Original subtitles

HELLO, AND WELCOME BACK TO THE OSCARS RED CARPET PRESHOW.

I'M THE MAN INSIDE YOUR HOTEL TV WHO TELLS YOU WHAT THE MOVIES ARE, MARIO LOPEZ.

AND I'M EITHER MARIA MENOUNOS OR KIT HOOVER. THEY HAVEN'T TOLD ME YET.

AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO WATCH THE 95th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS SPONSORED BY OZEMPIC.

AND WE'RE SO EXCITED TO HAVE BEEN STANDING OUTSIDE THE DOGBY THEATER FOR ALMOST 153 HOURS.

WE HAVE NOT SLEPT OR USED THE BATHROOM. OUR ONLY FOOD IS A HANDFUL OF

SARDINES THEY THROW AT US. BUT IT'S ALL WORTH IT TO ASK ANGELA BASSETT IF SHE REALLY DID

THE THING. OOPS. WE ALMOST FORGOT, EVERY 30

SECONDS, WE HAVE TO DO A FEW AWKWARD PAN-DOWNS TO WOMEN'S FEET.

HERE WE GO. ** EVERYONE NEEDED TO SEE THAT.

NOW LAST YEAR'S OSCARS HAD THE SLAP, WHICH IS AWESOME -- I MEAN BAD, SO BAD.

WE HATED ALL THE ATTENTION. SO THIS YEAR, TO MAKE SURE NOTHING CRAZY HAPPENS, THE

ACADEMY HIRED A NEW HEAD OF SECURITY NOTORIOUSLY CALM AND SANE PERSON, MIKE TYSON.

THANK YOU. MY GOODNESS. OH, WOW.

THANK YOU. OH, MY GOODNESS. THAT'S SO NICE OF Y'ALL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I AM READY TO HANDLE THE PROCEEDINGS JUDICIOUSLY AND EXPO

DISHSLY. THE FOLLOWING THINGS WILL SET ME OFF.

CLAPPING, STATUES OF GOLD PEOPLE, AND SHOWS THAT LAST MORE THAN TWO HOURS, AND ALSO HEARING

THE PHRASE, THE MAGIC OF MOVIES. ARE THERE ANY NEW SECURITY MEASURES IN PLACE?

THANK YOU FOR THAT QUESTION. THIS YEAR, ALL THE NOMINEES HAVE BEEN GIVEN TASERS.

ALL THE SEAT FILLERS HAVE BEEN GIVEN GUNS, AND JIMMY KIMMEL HAS BEEN GIVEN A FLAME THROWER.

AND NOT THAT WE'RE HOPING FOR THIS, BUT ARE YOU WORRIED WILL SMITH IS PLANNING A SECOND

ATTACK? YES. WE ARE PLANNING THAT THREAT VERY

SERIOUSLY. LUCKILY, WE WERE ABLE TO SLIP ONE OF THOSE APPLE AIR TAGS INTO

WILL SMITH'S POCKET. SO WE KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE WILL BE AT ALL TIMES UNLESS HE

CHANGES HIS PANTS. STAY FROSTY, EVERYBODY. UH-OH, I'M LEGIT SCARED.

AND NOW, OF COURSE, THE SHOW HAS FACED A LOT OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT A LACK OF DIVERSITY.

BUT REMEMBER, OSCAR TURNS 95 THIS YEAR. SO IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW

RACIST AND SEXIST YOUR GRANDPA WAS AT 95, OSCAR'S LOOKING PRETTY DARN GOOD.

SPEAKING OF LOOKING GOOD, IT'S FIRST TIME NOMINEE FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, JAMIE LEE

CURTIS. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW GREAT IS THIS?

I SOLD YOGURT THAT MADE YOU POOP, AND NOW I'M NOMINATED! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW, YOU HAVE BEEN REFRESHINGLY DOWN TO EARTH THIS WHOLE AWARDS SEASON.

WHO ARE YOU WEARING TONIGHT? KIRKLAND BY COSTCO. JAMIE, YOU'VE ALSO BEEN SO

VOCALLY SUPPORTIVE OF ALL YOUR FELLOW NOMINEES. WELL, BECAUSE THESE ACTRESSES

RULE! CATE BLANCHETT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

SHE IS SO -- AM I ALLOWED TO CURSE? NO.

SHE IS SO -- HOT. AND TAR, OH, MY GOD, TAR WAS ICONIC, VIVACIOUS, QUEER, VAGUE,

CONFUSING, LONG, PARTIALLY IN GERMAN, AND IT WAS HANDS DOWN THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

AND CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING IN. I THINK YOU'RE GONNA. WHAT ARIANA DeBOSE DID AT THE

BAFTAS WAS FUN. IT WAS BY FAR THE BEST RAP PERFORMANCE I'VE SEEN ALL YEAR.

IT WAS INCREDIBLE. WELL, GOOD LUCK, AND HAVE FUN TONIGHT.

OH, NO. I'M ON MY WAY HOME. IT'S WAY PAST MOMMY'S BEDTIME.

OH, I JUST LOVE HER. NOW, ONE GROUP THAT DOESN'T TRADITIONALLY WATCH THE OSCARS

ARE DEGENERATE GAMBLERS, AND THAT'S WHY THIS YEAR, WE'RE PARTNERING WITH DRAFTKINGS.

WHAT'S THE LATEST UPDATE, FELLAS? WELL, HERE ARE SOME OF THE

LATEST BETTING LINES. THREE TO ONE ODDS THAT A YOUNG ACTOR BRINGS OUT AN OLD ACTOR IN

A WHEELCHAIR AND REGRETS IT IMMEDIATELY. AND TEN TO ONE THAT SOMEONE

IN THE END MEMORIAM IS STILL ALIVE. WE'RE ALSO SEEING A LOT OF

MOVEMENT IN THE WHO'S GOING TO MAKE A SURPRISE APPEARANCE POLL. THAT'S RIGHT.

SOME OF THE FAVORITE LONG SHOT PICK SOS FAR ARE CHRIS ROCK, JARED FROM SUBWAY, ARMIE HAMMER,

THE JUDGES THAT OVERTURNED ROE V WADE, GEORGE SANTOS PRETENDING TO BE TOM CRUISE.

TO BE TOM CRUISE. AND HARVEY WEINSTEIN INTRODUCES KANYE WEST.

A GIRL CAN DREAM. BUT HOLD THAT THOUGHT BECAUSE I'M TOLD WE HAVE THE STARS OF

THE BANSHEES COLIN FARRELL AND BRENDAN DEGREESON. HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE YOUR

CHANCES TONIGHT? YOU KNOW, WORDS FOR TROOPS IN THE BAY.

[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] WOW. AND THEY HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED

DRINKING YET. AND THIS IS SO EXCITING. I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE MICHELLE

WILLIAMS. CLOSE. IT'S MICHELLE WILLIAMS' JEWISH

ACTING COACH FOR THE FABLEMANS. HELLO. IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE EVEN

THOUGH MY HAIR IS -- BUT, I'M HERE. SO WAS THE FABLEMAN'S YOUR

FIRST HOLLYWOOD PROJECT? OH, SWEETIE, NO. I WAS ALSO THAT JEWISH ACTING

COACH FOR MARVELOUS MISS MAISEL, AND WEIRDLY FOR AVATAR. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTO.

