Original subtitles

KATE: Put 'em up, bitches, it's ladies' night!

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!

Well, Mel's cheating on me.

-What? -No!

VAL: Yes, ma'ams. Not a doubt in my mind.

What, uh-- what makes you think that?

Oh, it's obvious.

He's cagey and secretive

and slinking around behind my back.

Mm-hm.

I've tried asking him about it.

He didn't blink for a solid minute.

Leave him.

Well, hang on--

SLOANE: Pull that cord before it strangles you.

Well, well, let's just hold on. Let's not get crazy.

I just-- first of all, you don't have any actual evidence.

And second, even if he was cheating on you,

which he isn't,

Nathan cheated on me,

and, uh, we've never been happier.

Huh?

The point is, we shouldn't be

worrying about this tonight, okay?

Tonight is supposed to be about turnin' it up,

you know what I mean?

VAL: Honestly, I don't think I'm in the right head space

to turn anything up tonight, what with Mel obviously...

definitely cheating on me.

It's not obvious. Nothing obvious about it.

In fact, you know what? I have to clear my head.

Excuse me, ladies.

KATE: Great idea! Take a lap, clear that head.

Very smart.

Mel's not cheating on Val, he's proposing.

Tonight!

No!

Yes! It's supposed to be a surprise.

We're supposed to show her a great time.

-Good job, by the way. -Well--

And then get her to the gazebo by 7 pm.

Why didn't you tell us this in the first place?

'Cause Mel didn't want us to know.

He thought she'd pick up on it. She's very perceptive...

you know, when she's not...

jumping to the opposite conclusion, I guess.

You definitely should have told us.

ANNE: Mm-hm.

It doesn't matter, okay? We gotta get back on track,

because tonight has to be perfect.

SLOANE & ANNE: Okay.

Oh my God, the Mountie's here.

Buckle up, ladies, this night just took a nose dive!

♪

Oh!

Oh...

SLOANE: I don't get it.

So you saw a Mountie? Big deal.

Not "a" Mountie, Sloane.

"The" Mountie. As in, Val's ex.

The man I called "husband" for 16 years

before he disappeared in the dead of night,

never to be heard or seen from again.

Holy shit, okay.

Okay, so what are you gonna do?

Well, you probably wanna go, huh?

I'll get the cheque, we'll get out of here.

VAL: Oh, I'm not going anywhere.

If there's one thing I'm sure of,

I'm gonna talk to him, and I am going to take...

my...

time.

Yes!

-[clears throat] -No.

You've already wasted so much time on this guy, right?

We got a fun night ahead.

Here goes nothin'.

[quietly] You guys had one job!

-What the fuck? -ANNE: What do you--

-[loud slap] -[all gasp]

Okay, quick and to the point.

Wow.

KATE: Wait, what is she doing?

I don't like this.

BRB, ladies.

Time to take a trip to the past.

Wait, where are you going?

The Mountie wants to step outside

so he can explain himself.

And I, frankly, want to step outside so I can raise my voice.

Ten minutes, tops.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no--

Oh, Anne, I'm gonna do that thing--

What is it you say? I'm gonna...

yank his scrotum up over his head like an atomic wedgie.

Yeah, that sounds like me.

I'm gonna decimate him.

Isn't this exhilarating?

It is, oh, it is,

but you know what else could be exhilarating?

The four of us go to the movies!

VAL: Kate, you know,

I'm gettin' a weird vibe from you.

Do you not want to see your best friend have some closure?

KATE: No, I do, I do!

I actually-- like, I really, really do.

I...

It's...

Ten minutes, right?

Not a minute more!

Okay, I really gotta go.

Come on, Anne, please! Don't fuck me!

I'm sorry, I just-- I booked a meeting for Alice

with this college admissions rep that I know,

and she's only in town for the night,

and it's a really big opportunity.

Alice is like 16!

I mean, isn't college a little far away?

ANNE: I know, but after the shit storm that we've been through,

we are focused on the future in my house,

and nothing but the future.

Come on, please!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The meeting's around the corner.

I'll be at the gazebo in time for the proposal.

Forty minutes! An hour, max!

Set your phone alarm...!

Set your phone alarm!

KATE: Anne--

So, what're we feeling? Negronis?

♪

♪

Eastern Royal University has one of the best

psychiatry programs in the world.

You only say that 'cause you went there.

I say it because it's true.

And knowing the head of the program is a huge leg-up.

She can open all kinds of doors...

which you deserve because you're bright and articulate

and so full of potential.

So let's try to show that side of you, for a change.

What does that mean?

Just that your grumpy little face gives off

the wrong idea sometimes.

Mom!

What? I have the same grumpy face.

