All language subtitles for The Flying Nun s02e05 The Convent Is Condemned.eng

♪♪

[Jacqueline]
The monthly old clothes drive was always

a busy time around
the Convent San Tanco.

Some of the old clothes
we collected

were in fine condition.

Take this suit I'm holding.

Obviously worn by
a little old man in Pasadena

to go to and from the bank.

In a getaway car.
[chuckles]

Speaking of getaway cars,

that brings us to
señor Gaspar Fomento,

our fearless
Captain of Police.

A man who has
dedicated his life

to stamping out crime
in San Tanco.

How do you do, Captain Fomento?
Captain.

So my information
was correct.

You are collecting clothes,
huh?

Well, we might
as well confess.

Uh, we're a front
for a used clothing ring.

Making light
of the situation

does not alter the fact

that you are breaking
the law.

Well, Captain, what is
the charge this time?

I'm glad you asked.

Ah. Yes.
Page 67.

Sixty... Ah. Yes.

"According to the Civil Code,
article 27, paragraph two,

"all charitable organizations
must apply for permits

"for fundraising activities
30 days in advance.

"violators are
subject to a fine."

Please understand,
Reverend Mother,

I am as pious
as the next man.

I have the utmost respect

for the Sisters
of the convent,

but as an officer
of the law,

I cannot take sides.

I must act as if it was
my own mother,

who I arrested yesterday.

You're kidding?

A jaywalker
is a jaywalker.

♪♪

[Jacqueline]
We got the permit

and began searching far
and wide for used clothing.

Sister Bertrille, naturally,
searched farther and wider.

As usual,
she ended up with a donor

who would give
the shirt off his back.

Without my casino, San Tanco
would be a ghost town.

Okay. No, no.

That's very nice of you.

If I change my mind
I will let you know.

Okay. Bye-bye.

The mayor of San Felipe again?
Again.

Now he's offered to
give me the land free

and to build a new casino,

if I bring my business
into his town.

You have to be crazy
to turn down

an offer like that.
Yeah, but I have loyalty

to the people of this town,

and then there is
the Sisters.

Sisters?
Yeah.

I thought
you only had one sister.

At the convent,
those Sisters.

[knock on door]
Come in.

Hi, Ramon. Hi, Carlos.

Ha!
Speaking of the devil,

if you excuse the expression.

Excuse me.

What can I do for you,
Sister?

Well, it's that time
of the year again.

What time of the year
is that exactly?

The milk fund drive?
No.

The building fund drive?

No.
The old clothes drive.

Too late.

My brother-in-law
beat you to it.

Well, who's he collecting for?
Himself.

He's the best-dressed man
in the unemployment office.

Well,
better luck next year.

Lovely. Bye.

It's brand new. Bye.

I just love that
new mature look.

Dibs on it next year
when you get tired of it.

Bye.
Bye. Wait.

What do you mean,
mature look?

I mean, mature,
like older.

I'm glad you're finally
giving up that playboy image.

Bye.

Wait a minute!

This makes me look older?

I'm sorry I said it. Bye.

No, no, no. I mean,
this is a very youthful style.

It certainly is.

On the right person.

What?

Boy, it will look
really fantastic

with a pair
of Oxford gray slacks.

SeñorRamirez, five more
ashtrays have been stolen.

Yeah, I know.
But señorRamirez,

that makes 15 ashtrays
in the last week

that have been stolen.
Yeah, I know.

Mmm.
I don't think so.

You don't think so what?

Well, that coat makes you
look like a young man

who's trying very...
Out, Sister.

Out the door.
[mumbling]

Oh, Sister Bertrille.

I know,
I'm walking 15 miles an hour

in a five-mile-an-hour zone,
right?

Very funny, Sister,
very, very funny.

But this has to do
with your old clothes drive.

I'll be right there.

[knock on door]

Captain, you have something
you'd like to donate?

Can you use a second-hand
Captain uniform?

Sure.
Where do I pick it up?

Right here.
I'm wearing it.

I'm thinking of turning in
my resignation.

Your resignation? Why?
Why?

Number one, this town
offers no challenge

for a man who has
been formally trained

in the science
of Criminology.

Number two,

the chief of police
has requested it.

Your own brother-in-law?

Yes, we had
a difference of opinion.

You see,
I made out a citation

for litterbugging
and he got angry.

Why?
He was the litterbug.

I could get my sister
to talk him out of it.

But why bother?

Nothing ever happens
here anyway.

Oh, what a shame.

Well, as soon as
the tour season starts,

I'm sure there'll be lots
more crime, so cheer up.

Sister, how can you take
matters so lightly?

I really...
How would you like it,

if suddenly there will be
no more sinners?

Huh? Huh?

