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There will be coffee in the lodge.

There's no comment on that
at the moment.

When you gonna know something?
When you gonna know?

- What's going on?
- Jet from Lisbon went down.

Crashed or blew up,
nobody seems to know.

Flight 772?

You waiting for someone onboard?

No, I was supposed to take
that flight and I switched.

God.

Hello. Yes.

Certainly, it's my card.

Of course I know where I was born.
Allentown, Pennsylvania, 1946.

What else do you need to know?

Mother's name Alice.
Father's name William.

Listen, am I gonna get any money?

Yes, I would love to
speak to a supervisor.

What do you mean, someone called up
and cancelled my card?

Do you have a name?

It's what?

No...

...I'm not dead.

Bill, bill, bill, ad.

- Ad? For what?
- A billing service.

- Great.
- Bill, bill, cheque.

- Cheque?
- Cheque.

I never believe them about not having
to buy any magazines to qualify.

Someone sorts the people who buy
from the people who don't.

This is depressing.
We've got to do something.

We've got to simplify.

Rent less expensive furniture.

Maybe find cheaper office space.

Spare down. No more frills.

No more overtime,
we've got to get serious.

We're gonna have to pop
the window to get the piano in.

- Piano?
- With the pool table, I can just...

...lower it with a chopper to this floor,
bring it through one of the windows.

This isn't real.

I'm dreaming this.

I'll be back. Don't get discouraged.

- Nothing, I've been clean for years.
- A piano, a pool table?

You like that?
I got the idea from this, a great book.

- What is it?
- Interviews with the heads...

...of major corporations, how they
got there, how they stay there...

...keep their company number one.
It's called Being 2nd Stinks.

These guys talk about creating
a pleasant working environment...

...and how it leads to
better productivity.

I figured you can't argue
with Fortune 500, right?

Oh, no?

Take it back. I'm not paying for it.

- Cancel it, take it back.
- Lady, he said-

- Cancel the wench.
- You're the wench.

- Watch it.
- Wait, Maddie.

- You're making a mountain out of-
- Molehills. My molehill.

I own and I pay the bills.
There's no money for a piano.

Being 2nd Stinks.
Being second would be wonderful.

Being 22nd would be wonderful.
We need a client whose business...

...we could depend on. A client
who would help us pay the light bill.

- Done.
- A department store chain...

...a brokerage house. Someplace that
would need us to- Done?

You think I'd buy a baby grand piano,
a pool table, a satellite dish...

- Satellite dish?
- ... if money weren't rolling in.

A contract, a signed contract?
Who? Where? When?

It's this book, I read it last night
and the light bulb came on.

I realized you gotta
make your own opportunities.

The Easy Credit
Assurance Company?

- ECAC. Great bunch of guys.
- And you know these people?

Well, I have had occasion to
work with them in the past, yes.

What is it we're to do
for Eke Meek?

ECAC. They're sort of
a collection agency...

...and we would be sort of
a subcontractor to them.

We get the cases they've given up on.
We get to keep half of what we collect.

- We're bill collectors?
- Not bill collectors...

...we're credit marshals. We're
payment enforcers. We're bill busters.

This does not sound
like something I want to do.

- You haven't even tried it yet.
- I know what it's like...

...to suffer financial reverses.
I don't like hounding people.

We're not gonna be
hounding any unfortunate people.

- We're not?
- No, we're going after creeps...

...deadbeats, people with no
concept of obligation, responsibility...

...trying to evade their indebtedness,
not people that can't pay.

- You sure?
- Sure, I'm sure. I'm surer than sure...

...I'm certain. This contract is
a money machine.

Addison, it doesn't make sense.

If it's so easy, why doesn't
Yick Yack get it themselves?

Why didn't Detroit
make smaller cars before Japan?

Why didn't cereal companies put two
scoops of raisins in from the get-go?

Who knows, doesn't matter.
Their loss is our gain.

- I'm not so sure.
- I am.

One try, if we don't hit pay dirt-

- One try?
- One try, one little bitty try.

