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[Sign creaking]

How long has it been?

April 13, 2009.

No way. You sure?

Well, I can't be 100% sure

since I don't know what you're talking about.

Wanda, has it been that long?

Oh, at least.

We're talking about the last time you took a shower, right?

No. That was Tuesday.

Uh, no, Monday.

No, I was asking how long it's been

since anything exciting's happened around here.

Well, that guy came through town a couple of months ago

wearing a tuxedo,

on his way to a wedding or a funeral or something.

It was probably a wedding.

I mean, you don't wear a top hat to a funeral.

I don't know.

I mean, if you didn't like the guy,

you might pull out all the stops.

Nothing exciting ever happens around here.

Open the till and put the money in a bag!

- Money! Now! - O-Okay, okay.

Did you bring your own bag?

Otherwise, I got to charge you a nickel.

Well, how would it be if I blow your head off

and charge you 50 cents for the shell?

Well, that's not a fair comparison at all.

- Whoa! - [ Gunshot]

Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!

- Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! - Aah!

Where did you learn how to do that?

Oh, I've only seen every Jean-Claude Van Damme movie

like a hundred thousand times.

- I'm more of a Jackie Chan... - [ Gunshot]

Aah!

- Brent! - [Laughs]

Never bring just one gun to a robbery.

Okay. No more violence.

Aah!

Wanda, are you okay?

I knew it!

You... should not... have done that.

Yeah, fry him, Wanda!

Aaaah!

Brent, Wanda's a...

[Motor whirring]

You're a robot, too?

No, you idiot. I'm just bionic.

[ Roars]

Wolf man!

Finally get to see a robot fight a werewolf.

Baggage... for... Flight...687.

Baggage... for Flight 687.

WOMAN: ...will be dispensed on carousel two.

Baggage for Flight 687 will be dispensed...

G "[ Roar] [ asps] Laser fur!

Are you Hank Yarbo?

Oh. Are you...

newspaper lady?

Tina Fuller. The National Star.

Oh, hey.

- Hank Yarbo. - Yes.

- We established that. - Oh, yeah, right.

Shall we?

Oh, yeah.

[ "Not a Lot Goin' On" plays]

You can tell me that your dog ran away

Then tell me that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard everything you say

You think there's not a lot goin' on

But look closer, baby, you're so wrong

I roll my eyes back into my happy place

I'm always gonna need this sense of space

And in the amber wave under a rolling cloud

I can't hear what you say 'cause you're talking so loud

How many times you gonna get me wrong?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You think there's not a lot goin' on

Well, this must be pretty exciting for you, huh?

Traveling around the country,

judging the "Quaintest Town in Canada" contest.

It's my lifelong dream.

Yeah? Oh.

Well, none of them can be as quaint as Dog River.

I've been here my whole life.

- It's awesome. - [ Camera shutter clicks]

With the rain, you could get lightning on you

Strikes twice

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around you

There's not a lot goin' on

You think there's not a lot goin' on

That's not a very welcoming sight.

[Camera shutter clicks]

[indistinct shouting]

MAN: Oh, my God, no!

Oh, my God! Shouldn't we help him?

WOMAN: Get him!

WANDA: Hey, you better get out of my face!

Do you have any idea who you're dealing with?

[Camera shutter clicking]

Ow!

[Man screaming]

Oh, that's new.

[People screaming]

But, you know [Chuckles] sometimes accidents happen.

This is insane!

I don't know what you people consider quaint, but this is...

- Aaah! - Whoa!

Crap.

- Who was that? - That was Brent Leroy.

He used to be my best friend.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh. Well, it wasn't always like this.

It all started not so long ago.

Are you gonna tell me the story or...

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah.

It all started not so long ago.

[ Electricity crackles]

- Why does it keep doing that? - I don't know.

It's not the bulbs because, electrically...

I don't know.

Does anyone know why the power keeps going out?

- It's complicated. - You don't know.

I don't know.

[ Electricity crackles]

Or do I?

Hey. Have you guys seen this article in the National Star?

"Canada's Quaintest Community."

Don't you think Dog River should be in this?

Yeah, maybe. You should enter us.

Well, obviously, I can't enter us the way the town is now.

The grass hasn't been mowed. Garbage is piling up.

So don't enter us. Problem solved.

No, but it comes with a $75,000 prize.

And think about the tourist benefits.

You guys, this town is falling apart,

and nobody's doing anything about it.

Fitzy's gonna get an earful at the town meeting today.

Town meeting?

Honestly, can we go two minutes

without some idiot calling a town meeting?

What is it this time?

Is it the triangle manhole covers again?

Because what does that even solve?

Stop complaining.

You and I are local businesspeople.

We need to be there, and you need to pay attention, Brent.

No comic books.

Fine. Then you can't wear any stylish, contemporary...

You're hard to insult.

[Clanking]

[Water shuts off]

Oscar!

What?! I'm watching "Survivin' with lvan."

ANNOUNCER: "Survivin' With Ivan."

After you sharpen branch into razor point,

you can harden it in the fire to make deadly weapon.

Why don't you get your butt off the couch and go fix something?

The water and the power are broke all over town.

And I fixed the car.

It broke again while I was fixing it.

We need a new one.

No, what we need is someone to fix the car

who knows what they're doing.

That's a direct insult to my masculinity.

I know how to fix stuff.

I just learned how to make a deadly weapon out of a stick.

If that idiot already has a 10-inch bowie knife,

why does he need a pointy stick?

Okay, 3, 2, fire!

[Laughs] You were too low.

- You didn't allow for droppage. - Droppage?

Droppage. Gravity, whatever.

Yeah, I think gravity's the one that caught on.

Anyway, shouldn't we be out on patrol?

Nope. Fitzy says we're using too much fuel.

I think it's to save the ozone. Or is it polar bears?

He)', guys.

Fitzy, how can we do our job if we can't patrol the town'?

Watch out the window.

Listen, I just popped in

to say a quick congratulations to Davis.

25 years of service with the D.R.P.D.

I wanted to get you a cake and champagne but... didn't.

Anyway, enjoy your retirement.

- Thanks. - KAREN: Whoa!

- Davis is retiring? - Who's retiring?

Yeah. When you signed your last contract,

you ticked the box for a 25-year term,

with the town having the option to renew it at the time.

Which is now. Which is no.

So you're gonna just kick him to the curb

after like a zillion years of hard work?

Not a zillion, 25.

And I don't want to retire.

I'd love to keep you on, but times are really tough.

Anyways, I've got to be somewhere.

[ Door opens, closes]

Man, I cannot wait for this thing to be over.

Not me. I love town meetings.

Full of opportunities.

People debate. Decisions get made.

New rules get... made.

A sharp guy can see the angles and make a few bucks.

Yeah, sharp guy'? Why don't you pay your tab'?

Okay. Let's just all pipe down, all right?

Don't draw attention.

No questions, no comments.

Everybody just zip up and lay low

so this thing can wrap up ASAP.

"ASAP"? What are you, from the '80s?

My formative years, yes.

Is it hot in here?

I'm always too hot.

Except when I'm too cold. Sometimes I'm both.

Plus pukey.

Must be tough on your husband.

Window open, window closed. Pukey, not pukey.

He's stationed on the coast of the Mediterranean.

I'm pregnant in Dog River, so it's tough on one of us.

MYRTLE: My seventh grandchild.

Good for you.

MYRTLE: Isn't he adorable?

They grow up so fast.

Some more than others.

MYRTLE: Don't worry. You'll be a grandparent one day, too.

Brent will find someone sooner or later.

I mean, if his father could...

[Baby cooing]

Ah.

Whoo.

[Baby cooing]

Hey, where's Fitzy?

He calls a town meeting and then he doesn't show?

Yep, we may as well wrap this up.

Good work, everybody.

Fitzy didn't call the meeting. I did.

You did? Oh. Well... good.

It's about time somebody called one of these things.

I called this meeting today

because I think I speak for everyone

when I say there are some major concerns

with how this town is just falling apart.

That's for sure. Absolutely.

The power, the water.

Garbage is just piling up.

You know, and Dog River could be really quaint.

I mean, maybe even one of the quaintest towns in Canada

if we really pulled it together.

What do you think?

[Slurping]

Oh. Anyway, I have this idea.

WANDA: Lacey's right. Where's Fitzy?

OSCAR: Yeah! Where's Fitzy?!

There he is. Hey! Fitzy!

Let me get this straight.

You invested the town's money in real estate...

in Detroit?

