Original subtitles

[main theme playing]

[whistling noise]

[barking]

[Jacqueline] Sister Bertrille is not superstitious by nature,

but she does believe that disasters come in threes,

at least where she's concerned.

[engine starting]

[Jacqueline] Disaster number one.

She kept a wary eye out for disaster number two

and, sure enough, it struck.

A hunter, fighting the morning chill with a little brandy,

mistook her for a duck.

[gun firing]

Hey, cut it out down there. I'm not in season.

[Jacqueline] And now for disaster number three.

My Uncle Reggie's coming to Puerto Rico.

How nice.

Is he on your mother's or your father's side?

Neither. How's that?

Well, he's not actually my uncle.

[Jacqueline] Oh. Just a friend of the family.

Yes, but I'm the only friend he has left in the family.

Oh, the poor man. Why is that?

Well, for openers, he's lost three fortunes in his lifetime.

Why, goodness.

I would think that your family would have compassion for him.

The fortunes he lost were my father's,

my cousin's and a maiden aunt.

[Jacqueline] Sister Bertrille's instincts about people are usually sound.

But when I met Uncle Reggie, I thought she was dead wrong.

Disaster indeed.

He was a delight.

I hope you like it.

It's my pineapple inside-out cake.

That's upside-down.

I know it's supposed to be upside down.

That's what you call a pineapple inside-out, upside-down.

Well, whatever you call it,

if this doesn't win the next International Bakeout,

I'll demand an investigation.

Well, ladies,

this is the lovely Convent San Tanco.

It's charming. It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Would I be presumptuous

if possibly I offered a contribution

to help you in your work here?

Not at all. In fact, the more presumptuous, the better.

It's really not necessary, Uncle Reggie.

Of course it's not necessary, Elsie.

I want to.

Now how does $10 000 sound to you?

Uh, almost as sweet as Bach's Requiem Mass.

Are you kidding? Too little?

Oh, how does $20 000 sound?

20?

Have another piece of cake.

I--I really think that's too much generosity, Uncle Reggie.

Nonsense. What's money for?

As a matter of fact,

as soon as I can unfreeze my Swiss holdings,

I shall see to it that you get my certified check.

Of course, in the meanwhile, we can supplement our income,

that--that is, your income,

by leasing the oil rights to the land.

How do you know there's oil on the land?

But how do you know that there isn't?

Have you ever had a geologist's report?

No.

Well, I know a young graduate geologist

that'll do the whole job without a fee.

Judging from my experience in these matters,

I would say that this property might yield,

10 barrels a day.

But how do you know he'll find anything?

He owes me a favor.

Oh.

Is she really flying? I'm afraid so.

[Reverend Mother] Sister Bertrille, not when we are entertaining.

Sorry.

Why, that's remarkable!

That beats the--the Indian rope trick.

Can you do that any time that you want to?

It's not a trick, Uncle Reggie.

You see, it's simple aerodynamics.

When lift plus thrust is greater than load...

But this is... better than the oil!

Do you know what the circus world

would give for an act like that, or Ed Sullivan?

I--I don't want to lose my amateur standing.

Reverend Mother, Captain Fomento is here.

Uh, Captain Fomento?

Ask him to come in.

Captain Fomento?

Army?

Police.

I'm sorry to be barging in on your afternoon tea, Sisters,

but I'm on the trail of a car thief.

Car thief? Yes. A car thief.

The witnesses, they said, they saw the thief

heading towards the direction of the convent.

Uh, the only thief,

uh, person here is the uncle of Sister Bertrille.

Oh, yes, Captain Fomento.

I'd like you to meet my uncle...

I guess he stepped inside for a moment.

Captain Fomento, have they identified the thief?

Yes, yes, yes. It is a teenager,

but a very strange looking teenager.

Close cropped hair, no sideburns,

and dressed very, very neatly.

Well, I hope you find him.

Her.

[whistle blowing]

Oh.

Salazar. That's the signal, and I must answer him.

We have surrounded her.

Well, Mr. Perkins, where did you go?

I was in the chapel, Reverend Mother.

I felt the need of a little prayer.

Well, ladies, I think I'd better be going. Until tomorrow, then?

Tomorrow? I thought you were just passing through.

Elsie, my dear, my "passing through" days are finished.

Temporarily, of course.

