a beer.

Oh.

Well, one day I'd like you to meet my husband,

and I'd like to meet your husb...

Uh... I mean...

Oh. Uh...

Is he in town?

Yeah. The ape just blew in.

I got a message we're having dinner tonight.

[SCOFFS] A message, yet.

Everything's done through a middleman.

Well, uh, nearly everything.

Oh.

What a piece.

Oh.

Yes. It's beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, do you know the interior decorator who's doing my joint

could learn something from you.

That clock is a French original.

Mmm!

Only one like it.

Ooh...

You know, we got the same kind of taste, kid.

How's about unloading it?

Oh. Aw, fishes.

Come on. Just name the price. Go ahead.

Tony's the last of the big spenders.

He'll buy me anything but a marriage license.

Well, I know how you feel about the clock, Saturday,

I felt the same way when I first saw it.

I'd sell my soul for this clock,

if I hadn't already sold it.

[TELEPHONE RINGING DISTANTLY]

That's my phone, isn't it?

I think so.

Probably one of the middleman telling me where to meet him.

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Tony's romantic that way. He never calls up himself.

He's afraid I might be putting it on tape.

Give me a rain check on the coffee.

Boy, I wish I was under 18.

I could sue the pants off of him.

You know something, Roza?

I hadn't noticed it before,

but Saturday has blue eyes.

And with her red hair, it's very attractive, and...

Blue eyes.

I'm going down for a newspaper.

Oh, and if the phone should ring,

take a message.

What will I do if I just hear breathing?

Breathe back.

Are you all right?

I think so.

You're not pregnant, are you, lady?

What happened?

I don't know. I guess you just passed out.

[GROANS]

Melanie.

Melanie, what happened?

Oh, Clint. Clint, look.

Oh, dear.

Uh, thank you, Officer. I'll take her home.

All right, all right. Break it up.

Get out.

You ought to take her to a doctor.

She might be pregnant.

I got a feeling for those things.

I delivered more babies

than any cop in my precinct.

Even delivered one in a bus going to the beach.

You better take her in for X-rays.

Thank you.

I'll take her in tomorrow for a complete physical.

Also a complete mental.

[CAR HONKS]

You almost got killed.

Hey.

$1,800 this comes to.

$1,800 you got to give to me

so I can give to Steve

when he comes crashing through my door.

Where am I going to get $1,800 by morning?

Before morning.

Well, then Clint, that's almost--

You have to help me now. Please.Oh, no. No, no.

You've done it before. Please. Don't... Just a minute...

I couldn't raise that kind of money

if my life depended on it.

It's up to you.

You must have something you could, uh...

Well, what do you mean? Something you can pawn.

The earrings.

You had them at La Scala.

Oh, no. Sure.

What do you mean "no"? You've got to raise $1,800 right now.

Oh, but... Now, wait. See? It's after six o'clock.

You have a watch, it's got diamonds. That's the ticket.

Oh, Clint, no. Not the watch.We could get the money...

And also, there are no places open...Hiya, Melanie.

Melanie. Melanie. I was going to help you...

SATURDAY: Hello, Mr. Flood. Yeah...

Oh, this isn't Mr. Flood.

Well, you can't win 'em all.

Wait. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Saturday.

Saturday. You can't wait till Saturday.

Saturday Knight with a "K."

That was my next-door neighbor.

And if anybody knows where to pawn things, she does.

Now, she sings at the Blue Slipper.

You wait until I change and we'll go down

and catch her in her dressing room.

Next time she runs in front of a car, I'm going to let her.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Ah... Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh. Hello, Saturday. Um...

Hi.

Thank you very much for helping us out.

And you don't know how much we appreciate it.

And, uh, here's the jewelry.

Honey, you come to the right place.

You're as good as counting the cash right now.

Only thing, I have to get on the horn to my contact,

but first I got this rehearsal.

So catch me after the second show,

and I'll have it all set up.

Oh, but my husband mustn't know about this.

I get the picture.

Can we have a small meeting?

Tony bought this club, so he'd know where I spent my nights.

Looking at you two, I guess there's a lot to be said for the afternoons.

Oh, but it isn't that way.

Listen, kid, it ain't worth it.

When you got a beautiful apartment

and a real, honest-to-goodness husband, don't blow it.

Take it from a girl who's been left standing

empty handed in every church, synagogue,

and Buddhist temple in the neighborhood.

I'll get you the dough.

You didn't strike me as the type.

What do you got, a slow backswing?

Young lady, I don't know what lurid picture

you have in your mind about Melanie and me, but get rid of it.

The money is not for me it is for Mr. Flood.

Now, that's what I call gratitude.

Clint. Clint.

Listen, now, I'll go home,

and I'll meet you back here later and give you the money.

No, no. Oh, yes. What about Steve?

Well, tonight is the monthly meeting of the Hamilton Club.

Fine. And he never misses it.

I've... I'll leave a note that I've gone to my mother's.

I've got a meeting, too. Thank you.

No. Wait a minute. No. Clint.Please.

Hold on, honey. Listen, you can't let me down now.

No, no. Look, we're almost there.

Please, I'm not going to get involved with this.Please come on.

[EXCLAIMS PLEADINGLY] I'm not...

Pretty please, please, please, please, please?

Hmm?

[GASPS]

Konbanwa.

Hold.

Kiss for the master.

You're drunk. Only around the edges.

Come on, darling. Ah. Hold the sake.

Now...

Beautiful oriental robe for mama-san.

[HUMMING]

And a beautiful oriental robe...

for papa-san. Oh, you look pretty.

Now we both take hot bath,

burn incense, three sticks.

Are you insane?

Ah-so. Oh, really.

Now...

Sake to sip

during a lull in conversation. Voila.

