Original subtitles

[barking]

[Jacqueline] Once a week, Sister Bertrille and I

go to the waterfront in San Juan to buy fish for the convent dinner.

We go very early in the morning, to get the pick of the catch.

A few weeks ago, we brought home more than we bargained for.

[seagulls cawing]

[lock creaking]

[door opening]

[groaning]

[spraying]

Sister, does the fish smell differently to you this morning?

Yes, it does.

Spoiled?

No. Kind of romantic.

[car engine starting]

Bobbie?

Bobbie?

You see her? Who?

Miss bright eyes. She's gone.

Maybe she went for a walk.

What, at this time of the morning?

She took the ice and the skins with her.

She couldn't have gotten very far.

You see any cabs? No.

Hey, I did see a station wagon.

A purple station wagon, right over there.

Huh, a set-up.

I'll break her little-- aw, easy, Al.

We don't want any trouble with the cops.

There won't be any trouble.

Whoever owns that purple station wagon

just better get used to parking it at the bottom of the water.

[vehicle approaching]

[brakes squealing]

[Jacqueline] When we got back to the convent,

we still hadn't discovered our stowaway.

[exclaiming]

Oh, be--be careful, sister. Oh!

[sneezing] Oh! It's alive.

Oh, we better get help.

[woman] Wait a minute. I didn't mean

to scare anybo--

nuns!

Uh, where am I? Some kind of hospital?

Well, this is the--the convent San Tanco.

A convent!

Yes. This is sister mink-- uh, Jacqueline. I'm Sister Bertrille.

Ooh, I'm Bobbie Starr.

Uh, that-that's b-o-b-b-y-e.

Well, that's a--a very risky way to travel, Miss Starr.

Y-You almost ended up in our bouillabaisse.

Tell me something, sisters, do you still give

refuge in these places?

Oh, are you in trouble, Miss Starr?

Trouble? Uh,

no, no, what...

I--I just quit my job this morning,

and I would like to avoid the gentleman that employed me.

He has some very strange ideas about loyalty.

Well, what kind of work did you do?

I was a secretary. A private secretary.

Gee, you must have been awfully good at it?

Oh! Oh, don't let these fool you.

Right now my cash assets amount to a fast 42 cents.

What about it? Can you give me a cell?

Oh, well, we call them bedrooms this century, Miss Starr.

The reverend mother could probably use some help in the office.

Oh, yes. Sister Ana,

that's the mother superior's secretary, she's ill.

Then I'm her girl.

[Jacqueline] Reverend mother thought it was a blessing to have

an experienced secretary appear from out of the blue.

Then she met Miss Starr.

Reverend mother, this is Miss Bobbie Starr.

B-o-b-b-y-e.

Miss Starr.

A pleasure, I'm sure.

Please, do get up, Miss Starr.

Sister Jacqueline tells me that you are

an experienced secretary.

Uh, can you tell me, uh, how well you take dictation?

I don't know. I've always lived in a democracy.

The doors of San Tanco are always open, Miss Starr.

However, we would have to look on this

as a temporary arrangement.

Yeah. Until Sister Ana gets better?

Yes. And, uh, until you've found a more suitable situation.

And now, uh, Sister Jacqueline will show you to our guest room.

Oh, gee, I feel like one of the girls already.

Uh, Miss Starr? Who was your former employer?

Uh, Mr. Caine.

[Reverend Mother] Mr. Caine?

Mr. Albion Caine.

The name does not strike a familiar note.

What line of business is he in?

Mr. Caine?

He deals in a service.

[bicycle bell ringing]

That it?

[Leo] That's it.

Bring the funny sticks.

Who do you think it is? The syndicate?

[exclaiming]

Dirty pool, man.

Dirty pool.

[taps]

Oh, thanks.

You're welcome.

Miss Starr, these are to be filed in the cabinet over here.

Got you, reverend mother, honey.

Miss Starr, "reverend mother" will be sufficient.

Uh, what is that, uh, fragrance you use?

Oh!

"Acapulco dawn." Like it?

It's, uh,

it's very arresting.

[whispering] Go ahead, use some.

Well, thank you, but, uh,

[whispering] No thanks.

[phone rings]

Convent San Tanco.

God bless you.

Is, uh, Bobbie Starr there?

Bobbie Starr? What kind of name

is that for a nun?

With, uh, whom am I speaking?

Sister quarantine. Stay away.

She's there.

[typewriter clacking]

Good evening, sisters.

Good evening, reverend mother. Reverend mother.

We missed you at dinner.

Yes? Well, I will get to dinner eventually.

Miss Starr's typing leaves something to be desired.

And, as for her filing system,

she is really rather extraordinary.

We have here "acapulco dawn."

And, uh, oh yes, I was, uh, dictating

a rather detailed report this afternoon

about our budget problems,

and it appears that Miss Starr does not take shorthand,

she paraphrases.

Dear mother house,

tell the boys in Rome

our roof is leaking and the cupboard is bare.

She does kind of cut to the heart of things, doesn't she?

We simply must get Miss Starr another situation quickly.

