Original subtitles

[whimpering]

[Jacqueline] Santa Tomasina is a remote little village

in the mountains above San Juan.

Its inhabitants,

although a primitive lot,

are prideful, stubborn,

and occasionally quite crafty.

[both] Viva Santa Tomasina! Shh, shh.

[all whispering] Viva Santa Tomasina!

♪ Oh, I got a mule, her name is sal ♪

♪ 15 miles on the erie canal ♪

♪ she's a good old worker ♪

C'mon mule.

♪ And a good old pal ♪

♪ 15 miles on the erie canal ♪

[Jacqueline] To reach Santa Tomasina,

one must have stamina, purpose,

and just to be on the safe side,

an invitation.

Sister Bertrille and I left San Juan armed with all 3,

or so we thought.

♪ Low bridge, everybody down ♪

♪ low bridge 'cause we're coming to a... ♪

C'mon, whoa.

[donkey braying] Whoa, whoa.

[groans]

Your turn to ride.

Oh, that's Ok. I'm not tired.

No, you don't understand.

I prefer to walk.

You know, saint Theresa wandered all over Spain in her bare feet.

[groans]

Now I know why they made her a saint.

[birds cawing]

[birds chirping]

Oh, well.

Big welcoming committees embarrass me anyway.

How could they have welcomed us?

They didn't even know when we were coming.

Woo-hoo! Anyone home?

There's somebody.

One of our future pupils from the look of him.

Hola, muchacho.

[woman] 10 times a day...

Papacito, there is 2 great birds at the edge of the village.

[woman yelling] Come see.

Silencio, Juanito. Do you not see that Señor Diego is hurt?

But, papacito, they are as big as you.

Juanito, I told you...

Hello, uh,

I'm Sister Bertrille and this is Sister Jacqueline.

Hello.

We're from the convent San Tanco in San Juan.

Yes, we were invited here by your headman,

uh, Señor Caracol.

[people chattering] Pedro Caracol?

You dare to mention that name

when my husband, the fool that he is, is lying on the ground?

I spit on Pedro Caracol.

Quiet, woman.

Can you not see these are holy sisters?

Go tend your husband.

Forgive her.

Her family have just suffered a terrible loss.

What do you wish with us?

Is someone hurt?

Perhaps I can help.

Ah, the bump on his head will heal without a nurse.

But what of Gordo?

How can we live without Gordo?

Who's Gordo?

[crying] Their pig.

He was stolen about an hour ago by Pedro Caracol,

may he choke on the meat.

I--I don't understand.

I--I thought Pedro Caracol was the head of this village.

Isn't this Santa Tomasina?

The other sister will remain with Diego. You will come with us.

Now, wait a minute. If we're in the wrong place...

[Francisco] This way, sister.

Onward and upward.

[people muttering]

[water running]

The church of the most holy patron of our village,

Saint Tomasina.

But, Señor-- Francisco.

Ok, Francisco.

I don't know what's going on here,

but about 3 weeks ago, a man came to our convent.

He said his name was Pedro Caracol

and that he was the headman of the village of Santa Tomasina,

and he invited us to spend a week there

and tell his people about our convent school.

Now I understand.

You do?

It is a miracle.

Our most holy patron has guided your steps.

Sister, if she had not been watching over you,

you would now be in a nest of

desperate banditos.

Banditos? In this day and age?

[laughs]

Well, that's just the point, sister.

You see, these people are living in the last century.

There's no electricity or running water,

and they live in constant fear of being attacked by bandits like Pedro Caracol.

Oh, Sister Bertrille, we met him.

Now, did he look like a bandit to you?

Well, he wasn't wearing crossed bandileros, if that's what you mean.

But Francisco told me that Pedro and his men

have been preying on this village for years.

Well, if Pedro Caracol is a-- is a leader of a band of desperados,

why did he invite us to spend a week in his village?

Maybe for the gifts we'd bring, or the medical supplies,

o-or the burros,

or maybe to hold us for ransom.

Oh, if he wanted to lure us to his village,

why did he tell us he was headman of Santa Tomasina

and let us blunder in here?

Well, remember that sign down the trail? Yes.