It was really cheap.

I didn't think it could get any cheaper.

It can, by the way.

How much did we lose?

Somewhere in the neighborhood of... all of it.

- MAN: What? - Everything?!

That explains the water and the power, then.

I've been using the contingency fund to keep the power on.

But that's all gone.

And the water pump is on its last legs.

So how much debt are we talking about?

Ballpark? A hell of a lot.

It shouldn't be that much for a stupid ballpark!

Oh, sit down and play with your stick.

This is insane. We didn't even have the money to begin with.

[ Indistinct conversations]

Whoa, whoa! Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So what happens now?

Well, we really only have two choices here.

One, we unincorporate the town,

and Dog River basically disappears.

Or...

three dusty boots in a row, and we're back in business.

I got a couple of dusty boots for ya!

- Aah. - [ Grunting]

And you wonder why I don't like town meetings.

This isn't good.

That's what you get for ordering clam chowder in the prairies.

Not the soup. The situation.

If we have to leave, it'll be far away from our only son

and his future wife and our beautiful grandchildren.

What grandchildren? We're not going anywhere.

We're staying here and living off the land,

like our ancestors.

Your grandfather died in a go-kart accident.

Oh, Brent, talk some sense into your father.

I don't think there's enough words.

We might have to move and sell the house

while there's still value in it.

He wants to stay, do nothing.

Not do nothing. Fish with a spear.

Well, for what it's worth...

- Aargh! - What's the matter?

It's just a shock to the system whenever I agree with Dad.

Okay, listen, everyone!

I just got off the phone with Brian Rainville.

He's a plumber in the city.

He gave me a quote to fix the water pump.

Now, it isn't cheap, but if we all pitched in, then...

[All groaning]

A few hundred dollars each to have clean running water

is too much to ask?

Listen, people, this town is gonna be nonexistent

if we don't do something.

No, I think we'll probably be okay.

The key is not to panic and overreact.

Ah, screw hiring someone.

We have to learn to fend for ourselves.

I'm pretty handy with a wrench.

Unless he tries to use it as a wrench.

Are you questioning my abilities?

No, Dad, when it comes to your abilities,

none of us has any question.

Sure, laugh it up.

You won't be so smart when the Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse

come riding down Main Street.

Oh, come on!

We all have to pull together, people!

Anybody like to volunteer to mow public spaces?

Unbelievable, these people.

Davis, I don't know if anyone explained to you

what "retired" means, but you get to not be here anymore.

I just came by to pick up a few of my things.

Besides, I'm not really retired with no pension.

Now I've got to find another job.

Like what?

I don't know.

I thought maybe we could, uh, put our feet up and kick back,

and you can help me think this through.

Sorry. I've got a family to support now.

If Dog River shuts down,

I'm gonna have to get a cop job somewhere else.

And no one is gonna hire me if my ticket quotas are so low.

So no more games, naps, or matinee movie days.

There it is. [ Blows]

But I brought ice cream.

I can't stand around here eating ice cream.

[Rock music plays]

Ugh. What are they feeding you?

Man, people are losing their marbles after that town meeting.

Well, people fear what they don't understand.

You must be perpetually terrified.

We entrepreneurs always say that,

"When a door opens, it's time to close a window...

of opportunity."

I got a ton of ideas on how to capitalize on this,

and with my brains and your money, we can't miss.

Yeah, but you don't have my money.

Or much of the other stuff.

Wheels are turning.

Like, we could set up a pipeline,

you know, like for oil, but for water, from a place with water,

and so then we would have the water,

and we'd be the ones charging for that water.

And that's just one idea.

That's not an idea.

That's just you saying the word "water" 12 times.

Now I got to pee.

[ Drawer closes]

So, you're telling me you're not gonna invest in my ideas?

You come up with an actual idea, I'm all over it.

Hey, here's an idea.

Why don't you fix the leak in your truck?

Then you won't have to keep buying this oil.

Oh, uh... I'll get you.

Hey, I hope you don't mind me taking these boxes.

I'm taking them anyways. Just hope you don't mind.

- What do you need all these for? - To pack for my move.

Move?

Don't tell me you're buying into this "Dog River is dying" crap.

Oh, I didn't make this decision lightly.

But I got to think about my kid

and scrounging up the deposit for his tuition.

My cousin says I can stay with her for a while,

so that'll help.

She'll even get me a job at her dry-cleaning shop.

Well, look, I'll... I'll give you a raise.

25... no, 30 cents an hour, every hour.

Ooh, that's a generous offer.

Actually, it's pathetic, but it's heartfelt.

Well...

Well, you can't have these.

They have red licorice in the city.

Maybe, maybe not.

Soup, sandwich, and a coffee?

Every day?

Oh, come on, Mike, you're hauling garbage, not plutonium.

Lookit, we all have to do our...

Oh, is that the way it's gonna be?

Fine! You suck, Mike!

What about you?

You want to haul garbage?

Oh, no. Been there, done that.

I'm focusing my energies on moneymaking ideas,

you know, big ideas, like a... petting zoo.

Huh? Or a dude ranch.

Or maybe a zoo where you pet dudes.

You know, I... I think that that's more of a big-city idea.

[ Electricity crackles]

Oh, come on. No.

Eh, I'd like to help you out,

but I can't housesit for you, especially with the power out.

The power is out, isn't it?

You're not... coming on to me, are you?

I need to get out of town, clear my head.

And don't worry about the power being out.

I got a couple gas generators out back.

One of them's already juicing my garage.

Watch this.

Might as well go for a soda, nobody hurts

WANDA: This is a garage?

It's like Frank Sinatra's rumpus room.

It's my man cave.

Did all the work myself. I even soundproofed it.

Watch this.

Help! Zombies are eating my brains!

H e-e-e-e-e...

. . e-e-e-e-l p!

Impressive and creepy.

Oh, wow, I would really like to help you out, but it's just...

Ah, it's just, uh...

- I'll pay you. - There you go.

You know, it's like pulling teeth

to get anybody to help out.

The power's out,

and then some lunatic vandalized the water pump.

Stupid wrench!

[Grunting]

At least it sort of worked before.

Now it's completely ruined.

Well, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem.

Nope. They're bad. Real bad.

I mean, sure, the town will flop around,

gasping for air like a fish on a flat rock, but eventually...

[Gasps]

Thanks, Little Miss Sunshine.

Whoa.

[ Indistinct conversations]

What the hell?

This is a... a joke, right?

Phil's probably hiding and laughing somewhere.

Right, Phil? Phil?

We can do without power and water.

But booze? This just got real.

That's it. That's the last straw.

BRENT: Lacey!

Lacey, wait.

WANDA: Hang on!

I know a place we can drink.

Might as well go for a soda

One rye and ginger. 4 bucks.

Here's $5.

- Keep the change. - I intend to.

[ Door closes]

- BRENT: Hey. - Hey.

Uh...

Look, I know things seem kind of bad right now,

but everything will work out.

- It always does. - No, it doesn't, Brent.

I know you have this Zen, Buddhist,

Winnie the Pooh

kind of "look the other way and Freddy Krueger can't hurt you"

type of philosophy.

And it is really very charming.

But sometimes charming isn't enough.

You know, no one is lifting a finger to save this town,

and I don't know what to do.

And I feel like I just don't have any other choice

but to start looking...

in other places to open a diner.

You mean like other towns?

You mean move?

What choice is there?

Lookit, can you, um, just blow out the candles when you leave?

[ Door opens, closes]

[Flies buzzing]

What are you doing?

Looks like trespassing.

At ease, Copzilla.

I'm just cleaning off the steps of my bar.

What the hell you talking about, "your bar"?

Be quiet. Let him explain.

What the hell are you talking about, "your bar"?

This old hotel bar has been part of Dog River

since long before I was born.

Doesn't seem right to just let it die now, so...

I bought it.

But you usually...

I usually sit these things out. I know.

Mainly because I've spent my entire life

watching you people turn molehills into mountains,

and I was hoping

that this was just another one of those things.

But it's not.

And sometimes in this life,

you have to pull yourself up off your can

and do what needs to be done.

Especially once you realize what's really important.

Well, Brent, I think we're all deeply touched

by how important booze is to you.

No! The... The bar is a metaphor...

You're missing the...

Look, I bought the bar because I love this stupid town.

And I love the life we have here,

and I, for one, think it's worth fighting for.

- Attaboy, Brent! - [ Applause ]

WOMAN: Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's why I also entered us

into the "Quaintest Town in Canada" contest.

