Original subtitles

[main theme playing]

[whistling noise]

[barking]

[boy imitating plane whirring]

[audience laughing]

Blast you, Red Baron. I'll get you yet.

Please get my airplane, Sister.

Now look, Ace. You've scored one direct hit and three possibles.

That's enough missions for any kid with a sore throat.

[gentle music playing]

Sister Bertrille, I think I will fly the kite now.

I think you will take a nap now.

[newsreader] Now for news of local interest.

While being taken into custody,

an alleged bank robber escaped early this morning,

according to police reports.

The fugitive, Ignacio Ferrante,

is believed to be hiding out in the vicinity of San Tanco.

And now, news...

[clicks off]

[thinking] Now just get ahold of yourself.

Just because you're alone in the convent

with a sick kid is no reason to fall apart.

Yeah? If that's no reason, what is?

Now calm down and try to remember

you're under the protection

of our fearless Captain of Police.

Captain Fomento?

[cheerful music]

[relaxing yet lively music]

[loud crunching]

[rhythmic, soft music]

[chiming]

[thinking] Try to remember that you're in the Convent San Tanco,

not Dracula's castle.

[ringing]

Hello, hello?

[woman] This is Lupe. Can I come over?

Why, sure.

You won't believe what I've been through.

I don't know what I'll do with him.

He's driving meloca. He is, huh?

I'll tell you about it when I come over.

He mopes around. Doesn't listen to a word I say.

Last night, he left the house

and didn't get back till morning.

Oh, uh, maybe he's visiting a sick friend.

A dog visiting a sick friend?

Calling your husband names isn't gonna...

Husband?

I'm talking about my dog. Who is this?

This is Sister Bertrille.

I was calling Constantina.

Oh...

Does this mean you're not coming over?

[phone clicks]

[thinking] You know what will calm you down?

Hah. A short flight.

[mellow music]

[audience laughs]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

[audience chuckling]

[tapping hard bread]

[clock chiming]

[clock continues chiming]

[garbage disposal whirring]

[audience laughing uproariously]

[screaming]

[both screaming]

Sister Bertrille.

Captain Fomento, I'm so glad you're here.

I heard a scream. A scream?

Yes. Where?

Well, the... That was me.

What was the trouble?

Captain, there's an intruder in the convent.

Intruder? Oh, where? Where?

Well, I don't know where he is,

but I know what he smokes. Just come with me.

It's an interesting blend of American and Turkish tobacco.

Latakia, a pinch of cavendish and a drop of Virginia.

Low in tar and high in nicotine.

And you get a coupon with every package.

That's wonderful. How do you know that?

It's my cigarette, Sister.

Where's everybody else?

They're at the Contessa Valadon's charity party.

She gives one every year for the convent.

I had to stay behind and take care of a sick kid.

May I help you? Well, no.

Actually, I was just passing by to warn the Reverend Mother

that if in case any...

Well, being that she is not here,

there is no point at all then.

Warn her? Warn her about what?

There is really nothing to worry about.

In fact, you can take it out of your mind completely.

But do not open the doors to strangers,

especially if he wears a mustache

and above all, do not be frightened.

I'm already frightened.

So you might as well tell me who I'm frightened of.

This big mouth of mine, I don't know...

Being that the cat is out of the bag, I might as well tell you.

Ignacio Ferrante, bank robber,

while being taken into custody, he escaped.

And he is now in the neighborhood, right now.

I heard about it on the radio. Is he dangerous?

Well, only if armed.

Is he armed?

Like a regiment.

Good day, Sister. You're not leaving?

The sooner I go, the sooner Ferrante will be captured.

Would you like some coffee? You don't understand.

This is an all-point bulletin. Some cherry pie?

A la mode? I've got all officers

from here to San Felipe. They're going to...

Do you have vanilla ice cream? Tons of it.

I'll just have three scoops. Okay.

How about another piece of pie, Captain?

Some coffee?

Two portions are more than sufficient.

Well, I must be going.

You're not gonna eat and run, are you?

I am so full I can't run. But I will walk.

What would you like for dinner?

Sister, you do not understand.

There is a criminal at large.

We're having steak smothered in onions.

Yes, but I... Smothered. What time are you serving?

Any minute. No, Sister, really.

You're acting like a young hysterical girl.

Well, I am a young hysterical girl.

[whispering] What was that?

I don't hear a sound.

Neither do I. That's what's scary.

You said he was a professional burglar,

so he wouldn't make a sound, right?

Right.

Well, we didn't hear a sound.

Maybe the sound we didn't hear is the one he isn't making.

[audience laughing]

[mellow music]

[tires screeching]

[newsreader] And now for the news of the local scene.

There are no new developments

in the search for the alleged bank robber

who escaped from the police

while in custody early this morning.

According to the San Tanco police officials,

the man is known as Ignacio Ferrante.