What have we got to lose?
Maddie, trust me.

Having a lot of work done
on your place while you were away.

Excuse me?

The last couple of days,
couldn't help but notice...

...men going in and out.
Hear the hammering and the nailing.

That's the way to do it.

Leave the country for a month,
and come home to a new apartment.

Larry Henderson.

Owes $3400 on his car.
Poet, lives with his mother.

Money in the bank.

- How did I let you talk me into this?
- What is your problem?

The guy owes $3400,
half of $3400 is-

- $1700.
- $1700, right.

Couldn't you use $1700 right now?

- That's not the point.
- What is the point?

We don't know this man's story,
if he's been sick, been robbed.

It says nothing on the card here
about being sick or being robbed.

The guy bought a big
expensive car he can't afford.

- You don't know that.
- Sure, the guy's a poet.

What kind of money
do poets make?

Not one of your fast-track careers,
no big runs at department stores.

He's probably some poor,
sensitive little man.

Damn straight. It's our job to scare
the iambic pentameter out of him.

The House at Pooh Corner.

- You know what you're doing?
- What's to know?

I'm gonna convince Rhyming Simon
the only thing...

...between him and his death
is a cheque made out to us.

- Oh, David.
- "Oh, David" what?

David, I think you're making
a mistake. You can't bully this man.

People are fundamentally good,
present company excluded...

...and I believe if
you give them a chance...

...to live up to their obligations,
they'll rise to the occasion.

- Fine.
- Does that mean you agree with me?

- What does it mean?
- Fine means fine. Fine.

Next place, you can be in charge,
we'll do it your way.

But right now, you give me one shot.
I got $1700 riding on this...

...and I'd like to make money the
old-fashioned way: scare the creep.

Yo, Larry!

My name is
David " Boom-Boom" Addison...

...from the Easy Credit
Assurance Company...

...and I'm not leaving until you
come out here and sign us a cheque.

Watch this.

Hello, Larry.

My goodness.

You're a poet.
And you sure show it.

And I know it,
because you're kind of long, fellow.

That used to kill them
in the fifth grade.

Luck of the draw. First guy we go see
has a gland problem.

How can you guess
something like that?

That guy ought to
consider statehood.

Addison, this is not for us.

- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.

David, we made a deal.
You had your try.

- Now let's go back to the office.
- Okay. You got me. A deal's a deal.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Can we make one little stop-?
- David.

Wait for me.

Bless me, Father, for I've sinned.

How long has it been
since your last confession?

Forty-two years. I'm Wind Jammer.

Wind Jammer.

I need to come in.

I need to come back.
They're on to me.

- You have to be kidding.
- Do I look like I'm kidding?

It's not like going through
a revolving door. It'll take time.

- A little preparation.
- I don't think I have any time.

I'm willing to trade.

I have a letter. A communiqué.

- Nobody knows where it is except me.
- What do you mean, trade?

I mean, you guys are supposed to
help me out in situations like this.

I'm not going to be the only one to die
if everything goes south.

Now, you guys cover me...

...and I'll make sure that everybody
else's behind is covered-

I'm just a courier. I'll do what I can.

I'll have someone from the agency
contact you. That's the best I can do.

- This isn't the way back to the office.
- I just wanna make one little pit stop.

We had a deal.

You're not gonna give up
after one little setback, are you?

- The only reason Ick Poo-
- ECAC.

Would give you a chance to collect
money is they know it's impossible.

- They told Mr. Bic it was impossible.
- I don't wanna hear this.

They told Mr. Volkswagen
it was impossible-

Addison, wake up! They sent you out
to get money from Paul Bunyan.

You wake up.

We have to do this. I'm doing this
for us, for the good of the company.

If we don't figure out some way to
bring some money into the company...

...I can see the handwriting
on the wall.

If I have to go out there
and get another job...

You may not know this...

...but some people out there
think I'm not a good detective.

Go figure.

- One more try?
- One try, my way?

- One try, any which way.
- Okay, but if we don't hit pay dirt-

Maddie, trust me.
I feel very lucky with this next guy.

