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Most of us don't question
our sexual identity.

We know whether we're male or female.

For others, it's not so simple.

This person is a transvestite.

Transvestite's are men with an
obsession to wear women's clothes.

My sister, who was six years my junior,

was getting an incredible amount
of approval, love and attention.

And I-- I think I looked at
this in a great deal and said,

You know, maybe mom and
dad like a girl better than a boy.

Mother's clothes were
suddenly available. And I tried it.

This person is a transsexual.

Transexuals, feel they were
born into the wrong body.

And are driven to change their
sex permanently through surgery.

Why did you want to be a woman?

I just knew I was a woman.

It wasn't about wanting to be a woman.

I felt that I was misplaced.

In other words, the way my life developed,

I knew that I was supposed to have
been a woman and something went wrong.

I feel like I was born
with a birth defect and

I finally got it straightened out.

This film looks at people
living in a gender crisis.

Whose mind and body are in conflict.

Who must face every day with the question,
What Sex Am I?

The next GI from the
Bronx is back from Denmark,

where physicians'
converted him into a woman.

Here are the first motion
pictures of Christine Jorgensen, 26,

high heels, smart feminine attire,

and a friendly willingness
to meet the press.

In 1952, Jorge Jorgensen
sailed from New York to Denmark.

A year later, he returned home
a woman, Christine Jorgensen.

The world's first renowned transsexual.

Oh, yes, of course. What American
wouldn't be. Very happy to be back.

And I don't have any plans at the moment.

And I thank you all for
coming, but I think it's too much.

Thank you very much.

Now more than 30 years later.

Twice engaged, but never married
with an active career as an entertainer,

author and lecturer
Christine has no regrets.

You were a young kid
going to a foreign country

to have a so-called
sex change operation.

I didn't even know that the
sex change operation existed.

I knew they were
doing research in the

direction, but I wasn't
sure how far it had gone.

And even my doctors didn't.

How did you have the courage to.

I didn't think it takes
anymore courage to

do that than it would
be a person who says,

I'm riding in a wheelchair
and I want to walk.

I don't think that's
courage. I think it's need.

Christine Jorgensen's story
paved the way for other transsexuals.

A barrier was broken.

When the story broke.

Today, most of us are only aware of
transsexual celebrities like Christine.

Dr. Richard Raskin caused
controversy on the women's tennis circuit,

when he became Rene Richards.

James Morris, a British journalist
who had climbed Mount Everest,

shocked the literary world
when he became Jan Morris.

Karen Ulane had worked
as a pilot for 20 years.

After surgery, she filed a suit
against Eastern Airlines to keep her job.

She, too, became a celebrity. But
very few of these people make headlines.

There are, in fact,
over 6000 transsexuals

living anonymously in
the United States today.

Kathy is a 26 year old
man, in just a few days,

she will have major surgery at a
Texas medical center to complete

the transformation from male to female.

Kathy's feminine appearance is the
result of hormones and silicone implants.

She's been living as a
woman now for 18 months.

She's dancing in this club to earn the
money for her sex reassignment surgery.

Not a person in the audience
would suspect that Kathy is a man.

Were you nervous when
you went up for your first job?

Oh, but of course there
I was in front of a bunch

of men that were looking
upon me as nothing.

But a woman.

How does it feel knowing
that you're up there turning on

every man in the house,
you're fooling them?

A satisfied feeling. And yet
kind of little giggle instead.

These could have been the people
that were making fun of me at one time.

And here they are now enjoying
me. I've got the last laugh

I guess you would say.

You developed a way
of living in your own world

that cuts out a lot of the pain for you.

Oh, yeah. You have to. You have to
put that aside and go on with yourself.

You have to. Not let anything
stand in your way, especially in a

predicament like this.

So you just kind of build your
own little dream world and live in it.

Most transsexuals are
rejected by their families.

Kathy is one of the lucky few.

Her mother has taken
her first plane trip to

see her child through
the serious operation.

She does not wish to appear on camera

fearful of repercussions
in her small southern town.

How did you explain this
whole process to your parents?

When visited home I just had to
tell him and my father just went off.

For my mother, finally calmed him down.

And I just sat down with my mother
and tried to explain it the best I could.

It's still strange to her, still
unusual. But I have faith in her.

I'm sure she'll come through.

She said. She says, That's my baby.

And I look up to her.

I find her just one of the most
beautiful people that I've ever known.

I enjoyed my meal very much. I
didn't know what a good cook you were.

Kathy and her mother are having
dinner with Kathy's roommate, Mary.

Mary is also a male to female transsexual.

She had her surgery nine months
ago in a Galveston, Texas, hospital.

Mary is a great support to Kathy.

Why don't I like clean
the dishes and you like,

put them in the dishwasher.

I know you're not very
good in the kitchen.

I like your apartment very much.

It'll do until the right man comes along.

Kathy, what was your childhood like?

It was fun. It had a happy one, but it
just seemed like I liked feminine things.

Pretty things all the things that
anybody else didn't usually, like.

Kinda got a little hectic, you
know, name calling and such.

Like what? What kind of
names did they call you?

Oh sissy mostly that was the main one.

How did you feel? Was it painful for you?

Very much so. It hurt, it hurt real bad.

Suffered long.