It's hereditary, okay? It's my gift to you.

-That is so mean! -It's not mean!

Shh, shh, shh! There she is, there she is.

Just be cool, be cool.

Just be cool.

[timer dings]

Okay, 18 minutes.

Did we not agree on ten minutes?

Did we not agree on ten?

You agreed on ten minutes.

Fuck closure! We're going to get Val.

Get your shit. Come on, just bring the baby.

Okay, alright!

KATE: Where did she go?

Did she not say they were stepping outside?

Honestly, this ladies night is turning into a real bummer.

Ha-ha, good lord, check out these bachelorette bitches!

[women cheering]

I would not be caught dead at a themed--

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Feelin' good, feelin' great, A-OK! ♪

Paul?

Hey!

Kate!

Love the... love the threads!

Moonlighting as a stripper?

Ha, no! I'm too tall for that.

What are you doing with all these women?

I thought you said you were out with your friends!

PAUL: Yeah, I'm out with my friends from work.

From the clinic.

They're all female.

PAUL: They are.

You remember what I do for a living, right?

I'm just gonna... try to text Val.

I'm sure this all makes sense.

PAUL: Okay, look, I probably-- I probably should have told you

that it was a bachelorette, but I just--

I really didn't want you to feel weird about it.

But I do feel weird.

This is... weird.

PAUL: Right?

So, technically, I was right to think that.

Which is a totally valid thing for you to think, but...

PAUL: I know, is what I'm saying.

I know, and I'm sorry,

so we should just go have a drink.

You should come and join us, huh?

You should probably come have a drink?

You can finally meet the girls, please?

She would, but we're on a bit of a tight schedule.

SLOANE: Well, schedule shmedule.

I need to see what the fuck this is.

PAUL: Yes!

KATE: What? Sloane, no!

SLOANE: Twenty minutes. I promise you, 20 minutes.

No! Sloane!

SLOANE: Twenty.

PAUL: Thanks, Kate!

[under her breath] Fuck!

[phone buzzes]

Ugh...

Hey, man, everything okay?

RAM: [on phone] We have a problem.

What? What, uh, what happened?

Denise is threatening to sue me.

What? What for?

RAM: I don't know. Wrongful dismissal;

drug deficiencies she's invented?

Our team drafted a counter-suit

and I'm nervous the press will get their hands on it,

and I need to get your eyes on it ASAP.

KATE: Yeah, okay, okay. That makes sense.

Uh, just, uh, email it over, okay,

and I'll look at it as soon as I can.

RAM: Any way we could meet up instead?

Well, it's just that, uh... I-I'm on a...

I'm pretty tied up... [chuckles]

...at the moment.

I'm on a manhunt for a woman in the Beaches, so...

Beaches, okay, you know what?

I'm, uh, close by. I-I'll come to you!

KATE: I really feel like this could wait till tomorrow.

Hello? Hello--

♪

Those were tumultuous times, you know?

I was overwhelmed.

The parent thing came so easily to you, Val, but I...

I struggled from day one.

Oh, here we go! You don't think I struggled?

No!

I wanted to step up too, Val, to be a good father, alright?

But each year it just got harder and harder.

Isn't that rich?

The sob story from the runaway deadbeat dad!

I was a deadbeat, alright? I was.

Puberty broke me.

You hit puberty years before we had any children,

you-- you--

I meant the boys' puberty.

Oh, right, yes. Carry on.

They were animals.

You're right. They were animals.

And you left me to housebreak those two feral creatures alone!

You think they got better after their dad left?

We were supposed to be a team.

I know.

I'm ashamed.

It's a little late for shame!

I know there's nothing I can say to justify my actions.

I mean, I can barely stand to look at my reflection

in the mirror every morning, but...

if there's one thing that lets me sleep at night,

it's been knowing those boys are in good hands

because they have the best mom in the world.

Well, I...

I suppose that's nice to hear.

♪

♪

BERNADETTE: So, it's an incredibly competitive program,

but if you're anything like your mother,

you have nothing to worry about.

Did you know she was top of our class?

Stop! I mean, I-I wasn't top.

I mean, I was pretty good.

I was.

Anyway, like I mentioned,

she still has a year of high school to go,

but it's never too soon to chart a path, right?

Oh, absolutely.

So, Alice,

your mother says that you share her interest in psychiatry?

-I did. -She does!

She does. She absolutely does, yeah.

She actually worked at my office for a while

and was quite gifted.

Some of my clients even preferred talking to her!

ALICE: Yeah,

and some actually tried to come visit me at--

She's also-- she's so incredibly well-rounded.

She, um... she's in an extra-curricular

-theatre group right now. -Oh!

ALICE: I'm just taking it for the extra credit

so that I can fast-track my diploma

and graduate this year.