Well, Francisco told me until this afternoon

that sign pointed towards Pedro's village.

And Francisco found out about it

and switched it just before we got here.

It's kind of a running battle they have.

Well, that's fine.

Only, I still don't believe it.

Well, there's one way to find out.

I'm going to Pedro Caracol's village.

Sister Bertrille,

this may come as a shock to you,

but you are a novice at the convent San Tanco,

not a battalion of Federales.

But I have one thing the Federales didn't have.

What? Air power.

Oh.

[sighs] Oh.

[crickets chirping]

[man] Francisco? Francisco, where are you?

[men shouting]

Sister, you must remain inside.

It is not safe outside.

Well, what is it? What's happening? Who's here?

Pedro Caracol and his men. It is a raid.

W-Where--where is Sister Bertrille?

Well, she--she went out.

Out? With those banditos around?

[speaking Spanish]

[man] Francisco. They're attacking the church.

The church? Villains!

Do not worry about Sister Bertrille.

Santa Tomasina will protect her.

[Francisco] Courage,

men of Santa Tomasina,

[men hollering] Courage. I am coming.

And I didn't believe it.

[exclaims]

I guess Francisco was telling the truth.

[wind blowing]

[man #1] She is right, Francisco. We are beaten.

[man #2] How can we fight now?

Now more than ever.

For the honor of our village

and for our holy saint.

Señor Diego, how are you feeling?

I thought your pig was stolen this afternoon.

[pig squealing] Sister, we got him back.

Yes, but there are 2 of them. Where did he get the other one?

Oh, thank heaven you are all right.

Sister Bertrille, she's not yet returned?

Uh, no, not yet.

We--we will pray for her safety.

Uh--uh, yes. Thank you.

Uh, Señor Francisco, where did this man get 2 pigs?

Is it not wonderful?

Early this evening,

injured as he was,

Diego risk his life

to rescue his beloved Gordo from those devils.

Oh, yes, but where did he get the other one?

Francisco, how can you worry about pigs now?

She is right, sister.

A terrible tragedy has befallen our village.

Oh, what happened? Was someone hurt in the raid?

Worse, sister, much worse.

If you want to see what villainy

Pedro Caracol and his criminals are capable of,

come with me.

[Francisco] There.

They have stolen Saint Tomasina,

the most holy patron of our village.

Oh, that's terrible.

For longer than anyone can remember,

Saint Tomasina was in this church.

Oh.

She is the symbol of our village,

of--of our spiritual identity.

Without her, we are lost,

we are beaten.

Look!

Uh-oh. What are they doing up?

It is a miracle.

[all] A miracle.

Oh, no, hold on. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Uh, you've made a mistake.

I hope they'll be able to understand lift versus drag.

Come, my friends,

let us welcome our beloved saint.

By a miracle, she has returned to us in bodily form.

You must ask her to forgive us for not having recognized her before.

Saint Tomasina will lead us against the enemy in person.

Viva Saint Tomasina!

[all chanting] Viva Saint Tomasina!

Viva Saint Tomasina!

Viva Saint Tomasina!

Oh, brother.

[people chattering]

Don't push, senoras.

Everyone will get a chance to see the saint.

Well, how does it feel to be a modern miracle?

Awful.

We've got to get out of here so we can tell the authorities

back in San Juan about Pedro Caracol.

Well, I'm for the first part,

but what are you going to tell them?

All you saw was another village with everyone asleep.

Well, banditos have to sleep, too.

And don't forget about the new sign at the fork of the road

conclusively pointing towards Pedro's village.

Well, what does that prove?

That Francisco was telling the truth.

Let's go.

Sister, they think you're their patron saint.

You think they're going to let you go?

We can try.

Where is the saint going?

[pig grunts]

Juanito, will you please tell these people I am not a saint?

Perhaps she is going to fly to heaven

to tell the angels of the good people of our village.

Not before she blesses my pig.

You want me to bless your pig?

Si, tell the saint that Gordo is from this village,

so he doesn't need the blessing.

But Francesca here is a foreign pig.

[pig grunting]

Well I'm-- I'm sorry, but I can't bless your pig,

I can't bless anything.

Now, won't you please leave?

You too, Juanito.