Thank you for cooking the dinner sorry I
couldn't stick around and help you finish.

This is your holiday and
I want you to have fun.

Break a leg.

I could do better. And I think
Kathy's gonna do real good.

Yeah, we had some
real long talks about it.

Do you really feel I mean,
everything's natural completed?

For a while. I had my doubts.
And then about two weeks ago,

we had a real heart to
heart, hard knock down,

drag out, crying and
screaming and yelling.

And at the end of it, I said,
I'm just worried about you.

You're my friend and I
want you to be happy.

But I don't want you to do something
that I don't think you're ready for.

Don't worry about what other people
think because it's what you think.

And if you're not
ready, that's the worst

thing you can do. And
we talked a lot more.

And I finally came to the
realization that she is ready for it.

It is so crucial. I mean, if
such a decision to make.

She's ready. She's ready.

Kathy has been away for several years.

And I do get these pictures out
and look at them occasionally.

I look and I thought,
yeah, I can say those little

eyes. They are beautiful
and look sad they look.

But see, I didn't notice that it at the
time because we were a happy family.

Other than liking to play
dolls and all with his sister,

Glenn acted no different
than any other child at all.

But in the seventh grade,
names had been called like queer.

And he came home crying
and he didn't know why.

You know, why are they saying this to me?

And I said, honey, I don't know why.

I don't know why.

As with most transsexuals,
Kathy's struggle has been a lifelong.

The confusion and pain
began in early childhood.

Then comes the determination
to change the body, to fit the mind.

Surgery can only take place
after completing a rigorous program

demanded by the 40 reputable
gender clinics in this country.

Kathy had psychiatric evaluation and
counseling legal documents were changed

to conform with her new identity.

She successfully
completed the real life test

living and working as a woman
for the past year and a half.

She has taken
large doses of female

hormones, which she
must continue for life.

This operation is a well-established
medical procedure performed

by urologists and plastic surgeons.

Over 250 operations take place each year
at some 15 hospitals across the country.

Nonetheless, most insurance
companies will not cover the fee.

The cost of Kathy's surgery
is eight thousand dollars.

I need you to read this over
and see if you have any questions.

In signing this release
form, Kathy is giving

the doctor permission
to change her sex.

The operation will take
from three to five hours.

Her testicles and most of
her penis will be removed.

The remaining tissue and skin
will be shaped into female genitalia

and a vagina will be constructed.

Healing can take as long as six months.

Once she's recovered, Kathy can experience
sexual intercourse and orgasm as a woman.

But surgery does not
create internal organs.

She will neither menstruate, nor
have the capacity to bear children.

So I need you to sign right here.

This operation is irreversible.

We've heard other parents say that that
if their child did something like this,

they would rather die
than have their child.

No I've been hurt and
my husband's been hurt.

And we don't understand it all.

But to me, I love both of our children
and my husband loves both of our children.

And they're both special.

And I'm not the most
excellent person in the world,

nor is my husband.

And as far as I feel,
either one of our children.

No matter where or, no matter
what kind of trouble they got into

that they could call home or
come home. Just come home.

That's the main thing, is to come home.

Kathy's surgery lasted five hours.
There were no complications.

What causes transsexualism?

If you'd asked me ten years ago, I would
have said it was a psychologic phenomenon.

Some some abnormality in rearing or
family dynamics, et cetera, et cetera.

I've come full cycle. I really believe
it's a biologic and organic phenomenon.

From hormones, hormone
dysfunction or a hormone imbalance.

Yes, a hormone imbalance. But
probably that occurs prenatally

while the fetus is developing
within within the mother.

The hormones in the
uterus, while the baby's'

being formed may
set some kids up to be

more vulnerable to transsexualism.

And then it will require something else
in early childhood to, to kick it off.

What is the thing in early
childhood? Is there a common history?

We really don't know. We've
investigated all these families.

And we find that these people come
from many different kinds of families.

So we can't point a finger of
blame at the mother or the father.

Or a certain trauma at any particular age.

We sometimes think that the families are
a little bit similar in giving the kids

mixed messages about
sexuality, for example,

that you're a boy and that
you ought to act masculine.

But males are rude and they're abrasive
and they're ugly and they're vicious.

And never be like that. And they give kids
this kind of confusing messages.

Unlike Kathy, Jody, who is 45, had
some difficulty passing as a woman.

But her six foot frame
and masculine features

did not stop the yearning
to change her sex.

Why did you want to be a woman?

I just knew I was a woman.

It wasn't about wanting to be a woman.

I felt that I was misplaced.

In other words, the way my life developed,

I knew that I was supposed to have
been a woman and something went wrong.

I feel like I was born with a birth defect

and I finally got it straightened out.

Jodie is the father of three children.

She had transsexual
surgery three months ago.

At that time, she and her second wife,
Paula, had been married for eight years.

Jodie is now unemployed.

Why are you moving?

Well, because we ran
out of money basically.

I don't know how else to say it.

Jodie lost her job when she
went for surgery in December.

My income isn't sufficient
to support this operation.

So we've found a much
smaller place in San Francisco.

I think it will be okay.

The people I was working with.

Wanted me to wait.

And I had everything
set up I had it paid for.

I had the date booked
and transportation arranged.