What the hell is that?

It's a contest to find the quaintest town in...

It's pretty self-explanatory.

Plus, it has a $75,000 cash award.

We need that money to pay off our debt

and to fix the water pump.

Lacey, we could really use your help to "quainterize" the town,

if that's a word.

And if you're still willing to help us.

No.

No?

"Quainterize" isn't a word.

But, yes, I still want to save this town.

- Come up here. - Okay.

Okay, everybody, we only have two weeks to pull this off,

so I'm gonna need a lot of people to volunteer

to form a Quaintification Committee.

Oh, like that's a word.

Oh, wait a minute.

Yesterday, you were all doom and gloom,

and now you're joining some committee?

EMMA: Well, look at him.

Brent is taking responsibility for the first time in his life.

We have to support him.

- We? - Yes, we.

But today we get to smile about it

Wow.

There is serious money to be made

in this "town going to hell" business.

Waste of time.

Our chances are slim.

Well, slim's better than none, thanks to this man right here.

Why? What did Slim do?

He stepped up and bought the bar.

What the f... Whoa.

That's a little bit hasty, don't you think?

What do you care? I thought you were planning on leaving.

What kind of person would I be

if I just up and abandoned this town when it is ripe...

rife with troubles.

You're sticking around?

Oh, Wanda, this is awesome.

This place wouldn't be the same without you.

PM.

Hey, could you clean the coolers?

- What? - BRENT: I'm gonna need you

to run things around here if I'm gonna fix up the bar.

Now, we're gonna need a lot of materials...

paint, brushes, garden supplies.

Whatever we can't find we'll have to buy.

Bah! First the politicians rob us blind

with their Fonzie schemes,

then you come up with some harebrained idea

that has us throwing good money after bad!

Oscar, what bad money? No one's put any money in.

Oscar, if you're not gonna help, go away and sharpen a stick.

Oh, I'll do more than sharpen a stick.

I've got survival preppin' to do!

Oh, dear. Emma, are you gonna be okay without Oscar here?

[ Laughter]

I'm sorry! I-I couldn't resist.

- That's a good one. - Okay, let's get quaintin'.

Sunny days

Oh, sunny, sunny, sunny days

Ain't nothing better in the world, you know

Than lyin' in the sun with your radio

Da da-da da-da da da da

Yes, yes, I know we owe the power company money,

and we have a detailed plan to pay you back.

But our plan requires us to have the power on first.

Yep, that's what we in the business call "a real pickle."

LACEY: Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, I'm just wondering if we can apply

for a stay from our debt

just long enough for us to implement our plan?

DEBBIE: Can't apply for a stay over the phone.

Application has to be in writing.

Then there's the review process and... blah, blah, blah.

Whoa! Did you actually just say, "Blah, blah, blah"?

Not very professional.

And not paying your power bill is?

Thanks for calling.

[Sighs]

You know, for a guy on vacation, you don't look very happy.

Work getting you down? [ Laughing ]

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but...

- shut your face. - Well.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that.

I'm just going through stuff.

So I just came out here

to catch the biggest fish in Lake Kalawonka.

That's Katatonka.

Whatever.

Katatonka was a legendary warrior

who died on the shores of this lake in 1817.

No one knows how he died 'cause no one was with him,

and there was no wounds on his body.

Some say the spirit bear came and devoured his soul.

Others say a great eagle swooped down,

and with his mighty talons, he...

He probably had a heart attack.

Geez, you might be onto something there.

Legend also has it that he ate a lot of red meat.

Huh. We never thought of that.

Say, you're pretty good at solving mysteries.

What is it you say you did back home?

It's not what I did.

It's what I'm gonna do.

Whoa, whoa!

Can you... take me back in to shore, please?

Uh... gladly.

I hereby declare the bar officially reopened.

[Cheers and applause]

The candles are a nice touch. Classy.

Well, the power's out.

Classy and practical.

I got some big news, too, but I'll tell you later.

Don't want to steal your thunder.

Hey, Mr. Big Shot Bar Owner, the place looks great.

Thanks. It was a lot of work.

Mostly cleaning up mouse poop.

An alarming amount of it, actually.

You know, I never really mentioned this earlier,

but I think it is really amazing

how you manned up and bought this place.

Well, thank you,

even though I do find the term "manned up" to be a tad sexist.

Deal with it, dollface.

It's so obvious.

Of course it is. What is?

Brent and Lacey. They should be a couple.

If Brent wasn't so thick,

he'd see that Lacey wants to meet someone,

get married, have grandchildren.

I mean children.

You really seem to be enjoying this.

Yeah, I am. Owning a bar is kind of fun.

It's just like Ted Danson always led me to believe.

[Chuckles]

I kind of thought there'd be more people here tonight.

Let's play truth or dare now

We can roll around in our underwear

Hey, I like your T-shirt.

Oh, thanks.

I have my own iron-on kit at home,

so I can make all kinds of custom shirts.

You know, whatever you guys want... for a price.

He was just saying it's a cool shirt.

Yeah, well, my eyes are up here, you pervo.

The game on?

Sorry I'm late, boys.

Hey, nice T-shirt.

Oh! Oh, you boys! [Giggling]

Everyone, drink up!

The night is young!

Let's be friends forever

Hey! Hey, hey! What... What are you doing here?

I thought you were on a fishing trip.

I came back early. What's going on'?

It's a surprise welcome-home party!

- Really? - Surprise!

Welcome home!

Oh, you guys.

But I cut my trip short. How did you...

So, did you catch any fish?

Better yet, I caught an epiphany.

Is that some kind of trout?

DAVIS: No, it's my new job!

See, I take the skills I learned as a cop,

and I become a private detective.

Good for you.

Yeah, I'm gonna sell the house, and I'm gonna move to the city.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! You don't want to do that.

There's plenty of detectiving to do right here.

In Dog River? There's no secrets here.

Everyone knows everyone's business.

There's a million mysteries.

Like, where's Phil?

You need to find him.

My first case.

Go now before the trail gets cold!

All right!

Okay. So the cleanup is finished.

And now we are going to move on to the decorating stage.

Emma's out buying some plants,

and as you can see, I've made some sketches here.

I think that we should...

Maybe we could put up some of those funny plywood silhouettes.

Oh, like the ones that look like someone's bum

bending over in the garden.

What is with you people and plywood?

Bums, cowboys, butterflies?

No. I'm sorry. No plywood.

I think they're cute.

Well, you're mistaken.

Lookit. All of the design sketches are here.

The flowchart is here.

We have a very short window to pull this off,

and I hate to say it,

but it just has to be my way or the highway.

That doesn't sound like you hate saying it.

[Bell dings]

LACEY: Hey, you want to doodle, do it in a notebook.

Napkins cost money.

Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.

Always worrying about the pennies.

And that is why I have more pennies than you.

Yeah, well, not for long.

I'm in the meeting phase of my get-rich idea.

It's gonna pull this town out of the dumps.

I happen to have set up a little meeting

with a rep from Goff-Nuts.

Goff-Nuts'? No.

The Goff-Nuts?

We got coffee

We got doughnuts, sugar and caffeine

Let's all go nuts!

Yeah, I'm gonna open a franchise.

LACEY: Hank, are you insane?

In case you hadn't noticed, I sell coffee and doughnuts.

You sell more sandwiches and soups.

We got soup, sandwiches for your whole group

Mind you, so do they.

Oh, well. Competition's healthy.

I saw that on "BizWeek."

You'll do well.

- Me and Brent'll do well. - Brent?

Brent's just the silent investor.

Oh, he is, is he?

[Grumbles] Hey!

Brent! Listen, Hank just told me all about

you two opening a Goff-Nuts.

How could you, Brent?

You think this is funny?

Well, I think it's funny that after all the years

of knowing Hank, you'd still get upset

about something that tumbled out of his head.

Oh.

Oh, God. So he's not...

Rational? No.

I think I may have said something like,

"if you have a good idea, I'll get behind it."

But, Brent, he said that a rep from the company

is coming here today.

He also says he's building a rocket in his garage.

Right.

Relax. I will never, ever, ever invest in a Goff-Nuts.

And to show your gratitude, you can finish up for me here.

I got a ton of stuff I got to do at the bar.

Can you check the oil?

Huh?

No. [Chuckles] Can you?

JEROME: I'm glad you called, Hank.

I can see a lot of community pride here.

It's a cute little town.

HANK: Oh, thanks.

Uh, we were shooting for "quaint,"

so I guess we're not quite there yet.