She took valdez's mangoes.

Why couldn't she bless my pig now?

The saint is very tired.

We will come back later for Francesca's blessing.

[trumpet blows]

What's that, another raid?

Look, sister, look.

It is the army of Santa Tomasina.

Diego, you're out of step.

[Francisco] Tally...ho!

Left face!

Inform the beloved saint

her army is ready for review.

My army?

Francisco, what are you talking about?

Tell the beloved saint we have waited too long for this day.

For too long

have the villains and banditos of Pedro Caracol

preyed upon our poor village.

For too long have we stood in fear of them.

Now wait a minute, fellas...

The blessing,

we are ready for the blessing.

We shall rise up

in our holy armor,

protected from our enemies,

and with the holy saint herself to lead us,

we will destroy

the army of Pedro Caracol.

[all cheering]

Goodbye, Saint Tomasina, hello, Joan of arc.

Not yet, not yet.

We have not received the blessing yet.

And I'm not going to.

I--I mean, she's not,

I mean, I am Sister Bertrille from the convent San Tanco

and I can't bless anyone.

You see, my people?

How modest the saints are.

They do not know their own holiness.

Forget it, sister.

He has an answer for everything.

Look,

even if I were Saint Tomasina,

I wouldn't lead you into battle.

Ask--ask the beloved saint why not?

Our--our cause is just.

He wants to know-- I know. I heard him.

Because, um,

uh, because the saints are people of peace.

Oh, no, not--not Saint Tomasina.

She is a warrior saint.

So much for that approach.

Uh, look,

you say Pedro Caracol and his men are banditos, right?

Si.

Well, then they must be well armed with guns.

And there's only a few of you,

and you've got nothing but sticks,

and--and--and shovels and a few machetes.

Why, you'd be clobbered.

W--w--w--w--what--what is this clobbered?

Oh, beaten.

Beaten?

The--the men of Santa Tomasina?

Never.

We are not afraid. We are strong.

And with Saint Tomasina herself to lead us,

we are invincible.

[all cheering]

[sighs]

I am not Saint Tomasina. I am Sister Bertrille.

Now you've got to believe me.

[men cheering]

All the women are in the church,

but I don't see any of the men.

They're probably holding a council of war.

Trying to figure out how to convince you to play Joan of arc.

Listen, let's go while the getting's good.

I don't know. I suppose it's silly,

but, I feel kind of guilty, like I'm deserting them.

Sister, on the way home I want you to repeat to yourself,

"I am not Saint Tomasina, I am not Saint Tomasina,

I am not saint--"

I know who I am.

I just wish I could convince them before we left.

Well, you could agree to lead them against Pedro Caracol.

And then, after you got shot,

they'd see that you're not immortal.

On the other hand, a more positive course of action would be

to tell the authorities back in San Juan what's been going on around here

and let them straighten it out.

Good thinking.

Sister?

[both gasping]

Juanito, what are you doing here?

Is the beloved saint going to battle?

I knew she would.

Battle?

What battle? Where are the men?

They have gone to attack Pedro Caracol.

They went off without the saint?

I--I mean, Sister Bertrille?

Si. Señor Diego said that if the saint said no,

that they should not disobey, but Señor Francisco said

that what the saint meant was for them to prove themselves worthy of her.

He's a slippery one, that Francisco.

So, they are going to win a great victory,

and the saint will be pleased. Won't you?

Juanito, when did they leave?

A little while ago.

They're going to attack at sundown.

Well, where? Which way?

At the fork of the trail.

Are you going to help them?

I'm gonna stop them.

Why doesn't she fly?

Uh, no wind.

Uh, sister, wait for your high priestess.

[Jacqueline gasping]

What--what does that mean?

I don't know. There was only one here last night.

Where is that army?

Men of Santa Tomasina.

Our beloved saint has come herself to lead us. Look!

[all cheering]

[Bertrille] Stop, stop.

Whoa!

You've all got to go back before you get hurt.

Tell the beloved saint it is too late.

The enemy is upon us. Look.

[gasping]

That's the enemy?

The villains that have been preying on your village?

The--the banditos?

[Francisco] Si.

They are desperate criminals,

every one of them.

But they're just villagers like you.