And...

for Madame Butterfly,

a gift from the Orient.

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

[ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD]

Ha! Oh!

A jade necklace.

Oh, you spendthrift.

I just settled a case for a sizable fee,

and I just bought some things on credit, that's all.

What case?

The Bentley matter. I got $1,800.[GASPS]

Hey. Let's go heat up the sake.

Wait a minute. What about the Hamilton Club and the monthly meeting?

Who wants to spend a night out with the boys now?

Then cut the judo.

Remember, I took lessons, too.

All right, the best two out of three.

Oh, Steve!

I'm in no mood for a hot bath and incense or sake.

So forget it.

All right. We'll just spend a nice night out with a leisurely dinner,

cold bird and a bottle.

[SCOFFS] And I'll bring the cold bird.

If you want to take me out,

you can take me to the Blue Slipper.

Our next-door neighbor sings there.

Oh, why don't we just lie down and wait for our next-door neighbor

to come home and she'll sing to us.

It beats paying that cover charge.

All right. I'll go alone.

Wait for baby. Wait for baby.

Sayonara, sayonara.

♪ Well, sir, here's just how it stands

♪ You got romance on your hands

♪ The lady's in love with you ♪

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

This is the closest I've been to you all evening.

I saw you from the bar.

I thought I'd join you.

Well, why not, uh, Clint?

I mean, with all this extra room.

Hi, Melanie.

Long time no see.

Long time no see.

There's a new Chinese expression that's sweeping the town.

Waiter, pour scotch all over us.

Uh, vodka.

Vodka.

Shh!

Hey, Clint, this is a strange joint

for you to be seen in,

no matter who picks up the tab.

Yeah, I know the girl singer here.

♪ You better watch out

♪ 'Cause she's in love with you

♪ Dig ♪

[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]

Boy, she lives next door to us, you know,

and the guy that pays her rent

looks like Mack the Knife on a bad day.

So easy, huh?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hiya. Don't get up, even if you could.

Hello, Saturday.

Oh, Steve, this is our next-door neighbor.

Oh, hello, Miss Knight...

Mrs. Knight.

At least you left out the "Madame."

This is a fine place you got here.

Thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Well, skol.

STEVE: Sure it's cold. It's got ice in it.

In fact, she's my very best friend.

I thought her best friend was the guy who pays her rent.

You know, if you ever need anything,

all you have to do is call on Saturday.

Well, I'm glad you have a nice friend.

Yes. She's a wonderful friend. [CHUCKLES]

I'll certainly second that.

I like your dress very much.

Thank you, Melanie.

Oh.

Oh.

Boy, you... Clint, you sure are a wonderful,

and a great friend, and a partner.

This is going to be one night...

Let's you and I dance, huh, Melanie?

Oh, uh, not now.

Why don't you ask Saturday?

Oh, thanks. I'd love to.

[MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

I'm the party just loaned you the wood.

Baldy is the name.

Oh, oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Thank you very much.

Would you like to have a quick drink with us?

Oh, no, thanks.

When you're in my business,

you never know what's in the drink.

I can't understand it.

Everyone asks me to do them a favor,

and then they hate me for it.

Oh. This is Mr. Morgan.

Nice solid name.

He hates me already, too.

You know I'm a six-for-five fella.

Hmm?

Six-for-five.

That's when I borrow you five,

you pay me back six in one week.

[STAMMERS] That's 20% a week.

Look. A mathematician, yet.

That's my vigorish.

You want better interest, you go to a bank.

Look, my friend, it's illegal. You can't...

All right. All right.

Call me a sucker if you want,

but I'm gonna give the little lady a break.

For her, 10%.

10% a week is $180 a week.

I'm telling you, he's a genius with the figures.

There's no hurry about it, though,

just so long as you show up

with the vigorish every week

'cause any friend of Saturday and Tony Gagouts

is a friend of mine.

Oh, and if you ever need to wear these...

[GASPS]

Like an emergen...

Shh!

You be my guest.

Go try to be a nice guy.

Why, that dirty hood...

Melanie, this is no good. What could I do?

You can tell Steve all about it. That's what you can do.

Is your head on straight?

Can you picture me saying to Steve he didn't win $1,800?

No, but there are certain things that you can...

Don't be silly. What a ghastly, impossible mess.

What's done is done. Now tomorrow you can...

That's what I'm scared to death of.

Tomorrow, and the next day.

and if he should win tomorrow...

All right, baby.

Oh, you!

What did I do?

Last rack, fellas.

I got to bring home a piece of prune danish for my mother.

Gee, fellas, I was ahead $17.

You may never get to spend it.

T.G. wants to see you. T.G.

Fellas, please.

Can I go to St. Vincent's?

I want to light a candle.

You're Jewish, ain't you?

Sure, but I like to play the percentages.

Hold it. Get in there.

[TELEPHONES RINGING]

Mr. Clutch is here.

You may go in.

So, you're Clutch.

Yes, sir.

Do you smoke?

Yes, sir.

Smoke.

Yes, sir.

You in trouble.

I said, you in trouble.

[COUGHS] Yes, sir.

What kind of stupid answer is that?

Gimme the papers on this punk.

[UNIVAC WHIRRING, CLACKING]

You got a customer by the account number 267?

Yes, T.G.

You're a lying punk.

You ain't got that customer no more.

[STAMMERS] How do you mean, T.G.?

That account has been missing from the machine four days now.

Out of action.

But I... Shut up!

An $8,000 account missing from the machine.

$8,248.16.

You know why you ain't in a cement box

under the river right now?

Because you built up this customer in one short year

from a $2 slob

to a $50, $100 shot player.

That's why I'm giving you this chance.

But this Mr. Flood...

Stop!

Don't you never mention no names of a customer.

Nobody ever told you that before?