But she seems so happy here.

Oh, she will be disappointed.

[Reverend Mother] I have nothing against Miss Starr personally.

As a matter of fact, I find her rather endearing.

But I simply cannot have my letters going out

with such phrases as:

"As one mother to another,

'oh, brother.'"

♪[tango music playing]

[clapping in time]

Miss Starr, you have a visitor.

Your brother is here to see you.

I don't have a bro--

oh, yeah, well give him a message for me, sister.

Tell him to drop dead.

[Al chuckling]

She always was the funny one in the family.

What is it, Al?

I wanna-- I want to talk to you.

Are you alone?

Of course.

Are you clean?

Of course!

Raise 'em, Al.

Bobbie. Raise 'em, Al.

It's an old family custom.

Come, come, children. It's time to go to bed. No.

[kids groaning] Everyone. Yes, now.

Come on, we'll have another dancing lesson tomorrow.

[Bobbie] Come on.

[whispering] Pedro.

[gasps]

Pedro,

it's not nice to spy on people.

But sister, I know that man's face.

He is a bad man.

Of course.

He is doctor fu manchu.

He is going to destroy the world.

Bedtime, agent 007.

You wanted to talk?

Talk.

Come on, baby.

It's time to come home.

I would appreciate it if you would remember that I am

the administrative assistant to the mother superior.

Keep your hands to yourself.

Baby.

Miss Starr.

What's bugging you?

You don't value me. That's what's bugging me.

2 mink coats? That don't value you, huh?

Al, if you really loved me, you would get an honest job.

And you would marry me.

Marry you?

And you would pack my lunch pail every morning. Fat chance.

Ah, come on. Don't tell me you don't like the diamonds and the skins, huh?

Well,

I'd give 'em all up for a plain band of gold.

This place is really getting to you.

Come on home. No!

Not until I am Mrs. Caine.

Mrs. Caine!

Well, then you better check into the lifetime rates here,

'cause you were right this afternoon.

From here on in, you are sister quarantine.

Al.

♪[playing piano]

[clattering]

B-6.

I got it! B-6, I got it.

Good evening.

Sister. Reverend mother.

Miss Starr, I would like to ask you,

are you really a secretary?

[sighing]

No.

How'd you know?

Well, uh,

little things.

Can I stay till morning?

[Reverend Mother] Oh, I hope you'll stay as long as you wish.

But I would appreciate it if you would...

Stay out of the office?

Gotcha. Thank you, Miss Starr.

Goodnight, sister.

Miss Starr. Goodnight.

Ah! Bingo.

Bingo!

You are going to stay, aren't you?

[sighing] Oh.

I don't think so, sister honey.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, I've got what the mother superior calls

a situation I can go back to.

Mr. Caine?

Oh,

it'll take about a year and a day to explain,

but I guess I'll go back.

Oh, Al's not so bad.

Maybe one day he might even marry me.

Don't you think you're whistling in the dark, Miss Starr?

If you go back now, you're making it easy

for Mr. Caine to remain a bachelor.

What kind of a nun are you, anyway?

A female one.

Well, what do I do? Hit Al over the head

and--and drag him to the license bureau?

I know what the girls at college used to do.

If a fellow was--was slow to get the message,

well, she'd find somebody else and shake him up.

Oh, fine. I'll use, uh,

Pedro or tomaso, the gardener.

I've been out of circulation a long time, sister.

What would you say if I told you I knew

just the guy to make Mr. Caine jealous?

You?

You I'd believe.

Shake 'em up.

[clattering]

[Jacqueline] The next morning,

Sister Bertrille sent an S.O.S. To her friend, Señor Ramirez,

the most dashing bachelor on the island.

And--and, Carlos, I know you'll like her,

because she's really a great person--

and this is why you got me out of bed

at 11:00 in the morning?

To help some desperate female trap a husband? Well, she's not really--

well, what am I to you? A clown?

A buffoon? Well.

Do you really think I want to play this

humiliating role?

Now, Carlos, it's not-- good morning, sister.

Oh, good morning, Miss Starr.

This is the lady? Mmm-hmm.

Miss Starr,

allow me to introduce myself.

Carlos Ramirez, clown...

And buffoon.

Is this the fella?

Do you live around here?

Oh, I'm an old and devoted friend of the convent.

Well, it certainly is nice of you

to help us with our little, uh, caper.

[Carlos] Miss Starr, uh,

allow me to quote from our beloved Puerto Rican poet,

domingo j. Domingo.

La pluma de mi tia

Esta en la mesa.

[Carlos] [English translation] 298

[Jacqueline] The next step was to advise Mr. Caine

that his interests were threatened.

Something subtle and indirect was called for.

She'll come back.

She'll come crawling back.

One or 2 days. I give you odds.

[seagulls cawing]

Leo? Leo?

They sure skywrite funny down here.

No plane.

Sure it's a plane.

It's just high up, that's all.

A convent.

[laughing]

Of all places to pick, a convent?

Tiddlywinks, dominoes.

Huh, they probably don't see a guy

from one year to the next in those places.

Al.

What? What?