Francisco,

give us back our nuns.

They are not nuns.

This is the holy Saint Tomasina

sent to us by a miracle.

They are nuns from convent San Tanco,

and they were sent to us.

You kidnapped them.

Liar. She descended from the sky.

And who are you to talk about kidnapping,

you who would steal a man's pig?

I sp-spit on your pig.

If--if we stole him,

where is he now?

And where is the pig you--you stole from us?

[Francisco] Hypocrite!

Well, your saintliness, what do you think now?

I suppose you did not steal our beloved statue?

I think we've been conned. Mmm-hmm.

But by whom?

Statue?

Saint Tomasina has belonged to our village

for hundreds of years, and years, and years.

Uh, Señor Caracol--

it is good--good to see you unharmed, sisters.

But if you value your safety,

come over to this side of the trail.

Oh, you have been tricked

into a nest of desperate banditos.

[speaking Spanish]

They have been assaulting our poor village

for years.

I seem to have heard that somewhere before.

Unspeakable villain.

It is you who are the banditos.

Señor Caracol, what's the name of your village?

Oh, Santa Tomasina, after the holy saint.

[Francisco] Treachery.

You have no right to that name. It is ours.

There.

That is what we of Santa Tomasina think of thieves.

And that's what we of Santa Tomasina think of liars.

[Francisco] Enough.

We will settle this once and for all.

[Francisco] For Santa Tomasina,

charge!

What are you waiting for?

The holy saint herself is here to lead us.

[men cheering]

Oh, no, you don't.

Look... Oh, you see, my people.

The holy saint sees whose cause is just.

Charge!

[Bertrille screams]

[all shouting]

Everybody, listen to me!

Ooh, this is awful.

Now, stop it.

Oh, it's too late. It would take the wisdom of Solomon

to stop them now. But they're liable to

kill each other.

Solomon?

It's worth a try. What?

I...

Excuse me.

[all shouting]

♪[blowing trumpet]

All right now. Everybody at ease.

Now, listen to me, will you?

I think I have a solution to your problem.

Now,

you say each of your villages are entitled to the name of Santa Tomasina, right?

[all] Si.

And this statue here is the symbol of Santa Tomasina.

[all] Si. All right.

There's a simple solution.

I'll just slice the statue in half

and each of you can have part of her.

[all] No, no, no.

[Francisco] Oh, no, no.

This is-- you--you would not destroy

the holy image, would you?

That would be a terrible sin.

Is it any less of a sin to go around breaking each other's heads?

Ok. Ok.

You don't want me to cut the statue in half,

but neither of you is willing for the other one to have it,

so what are you guys going to do?

[Bertrille] I've got a solution.

Now,

[clears throat]

What if we take her...

We'll put the statue right here

as a symbol of--of eternal peace between--

uh, oh, excuse me.

[grunting]

Between east Santa Tomasina

and, uh,

and between

west Santa Tomasina.

Viva west Santa Tomasina!

[all] Viva west Santa Tomasina!

Viva east Santa Tomasina!

[all] Viva east Santa Tomasina!

[all] Viva! Viva!

Viva!

[people chattering]

[sighs]

Peace, it's wonderful.

Sisters, Pedro Caracol has told us of his visit to your convent.

I hope we have not committed blasphemy

in thinking you were our beloved saint.

Well, let's just call it a mistake.

A lulu, but a mistake nonetheless.

Now, you will come with us to our village

and help us to celebrate the eternal peace

between our 2 villages?

N-No, uh, the sisters will come to our village

to celebrate our eternal peace.

Now, Pedro, you-you're starting up with your old tricks again.

Our old tricks?

We did not kidnap the sisters.

You did.

[Francisco] Men of east Santa Tomasina,

west Santa Tomasina is trying to kidnap

our holy sisters.

All right, you guys.

[Francisco] No, sister.

[all] No, no, no!

You--you may go wherever you wish.

Wherever we wish?

Where do we wish?

Home.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

[all] Bye, goodbye. Nice seeeing you.

Goodbye. Bye.

Men of east Santa Tomasina,

we will see the holy sisters back to their convent.

[all] No, no!

No. We will accompany them.

[end credits]

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