Or did we overshoot? Is cute better than quaint?

All I know is, it's a good fit for the Goff-Nuts family.

So, really, all we need to discuss now

is the, uh... the franchise fee.

Franchise fee?

I thought we just opened up and sold doughnuts.

No, a fee is standard. Is that a problem?

Oh, no. I got my financial guy all lined up.

- Cute, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Maybe I should talk to somebody about that.

We might be going in the wrong direction.

[Horse whinnies]

OSCAR: Oh, there we go.

Oh! Hello, my pet!

Or should I say one of my pets.

What the hell have you done now?

I had a little chat with Jeff Collins at the bar.

We swung a deal.

Go back and unswing it. And get rid of that horse.

Not likely.

That's the deal of the century, maybe even the decade.

Who trades a healthy horse for a broken-down car?

- You traded the car? - OSCAR: Horses don't break down.

They run on grass and poop out fertilizer...

to make more grass.

It's the circle of life. It's survival 101.

How am I gonna get around, buy groceries?

Don't you see what's hooked up to his ass?

You may as well accept that, Emma.

You can't stand in the way of progress.

Only you would think that buying a horse and buggy was progress.

A private investigator?

In Dog River?

There are no secrets in small towns.

There are a million mysteries out there.

There's 500 people in town.

That's 2,000 mysteries per person.

I'm not a mathematician.

I'm a private eye, and you, you're jealous.

Jealous?

Yeah. 'Cause I get to solve crimes, too.

And I'm not bound by any rules,

and I don't have to wear some dorky uniform.

What do you think?

Too much?

Depends. Trying to look stupid?

Why rent an office in the basement of the police station?

'Cause a detective's office has to be dark and dingy

to add credibility.

That's why I can't work at home. Wanda explained it all to me.

KAREN: Whatever.

Oh, um, by the way, you're parked illegally.

There's a ticket on your windshield.

[ Laughter]

MAN: Oh, you should've seen this guy.

Hey, Brent, can we get another round of beer here, please?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll be right there.

Thank you, sir. It was. It was crazy.

Hey.

Sorry. I overreacted to Hank's thing earlier.

I want to make it up to you.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Oh, unless you want to run and get me a chili-cheese dog?

Because I've been so busy around here doing everything,

I haven't had a chance to... Whoa.

- How did you know? - Seriously?

Oh, you are awesome.

I've been so busy trying to fix up this dump,

I haven't had a chance to eat.

There's loose floorboards.

There's torn carpet. There's busted hinges.

- Did I mention the mouse poop? - Yeah.

I'm starting to see why Phil sold this place.

Whatever happened to Phil, anyway?

DAVIS: I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

Since when do you smoke?

And since when do you think you can do it in here?

Detectives always have a...

[Sighing ] Fine.

I was able to track Phil down.

It wasn't easy, but when you've been at this as long as I have,

you develop a nose like a bloodhound.

You pick up things others would miss.

Gord said you're looking for me.

He figured the town was toast,

so he's pursuing his lifelong dream of being a lifeguard.

Like on "Baywatch"?

Exactly!

If "Baywatch" took place at a public pool in Moose Jaw.

Anyway, case solved.

Now there's just the small matter of my fee.

But we didn't hire you.

Did anyone hire you?

Not as such, no.

That would be the "biz" part of the detective biz.

KAREN: Oh, it's "food" and "market."

I never picked up on that.

I'm attaching all the letters so it looks quaint.

KAREN: I still think "Foo Mart" is cooler.

Anyway, here's your ticket.

Your, uh, "K" is blocking the sidewalk.

[Horse whinnies]

Pretty horse! You have a horse.

I love horses.

When I was a little girl,

I always wanted one so I could brush it and feed it carrots.

Well, Scope's no little Sally Handbag

you can play dress-up with.

Scope? May as well call him "Listerine."

You should name him Socks or Snowflake.

All cool horses are named after gun parts.

There's... There's Trigger and... others.

Whose farm you keeping him at?

I'm keeping him in our garage.

What are you feeding him?

Table scraps, mostly.

That could make him sick.

But he eats grass, too.

That's like mowing,

which we need to do for this quaint business.

- What you're doing is illegal. - [ Scoffs]

[Horse farts]

Oh, that's just nature.

You can't give a ticket to Mother Nature.

You're right. No ticket.

I'm confiscating him.

OSCAR: What?!

Come on, Socks. Let's go get you a carrot.

You can't... You can't take my horse!

I have rights! He has rights!

If the government outlaws horses,

only outlaws will have horses!

His name is Scope!

Lacey.

Oh. Hi, Emma.

I just want to let you know

what a great job you're doing on the Quainting Committee.

Why don't you come to dinner on Tuesday night?

Oh, Emma, that would be nice.

Brent will be there. It'll be a "family" dinner.

Why did you put little quotation marks

- around the word "family"? - Because you are "family."

Will 7300 be all right?

Well, 7300 is "fine."

All right. I'll see you then.

- Thank you, sir. - Yeah. No problem.

Hey, barkeep.

Your lunch is on the counter.

And, um, dinner will be at 7:00 on Tuesday.

And wear something nice.

Lunch?

Double-lunch day!

Psst! Pal.

You know that big news I was gonna tell you about?

You want to bring a Goff-Nuts to Dog River.

I want to bring a...

Oh. Word's out, huh?

Damn WikiLeaks.

Anyway, I'm gonna need that cash you promised

for the franchise fee.

Well, first of all, I never promised you any cash.

Second of all, no.

Thirdly, you're living in a dream world.

And fourthly, no.

You said you'd invest if I had an idea.

And now, just like that,

you come up with four reasons not to?

You've got to tell me what the idea is first.

I'm not going to invest in something

that's gonna jeopardize Lacey's business.

It's competition. It's good.

Doesn't anyone watch "BizWeek"?

I need this money, Brent.

I made plans because you said I could have it.

Forget it. It's not gonna happen.

You know what this is? Betrayal.

A broken vow amongst friends.

- Former friends! - Here we go.

HANK: Ladies and gentlemen,

Brent Leroy and I are no longer friends.

I will never set foot in here again!

[Door opens]

There's nowhere else to drink.

Who ordered the nachos?

Arriba! Ay yi yi yi yi!

HANK: She's a real beauty, eh?

Yeah. Is she with anyone?

HANK: She's with me now.

Got her at a garage sale for 2 bucks.

I believe this is what you're looking for.

[Chuckles] Uh. $19?

And an I.O.U. for the rest.

Is this a joke?

L-I just figured, we're almost family now,

and family lends money to family, right?

Sorry. No fee, no deal.

Oh, come on, I was counting on this Goff-Nuts franchise

to bring money back into Dog River.

JEROME: And it will.

We're so confident in this community,

we're planning on opening a franchise with or without you.

What?!

Geez. Have I got "betray me" written across my forehead?

Sorry. It's just business.

Hank, he's right. It's just business.

- Yeah. - Although I am...

I'm surprised with your confidence in our little town...

considering we're bankrupt.

Bankrupt?

No power, no water.

I thought you just blew a breaker.

This place is practically dead.

That changes everything.

Thanks for the info.

I will, uh... I'll see you later.

[ Door closes]

Oh, lookit, Hank, I know you were just trying to help.

Here's a napkin on the house.

Doodle up another idea.

Maybe think a little more about that dude zoo.

So now you can tell everyone how you feel about Dog River

with a snazzy new "Ain't We Quaint?" T-shirt.

This quaintness stuff is stupid.

Well, then, why don't you tell the world how you feel

with your very own "Quaint We Ain't" T-shirt?

Now you're talkin'!

I said hang the flowers 5 feet, 7 inches off the ground.

Why'd you hang them so high?

I thought someone might bump their head.

Well, now no one can smell the flowers

unless they're Shaquille O'Neal.

Who's Shaneille?

I think she won "American ldol" last year.

Tall girl. Oh, she loved flowers.

LACEY: We've been through this!

We don't have time for anyone to have ideas.

Just do it my way.

Emma understands. Right, Emma?

Where's Emma?

I'll get your horse back in no time.

Money well spent.

Money? You mean I have to pay you?

[Horn honks]

Hello, scooter!

Or should I say, one of my scooters?

Where the hell did you get that contraption?

Pat Gallagher's New and Used Cars and Trucks.

You're a fool, Emma.

Falling right in to Big Oil's trap.

It's electric, you idiot.

Maybe you should get a scooter, too.

You could call it Scope.