I can't believe there aren't
any crooks in San Tanco.

As a matter of fact,

I happen to know
that there are.

Where? Where? Where?

Carlos' Casino.

Someone's been
stealing ashtrays.

Ashtrays?
Yeah, I know it's not much,

but those ashtrays mount up,

and they're...
No, Sister, Sister.

There is no such thing
as small crime.

Only small criminals.

A crime wave at my casino?
Who told you that?

We are not allowed
to give out names.

We protect
our police informers.

Well, I assure you, Captain,

that nothing
has been stolen from here.

I know you are denying it
because you are afraid

that the publicity
is bad for your casino.

I'll assure you that
when I'll handle the case,

it'll be done
with the greatest discretion.

Now, it need not go any further
than these four walls.

Captain, I really don't
want you to...

What are you doing?

Oh, I am inspecting
for fingerprints.

On my desk?

Could be an inside job.

You know something?

I don't believe you.
Now, you listen to me...

Look,
it's a beautiful print.

That's my hand.

Then I was right.
It is an inside job.

Captain, if I knew
what you heard was stolen,

maybe I can help you.

I have received a report

from, uh, one
of the police informers

that your casino is a victim
of a stolen ashtray ring.

[blowing]

That's why
I never wear blue.

Picks up so many of these
little things, you know.

You don't understand,
Captain.

I wanted those ashtrays
to be stolen.

In fact, I encourage
the customers to steal them.

Let me read to you
from the criminal code.

Page 79, hmm-mmm,

section c,
paragraph two.

"Any person convicted
of inciting another

to a criminal act..."
No, Captain.

"...shall himself be deemed

"as abetting the crime"
But what happened...

"...and subject to up to
five years imprisonment

"and a maximum fine
of 10,000 dollars."

Captain, customers like
to take ashtrays as souvenirs.

That's why
I had printed on them,

"stolen
from Casino Carlos."

It's supposed
to be amusing.

All right.
I will have a look around.

Captain. Captain, please.
No, no. Please.

There are customers out there.

Are you afraid
of something, señor?

Yes. I have this terrible fear
of bankruptcy.

SeñorRamirez, I order you
to step aside, please.

[people chattering]

You are under arrest.

I demand to know
the meaning of this.

Sit down.

[screaming]

You're under arrest, too.

You're under arrest!
Please, please, everybody.

It's just
a little misunderstanding.

You are under arrest, too.
So lock your front door,

and don't let anyone leave.
Uh-huh. No one leave.

Your brother-in-law said
I could have this

if you part...
Not now, Sister.

with your gabardine...
Please, not now.

That man, Fomento,
is raiding my place.

Ask me who I'm calling.
Who are you calling?

I'm calling
the mayor of San Felipe.

Ask me why I'm calling
the mayor of San Felipe.

Why are you calling...?
I'm accepting the offer

to move my casino there.
Carlos,

you're not serious?

[engaged tone]

It's not my day.
His line is busy.

You know, Carlos,

it isn't entirely
Captain Fomento's fault?

Oh, it isn't?
Isn't he out there now,

ruining my business

because somebody reported
stolen ashtrays?

Well, I only told him
that to cheer him up.

You told him that?

Well, I thought it would
give him something to do...

Oh. That I don't believe.

You won't call the mayor...?
Oh, no.

I'm going to fly there
and make the deal in person

so I'm sure that nothing
goes wrong.

Oh.

There we are.

A nice little slip
for a young girl,

or a miniskirt
for a stylish stout.

Oh, we're doing fine,
Sister Sixto.

There's only
a few more things left.

But I'm afraid you're
doing all the work,

Sister Jacqueline.

I'm not very fast
with needle and thread,

I sew like molasses
in February.

January.

My molasses is so slow,

it takes them
two months to move.

Hi.
Hi.

Hi. Ah!

I think you'd better take
an Iodine break, Sister.

[groaning]

Sister Jacqueline?Mmm-hmm.

Shall I use red thread
or white?

That depends on
what you're planning to sew.

My mouth. Maybe then
I wouldn't be so apt

to put my foot in it?

You shouldn't feel that way.

Because of me,
the convent is losing

the best friend it ever had.

You acted with
the best of intentions.

If one is willing
to forgive others,

one should forgive oneself.

What if you weren't a nun?

Use white thread.

I wonder if it's too late

to take the vow of silence.
[chuckles]

When the Reverend Mother
returns from San Juan

and finds out we're losing

the most generous patron
the convent had,

and it's all my fault,
she'll flip.

The Reverend Mother
is a very understanding woman.

I'm sure she'll unflip
eventually.

Look, why don't you try
to find

a nice tail wind
this afternoon and relax?

Good thinking.
Ah...