Any special reason why
somebody would wanna follow you?

- Three cars back.
- Let me out here.

- We still got three blocks to go.
- Here is fine.

This is for the ride...

...bring my baggage to me tomorrow,
and you get the other half of this.

All right.

Roy Hirsch, 3C.

- Where could he be?
- Out spending money he doesn't have.

Are you sure you're
using that properly?

It's not like it's brain surgery.

Excuse me.

- Yeah?
- Mr. Hirsch, you're there.

I'll handle this.
Mr. Hirsch, this is Madelyn Hayes.

I've come to talk to you about this
situation you've gotten yourself into.

Who are you?
Are you with the agency?

I'm with the agency, but I haven't
come to intimidate or bully you.

I've come here to reason with you,
to appeal to your sense of fair play.

Gotta admit, I'm impressed.

I don't know why
you're so surprised.

It's like I said before,
people are good.

Now, where is it?

Mr. Hirsch, it's Madelyn Hayes
from the agency.

Mr. Hirsch, I can hear you
moving around in there.

Could you be a dear
and open the door, please?

I guess rising to
the occasion takes time.

- Maybe he didn't hear you.
- Stuff it.

Come on, Hirsch,
what do you say you let us in...

...before we have to come in there
and get rough with you.

Now, Maddie, there's no need
to bully this man.

Open this door, you parasite,
you goldbricker, you, you-

Lowlife?

Mr. Hirsch?

He doesn't look too well.

It's an old deadbeat trick.
Make them think you're sick.

Mr. Hirsch, about your indebtedness...

...if you could take a minute and
write a cheque for $1450...

...I'm sure this ugly business
would be over.

Isn't this your chequebook here?
Let me bring it to you.

You can make that out
to Easy Credit Assurance Company.

David, I think this deadbeat is dead.

- Another trick. Stick him with a pin.
- I will not.

- Yank out one of his nose hairs.
- Addison!

Rip off all your clothes
and see if he reacts.

You're right, bad idea.
That would kill me.

I'll handle this.

Hey, Roy.

Okay, you win.

He's dead.

It's right down here.

It's locked. Must have blown shut.
Guess we'll have to break it down.

A man is dead. He's not
gonna come to the door.

- Hello.
- Door of the living dead.

Police investigations.

I'm here following up on a possible
homicide on these premises.

On these premises?

You mean, in this building?

Right there in that chair, dead.
Dead as a doornail.

- Deader.
- Miss Hayes...?

- Sir, if I could have your name?
- Roy Hirsch.

I know I'm intrigued.

- This is not the man that was dead.
- Obviously.

He's done something with the body,
hidden it, or put it someplace.

I am who I say I am. Would you like
to search the apartment?

- No.
- Yes.

- A consensus.
- Sir...

...we do not search without
a warrant or a probable cause.

We saw the body. What more
probable cause do you need?

Evidence, witness, signs of mayhem,
a victim who doesn't answer his door.

- He's got us on points.
- May I ask what you were doing...

...in my apartment
when you saw this dead man?

Business. The other Mr. Hirsch
was behind in his car payments.

I'm sorry, I really don't understand.

We represent
the Easy Credit Assurance Company.

Our slogan: " If you gotta go in debt,
ECAC's your best bet. "

You said you were
private investigators.

We are, we're both.
It's very complicated.

Mr. Hirsch, if you'll excuse us,
I'd like to have a word...

...with Mr. Addison
and Miss Hayes out in the hall.

Do you have a licence?

Of course we have a licence.

- Do you wanna keep it?
- What are you trying to say?

What I'm trying to say is,
next time you report a murder...

...you better make sure
you have a dead body.

Sorry to have disturbed you,
Mr. Hirsch.

- Wait a second.
- Let it lay. Downstairs.

How can you look so calm?
Aren't you mad?

- Mad? I'm excited.
- Excited?

Addison, we were just set up,
made to look like fools.

Tell me something I don't know.

The real Hirsch is dead,
and this new tenant is lying...

