Original subtitles

-♪ Look up there ♪ -♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪ -♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

HAM: Has anyone seen Dad?

I thought I saw him in the hallway earlier,

but it was just Wolf in Dad's bathrobe,

gently caressing the collar with his cheek.

I was doing some laundry and it had just come out of the dryer.

Who could resist putting on some warm, fresh Dad?

If he's not around, who made

this classic Dad-style breakfast?

I did. I'm day-drinking with Cheesecake later,

so I got to put down a base. Oh,

and I got to remember to bring a couple leashes this time.

We always end up rescuing stray dogs when we're drunk.

Or should I say they rescue us.

Good morning, everybody.

-(all gasp) -America's Next Top What the...

Oh. Oh, wow.

Alyson is here and she is wearing my father's shirt,

which in every rom-com I've ever seen means

that she slept with my father. Oh, my God.

She's my dad now. Wait, no, she's my mom.

Oh, what? (grunts) I'm freaking out.

Oh, I see.

You think me and your dad did the "you know what."

We did not. I called Beef last night

-to take a look at my heat pump. -Uh-oh.

And the part I need has to be ordered,

so he invited me to stay here.

He said I could sleep in his bed

and he would sleep in the car a few miles away.

Day drinking, car sleeping?

Okay, this might be the coolest family ever.

I'll just be here a couple nights.

-And don't worry, my house pigs -(phone vibrates)

Peanut Butter and Jam are staying with a friend.

Oh, look. Dad texted.

He said, "Panicked because Alyson was in my bed

and I actually drove to the border of Canada last night,"

and as I read this I realize I probably

should not have said it out loud.

Anyway, he's on his way back.

Well, Alyson, it's nice to have you here

and I wonder where my dad will drive to tonight.

I hope it's Georgia and he picks up an accent.

Can you imagine getting tucked in with a twang?

Hoo-ee, y'all.

WOLF: Oh, no way.

Cody Humikowski from high school works here now?

-You want the usual? -You know what, surprise me...

with your absolute cheapest beer.

Coming up, pal.

-Hey, Cody. -What do you want?

A million dollars, but I will settle for a beer.

-(laughs) -What?

One beer, please. Aw, man.

That drives me nuts. He was the one guy

in high school who didn't like me.

-And I guess he still doesn't. -No way.

Everyone likes you. That's your thing- being likable.

But maybe he's thinking about something else.

You never know what people are going through. Like me.

I just found out the woman I'm dating is my aunt,

so now our anniversary's ruined.

-What'll it be? -I'd like a new car,

-but I will settle for a beer. -(laughs)

I hear that, my man. Coming right up.

Jabba the What the Hell?

All right, this has gone on long enough.

Cody is my likability white whale,

and I'm gonna stab him with my charmpoon.

ALYSON: Hi, Beef. Hope you had

a nice drive last night.

Yes, I often drive all night

through the Alaskan wilderness

when a friend needs to use my bed.

Nothing special.

Well, if your non-special night driving

did have anything to do with me,

I wanted to tell you not to worry.

I am currently in a committed relationship.

Wait, really? Like, a serious relationship?

I thought you didn't do that kind of thing.

Me either, but he just knocked me off my clogs, Beef.

His name is Jobiathan.

He's a doctor and he lives out near Ballistic Missile Island.

You know, the tiny island that still has

a ballistic missile there, but also a very nice resort?

Where did you meet this relationship man?

Oh, we've only met online, but we got serious pretty quick.

That's terrible. I mean, that you haven't met yet.

-What a shame. -We're gonna finally meet up in real life

this weekend and stay at the Ballistic Missile Resort.

He booked the Underground Bunker Room.

No windows, and cans of Spam everywhere.

-It's so fun. -Well, I am happy for you.

I guess. And Jerbriacram.

-Jobiathan. -Joberthion.

Sure.

Jebarkikon.

(exhales)

All right, Cody, time to get to know me.

Hey, there he is, the Code Man!

-(laughs) -(groans)

Peeing, huh? Yeah, me, too.

Looks like we're on the same pee schedge.

-Washing your hands, huh? -Uh-huh.

I'll be doing that, too, right after I pee.

Loving the Bleederhosen shirt B-T-dubs.

Yeah, I'll see you out there. Got a little more peeing to do.

Then some hand washing, like I just said.

-Yep, whatever. -Cool, bud.

How'd it go in there?

I tried to start a urinal convo,

-and he barely responded. -That's insane.

Who doesn't love some tinkle talk?

I know. I'm a great urinal conversationalist.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

there's a guy in Talkeetna who doesn't like me.

