Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[whooshing]

[beeping]

[whooshing]

[beeping]

[wind gushing]

[music playing]

[whoosh]

[witch cackling]

[whoosh]

[music playing]

[whoosh]

[music playing]

[witch cackling]

[music playing]

[witch cackling]

[music playing]

[whoosh]

[music playing]

[whoosh]

[witch cackling]

[whoosh]

[witch cackling]

[music playing]

[witch cackling]

[music playing]

[whoosh]

[music playing]

[witch cackling]

[crashing]

[cat screeching]

[music playing]

ANDREW: Go to sleep, Katie.

KATIE: You know I can't go to sleep with the light off.

ANDREW: Try counting sheep.

KATIE: I don't like sheep.

They scare me.

ANDREW: You are so sad.

Stop it.

DAD: OK, you two.

What's all the talking about?

I can't sleep with the light off.

ANDREW: I could have.

All right.

Let's, let's just settle down.

I miss mom.

And I think there's something in the closet.

How about a story?

ANDREW: Could we?

Yeah?

OK.

OK.

Um yeah, how about this one?

Nah.

No?

Oh, this-- this one was your favorite last year.

You loved-- you don't love this one anymore.

OK.

Um, well, I've never seen this one before.

BOTH: Neither have we.

All right then.

Let's try this.

[magical music]

Wow.

Hm.

"Once upon a time, in a far off land,

there stood a lowly shack, hardly

fit for an animal to live."

Wait a minute.

Don't these stories usually start with a castle?

Is this a fairy tale?

Let's just give it a few pages.

There aren't any, uh, sheep, in any of these fairy tales,

are there?

[sigh]

DAD [VOICEOVER]: "Close to a large forest,

there lived a woodcutter and his family.

They were very poor and had little to eat.

The boy was named Hansel.

The girl, Gretel.

While their father spent his days searching for food,

the children were left to the care

of their wicked stepmother."

[door creaking]

[gasp]

Rats, eating all my bread.

Well, we all know what happens to rats.

They get squished.

[stomping]

My cheese!

[angry screaming]

[surprised screaming]

[thud]

[slap]

What in the living daylights is going on?

BOTH: Father!

[father chuckling]

BRUNHILDA: We have rats in the house.

Rats?

Yes.

Huge rats.

And they ate a week's worth of bread and my cheese.

We had cheese and a week's worth of bread?

No, just wishful thinking.

We never have any food.

Well, tonight, we feast!

Oh, honey-- ferret, my favorite.

I'll just stick it in a pot, and we'll have stew.

GRETEL: Hansel, we're gonna have hot stew!

Now, come and see what I have gotten for your collection.

Ah.

See?

Has some quartz in there.

Amazing!

KATIE: Father, what is-- BRUNHILDA: Yummy--

KATIE: --this one called? BRUNHILDA: Ferret stew.

ANDREW: I've never seen one like this!

DAD: This one has some fellspire.

You see how that shines?

That is a jewel for my little princess.

Oh, thank you, father.

I love you.

If you spent more time looking for food instead of for rocks,

maybe we wouldn't be starving.

DAD: What was that, Brun?

KATIE: We have so many rocks now.

Uh, I was just saying what a rocking good time we're having!

FATHER: Ah, is that so?

Yeah, we were chasing rats.

You're kidding me.

ANDREW: I saw a huge one-- looked just like Broomhilda.

So I whacked it on the head.

BRUNHILDA: Do you see how they tease and taunt me?

And my name is Brunhilda, not Broomhilda.

Can't you get that straight?

It just hurts me so.

Hansel, I will not have you talk

that way about your stepmother.

Off to bed with you.

Go.

And where do you think you're going?

I'm going too.

Good night, father.

[music playing]

Aw, come here, Broom.

I mean, Brun.

I meant to say Brun.

Please.

Come.

[music playing]

I just want them to love me.

And they will, in time.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

[giggling]

Oh yeah.

Ew!

What's she doing?

Gross!

She's juicing him.

The word's seducing, stupid.

Well, it's still gross.

Poor children.

I'll try to be more understanding.

Yeah.

Hm.

[music playing]

[twinkling music]

Goodnight, Hansel.

Goodnight, Gretel.

[stepmother slurping]

I have been thinking about what you said.

Oh?

What's that?

Oh, I can't stand us living this way any longer.

I will sell the necklace.

This is not the life I promised you and the children.

I will head for the city tomorrow.

Well, if that's what you've decided,

honey, then you should tell the children right away.

Yeah, yeah.

[slurping]

[slurping]

[twinkling music]

[burp]

ANDREW: This is dumb.

Is not.

Yeah, it is.

A real fairy tale has trolls and witches and boogymen.

You wouldn't sell any of mommy's things,

would you, daddy?

No, honey.

No, I wouldn't.

But I don't think Hansel and Gretel's dad had a choice,

you know?

They were starving.

Maybe they could each other, like cannibals.

That's enough, Andrew.

[music playing]

How are the children?

Upset.

Well, the money the locket brings

us will buy us food and supplies to last a whole year.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll just--

[snake rattling]

--polish and pack it for the journey.

It should look its very best for the jewelers.

That is very thoughtful of you.

I'm a very thoughtful girl.

FATHER: I will have to leave before sunrise.