AND HOW DID YOU THINK THAT MICHELLE'S PERFORMANCE TURNED OUT?

OH, SHE WAS AMAZING. AND IF I CLOSE MY EYES AND EARS, I THINK SHE IS JEWISH.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO FIND MY ACTING COACH, CHUCK SCHUMER.

WOW, I LOVED GETTING THAT INCITE. AND FINALLY, THIS IS A

SURPRISE, BUT WE ARE JOINED BY THE ONE AND ONLY TOM CRUISE. HELLO.

HI. HI. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S TOM CRUISE HERE. WONDERFUL TO BE HERE. OH, MY GOD.

IT'S GEORGE SANTOS. NO, NO. I'M DEFINITELY THOMAS Q. CRUISE.

STAR OF THIS YEAR'S BLOCK BUSTER FILM "TOP GUN" 2, TOP BOTTOM. GEORGE, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING

ANYONE. YEAH. EXCEPT I DID, AND NOW I'M IN

CONGRESS. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO BE EVERYONE EVERYWHERE ALL

AT ONCE. OKAY. HE'S A HOOT.

HE'S A HOOT. NOW, LET'S TAKE A QUICK BREAK, AND WHEN WE RETURN, WE'LL

BE TALKING WITH PINOCCHIO. I'M GOING TO SCARE SO MANY KIDS.

KIDS. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH

FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST -- THE 1975.

AND YOUR HOST, JENNA ORTEGA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. MY NAME IS JENNA ORTEGA. I'M 20 YEARS OLD, WHICH MAKES ME

THE YOUNGEST HOST THIS SEASON. I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN ACTING SINCE I WAS SEVEN WHEN MY MOM

PUT ME ON FACEBOOK. I WAS IN "WEDNESDAY ", "X" AND NOW "SCREAM 6."

A LOT OF PEOPLE ASSUME I AM DARK AND TWISTED BECAUSE OF THESE ROLES I PLAY.

I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT MY FACE WHEN PEOPLE SEE

IT, THEY'RE LIKE LET'S THROW BLOOD ON THAT. BUT I WASN'T ALWAYS IN HORROR

FILMS. MY FIRST ACTING ROLE WAS IN A COLGATE TOOTH PASTE COMMERCIAL

WHEN I WAS NINE. WANT TO CATCH THOSE LITTLE NASTIES, YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE

GERMS THAT HIDE IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE NASTIES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I AM STILL THAT EXACT SAME GIRL.

SAME ONE. IT'S JUST THAT SCARY MUSIC AND EDITING CAN MAKE ANYTHING SEEM

LIKE A HORROR FILM. WATCH. WANT TO HELP ME CATCH AN

INVISIBLE GERM? I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE NASTIES.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I LOVE HORROR MOVIES, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T GET SCARED

VERY EASILY. PART OF THE REASON I WANTED TO HOST SNL IS I WANTED TO FACE MY

BIGGEST PEER. HAPPY EXTROVERTED PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO PERFORM.

EVERYONE HERE HAS BEEN SO KIND, AND THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A DREAM COME TRUE.

I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF FRIENDS TONIGHT, INCLUDING ONE OF MY COSTARS FROM "WEDNESDAY", FRED

ARMISON. DON'T LET ME DISTRACT YOU. I'M JUST HERE TO WATCH WITH

THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE BELOW ME. DID YOU WANT TO COME UP AND JOIN ME ON STAGE?

ME, GO UP THERE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS? I COULD NEVER.

I'M SORRY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. FINE, I WILL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WOW. SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO

BE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." YOU WERE ON THE SHOW FOR 11 SEASONS.

THAT'S SWEET. THANK YOU. SERIOUSLY, FRED, I AM SO

HONORED THAT YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE THE REASON I STARTED WATCHING SNL ACTUALLY.

MY FAVORITE SKETCH OF ALL TIME IS THE CALIFORNIANS. THANKS, JENNA.

THAT'S SO NICE. YOU KNOW, THE ORIGINAL IDEA CAME TO ME BECAUSE I WAS GIVING

DIRECTIONS -- WE FIGURED IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IT'S ALL GOOD. THANK YOU, FRED. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE I SAID, THIS FEELS LIKE A DREAM. WHEN I WAS A KID, I WASN'T OLD

ENOUGH TO WATCH SNL YET, SO I TOOK A TOUR OF THE SNL STUDIO WITH MY PARENTS LIKE SIX YEARS

AGO, AND THEY SAID, MAN, WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING IF YOU HOSTED SOME DAY, AND IT SEEMED

IMPOSSIBLE THEN, BUT NOW I'M HERE TONIGHT, AND MY PARENTS ARE IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THEY GET TO

HERE TONIGHT, AND MY PARENTS ARE IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THEY GET TO HEAR ME SAY WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW

WE|LL BE BACK

WELCOME EVERYBODY TO SCHOOL VERSUS SCHOOL WHERE TEACHERS

TEAM UP WITH THEIR STAR STUDENTS TO WIN BIG BUCKS. I'M YOUR HOST JAY McCORMICK.

I WAS THE KEY WITNESS IN A HARASSMENT TRIAL OF THIS SHOW'S COVID REPRESENTATIVE WHO SWABBED

MY ANUS IN LIEU OF MY NOSE EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, BUT THAT'S ALL IN THE PAST NOW, SO LET'S

MEET OUR TEAMS. FROM WEST GROVE HIGH IN NEW JERSEY, TEACHER SHEILA CASHMAN

AND HER STUDENTS GABE AND MANNY. I'M TOLD YOUR SCHOOL HAS ONE OF THE BEST SCIENCE DEPARTMENTS IN

THE COUNTRY. YES, AND YOU CAN SAY IT'S A PLUS.

YEAH, THAT'S CUTE. NOW LET'S MEET THEIR OPPONENTS FROM PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY

FOR EXTRAORDINARY CHILDREN, PROFESSOR CHANDLISS ZANDER AND HIS STUDENTS ZENA AND KNOCKOUT.

IT SAYS HERE THAT YOUR SCHOOL IS A 100 ROOM VICTORIAN MANSION LOCATED WITHIN A 10,000 ACRE

PRIVATE FOREST. THAT IS CORRECT. WE NEED AMPLE SPACE IN WHICH TO

TRAIN OUR STUDENTS TO HARNESS THEIR INCREDIBLE GIFTS. IF MY GIFTS ARE SO

INCREDIBLE, THEN WHY WON'T YOU LET ME USE THEM? BECAUSE YOU CANNOT YET

CONTROL THEM, CHILD! OKEYDOKEY. LET'S JUST GET TO THE GAME.

ARE WE FEELING CONFIDENT TEAM SNS. HECK YEAH.

PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN. WE COULD ENSLAVE YOU!

NO! WELL, THAT'S FUN. ALL RIGHT.

FIRST QUESTION GETS CONTROL OF THE BOARD. NAME FOR A RANDOM MODIFICATION

OF DNA FROM PARENT TO OFFSPRING. ZENA. MUTATION.

CORRECT. OH, YES, MUTATION IS A TOPIC IN WHICH WE ARE WELL-VERSED.