We deal with numbers.

Easy for the machine.

That's why every customer got a number, stupid.

Now,

I got a different question for you,

and I want a good answer.

[STAMMERS] Sure, T.G.

You taking this action?

T.G.!

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Lucky for you I get the same information from the UNIVAC.

I'm going to show you how it works.

You think of a name, any name.

Somebody you know.

Louie. Louie the Nose.

Good.

Louie the Nose!

[UNIVAC WHIRRING, CLACKING]

Louie the Nose is dead.

Louie?

When?

Ten minutes ago.

Where?

Boston.

[STUTTERING] How?

Knife.

Don't you want to know why?

Why?

He crossed the organization.

[CHUCKLING]

That's the UNIVAC.

Keeps track of the whole operation.

The horses, the numbers, the slots, everything,

right to the penny.

[SOBBING] How about that?

But it can't tell us who's grabbing the action.

Stupid machine.

Now, I could pick up this customer, whoever he is,

and I sweat it out of him.

But I don't like to do that yet,

because customers like this,

they don't grow on trees, huh?

So we got to keep him happy,

playing with us.

You follow?

So it's up to you, huh?

Me?

You want to get this customer back to us, follow?

But, T...

But what?

I follow.

And now, by the authority vested in me...[KNOCK ON DOOR]

...under the laws of the sovereign state of California...

Excuse me. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Can I talk to you, Judge, please?

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry. It's an extreme emergency.

We'll have you married in a few moments.

This is an emergency, too, Your Honor.

I know. I realize how important time is to you.

Now, will you all step into the other room, please?

No. This way, please. This way.

I'm in big trouble, Judge. You got to help me.

Sit down, Clutch. I'll be with you in a moment.

That couple can wait to get married.

I don't give it more than six glorious months, anyway.

Okay, Clutch, what's on your mind?

Well, Your Honor,

a couple of days ago I'm in the poolroom, and I was about to...

Have a cigar.

Wait.

Flood, Flood,

a mutual friend has asked me to lend my good offices,

as the saying goes,

to bring you back into the fold.

Fold? Who's the mutual friend?

I'll put it to you straight, Flood.

Uh, Clutch is sick at heart at your defection.

Clutch?

He's heartbroken, the poor little fellow.

He's asked me to talk to you.

Well, what gall.

Now, now. He supports his poor old mother.

He told me he thinks that you're...

you're sore because you're a continuous loser.

Well, who's a loser?

Huh?

I just won $1,800.

Are you getting inside information, Flood?

Better than that.

What do you mean better than that?

Getting away from Clutch, that's what.

That he was my jinx.

Now, my new bookie,

he's fabulous.

Get this.

If I lose $100, I get a cash bonus,

and he pays track odds.

Dinners with wine.

Theater tickets!

Flood, do you know this of your own knowledge?

That's all unimportant.

The switchover is what did it, getting rid of clutch.

I wouldn't go back to Clutch if he stood on his head.

You know,

if I didn't have this darned streak of loyalty to the boy,

I'd be inclined to dump him forthwith

and take on your fabulous bookie myself.

I'm afraid that would be impossible, Your Honor.

I... I beg your pardon?

Well, um, my bookie, you know, he...

He doesn't want too many new customers.

I had a tough time latching onto him myself.

You see, he's bucking the syndicate, and...

Well, he's got to be very careful. Careful beyond reason.

He wouldn't want his phone number to get out.

Look here, boy!

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

There's no actual reason why I can't lay down a modest piece of action

through you on this fabulous bookie.

Well, I don't think so.

Well, he doesn't limit the amount of your bet?

No, he doesn't.

Well, why not, then?

I'll tell you what.

I'll make him do it.

After all, what are friends for?

By heaven, Flood, you're a good sort.

Oh, that's all right. [CHUCKLES]

Counselor?

Unless you can produce evidence,

it seems to me that the plaintiff in this lawsuit

will be entitled to recover

on his claim for breach of contracts.

Psst, psst.

Uh, excuse me.

Yes, Your Honor?

Pardon us.

[WHISPERING]

Would you mind sitting at the counsel table for a moment?

Now, this is a sure thing, Sydney. What do you say?

No, thank you.

I feel I am not upholding the dignity of my high office by betting on horses,

especially since you've given me nothing but losers.

Look, this is different. I didn't pick this one.

We're riding with Maharajah in the seventh at Aqueduct.

Fifty to win. Each of us.

You know, Plimouth

if I hang around with you much longer,

I'm going to wind up on the other side of this bench

facing somebody like me.

I couldn't stand it.

Fogel, you're too cynical.

Now, here's a lad who's been a steady loser.

He changes his bookie and promptly collects $1,800.

The change brought him luck.

You can't deny the existence of luck.

No.

I think that's how you got your law degree.

Scoff away.

You'll whistle a different tune when Maharajah wins.

Gentlemen...

I have considered this case very carefully.

I am going to give you until ten o'clock tomorrow morning

to furnish any additional proof on behalf of your horse...

I mean, client.

Court's adjourned.

[STEVE SINGING] ♪ Whoo, Maharajah

♪ What do you do do?

♪ Maharajah ♪ [VOCALIZING]

Hey, baby, you didn't put your robe on.

Go to bed, papa-san.

Right. Yours. Your bed, right?

Right? Right.

And you kids are still a little too young.

[CHUCKLES]

Baby. Oh, Steve. Please, I'm tired.

How about a little coffee? It'll perk you right up.

I think not.

Sugar and cream. Perk you right up.

Uh, cigarette? Chocolate bar?

Huh? Choc... Ooh...

Hey, look at this.

This little piggy went to the market,

this little piggy stayed home,

this little piggy stayed home with this little piggy...

Oh, baby, what's the matter?

A headache. Headache?