Time for bed.

[music playing]

[kiss]

[music playing]

[kiss]

[music playing]

It's show time!

We're going for a walk into the woods.

A very long walk.

[SLEEPILY] Count me out.

Me too.

I wasn't axing you.

I'm telling you.

Chop, chop!

Yes, Brun.

Is she gonna chop us up?

No, she's not that dumb.

She's going to take us into the forest and lose us.

But don't worry, I've got a plan.

It's called, let's get out of here!

I don't think so.

If you hate us so much, then why did you marry our father?

One very good reason.

One 22-carat, fine filigree reason.

That's our mother's!

Not anymore.

But father said he was taking it to town to sell.

Your idiot father is carrying a neatly packaged pebble.

And with the money this fine necklace brings,

I can finally live the kind of life I deserve.

Our father will find you.

Then you'll be sorry!

Not!

He'll be too busy searching for his little lost children.

Lessens the value, you understand.

No!

[soft music]

DAD [VOICEOVER]: "Deeper and deeper and deeper

into the forest she led them.

Hansel, always a boy with a plan,

secretly marked the pathway.

Otherwise, they would never be able to find their way home."

[eerie music]

Do we have a problem?

Hm?

No way I'm going in there.

Don't worry, we'll find our way back.

My rock collection, remember?

Oh, by the way, you might want to bring these.

I know.

I even amaze myself sometimes.

Now, off with you.

Go, go, go.

[stepmother cackling]

Oh.

ANDREW: Let's just wait here until she's gone.

[eerie music]

Hm.

[eerie music]

See?

It's not so bad.

Nothing here but fog.

[rustling leaves]

[approaching footsteps]

Boo!

Run, Gretel!

Just think of it as a sleepover.

Only you'll be staying over and over and over.

[stepmother cackling]

[coughing]

[suspenseful music]

What now?

Now we get out of the forest, head to the city,

and find father.

This way.

Wait!

[whooshing]

We're lost, aren't we?

[crow caws]

I'm so tired and hungry.

Just try to stay calm.

OK, Gretel?

[crow cawing]

[cawing]

By the twitching of my nose, something tasty this way comes.

[sniffing]

[crow caws]

[suspenseful music]

[creature bellowing]

What is it?

I don't know.

[WHISPERS] What is it?

[WHISPERS] I don't know.

Well, if you give me a chance, I'll tell you.

Sorry, I just got caught up in the moment.

ANDREW: You're scared.

I am not.

Honey, are you sure?

Are you ready for this?

I mean, are you really ready for it?

I mean, are you really, really ready for it?

Well, what is it?

It is a boogeyman!

[boogeyman yelling]

[hansel and gretel screaming]

[katie screaming] [andrew screaming]

[dad yelling]

[boogeyman yelling]

It's getting a little too noisy in the neighborhood.

The owner's association is getting a letter from me.

If it's not the birds squawking, it's

the squirrels chattering, or--

Yo, baldy.

I'm working here, huh?

What are you doing here?

This is my part of the forest.

You're not supposed to be here.

Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more.

Well, well.

If it isn't the Sandman, the sultan of snooze,

the bearer of bedtime.

Well, at least what I do is important!

What kind of job is lurking around in closets, scaring

kids out of their pajamas?

It's a fun job.

Oh, ooh.

You know there's, um, you have a little--

[boogeyman sniffling]

Uh, tissue!

You know what?

Not my concern.

Ha, ha.

Very funny.

You know, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a hot date.

Maybe you know her?

The wood faerie.

Well, I know enough about her.

What do you mean?

Well, she's a faerie.

She's blonde.

Need I say more?

You're just jealous.

Jealous?

Of you?

Ha, ha!

You better believe it, Sandman.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to go.

I will see you two later.

[boogeyman growls]

And I'll see you later too, later.

[music playing]

Don't be scared.

His, um, his, uh, fright is a lot worse than his frown.

You're not really the Sandman, are you?

Absolutely.

I'm the Sandman.

And you live here?

Of course.

Where else would I live, New York?

The city that never sleeps?

[horn honks]

I don't think so.

Though I was looking at a timeshare.

I wasn't really interested in it,

but if you just go, like, look at it,

they give you a clock radio.

That was nice.

So, this must be your sleep dust.

Whoa, whoa.

Back off, shorty.

This is very powerful stuff, only to be handled by highly

trained professionals.

And you are?

I'm Hansel, and this is Gretel.

We're lost.

Well, it has been a rare pleasure,

but I must be going, because I'm an important guy

with an important job.

Do you mean you're not going to help us?

Uh--

We're lost.

You live here.

GRETEL: We must find our father.

You can help us get out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Time out.

I'm already late.

I have to put more people to sleep

than an Academy Award telecast.

I have children lining up the world over for some shut eye.

And you help children, don't you?

That's what I live for--

to help children.

And, and--

[bell dings]

Ah.

I see.

I see what you're getting at here.

OK.

I'm not supposed to do this, but you need someone, right?

You need a guide, right?

Someone who knows the lay of the land.

Someone who is a qualified leader to find the hidden signs

and define their meaning.

[record scratches]

I don't know anybody like that.

But I happen to be a kick butt Kung Fu fighter.

I have taught myself online.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ow!

