All language subtitles for The Flying Nun s02e21 The Breakaway Monk.eng

♪♪

[Bertrille] Carlos, wait for me!

That was very good.

You should go in
for TV commercials.

Yeah.
"Let the Convent San Tanco

"put you
in the driver's seat."

Well, when you
are number one,

you don't have
to try this hard.

Well,
the wind was dying down,

and I was looking
for an emergency landing.

You're in luck today.

I'm on my way
to the convent.

I have to see
the Reverend Mother.

Oh? About what?

Well, my income tax
return in being audited.

And you want us
to pray for you?

No. I need a statement
listing all the contributions

I made to the convent
last year.

Well, I'm sure the Reverend Mother
will be glad to do it.

Eh, Carlos,
level with me.

Did you do a little padding
on your income tax return?

Sister,
I am an honest man

who has the utmost respect
for the laws and regulations,

and I make up
my income tax return

like any other
law-abiding citizen.

In that case, we'll light
a candle for you, too.

♪♪

You see, Reverend Mother,
Carlos needs a statement

listing all
the contributions

he made to the convent
last year.

Yes. It is for the audit
of my income tax return.

I-I see. Well,

I will be very happy
to send the statement

as soon as we
have it prepared.

Thank you, Reverend Mother.

And we'll wrap it around
a Saint Christopher medal.

I know
I'll be sorry I asked,

but why Saint Christopher?

He's the patron saint
of travelers.

In case they send you
up the river.

I was right.
You're going to make

a very funny nun, Sister.
Adiós.

Adiós.
Good day, señorRamirez.

Good day, Reverend Mother.

Sister Bertrille,
you should not tease him.

People always
seem to be so nervous

when they become involved

with the Internal
Revenue Service.

Well, there's no need
if your records are in order.

Yes, t-that is exactly
why I am so nervous.

You mean, you don't have
a list of Carlos' donations?

Yes, of course we have
a list, eh, somewhere.

But where?

Although we are
a teaching order,

you may have observed
that the one subject

that we are not very well
versed in is bookkeeping.

Well, I hope it isn't
gonna be any problem.

No, no. Not at all.

We'll just ask Brother Paul
to come and go over the books.

Ask Brother Paul?

Brother Paul?

Brother Paul?

[Jacqueline]
I was in such shock,

the words
stuck in my throat.

You see, Brother Paul

is what psychiatrists
call accident-prone.

The last time
he was at the convent

he left a trail
of falling plaster,

splintered wood
and shattered glass.

And that's why
the Reverend Mother

gave Sister Bertrille the job

of seeing that Brother Paul
didn't kill himself

and take the convent
with him.

Well, Sister,
we've done the best we can.

We've locked up or crated

everything in the place
that's breakable.

What about the statue?

Well, don't you think
he can take care of himself?

I mean, we have
to have some faith.

Right.
[gasps]

Oh, no,
look what we forgot.

How can we hide
a half-finished brick wall?

Oh.

Is it something
I said, Sisters?

Beg your pardon?

Who are you hiding me from?

It's nothing personal.

We're just trying
to protect the wall.

From what?

Not from a what.
From a who.

[stammering]
Just keep working. It's all right.

Oh.

Well, it certainly is nice
to be back in the convent.

Don't-don't move,
Brother Paul. Don't move.

Something wrong, Sister?

No, I just wanted to
open the door.

Oh, it's quite all right.

I'll get out the other side.

Stay where you are.

I should have gotten out
the other way.

Oh, that's all right,
Brother Paul.

It was bound to happen
sooner or later.

I'll show you
to the cottage.

Oh, I know the way,
Sister Bertrille.

Don't you remember?
I stayed there.

Remember?
Who could forget?

You wouldn't want
to lie down in the cottage

and rest after
your long journey?

Well, after
I pay my respects

to the Reverend Mother.
Excuse me.

Brother Paul,
won't you let me carry that?

Oh, no, no, no!
I insist.

No, no, no.
I do insist.

Sister Ana,
look who's here.

Sister Ana.

Brother Paul.

[yells]

Well, you certainly have
a lot of safety precautions

since the last time
I was here.

Well, you know
the old slogan,

"Watch out
for the other guy."

A bit austere,
isn't it?

Well, we know
what a simple life

you live in the monastery.