"Electra-Scope."

- [ Chuckling] - [ Reverse signal beeping]

[Horse whinnies]

Hey, Scope.

That's a boy. Come on.

Come on, my boy.

Good boy. Okay, jump the fence.

Come on.

Here's another one. Come on, jump the fence!

Ah!

You lazy horse!

[Motor whirring]

[Telephone rings]

[Sighs] D.R.P.D.

MAN: There's a prowler in my barn.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to d-o-o-o!

I'll be right there. What's your address?

Come on!

[Horse whinnies]

Whoa, Socks, whoa!

Attaboy.

[Horse snorts]

[Chickens clucking]

Freeze!

Davis? What are you doing here?

DAVIS: Well, I got wind of a B&E.

- How? - I keep my ear to the ground.

More like "ear to the vent."

[Muffled ] Be right there. What's your address?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You've got grille marks on your cheek.

You can't run around interfering in police business.

- You're not a cop. - I used to be.

And now I'm doing something way better.

And people like me.

You're saying people don't like me?

"Ticket Witch" isn't a very flattering nickname.

And they don't use the word "witch."

I'm just doing my job, like a real cop,

which I never was under your command.

All we did was nap and play games.

Oh! Why are you in my barn?

You called the police.

Um, no.

OSCAR: Hyah!

Come on! There we go!

- [ Horse whinnies] - Come on!

Off you go, Scope!

Oscar, get back here!

"I don't know what to do!

I don't know what to do!" [ Laughing ]

Well, that's unfortunate.

- Need a lift? - Yes.

Well, good luck with that.

[Laughing]

You want to buy our house?

I represent a client who does.

Even though the town has a broken water pump,

no power, no money?

Yes.

Your client, is he a drinker?

Well, so, there's an offer price on the back of this card.

- Just think it over and call me. - OSCAR: Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Is he all right?

I wouldn't say so, no.

[Sighs] Sorry I'm late.

I was watching a Noam Chomsky documentary.

Closed my eyes for one minute.

Next thing you know,

David Suzuki's talking about salamanders.

So what's the deal with "Wanda's Booze Box"?

Who squealed?

Squealed? What? It's on your shirt.

Damn it.

So sleepy, I forgot to change.

Ugh.

[ Indistinct conversations]

LACEY: Whoa!

I'm sorry, you guys,

but I thought I said the meeting was at 4:00.

MERTYL: It Was.

We had an emergency meeting at 3:00.

We took a vote, and you're out.

[Laughs]

What?

You're too bossy.

Because I'm the boss!

You can't kick me out. Quaintification is my thing.

Actually, it's the town's thing.

It's going to happen without you.

Well, that's fine, if that's the way you feel.

Good luck with your plywood bums.

MERTYL: [Gasps]

Lacey.

I hope you know that had nothing to do with me.

I fought hard for you.

I nominate Emma for committee leader.

[Applause]

That could not have come at a worse time.

We still on for dinner?

I'm out there busting my brains out

trying to manage two businesses, all so I can save this town,

and you're pulling drinkers away from me.

No. I'm just pulling a few...

Okay. Yes, I am.

But that wasn't my intent.

I'm just desperate to make Tanner's tuition.

I'm sorry.

Well, all right. Apology accepted.

But you've got to promise me no more Booze Box.

I promise.

Welcome, everybody, to The Silver Dollard Casino.

[Cheers and applause]

You spelled "dollar" wrong.

It's my last name, dorkus.

Listen up. There's no more booze.

- [ All groan ] - I'm sorry,

but I made a promise.

But on the plus side, coffee and pop is only 5 bucks.

House rake is 10%. Let's shuffle up and deal!

Hi. You must be the owner here.

Well, I should be, yes.

Well, I'm Sasha, and I was wondering

if you are interested in maybe selling your home.

My company would make it worth your while.

Oh. No, I'm kind of attached to my man... woman cave, so...

A second ago, you called it a casino.

- Did I? - Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm really not interested in selling,

and this is a private party, so, uh, hit the bricks, toots.

[Slap]

Gentlemen, start your wagers, and somebody crank the music!

[Jazz music playing]

DAVIS: [Snoring]

[ Muttering ]

[ Rooster crows]

Come on.

There's more of that good green stuff.

Just step in the loopy thing.

[ Branch cracks]

This is your lucky day, Bugsy.

Sounds like I got bigger fish to fry.

Jumpin' Judy! I thought you were a bear.

A Care Bear, judging by the look of that bow.

"Hunger Games." Starter set.

I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing.

Not really. I'm just gonna assume it's something brilliant

and move on.

I just came by to see if I could borrow some of your tools.

I need to do some repairs at the bar.

Help yourself. I'm good with my Dutch Army Knife.

23 tools right here.

I count 24.

Do the Dutch even have an army?

Oh, who cares?

This baby does the job,

and it's way cheaper than that Swiss thing.

Greedy Swiss.

Well, as fun as this is, I got to get going.

Oh, by the way,

Karen wanted me to tell you that she took your horse.

I don't even know why you have a horse.

I'm just gonna lump it in with all this other magic.

Took my horse?! That...

Ohh!

Was that so hard?!

[Cellphone rings]

- [ Cellphone beeps] - Oh, hey, Mom.

I'm with Dad. Just hangin'.

[Chuckles]

That would be really funny if you were here,

because he's act...

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right there.

Later, Rambo. Mom says it's urgent.

Hey, hey! I could use a little help here!

Use your Norwegian Navy Knife.

It's Dutch! The Norwegians are useless!

So, you getting any takers?

Not yet, but they'll come around.

First one to panic will sell and start an avalanche.

It's a shame, really. Nice little town.

Well, yeah, but we're in the doughnut business,

not the "save our town" business.

These people would have to be total idiots

not to see this place is doomed.

It's just too bad there wasn't some other place to monopolize.

Coffee-shop lady's cute.

So offer her a job.

Let's go see if we can get ahold of the town plans.

CN Holdings?

Why would the rail road want to buy your house?

I don't know.

I don't want to sell, but there may never be another buyer.

Can we afford to miss this chance?

Just don't do anything yet.

Are you sure? I mean, you might have to move.

Someplace nice with a special someone.

Did I mention Lacey's coming for dinner?

Just don't sell the house, okay?

If everything goes wrong, I'll buy it.

I'll match their offer.

JEROME: Oh.

DAVIS: Town hall's closed.

Something I can help you with?

Yeah, uh, we were hoping we could get a look

at the town plans.

I could get you in there... for a fee.

I'm a detective.

Hey, Jerome! Come here.

Oh. Look, uh, if this is about the franchise fee,

- I really can't help you. - No, that's all good.

I just thought you might be interested

in looking at another place to set up shop.

I mean, an even better place.

Oh. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

I mean, if there was ever a place that deserved you guys,

it's this one.

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum

[Door opens]

Our idiot son left me hanging in a tree.

And Karen stole my horse.

EMMA: Thanks!

It's nice to hear some good news.

Please?

Lookit, you... you have to reconsider.

Without power, our town doesn't stand a chance.

DEBBIE: Your town's a bad risk.

You have to pay outstanding debt first.

Isn't there something that you can do?

We have these nifty 3-D magnets I can send you.

Turn them at an angle, little light bulb goes on and off.

How would that even...

Ohh.

Bunch of red tape and bureaucratic bullcrap.

Oh, my God, I'm starting to sound like Oscar.

What's this?

There are other ways to get power from the grid.

OtherWaysToGetPowerFromTheGrid. Com.

Is that even legal?

Well, it depends how you define "legal," but... no.

By the way, where in town

are they setting up the new Goff-Nuts?

Oh, that's dead. I killed it.

- Huh? - Mm-hmm.

Well, then how come that Jerome guy

wanted to look at the town plans?

- He did? - Mm-hmm.

And then Hank showed up, and then they drove off somewhere.

LACEY: Where?

Will you find him for me? I'll pay you.

All right.

And so begins the case of "Where Did Hank Take That Guy?"

Great.

- Can it begin now? - Mm-hmm.

NOW!

Okay, okay.

- Bossy. - What?

I am not.

ORB'!-

Wullerton?

[Both spit]

- Are you sure? - Yep.

Hank bought some oil, and then off they went.

DAVIS: Good to know. Good to know.

Hey, Wanda.

Detective.

Officer.

- Can I help you with something? - KAREN: Maybe.

I'm hearing rumors about illegal gambling in town.

[coughs]

You two know anything about that?

No.

But I am shocked and disgusted that this is happening.