I can fix that up.

A headache. A little anti-ache.

This works but good.

Down the hatch.

It never works for me, so take it away.

Okay.

I got the sure cure.

Up you go. Up, up, up. [SIGHS]

And relax. Just relax. Just...

Let daddy take care of you.

Relax. Come on.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

That's better.

I learned this from a little masseur in the Orient.

You mean "masseuse."

I wouldn't know. I had my back turned.

Hmm...

That's better. That nice?

[MOANS]

[SIGHS] Delicious, huh?

[MOANS]

Couldn't get better treatment

if you were the Maharajah.

Good night! I'll sleep it off!

Oh, baby.

Oh, now, Steve, this is ridiculous.

I have a splitting headache. Go to bed!

But I don't want to go...

Will you please go to bed?

I won't go to bed. I'll take another shower.

A cold one.

Intermission.

Hmm.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[GRUNTS FURIOUSLY]

[UNIVAC WHIRRING, CLACKING]

Somebody told me you supporting an old mother.

That's right, T.G.

I think these guys woke her up.

It's the only reason I don't blast you.

'Cause I see from the UNIVAC

that you lost three more customers,

277, 281, and 284.

Hijacked, just like the first one.

Oh, they ain't been hijacked, T.G.

They just dried up a little bit because of no dough.

They run out of scratch.

It's only temporary, T.G. They're coming back.

You can say it again. They're coming back!

Because in the meantime, you paying what they would lose

if they did not get hijacked.

But that's four customers, T.G.

Big players.

I wouldn't eat.

Figure it out.

If you get killed, you don't eat, either.

Get them back or find out who's taking their action.

In the meantime, pay off like a man, huh?

Clutch.

One thing more.

Keep on supporting your mother.

Don't ever let me hear she ain't eating.

You ever get down to a spot

where you only got scraps left,

she gets them, not you.

Don't forget that, kid.

'Cause we only got one mother,

and that's a fact.

[SNIFFLES]

Melanie, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, well, cash will be good enough.

Uh, you see, every week, I have to come up with the vigorish.

SATURDAY: Tony!

I didn't get no message you were coming.

I'd have made some goulash.

Hey, don't knock me out with the goulash. Will ya?

I got problems. Lot of problems.

Oh, you got problems.

Why don't you lie down on the couch

and tell mama all about it?

Four top horseplayers hijacked out of action and no trace who done it.

Four players.

Some nerve, I must say, whoever he is.

Nerve? Yeah.

The guy's crazy, just plain crazy.

I mean, what could he get out of it except maybe a split head?

Nothing.

[CLOCK CHIMES]

Hey.

Gee whiz, where did you get that?

That's beautiful.

Look.

Yeah, and all these pots here.

Where did you...

What, did the decorator pick these up for you?

I've been making the acquaintance of my neighbors.

No kidding. You mean that lawyer in 12A

and the great-looking chick he's married to?

What do they want with you?

I have coffee almost every day with Melanie Flood,

and I just bought some of these pieces from her

to fill in the spaces like.

Yeah, well, listen,

whatever she wants to sell, you buy.

It's got class.

Well, drop a few Gs in the cookie jar.

Class doesn't come cheap.

Keep cultivating.

You know, one of these days,

I'm gonna invite them over here for dinner.

You'll see what I mean.

Well, I ain't suggesting anything...Ow!

But like it would help if we were married.

Now, listen, honey,

I'm a guy who deals in numbers and averages.

My whole life I spend trying to beat the price.

The day that marriage becomes a good bet,

I'll get in touch with you.

[BONES CRACKING] [MOANS] Keep rubbing.

You still got that headache?

Yeah, it's... it's killing me.

Night.

Good night.

Oh, by the way, Mel, I've been meaning to ask you...

Ask me?

Yeah. What happened to all the furniture in the apartment?

What do you mean? I...

I told you about the porcelains and the clock and...

Night.

Uh, what happened to that coffee table?

[STAMMERS] Oh, that. Well...

That's out being refinished.

You know, it takes a while.

Night. And. And...

That desk, the beautiful desk that I like so much.

What happened to that thing?

Oh, kiss me.

How about the Greek statue out...You just kiss me...

[BOTH MOANING]

What am I complaining about?

We still have the beds. Yeah.

Can I talk to you... Not now, clutch.

Please. Please Mr. Sanford I'd like to talk to you.

You can't come in here. I'm sorry.

Please, Mr. Sanford, listen... Clutch...

If T.G. finds you here in his sanctum sanctorum, I grieve for you.

What more could happen to me?

Please. You know the spot I'm in.

I'm a fellow human being.

Help me.

Clutch, I'll help you.

Although I don't exactly think of you as a fellow human being.

Come on. Tell me the whole story right from the start.

Well, it all started with this lawyer,

Steven Flood on Wilshire Boulevard.

He lost $8,304.16 in five months' play.

All of a sudden, he owed me $200,

and it took me a long time to collect, but he finally paid.

And the next day, I lose this judge, Judge Boatwright.

The next day, I lose another judge, Judge Fogel.

The day after that I lose... Another judge.

No. No, the day after that...

the day after that I lose a brother-in-law.

Brother-in-law?

Now, wait a minute. Let's recapitulate.

Are you sure that on the very next day

this first judge deserted you?

Sure.

How do you know?

Because my little book here,

and also the UNIVAC machine came up on the red.

Maybe it was the green or maybe it was the blue,

but it was on the UNIVAC machine.

All right. All right. Hold it. Hold it.

Did this Flood happen to have a case

before Judge Boatwright on this particular day?

Sure, the Ruby-Schwartz matter.

Ah, now, look, here's an address

of a private detective agency

we have occasion to use.

Very proficient with a wiretap.

Won't cost you much.