Woo, woo, woo!

Ooh wah!

Yah!

Ooh, ooh!

See, what I'm doing now, is I'm focusing more on the sounds

than the actual movements.

Because you take one piece at a time.

Woo!

Ahh!

Ooh.

Oh.

Oh.

Ooh.

So you'll help us?

Yes.

Oh, thank you Sandman!

Oh, you're welcome.

No, it's OK.

That's OK.

I understand.

Cool with me.

There you go. [kiss smacks]

[kiss smacks]

Right back at you.

How about those Bears, huh?

Ooh, it's getting late.

You know what?

It's getting late.

We've got to find you a place to sleep.

Come on, let's go.

[eerie music]

It was-- it was--

it was a left at the oak and a right at the cedar, right?

Or was it the other way around?

Oh, this fog is wrecking my hair.

Oh!

Although the moisture does seem to be doing

wonders for my complexion.

[birds squawking]

Just a lovely little walk in the forest.

Tra-la-la! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Left-right, left-right, left-right,

left-right, left-right, left-right, left-right.

One.

OK.

All right, this is--

left, take a left here.

All right, left and now straight.

And step--

This is disgusting.

Hey, Sandman.

Anyone ever tell you this is a stinky bog?

Right, bog.

Safest place there is.

Yeah, well, I'm just gonna take my chances somewhere else.

Well, be my guest, but wolves will not come into bogs.

Wolves do not like bogs.

[wolves howling]

Did, did I mention what a beautiful bog this was?

Yes, thank you!

I'll be here all week.

Tip your waitress.

[clock chimes]

All right, time for me to go.

All right, right this way.

Come on.

Up here.

Perfect.

Uh, place right here.

All right, go to sleep.

Okie dokie.

All right, just lie down here.

Be very comfortable.

Everything here is from Bed, Bogs and Beyond.

All right?

Sleep tight, kids.

Off like a light, into the night.

[balloon pop]

Hansel?

Uh-huh?

I'm hungry.

Me too, but we'll find something to eat tomorrow, OK?

I promise.

Goodnight, Hansel.

Goodnight, Gretel.

[bog squirt]

[birds chirping]

Do you think he's coming back?

I don't know.

Come on, let's find something to eat.

[birds chirping]

Once I get out of here, I am never going

to live anywhere near a forest!

Trees, trees, trees.

Hate them.

Oh!

[crash]

Look, Gretel!

Mm.

Smells good.

No!

Are you nuts?

Fire berries.

Wow, that was close, Hansel.

I admit it, I'm impressed.

OK, here's what I'm going to do now.

I gotta get you two some food and out of here.

Everyone fall in.

Let's go.

This way.

I, uh, don't want to go direct, because--

[adventure music]

Look!

That's a sign.

Did I put the man in Sandman, or what?

I'm having a huge pan-fried river

trout with pumpernickel bread.

Mm!

Wild boar with spiced apple and Black Forest cake.

Let's go! [clock chimes]

Uh-oh.

What do you mean, uh oh?

I'm on.

No way!

There's food waiting for us.

Yeah, well, there are millions of boys and girls expecting me.

What am I supposed to do?

Can't you just delegate?

I-- uh, uh, look!

Delegate, delegate, delegate, delegate.

Oh, you mean more of a supervisory position.

Well, you know, it's worth a thought, I suppose.

But it's a-- that's, um-- it-- there's a system.

And I'm a company man, don't want to put a crimp

in the system, and union--

[clock chimes]

OK!

I am coming already.

I-- I, uh-- I--

kids, I'll be back as fast as I can.

Get me some food to go, OK?

Off like a light, into the night!

[balloon ripples]

You know what?

I need the cardio.

I'm just going to stroll, because--

I'm just gonna-- you know what--

Wait, Sandman!

Come back!

I'm eating.

I don't believe this.

Food.

SPEAKER [ON TV]: You can burn away that gut.

Sear that cellulite with Fat Incinerator!

Simply dial 1-800-4579-1111-4286 19 star

star star today and order Fat--

Gotta have that. SPEAKER [ON TV]: --Incinerator.

Yeah.

TROLL: Yeah, go for the burn, my brother.

SPEAKER [ON TV]: All right.

[troll farts loudly]

Oh! Hm!

[troll sniffs]

Oh!

Cheese and crackers! Ugh!

Mm.

SPEAKER [ON TV]: --order now.

Yes?

I would like to purchase the Fat Incinerator.

[eerie music]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hansel?

[distant grunting]

Hansel?

[grunting]

Hansel?

Hansel?

[loud grunting]

[gretel screaming]

SPEAKER [ON TV]: My name's Turkey Trouble.

You know, I've dedicated my life to--

I did it!

Ha, ha, ha!

Yes!

Two children?

This is great!

Gimme a T!

Gimme an R!

Gimme an O!

Gimme an L!

Gimme a minute.

Oh, boy.

Who's the man?

Troll!

Who dances like a warthog and bites like a flea?

Me, me, me, me!

SPEAKER [ON TV]: Ab-buster 3,000!

So--

I gotta have that!

SPEAKER [ON TV]: -grab your monster card now, and simply

dial 1-800-4268-1111--

Yes?

I want to order the Troll Ab-buster 3,000.

[groans] Yes, I can wait.