And I just wasn't
willing to change all that.

Paula, is it usual for the wife of a
transsexual to stay in the relationship?

I don't know. I'm the only one I know.

I'm not willing to say
that there are none.

I don't have time to, anymore, to
go off creating lifelong relationships.

So that's why I stayed in this one.

Four months later,
Jodie is still unemployed,

despite 20 years experience
as a computer analyst.

I got to figure out why
I'm not getting a job.

Maybe they think my momma
dresses me funny or something.

See look at that.

Look at this.

God there's three, four columns.

I always don't know what to tell
them you know what I'm saying.

Well the truth usually works.

Truth hurts.

When did you meet Paula?

I met Paula in 1972.

We both started at a new
job about the same time.

What were the things
that drew you together?

I suppose drinking experiences.

I already had had considerable troubles
from drinking, so I stopped drinking.

And it was a funny thing.

I had more objectivity about her
drinking than I could about myself.

So I did try to help her any way I could.

Were you in love with her?

No that came later.

Are you in love with her?

Yes.

What are you to her now?

You're not her husband. What are you?

Well, we're lovers.

In California I'm legally a woman,
so I can't be married to Paula.

But in our minds, we're still married.

There's nothing that's really changed.

How did Jodie help you?

Well, I guess mostly by showing me that it
was possible to live without drinking.

What about your sex life together?

Well, now it's a different.

You've had a penis all
your life and you've used it.

Yes.

And you've had a lot of
sexual pleasure from it.

That's true.

How could you...

Well, how could you castrate yourself?

I mean, in a sense.

Well, my doctors warned me about that,
but that wasn't important to me.

It was more important to me to
be who I am than to worry about

trying to maintain the
equipment of a life that was a lie.

Did you try and stop
her from having surgery?

No. I only told her she
should do what she had to do.

But as a wife,
sure, I would have stopped it in a minute.

As a wife, as a friend,
I want her to have

whatever it is that's going
to make her life happy.

How did your parents treat you as a child?

I had the impression my
father didn't like me actually.

All my life, for a long
time in my early childhood.

My mother treated me like one of
the little girls and she used to tell me.

That men were no good and relative to my
genitals that I should have been a girl.

What do you mean?

Well, like my genitals
should have been inside

me instead of outside
and things like this.

How did she. How did she show that to you?

Well, she would like push
them in there and so on.

After a confused childhood
and traumatic adolescence.

Jodie joined the Navy, determined to
be the man his father wanted him to be.

The guys on the ship at the
time were calling me queer.

So then I thought my
problem was I wasn't manly.

So I began to invent a character to be.

I did a lot of heavy
drinking and I got in fights.

I went to jail and I learned how to really
yell at people like HOO frighten them.

And things like this.

And I became more and more macho.

What I really want to
do is just to run away.

Change my name, become a
woman and forget the whole thing.

Jodie, like most transsexuals,
tried to prove his masculinity.

He met his first wife and
fathered three children.

They stayed together 13 years.

I had worked real hard at college
and so on business and built up.

We bought a home,
lived up on top of the hill

and the sunset and
all that just evaporated.

And I felt that it was my fault.

I took all the guilt out of there in a
bag, you know dragging this bag around.

If I hadn't been a sissy or a queen or a
faggot, this would've never happened.

And everybody agreed with me.

Said, sure, you're right. And so
I've I just you know, in those days,

I considered suicide
on a very frequent basis.

I actually take a loaded
rifle and stick it in my mouth.

And sit there with my
thumb or toe on the trigger.

You know, try to make up my mind
whether or not I should kill myself.

I just didn't really want to
do that. I didn't have the guts.

Although two of Jodie's
children have rejected her.

She and her third child
have built a new relationship.

You feel about your
dad, being a transsexual.

She's a lot more sensitive
outward than she used to be.

She was always very masculine
and and would never show

feelings of hurt or anything like
that. There was always anger.

And now she's really sensitive to people.

Do you feel that there are certain
aspects of Jodie that have changed

since he became a she?

Um. More closeness.

So what do you have?

You have another mother.

Yeah. Add another one to the stack.

What frustrates you most
about yourself as a woman?

Well, in my case, I had to work
very hard at appearing as a woman.

I have electrolysis treatments,
for example, on my face.

No, not now.

Also working on
voice training, it's

very hard for me I
keep slipping back,

although I have come an
incredibly long way with my voice

it's still a problem for me.

No, there's no one home at all.

Not on the ground.

I also had to learn how
to dress conservatively

and not appear
outlandish in society.

What do you find most beautiful
about yourself as a woman?

Well, for the first time in
my life, I'm 100 percent out.

I just don't have to put up
any more bullshit images.

So there's no alternative for me now.

In other words, if I can't
make it in society as

a woman, then I just
can't make it in society.

And I can't go back.

And I just considered I would rather kill
myself than just think about going back.

I think the most important
thing about the transsexuals is,

this is not something
someone does on a lark.

This is not something they chose.

These people have felt this way and wanted
this usually since earliest childhood.

And they fought it and they
fought it and they fought it.

And even though they may appear to
family and friends as having been normal

happy kids or teenagers,
they were living a private hell.

With a lot of depression,
self-hate, fear of discovery.