IT'S WHY THEY HATE US. ZENA. THEY THINK WE'RE FREAKS!

ENOUGH, CHILD! ALL RIGHT. WELL, ZENA, YOU HAVE A CHANCE

FOR EXTRA CREDIT. THE SUBJECT IS ENGLISH LIT. HOW'S YOUR SCHOOL'S ENGLISH

DEPARTMENT? OUR CURRICULUM FOCUSES MORE ON HARNESSING OUR STUDENTS'

ABILITIES. YOU ALWAYS DOUBT ME. ASK YOUR QUESTION.

OKAY THEN. TO BE OR NOT TO BE IS SPOKEN BY WHICH SHAKESPEARIAN PROTAGONIST?

TOBY. WRONG. I FAILED!

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING? THE FREAK FAILED?

NO, I PROMISE YOU, SWEETIE. NO ONE IS THINKING THAT. OH, YOU LIE, YOU PATHETIC

HUMAN! ZENA, NO, YOU COULD KILL HER! HEY, ALL RIGHT.

HEY! NOW, I JUST GOT BLASTED AND HIT IN THE FACE WITH WHAT I CAN ONLY

DESCRIBE AS ELECTRIC WIND. BUT SINCE NO POINTS WERE AWARDED, CONTROL NOW GOES OVER

TO WEST GROVE HIGH WHO ARE YET TO GET ON THE BOARD. ALL RIGHT, WEST GROVE, HERE'S

YOUR QUESTION. NAME THE TRIANGLE WHICH HAS THREE SIDES EQUAL OF LENGTH.

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR TEACHER. OKAY.

NO POINTS THERE. CONTROL BACK TO PROFESSOR ZANDER'S SCHOOL I GUESS.

LET ME INTO YOUR MIND. I CAN FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN!

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, ZENA! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! STOP FIGHTING!

GET ON OUT OF HERE. WE WERE LOOKING FOR EQUAL LATERAL TRIANGLE.

I SHOULDN'T BE HERE! I SHOULD BE ON THE TEAM USING MY POWERS.

YOU ARE NOT READY, CHILD! ALL RIGHT. WE JUST GOING TO TAKE A BREAK,

LET THINGS CALM DOWN AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THAT LADY'S BRAIN BACK ONLINE.

THIS IS JAY McCORMICK REMINDING YOU THAT COVID SWABS GO IN THE NOSE AND NOT THE KEISTER.

FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, SHAME ON ME.

FOOL ME EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, SHAME ON ME. KEEP IT RIGHT HERE.

JOBS, AND DON'T GET ME WRONG. I'M REALLY, REALLY GRATEFUL. I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE

BURNT OUT. THAT SUCKS. MARK, ARE YOU READY WITH THE

PLAY LIST? AND I GOT THE SLURPIES! DUDE, NICE.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WE'RE GOING ON A BEAUTIFUL CROSS-COUNTRY AMERICAN ROAD

TRIP. JUST US AND THE OPEN ROAD. GOING TO BE AWESOME.

WAIT, CAN I COME? ** * HIT THE OPEN ROAD AND CATCH A

RIDE, ARMS GETTING TAN ON THE SUNNY SIDE * * I'M ON THE WHEEL, I'M ON NAV,

I'M ON SNACKS * * AND JENNA'S JOB IS TO JUST RELAX ON A ROAD TRIP, A GREAT

AMERICAN ROAD TRIP * * WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, HEY, OH *

* ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS TO CLEAR YOUR -- WE MISSED THE EXIT.

RECALCULATE YOUR ROUTE. JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE NEXT ONE.

NEED A LITTLE HEADS UP. OKAY. IT'S JUST A LITTLE HARD DOING

MUSIC AND NAV. PRICE OF BEING SHOTGUN. YEAH.

NO, IT'S FINE. LET'S TRY TO FOCUS ON NAV, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. I'LL FOCUS ON THE NAV. YEAH, THANKS.

YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME * NOD TO CONVERTIBLES WHEN THEY PASS, MOON A TRUCK OR PUT YOUR

CHEEKS ON THE GLASS * * SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS WE'RE GOING TO HELL ON THE ROAD TRIP,

A GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP * I'M SORRY. CAN WE COOL IT WITH THE SLURPY

FOR A SECOND? IT'S JUST RIGHT IN MY EAR. SORRY.

IT'S OKAY. I'M HAPPY TO BUY EVERYONE A SLURPY, BUT YOU'RE SUCKING ON

THE -- THERE'S NONE LEFT. CAN YOU SCOOT OVER, YOUR LEG HAIRS ARE SCRATCHING ME.

FINE, I'LL MOVE MY LEG. DID YOU JUST VENMO REQUEST ME FOR THE SLURPY?

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, SO. * WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP -- RECALCULATING ROUTE.

DID WE MISS THE GOD DAMN COMMIT AGAIN? WHO COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE

TEXTING THAT'S NOT IN THIS CAR. IT WAS MY MOM, MAN. MY DAD HAD A STROKE.

SORRY I'M NOT FOCUSSING ON THE NAV! I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.

HE DID NOT HAVE A STROKE. LIAR! COME ON, MAN.

EVERYBODY, WE'RE HAVING QUIET TIME. READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING.

* FINALLY TIME TO CHILL, I CAN DO WHAT I WANNA, DIVE INTO THE THE NEW MICHELLE OBAMA.

I'M GOING TO PUKE! PULL OVER RIGHT NOW! 0.3 MILES!

MARK, THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME. YOU TOLD ME TO FOCUS ON THE

NAV. WE'RE GOING HOME! .

* LATE AT NIGHT AND I FEEL SO FREE, EVERYONE ASLEEP EXCEPT FOR ME, *

* BIG BRIGHT MOON HANGING IN THE SKY, NAV IN MY LAP -- WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

NOTHING. GO BACK TO SLEEP EVERYONE. THANKS.

WILL YOU TURN THE AC ON? YEAH. YOU HOT OR COLD?

BOTH. I SAW WHAT YOU DID. * ON A ROAD TRIP *

WE'RE SO EXCITED TO BE DOING THIS REMAKE OF "THE PARENT TRAP."

WE FOUND SOME PLACES TO UPDATE THE ORIGINAL, BUT THE SCENE IN THE CABIN WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE

REALIZE THEY'RE TWINS IS SUCH A CLASSIC. WE WANTED TO LEAVE IT THE WAY IT

WAS. THIS IS SO SPECIAL. I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE HERE.

OBVIOUSLY SINCE YOU'RE PRAYING BOTH TWINS, TODAY YOU'LL BE HALLIE IN THE SCENES, AND

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ONE OF OUR GUYS RAYMOND READ WITH YOU, OKAY?

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME RAY. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.

I THINK I GET THE GIST. OKAY. LET'S START WITH THE SEQUENCE

WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE ARE HAVING A LITTLE DISAGREEMENT OVER WHETHER IT'S BEDTIME OR

NOT. YOU CAN HEAD TO YOUR COTS AND WE'LL GET STARTED ALL RIGHT?

GREAT AND ACTION. OFF. ON.

OFF. ON. TURN THEM OFF!

YOU ARE SO ANNOYING. I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU'RE A REAL BITCH!