Just mention our name,

and they'll give you the usual discount.

Wiretap? What for?

You start with the lawyer's office

and I don't think you have to go any further

to find out what you want.

Gee, thanks. Thanks, Mr. Sanford.

I'll drop you at the office.

I have to pick up Steve.

We're driving to Pasadena, to Mother's.

Well, today may be your lucky day.

Oh?

Steve has given me $200 to bet on a horse

that's spent the last three years on a stud farm

and that is not a good way to train.

$200?

Well, who's the horse?

Oh. [CHUCKLES] A creaking zombie by the name of Sadness.

I've asked around, and people who know

say that they only allowed this horse to enter for sentimental reasons.

You see, she's got a few children in the same race.

It's 80-to-1 on the morning... Ooh.

Race goes off in a little while.

Oh, dear.

80-to... Say, suppose Sadness wins?

Wins? Well, you just said that...

I know what I said. I'm saying just suppose.

Oh, don't be crazy.

80-to-1, why, that would be, um...

That would be $16,000!

Oh!

Oh... $16,000.

Can't win.

16,000...

Gee. By the way, how are you paying off this Baldy character?

Oh, one way or another I come up with the wood.

For instance, I asked Steve for some money for some clothes.

Now he can afford it.

Listen, Clint,

you don't suppose that just by the slightest...

Oh! Not the slightest. 80-to-1. [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Can you picture yourself sashaying up to Steve

and saying, "Steve, honey, I need $16,000

to buy a dress or some shoes or something"?

[BOTH LAUGH]

It's the good lord's blessing

to have a racetrack near one's place of employment.

Shut up, laughing boy.

Do you want the whole world to know we're here?

Don't be a crepe-hanger. This isn't as if we're here all day.

We're only here for the one race.

Oh, there's Sadness. Hello, Sadness.

I'm your friend, remember?

Do you think he's sweating too much?

Well, if it isn't Judge Fogel.

Remember me, Heimie Strauss?

You gave me 5-to-10 on a bum rap.

Oh.

Hey, you don't have to be ashamed to talk to me, Judge.

I'm a reformed character.

I got an honest job

selling prefabricated bomb shelters.

All different colors.

Here, have my card. You may need one.

Even if there isn't a war.

Hiya, Judge, trying to improve the breed or something?

Judge Fogel, glad to see you out here.

It means some poor bum

ain't getting the book thrown at him.

What time does your mother expect us, honey?

In about a half hour.

You mind if I turn on the radio?

This station has classical music.[RADIO CLICKS]

You? Classical music? Since when?[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, it soothes me after a hard day's work.

[CHUCKLES]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON RADIO]

MAN ON RADIO: Late sports flash...

The results of the seventh race at Hollywood Park.

The winner... Sadness,

the place horse, Gone Goose.

Tricky One ran third.

I'm sorry, buddy, but I know how you...

Here, let me help you. Here.

Look, I know how you feel, buddy,

but you see what...

Oh, no, you wouldn't belt a woman, would you?

I wouldn't, huh? I wouldn't, huh?[CAR HONKS]

No, no. Wait, look. I tell you what... I don't blame you.

It's all her fault.

I'll be your witness. Okay?

Look, I'll give you our license number,

the name of our insurance company...

It hurts me here.

Yeah? Well look, and if there's anything I can do

to expedite the payment of damages,

you just call me, all right?

Now come on, get right back in the car.

It hurts you here, I know. Look...

[CARS HONKING]

Everything's going to be okay.

Move over, honey. I'll take the wheel.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING ON RADIO]

Yeah. I told you Beethoven's music

is the best music in the whole world.

And don't you worry about the damages to the car.

I'll pay for it.

MAN ON RADIO: Late sports flash...

Sadness, the winner of the seventh race at Hollywood Park,

has been disqualified.

The second horse, Gone Goose has been declared the winner.

Oh, mister, please, I'm terribly sorry,

but let's not make a scene about it.

Now... don't!

[SHATTERING] Oh, no.

Oh!

Oh! I'm terribly sorry, sir,

but really, there's a wonderful little Japanese store

just right down here, and you'll be able to have it fixed.

Oh, and I'm really sorry. It's all his fault,

but our insurance will take care of it.

It hurts me over here. I promise.

Oh, you poor man. I'm sure it does.

MAN ON RADIO: With the disqualification of Sadness,

the new winner of the seventh race,

Gone goose, is now being led into the winner's circle.

Hurts me here.

JUDGE BOATWRIGHT: They can't do it!

Sadness beat Gone Goose by five lengths.

They can't disqualify him!

It won't stand up on appeal. Don't you understand.

It's the abuse of discretion

by the racing commission.Let's go.

I'll institute the case at once.

Can I count on you as a friendly witness?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Okay, pal.

I think you'd better take your friend home.

Never saw him before in my life.

What? Hey...

I tell you that you can't disqualify that horse!

I'll take it to the supreme court!

MAN ON RADIO: They're coming up to the wire.

It's Sadness the winner,

Gone Goose second, and Tricky One third.

Ladies and Gentlemen, after viewing the picture of the race,

the stewards took down Sadness' number

and declared Gone Goose the winner.

I give up. Who is it?

When are you coming to bed, darling?

In about two quarts.

Well, I've laid out your robe, papa-san,

and a nice hot bath is ready,

and we're going to get rid of all that nasty tension.

Melanie, there comes a time in every man's life

when he wants to be alone with his thoughts.

Whether he has any or not.

I'm sorry, master.

I'll wait for you in our humble bedroom.

Believe me, it's going to be pretty humble tonight.

You may not believe this, my love,

but I understand exactly how you feel.

One thing I hate is an understanding wife.

I'm going out and get a drink.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

And put a cover on that birdcage,

'cause when I get back, I don't want to hear anybody singing.