I mean, if it's happening. I mean, these are rumors, right?

KAREN: Yeah, rumors.

Detective? What's the word on the vent?

Seriously, if there was a sniff of a wager in this town,

I would know.

My friends would tell me.

Well, that's good enough for me.

I trust this man's instincts 100%.

ORB'!-

Either of you know anything about where Oscar took my horse?

- He took your horse again? - KAREN: Yeah.

Just now, apparently.

Mr. Sandman

Bring me a dream

Bum bum bum bum

So, uh, here it is.

- Amazing, huh? - Yeah.

Yeah. It's got everything, right?

You know, shops, uh, you know, trees, over there, uh...

Oh, look at that. A church-looking thing there.

Yep. Everything but a Goff-Nuts.

Are you okay?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah.

No, I'm... I'm just, uh...

sickened... by how much better this town is than ours.

Excuse me. Hi! I don't mean to interrupt.

But we're putting on a choir recital fundraiser,

and we have two tickets left.

It would be so great to sell it out.

Oh, we're not interested in any...

Here you go.

There you go. Glad we could help.

It's starting soon. We'll get you seated.

Here.

Yeah. Go ahead. I'm right behind you.

A recital in a dark hall surrounded by pure evil.

DAVIS: Hello, stranger.

Davis!

What are you doing here? You smoke?

[Chuckles] I was gonna ask you the same thing.

Not the smoke thing. The other thing.

I'm trying to get Jerome to open up a Goff-Nuts here

so he wrecks this place instead of Dog River.

Do you know what they want with the town plans?

Town plans? No.

But I heard Jerome and that lady talking,

and it didn't sound good.

I mean, I should probably go in there and try to find out,

but... I'm scared, Davis.

That place is full of...

People from Wullerton.

[Both spit]

And they're singing.

Let's get the hell out of here and figure this out at home.

Yeah.

CN Transport. CN Tower.

C&C Music Factory.

[ Beeping ]

Aw, come on! Give me a break!

[Electricity humming]

Oh. Thanks.

Okay. CN Holdings.

Oh. Hello.

[Radio blares loudly]

Oh, for the love of Pete!

I can't believe you missed dinner.

Huh? Oh.

Oh, my God. I missed a dinner.

What have I become?

I know you're under stress, but this meal was important to me.

I'm sorry, Mom.

My mind is a million different places.

I'm up to my keister in debt, maybe even more.

My keister's pretty low.

And look at this place. It's dead.

Yet you can sit around playing with your computer.

Well, this isn't "Angry Candy" or "Birds with Friends."

I'm doing research on CN Holdings.

Hey, guys!

Whoa! The power's back on! What is up with that?

And just where the hell were you?

Nowhere near there.

Oh, Emma.

Dinner.

Oh, I'm... I'm so sorry I forgot.

I was, um...

Oh, man. You know what? I can't tell you where I was.

But the power's on. And isn't that great?

EMMA: You two are unbelievable.

I hope you have a good life.

And don't even try to stop by the Leroys' for leftovers.

There aren't any.

No leftovers? Damn it.

[Door opens]

[ Door closes]

Brent, the lights are back on. The power's on.

I made it happen.

And I did it... illegally.

- Oh. - [ Squeals]

L-I'm a criminal now.

And you're whispering

because you think the place might be bugged?

Hey, listen, speaking of criminal activity,

there's something weird going on around town.

There's a company named CN Holdings

that's going door to door, offering to buy people's houses.

Who's CN Holdings?

They're a subsidiary of Goff-Nuts, Incorporated.

They handle all the real-estate transactions

for the Goff-Nuts franchise.

But why would they be buying houses?

This is unbelievable.

What are you thinking?

If it was just my mom, how can there be no leftovers?

Focus!

Bum bum bum bum bum

Would you like some lemonade, sirs?

We're raising money for the less fortunate.

Right, right.

Let me guess.

Your name's Les, and your name's Fortunate.

Seriously, it's for a good cause.

Oh, sure. Cause you want the money.

You two sure are good at wordplay.

Is there a problem here?

Let's get the hell out of here.

More like, "Let's get out of the hell here."

Enough with the wordplay. Let's go!

Fitzy?

Hey! Hey, I think I just saw Fitzy!

- Davis! - [ Gasps]

Holy hell! What happened to your face?

I'm a gumshoe. Danger comes with the territory.

- What do you want? - Karen stole my horse again.

I want to hire you to follow her and get my horse back.

Oscar, we've already been through this...

I'm willing to pay you this time,

but I want a seniors discount.

I'll give you 10 bucks now...

- Hey. - There she is.

[ Tires screech ]

No, I found her!

Wait!

Give me my money back!

I think I saw Fitzy.

- What was Fitzy doing there? - HANK: I don't know.

I mean, I was pretty focused on saving the Ruby and Dog River.

Which you almost destroyed in the first place.

Lacey, could you please tell Brent

that I refuse to speak to him

until he apologizes for screwing over his once best friend?

Apologize? For what?

Your lousy memory or your delusions of grandeur?

Lacey, could you please ask Brent

to leave my grandeur out of this?

All right, you know what? Just stop it, both of you!

We need to focus on what Goff-Nuts and CN Holdings

are planning for Dog River.

To turn it into a Western Divisional Depot.

I just got a ride home

from some very friendly people from Wullerton.

[All spit 1

Very kind of... creepy friendly.

They are creepy, aren't they?

Yeah. What happened to your face?

Never mind his face. What's going on'?

Dog River just happens to be a nice geographical hub

for western Canada.

CN Holdings plans to buy up the town and use the infrastructure

for a huge factory and storage facility.

What? That's like cartoon evil.

You weasel in the grass.

I knew that you were up to no good the first time I met you.

Wait a minute.

The only reason I'm here is because Hank called me.

I'm not scheming to ruin your little town.

Lacey told me Dog River was dead.

That's the only reason I called my bosses.

I like you people.

Personally, I hope you win this whole "quaint town" contest.

Survive. Good for you.

Well, we're not going down without a fight.

Now, I've just had a very creepy and stressful ride back.

I could really use a drink.

"[ Scoffs ] " [ Scoffs ]

Look, I'm here to support your bar.

In fact, I'll buy all the drinks tonight

if you open up a tab for me.

How about that?

All right. I'll open up a tab.

Only because I need the money.

And I like free drinks. But I don't like you.

So I'm gonna be serving you with this face.

Hey, Sandy! Bra-less... risky!

At the Copa

Copahavana

The hottest spot here to Kelowna, whoo

Music and fashion and guys with mustaches at the Cop...

Aw, crap.

That's not how it goes.

D.R.P.D.

I'm shutting this place down, people.

- [ Music stops] - Hit the bricks.

[Grunts]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you're going?

Horne.

That was my fourth show tonight. My heels are killing me.

Illegal gambling is a serious crime.

Well, write me up for a parking infraction,

and we'll call it a day.

Wanda...

don't push it.

"Don't push it."

Pretty tough talk when your backup's a baby.

You know what really hurts?

Is that you and Davis lied right to my face.

- Well, about Davis... - [Door opens]

I hope you have a search warrant because

Hey, there's a casino in my garage.

You seriously had no idea this was happening?

"Oh, if there was a sniff of a wager in town,

I'd know about it."

Man, doesn't get any stupider than that.

Aha! Keeping my horse in a casino, eh'?

Holy hell. We got a casino!

Where the hell's my horse?!

What are we gonna do now?

Drink as much booze as we can and run up Jerome's tab.

What? No! I mean about the town.

Lacey, could you tell the bartender

that I would like another drink?

Oh, tell him yourself.

Well, now you're just being rude.

Yes, that is a bottle.

You want two bottles? You want to put sand in it?

I don't know what you're saying.

Is little Timmy stuck in the well?

Whoa. Easy, there.

You know what I've been thinking?

What is a girl from Toronto doing in a small town like this?

- Well, I... - You're smart. You're pretty.

You deserve better than this.

You do.

From the first moment that I saw you, very first,

I really thought you and I, we clicked.

Nope. No. [Laughs] No.

- Come on. - Sorry. No click.

Or crackle.

Not even a pop.

It's... It's more of a pffftthh!

Oh.

Well, that... that's just because

you're not giving me a chance.

- Well... - Why can't you be more friendly?

I mean, why can't you be more like the people from Wullerton?

[Spits]

I think I'm in love.

Wow. You're like a biker chick.

All right, buddy, here's your tab.

Time to go.

I'm not ready to go.