And it's not as if one day
they choose to, oh, I give up,

I'm going to go get a sex change.

One day, the burden of living
a lie just becomes intolerable.

They simply cannot go on
any longer as they have been.

And then they will
announce their intentions.

Again it's not choice.

It's not something that they
jumped up that rainy Tuesday.

It's been with them for
years. And it's not easy.

You just don't go into a hospital one day
and come out the next as a new sex,

not just a sex change operation.

It's a long series of
procedures with hormones,

shrinks, electrolysis,
changing legal papers,

facing job discrimination and
sex discrimination in the new life.

And I really have to admire the guts
of those who go through it and survive.

Surgery is clearly not the
answer to all sexual problems,

and it can have terrible consequences.

Clifford is 35 years old and
lives in Northern California.

He comes from a military family
and a fundamentalist church.

A gay man desperately
running from his homosexuality.

He tried to resolve his
conflict by becoming a woman.

When did you first feel
that something was wrong?

That was probably when I got married.

My sister had gotten married.

My brother got married and I was
the only one who hadn't gotten married.

My folks kind of made me feel that
I was obligated also to get married

and have a family like
my brother and sister.

Did you hate the idea
of being a homosexual.

I was afraid because
at the time I felt from

what society was thinking
about homosexuals

that there are sick people,

it's abnormal behavior
and should be destroyed.

Nor is there also the
possibility that I might

get locked up for life
because of that behavior.

And you went to therapy?

Yes, I went to a therapist.

Clifford was not part of a
reputable gender program.

In gender clinics, a safe
place is provided to anyone

who wishes to examine
their sexual problems.

Therapists find that nine out of 10
patients who think they are transsexuals

decide not to go through with the surgery.

Clifford, on the other hand,
read books on transsexualism

and convinced doctors that
he was a candidate for surgery.

When it came surgical
time, I was so drugged

out of it that I couldn't
stop the surgery.

I couldn't call my friend
to say, come and get me.

I only remember going into the
surgery room just a few moments.

Kind of like, you know, how
you flash in and flash out.

I saw the anesthesiologist for
probably about two, three seconds.

I tried to make a sound
to him saying stop and

the reason I couldn't
get it out of my mouth.

My mouth was open. Nothing would come
out of my mouth to say, don't do this.

Next thing, when I woke up, it was
probably about a day and a half later.

And it all happened.

And I know I was totally delirious.

I want to pull what you
call the catheter tube out.

I wanted to leave the hospital.

Wasn't worried if I was gonna
bleed to death or not bleed to death.

I mean cause I felt the end of the world
had come for what had happened to me.

I don't know it's really been a big
tragedy and since then I've been trying

and trying to resolve this,
what has happened to me?

The tragedies of having my penis removed.

Clifford tried to get legal
classification as a mutilated male.

In order to obtain
state aid for the $20,000

necessary for
reconstructive surgery.

His request was denied. But no
surgery can restore functioning genitalia.

Why would some find it more acceptable
to be transsexual than homosexual?

It's ah, many research studies have
shown the kind of bias that goes on here.

Transsexualism is
considered a medical problem.

It's treated by hormones,
it's treated by surgery

and therefore has
that medical legitimacy.

Homosexuality is still among some people,
is considered a moral problem

or religious problem
with sinful transvestism

is considered a
psychiatric problem.

So if you had your choice between having
a moral problem, a psychiatric problem

or a medical problem, you would rather
label yourself with a medical problem.

Prostitution is a fringe
underworld in most large cities.

These prostitutes in San Francisco
are transsexuals and a new phenomenon.

The She-males. Women from the
waist up, men from the waist down.

They pass so well for women now
that many johns never know that their

lady of the night is no lady.

Maybe 5050.

For some, this kinky new
phenomenon is a big attraction.

None of these women were born female.

Availability of female hormones,
silicone and plastic surgery

has opened the doors to
anyone who can pay for it.

Drag queens and male hookers can
fulfill most of their wildest fantasies

thanks to medical technology.

Had you gone to bed
with guys when they

haven't known that you
had a penis down there?

They never knew.
How come you tucked it away or what?

Cause I'm brilliant.

What do you consider
yourself? You consider a woman?

A woman?
Okay, look.

Yes a woman.

What a woman. Women. You have to remember
it's the gender we're born under.

Because of the fact I still have a penis
doesn't make me less of a female.

Okay, well, what he did is he he injected
silicone in these spots up in my breasts.

Yeah.

And if it falls down into where
you have like an underwire bra.

Yeah. And it holds up under here.
Right.

And the more treatment you get the more
it builds up and it has that softness.

Just like any other woman's breast would.

And what did you do?

We inject in the sides
in the hip to give you

that curve, and then
in the, in the buttocks.

Very shapely, makes me more of a
woman. That's what silicone is about.

Who do you go to bed with? Only guys?

I go to bed with women and guys.

Only men for you?

Well no men and women, I like both.

Are you gonna go through with an operation
are you gonna become a trans.

Or are you gonna stay like
part woman and part man?

I'm already a transsexual woman,
and I am going to go through

with the complete transition
which will end up in surgery.

That's right.

Transsexual heaven, gay boy heaven.

And that's why we all do what
we wanna do and look like we look.

The theatricality is
a stamp of this life.