[troll grunting]

[troll loudly farts]

Come on!

Do you have to do that with me floating right here?

[MOCKINGLY] Me me me me me me me!

Hey, mister.

What about the food?

The sign said diner.

Yeah, I'm the diner.

You didn't really fall for the sign, did you?

I mean, that's the oldest trick in the book.

We're hungry.

HANSEL: Try starving!

I love this job!

[troll laughs]

Oh!

You should have followed the skull and crossbones, kid.

Hey, wood sprite.

Get away from them.

You trying to ruin my fun again?

Just making nice with our guests, genius.

Why don't you go outside and wait for your Ab-buster 3,000

to arrive?

Heaven knows you need it.

And I'm not a wood sprite.

I'm a wood faerie.

And you would know that if you weren't such a drop out.

I'm much more beautiful than wood sprite.

Ugh.

Much more of a pain.

Wish I never captured you.

Ugh, dames.

Bah.

So?

[troll grunts]

Zap me, fat boy!

Take me out of my misery!

[gun zapping]

Stop moving, you dumb pixie!

[troll grunting]

The thing that twists his noodle

is he can't figure out whether he's just a bad shot,

or I'm really that quick.

Watch it, tubs.

You're going to blow a blood vessel.

[gun zapping]

Leave my blood vessels out of it!

[distant gun zapping]

Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

This is troll country.

I wouldn't want you to run into one.

Gretel?

Hansel?

Hansel?

Gretel?

Just when I thought I actually made some real friends.

Fine.

Fine.

Maybe I'll find another couple of lost children

who will appreciate my help.

[troll grunting]

Hansel?

[troll laughing and grunting]

You are the weakest link!

[crash]

Goodbye!

[liquid bubbling]

Sandman!

I thought we'd never see you again!

Oh, oh, ye have little faith.

Just ah-- Let me just ah--

let me get the lock. OK.

[inaudible]

Thank you, Sandman.

And, uh-huh.

Let's vamoose.

Come on.

All right.

This way, follow me.

Hold on.

[thunder rumbling]

Be a darling, would you?

Back off!

I know who you are, faerie girl.

Just--

What's wrong, Sandman?

Sandman?

As in sprinkle, sprinkle, sleepy sleep?

I do kids, all right?

And the occasional troll.

Yeah, yeah, good job.

Could you possibly--

I don't trust anybody who, uh, dates the Boogeyman.

What?

Who told you that?

We haven't been going out for, like, hours.

I guess you boogie oogie oogied till you

just couldn't boogie no more.

I am not that kind of faerie!

We just happened not to get along.

Besides, he doesn't use a handkerchief.

OK, good luck.

And I'm sure, once you get free, you will find Mister Right.

Let's go, let's go.

We can't just leave her here.

HANSEL: Yeah, maybe she can help us.

You know, two heads are better than one.

So, uh, so somebody doesn't like the job I'm doing?

No, no.

What he means is she has faerie powers.

Maybe she can help us.

I'm pretty mean with the wand.

Maybe, um, maybe, you have a point.

I just, uh--

OK.

Uh, you two wait outside.

We should speak.

We can wait.

This is strictly one magical character to another,

you understand?

So, uh, OK?

Great.

OK.

First things first-- you can only use

your magic against the enemy.

On my honor as a member of the Faerie Clan.

I am in charge here.

Aye, aye, captain.

And remember-- you are bound by faerie code.

Right.

Faerie code.

Absolutely.

Whatever.

Can you please help me get out of these bracelets?

OK.

There's that.

And--

Thank you.

Oh, you got, uh, that's, uh--

guess it's important to accessorize.

Ooh.

That's nice.

Are you trying to seduce me?

Because-- whew!

[WHISPERS] You don't have a clue where you are, do you?

What is with all the questions?

I haven't had sleep in two days.

Do you mind?

And I happen to know exactly where we are.

Well?

The magic forest.

On our way out, if you want to get technical.

OK, Sandy, since you know so much about the forest--

where's the thousand-year-old twisting birch?

Easy.

Eh.

That way.

There is no thousand-year-old twisting birch.

Are you purposely trying to undermine my authority?

Listen, if we don't get these kids something to eat soon,

they're going to waste away to nothing.

So the sooner we get them home, the sooner

they can get something to eat.

And I think it's about time you were voted off.

[crow caws]

Food!

Oh!

[creatures howling]

[wolves howling]

I can't walk another step.

I'm too hungry.

Come on, Gretel.

It won't be long now.

We'll be out of here soon.

You'll see.

Carry me, Sandman?

Me too.

No, it's, uh, this way.

Not too far now.

Come on.

I wouldn't go that way, if I were you.

Excuse me?

Well, that way will just carry you deeper into the forest.

I don't think so.

You are so in denial.

Psst.

Am not!

You so are!

Am not!

Yes, you are!

Am not!

Yes, you are.

Am not.

Am not, not, not--

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes!

Not, not, not!

[crow caws]

Oh, nice.

Dinner and a movie?

I like it.

Uh, hello?

Yoo-hoo!

Table for one!

I'm ready to place my order.

Yoo-hoo!

Hello?

I'll call back later.

Can I get a little service?

Waiter?

[troll laughing]

Waiter?

Not, not, not, not, not, not, not--

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are!