[CHIRPING CONTINUES]

Melanie, really, this is getting to be too much for me.

You've got to figure some way to call this whole thing off.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Yesterday was the breakthrough,

the end of the winning streak.

Lay you 8-to-5 he loses today, too.

CLINT: Sure.

He's ready to see you now, Miss Betts.

This way, please.

Yeah, well, all right, you asked for it.

Today's bet is Zoomar in the eighth.

MELANIE: Zoomar?

[LAUGHS]

CLINT: What's so funny?

Zoomar. Oh, those names.

I tell you, they're the cutest.

Oh, well, yes. See how cute this is.

Zoomar is going at 60-to-1,

and the bet is $300. [MOCK LAUGHING]

Wonderful.

[SPLUTTERS]

Sure, 18,000 if he wins.

Melanie?

Mmm-hmm?

You still there? Well, good.

And if by any chance an accident happens, Melanie,

and you have to pay out the 18,000,

I want you to please feel free to call on me

for anything up to $16, $17.

[MOCK LAUGHING]

Okay, let's go.

All finished, boys?

I think the trouble's all cleared up now.

That's nice. Thank you.

I don't know why you picked this particular place to come to.

Well, this used to be my favorite trap in my bachelor days.

Oh, it's you again. Two whiskey sours and a twist of lemon?

Welcome to the club, Clint.

I'll turn the music up in case your girlfriend shows up.

Would you get lost? Get lost, will you?

Two scotches, Giuseppe.

Drink them both. I'm leaving.

We got a case to try.

I know why you invited me to lunch,

and I'm still not telling you the bookie's name.

[MOCKING] I'll see you in part five.

Hi, Flood.

Oh, hi, Judge... Hi, Judge.

Well, did you find out?

No. Nothing. I tried everything.

I even offered to buy him his lunch. Nothing.

I'd like to remind you, young man

that if we win on Zoomar...Shh!

As I was saying, if we win on zoomar...Shh!

We've got $18,000 coming.

That's a lot of money to be floating

around a big city like this.

In all this smog and everything.

We want to know who this bookie is.

I'd rather know where he is.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Let's have Morgan followed,

and then we'll find this character ourselves.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

He's got to meet him someplace, sometime,

and if we have him tailed properly,

we'll not only find our bookie but we'll find $18,000.

Wonderful!

I can get a detective at the D.A.'s office.

Moriarty will let me have one.

You want that political hack

to know you're betting on the horses?

Just when I'm coming up for reelection?

Use your head, Boatwright.

Hey, your brother-in-law, Mr. Goody.

Can he do it?

Sure, he's got an incentive.

He has 75 bucks going on it himself,

and he looks part Indian.

[GRUNTS]

And Morgan's never met him.

Herman, you've got yourself a job.

You get over to part five with Steve,

wait there till they finish that case they're trying,

and then tail Morgan.

Oh, boy, this is exciting!

This is like planning a crime,

and there's no flaw.

Yes, there is one big flaw.

How to get Morgan out of court

before the race goes off?

Five o'clock.

You know who's trying our case? Old Judge Swinely.

He tries a traffic violation

like he's Justice Frankfurter.

There ought to be some way

we could get him to adjourn early.

I could yell, "They're off and running,"

but he's not a horseplayer.

He's a stubborn son of a... Gun, you know,

but I'll figure a way out.

See that you do.

I've known you for years as a young man

who'd try any low, sneaky, lying trick in the courtroom

to hoodwink some unsuspecting magistrate.

Make certain you live up to your reputation.

Thank you, Counselor. Not at all.

Oh, Your Honor, please,

I see by the clock where it's only 20 minutes past 4:00.

Now, may I suggest we continue on with these witnesses

no matter how long it takes?

We will not continue right on, sir.

Why, you ought to know better.

These witnesses have their rights, too, and homes to go to.

Recess. Tomorrow morning, ten o'clock.

Ooh!

Oh, Clint, I'm going back to the office.

Now, if you ask me, you'd better hustle over

to that bookie and keep an eye on him,

'cause in an hour, he may be on a slow boat

to a Chinese racetrack.

Look, my good friend,

I'm getting a little sick of this.

I'm sick of you.

I'm sick of those two jerks in the black nightgowns,

and I'm sick of Zoomar,

and I hope he does take a slow boat, huh?

What do you think of that?

I think you're sick.

Zoomar...

$18,000.

Oh.

Oh, Clint.

I see your wife fainted again.

Well, I'm glad you were here.

Well, the X-rays come out all right?

Beautiful.

What does it look like, a boy or a girl?

Who can tell? Might be a horse.

[LAUGHS]

The dingo there is a good man.

He never makes a mistake about a thing like this.

But there could always be a first time.

Then there could be a last time, too.

Gentlemen,

we going to make a call.

We get to the bottom of this.

Do we need the artillery, T.G.?

Sure.

Unless you object on religious grounds.

Uh, T.G.,

do you think this is sensible?

It may not be worth all this trouble.

After all, it's only four horseplayers missing.

Four horseplayers today,

tomorrow the world!

GOODY: Psst! Psst!

Oh, there's Goody now.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Hey, I live here.

I know, I just saw them both go into your apartment.

Clint and my wife? They went up.

Are you trying to start a rumor?

No. I saw them go in.

Why, the...

Don't jump to any hasty conclusions.

Circumstantial evidence points to a little afternoon indiscretion.

Matinee madness, I think they call it.Matinee madness?

Take it easy boy.

To think that my wife turns out to be his uncle.

I'll kill him! Stay calm.

Restraint, my boy. We all realize the unwritten law,

but don't kill him till we get the name of that bookie.

There's $18,000 at stake.