Yeah, but it's so different

from the way
you had it furnished.

Let's see, there was
an overstuffed chair there,

a bureau and a throw rug.

Are you sure?
Certainly.

I burned a hole
in the chair,

dropped a drawer
from the bureau on my foot,

and threw my back out when
I slipped on the throw rug.

Well, here are
the convent books

the Reverend Mother told you about.
Good.

And the receipts.
And a list of donations.

We particularly want
the list of donations

from Carlos Ramirez.

Good. Good. They all
seem to be in order.

What-what happened
to the lamp?

Lamp?
Yes.

There was
a beautiful hurricane lamp

sitting right there.

Well, I think
it disappeared.

In fact, I know
it disappeared.

Well, how am I
supposed to work

without any light?

I'll get you some candles.

And some matches.

Matches?

Well,
to light the candles.

Matches start fires.

Well, that's one reason
we use them,

to light the candles.

Well, on second thought,

candlelight is bad
for your eyes.

I think I know where
I can lay my hands on a lamp.

Excuse me, Sister.
Where are you going?

I'm going out.

That's all right.
There's no need.

Just tell me
what you want.

The bathroom.

Oh.

Pewter plates?

Actually, Brother Paul,

these plates were given
to the convent

over 200 years ago
by Felipe the Third.

We only use them
on rare occasions.

[Bertrille] Like your visits,
Brother Paul.

Brother Paul,
we certainly do appreciate

your straightening out
our books for us.

Well, sometimes I think

it's a pity
to straighten them out.

It reads
like a mystery story.

You never know
until the last page

who did it
and for how much.

I hope when you track down
Carlos Ramirez's donations,

you don't find out
the butler did it.

Oh. Ha.

Bread, Brother Paul?

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Don't move, I'll get it.

Here, I'll take that.

You know the old saying,
"Don't cry over spilt sugar."

Butter?
Oh, thank you.

I'll get it.

Oh, dear, the milk.

Are you ready
for another old saying?

May I make a suggestion?

Why don't you change
places with me?

Oh, no, Brother Paul

Oh.
Oh.

You all right?

Yeah, aside
from a slight case

of butterfingers,
I'm fine.

Excuse me while I fling myself
in the washing machine.

Eh, may I ask a personal
question, Reverend Mother?

Why, yes, of course,
Brother Paul.

Is there something wrong
with Sister Bertrille?

She certainly is jumpy.

Do you think so?

Well, I've noticed it
ever since I arrived.

[knocking on door]

Oh, my goodness.
He's escaped.

Every time
Brother Paul

came out
of his solitary confinement,

we held our
collective breaths.

However, there
wasn't much we could do

even a jailbird
is allowed free time

in the prison yard.

What are you doing,
Brother Paul?

Oh, I was
just taking a walk

through
the convent grounds.

Care to join me?

I'll be right
by your side

every foot of the way.

[sighing]
They're really lovely.

You know,
all my roses seem to die.

Well, some of us
have green thumbs

and some of us
are all thumbs.

I guess it's something
you're born with.

You know, I haven't
seen roses like these

since Father MacDougal
was in the hospital.

Oh, I didn't know
he was ill.

Yeah, it was
an unfortunate accident.

I was helping him dig a well

and he tripped over my...

Well,
I'd rather not talk about it.

Oh, thank you, Sister.

[Bertrille] You're welcome.

You all right, Sister?

Yeah.
It's just a flesh wound.

You ought
to be more careful.

I'm trying.
I'm trying.

That plank looks heavy.

I'd better give him a hand.
Oh, Brother,

that's all right.
Let me do it.

Señor. Señor.

Did I hear someone calling?

Yes, you did.

Are you hurt?

Not where it shows.

I'm awfully sorry, Sister.
I did not see you.

Well, it
wasn't your fault.

Why didn't you tell me you
were building a brick wall?

Would you believe
it slipped my mind?

What's left of it.

I do a lot of brickwork...
Now, never mind.

I wouldn't want you
to get...

[screams]

Eh, Sister Bertrille,
I hate to say this,

but you are accident-prone.

And I would know because
I used to be that way.

You used to be that way?
You're not anymore?

I guess not.
I haven't had an accident

since I arrived
at the convent.

[knocking on door]
Come in.

