All language subtitles for The Flying Nun s03e18 The Dumbest Kid in School.eng

♪♪

[barking]

[narrator] History tells us
that as boys,

George Washington
chopped down cherry trees,

Shakespeare ran away
from home,

and young Albert Einstein
flunked math.

By these standards,
we are raising in our orphanage

a boy who will be
the world's greatest man.

his name is...
Joey!

Where did you get
that terrible arrow?

It's a street sign!

I'll put it back
before rush hour.

[narrator] A certain songwriter
described Joey pretty well.

He may have been a headache
but he never was a bore.

[Sixto] All right,
who's the wiseguy here?

[kids giggling]

[narrator] The long arm of Joey
reached everywhere.

San Tanco won't soon forget

the day I drove
the bishop to the airport.

People are staring.

Could it be
we have a flat tire?

Oh, maybe I'd better
take a look.

[narrator] It didn't take
a handwriting expert

to know the author was Joey.

♪♪

Oh, by the way, has anybody
heard from Sister Bertrille?

Oh, yes, we have a lovely card
from Brooklyn this morning.

She's really enjoying
her parents' anniversary.

This way, Señor.

Excuse me, Reverend Mother.
This is Señor Sanders.

He would like to see you.

How do you do, Reverend Mother?
Mr. Sanders.

This is Sister Ana,
Sister Jacqueline,

Sister Jacqueline.
Sister Sixto.

Sister Sixto.
Hi.

Forgive my saying so,

but you're much younger
than my Reverend Mother.

Y-your Reverend Mother?

Yes, I was here for 10 years.
As an orphan.

Oh.

And it hasn't changed.
It really hasn't.

Saint Thomas.
Does he still cover a crack?

Yes, he does.

The big crack
in the kitchen,

is that still covered
by Saint Joseph?

No. It got much bigger.

We had to use
The Last Supper.

Another thing back here
I remember. This was...

my Reverend Mother's
rocking chair.

She used to rock in this
every evening after supper.

As a matter of fact, we all had
a saying. If she got up,

we'd say, "Look out, Reverend
Mother's off her rocker."

You ever heard that before?

Yesterday.

When I was adopted,

my new parents took me
to Arizona,

and I worked on a ranch
there for years,

Oh, were you a cow pincher?

Cow puncher.
He wouldn't punch 'em.

I did a lot of things.
But today I'm a stockbroker.

I'm kind of a--
I'm kind of a lucky stockbroker.

We're always delight to hear

of the success
of one of our orphans.

[Sanders] Reverend Mother,
I would like to do unto others

as they did unto me.

I want to adopt
one of your orphans.

And that's about it.

We have the ranch,
we have a few horses,

and all we need is a child.

Would you prefer
a boy or a girl?

Uh, that really doesn't matter
much, Reverend Mother.

Well, we have
many wonderful children.

I imagine that
with the ranch,

you would prefer
a outdoor type.

See, there's Francisco.

Hmm, he might be
a bit bookish.

Then there's Martin.
He might be just right. Then--

Reverend Mother, I think
I can save you a lot of time.

I want to adopt

the dumbest kid in school.

I beg your pardon?

I want to adopt
the dumbest kid in school

Mr. Sanders, we have
many bright children.

Do I understand that you wish
to choose your child

solely on the basis
of low marks?

I know this sounds crazy,

but that's what I want,
Reverend Mother.

I want to adopt
the dumbest kid in school.

First of all, Mr. Sanders,

we do not have
a dumbest child.

Reverend Mother,
there has to be.

At every school, there was
a smartest child and a dumbest.

Well, we have some children
who do not learn

quite as quickly as others.
But that can change.

We call them "underachievers."

Who is the most under
of your underachievers?

Joseph.
I'll take him.

Wait a minute, please.

[stammers]
You cannot adopt a child the way you'd buy a head of cattle.

Of course not. I know you'll
want some character references.

I can give you those.
Eventually, yes, that's true.

But Mr. Sanders, this is
a highly unusual request.

Please tell me
why you wish to adopt

the child with the lowest marks.

Because he's the one
who needs adopting most.

I see. Well,
there is something in that.

There is a lot in that,
Reverend Mother. I know.

How do you know,
Mr. Sanders?

Because I was the dumbest.

The most underachieved
of any child in this convent.

And I just got adopted
by the skin of my teeth.

A boy like Joseph,
he might not make it.

That's true. However,

you cannot adopt a child
blindfolded.

Suppose you don't
like Joseph?

Is he a rebel?
[chuckles] Yes.

A problem?
Uh-huh.

A fighter?
Ach.

I'll like him.
When can I see him?

Tomorrow.

I would like to talk to him
today and prepare him.