He is 6'4", weighs 230 pounds

and has a black mustache.

[Bertrille] Yes?

[man] My poor automobile is in need of water.

I would deem it an act of mercy if I could get some here.

Okay. Come on in.

[exhaling]

May the, uh, saints bless you, Sister.

There's plenty more where that came from.

Goodness me, you look as thirsty as your car.

How about some iced tea?

That's very kind of you, Sister, but, uh, I am in a great hurry.

Rush, rush, that's the trouble with the world today.

How about some cherry pie to go with your iced tea?

Thank you, but no.

I'd consider it a great favor if you'd stay for a while.

Sister, are you trying to keep me here?

Well, frankly, yes.

You see, there's this escaped bank robber lurking around...

Well, I'm afraid to be alone.

Relax yourself.

This is the last place a bank robber would hide.

Take it from me.

Not if he was clever.

I mean, who'd think of looking for him here?

[whimpering]

Forgive me for saying this, Sister.

I mean it only in the greatest respect,

but you have a very good criminal mind.

Cherry pie, huh?

Yeah, on second thought, I think I'll stay and have some iced tea

and cherry pie.

Oh, thank you.

I feel so much safer

knowing there's a man around the convent.

So you see, there are three roads.

And if you don't wanna take the highway,

then you can take the other two roads to San Raphael.

I'm very grateful to you, Sister, for the information.

Wouldn't you like some more iced tea?

Sister, if I were a camel

I would have enough iced tea in me

to cross the Sahara... non-stop.

You can't go.

There's a lot you haven't told me about yourself.

What do you mean?

You told me you're a salesman. So what do you sell?

Nothing that would interest you.

Try me. We're always buying things. What's your line?

I sell, uh, coffins.

Well, you're in luck. We're in the market for a coffin.

[sighing]

Somebody died?

No, but why wait till the last minute?

Why don't you sit down,

and you can give me your sales pitch.

Well, I'm sorry, Sister. I sell only wholesale.

Now I must go.

[door creaking]

Now, you said we were alone.

Don't frighten the child.

Felix, hello. How are you? Come on in.

Felix, t-t-this is S-S-Se�orSmith.

That looks like a gun, doesn't it? Well, it's not.

It's one of those things that shoots blanks,

you know, when they start races?

[Felix] You are going to have a race?

[Bertrille] No, not right this second.

Se�orSmith, you can put it away.

No, no, Sister.

It needs to be polished.

Well, Se�orSmith was just leaving.

"SMITH": No, no, I'm sorry, Sister.

Now that you know the reason for my visit,

I think we have many things to discuss.

[Felix] Oh, I know.

You're going to adopt a child from the orphanage, yes?

That's it. Heh.

And we were just going over the stock.

Well, don't look at me, senor. I'm already taken.

Next week, I go to live in San Tomas with my new parents.

[Bertrille] That's very interesting. But it's beddy-bye time for Felix.

Come on. All right. Upstairs to bed. Take a nap.

I just finished my nap. Take another one.

But I'm hungry.

Then I'll bring you a sandwich upstairs, okay?

Yes, Sister. All right.

Thank you for not frightening the child.

And who else is here?

Nobody, honest. They all went to a party.

Yeah.

Where do you think you're going, huh? Ah, ah.

I was just gonna show you to the door.

Now you've made it impossible for me to leave.

As soon as I walk out the door, you'll call the police.

Call the police? Why should I do that?

I don't have anything against you.

You would swear this on the holy Bible?

That's not cricket.

Se�or! It must be a boy, senor?

I mean if you don't like Manuel, you can adopt Olivia.

She may not be a boy,

but she's the best second-baseman on our team.

Tell him her batting average, Sister.

Three sixty-five.

I'll put her down on my list.

Now go to bed, pronto.

Yes, sir.

Now, let me see, where were we?

Oh. Yes, about me calling the police.

May I make a suggestion? Certainly.

Give yourself up.

Sister, I like you. Don't spoil it with stupid remarks.

[police siren wailing]

That must be Captain Fomento coming back.

The police? San Tanco's finest.

You might as well give yourself up.

You're practically surrounded. I don't surround easy, Sister.

And if I am caught, I will take you and the boy with me.

Where?

Just follow the direction of the gun.

Oh. Out this way. Come on.

Sister Bertrille!

Captain? I didn't hear you knocking.

There's a black Sedan parked in front of the convent.

I'm suspicious because I've never seen...

Captain, have you met the Mother General?

Then it is your car.

For a moment I thought that...

Well, never mind.

I'm glad you have company.

I'm happy to meet you, Mother General.

Are you, uh, enjoying your stay?

I said, are you... She's taken a vow of silence.

Oh.

Oh, no.

You'd better do as she says.

Excuse me, I do not wish to pry, Mother General.

But if you are... Excuse me.

If you are silent, how can you give orders?

Oh.