That does it!

[bell rings]

Ooh!

Ahh!

Let's go, light bulb.

You're joking, right?

Putting up your dukes!

You're frightened, huh?

Ha!

I'm a wood faerie.

And?

I'm a girl wood faerie.

You brought down the thunder, baby.

I believe in equal rights for men, women, and wood fairies.

Why I outta!

Can you smell what the Sandman's cooking?

BOTH: Go faerie!

Go faerie!

Go faerie! Go faerie!

Go faerie!

Go fairy!

Go faerie!

Oh, you're pinching.

[crowd cheering]

You're kidding, right?

It doesn't say that.

Well, it might.

Come on, I'm just trying to spice it up a little bit.

It's OK, daddy.

You were doing just fine.

Are you sure?

Not too scary?

It's actually pretty good.

OK.

OK.

Hm.

[sandman groaning]

I'm fine.

That was nice.

I like that, the--

Thank you.

--the whole flip and the--

OK.

All right.

OK.

Oh, oh.

Maybe, uh, maybe L5, L6.

I don't-- a compressed disc.

But I'm-- I'm OK.

Oh, oh!

[clock chimes]

Not already.

What's up?

I have to go.

WOOD FAIRY: What about the kids?

I, I know--

I'll, I'll be back as fast as I can,

and I will get you out of this forest.

And I will get you breakfast.

I mean it!

Eggs, toast, waffles, bacon--

you name it.

Wild boar, pumpernickel bread, Black Forest gateau with fries.

That's going to be a little tough at the drive-thru.

[wood faerie chuckles]

Just gonna, uh--

off like-- ooh, it hurts--

off like a light, into the night!

[twinkling]

What now?

You two look exhausted.

I'll tell you what.

You two settle in here for a little bit.

I'll buzz around and see what I can find, OK?

I'll be back in a flash.

[whoosh]

No pun intended.

Hurry back.

Closer, closer, closer now!

Maybe a little breeze in the night

will help this tasty meal on its way.

[witch cackling]

[intense music]

[wind gushing]

WOOD FAERIE: Hansel?

Gretel!

Help me!

The wood faerie!

She's in trouble!

She told us to wait here.

But she's in trouble!

Hansel!

Gretel!

We have to help her!

[wind gushing]

[birds chirping]

Gretel!

Gretel, wake up!

Where's the wood faerie?

I don't know.

Hey, Gretel.

Do you smell that?

Yes!

[music playing]

Two very hungry children are feasting on my house.

Can you see us?

I am a little short-sighted.

But I can hear you and, more importantly, I can smell you.

A boy and a girl.

What are your names?

I'm Gretel.

This is my brother, Hansel.

Hello.

Oh!

Oh.

There's lots more where this comes from.

Wow!

Real food!

Please, help yourselves.

Thank you!

Oh, you're all skin and bone.

Here, come inside.

There's lots more to eat.

What are you thinking?

I'm not, my stomach is.

Something isn't right.

Oh, Gretel.

You're way too cautious.

She's just a sweet old lady with a ton of food she needs eating.

Well, I guess you're right.

I mean, she can barely see us.

Exactly.

And when was the last time we had this much to eat?

Try never.

Right.

So I say, we eat like pigs, smile, eat some more.

Pack as much food as we can carry,

say our thank you's, and get out of this forest.

You with me?

WOMAN: Oh, look what I just found!

A big pan-fried river trout, wild boar, pumpernickel bread,

some Black Forest gateau.

Oh, and a side of fries!

Got any ketchup?

[ethereal music]

WOMAN: Come, hurry!

Gorge yourselves!

Feast!

Pig out until you oink!

Eat, feed, devour!

I love to hear little children eating.

It makes me so, so--

oh!

Is it getting hot in here?

You just go ahead.

You eat as much as you like.

HANSEL: So good.

Here, have some.

[whip snaps]

Let's get the show on the road.

Somewhere, someone has an egg and a muffin

and a sausage on the grill, and I'm

ready to place an order, kids!

Kids?

Hansel?

Gretel!

Hansel?

Gretel?

Daglo?

Hansel?

Great.

I spend a whole night at work just to come

home to an empty forest.

OK.

Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

[distant twinkling]

Hello?

[loud twinkling]

[sandman vocalizing]

Well.

I thought I'd never say this, but thank you.

What are you doing here, and where are the kids?

Well, as soon as you checked out for the night shift,

it turned into a twister around here.

And I got separated from the kids,

and then I got trapped under this branch.

They still should be where I left them.

Well, well, they're not.

Let's get looking.

If anything happened to those children, I will--

Gretel?

Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

Gretel!

[man singing on tv]

SPEAKER [ON TV]: The benefits of laughter.

It's no secret that laughter makes you smile.

Well, guess what?

It also raises the levels of chemicals

that have a positive effect on your immune system.

So go ahead--

I asked for a lemon drop martini, shaken not stirred,

and with sugar all the way around the rim.

I finished the kitchen, the bedroom, and bathroom.

Upstairs and down?

TROLL: Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, darling dearest.

And the wire hangers?

TROLL: All gone.

Good.

Now, fix me something to eat.

[troll growls]

It's not fair.

I'm a ferocious troll.

This is my house.

What was that, my sweet?