...or he is Roy Hirsch and you
and I saw someone else entirely.

Either way,
something is rotten in Cleveland.

- And that doesn't make you mad?
- Mad? Mad?

- How can you get mad at opportunity?
- Opportunity?

Maddie, we're investigators, right?

- For the sake of argument, say " right. "
- Right.

Investigators have to have
something to investigate.

- I thought we were bill busters.
- Temp work...

...to tide us over until Mother Nature
could deliver unto us a murder.

- Aren't you forgetting something?
- "Who's the client?"

- Well?
- Well, you always say that.

Stop getting hung up
on technicalities.

Maddie, we have to create
our own opportunities.

You think Alexander Graham Bell
sat back and said:

"Why am I inventing the phone?
Who am I going to call?"

He went out and invented
the telephone, dialled until people...

...got sick of that ringing. They
went out and bought a phone...

...so they could answer it.

- You read that in your book?
- Back of a milk carton.

Maddie, we have to
investigate this murder.

Providence has deposited
a dead body in our path.

Who knows what lies at the end of it?
A reward?

- Contract?
- More dead bodies. Our dead bodies.

- Tonight will tell the tale.
- Tell what tale?

Who really lives in that apartment,
or who's really dead in it.

You really know how to whip up
an evening's entertainment.

How long are we gonna stand here?

Until someone lets us inside.

Lets us inside?

This is a security building.
No one's gonna let us inside.

Someone's coming.

Play along with me.

Uncle Leon!

It's me, Davy.
Little David Addison.

I got the batteries
to your hearing aid.

Gosh, sis, he can't hear
to buzz us in.

If he doesn't buzz us in,
he'll never be able to hear.

I couldn't help overhearing.
Is there anything I can do to help?

Oh, wow, sis, it's gonna be all right.

Uncle Leon will be able to play
in the symphony tomorrow after all.

Oh, thank you. Hey, God bless.

God bless you.

And heaven help us all.

Have to make sure nobody's home.

- How do we do that?
- Two-step process.

You wait here.

- What are you doing?
- Can't be too careful.

- Clearly there's no one at home.
- Let's just be sure.

- Where did you learn that?
- Camp Kennybrook. Pretty cool, huh?

- Credit card.
- Credit card?

Credit card.

Look, would you be
more comfortable going to a motel?

It doesn't have to be a gold card,
I just want to open the door.

All right, all right.

I gotta get this guy's
cleaning service.

Look at this place.

- Who would have done such a thing?
-7 Santini Brothers?

Somebody sure was
looking for something.

What do you think it could be?

Bank loot, crown jewels,
a pair of lost contacts?

Hey!

David!

- What happened?
- Punched myself in the mirror.

David.

What do you think this is?

- Company's coming.
- What do we do now?

Make sure our hands are washed,
the lid's down and we're gone.

Fire escape.

Who is it? Is it the dead man
or the living man?

New guy, still alive.

- What's he doing?
- Looking for this.

- He's gone.
- Okay.

David, David, David,
why are we doing this?

- It doesn't make sense. It's crazy.
- This guy knew exactly where to go.

First, we meet a man who's dead.

- Which means that all this killing...
- We meet another man...

- ... has something to do with this.
- ... who says he's the man who's dead.

Then the man who's dead is gone,
the man who isn't dead is gone...

- ... everything in the apartment is gone.
- Crazy little rhyme.

- There's a new man...
- Passport.

...who isn't the man who's dead.
And isn't the man who's not dead-

- Hirsch's passport.
- I'm tired.

I'm working very hard
and I don't know why.

We're not getting paid.
Why are we doing this?

- To find out who killed Hirsch.
- I don't know who Hirsch is.

Sure we do. He's a Russian spy.

Sorry I asked.

Blue Moon Detective Agency.

If persons are missing,
if objects are lost...

...we'll find them for you
at reasonable cost.

Your runaway husband,
that non-paying louse.

We'll find them for you,
bring them back to the house.

Lost a prize-winning dog?
Lost a prize-winning cat?