Sorry, what?

Fast-tracking? That's impressive.

Hello, high achiever here!

So we're thinking about this September?

Wait, uh--

ALICE: Well, I can't this September.

I'll be on the sheep farm.

Did you say "sheep farm"?

Alice...

are you on something right now?

I'm taking a gap year.

So, ladies,

we're circling back to next September, then?

-No, you're not. -In Australia.

Uh-uh, nope.

With Seamus.

What are you talking about?

Anyway, um...

I'm not sure when, or even if,

I'll be applying, but I'd love to take a look at any materials

you might have.

Thank you so much.

You said I could take the car?

Keys?

Of course.

It was so nice meeting you.

♪

LINDSEY: Let me guess!

Four days premie, breech, no fetal distress.

PAUL: [makes buzzer noise] Wrong!

What?

Lindsey likes to try and guess the baby's birth journey,

but you are wrong this time, L-train,

uh, because little Owen here was a week late,

induced, occiput anterior position.

What, what, what, what, what?

Fuuuuuck me.

Okay, how about we, uh, steer this conversation

away from my vagina?

LINDSEY: Oh, you crashed my bachelorette.

We're gonna talk about your vagina as much as I want!

PAUL: No, no, Lindsey!

No, look, if Sloane doesn't want us talking about her vagina,

we are not gonna talk about your vagina!

Um... but I-I'll... I'm gonna get drinks, drinks.

LINDSEY: Yes, Paul, yes! Yes!

[chanting] Paulie, Paulie, Paulie, Paulie!

JENNIFER: It's so nice to finally meet you, Sloane!

Paul literally never stops talking about you.

LINDSEY: I know, it's, um... it's annoying, really.

JENNIFER: It's not annoying! It's sweet.

Well, and now that I'm finally seeing you,

I'm like "Whoop!"

Maybe someone else will be a bride soon...

[laughs]

Yeah, I'm not so sure about that.

LINDSEY: I dunno, I can tell by the way he looks at you.

Who knows, maybe he'll even make it down the aisle this time!

Please God!

This time?

Don't worry about her. She's crazy, she's crazy.

I'm not crazy! I am not crazy.

You are way cooler than Charlotte.

She was...

[makes fart noise] ...Turdsville.

Charlotte... Wait, uh, what happened?

It was this whole thing. Very messy engagement.

-JENNIFER: [laughs] -LINDSEY: It was!

PAUL: Okay, I have no idea what I got here.

I just told them something fun and sailor-y!

CO-WORKERS: Yes! Woo!

[all cheering & exclaiming]

Okay...

You know what, uh, Paulie,

enjoy your girlfriends.

What?

I really like her. She is the best!

You guys are cute together.

JENNIFER: You're in trouble! [laughs]

Sloane!

What are you doing? Where are you going?

Where am I going?

You were engaged!

You didn't think to tell me?

Wait, what-- what'd they say?

This-- this is classic Lindsey, by the way.

This isn't funny!

I was 22 years old.

It was stupid and over within three months.

I wasn't hiding it. It just never seemed relevant!

It's a pretty significant thing to seem irrelevant.

Is it?

We both have our dating histories.

You've got all your meatballs stories.

Boys! Meatboys!

Oh... that makes more sense.

Yeah, and it's a big difference. I told you about those guys!

PAUL: Look, it was so long ago.

It's just got nothing to do with who I am.

But that's the problem.

'Cause we're supposed to be moving in together,

and I'm realizing right now that I have no fucking clue

who you are!

-[Owen starts crying] -You know who I am.

Yeah, see, this is great?

Do you see what you did? Perfect.

Have fun with your girls.

Sloane, hold on!

♪

♪

Yeah, I mean, this is a really well-crafted statement.

-Good.

-You did a terrific job with this.

-Good, that's good. -Yeah.

-So the lawyers were right, then.

-You already ran it by your lawyers?

-Yes. -Okay.

-What?

-Well, I just-- I mean, here I am desperately trying

not to ruin my friend's proposal and I'm being sidetracked

because you desperately need my eyes on something

that you've already got your lawyers' sign-off on...?

Come on!

-I, just-- you know, I trust your opinion more.

-Than lawyers'?

Well, that's just questionable judgement on your part.

[sighs]

-Alright, fine. Maybe I needed the distraction.

-Okay.

-Full disclosure, I had to get out of the house.

My wife and I...

are in a rocky place right now.

Ah. I have, uh...

I have been to that rocky place.

How'd you handle it?

So good.

Like a lunatic. I lost my mind.

-No, not you! -Uh-huh.

I dunno, I feel like those rough patches,

they're also opportunities, right, to see what you want,

and go after it, you know?