Hunger for attention
with the courting of risk.

While night people are the most
visible members of the sex change world,

they're the smallest
fraction of it in numbers.

This is suburban San Jose, California.

There are other men who
dress in women's clothes,

but they have a lifestyle
totally opposite to the She-males.

Far from being exhibitionists,

these are men in hiding who have an
uncontrollable obsession to cross dress.

This is a transvestite.

He is a member of
one of 300 transvestite

groups that meet in
secret across the country.

Explain what the necessity is.

Everybody has a way
of relieving the pressure.

Everybody does.

Some people drink.

Some people gamble.

Some people jog.

It doesn't matter.

You know, my way of
relieving that emotional

pressure within me
is to cross-dress.

It's very difficult to explain.
It's just a compulsion.

I would do it.

The average person who walks
into my office for the first time walks in

with the expectation that
I'll cure them and they'll say,

I'm here to stop cross dressing.

It causes me pain, cure me.

And then I let them know the bad
news, which is there is no cure for this.

These people are almost
always heterosexual,

most often married
men with children,

most often in very
masculine, even macho jobs.

In fact, many of them,
their masculine career

has a uniform of its
own police officer,

military officer, construction worker.

So their masculinity
has a set of clothing

and their femininity
has a set of clothing.

The first time I can remember
putting on any female clothing

would be in the area of
ten to eleven years old.

And. And whose clothing was it? Mothers.

In the beginning did you
masturbate with women's clothes on?

Very definitely, yes. Did everybody?

Yeah, sure. Did anybody here
who have homosexual experiences?

No, absolutely not.

Though I had a great feeling that I
was a homosexual because of this.

Were you afraid that
you were a bad person, all

the things that were
tossed at you by society?

My concern was in explaining to my son,

that I was a transvestite
and in the beginning

he was hostile.

But he came up to me one day
and he put his arms around me, and

he says, I don't care
that you are a transvestite.

I know that you love me.

Guilt is a terrible thing to have around.

And when you can't
express yourself as a human

being in, in whatever
that happens to be,

whatever you as an individual are.

Then you're going to
generate a tremendous

amount of guilt and it'll
react in various ways.

I had a phone conversation with somebody
on the phone a couple of weeks ago,

and I told him I was writing
out a will and my will was one,

that I would be cremated at my death.

But at the laying out
prior to the cremation.

I would be laid out as
Maria, not as my other half.

And the person on
the phone said to me,

you're giving the world
a message, aren't you?

And I said, Yes.

My message is fuck you
world, because I'm here.

I'm Maria and you didn't
get me, not to the bitter end.

You didn't get me.

It's only in the last few years that
transvestites are letting us know

where their anger is coming from.

Some psychologists
say that choice in clothes.

The 40s and 50s is reinforcing a
primary bond with their mothers.

TV's have what we call purges in
which they get so overwrought by guilt

that they not only tear the clothes
off on that particular occasion,

but they'll take their whole wardrobe
out and burn it or give it away

to Salvation Army or something like that.

Because this is ridiculous. I'm a man.

I'm not gonna do
such silly things as this.

And they have big, big resolutions
how they're gonna reform.

Virginia Prince formally Charles Prince is
now 71 years old and has unofficial status

as grand dame of transvestitism.

She has lectured and written
extensively on the subject,

and in the late 1950s, she began
publishing the journal Transvestia.

She does not wish to appear on camera.

Was it a sexual turn on for you?

Oh, it is for most
everybody to begin with.

You have to grow past the stage
of being an erotically aroused male

in a dress which results
eventually in an orgasm.

But when the orgasm is over, if
you continue to stay in the dress,

you eventually begin to discover
there's this other part of yourself.

You cease being an erotically aroused
male and you simply become a man

who becomes to recognize, gee,

there's something nice about
girlness that I'm enjoying experiencing.

You got to see what I got.

Of all the transvestites we met, only
Ken and Joe agreed to be filmed as men.

Ken is a psychologist who
works with other transvestites.

He is the divorced
father of three children.

That's beautiful.

Joe, also divorced, is a designer.

Typical of transvestites, they
are dressing in a hotel room,

often the only place assuring
anonymity and safety from discovery.

I brought two wigs.

Ken who are you when
you take off those clothes?

I'm Ken, I'm always Ken.

You're always Ken.

I mean, there's no new personality

when you, when you dress?

There's a new mood a real high.

Is it sexual.

It's sexual as well as everything else.

It's like all the things in your
life that you thought were crap,

suddenly come through and are positive.

Did your wife know that you were.

She did.

She thought I was gay and
she was going to change me.

All I needed was a good
woman and she couldn't cure me.

And consequently, it's not the
only reason the marriage didn't last.

I lost two houses, three kids, a
family, a job, self respect, alcoholic.

Three years later, I
said one of the things

about it is you
aren't even yourself.

I thought the worst that'll
happen is I'll be a transsexual

and then I'll have to figure
out what I'll do about that.

That seemed the worst possible
thing because they go through hell.

What we go through is a lifetime sentence.

We're transvestites till we die.

I was four years old.

I remember I was at my grandmother's house
and she had these wonderful silk panties.

And I was a small little guy at
the time, and I just completely

wrapped those things around me
several times, but they felt so wonderful.