His name is "my dad," but you know what they say.

If someone doesn't like you, you just have to accept it and-

Try super hard, never give up until they change their mind.

Yep, I'm gonna make Cody like me if it kills me.

Seems like a great use of time, and I support it.

Oh, hanging some art, Beef?

Re-hanging. The nail became loose.

So I am hammering in a new one

just to the right of the old hole.

Oh, neat. Can't wait to see how it turns out.

It will look just like it did before.

Well, like I said, neat.

-Uh, what the heck was that? -What do you mean?

I mean, you said "hammering," you said "nail,"

you said "old hole," and she didn't even say something like,

"Don't threaten me with a good time."

Yeah, that's not the sexually tense Dad-Alyson vibe

-we're all regrettably used to. -It's true.

My dynamic with Alyson has changed

because she has a boyfriend now named Joblerone.

Whoa. She's settling down?

How do you feel about that, Dad?

Well, it can't be that serious.

I mean, it's Alyson. She dates the sign spinner

in front of the tax place every tax season,

but by April 16th she's always back playing the field.

Okay, Beef, but if you really like Alyson,

you might want to actually make a move sometime.

Hmm. I'll think about it.

Perhaps I will, as we say in Alaska,

"throw my taxidermied elk into her lodge lobby."

All right, but I wouldn't wait forever. You never know

when a lady is gonna close up the lobby for good.

(echoing): You never know

when a lady is going to close up the lobby for good.

-Hello, Alyson. -Oh, hi, Beef.

I'm just doing my nighttime wind-down routine.

I like to stick snow in my armpits and think

of funny comebacks I should've said during the day.

Oh. Good. Well, I was wondering

if you might want to walk around

the house once... or something.

Sometime. It doesn't have to be now.

Beef, I can tell you're trying to flirt with me,

but the relationship between me and Jobiathan

is a little more serious than I let on.

-What do you mean? -I'm driving to Ballistic Missile Island tomorrow

to get married to him.

Married?! Markie's Post.

The lodge lobby is closed.

So you said yes to marrying a man you haven't met

-named Jacabrocky? -Jobiathan.

And, yes, he hid a digital engagement ring

in my digital soufflé.

-I almost digitally choked. -How romantic.

I find him so interesting.

He's just a solid guy. Not flashy.

Actually, he kind of reminds me of you, Beef.

At least in his messages.

Oh. Cool.

You know, I, uh, actually have an errand to run

at Ballistic Missile Island.

Oh, really? What do you need to do there?

I need to pick up a wrench

from a guy at a store.

So, I could go with you.

Hmm, well, if you drove,

that would free me up to think my thoughts.

Who knows, uh, maybe even have second thoughts.

But fair warning, I tend to be

pretty free with my farts on road trips.

If you're okay with that, I'm happy for the company.

Oh, no-no problem. On road trips, I consume

nothing but coffee, Corn Nuts and licorice.

The resulting smells are deeply unpleasant.

Sounds like we're a perfect match.

(sighs)

WOLF: Welp, I'm headed

-to the curling club. -Uh, what's going on

with that shirt there, babe? Did you make it with a Sharpie?

Yep. Looks great, right?

This guy Cody from high school is the bartender

at the curling rink and he likes this band,

but he doesn't like me, but when he sees this shirt,

we'll be on a rocket ship to Homie Heaven.

(sighs) Babe, are you doing this again?

-Doing what? -Going all-out to make sure

-absolutely everyone likes you. -I don't do that.

Sweetie, you still go to your middle school bully's

improv shows. You even needed my ex-boyfriend

to like you for some reason.

Happy birthday, buddy. Be on the lookout for a package.

Hint: I hope you like making soda.

Who is this?

Uh-huh, and then what happened?

-He started to like you. -Exactly.

I wore him down and now he likes my Facebook posts.

Okay, but sometimes you put a lot of energy

into people who don't deserve it.

I just don't want to find out one day that you've become

pen pals with a serial killer and you gave him our address.

Who, Charlie the Choker? Oh, don't worry.

There's no way that guy's getting paroled.

-Wolf! -Horrific crimes. Sweet guy, though.

Well, off to make Cody my bro-dy.

HONEYBEE: Why did you want to meet us

-in the panic room? -Because I am panicking.

Is Mountain Man Marv on our property again?

He'll leave after he finishes filling

his pillowcases with pine cones.

It's not that. Alyson is getting married.

What?! To that Internet guy? When?

It's happening tomorrow on Ballistic Missile Island.

I offered to drive her to her marriage

and take the ferry with her and she said

she was gonna fart a lot, and I said...

Beef, Beef. Slow down. Slow down.