Goody, you stay here and keep an eye out.

But you can't run away.

Of course I can. I'm tired of fainting.

But we can explain.

Oh, that he didn't win $18,000?

Melanie.

That it was a big joke. No, Mel...

Oh, come on, you don't really know my husband.

About a year ago, Steve stepped into this dining room,

looked angrily at this beautiful table setting

that I'd spent four hours preparing.

He grabbed the Belgian lace tablecloth

and jerked it into the air like a maniac.

Without a word, he stalked out. That's my husband.

But why?

I had starched his shirts.

Good-bye, Clint.

Look, Steve... [CHUCKLES]

You'll never believe what...

I don't believe it.

Oh!

See what I mean?

CLINT: Steve!

Trying to sneak out of town like two thieves.

I can explain, Steve.

Well, you'd better come through loud and clear.

Look, Melanie and me...

Yeah?

Uh, Melanie can explain.

Go ahead, love, you start explaining.

Well...

Yes? Come on.

It was like this.

Hmm?

I can't explain it at all.

I didn't think so. Melanie, Melanie,

you don't appreciate that...I don't care.

Clint.

[MELANIE GASPS]

Restraint, my boy, restraint!

Remember, we want some information from this fine...

Okay, folks, okay. Just behave, and nobody gets blasted.

Everybody's here, T.G.

Just like it was a roll call or something.

Judge Boatwright and Judge Fogel and Mr. Goody,

and this is Mr. Flood.

And tonight I bring home my mother something nice.

Now, to get to the truth,

we separate the boys from the girls.

I learned from experience

that nobody likes to rat with a lady present.

Mr. Sanford,

kindly accompany Mrs. Flood into the kitchen.

Oh, well, it's right in here.

Fix her something tasty.

Excuse us very much.

We clean up this hijack nice and easy.

You're the first one, Your Honor.

I do not require you to take an oath, just talk.

I trust you know

you're breaking a few hundred laws, you hoodlum.

I'm convening a grand jury in the morning.

Your Honor, how many people you got

sitting on a grand jury?

Twenty-three. Why? Twenty-three.

I'll lay you 6-to-5

half of them are horseplayers.

What are you gibbering about?

Half of them are horseplayers.

So what are they gonna do with their action,

give it to the birds?

Go look for some creep independent

who maybe takes a powder if they win

or gets killed if we find him?

Look at you with all 'em brains of yours. You playing.

That's different. I play for a specific reason.

I don't expect to win.

They why do you play?

It annoys my wife.

Now, here's the question,

and I don't want you to plead the fifth.

Who's getting the action?

I don't know.

I give mine to my colleague Judge Boatwright.

He does the rest.

Don't try to extract any information from me.

I never violate a confidence.

Who grabs the action?

Flood.

Flood!

Mr. Flood, huh?

Now, don't misunderstand. He's no bookie.

It's just that we bet together. I give him my play.

What he does with it, I know not.

I suppose he knows not, too.

Will you hurry and get this lunacy over with?

I have some unfinished business.

Now don't be a dope, Mr. Flood,

and get yourself killed

just when we straighten out everything.

My friend over here is just dying to blast you.

He don't blast nobody in a week.

You in trouble.

No, you in trouble.

Are you familiar with the statute "breaking and entering"?

From childhood.

From childhood.

Who grabs your action?

That rat.

TONY: Your partner?

Until today.

Now, wait a minute!

Now, before you say something,

I'm going to tell you this.

Somebody's going to get hurt dead

if I don't get the answer!

Now, you the last one.

Who's getting the action?

Before I tell you anything, you got to promise... oh!

I promise you one thing,

that you drop dead in that chair

if you don't give me the answer.

Who is it?

Hey, leave him go.

[EXHALES]

Mrs. Flo...

Huh?

Mrs. Flood.

Mrs. Flood?

You mean to tell me that Mrs. Flood hijacked the four?

She only did it because she loves her husband.

She wants him to stop betting on horses.

Oh! That's the truth!

Hey, leave him go.

TONY: Mrs. Flood, huh?

You got a family?

A mother.

Why?

Because she's going to be a widow

if this don't check out, that's why.

Keep your eye on the attorney.

[CHUCKLING] Excuse me.

Mrs. Flood, you done something very bad.

Mr. Gagouts, I...

Mrs. Flood...

Now, I've been talking with Mr. Sanford,

and I got this wonderful idea.

According to him,

you handle more than 19 million horseplayers.

I finish him. I don't like bigmouths.

Well, you see, I'm a writer.

Oh, Saturday might have told you.

She's a bigmouth, too.

Well, if you became a publisher...Huh?

Oh, please bear with me.

Now, if you published my book

and sold it to these 19 million horseplayers...

Why they going to buy books?

Aha.

'Cause with every book, you give them a winning horse.

Winning horse.

Mrs. Flood, you know, you're a kook.

A genuine dyed-in-the-wool kook.

Oh, Mr. Gagouts.

TONY: Mrs. Flood.

Now, I have researched this entire venture,

and you can afford to give me a sizable advance royalty

because you could make a lot of money

as a respectable book publisher.

Mrs. Flood...

I got a deal with Mr. Bennett Cerf.

He don't take horse bets, I don't publish books.

Please follow me.

Oh, Melanie, this could only happen to... Tony!

What are you doing in this apartment?

I'm just cleaning up a little business here, kid.

This is like the finale. Stick around, huh?

Gentlemen...

Here is your bookie.

And it serves you good and right.

Try to sweat 18 Gs out of her.

Why, do you know what you can do with $18,000 these days?

Why, that's...

9,000 $2-bets.

We can only hope and pray

that all of us learn a lesson from this.

Don't play with crazy independents!

My representative Mr. Clutch

will be around in the morning

in the event that numbers 267,

277, 281, and 284

wish to place their wagers

with an old established firm.