The worst part is,
Carlos needs us

just as much as we need him.

I mean,
we're like family to him.

We're a pain in the neck,

we're interfering
with his personal life,

and we're always
needing money.

I mean,
what are relatives for?

I'm serious.

With all of Carlos'
yelling and screaming,

he loves helping us out.

It gives him the feeling
of being needed.

[cawing]
You're right.

We got to stop Carlos
from making

the biggest mistake
of his whole life.

Yeah. Okay.

Shoo away home.
Shoo away. Shoo away home.

I'm positive,
Sister Jacqueline.

I know Carlos
and he just isn't happy

unless he's miserable.

Then we've made him
the happiest man in the world.

Sister Jacqueline, put down
the needle and get the wrench.

The hot water heater
just blew up.

[groans]

There are teaching orders,

nursing orders,
but I daresay

we're the first
plumbing order.

In the old days,
I could've just gone

to Carlos to donate
a new heater.

Well, those days
are gone forever, Sister.

Not necessarily.

Just what did you
have in mind?

Well, if Carlos
thought the convent

was in real trouble,

I'm sure
he'd stay in San Tanco.

Well, I hardly think
a hot water heater

is going to change
his plans.

No, but suppose it was
something more serious?

Captain Fomento is here.
Good.

Sister Bertrille,
you sent for me?

Yes. Nice to see you, Captain.
Have a seat.

Thank you.
Uh-huh.

Uh, I think
this one over here

is much more comfortable.

Thank you.

Now, you're probably wondering
why I asked you here.

You see, I have kind
of a special request.

I thought perhaps
I might be able to bring

some of the children
down to the police station

on sort of a field trip.

Being that we've never had
such a famous criminologist

here in San Tanco before.
I...

I appreciate
your compliment, Sister,

but I-I still have
to give you a citation.

Citation? What for?

The faulty wiring.
Oh, yes.

Well, how can it
be faulty if it works?

Sometimes I wish my eyes
were not so sharp.

Let me read to you
something, yeah?

Hmm-mmm.
Page 99,

section a, paragraph two.

"All electrical conductors
must be properly insulated

"and no single outlet
can carry

"over 400 Watts
of AC or DC current."

[coughing]

Well,
if we're breaking the law,

I guess
you must do your duty.

That's right.
Excuse me, Sister.

What-what is it,
Sister Jacqueline?

Be sure nobody lights
a match in the kitchen.

There's a leak in the gas pipe.
My word.

Gas pipe.

Faulty wiring,
leak in the gas pipe.

And we're not absolutely
sure of that, Captain.

[explosion]

Now you can write it down.

While I kept
Captain Fomento occupied,

Sister Bertrille arranged
another disaster,

or two.

It appears to me
that there are

some serious violations
of the building code

in your convent, Sister.

I can assure you,
Captain,

that outside
of a little faulty wiring

and an explosion
in the kitchen,

you will find that the rest
of the convent

is in, uh, fair condition.

The prediction
was for clear skies.

Oh, my goodness,
Captain.

What seems to have
happened here?

Obviously, there is something
wrong with your roof.

Oh, yes, well, I-I guess

perhaps some of the tiles
have blown loose

and the insulation
is cracked in a few places.

Defective roofing.

Oh, excuse me,
Sister Jacqueline,

we need some more candles.

Oh, there are some
in the basement, Sister.

Thank you.

Uh, Captain,
step over to the fire

and you can dry yourself.

Why don't you sit
closer to the fire?

Yes. Thank you.

[clattering]

What was that?

To me it sounded like
Sister Sixto

falling down
the rotten basement steps.

Excuse me, aren't you going
to find out if she's hurt?

[Jacqueline] Oh, she never gets hurt.

And besides, the water
will break her fall.

Oh, the water.
The water?

In the basement.

You got a flooded basement?

[Bertrille] But don't worry
about a thing.

Sister Sixto's
a very strong swimmer.

Rotting stairs,
strong swimmer...

Strong swimmer.

Flooded basement.

Oh, I'm sorry, Captain.

Why, that must be
that clogged chimney again.

Naturally.
[coughing]

You giving us
another citation, Captain?

Another citation?

Of course not.

[coughing]

This convent is condemned.

The convent is condemned?

That's right.

I-I guess it's the end
of the convent,

unless a miracle happens.

Well, you are
in that business.

Yes. Well,
I-I realize, Carlos,

that it really isn't
any of your concern.

After all, you're going
to San Felipe,

and I imagine
you'll be very happy there.

I'm sure I will be.

I mean, there won't
be any Captain Fomento

or-or any nuns
like me to bother you.

That's true.

Well, I just thought
I'd tell you the news.

Okay. Thank you.

Well...

Good-goodbye, Carlos.