Well, I'm ready for you to go.

You're getting a little sloppy, so vamoose.

Or?

Or skedaddle, scurry, scoot.

I'll go when I'm good and ready.

As it turns out, I'm ready now.

It's a good thing he left when he did.

Yeah, the last thing you need now is legal troubles.

Whoa! Oof!

'Aah! '[Thud]

Ow!

'[Thud] - Ah!

That wasn't the sound of a door slamming, was it?

- Mnh-mnh. - I'm a Ford Tempo

You're a Maserati

You're the Great One, I'm Marty McSorley

[ Electricity crackles]

Hey, sorry. I don't think I can help you.

The pumps won't work when the power's out.

- You Brent Leroy? - Yeah. Who's asking?

You're being sued?

I'm more surprised I got served like that.

I thought that only happened in movies.

So I guess you're gonna need a lawyer.

WANDA: I could help you.

Oh, I think you've done enough.

But I have studied a ton of law cases.

Cohen vs. Woytowich.

Barker vs. Tunney.

I've seen "Kramer vs. Kramer" like 10 times.

Come on.

Let me make this up to you.

I think I'll stick with a professional.

We are going to submit the following evidence...

contractor's quote showing that the hotel bar

was in dire need of repair,

photos of the location where the incident occurred,

a doctor's statement listing injuries sustained,

as well as a psychological examination

for undue stress caused by the resulting incident.

Whoa. Is this all from this case?

It is? Yikes. [Chuckles]

- Are you okay? - I'm fine.

I just... I just get the sweats.

Nerves.

I, um... I mostly handle pet-related law.

Bites, fecal damage,

"your ferret ate my canary," stuff like that.

You're wearing a tie. Smart.

[Chuckles]

May I borrow it?

All right, you're my lawyer.

Really? Yes! Let's do this.

[ "Perry Mason" theme plays]

JUDGE: Not guilty!

Okay!

Our case is up next.

JUDGE: Guilty!

Damn it!

Oh, I'm really sorry, Brent.

I really thought I could do this.

I just thought that if I could make this all disappear,

then maybe you'd forgive me for screwing up your bar business.

There's nothing to forgive.

You were doing it for your kid.

We're good.

Really?

Wow.

All the years I've known you, I don't think we've ever hugged.

Well, now you just made it weird.

Everything in my life, good or bad,

has happened around this gas station.

It's all I know.

It's okay.

You're not just four walls and some pumps.

There's a lot more to you than that.

- Is that a fat joke? - [ Chuckles]

[Engine turns over]

BRENT: Look, I'm sorry I disappointed you both.

I screwed up the sale of the house and now the gas station.

Generations of Leroys

have built this business from the ground up.

Actually, your great-uncle won it in a card game.

Used to be a bakery.

The most important thing is we still have each other.

Friends and family are all that counts.

OSCAR: Money helps, too.

I, uh... I called that Realtor woman.

She's coming tomorrow to look at the house again.

What?

I got a family to take care of.

Wow, Dad, that is the most reasonable thing

I've ever heard you say.

Besides, I can trap squirrels in the city.

- And there's the crazy. - Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

Well, I... I guess it's just time to move on.

Or?

Geez, Fitzy. Where the hell did you come from?

I was crouching over there in the tall grass.

I didn't want to interrupt.

What were you doing in Wullerton?

[All spit 1

I've figured out a way to erase the debt, repair the water pump,

and get Dog River back to its old self again!

That doesn't involve the lottery?

No, no.

We can have our town back to normal if we...

agree to be annexed by Wullerton!

[All spit 1

Annexed?!

Annexed?!

What does "annexed" mean?

Oh, it's Latin for "Fitzy's an idiot"!

Nobody's annexing anything, buddy boy!

I agree with Dad! Oh, dear.

Did you see what those vicious bastards did to Hank and Davis?

Is there a problem here?

"Ohh! "Ohh!

- Oh! Oh! - Oh! Oh!

Ow. [Groans]

Were you two giving those nice men trouble?

What do you people want?

If we don't let them annex us,

Goff-Nuts is gonna bulldoze the town and put up a big warehouse.

[ Indistinct conversations]

Okay, everybody, shut the hell up!

We've forgotten about the contest.

It's not too late.

I mean, obviously, our town isn't quaint.

But it doesn't have to be.

All we have to do is fool that National Star woman

into thinking it is.

She arrives in... six hours.

We can do it.

We can clean up this mess, run her down Main Street,

have some pie and coffee, and sweet-talk her big-city heinie

into giving us the title.

We just need to get along for one afternoon.

BRENT: Lacey's right.

We may not be quaint, but we're tremendous liars!

I say we give this one last shot!

- Who's with us? - [ Cheers and applause]

Yes!

I move we reinstate Lacey as chairman of the committee.

And Myrtle seconds it.

L do?

Yes, you do.

All right! Then let's do this!

We already said we were going to do it.

Well, all righty, then.

Let's go!

One, two, one, two, one, two.

That's how I learned about painting the town

When her mama said to jump in a lake

I had a good time, and it was her mistake

I got my head down, sticking to the track

I got no plan 'cause that'll hold me back

I don't know, doo, doo, doo

Come make my house your home

Doo, doo, doo

Come make my house your home

- Doo, doo, doo -What do you think you're doing?

When this is over,

you and I are going to square things away with my horse.

I legally confiscated that horse, so bring him back!

Back from where? You stole him out in the woods!

Yeah, and then you took him back outside Corner Gas!

What the hell are... Oh, I get it.

This is some dirty-mind cop game.

I think you mean "dirty-cop mind game."

I think.

Why don't you get your own horse?

Like this one.

What the deuce?!

KAREN: Emma!

Emma!

I'm sick and tired of you two sneaking around.

So I took Big Slick and made him my own.

And he's gonna be up front and center

when that newspaper lady gets here.

Isn't that right, Slick?

- His name is Socks. - His name is Scope.

ORB'!-

Just make sure Socks

doesn't leave any donations on the street.

[Sighs]

Something I can help you with?

Just, uh, got a spot of rust there.

You might want to keep an eye on it.

Will do.

What's with the shredded paper in the back seat?

Oh, I finally cleaned out the files in the back storeroom.

I always meant to do that.

I'm sorry what I said before.

You're a damn good police officer.

I'm sorry for what I said, too.

I miss nap time.

Lacey wants me to escort the National Star woman

with full lights and siren.

You should suit up and ride along.

Really?

Could be our last chance to be partners.

All right!

Okay, Davis, this isn't very cop-like.

OSCAR: I don't like this!

You got Scope all dolled up like some kind of Glacier Girl.

What are you doing?

He's a war-horse.

He should march down Main Street all proud-like.

But we need him to pull the wagon.

Get some of your flower cronies to pull the stupid wagon.

Honest to God, Dad,

you're gonna get that horse or somebody else killed.

It's a T-shirt cannon,

but I want to modify it to shoot confetti.

A T-shirt cannon?

Yeah, check this out.

Hey, Marvin. You want a T-shirt?

Oh!

Better dial that back a titch.

Along the front bed. Okay? Hurry!

Oh, you guys, I said wear band uniforms.

These are our band uniforms. We do a John Denver medley.

Huh. Oh, well. I guess it's too late to change now.

Is that why you're wearing that?

[Laughs] Okay.

Listen, as soon as Hank gets here with the judge,

start playing-

When the truck passes, fall in behind and finish at the Ruby.

Chop-chop!

I don't have any confetti. Would rice work?

Couldn't hurt to try.

They're coming! Here they come!

Okay, everyone! They're here! Places!

Just a few more.

Hurry. Hurry!

LACEY: I think we may have pulled this off.

[T-shirt cannon fires]

Oh!

Bag of rice was your idea.

- Hey! - I hope you're happy!

Scope is missing.

I can't deal with this right now!

I have to finish planting flowers.

OSCAR: My horse is missing,

and all you can worry about is your stupid flowers!

- Whoa. - Why, you!

Whoa!

Okay, buddy.

Let's you and me go for a walk.

Davis! Go!

Just turn on the lights!

Remember this moment, Karen.

Today's the day that we saved Dog River.

- [ Engine turns over] - What are you doing?

You're smoking?

Hasn't anyone seen a detective movie?

Davis, I'm pregnant.

What, pregnant women can't watch detective movies?

- Eee-ah! - What were you thinking?!

Me? You're the one that said use rice.

This is for shirts only!

See? Oh!

Just throw the stupid cigarette out the window!