No, nothing, darling dearest!

By the way, your card is way over the limit.

I think you'd better start thinking

about getting a real job.

We can't live on credit forever, now, can we?

[troll chuckles]

[troll weeping]

[children groaning]

My stomach's gonna explode.

Wafer thin mints?

No.

Full up.

We should be going.

Huh?

I just don't think I can move.

It's getting dark out.

Well, of course you must go.

But the forest is no place at night for two small children,

what with trolls and wolves, all manner of creatures out there,

roaming the cold, dark unknown.

But, you know best.

I could pack you a doggy bag.

Or what if you stayed here tonight, and in the morning

we'll have a big breakfast!

And then I'll take you to the edge of the forest.

We can have eggs and bacon, sausage, mushrooms,

French toast, the works.

But there's nowhere for us to sleep.

Nonsense, child.

Look.

[music playing]

OK.

But right after breakfast, we go.

Of course.

Goodnight, you delicious young things.

HANSEL: Goodnight.

Sleep well, with full tummies.

GRETEL: Goodnight.

And dream of a grand slam breakfast.

HANSEL: Remember, we eat, then we bust a move, OK?

GRETEL: OK.

[loud fart]

Hansel!

[eerie music]

[wolves howling]

Gretel?

Ha- Hansel?

Gretel?

Hansel?

Gretel?

They're gone.

Those poor kids, I let them down.

What if the witch has them?

Don't be silly.

They're probably at home right now, tucked up in bed.

No, they're not!

They're hopelessly lost and starving, and, and wondering

why I abandoned them.

I was supposed to help them, but I just

ended up making things worse.

Don't say that.

I just-- just--

I'm not a--

I'm not a mythic--

mythical archetype.

I'm just a-- just a fairy tale character.

And not very good one.

Kids don't like me.

I mean, have you ever met a kid that

actually wants to go to sleep?

Course not.

I hate myself.

I hate my job.

Sandman, it's nobody's fault.

Leave, leave me alone.

Don't.

Just go away into the forest, so I can be by myself.

Hansel!

Hansel, wake up.

Wake up!

What's happening?

I don't know, but I'm scared.

[wolf howling]

[eerie music]

Well, we are so out of here.

[crow cawing]

RAVEN: Uh, uh, uh.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

OK, keep on going.

I'm just trying to help.

Who is that?

Hey, kid, just leave the window alone, all right?

Get back in bed.

Go to sleep.

Old girl doesn't take too kindly to the main course

trying to make a run for it.

A talking raven.

Kid, you're in a magic forest.

Talking ravens?

We're a dime a dozen.

Don't leave.

The fun's just starting.

It tires me unnecessarily to have

to chase down my next meal.

You're not going to eat us?

Oh, yes, indeed I am.

The main course bratwurst.

But first, we have to supersize you a little bit.

Not as weak as I look, eh?

HANSEL: Hey!

Open the door!

Any funny business from you, and--

[wood snaps]

HANSEL: Gretel, help!

Let me out of here!

Come along.

Emeril, eat your heart out.

Bam!

OK, shorty.

Show us what you've got.

But no Tex-Mex-- gives me the most horrendous gas.

[woman farts]

RAVEN: Oh, you got that right!

Watch it!

I'm not against seeing raven on the menu.

All right, knock yourself out, chef.

Sandman!

Sandman.

where'd you go?

I've got something that--

there you are.

What are you doing?

Putting myself to sleep forever.

[magical twinkling]

Will you cut that out, you idiot?

I found them.

That's nice.

Nighty, night.

Will you wake up?

Did you hear what I said?

[MIMICKING CHILD VOICE] Is that you, mommy?

I said my prayers and I went potty, just like you told me.

And now it's sleepy time.

[sandman snoring]

Oh, that stinks!

That's-- I haven't smelled anything like

that since I pulled a finger.

What is that?

What is--

Eau de trollette.

Can I just say one thing?

Ew!

Will you listen?

I found Hansel and Gretel, but they're in trouble.

You found them?

Oh!

Oh, aye yi yi.

I'm sorry, I just, uh, I just--

did you say they're in trouble?

Yes!

And she cooks too.

Mm!

Good job.

Feeding time!

[light music]

[hansel burps]

[music playing]

[hansel burps]

[music playing]

[hansel burps]

[music playing]

[hansel burps]

[music playing]

[hansel burping]

[music playing]

[woman snoring]

[woman snorts]

[SLEEPILY] Put it in the oven and boil them.

[woman snoring]

Hansel, don't eat so much!

Oh my word, you must have put at least 60 pounds already!

Drizzled with sun blush tomato juice.

HANSEL: I can't help it!

It all tastes so good!

I never knew you were so talented.

Thank you.

I tried to blend old-fashioned recipes

with modern-day seasonings and Cordon bleu sensibilities.

What am I doing?

Once you're fat enough, it's--

HANSEL: Don't worry.

I've got a plan.

Like the rocks?

HANSEL: Trust me.

This one will work.

Hey!

Stop talking.

It burns too many calories.

Now, let me see your hand, here.

What's this?

What are you feeding him?

If this is some sort of low fat, high carb, wacky diet

you've got him on, this must change and fast.

I want twice the fat, twice the sugar, and three times

the helpings!

I'm hungry.