I'm down here to take over the management

of a local firm that's having a little difficulty.

They need someone to bail them out.

This, of course, is my specialty.

What firm is that?

I don't think you ladies would be familiar with it.

Casino Carlos. What?

[people chattering]

[man] Come on.

Elsie, how nice of you to come to see me on my opening night.

This is fantastic.

That Mr. Perkins should turn out to be

practically a member of your family.

That's right. He is a practical uncle, not a registered one.

That is a more important recommendation to me

than even the excellent references

he brought from Las Vegas.

Uncle Reggie, I didn't know that you...

If you'll excuse me,

I have to go to dice table number three

and pick up the cash box.

See you later, Elsie. Bye.

Carlos, are you letting Uncle Reggie handle the cash?

Well, he's the pit boss. That's his job.

Why shouldn't I?

Those cash boxes,

they look so heavy and he's so...

Well, he's not very strong.

Well, he looks very healthy to me.

And he's very ingenious. Look.

[Bertrille] Those look like sun lamps.

[Carlos] They are sun lamps.

It was Reggie's idea.

A man can gamble and get a tan at the same time.

He may end up poorer,

but he will look a lot healthier.

That's ridiculous.

Why? That table has done

20 percent more business than ever before.

Hello, Sister. Hi.

Looking for someone?

No one in particular.

I was just wondering how Uncle Reggie's doing.

Oh, he's over there. But don't disturb him.

Why, what's he doing?

Well, he is cheating at poker.

Cheating at poker? You're letting him?

Well, relax.

He's just showing my customers what to watch for

when playing with strangers.

Another public service feature of Casino Carlos.

Brilliant man.

You were right. They're fascinated by it.

Carlos, like I said, it pays to advertise.

Brilliant idea. You did it again.

Look at the way they're all looking at the money.

They look so greedy.

Oh, but that's the whole point.

You see, it's psychological, my dear.

All the innocents will go back

to the gaming tables and try and win it all.

[baton tapping]

Oh.

I knew that sooner or later

that nincompoop was bound to show up.

Come in.

What can I do for you, Captain?

Well, unfortunately, although I am powerless to prevent this,

I feel that I must warn you that sooner or later,

one of these people is bound to make

one clean sweep of all this...

You see? I told you.

It was going to give you trouble already.

Do you have a broom?

[menacing music plays]

[man] Excuse me.

Well, Bruce, what do you think? Personally, I think

they're asking for trouble with that window.

Yes. Sooner or later, somebody's bound to knock it over.

[chuckling] Sooner than you think.

Lovely. How much do you think is in there?

Oh, enough to last us a year if we live frugally.

Thank you.

Ex-Excuse me, sir.

I--I seem to have misplaced my glasses.

Could you possibly read the date on that bill for me?

Be delighted. Thank you.

1935.

And the, uh, letters above and to the right?

"D-N-M."

A 1935.

Why, I can hardly believe it. That's fantastic.

1935 was a good year? Shh. Shh. Yeah.

This dollar bill is worth $6.50.

How's that again?

It's a collector's item. Silver certificate.

That's my hobby, collecting rare bills and coins.

Fascinating. And profitable.

Tell me more.

Are you interested in coin collecting?

I am now.

[Reggie] What do you see, Reverend Mother?

An Indian penny.

And what is the date?

1863.

Do you know the value of this penny?

Sure. You have five of those and you get a nickel.

Wrong. One of these will get you two dollars.

And do you know why? No.

Well, neither do I. But a gentleman

at the Casino Carlos cocktail bar explained to me

that it had something to do with the "L" in the Indian's bonnet.

Now be that as it may, I own a two dollar penny.

How fortunate for you, Mr. Perkins.

Not for me, Reverend Mother, for the convent.

As I promised you I'd help you with your financial burdens,

and I believe that I've found the perfect way to do it.

Why, I plan to make this convent

a veritable Taj Mahal of the Caribbean.

Now, this looks like an ordinary dollar bill, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Now, can either of you guess how much it's worth?

We give up.

Exactly one dollar.

Swell!

Do you know why?

Because George Washington

doesn't have an "L" in his bonnet.

Exactly.

In other words, it's just a run-of-the-mill,

ordinary dollar bill.

But, if it had "1875 7F,"

it would be worth $3.50.

How fascinating.

Yes. I had this friend in high school who was a numis...