OKAY. CUT. UMM, SIR, I DON'T THINK THE

SCRIPT SAID BITCH. YEAH, YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. I DID A LITTLE OFF THE CUFF

THING LIKE THEY DO ON "CURB." YOU GUYS WATCH THAT? MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO

READ THE LINES LIKE THE ONES THAT ARE IN THE SCRIPT. WE'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM

IN THE MOVIE, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. SHOULD I GO TO THE TOILET AT

SOME POINT AND SHE GETS MAD. THAT COULD BE FUN LIKE HER TWIN IS ALWAYS ON THE TOILET.

ARE YOU ASKING THAT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW?

WELL, I THINK MY CHARACTER MIGHT, BUT YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR. LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT

DAY. IT STORMED OUTSIDE, SO YOUR BELONGINGS GOT WET, AND NOW

YOU'RE TALKING BY THE WINDOW GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. AND ACTION.

OH, NO. ARE ANY OF YOUR PICTURES RUINED?

ONLY THE BAUFL SHAWN MENDEZ. WOW, HE IS HOT. YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE?

LISA RENA. I WOULD LET HER WRECK ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE.

LET'S MOVE ON TO THE OREO SCENE. YOU'RE BONDING, REALIZE YOU HAVE

A LOT IN COMMON, AND GO. WANT TO EAT SOME OREOS? MAY SOUND WEIRD, BUT I EAT THEM

WITH PEANUT BUTTER. WELL, F ME. SO DO I!

WOW, NO WAY. I WONDER WHAT ELSE WE HAVE IN COMMON.

YOU LIKE SCHLITZ BEER? WHAT? NO.

ANYWAY, HOW OLD ARE YOU? 56. OH, FOR THIS, 11.

MY BIRTHDAY'S IN OCTOBER. ME TOO. THIS IS TRIPPING ME OUT.

LET'S SEE IF WE HAVE A PICTURE OF OUR PARENTS THAT WAS RIPPED IN HALF TO SEE IF WE'RE TWIN

SFWLS NOT THERE YET. JUST JUMP AHEAD TO WHERE HALLIE'S PACING, PUTTING IT ALL

TOGETHER. THINK ABOUT IT. I ONLY HAVE A FATHER, AND YOU

ONLY HAVE A MOTHER. OH, YEAH? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR DAD,

AND I'VE NEVER SEEN MY MOM. SO YOU THINK WE'RE TWINS OR NOT YET?

YOU HAVE ONE OLD PICTURE OF YOUR MOM, AND I HAVE ONE OLD PICTURE OF MY DAD.

YEAH, LIKE IN THAT LINDSEY LOHAN MOVIE ABOUT THE TWIN. AT LEAST YOURS IS A WHOLE

PICTURE. A WHOLE PICTURE? YOU'RE 11.

DON'T LOOK AT THOSE. MY PICTURE IS PATHETIC AND RIPPED DOWN THE MIDDLE.

NOW BOTH RUN AND GET YOUR HALVES OF THE PICTURE. HERE IT IS.

THE PICTURE OF MY DAD. OKAY. I GOT MINE.

ON THE COUNT OF THREE, WE'LL SHOW THEM TO EACH OTHER, OKAY? OKAY.

ONE, TWO, THREE. WHOA. LESLIE MAN AND ED HELMS.

IS THIS FOR STREAMING. SO IF YOUR MOM IS MY MOM AND MY DAD IS YOUR BAD AND WE'RE

BOTH BORN ON OCTOBER 11th, THEN YOU AND I ARE LIKE SISTERS. SISTERS?

HALLIE, WE'RE FREAKING TWINS. ANNIE. OH, MY GOD, WOW, I'M LIKE

CRYING NOW. THIS IS AMAZING. SO THEY JUST SPLIT US UP?

WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT TO US? WE'VE GOT TO KILL THEM. THERE'S TWO OF US.

IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE CAN KILL THEM. I'M KIDDING.

I LOVE YOU. AND CUT. WOW, THAT WAS IT.

THANK YOU BOTH FOR THOSE PERFORMANCES. I'M BLOWN AWAY.

THIS IS GOING TO BE A HIT, AND I'LL SEE YOU BOTH AT THE PREMIER.

Announcer: YOU'RE WATCHING MTV. AT NINE, IT'S THREE STRAIGHT

DAYS OF "RIDICULOUSNESS." BUT FIRST, AN ALL NEW "RIDICULOUSNESS."

WHAT IS UP, WHAT IS UP? WELCOME TO "RIDICULOUSNESS." I'M ROB DYRDEK, AND YOU WOULDN'T

KNOW IT FROM MY CLOTHES, BUT I'M ALMOST 50, Y'ALL. JOINING ME AS ALWAYS, STEELO

BRIM AND CHANEL WEST COAST. WHAT UP, ROB? I'M ALREADY LAUGHING.

AND TODAY'S SPECIAL GUEST, YOU KNOW HER FROM TIKTOK, IT'S LEE LEE TWO TIMES.

YO, WHAT UP, WHAT UP? YO, CONGRATS ON ALL YOUR SUCCESS AND FOR LOOKING FINE AS

HELL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

YEAH. JUST TURNED 17 LAST WEEK! 17!

OOPSY! I MEANT FINE AS HELL AS A FRIEND.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S WATCH SOME VIDS, KIDS. THIS IS FALLING OFF.

FIRST, PEEP THESE FOOLS PARTYING ON A BOAT UP IN HERE. OH, OOPSY.

WHITE GIRL OVERBOARD. THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HURT, YO. SEE THAT'S WHY MY ASS DON'T

MESS WITH BOATS. YEAH, I FEEL YOU. I WAS ON THIS FAMILY VACAY ONE

TIME. MY COUSIN HAILEY WAS DOING THAT WHITE GIRL SELFIE POSE AND WE

HIT A WAVE, AND BAM! SHE FELL RIGHT OFF THAT BOAT AND FELL UNDER, BUT THE PROPELLER

HIT HER AND HER HEAD FELL OFF. OH, MY GOD. THAT IS HORRIFIC.

AND THE WORST PART WAS BECAUSE LIKE ALL THE BLOOD, A HUNTING FINDING NEMO FISH CAME

AROUND AND STARTED EATING AT HER HEAD. I'M SO SORRY, GIRL.

YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO. LET'S PEEP ANOTHER VID. LET TRY TO KEEP OUR ANECDOTES

MORE FUN, LESS TRAGIC AND UPSETTING. CHECK THIS OUT.

YO, THIS CAT, DUDE, WHAT, UH-OH, CUP HEAD. UH-OH, YO THAT CAT WAS TRIPPING.

CHANEL LIKED THAT ONE RIGHT THERE. YO, I CAN'T, I CAN'T, YO.

YO, CATS ARE A TRIP. YEAH, MAN, THEY CRAZY. LIKE GROWING UP, OUR CAT

SADIE WAS ALWAYS GETTING PREGNANT. SO SADIE A HO.

FOR REAL. SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH ONE TIME AND SIX KITTENS COMING OUT.

ALL OF THEM LOOKING DIFFERENT THAN THEY DADDY. SADIE, WHO YOU SMASHING?

THEY CAME OUT FUSED INTO ONE BIG FURRY BALL OF CAT PARTS. EARS, TAILS, ALL STICKING OUT.