Goodbye, Sister.

Good... Good luck.
Good luck to you. Bye-bye.

You, too.

[sighs]

I just thought
I never thanked you

for the wonderful
things you've done

for the grand old convent
and we'll never forget them.

When we're standing there
with tears,

watching the grand
old convent being torn down,

we'll remember
that if it hadn't been

for our good friend
Carlos Ramirez,

the convent would've been
torn down a long time ago.

Sister Bertrille,
I could cry.

You could?

If I didn't feel
like laughing.

To think that you would
go through all this

just to keep me here.
Just to...

Just to keep me here.

You're angry?

Of course I'm angry.

And touched.

Now confess it.
You made all this up.

Well, it's a nice feeling
to be wanted,

but why do I
have to be wanted

by a convent of kooks?

You're right, Carlos.

We don't have any right
to ask you to stay.

I mean,
it's your life to live,

such as it is.

So, don't worry about us.

We'll get along
without you...

somehow.

Sister Bertrille,

why don't you quit
when you're ahead?

You'll stay?

Yeah.

Really?
Yeah.

I would be crazy
to move to San Felipe

and have a happy,
carefree life

when I can stay here
and have a crisis

every hour on the hour.

Don't look now,

but one of those little
hour hands is coming up.

What now?

Captain Fomento
is coming back

to formally hang up
the condemned sign.

You confessed
you made the whole thing up.

That part
we didn't make up.

You mean,
the clogged chimney

and the rotting stairs,
the basement...

That part we made up.

Okay.

How are we gonna
get you out of this now?

Well, I-I have one idea.

What is that?

You'd never do it.
Do what?

Forget it.

Forget what?

No, I'm sorry I asked.

I demand that you ask me.

How would you like to buy
a 400-year-old convent?

He just drove up.
Good. Pass the word.

[knock on door]

Sister Jacqueline,
word has reached my ears

that you have
the convent up for sale.

That's right, Captain.

It's the only way out.

Please,
do not be hasty, Sister.

You see, my chief has asked
me to review the case.

In fact, he has
urged me quite strongly.

Well, that's very kind
of the chief,

but in our financial
position,

we have no alternative.

[stuttering]
But perhaps we could overlook

the clogged chimney.
Huh?

Well, that would save us
about 300 dollars.

[laughing]
No problem.

Once we drain
the water in the basement,

it will be ideal
for the topless revue.

In the convent?
Oh, yes.

SeñorRamirez has
made a generous offer

to take over the place.

You plan to turn it
into a nightclub?

Oh, no, only the basement.

Upstairs would be
gambling casino.

The meditation room
would be ideal for roulette.

[Bertrille] We could tear out
the prayer benches

and put in slot machines.

[Carlos] The Mother Superior's office

would be a great place
for Blackjack.

On the contrary,
I think my office

would be much more suitable
for the dice table.

Oh, my goodness,
Reverend Mother.

I beg of you,
Reverend Mother,

do not sell the convent.

My chief was so furious

when I condemned
the building...

You condemned it?

[Fomento] But I have the power

to overrule myself.

And I say

that to turn
the convent

into a casino

and the basement into a...

It would be sacrilegious.
I quite agree.

[Fomento] Yes. Now,
I came across a-a paragraph.

"Any building
erected before 1765

"shall be of such
historical significance

to be designated
a national monument

"and not subject to the
current building standard."

Now, in my capacity
as Captain of the police,

I designate
the Convent of San Tanco

into a national monument.

Oh, very good, very good.

Now, if you will excuse me,

I will report the new
development to my chief.

With your permission,
Reverend Mother.

Thank you, yes.

I know this must sound

absolutely crazy to you,
Reverend Mother,

but sure once I explain
how it happened,

it'll all sound
absolutely crazy.

Somehow,
I'm prepared for that.

Well, it started
when these ashtrays

were stolen
from Carlos' casino.

Well, the ashtrays
weren't stolen,

they were souvenirs...

Hello, Captain.
The Reverend Mother said

you had some clothes
to donate.

Yes, due to the fact

that the city council
have voted to cut

the yearly appropriation
for the police department.

Regretfully, I've had to cut
the police force in half.

Oh. Well,
I'm sure señorSalazar

can find
another line of work.

No need to remind you

of the grave situation
that it is

to have
a one-man police force.

Oh, I know.

And there won't be
too many laughs

at the policeman's ball
this year.

However,

I want to make it
clear to you,

and to the Sisters
at the convent,

and Carlos Ramirez
and the whole town,

that I will continue
to fight crime in San Tanco.

And that I will not tolerate
any violations of the law,

no matter
how big or how small.

Captain, I...

I hope this building
is over 200 years old.

It would be a shame
to condemn the police station.

♪♪

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