It's all the talk about food.

Can I get a cookie?

I'm just getting to the good part.

Wait for me, I'll be back in a flash.

Grab me one, too, OK?

[crashing thunder]

Lost my appetite.

Are you sure?

OK.

OK.

[crow caws]

Yo, cutie pie.

HANSEL: What do you want?

Yo, to stop by for a little chat.

HANSEL: Leave me alone.

Nice job fooling her with the chicken bone.

Be a shame if someone lets her in on the scam.

HANSEL: What do you mean?

Hey, kid, I'm family.

And family looks after each other.

I'm just offering you a little protection, that's all.

HANSEL: What?

Let's just say, pork chop, you give me something I want,

then I make sure our little secret stays between us.

Know what I mean?

HANSEL: Well, what can I give you?

Hey, I'm not exactly the best-fed bird in the hood.

And no matter how much you like them, worms day after day--

just nasty.

Trust me, fool.

HANSEL: So?

You're not getting the picture, are you, chunky?

Let me give some help.

From now on, I get 10% of everything you get.

I get to go worm-free, and you get a little extra time

before you make main course.

Everybody wins.

HANSEL: OK.

Listen up, boy.

You waltz on this deal, and the witch will

be the least of your problems.

You got it?

All right, banquet time, here we come!

Yeah.

Oh, man, this-- this is rabbit food!

What is this?

Honey butter glaze?

I remember asking for blackish Cajun.

Hello?

Oh, "Designing Women."

Oh, I love that show.

I know I've been a bad troll, but I'll change, I swear.

I've seen the errors of my ways.

Please, just, take her away.

[troll weeping]

HANSEL: Wild boar again?

Can't you make some pad Thai noodles or jambalaya?

How about some Kung Pao chicken with those crunchy noodles?

Oh, yeah.

Spicy.

HANSEL: Hey, and how about a grande decaf

double frappe ultra--

Yeah, with cinnamon sprinkles.

HANSEL: How about a glass of water?

Hey, jumbo.

The water?

Forget about it.

Witches hate water.

What?

You're telling me you haven't seen the Wizard of Oz?

Look, kid, I like you.

I'm gonna take you under my wing.

I got some inside information for you.

Little bird told me a secret about the old witch.

Oh, what?

What is it?

But I saw--

I think it'd be wise to forget what you saw.

Clean it up!

You sure it was this way?

Come on, we don't have much time.

Uh, please, I--

I just need a second to catch my breath.

OK, but just a second.

I need to talk to you about something.

I'm not actually a member of any faerie clan, and the stuff

that I said about you being voted off--

I don't mean it.

It's OK.

I, I deserved it.

I, uh, I was trying to be somebody I'm not.

What do you mean?

I mean, you're my hero.

I mean, look at you!

Here you are, leading us into horrible danger

and facing almost certain death, and not even thinking

of a thing about yourself?

Well, maybe we shouldn't just rush into this.

Maybe we should take some time, and come up with a strategy,

and then we could--

you know, that way we don't run in--

You are so funny.

[kiss smacks]

[high-pitch whistling]

[sandman laughing]

I'm a--

I'm a-- I'm funny.

I'm a funny guy.

I'm a kidder.

I'm always kidding.

I was a class clown.

I was always-- let's, let's, let's go.

Let's go get them.

Let's get them now!

Come on, wood faerie, let's go.

Where's the butterball?

Come over here, child.

Now!

Closer, closer.

Give me your hand.

HANSEL: Where's the chicken bone?

Oops!

Your hand.

Give it to me.

Oh, time for the fava beans and a nice Chianti.

[slurping]

GRETEL: Hansel?

WOMAN: Yummy, yummy for my tummy.

[woman laughing]

[alarm blaring]

You're beautiful, beauty.

When I saw this place, I wasn't interested.

But when I saw this, I knew.

I just had to have it.

[gretel screaming]

Children should be eaten and not heard.

Well, I guess it's party time.

Beets.

Onions.

HANSEL: Gretel, can't you see in the mirror?

She's a witch!

You gotta do something!

Don't let her eat me.

Look on the wall behind me.

Grab the mirror.

OK, now smash it!

Come on, Gretel, quick!

Smash it, smash it!

You did it, Gretel!

Now, get me out.

Hang on tight, kids.

It's going to be a bumpy ride.

What do you mean?

I destroyed her!

Ugh, no!

You just destroyed her glamour.

Her what?

My disguise.

Ha ha!

Well, now that I'm dressed for dinner,

perhaps we should skip the appetizers

and move straight to the main course.

Get that pot over to the oven, girly.

I'll fetch the piglet.

[slurping]

Where are you, juicy boy?

HANSEL: Get away from me, you nasty old hag!

I don't wanna get eaten.

Come on, Gretel!

Get me outta here!

Think of something, quick!

Miss Witch, Miss Witch?

What is it?

I think we have a problem.

What?

What is It?

He's too big.

He won't fit in the pot.

Oh, nonsense.

It's the biggest cauldron made!

I don't think so.

You have to be so stupid to get a big enough pot

to go in the oven.

Really?

Oh, wait just a minute.

I see what you are doing.

Back it up, girly.

But I wouldn't--

Oh, yes, sure.

And bears don't show up on my father's doorstep.