IT WAS NOT FIRE. HA-HA-HA. CHANEL, YOU GOT A CAT.

YOU GOT ANY FUNNY CAT STORIES, GIRL? WAS THE CAT ALIVE?

YEAH. YEAH. BUT LIKE IT DIDN'T HAVE A MOUTH,

SO IT WAS SCREAMING FROM THE INSIDE LIKE MM! YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH. YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP MAKING

THAT NOISE, LEE LEE, WE GOT IT. ALL RIGHT. WE GOING TO PLAY WHAT'S GOING TO

GO DOWN. HERE'S THE FIRST FRAME OF OUR NEXT VID.

UH-OH, WE GOT A DUDE IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AT THE TOP OF SOME STAIRS.

STEELO, WHAT'S GOING TO GO DOWN? I THINK THAT DUDE'S FLYING OUT OF THAT THING ON THE FIRST

STAIR, MAN. WHAT YOU THINK, CHANEL? SAME.

SO HOW LONG DID THAT CAT HAVE TO LIVE? YO, NO MORE CAT BALL.

OKAY? THE CAT BALL'S WEIRD AND SAT. IT'S NOT THE VIBE OF THE SHOW,

OKAY? YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE ON THAT, MAN.

LET KILL THE CAT BALL. ACTUALLY, THE MOM CAT KILLED THE CAT BALL.

YO, NO MORE CAT BALL, YO. THAT CAT BALL IS DONE. PLEASE.

OKAY, LEE LEE, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO GO DOWN IN THIS VID? I THINK THIS WHITE BOY GOING

TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS AND JUMP OUT AND START WILDING.

THEN HE'S GOING TO FALL ON HIS ASS? NO.

HE'S GOING TO GET A TEXT THAT SAYS HIS PARENTS WERE MURDERED. NOPE, NOT THAT.

WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, RESET THE VIBE, AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE

"RIDICULOUSNESS." I GOT A PICTURE OF THE CAT BALL IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE.

I GOT A PICTURE OF THE CAT BALL IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE. I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK.

I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER, ALL RIGHT? HEY, CASEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I KNOW YOU AND THE GUYS USUALLY HANG OUT AT WAFFLE HOUSE

AFTER YOUR GAMES, SO I FIGURED YOU WOULD BE HERE. I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL

YOU. WHAT'S UP? I'M NOT GOING TO STATE NEXT

YEAR. HEY! THESE WAFFLES ARE TOO SMALL!

WE HAD A PLAN. WE WERE BOTH GOING GO TO STATE THEN MOVE BACK TO TOWN AFTER AND

GET MARRIED. THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED. NO.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED, ZACK. ALL RIGHT? I WANT MORE.

MORE THAN STATE, MORE THAN THIS TOWN. MORE THAN ME.

YEAH. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

NOTHING. I APPLIED TO THIS MUSIC PROGRAM IN NEW YORK CITY.

I GOT IN. OH, MY GOD. WHOSE DOG IS THIS?

THAT'S MY DOG. AREN'T YOU GOING SAY ANYTHING?

GET THIS DOG OUT OF HERE! I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, CASEY?

CONGRATS? I'M LOSING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I'M JUST THE LOVE OF YOUR

LIFE SO FAR. YOU'LL FIND OTHER GIRLS. THEY WON'T BE YOU.

I JUST -- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE 8th

GRADE. I KNOW. AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU. OH, EXCUSE ME!

I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO FIND THAT OUT. TRUST ME.

THIS WASN'T AN EASY DECISION. YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE, CASEY.

WE GOT A 724 IN PROGRESS. MAYBE I AM MAKING A MISTAKE, BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT GROWING UP

IS? IT'S ABOUT TAKING THE BIG CHANCES, MAKING THE BIG

MISTAKES. YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW WE BECOME WHO WE'RE MEANT TO BE.

DO IT! I'LL DO IT. DO IT!

IF YOU SAY SO. YOU KNOW WHERE I'M PUTTING THESE?

RIGHT DOWN MY PANTS, BABY. THAT'S WHERE I LIKE IT. I KNOW THIS IS THE RIGHT

DECISION. WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW, MAYBE A FEW YEARS FROM NOW, WE'LL FIND EACH

OTHER AGAIN. IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, IT'LL BE. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE.

NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT. I GUESS. COME HERE.

BIG MISTAKE. THANK YOU. FOR WHAT?

EVERYTHING. I GUESS THANK YOU TOO. DO YOU NEED A RIDE HOME?

NO. MY DAD DROVE ME. YOU READY TO GO, BABY GIRL?

YEAH, DAD. FREE BIRD GOT TO FLY, SON. **

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE 1975. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

** * HEARTBEAT IS COMIN' * * IN SO STRONG

OH IF YOU DON'T STOP I'M GONNA NEED *

* A SECOND ONE OH THERE'S SOMETHIN' I'VE BEEN MEANING TO

SAY TO YOU BABY * * HOLD THAT THOUGHT YEAH THERE'S SOMETHIN'

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SAY TO YOU BABY * * BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT

WHAT A CALL MOVING IN I FEEL LIKE I CAN LOOSEN MY LIPS *

* COME ON SO STRONG I CAN SUMMARIZE IT FOR YOU AH

IT'S SIMPLE * * AND IT GOES LIKE THIS I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU

I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I IN LOVE WITH YOU *

* I-I-I-I SHE'S GOT A BROADSHEET SHE'S READING

DOWN THE LIST * * OF THE GOING WRONGS OH YEAH YEAH YEAH

I'M GETTIN' NO SLEEP BECAUSE I'M * * TOSSIN' AND TURNIN'

ALL NIGHT LONG YEAH OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE SOMEWHERE I'VE *

* BEEN MEANING TO MEANING TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION

HOLD THAT THOUGHT * * OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE SOMEWHERE I'VE

BEEN MEANING TO MEANING TO * * TAKE THE CONVERSATION

BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT YOU SHOW ME YOUR YOU SHOW ME YOUR *

* BLACK GIRL THING BLACK GIRL THING PRETENDING THAT I KNOW

WHAT IT IS * * I WASN'T LISTENING I APOLOGIZE

AND YOU MEET MY EYES YEAH IT'S SIMPLE * * AND IT GOES LIKE THIS

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *

* I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I

IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU

I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *

* I-I-I-I-I AND YEAH I GOT IT I FOUND IT

I'VE JUST GOTTA KEEP IT * * DON'T HEY YOU MUPPET IT'S NOT THAT DEEP

BUT I'VE BEEN COUNTING MY BLESSINGS * * THINKING THIS THROUGH

IT'S LIKE ONE TWO YEAH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I *

* I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU

I-I-I-I * * I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I

YEAH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *

* I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I **

** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."

I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. THIS WEEKEND, BITTER RIVALS WHO

HAVE BEEN DESPERATELY PANNING FOR VOTES AND TRYING TO FORCE THEIR POLITICS ON AMERICA WILL

FINALLY FACE OFF IN PERSON. I'M OF COURSE TALKING ABOUT TOMORROW'S OSCARS.