Um, um, a numis...

Uh, um, he was a coin collector.

Of course, this is far from being a child's game, my dear,

but it is a perfect way to raise money for the convent.

Where are we going to look for all that money?

Where else?

[laughs]

Quit beating around the bush.

Yes or no? No.

We should go back to beating around the bush. Why not?

I can't have my counting room full of nuns.

It will discourage the gamblers.

We'd do it after closing hours.

What do you say? You're not getting to me.

Look at it this way.

Instead of running to you every time we're in trouble,

we'd be self-sufficient.

Now you're getting to me.

Well, I must admit it is a novel way to raise funds,

but after 2:00 in the morning?

How will you all stay awake?

Just the thought of all those valuable coins and bills

will be enough to keep me perky.

And I took three nips today.

Naps, Sister.

Okay, I took three naps of cooking sherry.

Well, anyway, my uncle Reggie

sent us some coin catalogs from San Juan

and we've been studying them.

At least Sister Jacqueline has.

They don't seem too difficult, do they?

Well, learning about coins is a cinch,

if you have a good mind for Chinese puzzles.

Reverend Mother, a Sister Mary Grace is here to see you.

Sister Mary Grace?

I don't believe that I know a... Where is she from?

I don't know.

But she spoke as though you were expecting her.

Oh. Well, ask her to come in.

[Reverend Mother] Do any of you know this Sister?

[Ana] Sister Mary Grace.

[tune for shocking revelation]

Hello.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were at dinner.

Welcome, Sister.

Won't you join us?

Sister Sixto, will you set another place, please?

Reverend Mother, I'd like to express my thanks.

It's very kind of you to let me stay here.

Not at all.

Sister, I must admit that

I--I do not really know who you are.

What?

Oh.

You mean you didn't get the bishop's letter from Uganda?

Bishop's letter?

Oh.

The mails from Africa are so unreliable.

Oh, I really feel like a fool.

[Faye] Maybe you don't even have room.

Perhaps I'd best go to a hotel.

Not at all. You're most welcome in any case.

Uh, Uganda? Isn't that in Central Africa?

Yes. I've been serving at the mission there

for the past two years.

And now I'm on my way to my new assignment in Chile.

Oh, wow! Join a convent and see the world.

[Faye] And then in the evenings,

after we had made our rounds at the jungle hospital,

Dr. Mullaney would sit at the organ and he'd play Bach.

Oh, it was truly the most rewarding experience.

Oh.

[Sixto] What's the matter? What is it?

[groaning]

What?

Uh, may I have a glass of water, please?

Oh, are you ill, Sister?

It--It is just a touch of malaria. It'll pass.

There you are.

There you are.

Thank you.

"George Washington, 1932 D."

Oh, George Washington. My favorite president.

Is it worth anything?

Oh, are you joking?

I'd have to read a book to know how to look it up.

It happens to be a VG, Sister.

And worth about $30.

VG?

Very good.

Do you happen to be a--a num...

[stuttering]

A coin collector?

My father was, and he was the one who got me interested.

In fact, I still have a complete set

of 1928 "A" dollars in XF condition.

XF. I know what that is.

Like extra fancy, like canned peaches, right?

Actually, it means extra fine.

My, this is going to be fun.

Why, in Uganda, nobody knew a 1937 PDS Arkansas

from a Walking Liberty Half.

Oh, it's fantastic.

Well, it's just like you've been sent here.

Beg pardon?

Tell me, what are you doing at 2:00 tonight?

I'd like you to meet Sister Mary Grace.

She's visiting us.

Would you believe, she's an expert on coins.

Oh, you must be a very welcome visitor.

Well, I have to leave.

Reggie's locking up, but he'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, you have to go? I have to visit a sick friend.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Well, it's an emergency.

I know, she can't get the cork out of the champagne bottle.

Sister Bertrille, I'm leaving you my money.

Would you please leave my life alone?

What's that?

Oh, this is a burglar alarm.

If I don't disconnect it before I open the vault,

it will go off in Fomento's office.

And he'll come running here... in a day or two.

No peeking.

[Sixto sneezing]

[Faye] Bless you.

[Bruce] Did you have any trouble getting away?

[Faye] Nope. I had to get my malaria pills.

Hmm.

Whoa. This vile cigarette tastes so good.