Mr. Sanders, I suggest
that you take him

out on an outing
and get to know him.

Fine. I'll take him
on a picnic. Good.

Excuse me, Reverend Mother.
Yes, Sister Jacqueline?

Guess who was washing the car

and decided to teach himself
how to drive?

Joseph.
The San Tanco Andy Granatelli.

How's he doing?

Last seen, he was heading

down the convent driveway.

That's my boy.
Until tomorrow, Mr. Sanders.

Will you please excuse us?

Sister Jacqueline and I
must go on highway patrol.

♪♪

I've heard of the Headless
Horseman but this is ridiculous.

I'm gonna be punished.

Joseph, you are incorrigible.

I didn't go fast.
I kept the brakes on.

You could be arrested
for driving without a license.

You could be arrested
for driving without a head.

Joseph, what are we going
to do with you?

You could make me
sweep the cellar.

Or write something 500 times.

Yes, I shall think about that.

Sister Jacqueline,
would you excuse us,

please, for a few moments?

Certainly.

♪♪

Joseph, there is a man

who is very interested
in meeting you.

Is he from the police?
No.

Reform school?
No, Joseph.

He is just
a very nice gentleman

who is looking
for a boy to adopt.

Me? Why would he want
to adopt me?

You are a very
interesting boy, Joseph.

But I get in a lot of trouble.

He could be a cop.
You know, in plain clothes.

No, Joseph.

He is a stockbroker
from Arizona.

And he wants to take you
on a picnic tomorrow.

Suppose he doesn't like me?

[scoffs]
I'm sure he'll like you. And, uh, we'll say a prayer.

Suppose hedoesn't like me?

I'm sure he will like you.

And, uh, he usually
answers a boy's prayers.

He answers, but sometimes
he answers, "no."

Can I talk about this
to my friend, Carlos Ramirez?

Yes, I, uh, I think
that can be arranged.

Carlos, can I talk to you
for a minute?

You're already talking to me.
How are you, Joey?

I have a big problem.
Can you help me?

Sure. I'm just trying
to fix this stupid machine.

It's out of order.

[sighs]

[machine cranks]

[coins clatter]

You see? It's still
out of order.

Now, what's your problem?

I might get adopted.
Good!

That calls for a lemonade.
Come here.

Tomorrow, the man
is taking me on a picnic.

If he likes me,
he'll adopt me.

I'm delighted for you.

I'm scared.

Why? Picnic is nothing.

I've never been
on one of those picnics.

They always say, "Joey,
what a fine-looking boy.

We'll have to go
on a picnic together."

But they never take me.
Why not?

They go in the Reverend Mother's
office and look at the records.

Soon as they see mine,
they decide

to go on a picnic
with some other boy.

The kind they'd like
to adopt.

This man never saw your records?
I don't think so.

If he knew about me
he wouldn't take me on a picnic.

Oh, come on. Of course
he would. He wouldn't.

How could I get him
to like me so much

he won't look
at the records?

Let me see.
Well, there he's

proud of a boy
who has good manners.

Uh, "Yes, please."
"No, thank you."

Sit in a proper way.

Uh, "After you, sir."

A father doesn't like
to hear things like:

"Joey ran across my lawn"

or "Joey put molasses
on my cat."

Remember that?

Or "Joey is about to spill
the drink on my carpet."

My advice on this picnic is,
whatever you want to do,

don't do it.
Okay, I'll be an angel.

Okay, sit like an angel.

But there's also
the dumbness.

What dumbness?

You know, I'm not very smart.

[Carlos] You know what makes a man think
another man is smart?

[Joey] When he's got
a good report card?

No. When you talk about him.

What kind of work
does he do?

He's a...stockbroker,
whatever that is.

Stockbroker, huh?

Well, you have to learn
everything about stockbrokers.

Can you teach me?
Of course.

A stockbroker
is a man who...

Let me give you an example.

Uh, let's say you want
to buy General Motors.

You can buy a general?
No, uh...

Think of a company
as a big pie, right?

Now, anybody who wants to
can buy a slice of that pie.

That's what
the stockbroker sells.

He sells pies?

No. Let me explain to you
another way. Umm...

Let's go to the library.

♪♪

Is this him?
Well, either that,

or somebody got lost
from the San Juan road race.

Morning, sisters.
Morning. Hi.

Hi.

Mr. Sanders, this is Joey.
Hi, Joey.

Morning, Mr. Sanders.
I'm very pleased to meet you.

Ready to go picnic?
I've been studying all night.

I'm all set, sir.

I'll tell you what, Joey.
Let's try something.

Why don't you
take this side, all right?

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Go ahead, start it up.

It's in neutral.
It's all right.