THEY REAPOLOGETICED A REQUEST FROM UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY TO MAKE AN

APPEARANCE DURING THE OSCARS, BUT THEY PROMISE VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY WILL BE HOW JOHN

TRAVOLTA ANNOUNCES VIOLA DAVIS. ORGANIZERS SAID THEY CHANGED THE COLOR OF THE ARRIVAL CARPET FROM

RED TO CHAMPAGNE SO THE MOOD WOULD BE MORE MELLOW. I DON'T KNOW.

SWITCHING FROM RED TO CHAMPAGNE USUALLY TURNS ME INTO A FULL ON BITCH.

PRESIDENT BIDEN PROPOSED HIS BUDGET THAT WOULD HELP FUND MEDICARE WITH A 25% TAX ON

MILLIONAIRES. HA, TAKE THAT, RIHANNA. PRESIDENT BIDEN'S PROPOSED

BUDGET INCLUDED $400 MILLION TO TARGET THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF CHINESE DISINFORMATION, FORTUNE

COOKIES. TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE LAUGHING AT A DOG LOCKED IN A

HOT CAR RELEASED SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6 ATTACKS WITH THE VIOLENCE EDITED

OUT AND SAID IT PROVES IT WAS A PEACEFUL GATHERING. WHICH IS LIKE EDITING ALL THE

SEX OUT OF A PORN VIDEO AND SAYING IT'S A SHORT FILM ABOUT BEING A STEP MOM.

NEW DOCUMENTS FROM THE DOMINION LAWSUIT REVEALED TEXTS FROM TUCKER CARLSON IN WHICH HE

SAYS HE HATES DONALD TRUMP PASSIONATELY AND CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE'S ABLE TO IGNORE HIM.

THAT MUST SUCK TO GO ON TV AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOME PSYCHOTIC BIG GOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S GOOD

FOR THE SHOW. ANYWAY, BACK TO YOU, COLIN. I DON'T GET IT.

RUE PAUL HARSHLY CRITICIZED LAWMAKERS WHO BANNED DRAG SHOWS, AND LET ME JUST SAY, I GOT TO

SERVE REALNESS ON THIS ONE. THESE DUSTY BREEDERS ARE RESTING ON UGLY, AND I AM GAGGING ON IT.

I'M SORRY, GUYS, BEFORE THE SHOW, I SWITCHED FROM RED TO CHAMPAGNE.

OH, BOY. PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID THAT HE SUPPORTS A BILL THAT WOULD ALLOW

THE GOVERNMENT TO BAN TIKTOK. BUT ONLY BECAUSE BIDEN THINKS TIKTOK IS A GANG MEMBER FROM HIS

OLD NEIGHBORHOOD. AFTER WALGREENS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL STOP SELLING ABORTION

PILLS IN 21 STATES, CVS HAS REMAINED SILENT. WHILE OVER AT RITE AID, YOU CAN

JUST GRAB A PILL FROM THE TAKE ABORTION LEAVE ABORTION TRAY. IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE

ORGANIZERS OF KING CHARLES' CORONATION HAVE OFFICIALLY INVITED MEGHAN MARKLE -- AND

THIS IS NICE -- AT A STARTING SALARY OF $19 AN HOUR. THAT SEEMS VERY GENEROUS, GUYS.

THIS WEEK, TENNESSEE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR RANDY McNALLY WAS CAUGHT USING HIS

VERIFIED INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT TO ENGAGE WITH PROVOCATIVE PHOTOS OF A GAY YOUNG MAN.

HERE TO COMMENT THE GOVERNOR McNALLY. SORRY I'M LATE.

I SPENT ALL DAY PRINTING OUT MAP QUEST DIRECTIONS. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, BUT

I'M NOT GOOD AT THE INTERNET. YOU'RE A MARRIED MAN WHO SUPPORTS TENNESSEE'S ANTI-DRAG

LAWS. CAN YOU KU EXPLAIN WHY YOU COMMENTED ON A THIRST TRAP, YOU

CAN TURN A RAINY DAY INTO RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE? I DIDN'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD FIND

OUT BECAUSE I USED A SCREEN NAME. WHAT IS THE SCREEN NAME?

LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR McNALLY. YOU SEE HOW THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM.

ALSO I WANT TO POINT OUT YOU COMMENTED THREE HEARTS AND THREE FIRE EMOJIS ON THIS NAKED PHOTO

OF THE SAME YOUNG GAY MAN. WELL, COLIN, I DON'T DISCRIMINATE.

I COMMENT ON PHOTOS OF ALL ORIENTATIONS. ORIENTATIONS LIKE FROM THE SIDE,

FROM THE FRONT, FROM THE BACK. THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BUTT, BUT IT HELPS.

WHATEVER THE PHOTO, IT'S MY JOB TO ENCOURAGE MY CONSTITUENTS. I THINK IT'S JUST SOME

CONFUSION ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS. COLIN, I STAND BY MY TRADITIONAL VALUES.

I BELIEVE A WOMAN SHOULD BE IN THE HOME, AND A MAN SHOULD BE 143 POUNDS AND DANCING TO DUA

LIPA. OKAY. YOU -- OKAY.

YES. YOU'RE VERY CUTE, BUT YOU ARE -- YOU ARE CLAIMING THESE

INTERACTIONS ARE INNOCENT, BUT IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR THE

LITTLE GUY, JOE AVERAGE, EVERY TOM, DICK, AND HAIRLESS. I THINK SO THE PEOPLE OF

TENNESSEE FEEL MISLED. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. I'M JUST LOOKING.

LOOKING AT PICTURES ON ZILLOW DOESN'T MAKE ME A HOMEOWNER, ALTHOUGH I HAVE DONE A FEW 3D

TOURS. RANDY. RANDY BY NAME, RANDY BY

NATURE. WHY ARE YOU INTERACTING WITH THESE YOUNG MEN?

BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO VOTERS OR PEOPLE WHO COULD VOTE IN THE FUTURE.

I'M A PROUD CONSERVATIVE. I RESPECT POLICE OFFICERS, FIRE FIGHTERS, ANY MAN WHO PUTS HIS

BODY ONLINE FOR OTHERS. DO YOU MEAN ON THE LINE FOR OTHERS?

WHAT DID I SAY? BY THE WAY, ANY CHANCE YOU CAN PRINT ME OUT ANOTHER MAP QUEST?

I'M TRYING TO GET TO FLAMING SADDLES. RAN DID I, FOLKS ARE CALLING

YOU A HYPOCRITE FOR ENFORCING ANTILBGTQ LAWS WHILE SEEMING TO ENJOY QUEER CONTENT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I'M A HYPOCRITE? THAT I WAS FLIRTING WITH A

20-YEAR-OLD DANCING AROUND IN HIS FINE WASHABLES? THAT I MADE IT LEGAL TO HAVE

GUNS IN LIBRARIES BUT NOT DRAG QUEENS? THAT I PUBLICLY HATE THINGS THAT

I SECRETLY LIKE? BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS ARE TELLING ME TO GET OFF

INSTAGRAM, AND GUESS THAT, I WILL BECAUSE I FORGOT MY PASSWORD.

PASSWORD. RANDY McNALLY, EVER ANY TIME.