I bid you adieu.

I just cooked a brisket of beef,

and we'll have potato pancakes and apple stru...

Shh. Not tonight, honey, not tonight.

I got to rehearse for an appearance

before the senate investigating committee.

Friday night, channel 5.

If either of you two delinquents

ever speaks to me again,

I'll have you disbarred.

Don't even appear in front of us.

I tell you this,

you couldn't successfully defend Dr. Albert Schweitzer

on a malpractice charge.

I'm sorry you lost all that money,

but don't blame Mr. Flood too much.

Maybe you'd like to stay for dinner?

Brisket and potato pancakes.

Take your hands off me, young lady, or I'll have you arrested

for peddling food without a license.

Brisket?

But you don't even know what I got for dessert.

Dinner? Brisket of beef and potatoes?

I know the menu.

I'm going to have the filet of sole on the lunch.

Melanie.

Darling, you won't believe this,

but I've got another wonderful idea.

Now, it's a mail-order scheme

and the way I figure it, in about three weeks...

In about three weeks, I'll be a camel driver in Calcutta.

You'll understand if I don't send for you.

Oh, darling, you're just tense.

Look, why don't you go out and have a drink.

By the time you come back, I'll have this whole thing worked out.

Yeah, I'll have a drink or two or three,

and then maybe I'll get enough guts

to come back and strangle you!

Oh, you're wonderful.

Hey, neighbor, I got something very important to show you

in my apartment.

A gun? You got a gun?

You got a knife? A rope?

A hammer?

This is my apartment!

These are all your things.

Melanie sold them to me

so she could pay you off when you won.

But...

No jury would convict me,

not even in front of Judge Fogel.

First I'm going to belt her a few hundred times.

Why? Because she sold all these beautiful pieces?

All the things she loved?

Because she wants her husband to herself instead of sharing him

with a 3-year-old who can go 7 furlongs in 1:23?

How could I not know this was happening right under my nose?

Because nothing was as important as a winner, you big ape.

I only wish that Tony loved me as much as Melanie loves you.

I've been with that joker eight years now

look what I got to show for it. Our album of memories.

Here's a picture of us together outside

The Criminal Courts Building in Chicago.

Tony was up for trying to bribe the governor. Acquitted.

I was his alibi.

You were his what?

His alibi. Here's another one.Alibi?

Yeah. In the visitors' room at San Quentin.

In the spring of '55, assault and battery.

They had to release him. I was his alibi.

You were the alibi, huh?

Yeah. Say, how about some dinner?

Oh, no. Let's keep looking through the album.

I'm a sucker for sentiment.

[UNIVAC WHIRRING, CLACKING]

Receipts are down in Sydney, Australia.

Now, you better have a good reason

for bringing this goofball up here,

otherwise you go the same way as Louie the Nose.

Mr. Flood here said he's got a big plan to help you out, and...

Mr. Gagouts, I want to sell you

an important piece of legal advice.

For how much, $18,000?

By a strange coincidence, that's the exact amount.

Hey, look, you and your wife are a couple of kooks.

I need bookends, I call you.

Any legal advice I want I get from the machine.

Never makes a mistake.

1944, bribery, acquitted, alibi.

1945, assault and battery,

released, alibi.

1946, income tax...

Hey! This is all history.

Any kid in the schoolroom knows this.

I know you don't trust lawyers, but neither do I.

But I'd like to see you put your trust

in this giant mechanical brain of yours.

Just don't let it sit there.

Do yourself a big favor, Mr. Gagouts.

Give all this information to that fine machine,

but also slip in this possibility.

What would happen

if the witness that you had in all these cases

would switch her evidence?

Nobody switches evidence on Tony Gagouts.

Not as long as we live in a democracy.

It'll only cost you a small electric bill to find out.

You afraid to find out?

Okay, wise guy.

Hey, check this out, Pierre.

And in the future,

take your action someplace else, will you?

I don't appreciate your type of clientele.

Well?

Give this gentleman 18 Gs from petty cash.

What's it say?

First,

statistics show

that 83% of the female population

changes their mind 97% of the time.

Secondly,

criminal code 3254 states

that a wife cannot testify against her husband.

I never thought I'd live to see the day,

but marriage has just become a good bet.

Hey! What's your hurry, Knighty?

I just got a call from one of Tony's middlemen.

I'm getting married.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you. There's only one thing that bugs me.

I don't know if I'm marrying Tony or the middleman.

What's the difference? As long as he likes your brisket.

How right you are.

Hi.

Hi. Hand-painted French provincial dinnerware.

Just what we need.

Oh, it's not for us. No, it's for our mail-order business.

We'll be flooded with offers.

Come on.

I pay $1 apiece for the plates

and then we sell them for $5.95.

Come on, Melanie.

Where? To sleep.

This has been a long, unbelievable day now.

Oh, no, later. You see,

I have to get out 100 plates a day to make my schedule.

Melanie.

Well, I guess I could work overtime tomorrow.

Oh, but we better bring the alarm clock in from the kitchen.

All we need is a calendar.

This is May 23rd.

With time off for good behavior,

you should be out by July 14th, Bastille Day.

Good morning.

Happy Bastille Day.

How you feeling, lady? Any better?

Oh, yes, just fine. He's taking me to the doctor's.

We think we're going to have a baby.

You and him are going to have a baby?

Congratulations! Say, what about the other fella?

Oh, it's all right. They're partners.

Uh-huh.

♪ Who's got the action?

♪ Who'll take a chance on love?

♪ Who's got a kiss for me?

♪ Give me one and get back three

♪ Who's got the action?

♪ Just lay it on the line

♪ I'll bet you 10-to-1

♪ You'll be mine ♪