Okay, so you're driving her to get married.

-That is actually great news. -What? No, it's not.

It's terrible. She was the first person

who made me feel anything after Kathleen left.

And I guess I hoped she'd always be out there

as a someday possibility, but instead

Alyson has given her heart to a man she hasn't met

with a name I cannot pronounce.

Beef, relax.

This drive is actually the perfect setup

for a romantic comedy. Trust us, we've seen 'em all.

Yeah, we all watch the Lifemark Channel constantly.

We've even seen Swipe North,

about that girl who dates Santa.

Ah, I have actually seen that one.

It gave me hope. Santa is much older than me,

and he managed to find love.

Beef, this car trip is the perfect opportunity

to stop Alyson from getting married.

You just need to make a list of everything

you would have liked to do with her if you were dating

and squeeze it into the road trip.

Show her what she'd be missing out on with you

if she goes through with this.

Hmm. I do love lists.

But it's only a one-hour drive

and then a 45-minute ferry to BM Island.

That's not a lot of time.

It's the perfect run time for a romantic comedy.

-What should we call it? -How about

Beef Drives Alyson to Marriage Place?

I mean, it says what it is in the title,

and test audiences love that.

-Cody?! -(groans)

Crazy running into you here.

You mean at my job where I work?

(brays) Hey, I just remembered that

yesterday you were wearing that Bleederhosen shirt

and today I'm wearing my Bleederhosen shirt.

Love that band.

Oh, I borrowed that shirt from my roommate when I was

looking through his closet for money.

I thought Bleederhosen was a store.

Oh, that reminds me, I also brought you a muffin basket.

And yes, good eye, every muffin does have a pinwheel in it.

I'm allergic to muffins. And pinwheels

are way too much work. All that breathing? (scoffs) No thanks.

Totally. Well, see you at the bar right now when I sit down.

(sighs)

Allow me to get the door for you.

And I don't mean to imply that you don't know

-how to open a door. -I know, Beef.

But I appreciate the clarity.

"Open and close car door for her."

Done. Next up, "Make her a mixtape."

One step ahead of you, list.

I have prepared a mixtape for our journey.

Aw, that's sweet, Beef.

Donnie Wahlberg made me a mixtape once.

It was just 90 minutes of the Entourage theme.

Well, this mix is mostly The Cranberries.

I'm a bit of a "bog boy."

Oh, yeah, I'm also a fan-berry.

BEEF: So far, so good.

So, Alyson, I was thinking that we could have

a thoughtful conversation

in which we get to know each other better.

I'll start: I've never used lotion.

-I'm naturally moist. Oh. -(snoring)

(snoring continuing)

-Alyson, uh, we're here. -(snorts)

Oh, oh. (laughs) Oh, wow.

Oh, I can't believe I slept the whole way.

Ooh. Hope I wasn't farting too much in my sleep.

You did fart. A lot.

Yeah, that makes sense. I was having a dream

where I could fart so strongly that my anus worked

as a sort of jetpack, and then I bonked my head

-on the bottom of a helicopter. -(horn blows)

Oh, there it is, the Love Choo Choo.

Why would they call a boat a train?

Well, many of the people aboard are on their way to BM Island

for a quickie marriage, so they gave it a fun theme.

But a boat already has a theme.

The theme is a boat.

CAPTAIN (over P.A.): Calling all lovers, the Love Choo Choo

will now begin boarding for Ballistic Missile Island.

Well, looks like I'm a 45-minute ferry ride away

from becoming Mrs. Jobiathan Flavor.

Joey from Friends, lend me your confidence.

CAPTAIN (over P.A.): Folks, we'll be at Ballistic Missile Island

in about 30 minutes.

Uh, Alyson?

-Yes, Beef? -I was thinking-

-wind, right? -What about it?

-Uh, it's profound. -Well, I guess it is.

-Thanks, Beef. -(phone rings)

Excuse me a moment.

-Hello? -Hey, Dad.

How's Beef Drives Alyson to Marriage Place going?

Terrible. She slept the whole way here.

And now I only have 30 minutes left

and there are so many items on my list.

Like slow dancing, spontaneous whittling

and kissing beneath some fireworks.

I didn't even bring any fireworks with me.

-Rookie mistake. -Don't give up hope just yet, Beef.

In a romantic comedy, when a couple is meant to be,

there's always a deus ex machina.

Oh, yeah, the deus ex machina is something unexpected

that happens in a rom-com that makes it possible

for the leads to spend more time together.

Like in Swipe North when Anne Hathaway and Santa

got stuck under that giant candy cane.