A DEEP SEA DIVER HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SET A NEW WORLD RECORD BY LIVING UNDER

WATER FOR 100 DAYS. I FEEL LIKE THE RECORD IS LONGER THAN THAT, SAID THE PEOPLE OF

NEW ORLEANS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LAUGH.

A MAN IN FLORIDA SAID HE WAS SURPRISED WHEN HE HEARD A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND IT TURNED OUT TO

BE AN ALLIGATOR. EVEN MORE SURPRISING, IT WAS DOING THE THING FROM "LOVE

ACTUALLY". OFFICIALS IN BERLIN ANNOUNCED THAT WOMEN WILL NOW BE

ALLOWED TO GO TOPLESS AT THE CITY'S POOLS, BUT OFFICIALS ALSO SAID TO BE AWARE IT'S NOT GOING

TO BE THE ONES YOU WANT. ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, BY 2035, MORE THAN HALF OF THE

WORLD'S POPULATION WILL BE JUST HOW I LIKE THEM. A PHOTO HAS GONE VIRAL OF A

98-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN KENTUCKY MEETING HER FIRST GREAT GREAT GREAT GRAND CHILD.

WOW, I WISH I HAD GOTTEN TO MEET MY GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER SO I COULD HAVE TOLD HER, DON'T

GET ON THAT BOAT! I EVEN TRIED ACTING DURING THAT ONE, MAN.

THERE IS A TREND ON TIKTOK OF PEOPLE EATING ORANGES IN SHOWERS CLAIMING THAT IT REDUCES

STRESS AND ANXIETY. BUT IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE FILMING YOURSELF EATING IN THE

SHOWER, I WOULD ARGUE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ANXIETY. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT LONG

DISTANCE RUNNING DOES NOT CAUSE WEAR AND TEAR ON MARATHONERS' KNEES, BUT IT DOES SAND THEIR

NIPPLES CLEAN OFF. WEDNESDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY -- I SAID WAS.

NEXT JOKE. A NEW STUDY FINDS -- [ LAUGHTER ]

A NEW STUDY FINDS SOME NEW YORK CITY RATS CARRY THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES COVID, WHICH IS WHY I

ALWAYS ORDER MINE WELL DONE. WELL, GUYS, WE -- WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE LEFT OF THE

END OF UPDATE. HERE TO FILL IT WITH SOME RANDOM IMPRESSIONS IS JAMES AUSTIN

JOHNSON. WOW. ALL RIGHT.

JAMES, WHAT IS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION? THIS IS ADAM DRIVER AS KYLA

FROM STAR WARS ON THE SHOW GIRLS. DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS

TO BE ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE? NO, YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE A

CHILD! OKAY. GREAT, GREAT.

ALL RIGHT. WAIT. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? BATMAN AND HE'S READING WHERE'S WALDO.

BATMAN READING WHERE'S WALDO. WHERE IS HE? OKAY.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY. WELL, THAT'S GREAT.

I THINK WE'RE ALREADY RUNNING OUT OF TIME. OKAY.

THIS NEXT IMPRESSION WOULD MAKE A GREAT SKETCH ON THE SHOW. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER IT.

SURE. THIS IS JAY-Z AND HE'S DOWNSTAIRS.

OKAY. BUSEY, BUSEY, BEYONCE. HOLD ON.

HOW WOULD YOU PLAY JAY-Z? HE WOULD BE DOWNSTAIRS. YOU DON'T SEE HIM BECAUSE HE'S

DOWNSTAIRS. I DON'T THINK YOU PUT MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS.

I HAVE A STOCK PILE OF USELESS TWO SECOND IMPRESSIONS THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

WITH, SO I KIND OF THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO THEM ON UPDATE WHERE IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.

BUT I HAVE TO GET THESE IMPRESSIONS OUT. IT'S MY BRAND.

BARTENDERS WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME AT THE AFTERPARTY IF I DON'T DO MY TRUMP VOICE.

WE HAVE BEEN WAITING A VERY LONG TIME FOR THAT NEGRONI. THIS IS MUCH TOO LONG.

IT'S A THREE INGREDIENT GREEN. IT'S VERY, VERY SWEET. I LOVE MY NEGRONI.

WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE IMPRESSION, BUT IT'S GOT TO BE QUICK.

I'VE GOT THE PERFECT ONE. THIS IS BOB DYLAN'S CELL PHONE ON VIBRATE.

HEY, HEY, HEY. JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON, EVERYONE.

JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON, EVERYONE. FOR "WEEKEND

WITHOUT FATHER MURPHY, I CAN'T PERFORM AN EXORCISM ALONE. YOU WILL ROT IN HELL.

HONEY, HEAR MY VOICE. I KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THERE, CLAIRE.

DID SOMEONE JUST KNOCK ON OUR DOOR? HELLO?

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WHAT IS ALL THE RUCCUS? OH, FATHER, THIS IS OUR

UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR, MRS. SHAW. AND I SHAWED HAVE BEEN ASLEEP 45 MINUTES AGO, BUT I SUPPOSE

YOU ALL DECIDE TODAY THROW A PARTY ON A TUESDAY. THIS ISN'T A PARTY.

IT'S OUR DAUGHTER. SHE'S BEEN POSSESSED. WE'RE WAITING FOR FATHER

MURPHY. Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO WAIT. I'LL DO IT.

DO WHAT? THE EXORCISM. I'M GETTING MY SLEEP TONIGHT.

AHH! AHH! SEE I CAN DO IT TOO, OKAY?

YOU DON'T SCARE ME, SWEETIE. YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL. YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN A CROSSING GUARD AT NASSAU AND EDGE MONT FOR SIX YEARS.

THAT'S SIX LANES. EVERY DAY, I'M THE ONLY THING STOPPING 5th GRADERS FROM

GETTING SENT TO HELL BY A U.P.S. TRUCK. HELLO?

OKAY, YOU NEED TO GET OUT. USE YOUR WORDS. SUCK MY BUTT!

NO, MA'AM, I DON'T DO ALL THAT. I TOSSED SALAD ONCE, AND I WAS

LIKE, THIS AIN'T FOR ME. MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THE PRIEST, MRS. SHAW.

OH, NO. I NEED TO GET MY EIGHT HOURS. UH-OH, WHERE'S SHE GOING?

YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, YOU STUPID WHORE. STUPID WHAT NOW?

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT. YESTERDAY, A THIRD GRADER CALLED

ME A USED UP SKANK. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? YOU'RE AN UGLY -- UMM --

UMM WHAT? LOOK AT YOU STUTTERING. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BEFORE I TURN

ON THE CEILING FAN. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. IS IT WORKING?

YEAH, IT IS. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT. LET ME OUT.

SHE'S EXPELLING THE DEMON. QUICK, WE'LL NEED A NEW VESSEL. I GOT YOU A VESSEL ALL RIGHT.

FRANK! GET DOWN HERE, FRANK! WOMAN, WHAT YOU WANT?

I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. YOU CAN'T SLEEP IF YOU'RE TALKING.

AND LITTLE GIRL, YOUR ASS BETTER NOT BE LEVITATING BACK THERE. SORRY, MRS. SHAW.

THANK YOU, BABY. WAKING MY ASS UP AT 9:00 P.M. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

WE DOING AN EXORCISM, FRANK. WELL, I SHAWED HAVE BEEN ASLEEP 47 MINUTES AGO.