Tell me about the alarm.

It's a Pittsburgh Maccadan. Simple on and off switch,

and it's hidden behind a painting,

behind the desk in the office.

Good. Did you get a look

at the first number of the combination?

Yeah. It's set at five, and the first turn is to the right.

[chuckling] Lovely reception.

I'll just slow it down a bit.

Yeah. I'll get it.

Yeah, write this down, would you?

[clicking]

One, two, three, four. It started at five.

That's nine to the right.

Yeah.

[clicking]

One, two, three, four, five, six.

That's three to the left.

[clicking]

One, two, three. That's six to the right.

[sneezing]

[Faye] Bless you.

That's Sister Sixto catching cold.

Well, that's it.

To the right, nine. To the left three.

And to the right, six. Lovely.

Now you'd better get back to the convent.

As soon as I finish my cigarette.

No. Take a mint instead, all right?

Listen, relax. Don't be nervous. The worst is over.

What time do you go back to the counting room?

Tonight. The usual time. Good.

At exactly 2:30, you'll get a violent attack of malaria.

Oh.

There we go.

You got one?

Thanks.

Oh, this is a good one. Look.

Oh. Oh.

[all chattering]

[sighing]

What is it? Sister, what is it?

What's the matter?

Oh, I'm sorry. It's my malaria.

Oh, my. Where are your pills?

P-Pills, in--in the purse.

You didn't bring your purse with you.

It's not here.

I'm sorry... Do you know where it is?

I must have left it in the station.

Oh, my. We're locked in.

Wait a minute.

It'll be all right. Just take it easy.

Uncle Reggie. [Reggie] Yes.

Open up. It's an emergency.

Right away.

What's the matter?

She had an MA. An MA?

A malaria attack.

Her pills are in her purse in the station wagon.

P-purse in the station wagon. I'll go get them.

Thanks.

[tense music playing]

The purse wasn't in the car. Oh.

Oh.

I must have left it at the convent.

I'm afraid you'll have to take me back.

I'm truly sorry.

That's all right.

That's all right. The money won't disappear.

Cleaned out. Every last dime.

Not every last dime, Se�orRamirez. No.

Ah! I have a few questions I would like to ask you.

First of all, how much actually was stolen?

About $50 000 more or less.

Se�orRamirez, if we want to get down to the bottom of this,

we must get the actual facts.

Now, which is it? More or less?

$49 500 and then some odd dollars, if you must know.

What's the difference?

The important thing is, who stole it?

49 500.

No change?

No change. No change.

All right. Now second question is,

what happened to the burglar alarm?

[Carlos] Oh, I found these.

They were blocking the circuit.

[Fomento] This looks like pieces of a swizzle stick.

Hmm. We shall begin

the interrogation with your bartender.

I think we'd better begin the interrogation with Uncle Reggie.

Sister Bertrille's Uncle Reggie? Uh-huh.

[Fomento] You must be kidding.

I hate to say it, but he was the last one to leave last night

and he had the combination.

That does not prove that he is guilty.

He also left the hotel with no forwarding address!

We shall forget the bartender and interrogate Uncle Reggie.

As soon as I heard there was a robbery,

I just knew you'd pin it on Uncle Reggie.

Take it easy, Sister.

He couldn't have taken that money.

Well, we never said he did.

See? I told you they'd be fair.

A man is innocent until proven guilty.

You're right.

The only trouble that we may have

is finding him to prove that he is innocent.

You see? Just because he's left his hotel.

You don't know why he left.

Maybe there's not enough hot water

or too much noise. Or maybe anything, you don't know!

Relax, relax. Relax. Okay. He didn't do it.

Well, if you tell me that you really believe he didn't do it.

Okay, I believe it.

Thank you, Carlos. Thank you.

Oh, why did he do it?

[Jacqueline] This used to be the peaceful Convent San Tanco,

untouched by scandal of any kind.

[Fomento] You will step forward one at a time, please,

and give details of your involvement

with Se�orReginald Overton Perkins.

[Jacqueline] Meanwhile, in a house on the outskirts of San Tanco...

[inaudible]

[Jacqueline] And in the skies over San Tanco

a heartbroken young novice was calling...

Uncle Reggie!

Uncle Reggie!

Tune in next week to Part Two ofThe Great Casino Robbery.

[end theme playing]

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