I don't think that'll happen here,

but if I see a giant candy cane,

I will try to pull it on top of us.

Okay, but, Beef, listen, this is very important.

If there is a deus ex machina,

use the time to make this a real date.

Tell her everything you want to say.

'Cause after the deus ex machina,

well, that's when the lead decides

that she's gonna marry the wrong guy

or hold out for the right one.

Like how Anne Hathaway almost married the Easter Bunny.

Oh, I hated that bunny.

So arrogant, driving that BMW around.

-(thudding) -Wait, something's happening.

I'll call you guys back.

CAPTAIN: We seem to be having engine trouble,

so we're stranded for the moment.

In the meantime, why not take advantage

of the Love Choo Choo's many entertainment and food options.

The deus ex machina. It's real.

-How you doing? -What?

Sorry, I was imitating Joey from Friends.

-Leave me alone. -You got it.

Look, Alyson, I know you're getting married tomorrow

and I respect that, but I was wondering,

would you want to go on one last date

with me?

You see, in high school, Kathleen just told me

I was her boyfriend one day, and I agreed.

So, I have never actually been on a real date.

-Not even with a ghost? -Uh, no.

-Not even with a ghost. -Well, sure, Beef.

I'd love to pass the time on the Love Choo Choo with you.

It'll be my last round of Donkey Kong

before I leave the arcade for good.

Care to hitch your arm to the old Beef wagon?

-Cody! -Whoa!

-Taking out the trash, huh? -What the hell, man?

Sorry. So, I was thinking maybe we take a drive

and jam out to some tunes. Maybe grub some chow.

Just, like, blow the roof off this town, you know?

(groans) If I come with you,

will you promise to stop bothering me?

And do you also promise not to kill me?

I so promise not to kill you, Cody.

So promise.

♪ We made a love casserole ♪

♪ Yeah, we made it from our past, you know ♪

♪ We took the leftovers from our lives ♪

♪ Put 'em in a pan and we added chives ♪

♪ We made a love casserole ♪

♪ And we made it so much it's gonna last-erole ♪

♪ We put it in the fridge next to the chicken ♪

♪ It'll never go bad or give us botulism ♪

♪ We made a love casserole! ♪

There's the old miss.

The old lady.

Our old high school. And there's the old school bench

where I diarrhea-ed my pants. (chuckles)

Had to call my dad to pick me up.

-And that corner is where he picked me up. -Okay.

Pretty fun night, huh? You know, Codes,

I know we never got to know each other in high school,

but now that you see how cool I am,

you know there's no reason not to like me.

(scoffs) Who said I didn't like you?

I just never thought about you.

But now, since you forced me to think about you,

I guess you're... fine.

Oh, wow. That is so good to hear.

And now that you've opened the friendship door,

how about I get a little peek inside your personality house?

What are you into these days, Cody? Music, animals?

Nah, I hate music. And animals are the worst.

I had a dog once, not anymore.

See you in hell, Mr. Pillowsby.

Oh, well, there must be something you're into.

Uh, I don't know.

I like shooting stop signs with my shotgun.

I like strip clubs, harassing nerds online,

setting sheds on fire, stomping on plants, stuff like that.

Oh. Huh.

That stuff sounds, uh... fun.

Hey, you want to see something funny?

-Well, uh, sure. -(grunts)

CODY: Dumbass tree.

Oh. (weak chuckle) Yeah.

Funny. (chuckles)

Thank you for joining me for a great first date.

Perhaps you can give me some pointers for my next one.

I don't know who it will be with, but I'm pretty sure

I'll take her to the grain mill. It's a mill.

There's a lot of grain... You know what,

I don't want to ruin it for you

in case Jamiroquai takes you there.

I don't really think you need dating tips, Beef.

I've had a lot of fun.

Just maybe stop putting so much pressure

on yourself so you can relax.

(grunts) When you said "relax," I tensed up.

How do you do it? What is your secret, Alyson?

I guess I've just never taken romance all that seriously.

I've dated around so much that marriage and monogamy

actually seem like a fun, new adventure.

And Jobiathan seems neat, so why not settle down?

Or settle for?

-I don't know. -Alyson, I'm sure Jabanaram

is neat, but you are leagues beyond neat,

and you should absolutely not settle.

You have so many good qualities.

You're kind and interesting, but one of my

favorite things about you is that you can't help

being yourself, and for someone who has trouble

reading people, I appreciate that.

Because whatever you do or say,

I know you're genuinely being you.

Wow, Beef. Even Dave, the spider wrangler

I lived with on Montezuma Beach, never saw me that clearly.

CAPTAIN: Hope you're enjoying our nightly fireworks presentation.