WE KNOW, BABY. NOW YOU GOT TO BE A VESSEL FOR THIS HERE DEMON.

I DON'T WANT DO THAT. IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I'LL CANCEL OUR SEX DATE NEXT WEEK.

OKAY. FOUND MY WEAK SPOT. LET ME GET SITUATED FIRST.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON NOW, DEMON. DO YOUR WORST.

OH, MY GOD. MOM, DAD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHY ARE THE SHAWS IN OUR HOUSE?

SHOULDN'T THEY BE ASLEEP? WE CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH. IT'S ALL GOOD.

IT'S ALL GOOD. Y'ALL SLEEP TIGHT NOW. COME ON,

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * I'VE BEEN SUICIDAL * * YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR WEEKS

IF I'M UNDECIDED WILL YOU DECIDE FOR ME BABY I'LL DO ANYTHING *

* THAT YOU WANNA I'LL TRY ANYTHING THAT YOU WANNA

I'LL TRY * * 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE

I WANNA GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME * * 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS

ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE * GETTING SUICIDAL

IT'S HONESTLY NOT FOR ME I'M GETTIN' ON MY NERVES BY GETTIN' ON MY KNEES *

* GETTING CUCKED I DON'T NEED IT THE PLACE I WANT TO BE

IS SOMEWHERE IN YOUR HEART * * SOMEWHERE GUARANTEED 'CAUSE BABY

I'LL DO ANYTHING THAT YOU WANNA * * I'LL TRY ANYTHING

THAT YOU WANNA I'LL FIND MYSELF IN THE MOONLIGHT *

* 'CAUSE BABY I WANT EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANNA

AND I'VE TRIED TO * * JUST BE ME LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES

BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE * * I WANNA GET IT RIGHT

THIS TIME 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS ON MY MIND *

* ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE OH I'VE TRIED TO FIND

ANOTHER NAME * * A THOUSAND TIMES BUT THE ONLY ONE THAT RHYMES

ALWAYS ON MY MIND IS OH CAROLINE * * JUST GIVE ME

ONE MORE CHANCE TONIGHT I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU BABY *

* NO I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU BABY

OH CAROLINE * * GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME ALWAYS ON MY MIND

I WANNA GET IT RIGHT BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND * * OH CAROLINE

I WANNA GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS *

* ON MY MIND ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE

OH CAROLINE * SING IT, JAMIE. * I WANNA GET IT RIGHT

THIS TIME ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE *

* ** **

** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SINCE BREAKING OFF FROM DONALDS DONALDS DOMINGUEZ TO FORM DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ, WE HAVE

NOT LANDED A SINGLE NEW CLIENT. YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS? IT'S BECAUSE DONALD DONALDS

DOMINGUEZ HAD A PHONE NUMBER TO REMEMBER, AND EVERYONE IN TOWN KNOWS THEIR FAMOUS PHONE NUMBER

JINGLE. THAT'S RIGHT. WE DON'T HAVE THAT.

OUR NUMBER IS 1-672-555-0136. WHAT WE NEED IS TO TURN THAT NUMBER INTO A SUPPER CATCHY

JINGLE. THERE'S NO WAY TO CREATE A CATCHY JINGLE WITH A NUMBER LIKE

THAT. LAST TUESDAY, MITCHELL AND I WERE AT LUCCIANO'S.

AND YES, I WAS DRINKING -- NO, I WAS GETTING TANKED. MITCHELL GOT TANKED AND

LUCCIANO'S. BUT THEN THIS BAND GOT UP ON THE STAGE AND SANG THE MOST IF YOU

THINK HOOKS I HAD EVER HEARD. COME ON IN, GUY. HEY, THERE.

HELLO, LAWYERS. WE ARE SOUL BOOTH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS

SOUL BOOTH, AND THEY'RE HERE TO SAVE US. WORKED OUT A FEW DEMOS FOR

Y'ALL. WE HEARD YOU NEEDED A POP IF YOU THINK HOOK THAT WILL STICK

ON THE MIND LIKE GRAPEVINES. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?

OH, I DO. THEY AIN'T READY. HERE WE GO.

* ONE -- SIX-SEVEN -- TWO * * THEN THREE STRAIGHT FIVES, THE NEXT NUMBER IS O!

* ONE -- THREE -- AND SIX * * WHO YOU GONNA CALL, WHO YOU GONNA CALL, TELL THEM *

* DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ * GUYS, I'M SORRY. I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO

WORK FOR US. WHY IS THAT? JUST DOESN'T SOUND LIKE WHAT

WE HEARD AT LUCCIANO'S. OH, YOU WANT THAT LUCCIANO SOUND?

YES. THIS TRACK SHOULD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M TANKED UP AT LOOCH,

UNDERSTOOD? LOUD AND CLEAR. CRYSTAL.

AND THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE CLOSER TOGETHER. YEAH.

I THINK THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE MUCH CLOSER TOGETHER. UH-HUH.

SO MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE? THEY AIN'T READY.

COME ON. HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.

* ONE THOUSAND-SIX HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE

HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * * DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ *

GUYS, GUYS, COME ON, THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG. YOU CALL THAT A LOOCHED UP

TRACK? I SHOULD FEEL FIVE DEEP POSTED UP AT LOOCH RIGHT ABOUT

NOW. WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT THAT. WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT WRITING

A JINGLE THAT FEELED LIKE I'M GETTING DAKED DOWN IN THE BACK OF LOOCH?

THEY'RE ABOUT TO KOOT ME OFF, BUT THEN THAT BARTENDER IN THE BACK ACTING LIKE BIALIK.

THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE PRESENTED LIKE A PHONE NUMBER. OR JUST ANYWHERE NEAR THAT

WOULD BE GREAT. I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE JUST THE THING.

ABSOLUTELY. LET'S TAKE A TRIP. I WANT TO TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE

WHERE THERE IS NO RACE, NO RELIGION, A LITTLE PLACE WE CALL HOME.

BUT YOU MAY KNOW AS LUCCIANO'S. HERE WE GO. * ONE THOUSAND-SIX

HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE

HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * ONE MORE TIME. THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

* ONE THOUSAND-SIX HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE

HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MITCHELL, DID THEY DO IT? IS IT LUCHI? NOT ONLY CAN I NOW PERFECTLY

RECALL THE PHONE NUMBER OF OUR LAW OFFICE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL ABSOLUTELY

ASS-OUT DAKED DOWN AND LOOCHED UP. MY ONLY QUESTION IS -- HOW MUCH?

$10,000. LESS. 40 EACH.

DEAL. EVERYBODY! * 16,000-SEVEN-FIVE HUNDRED *

I WANT TO THANK THE 1975. FRED ARMISON, THE WONDERFUL, SO, SO FUNNY CAST, JERRY, DONNA,

KATIE, MY TEAM OF COURSE. THE CREW, I FEEL LIKE THIS HAS JUST BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL

EXPERIENCE, AND I'M REALLY, REALLY GRATEFUL. THANK YOU GUYS FOR WATCHING AND

LETTING US BE RIDICULOUS AND LETTING ME DO THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME.

LETTING ME DO THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]