Anyway...

I'm, uh, I'm sorry about your wife.

Yeah, thanks.

And I have got eight minutes to find Val.

This proposal is officially ruined.

Well, hang on. Uh...

Val is your blonde friend, right, about yay high, huge ass?

That is correct.

Is that her?

Where?

KATE: Oh my...

Val!

No! No, I wasn't doing it!

I-- I wasn't!

Val, Val, Val, Val, what the hell are you doing?

I don't know.

I've just got all these weird feelings bubbling in me.

And what with Mel cheating...

He's not cheating, Val. [sighs]

He's proposing!

What?!

That's why he's been so secretive.

He's got this beautiful surprise proposal,

and it's all going down in the gazebo in...

two minutes.

RAM: None of my business, but if you gun it,

the gazebo's like a minute and a half that way.

-Oh, well, I'm sure-- -Ooh!

KATE: Oh!

VAL: I'm coming, my love!

Hey, uh, get that statement out!

It looks great, okay? See ya!

♪

[peaceful music]

Oh my God... There he is.

We made it.

KATE: I can't believe it.

Look how handsome he looks.

ANNE: Well, I made it. I hope you're happy.

SLOANE: Let's just get this show on the road.

Owen needed a change 40 minutes ago.

Jesus, what happened to you two?

-Ugh... -Okay...

-Mel! -Hey.

What is all this?

Val...

For years, I never thought I'd find the right person,

and then I met you.

It was like an angel had drifted from the heavens just for me.

[giggles]

And so... Aww...

I know I'd have to be an absolute fool not to ask...

Val Szalinsky, will you--

THE MOUNTIE: Marry me!

What?

KATE: Oh, no.

-This isn't good. -No, it is not.

THE MOUNTIE: Well, maybe not marry me right away.

It's, uh...

We should take it slow this time around,

you know, really set ourselves up for success.

Okay, wait, who is this guy?

My... ex-husband.

Wait, the guy who left you?

I know, I know, I know.

It's not the best timing.

Ya think?

It's just, I thought I could walk out that door

and forget about us.

But if there's one thing that kiss showed me...

Wait, I'm sorry. Uh, kiss?

Did he say "kiss"?

KATE: Oh, yeah...

-Was there a kiss? -There was a kiss?

There was, yeah.

THE MOUNTIE: But Val, Val!

We belong together.

So, whaddya say?

You wanna give this thing the shot it deserves?

No!

What?

Absolutely not!

Huh... Okay.

Because...

Wow. Wow.

You know what?

Fuck you.

Big fuck you.

You know, I poured my heart out,

and this is the shit I get in return?

Then fuck you!

ALL: Whoa...

Fuck you! Big fuck you!

-Fuckin'-- -[loud crash]

THE MOUNTIE: Fuckin' shit!

Stupid fuckin'-- ow, fuck!

My toe!

Mel...!

Mel...

You know that the kiss, it wasn't anything, really.

Val.

I think I just need to be alone.

Oh...

[all sigh]

Maybe I don't deserve love.

Maybe I'm not meant for nice things.

Of course you are. You're--

You deserve all the nice things.

ANNE: You totally are!

I obviously have some self-reflecting to do.

Excuse me, ladies.

[Owen crying]

Well, I think that's my cue.

Yeah.

Later. Let's go.

Bye!

SLOANE: Okay, okay... [Owen crying]

I should probably go.

Make sure Alice hasn't fled the country.

What?

-I'll fill you in later. -Oh, boy.

-Yeah, bye. -Bye.

[sighs]

RAM: Hey.

Hey, you're still here!

RAM: Well, I was trying to give you guys some space, and...

like I said, I needed the distraction.

[chuckles] Oh, you certainly got that!

That was... an absolute shitshow.

Definition of a shitshow.

Honestly, I feel for your friend.

Oh, I know. Me too.

Val's a lot, but she's, uh...

she's also the best.

Oh, sure, yes.

I mean, sometimes, you know, you just...

you get carried away in the moment.

It happens.

Totally.

You know who I feel for?

It's all these dead flowers, you know?

Why did they die?

Why did they have to die in vain?

Imagine their parents.

Soon you gotta think about their...

their families.

That's the dumbest thing you've ever said.

[laughs] Well, buckle up!

'Cause when it comes to flower families,

I have a lot to say--

Good God, please just stop.

KATE: [chuckles]

But also, thank you, 'cause I needed this.

Oh...

And also, I'm sorry for wasting your time today.

Oh, it's cool.

Yeah, I... I dunno, I just--

I just like being around you.

I like being around you.

Which is good, since we work together.

It's easy, 'cause we can just hang--

♪

♪

Oh...

♪

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