[ Both scream ]

Oh! Oh, crap.

You okay, partner? You hurt?

Where's that cigarette?

[Fire crackling]

- Om 'Aah!

Fire!

Go! Go!

KAREN: Fire! Fire!

[ Explosion, horse neighs]

All right, don't panic.

We'll deal with this in an orderly fashion.

Fitzy, you're on fire! You're on fire!

- Aah! - Fitzy's on fire!

On fire! Aah!

[Camera shutter clicks]

I don't know what you people consider quaint, but this is...

- Aaah! - Whoa!

Crap.

Oh, my God! Brent!

[ Indistinct conversations]

Do you feel dizzy?

I don't know.

[Clears throat]

On behalf of Dog River, I extend a hearty prairie welcome...

Oh, give it a rest, Fitzy.

I think it's safe to say we didn't pull this off.

Hi. Um...

- Tina. - LACEY: Tina.

I'm sorry that you had to come all the way here and see this.

Okay, so the quaint thing is out the window,

and our town is probably gonna be bulldozed

and turned into a doughnut depot or annexed by Wullerton.

[All spit 1

Oh, that's our thing we do.

But however this plays out,

we still have to be there for each other.

The person who has tried the hardest and fallen the farthest

is Brent.

So I think the least we can do

is help him get back on his feet.

Because, honestly, you guys,

if Corner Gas can't survive, then none of us can.

[People murmuring]

The town would love to help, but the coffers are bone-dry.

Are you sure about that, Fitzy?

Karen's been writing an awful lot of tickets.

- She has? - ALL: Yes!

How many ticket books did you go through?

Only five.

Five.

Again with the napkins?

DAVIS: With the average ticket price...

Carry the 11.

[Whistles]

Holy crap!

Um, I think we can help a little.

Good work, Officer Pelly!

Just doing my job.

Well, as some of you may or may not know,

I have sort of been running a sort of casino

out of, uh, some place.

So, um...

Here you go, pouty puss.

[coughs]

Whoa. This is a lot of money.

Just don't make a big

whoop-dee-doo about it, all right?

You know, just I saw that you needed help, and...

Shut up.

- You are a good and loyal... - I said shut up.

Okay, look, Brent, I can't stay mad at you.

So, uh...

I've decided to sell shares in my new venture-capital project

to... to donate to Brent.

Now, I can't say too much about the project itself

except that it might involve a rocket.

It's pretty awesome.

Or you know what?

You could all buy shares in Brent's bar.

You mean we could be bar owners?

LACEY: Absolutely.

Brent has been telling me what a blast he's been having.

Isn't that right, Brent?

He's like his own Ted Danson over there.

Ooh. I like that Ted Danson.

This could work. This could really work.

- [ Indistinct conversations] - BRENT: Wait.

Hang on, everybody. Hold up.

Anything that I get is just gonna go to Goff-Nuts

or CN Holdings because of the lawsuit.

This money should really go to save the town.

OSCAR: I wish those corporate eggheads were here right now.

We could launch a countersuit.

Right. But we didn't do so well last time we went to court.

But you might do better in the court of public opinion.

I don't follow you.

No offense, but the Quaintest Contest is a lousy assignment.

But this? This is pure gold.

Do me a favor.

Everyone squish in and smile.

Except you. Try to look confused.

- Well, why are we... - Perfect!

[Camera shutter clicks]

MAN: So we just dropped everything?

The lawsuit? The plans for the depot?

We had to. It would have been a P.R. nightmare,

steamrolling the quaintest town in Canada.

But they weren't named the quaintest town in Canada.

No, but they were mentioned.

Well, I guess any press is good press.

I don't know. Did you see the Howler headline?

That "dirty ho" kind of stings a bit.

You know what really stings?

The fact those Wullerton weirdos [Spits] bailed us out

by doing all that fundraising for Dog River.

Yeah, I know. Choir recitals, lemonade stands.

Those self-serving bastards.

The important thing is that, um...

you apologized, and I accepted.

Neither of those things happened.

Oh.

How about I buy you lunch, we call it even?

Eh.

Hey, don't be cheap!

You better not have checked any boxes on your new contract.

No.

I circled a few things, though. That okay?

Guess we'll see in 25 years, rookie. [ Chuckles]

- More bursary applications? -Nope. Cruises.

Tanner's grades weren't good enough to get into university.

- Oh. - Oh, well.

He got a job up north, and he's making so much money

that he is sending me on a vacation.

- Wow! - Good kid.

Thick as a walnut.

So, you're not upset you sold the bar?

I'm anything but upset.

Thank you, by the way, for your great idea of selling shares.

LACEY: You're welcome.

Hey, do I get a hug for my great idea?

I suppose you've earned it.

What?

They did a...

lippy-kissy thing.

WANDA: Brent...

you just kissed an actual human female.

She likes you!

Ask her out, you jackass!

Yeah, I did ask her out, like two years ago.

I said yes, if this still isn't clear.

You guys have been a couple for two years?

How can you not know this?!

We go to the bar together.

We go to movies together, shopping together.

So much for everyone knowing everyone's business.

Oh, my God.

This is incredible news!

I can finally have grandchildren!

Oh. No, we've discussed it. We're not gonna have kids.

I'm not sharing my comic books

with some grubby little jam-hands.

Son of a...

[The Odds' "My Happy Place" plays]

I don't know the same things you don't know

I don't know

I just don't know

And I forget the same things you forget

But you predict what surely hasn't happened yet

Ooh, ooh, ooh

It's a great big place

Full of nothing but space

And it's my happy place

I was pretty focused on trying to save the Ruby and Dog River.

[Ringtone playing]

Oh, somebody's got to put something in the tip jar.

Whose bag is that?

I don't know what that is.

- Whose bag could that be? - God.

How embarrassing.

Welcome to the '90s.

Everybody say hi to my mom.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mom!

I'm shooting, and I should've had my phone off, Mama.

- They're filming it. - She just cost me 28 grand!

I love you.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, take one.

Oh, that was very good. I like that one.

Chicken for beef, take five.

Chicken for chicken, take two.

The last...

MAN: That looks great.

[ "Not a Lot Goin' On" plays]

Okay, here we go.

You can tell me that your dog ran away

Then you tell me that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard every word you're saying

You think there's not a lot goin' on

Look closer, baby, you're so wrong

And that's why you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot goin' on

ALL: Yeah!

Haaaa!

Bluah! Bluah!

Eeuah! [Laughs]

112, take 6.

Wow. We're [bleep] terrible.

[ Both scream ]

- Holy crap! - Whoa!

- Hang... Hang on! - Whoa!

Whoa. Ah.

That's just acting, kids.

Karen! Hi!

You know, that just threw me off.

I'm gonna... Sorry. I'll be right back.

[ Laughter]

You can tell me that your dog ran away

Then you tell me that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard every word you're saying

You think there's not a lot goin' on

But look closer, baby, you're so wrong

And that's why you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot goin' on

MAN: Action!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

WHOOPS!

BRENT: Oh, it was you. Well, good.

It's about time somebody called one of these things.

No? Just kidding. Okay. We'll start over. Sorry.

You're doing great, buddy. You are making my career.

This horse is making my career.

Gentlemen, start your wagers!

Oh! It's... Oh! Pbht!

Gentlemen, start your wages!

No! God! I'll be back.

MAN: Action!

[Roaring]

[Panting]

[ Laughter]

[Goofy music plays]

[ "Not a Lot Goin' On" plays]

You can tell me that your dog ran away

Then you tell me that it took three days

I've heard every joke

I've heard every word you're saying

You think there's not a lot goin' on

But look closer, baby, you're so wrong

I roll my eyes back into my happy place

I'm always gonna need this sense of space

And in the amber wave under a rolling cloud

I can't hear what you say 'cause you're talking so loud

How many times you gonna get me wrong?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

You think there's not a lot goin' on

Well, look closer, baby, you're so wrong

And that's why you can stay so long

Where there's not a lot goin' on

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

Er.

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

Need a lighter.

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

[Laughs]

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

Really, I will. [Laughs]

I'll tell you what happened to Phil.

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around you

[ Laughter]

You could get lightning on you

Strikes twice

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around you

Good luck

You know you're gonna need it

With the rain, you could get lightning on you

Strikes twice

You better believe it

Under a sky that's always wrapped around you

Good luck

You think there's not a lot goin' on

You think there's not a lot goin' on

You think there's not a lot goin' on

[Cheers and applause]

[Horn honks]