♪[playing Latino folk music]

[music stops]

[chattering]

♪[playing Latino folk music]

[children yelling]

I thought I'd make it an informal afternoon.

Carlos, honey,

well, I think you're overdoing it a bit.

You see, my gentlemen friend-- oh.

[tsking]

Are you going to spoil the whole thing

by talking about your gentlemen friend?

Well-- have you forgotten the words of the poet

domingo j. Domingo?

La pluma de mi tia.

[murmuring] La pluma de mi tia.

What are you doing?

I've got a pebble in my shoe.

Carlos, can we get out of here?

[engine starting]

Do you think we'd be betraying a confidence, sister?

I don't know.

It's just that I don't want to see

Miss Starr fall in with the wrong sort of people.

Yes. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

She's such a helpless little bird.

[Reverend Mother and bertrille agreeing]

[Al] Come on. Come on, sister.

Who is he?

Well. [sighs]

Uh,

his name is Carlos Ramirez.

Oh.

Yes, he's a fabulously wealthy playboy.

Some people, uh, think he's quite handsome.

Yes. Uh, but don't worry about anything.

He's used to women throwing themselves at his feet.

[chuckling] Oh, yes.

Oh. Oh, really?

Uh, you don't have any idea where they went?

[both] No.

Ooh, but Señor Ramirez does keep

a luxuriously appointed yacht. Yes.

The Caprice... The Caprice.

[Jacqueline] Berthed in the Marina.

Thanks, sisters.

Now I can sleep peacefully.

Oh! Looks like there's going to be a wedding.

I wonder, sister.

Now that we've lit a fire under Mr. Caine,

I think there's something about him I--

well, I don't want to use the word,

I think that he's...

Tough.

Oh, now, sister, that isn't fair.

We hardly know him.

You can't judge a book by its cover.

Sisters! Sisters!

Finally I remember where I saw that man.

Where, 007?

He is Big Albion Caine,

the terror of Chicago.

[church bell rings]

Hey, what's the matter with you?

I thought I saw that skywriter again.

Skywriter!

It is not the beauty outside

that bewitches me.

It is the beauty I see in your soul.

Oh! Carlos.

No one's ever noticed the real me before.

[Bertrille] Carlos!

Carlos!

Excuse me, my love.

[tapping at window]

[Bertrille] Carlos!

[banging at door]

Who is it?

Nothing. Just the wind.

[seagulls cawing]

♪[romantic music playing loudly]

It's like a miracle.

Huh?

[yelling] It's like a miracle, our meeting.

[softly] Do not question the fates, my love.

Huh?

[yelling] Do not question the fates, my love.

La pluma de mi tia.

Yes.

[yelling] What?

[music stops]

Open up, Ramirez.

Is that your friend? That's him.

Don't worry. I will deal with him.

[Al] I'm gonna count to 3.

Carlos, I better tell you who he is. One!

Introductions are not necessary. Oh, yeah.

You ever hear of Big Al Caine from Chicago?

[Al] 2!

Mr. Vicious? Uh-huh.

3! [Al] 3!

Come in. Watch your head.

Welcome to the Caprice, Mr. Vicious.

I'll welcome you, playboy.

Oh, there's been a tragic misunderstanding.

Is that why the door was locked?

Yes. No!

No, there was a draft.

[Bobbie] Don't lie, Carlos.

We're not ashamed.

We love each other.

We what? You what?

I'm not just a decoration to him.

He thinks I have a beautiful soul.

For that line alone, you ought to be shot.

Miss Starr, m-maybe we--we should reconsider.

But, Carlos--

after all, we just met this morning.

But la pluma de mi tia.

What does your aunt's pen have to do with this?

What? Playboy, by the time I'm finished with your face,

[sirens wailing] Your mother won't recognize you.

Al, the cops. Don't worry, Carlos.

I'll come everyday to the hospital. What cops?

The cops! Cops!

Dumb-dumb! Mr. Vicious!

You and your temper.

This isn't gambling, this isn't running a book,

this is big trouble and you're going to get life.

Dump this.

Who? Where? Somewhere.

It's no use, Mr. Caine.

I have a witness.

She saw the gun.

She heard your threats.

Of course, a wife...

Cannot testify against her husband.

Are you all right?

Well, Sergeant,

what started out as a possible homicide,

seems to have turned into a definite matrimony.

We'd better hurry if we're to be back here

in time for the wedding. Ok.

Oh.

Very funny.

I would have sworn I left the tailgate open. Hmm.

Hi. You look lovely. Oh.

Oh, thanks, sister honey.

Listen, um, you haven't by any chance

seen my affianced this morning, have you?

No. But isn't it bad luck for the bride

to see the groom before the ceremony?

Oh, in this case, honey, I think it's bad luck if I don't.

Al?

Al?

Uh, sister,

do you really think it's safe for us

to carry a live octopus in the back, like that?

[Jacqueline] Well, he doesn't look dangerous.

He's just playful. Playful.

A live octopus? What kind of a convent--

well, Mr. Caine.

Gracious saints!

Oh, boy.

[end credits]

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