Looks like we're finally back en route, folks. Choo choo!

Well, I guess this is where we part ways, Mrs. Flavor.

I'm sorry about kissing you.

It's okay. In case you didn't notice, I kissed you back.

You know, Beef, I'm starting to wonder

if Jobiathan really is the guy I want to settle down with.

Alyson? Yes, I am Jobiathan.

And yes, I look different than I do online.

And yes, I do have several more children at home.

And yes, I am married to one other woman

who was recently jailed due to a misunderstanding,

but she knows about you, and we thought

we could have what we call a "marriage Neapolitan."

You'll be the strawberry.

(robotically): I am a robot.

Nice to meet you, human.

Oh. Okay. Yes, uh, sir,

could you please stop bothering my robot?

-You're draining her battery. -Sorry.

It's just that your robot looks exactly

like a woman I was supposed to marry.

I get that all the time. Come on, robot.

Let's get back on the ferry.

You're late for robot class.

(robotically): I love to learn...

-Alyson? Are you Alyson? -Mm.

WOLF: Well, here we are back at your work.

-So, goodbye. -Hey, you want to keep going?

We could hit the 24-hour gun range in Death Cliff.

Beat the crap out of some lawn ornaments

or just score some coke and chuck crap at cars?

Maybe not tonight. I'm a little tired,

so how about a gun range-vandalism rain check?

Come on, man. We're friends now.

Hey, I'll head to the dumpster and get some chucking stuff.

Okay, cool. I'll just wait right here.

Don't you worry about that.

Well, Cody is not

who I thought he was.

And I know this may sound super harsh,

but I don't think I care if he likes me.

Aw, man. Now I feel bad I said that.

No, Wolf. That's great.

-It's great that you said that. -It is?

Listen, I get that you feel bad when people don't like you

because being likable is your thing.

But save your energy for the people you like,

such as me and our eventual kids.

And that grumpy guy at the ice cream store

who's always mean to me.

-No, not him. -Right, right, right.

BEEF: I'm sorry things didn't work out

the way you were expecting,

but I had a pretty fun night.

And telling that wizard you were a robot was very exciting.

I had fun, too. It's weird.

I never feel insecure, but I guess I'm wondering.

If I hadn't been about to get married,

would you still have said all those things

you said to me tonight?

Alyson, I meant everything that I said

on board the Love Choo Choo.

You are a true catch, and I'm literally a fisherman,

so I know what I'm talking about.

But I realized something about myself

during our journey.

Was it that you want to get a cape like Jobiathan?

Ooh, got to admit, that man can dress.

No, it's not that.

It's that after we kissed,

all I wanted to do was, well, marry you?

And have four kids?

That's the only second step

I have ever taken in a relationship.

Hmm. I get that.

So I must not be ready for a regular second step,

because I don't know how to think differently yet.

We're two very different people

who have led two very different lives.

You had four kids right out of high school

and I once spent two years urban backpacking through Dallas.

Yeah. I'm thinking that before I make another big commitment,

I should maybe even date around.

You should absolutely date around.

And don't even think about settling down again

until you live life a little.

You're gonna do great out there.

-Thank you, Alyson. -In fact,

I'm gonna get you a mop,

cause you're gonna be cleaning up, Beef.

All right, off we go.

Should we do another shot of cranberry juice?

Make mine a double.

♪ Do you have to, do you have to ♪

♪ Do you have to let it linger? ♪

JUDY: And now

I present to you Swipe North 2: Still Swiping.

Did you guys know that Mark Ruffalo stayed in character

the whole time they shot the movie?

Even his real-life wife and kids had to call him Santa Claus.

I read online that Anne Hathaway's character, Heather,

gets a job in Seattle and she and Santa have to try

to make a long-distance relationship work.

By God, I'm rooting for them.

Shh. Close your cocoa flaps. It's starting.

♪ Do you really think I can find love once more? ♪

♪ I just uploaded your profile so say hello to l'amour ♪

♪ I'm gonna swipe north on finding love again ♪

♪ I'm saying yes to Tabitha, Brandy, Anne and Jen. ♪

♪ Congrats, you've got a match, her name is Maddison ♪

♪ She likes peppermint, snow and large abdomens ♪

♪ You got to write her back, ask her more about herself ♪

♪ And tell her that I live with 600 elves ♪

♪ Gonna swipe north, hope she's a fan of dairy ♪

♪ And eating only cookies, feeling super merry ♪

♪ Gonna swipe north, gonna really believe ♪

♪ There'll be a new girlfriend ♪

♪ For me under the Christmas tree. ♪

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