Oh, hello.
Hi, Carlos.

Is this the list
of contributions?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Now the picture
is complete.

Contributions for charity,

entertainment expenses,
business improvements,

depreciations,
deductible bad debts,

capital gains...

What's the matter?

Oh, Carlos,
I ache all over.

In the last 24 hours
I've had a mild concussion,

sprained my ankle,

wrenched my knee,
twisted my back,

broke my beads
and everything.

Oh, Sister, I'm sorry.
Come here, please.

Sit down. Sit down.

Oh, I only wish I could.

Oh, Sister, you
should be more careful.

Well, it's not easy
when you're a stuntwoman

for an accident-prone monk.

Well, now he's finished,
he'll leave.

No, he's staying on to fix
the brick wall I knocked down.

You didn't?
Yeah.

I fell in so much cement

my habit
can stand up by itself.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Yes,
this is Carlos Ramirez.

This is Mr. O'Reilly of
the Internal Revenue Service.

I wonder if we might change
the date of our meeting.

Of course, Mr. O'Reilly.

What day will be
convenient for you?

What about today?

Today? Eh, No,
I'm afraid it's impossible.

My accountant
is out of town.

No, just a moment,
Mr. O'Reilly.

How about Brother Paul?
He used to be

a taxman
before he became a monk.

Brother Paul?

Sister Bertrille, can you
imagine what can happen

if a man from the Internal
Revenue Service

walks in here
and sees a monk as a taxman?

Sometimes you come up with...

fantastic ideas.

Hello.
Oh, Mr. O'Reilly.

Yes, today
will be fine. 3:00.

Shall I come to your office?

Oh, no.
Not to my office. No.

Do you know where
the Convent San Tanco is?

Okay. I'll see you there.

A tax audit in the convent?

I would hardly classify that
as a religious experience.

For me it will be,
Reverend Mother.

You see, I'm going
to pray constantly.

It is a little bit irregular.

[Bertrille] Brother Paul was delighted.

In fact, he's already
looking over Carlos' bills.

And it'll keep him
occupied

until the brick wall
is finished.

That's very good thinking,
Sister Bertrille.

SeñorRamirez,
you may use my office.

Thank you.

[telephone ringing]
Oh. Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh yes, Sister Ana.
Have him come in.

Well, that is Mr. O'Reilly

from the Internal
Revenue Service.

Oh, good.

O'Reilly. Hmm.

Well, now,
that explains why

you wanted to use the chapel.

I was only kidding.
Your office will be fine.

And if you get
in a tight spot,

we can have the choir
sing "Ave Maria."

Sister Bertrille...
Sister Bertrille,

instead of trying
to make jokes,

would you ask Brother Paul
to bring the papers?

Oh, Mr. O'Reilly.

I am Carlos Ramirez.
How are you?

This is the Reverend Mother.

How do you do,
Mr. O'Reilly?

Welcome
to Convent San Tanco.

Thank you.

Well, I will leave
you two gentlemen.

Excuse me.

You might be wondering
why we are meeting here.

Well, it had crossed
my mind, yes.

Oh, I know that
it's a little unusual,

but you see I do
so much work for the convent.

I get involved in things
like the catechism school,

donating money
to repair the chapel,

seeing that
there is enough milk

for the children at school,

running the bingo
game at the bazaar,

providing books
for the children...

SeñorRamirez?
Yes?

The Internal Revenue Service
is nonsectarian.

Boy, this wind is pretty...

Brother Paul, the papers.

[Paul] Oh, they're blowing away.

I'll get them, get these!

And hurry up,
Carlos is waiting.

These are the items
in question, señorRamirez,

that we have to have
substantiation for.

Oh, I assure you,
Mr. O'Reilly,

that everything
is in order.

Oh. Here is
my taxman now.

Oh, Brother Paul, I want you
to meet Mr. O'Reilly.

Oh, eh, very pleased
to meet you, sir.

I never thought tax work
would beat making brandy.

Actually, Brother Paul has
been kind enough to help me

while my accountant
is out of town.

Yes. Well,
let's get on with it.

Now, have you brought
the receipts from the convent?

Oh, yes...
Well, I... Not all of them.

[Carlos] Not all of them?
Yes.

Well, the rest of them

are being gathered
together at this moment.