But--

Back off!

Back it up!

Back, ba-- I said back, back!

I said back it up!

[witch hissing]

See?

Perfect fit.

And quite comfy too.

Certainly is.

Hang on tight!

[gretel laughing]

Bam!

Sandman!

Wood faerie!

But it's nighttime.

How can you be here?

I, uh, delegated.

Or--

Not a word to anyone, kid.

Lights out.

OK, everybody, let's go!

I'm with you.

Let's get out of here.

[crow cawing]

Nice shorts.

Not so fast, my pretty.

[gretel screaming]

Get out!

Then what?

She's right.

We must stand together.

HANSEL: Gretel, witches hate water!

The raven told me.

Uh, the wands.

Give me the wands.

You ready?

Kick the bucket, Sandman!

Oh no!

Not the water!

Oh-ya!

[splash]

First, a house falls on my sister, and now this!

[witch screaming]

Pretty good.

Wood faerie, take Gretel, get her out.

I'll take care of Hansel.

OK.

Hey, Hansel?

OK, hey-- um, come on, Hansel.

HANSEL: I can't move.

I'm too fat.

Uh, not a problem.

All right, OK.

We're on a roll, and--

[bowling pins falling over]

Strike!

You OK, Hansel? - You OK?

- OK, buddy. - Come on.

Help you up.

Hansel?

Gretel, is that you?

Father!

Father!

Is that really you?

Ah.

Father.

Hansel, what happened?

Oh, father.

We had this terrible adventure, we did.

Stepmother, she took us into the forest to lose us,

and we were trapped by a troll--

And this evil witch came and, and tried to eat Hansel.

But Sandman and wood faerie saved us.

Ahh.

It's true, father!

It's all really true.

Of course it is, Gretel.

Tell him!

Tell him it's all true.

But, it, uh, it won't make a difference.

He can't see us.

No, no grown ups can see us.

We are just, uh, um--

Gretel, are you all right?

Ah, well, you two, come.

Let's go.

I've been looking for you for days, worried sick.

Let's go home.

BOTH: What about stepmother?

Uh--

[troll weeping]

What on earth are you doing?

And where have you been?

There is a sink full of dishes that needs washing.

What are you doing?

Something I should have done a long time ago, darling dearest.

Oh, don't you darling dearest me.

I've been sitting in there all day

without a thing to eat or drink.

I could pass out at any moment.

I have low blood sugar.

[troll grunts]

Don't point your finger at me.

I said, don't point your finger at me!

Excuse me, love birds.

I just need this.

Thank you!

No!

My locket!

Oh!

Oh, my ticket to the good life!

Troll, do something!

What?

What do you want me to do?

Out of my way!

Come back, you gold digger!

Please don't go.

Come back!

Bye-bye, darling dearest.

[troll laughing]

Well, I don't think there will be anybody else.

At least, not right away.

But I have my daughter and my son back, and that is enough,

yeah?

Well, it'll have to be.

We have no money.

Ah, but we will manage.

RAVEN: Heads up!

It's mother's locket!

[crow caws]

Oh, thank you!

No, thank you.

Consider it payment for smoking the old witch.

[wind whooshing]

I have you now.

[witch cackling]

I'll be back!

Will I ever see you again?

In your dreams.

Go ahead.

Can we go home now?

Now we can go home.

Come.

"And they all lived happily ever after.

The end."

ANDREW: That was a pretty cool story, dad.

Yeah, I liked it too, honey.

Gretel was brave, wasn't she?

She was very brave.

OK, you two.

Time to sleep.

Goodnight, dad.

Goodnight, buddy.

There you go.

OK.

Daddy?

Hm?

You can turn the light out.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, you two.

Sleep tight, sweet dreams.

Always remember your father loves you,

and your mother would be very proud.

Trolls?

The Boogeyman?

Sandman?

Give me a break.

I liked it.

You are so six years old.

[shutters banging]

Hello.

I just, um, excuse me.

I just-- oh!

Let me just, oh!

There it is.

Just came back for this, because somebody must have dropped it.

All right. Well, that's--

Sorry.

I see fairy tale people.

You know, the witch wanted to come along,

and then I, I thought, bad idea.

WITCH: I heard that!

Oh, shut up, you old witch!

You're all real.

Duh, of course we are.

Where do you think the Grimm boys got their stories?

Wait a sec, you didn't think they

just made them up, did you?

You mean to tell me that you actually

knew the Grimm brothers?

Yeah, both sets.

You betcha.

Well, obviously, we were a lot younger back then.

And the troll even-- he had hair.

It's true.

I did.

Ha ha ha. Look at that.

That's me.

[troll laughing]

I mean, those guys got all their ideas from us,

and we never saw a penny.

No story rights, no international sales,

merchandising, nada.

Zippo.

Nothing.

Come off it.

They're fairy tales, made-up stories

to keep children in line.

Nobody actually believes that stuff.

All right, then.

Sleep on it.

Are you ready?

Will you come back tomorrow night?

Every night.

[twinkling]

OK, boys.

And that goes for everyone else too.

Nighty night.

Not!

Oh!

Well, talk about your fixer upper.

Well, you know what they say.

Location, location, location.

[creatures howling]

[clock chimes]

[witch cackling]

[music playing]