I'm going to try these pads and
see if they work because a lot of.

At least see, this
makes me flare out a little

bit. After this it won't
make so much difference.

Yeah.

Sometimes you can cleared down
here, but I don't. I don't need to.

You like them with big breasts.

I like me with big ones. Oh, yeah.

I used to like women with big ones.

Now, now, it's not so important.

Are you in love with yourself?

No, I emulate.

No, not really.

I emulated women, though.

It's the only way, I
had to live vicariously

through women
with large breasts.

So at that time it was important because I
didn't think I had any potential that way.

And now you've got 'em.

Now I've got it.

What do you need with a woman?

I need women for relationships.

When you were a kid and you
did that, did you feel it was wrong?

I didn't stop to think it was
wrong till it was afterwards.

I got erections immediately.

This is the trick.

This changes your whole expression.

The Japanese have been doing it
for years with um, leaves, wet leaves.

I just use the old pantyhose technique.

What it does from sagging
eyes to sensuous eyes.

I think.

And I just wrap it around.

Don't do it, too tight
or you'll really stop

the circulation and
you'll be in trouble.

Now I can do the eyes.

But it's not enough to be all dressed up.

There has to be a place to go.

Since transvestites can't be
safe in public, where do they party?

This is the back room
of a restaurant which

a local transvestite
group has rented.

There is a network of
transvestite groups across

the country who hold
parties like this where

their members can go without risking
scandal, loss of jobs, or their marriages.

No one is allowed in without permission,

though sympathetic wives
and girlfriends do attend.

There is a growing business
catering to transvestites,

since most of them
are over-sized as

females and have
difficulty finding clothes.

There are mail order
catalogs, boutiques and tall

girls shops which attract
the transvestite trade.

Virginia, what do men really
get from cross-dressing?

There are expectations laid
on the men in our society.

He's got to be a provider.

He's got to be the strong
shoulder to lean on.

He's got to take care
of the wife and the ah,

any woman as far as that goes.

He's got to have all the
answers to everything.

Boys are called sissies if they vary,
vary much from the standard pattern.

All men have have a feminine side.
Like all women have a masculine side.

The dressing, it's an escape from
these expectations of masculinity.

I know the harm and the hurt that
comes to people when wives seek,

divorce and parents disown and
bosses fire because they find out

that somebody likes to wear dresses.

They never do this to
women who like to wear pants.

Why are there no female transvestites?

A woman can go into a man's
store and actually buy men's clothes.

Nobody asked her any questions.

She can take them home put them on.

Walk down the street, go
to the market, do anything.

What is there to escape into or
from that that society cares about?

But men couldn't do
this because of this

sissy business which
they learned as children.

In more repressed times, women needed
to pass as men under certain conditions.

Joan of Arc was told by
her voices to dress as a man.

Hannah Snell passed as a sailor
in the 1880s. In aristocracy women

cross dressed to shock as George
Sand did and Vita Sackville West.

An act of rebellion in a society
where women held no rights at all.

Sometimes it was economic.

A few dressed as men
to earn a living on stage

like Collette, which
was shocking at the time.

Today, for women to wear men's
clothing is simply high fashion.

But for female transsexuals,
women who feel they

were born into the wrong
body, there is also surgery.

Fifty percent of all transsexual
surgery is now from female to male.

Stephen was born female.

His parents named him Doris and
they raised him as their daughter.

But Steven always
thought of himself as a boy.

Seven years ago, at the age of
35, he had surgery to change his sex.

Steven has been married twice,
once as a woman, once as a man.

Both marriages ended in divorce.

My torment came inside, inside me.

I wanted to be who I was.

I wanted to also fit and to be who
I was and fit would not go together.

I can remember feeling different
way back in elementary school.

Probably even before then.
I knew that I was a female,

I was a girl because of my anatomy. I
was taught about those kinds of things.

I was more of a tomboy than
the girls were that were tomboys.

And I just was always
different than my classmates.

Starting even in elementary school,

I used to have upset stomachs all
the time and we couldn't correlate

what was going on in my environment.

I went through this all the way
through high school and college.

How'd you get through high school.

With difficulty.

I found the girls silly and giddy.

I identified more with the guys.

I was a tremendous athlete and they didn't
have much of an athletic program for us,

so I longed for that kind of
an opportunity, was laughed at,

so I break out in sweats.

I didn't know how to behave.

Just a total awkward stage for me.

If I didn't have good connections.

I did with teachers.

Plus my family.

I don't know what I worked done.

And ah, the counselor that I saw at that
time felt that I had masculine protesting.

As the term they use at
that time, or penis envy.

I wanted to be a boy.

If I didn't get straightened
out, it would be a lesbian.

I would rather live as
a female in our society.

But you see, if it wasn't female gender.

I was female sex.

It's the gender that lets you
be who you are, not your sex.

So if I'm male gender,
I've got to line the body up.

Now I'm a whole person.

One. Two. Surgery puts the
period at the end of the sentence.

I look completely male, poorly
endowed, but I'm completely male

and I can face a partner in intimacy
without having to be awkward about it.

I'd went at the institute
in San Francisco

and it was a hot tub
and we were all in it.

And one of the gals who
knew that I used to be a female.