It's too dangerous, sir.
I don't have a driver's license.

All right. Now, if I remember
correctly, there was a shortcut

right through this gate,
right on down to the lake.

But look, "Private property,
no trespassing."

[cow moos loudly]
Well, yeah, but I mean...

Joey, it's a three-mile hike
the other way to the lake.

I don't mind. It's better
than breaking the law.

Okay. Okay,
we won't trespass.

One of these finky cows
just might squeal on us, right?

I gotta tell ya,
you better be hungry.

Here.

Ah.

What's the matter?
Why don't you dig in?

We haven't said grace, sir.

Grace? For a hero sandwich?

[mutters indistinctly]

[sighs]

Amen.

All right.

♪♪

Did you just say mass?

There's a lot
to give thanks for, sir.

Speaking of the stock market--
What?

Reverend Mother told me
you're in the stock market.

That's right, I am.

I was so happy.
I like the stock market

even better than geography.

I'm not sure
I believe that, Joey.

Do you think high-yield
municipals

will prompt preferred
stocks into a decline?

Wait a minute. What do you know
about high-yield municipals?

High-yield municipals are
the darlings of mutual funds.

You're sure of that?

In this industry, it's a bigger
write-off for plant expansion.

All right.

That's all.
Let's go swimming.

Swimming? Yeah, I like that

even better than
the stock market.

That's encouraging. You take
this bush, I'll take that one.

Tell me when you're out
of the dressing room.

♪♪

We can't go.
Why can't we go?

We just ate.

We didn't eat anything

that won't float.
Now, come on, Joey.

Okay, but Reverend Mother's
gonna be awful mad at me

if I drown.
You won't drown. Now, come on.

Good. I just wanted
to make sure.

That's better. Now, last one in
is a rotten egg.

I just remembered, sir.

[sighs]
What'd you just remember, Joey?

I don't have a bathing suit.

What do you need
a bathing suit for?

Sir, I hope you don't think
that I'm the kind of boy

who would go swimming
without a bathing suit.

I guess you're not
that kind of a boy, are you?

I guess you're really not.

Thank you, sir.

[sighs]

Saint Joey, that's what
you should call him.

Joseph is a long ways
from being a saint.

And I have had
the headaches to prove it.

I don't skinny dip, I don't
trespass, and those manners.

Reverend Mother,
I'll bet he eats chewing gum

with a knife and fork.

This does not sound
like Joseph.

If he is dumb, Reverend Mother,
then you're running

the Princeton Institute
for Advanced Science.

Mr. Sanders, I will show you
his report card.

No need to show me
his report card, really.

Look, Joey just
doesn't need me.

He's fine. He's going to be
president of the United States.

Or pope.

Mr. Sanders, I would like you
to give him another chance.

Please, take him
on another picnic.

Reverend Mother, I don't
follow you. A boy is what he is.

Perhaps not. Something
has changed Joseph.

The last person to talk to him
was Señor Rami--

Just one moment, please.
Uh, don't go away.

[groans]

Señor Ramirez?
Reverend Mother Placido.

Quite well, thank you, yes.
How are you?

Eh, Señor Ramirez,

Joseph called on you
to tell you

that he might
be adopted, right?

Would you mind telling me
what you told him?

[narrator] Reverend Mother
and Mr. Sanders agreed

that there should be
one more chance

to see the real Joey.

This time, it was
a camping trip.

You look like a regular
Little Lord Fountainblue.

Almost ready, Joseph?

Almost.
Good.

Let me look at you.

[giggles]
Oh.

You know what? You're going
to need a warm jacket.

Come on.

Here you are.

There.

How's that, sisters?
[Sixto] Very camp.

I'll say one thing: it's Joey.
Exactly.

Oh, Joey, don't forget
your Bible.

And for some lighter
reading material, take these.

Thanks.
And out there

with all the birds
and animals,

you need
your St. Francis medal.

And perhaps you should take this
in honor of Arizona.

Sisters, don't you think
it would be courteous

to be downstairs
to greet Mr. Sanders?

Oh, yes, have fun.
Oh, yes, Reverend Mother.

Joey, you look tired.
Have you been studying?

Yes, very hard.

[stammers]
About the market? Yes.

Boy, do I know a lot
about debentures,

whatever they are.
Joseph, I do not think

that Mr. Sanders cares
if you know about debentures.

But that's why he likes me.
He thinks I'm smart.

[sighs]
Joseph, all you have to do is just be yourself.

But when I'm myself
I'm bad.

You're not bad.
You're just, uhh...

You're a boy.

But when I'm a boy,
you know what happens.

Everyone gets mad.

Joseph,

when a father comes home
from the stock market,

he does not want to talk
about stocks to his son.