We'll find them both for you
in just no time flat.

So tell us your problem,
it'll all work out fine.

Just tell me your problem,
it's why I'm on the line.

No, it was three black...

...two with sugar,
and one tea with lemon on the side.

You can't call in the CIA,
not after all we've invested.

If this guy is a Soviet spy,
we shouldn't get involved.

This is a job for the government.

The government? Hasn't
the government got enough to do?

That's the problem.
Nobody wants to do for themselves.

- We're not equipped.
- Here, I wanna show you something.

- What is that?
- What is that? What is that?

It's a Jell-O mould. It's a gun.

A serious gun for serious business,
our business.

Me and you
are gonna crack this case.

I don't even know what this is.

I gotta spell it out? A Russian
passport, a secret message.

- What secret message?
- This secret message.

How do you know
this isn't a grocery list?

Because they don't
have groceries in Russia.

No Disneyland. No Three Stooges.
No baseball. Only ballet and roulette.

I don't wanna get involved
with spies or Russians or guns.

We're not bill busters, not secret
agents. What we needed is a client.

We got one, a real one.
Waiting in Mr. Addison's office.

- A client? A real one, in this office?
- You're kidding.

Yeah. He is just sitting there.
Playing pool.

- All right.
- It was just a matter of time.

- I guess so.
- What's this client's name?

- Roy Hirsch.
- Roy Hirsch?

Happen to notice
whether this guy's alive?

- What do you think he wants?
- The thing everybody else wants...

...the passport
and the grocery list. Come on.

- Where are we going?
- Out of here.

This guy's following us,
and my guess is he's not alone.

- What?
- That's the guy from last night.

Wait a minute, he doesn't know
what were look like.

- Right.
- Looks like he's waiting by our car.

- What do we do now?
- I'll distract him, you get the car.

- Distract him? How?
- I don't know, I'll think of something.

Jump in the car, come get me,
and that'll give us a head start.

- All right.
- All right.

- Some echo.
- What?

Some echo.

Come on, man, help me.

Come on, man.

Now it's your turn. You pick a song.

- Listen, jackass-
- I don't know that one.

I'll tell you what, I'll pick one for you.
You like R&B? Me, I like R&B.

- They're following us!
- Of course, naturally. It's a chase.

I don't wanna do this.

- You gotta, you're driving.
- I got a perfect driving record.

I have no intention of jeopardizing
it with some dumb chase.

I guess that's that, chase is over.
He's caught up with us.

- David, why is he doing that?
- Because you're letting him.

- Punch this cow, will you?
- Okay, I will. What does that mean?

Step on the pedal, Gretel.

- What do I do now?
- Far right lane, make a sharp left.

You don't make a left
from the right lane.

We do.

Left into this alley.

- We did it.
- We did it?

We did it. We lost him.

They did it. They found us.

Reverse!

- Faster.
- Faster?

I don't like driving faster forward,
and I don't like faster backward.

Now, forward.

- Make a left.
- We don't have the right of way.

We're doing 85 miles an hour.
This is no time to debate!

Don't yell at me.
If I can't concentrate, I can't drive.

Get ready to make the turn.

- What?
- Turn!

- They're still behind us.
- Of course they are.

You have to go faster than them.

David!

- That other car saved us.
- Because he wants us all to himself.

- Hang a right here.
- Why?

Why? Because I said so,
that's why...

...and so far, I've been right
about everything.

All right, so I made one mistake.

CIA! Come out with your hands up!

CIA? We've been running
from the CIA?

All right, two mistakes.

So Hirsch wasn't a Russian spy?

Double agent.
He posed as a Russian spy.

He let them set him up in an
apartment, credit cards, an identity.

They used him to stage
terrorist activities in this country.

But not before he let you know
when the trouble would begin.

Right.

Except after we received
his last communiqué in Lisbon...

...they found him out.

Killed a planeload of people just to
try to stop him from letting us know.

When they realized he changed planes,
they assigned an agent the task...

...of eliminating him. A gentleman
named Arkady Nestovicenko.