Asked if she could see my
genital surgery more closely.

We were all nude and I said, sure, well, a
male was just getting out of the hot tub.

And I guess he asked her afterwards.

He was horribly embarrassed for
me because I was small, number one.

And number two, why would you
do that when you know he was there?

And when she told him that I used
to be a female, he could not believe it.

So that's how beautifully done
the surgery is that I've elected.

So you were glad to see your breasts go?

Oh, yes.

I was lucky enough to
have keyhole surgery.

That means they just go
in around the areola ring

and they can take out
if you're small breasted

the small amount of tissue and suture
you back up and I believe in vitamin E

and so there's no scarring.

So my chest looks just like any
I can say any other man's chest.

I'm lucky. I've got a lot of hair
and I'm muscular. It looks fine.

In addition to his breast surgery,
Stephen has had a hysterectomy,

and surgery to free
the clitoris elongated by

hormones so that it
resembles a small penis.

Although he has sexual
sensation, he cannot produce sperm.

This is now more the publicity
that was written up over there.

Even though he had been
named Teacher of the Year

Stephen lost his job in 1977
because he chose to have surgery.

He had to defend himself
in court for almost four years.

Although the court declared him a fit
teacher no one would hire him again.

Basically, it started out that ah, I
was suspended on immoral charges.

And I was going to withdraw
from my teaching position.

-What did you teach?
-Physical education.

I taught grades seven through
12th and I was going to withdraw from

that school and go to
another area and teach.

And I was encouraged to return by
the school board and get reassigned.

And we changed
superintendents at that time.

And um, he, along with, I'm sure
some people in the district themselves,

who couldn't deal
with this, did everything

they could to make
it difficult for me.

And they did. There was a person
who would call my athletes in,

my, had winning basketball teams,
call my athletes in and tell them

that they were appearing to turn
into men themselves, that I wasn't.

These were, these
were girls who you taught.

These were students that I taught
and this was an administrator.

And he'd call them in and tell them
that I couldn't possibly be a man

because I couldn't shoot sperm.

And it was awful the
kind of treatment that

he was allowed to
execute on the students.

You talk about psychological harm,

the students were in support of me and the
majority of parents were in support of me.

And so were the teachers.

So was society. Otherwise,
if I could live through all this.

I have for seven year struggled to
hang onto what I did get as Doris.

My house, my car, and
I'm deciding that maybe

I ought to let go to
those kinds of things,

so I can step out in a
self employment situation,

where I don't have to
deal with people saying,

no, I won't hire
you, because you

remember, there's
very few of us.

It's not something
everybody is running out to do.

What kind of work have you been doing?

I've been struggling,
trying to set ceramic

tile. I have a license
now as a tile setter.

I was hired as a laborer in construction,
but tile setting I love to do.

Why didn't you go back to teaching?

I would love to be back in
teaching. I love students.

That's. I miss that
more than anything. I

miss my kids, as I
call them, in Emeryville.

More than anything.

It's difficult because the
educational system is so conservative.

If one parent or two parents on the block
who who belong to PTA and are

very vocal object to
my being there, because

they think even
though I've been proven

psychologically sound and fit to teach
and still retain my teaching credential,

they would cause such a headache
that ah, these the superintendents

aren't willing to deal with that.

And I've been taken into
the personnel office when

I applied for substitute
teaching in this area.

And the woman closed
the door and said, Mr. Dane,

Do you really think you'll ever
get back into teaching again?

In other words.

How stupid was I to even apply
for a substitute teaching job?

So it's been very, very
difficult and I miss it.

Explain about the hormones.

For the woman that's becoming a man,

she'll take testosterone,
it's an injection every

two weeks and the
results are rather dramatic.

The skin will coarsen up somewhat.

Acne will form. She'll have a
teenage male acne problem.

The beard will grow,
body hair all over the body,

just like the men in both
sides of her family tree.

So if they were hairy
she'll be very hairy,

if they were not then maybe
the beard will be sparse.

The breasts will
shrink, but only slightly.

The clitoris will elongate.

And in some cases it
can elongate almost the

size of a small normal
adult males penis.

The female to male patients just
seem psychologically a bit more stable,

steadier, more down to earth, perhaps
less flamboyant, less narcissistic.

They just seem to to do better.

They also seem to have mates.

Yes. Or almost all have a consistent
partner, be it a spouse or a lover.

Sometimes people are
brought into this world

and they're not as
fortunate as others.

And I feel like that's the same
thing that happened to me.

I always felt that I was born
in this world with a deformity.

And because of medical
technology, now that it

can be taken care of and
I'm not a freak anymore.

John and Susan live
in Northern California.

They've been together
for more than 15 years.

It was only two years ago that
John born female, completed surgery.

He and Susan are now legally married.

Both of them work at a naval shipyard.

You describe yourself at one
point that you thought of yourself

as one of those laughing
women in the circus.

The lady in the funhouse,

in San Francisco, when I was
a child we would go there and

sometimes I used to think that that's
what I would grow up to be, that lady.

I mean, I-- I used to think
of myself as being a freak.

I always felt like a little boy.

I mean, I had a lot of friends in
school, but nobody ever really knew me.

You know, everybody thought I
was just a lot of fun and a good kid.

But deep down inside, I
was really pretty afraid.