He doesn't?
What does he wanna do?

He wants to play.

He wants to play jokes
and have fun,

and he wants to talk
about things like, uh,

about comic books,
and about slingshots,

and skinny dipping.

[giggles]
And he wants to talk about, umm, lizards.

You sure?
Mm-hm, cross my heart.

♪♪

Hey, toro! Toro, toro.

Hey, toro!

[giggles]

♪♪

Joey, don't stand up!

Get your marshmallow
out of my marshmallow.

It's just--
It's like the desert.

Big old big wonderful
Arizona desert.

Can I have a camel?

[laughs]
"A camel..."

I haven't seen a lot
of camels lately.

Would you settle
for a pinto pony?

I'd settle for anything.

You know, being adopted
is better than being born.

[both chuckle]

I have to say,
of all the boys in the world,

this important man picked me.

Now, I guess-- Heh, heh.

I'm proud enough to pop.
But I'll miss the convent.

The convent'll miss you too,

you know,
the bottomless cereal boxes--

You knew about that?
Yeah.

The one I like best, though,

is the "Just Married" sign
on the bishop's car.

Who told you these things?

The Reverend Mother.

She's a good press agent.

Why would she tell
those things

to a man who might adopt me?

Don't worry.
I know all about you.

I know about the bad grades,

the problems you had.
The stock market?

That had me fooled.

I admit,
you're a pretty good actor.

If you knew bad things
about me, why did you pick me?

Well, it's just ego, I guess.
I suppose I wanted a...

kid like me,
chip off the old block.

Someone like you?
Oh, you must've been smart.

You must've won
all the prizes.

Me, smart?

Joey...

I was the dumbest kid in school.

The dumbest kid in school?

Yep.
Now I understand.

What?
You asked Reverend Mother

for the dumbest kid
in school.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Uh, now, it wasn't-- Hey.

What kind of boy
did you ask for?

Let me see if I can think
of the exact word.

You said the word "dumbest."

[stammers]
Joey. Hey, Joey!

[knock at door]
Yes? Come in.

Reverend Mother,
I have to talk to you, please.

Mr. Sanders, what happened?
It's Joey. He ran away.

When he was
gonna be adopted?

It's something I said.
I've looked everywhere for him.

Eh, have you looked
behind you?

Joey, where were you?

I hitched a ride back.

I never wanna ride
in your car again.

Joseph, what happened?

I never wanna talk
to you again either.

You told him I was
the dumbest kid in school.

The dumbest kid in school?

No, wait a minute, I--

I said I was
the dumbest kid in school.

[sighs]
And I told him I wanted a boy just like me.

Oh.

Joseph, you must try

to forgive all of us.

I don't wanna forgive anybody.

You didn't care who I was.
You just wanted the dumbest kid.

You didn't care anything
about me.

Joey, I want to adopt you.
I want you for my son.

Well, you can't have me.

Joey.

Now, he's not talking
about a picnic.

He's talking
about a whole adoption.

All my life,
I'll know he picked me

just because I was dumb.

This has gotten
out of hand.

I didn't mean it
that way at all.

Maybe not,
but I'd always feel it.

You can't adopt me while I'm
the dumbest kid.

Joey, he doesn't care if you're
the dumbest kid in school.

Why don't I keep
my big mouth shut?

Sir, I'm gonna be
the smartest kid in school.

Then, if you wanna adopt me,
okay. Okay?

[sighs]

Okay.

You're the smartest head
in this group already.

♪♪

Ouch!
What's the matter?

Oh, I think I need a thumble.

Thumble? Oh,
you mean, "thimble."

No, it was my thumb.

Pardon me, sisters, I've
written a letter to Mr. Sanders.

Can you check it
for mistakes? Sure.

Let's see. Um,
"Dear Mr. Sanders,

I told you I was going to be
the smartest kid in school.

Well, guess what?
I didn't make it."

Aww.

"But I am doing fine.

A lot of kids want
to copy my homework,

which is a great honor.

Uh, here is my report card.

I got D in geography

but you should've seen
last month."

Now, let's see, "I would've got
A in social studies

if it hadn't been
for President Nixon.

If he had been born
in Minnesota,

I would've made it."

That was Hubert Humphrey.

He didn't make it either.

"There are 19 kids who are
dumber than I am.

So if you want to adopt me,
I guess it's okay.

Love, Joey."
That's a beautiful letter, Joey.

Are there any mistakes?
No.

But what is this,

"if you want to adopt me,
I guess it's okay"?

How cool can you get?

Don't you want him
to adopt you? Yes.

But it's not so important
any more.

Why not?
Because I'm not

the dumbest kid
in school anymore.

♪♪

♪♪

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