"It is not easy."

"It is not easy," huh? Very good. Very good.

Incidentally, did you tell the Mother General about the...

She knows. She knows.

Fear not, Mother General,

because we know that Ignacio Ferrante

will not be able to escape our dragnet.

Did you hear that, Mother General?

"Why?" Good question.

I will show you why.

See here now, there are only three escape routes

that he can take.

One will be Cienega Pass,

one, Avenida Colombo,

and the other is Bolivar Freeway.

But the police force from San Raphael

will be guarding Cienega Pass.

And the police force from San Juan

will be guarding Avenida Colombo.

If he should be so foolish, but so very, very, very foolish

to try to escape through the Bolivar Freeway,

Sergeant Salazar will be there ready to crush him.

[audience laughing]

Like this cream pie.

I finished the sandwich.

Hello, Captain Fomento. Oh, hello, Felix.

Where is the man?

[Fomento] Man? Man? What man?

Man? Oh, man, man.

He means the man who came here.

He wanted some iced tea for his car...

Water for his radiator.

[Fomento] Did he have a mustache?

Not when he came in.

He could have shaven it off. I don't think so.

He wouldn't have looked good with a mustache.

[Fomento] Can you describe him to me?

I think he looked a little like...

Oh...

You better take another nap. Sleep, sleep...

When I grow up,

I'm never sleeping again as long as I live.

These children.

Mother General, could you keep an eye on Sister Bertrille?

You know, she with the big heart that she has,

she would invite Jack the Ripper to supper.

Well, I must be going.

You're not leaving now, are you?

I will be back in an hour.

What is it, Mother General?

Yes.

You will like a gun for your protection?

I'm afraid of guns. She's afraid of guns.

Terrified.

"I am not." She is not.

Yes, but if you give us your gun

then you'll be unprotected and...

But I always carry an extra weapon in my car.

[Fomento] Mother General, do you know how to use a gun?

No. I'd like to show you.

This is a revolver, of course.

And it holds six rounds.

Now, to release the chamber, you must...

And...

I bet you were a general before you were a Mother General.

And the first rule is not to point the gun, no.

You see, it has a sensitive trigger and...

And it will go off

unless you put your hands on your head, pronto.

Ignacio Ferrante, it is my duty

to advise you of your constitutional rights.

One, you have the right to be silent.

Two, anything you say can and will be held against you

in any court of the law.

Three, you are allowed to make one telephone call

to speak to your attorney.

Four, you will never get through the road block.

A captain of police driving the car,

two nuns in the backseat,

one holding a gun to the Captain's head,

will get through.

I believe you are right.

However, I will not take another step.

Repeat that statement.

I think what he means is that he can't take another step

because his boots are too tight.

No.

I will not take another step because I choose not to.

Ferrante, you will get to your car only over my dead body.

As you wish.

Captain, this is no time to be a hero.

What other time do I have?

Fining litterbugs?

Giving tickets for overtime parking?

Arresting jaywalkers?

An opportunity like this comes once in a lifetime.

Ferrante, as an officer of the law,

I demand that you give yourself up without a struggle

unless you wish to experience the true meaning...

[wind blowing]

...of police brutality.

Sister Bertrille, I want you to...

I want you to witness a single-handed capture.

I'll testify to that.

You see, Sister?

The only way to treat a bully is to stand up to him.

She...

You... fly... in the air like a bird.

She flew like a bird. In the air like a bird. Big bird.

Se�or,if you think that you're going

to get out of this by pleading insanity...

you're out of your mind.

March!

Like a bird...

[knocking on door]

Who is it?

[Fomento] Captain Fomento.

How do I know it's Captain Fomento?

Oh, please, open the door, Sister.

This is Captain Fomento.

Oh, it's Captain Fomento, all right.

You can always use the back door.

How'd it go? H-H-How did it go?

Ignacio Ferrante is safely behind bars.

Mmm-hmm.

The Reverend Mother's office.

That will be the best place.

For what?

For the interview.

Interview? What interview?

On television. Yes. On television.

We are going to be interviewed for the 6:00 news.

They should be here any moment.

What kind of questions will they ask?

What do reporters ask? Questions, of course.

[ringing]

Hello?

Yes, Reverend Mother.

Oh, we're fine.

You did? She heard it on the radio.

Uh, yes, and we're going to be interviewed

on television in a few minutes.

I wasn't scared. Terrified is the word.

Oh, Reverend Mother, you should have seen him.

Those cold black eyes and that horrible sneer on his face,

holding a gun at our heads.

But Captain Fomento stood right up to him.

I've never seen a man so brave in the face of death.

I mean, he was unarmed, facing a loaded gun held by a madman.

It's a miracle Ferrante didn't just

pull the trigger and blow our heads...

[thudding]

I'll call you back, Reverend Mother.

I have another emergency.

[audience laughing]

[end theme playing]

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