The very first time we were
together, he told me how he felt,

you know, that he wanted
to have a sex change,

and I just fell apart like, no,
you know, you can't do this.

What did you, were you in love with Janet?

Yeah, at that particular time, and
I think that at that particular time,

I thought it was Janet that I
was in love with and he kept,

she kept telling me, you know, well,
you know, I'd be the same person.

And I think I was just fearful
maybe now looking back on it

I was fearful of what other
people would think or say.

You mean that they'd say more if
there was a sex change operation.

Then if I was gay I guess. I think so.

Describe yourself as a woman
before you went in for surgery.

I was really disgusted with myself at
one time in my life I weighed 260 pounds.

I hated my body so much
that I just totally grossed out.

Did you have big breasts.

Oh, huge. Was like 40 D's.

To me, they were big and gross and ugly.

And besides the fact that I always
felt they were dead and had no feeling.

I mean, there was just no way I could
even admit that they were a part of me.

John, whose breasts was so large,
was forced to go through a tedious,

breast binding procedure
in order to pass as a man,

Female to male
transsexuals are also required

to live and dress as the opposite
sex before they're approved for surgery.

I had a mastectomy first.

And then that surgery went
really well. I mean. Oh, no.

Susan, how would you feel if
you're thinking of a mastectomy?

But he was getting these, well,
objects removed that he hated so much.

Everything I have now is all mine.

Except for the implants.

The testicle implants are silicone,
but the outer skin is all mine.

And so, I mean, I have all
the feeling and sensation.

Everything is very natural and normal
and has feelings, which before I didn't.

So ah, before or in our relationship,
it was just a one way relationship.

You know, I would make love
to Susan in our relationship.

And my body was always
totally off limits to her.

Now, since I've had my surgery,
my body my body has feeling.

And I'm getting to where you know,
I enjoy my own, I like my body now.

You mean you're allowing
yourself to have sexual feelings?

-Right.
-Where you didn't before?

-Right.
-You two got married.

Yeah, we did.

We got married up in Tahoe on a boat.

Do you both want a family?

We've been trying for about a year now.

I've been going for
artificial insemination and

had a couple. Well,
the doctor thinks I had

a, what he call it,
spontaneous miscarriage.

I was like three weeks overdue type thing.

Twice that's happened.
So. We just keep hoping.

And we've been
thinking about going to an

independent adoption
agency, also, try to adopt.

Do you ever miss Janet?

No. In fact, sometimes when I look
at him now, I can't even picture Janet.

This is so, so natural and
so right. That it just is right.

Why people shouldn't if they feel
that they should have a sex change.

That reason that you feel they shouldn't.

I really think they should.

I think it's all in the
pursuit of happiness.

What? Whatever you want to do yourself,
as long as it doesn't affect someone else.

You should. You should do it.

John and I was working together.

He told me and the first thing
I said was, you've got to be...

What else could I say? You know.

And then, you know, we just.

Hey, I'm just a nice guy, you
know, and John is a nice guy.

We all we all get along real well.

I was afraid of him.

I really was.

But after I got to know him
he was a nice guy, really nice.

Do you think that most
people would feel that way?

Yeah. A lot of them
were, afraid of him, they

didn't know what to say
in front of him or anything.

I kind of have something
to do with Susan being here.

-What's that?
-Father.

Way back in the
beginning was it difficult

for you to accept the
fact that Susan was gay?

Oh, my God yeah.

What did you feel about it?

Well, I done something
wrong, or possibly my wife.

I'm sure it was her fault, but.

Well, I mean, you can't have
something like this happen in your family

without feeling some
responsibility for it.

So you blamed yourself?

I suppose.

Is it like a real kind of
triumph for you now because

your daughter's in like
a real normal marriage?

Hell she is not gay anymore.

Did you grow with this situation? Do you
feel you've learned something out of it?

I don't know. I was very prejudiced.

I was one of the people that when I
first moved in to Gregory Gardens in

Pleasant Hill, that
they were going to form

this big thing about
keep the colored out.

Boy, I was gung-ho, just
keep the colored out.

I don't remember ever what
happened to that because I

happen to like a guy that I
worked with that was colored.

And so I don't know, I
just dropped out of that.

You've changed a lot.

Oh, probably.

I've always wanted the same
things everybody else wants in life.

I wanted to buy and give Susan what
I felt any the other man could give her.

I wanted to be able to give her
a home, you know, and a family

just like any other guy would want to.

I would like for us to
be able to have our child.

And you know, I know that's not possible.

But now maybe it's going to
be possible for her to be able

to have a child and it'll
be able to be our child.

Now that I have my act together
and my life straight, you know,

maybe I can help somebody else.

Susan has not been able to conceive.

John and Susan have
decided to adopt a child.

Stephen has given up on
being hired as a teacher.

He is now a supervisor
on a major construction site.

Kathy is starting a new life.

She is being trained in secretarial
skills by a large company.

Jodie went back to work
as a computer programmer.

She is earning $10,000 a year less
as a woman than she was as a man.

For these people, the battle
between the mind and the body is over.

They are now the person they want to be.

And for the transvestite there
are beginnings of self-acceptance.

But for countless others who have
to ask themselves, what sex am I?

The struggle continues.