The other Roy Hirsch.

His job was to retrieve
the communiqué and to kill Hirsch.

He did the job in the wrong order.
He couldn't locate the communiqué.

So why was he chasing us?

He was convinced you had it.

Why were you chasing him?

Because I was convinced
he was right.

Roy and I were close, I knew where
he kept things. I checked.

Somebody beat me to it.

- And you think it was us?
- Look, here's the bottom line.

The Russians are planning
the assassination of one of several...

...Chinese diplomats at a dinner
at the Biltmore, hours from now.

We've beefed up security.
We've alerted all the authorities.

It would make things much easier
if we knew who was the target.

That's what's in the communiqué.

David.

This is not the way
I pictured it would end.

Spies, communiqués.

Can't we have a speedboat chase?

Where's the little fat guy
with the deadly bowler?

- Do you read Russian?
- This guy reads Russian, Stalin...

...taking his time
or beating a deadline.

What's so funny?

They obviously wanted to make sure
they killed the right Chinese man.

The message reads,
"The man with a mole on his nose. "

- "With a mole on his nose"?
- With a mole on his nose.

I appreciate this, your country
appreciates this.

Yeah, well, tell the country
it was no sweat.

I have a great deal to do
and not much time to do it in.

Miss Hayes, Mr. Addison.

- Talk about going out with a whimper.
- But I feel good.

It's nice to know that
because of the work we did...

...a phone call is being made.
Plans are being put into motion.

Because of us, some friendly
dignitary's life is gonna be saved.

- Some international incident avoided.
- Say that again.

- All of it?
- The part about a phone call.

- What phone call?
- Exactly, what phone call?

This guy's racing to find out who's
gonna be assassinated in just hours.

He finds out. He doesn't make
the phone call, why?

He didn't trust our phone.
It's bugged?

Maybe he didn't need to know
who's being killed to save him.

Maybe he needed to know
so he could kill him.

What are you doing for dinner
tonight? Feel like a little Chinese?

Name please?

- David Addison.
- Madelyn Hayes.

- You're not on the guest list.
- We're not guests.

We're looking for a man with a mole.

- A mole?
- A mole on his nose.

- What kind of clothes?
- What kind?

What kind do you suppose?

Worn by a man with a mole
on his nose? Who knows?

Did I bother to disclose,
this man with a mole on his nose...

...I'm not sure of anything else, except
he's Chinese, a big clue by itself.

- How do you do that?
- Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.

I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report
I haven't seen anyone of that sort.

Not a man
with a mole on his nose...

...with some kind of clothes
that you can't suppose.

So get away from this door
and get out of this place...

...or I'll have to hurt you,
put my foot in your face.

- Time to go.
- Time to go.

Addison.

- Come on, Maddie, time's a wasting.
- I'm not coming out.

You have to come out. How are we
gonna get in if you don't come out?

- This is humiliating.
- It is not humiliating.

Serving food and drink to people
is an important job.

A vital link in nature's food chain.

I'm talking about this.

- What about it?
- Where's the rest of it?

What are you talking about?

I think you look terrific.

I think all of you looks terrific.

You leave any room in there for tips?

That's it!

I'm sorry. You're right.
But we have no choice.

Just remember, you're dressed
like that for America...

...and I, for one, salute you.

Salute you, Addison.

That's good. I like that.

Okay, ready? Look waitery.

I said, " Bubba, I don't care
what country you're from...

...in America, we eat with our forks. "

So now what do we do?

Look for the CIA guy or
the Chinese guy with a mole.

- And if one of us finds one of them?
- Holler.

- Watch it.
- You watch it.

May I have more champagne, please?

- The mole.
- Picture, please.

- You. What are you doing here?
- Me?

We've replaced this banquet hall's
real coffee...

...with frozen crystals.

Maddie!

David!

- What are you doing?
- I've been clean for years!

Why does everybody
keep asking me that?

See that?

Who says you can't bring
the countries of the world together...

...resolve our differences in
a civilized and orderly way?

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