The first item in question

were your entertainment
deductions.

Well, when you run
a casino like mine,

you do a lot of entertaining.

It's all recorded
here in this diary.

You bring a book
like this into a convent?

Sorry, wrong diary.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you!

Here's some more.

But all of
my entertainment expenses

are legitimate.
SeñorRamirez,

in spite of that sequel
to Peyton Place,

we still will require
receipts.

SeñorRamirez!

Here are some receipts.
More on the way.

Yes. I think these will be
of value, Mr. O'Reilly.

"Lunch. Alfred Nichols."

Oh, he's the biggest
travel agent in San Juan.

He recommends
my casino to tourists.

"Dinner.
Mr. and Mrs. Norman Walters."

They are my best tourists.
From what they lost last year,

I air-conditioned
the entire casino.

"Six shirts, two pajamas,
four shorts, no starch."

This isn't deductible

unless you're entertaining
your laundryman.

How did that get in there?

Excuse me, sir.

Excuse me.
It's me again. Thank you.

Mr. Ramirez, for a $23,000
entertainment deduction,

you're gonna have to produce
more receipts than this.

If you'll just
be patient, sir,

I'm sure we can get
them all together.

SeñorRamirez!

More receipts.

[paper crackling]

May I ask what is going on?

There was this sudden
gust of wind...

Well, I hardly think
I'm gonna find

substantiation of
your entertainment deductions

in this little pile.

But, Mr. O'Reilly...
I don't think

you'll be able to justify
$10,000 in medical deductions.

Well, eh, actually, eh,
Mr. O'Reilly,

eh, when a man does
that much entertaining,

eh, might it not follow
that he needs

a lot of medical attention?

I don't know what you're
trying to pull,

but you're not gonna
get away with it.

[whispering]
Please lower your voice.

There are Sisters
praying.

I hope they're
praying for you.

Sure, and begorra,
a nice Irish Catholic

is not going to think
that I am going to lie

in a house of worship.

My father happens to be
an Episcopalian minister

and he comes from
the north of Ireland.

Shall we go back to my office
and talk this over?

We're not gonna
talk anything over, Ramirez.

Anybody who's got
a monk as a taxman

and a convent for a front
is trying to hide something.

You'll be hearing
from us, Ramirez.

And I can tell you now,
it's gonna go hard on you.

Next year, I suggest

you try having
your audit in a cathedral.

[door closes]

What happened,
Brother Paul?

I'm afraid
it was my fault.

You see, I was carrying
the papers under my arm

and this sudden
gust of wind came along

and lifted Sister Bertrille
right up in the air.

You wouldn't believe it.
Oh, yes, I would believe it.

Well, I-I-I reached up
and I tried to pull her down,

and well,
the papers blew away.

Why didn't you tell
Mr. O'Reilly all that?

Tell him that
a credited accountant

lost his papers
on the way to an audit?

Oh, that's marvelous.

Do you know how much money
this is gonna cost me?

Well, I'd like to help,
señorRamirez,

but our order has taken
a vow of poverty.

I think I've got them all.
I think you are too late.

Yes. The revenue agent
just left.

Now, what are you doing?

Excuse me, while I act
like an interceptor plane.

Mr. O'Reilly!

Mr. O'Reilly, stop a minute.

[tires screeching]

Hi. Here are the rest
of Carlos Ramirez's receipts.

They may be a little dirty
but they're all there.

It'll prove to you that all of
his deductions are legitimate

and he's been a wonderful
friend of the Convent.

What are you doing?

Bless you, Sister.

Bless señorRamirez.

Bless his tax return

and bless me.

Oh.

Brother Paul, we want
to thank you once again

for straightening out
our books.

Well, any time
I can be of help,

just call, Reverend Mother.
Thank you.

Brother Paul,
you'd better hurry.

We don't want
to miss your bus.

Oh, thank you.

Sister Bertrille.
Sister Jacqueline.

Brother Paul, wait!
I'll open the gate.

[yelping]

You're hurt?

Okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

We'd better get going.

No, no, no.
I can't leave now.

It's okay.
I'm all right.

No, no.
I got to fix the gate.

Brother Paul,

we can take care
of it ourselves.

[Paul] No, no, no.
I wouldn't hear of it.

I'll get some tools.

♪♪

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