Original subtitles

Hello, ladies and gentlemen! How is everyone?

ADULT MARK: The church encouraged us to volunteer

in the community.

That's how I booked my first gig.

You know there's a prize for getting older?

Yep, you get a trophy!

ADULT MARK: All aspiring comedians

need stage time to grow.

And no stage ages you faster than the games room

of St. Martin's Retirement Home!

You know, a-trophy, when you don't use your muscles enough?

Boo!

Boos are for ghosts, Mr. Mullins!

And you haven't passed on...

Yet!

ADULT MARK: In a room full of octogenarians,

I was the one dying.

It's like hell's waiting room in here.

Oh, sorry, no offence.

Is anyone having a birthday?

ADULT MARK: Pop came along to support me...

And get snacks.

Oh no, I'm not... oh, oh, yeah.

Fine, well, why not?

There you are, sir. Pudding cup?

Oh! Well, I could get used to this.

What's your name, ma'am?

Um, Millicent.

Millicent?

Not Millie Hearn!

Patrick Critch!

Oh! Of course!

How are you?

A little bit older, but twice as handsome.

POP: [CHUCKLES]

You're looking your usual beautiful self.

Unlike that Linda Foley.

My God, I saw her yesterday.

MILLIE: I heard her son lost his license.

DUIs all over the place.

Pop!

- Huh? - Do you mind?

Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, who likes impressions?

Ha-ha.

Give it up for President Ronald Reagan!

[APPLAUSE & POP WHISTLING]

MARK: Ha-ha, thank you!

I'm delighted to be here tonight.

But then again, at my age, I'm delighted to be anywhere.

[ONE PERSON CLAPS]

[SILENCE]

ADULT MARK: My first walk-out needed a walker!

Tough crowd!

MARK: Pop? We gotta go.

What's the rush?

- We're gonna miss the bus! - Good.

You know, I get treated way better here than I do at home.

Oh, is that applesauce?

Oh, yes.

POP: Hey, you know what?

You should start hanging out with people more your own age.

Fine.

Ah...

[SIGHS CALMLY]

Any more pudding?

RITCHIE: How was your show last night?

MARK: Well, the jell-o bit killed,

but I lost them with the medic alert stuff.

I'm sorry I couldn't help finish our project.

It's okay.

My dad wouldn't even let me touch it.

ADULT MARK: Ritchie and I had been chosen to represent

St. Bridget's at the regional science fair.

But we couldn't take all the credit.

You know, I won the science fair every year.

Even made nationals!

You mentioned it once or twice before, Dad.

Come on, we can do much better than a potato battery.

"We"?

Yeah, you know what would be cool?

If we had... circuit board!

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

ADULT MARK: Thanks to Ritchie's dad,

we made it to regionals with...

The whatchamacallit.

[RADIO PLAYING FROM MACHINE]

? Makin' it work, takes a little longer! ?

? Makin' it work, takes a little time... ?

Ah! Stop it, Fox!

It's a singing robot, not a toy.

Whatever it is, it's stupid.

Well, if we're the stupid ones,

then how come your project didn't make it to regionals?

At least I did my project myself.

Hey, Fox! You come to cheer us on?

Oh, yes, Mr. Perez. You got this.

You're definitely one of the smartest eighth-graders here.

Thanks!

But remember, if the judges ask,

"lips" stands for "light, infrared, power"...

Dad, this is our project!

I know!

You guys, you take it from here.

Wait, I better solder that!

[RADIO KEEPS PLAYING]

MARK: Come on, Ritchie, m'boy!

Let's check out the competition.

?

TV NARRATION: Maple syrup...

Northern nectar.

Look... a single drip...

And then another.

We are we forced to watch this crap?

We should have freedom to watch whatever we want on television!

[LOUDLY] Who's with me on this?

What do we want?

TV freedom!

When do we want it? Now, now, now!

What do we want? TV freedom!

When do we want it?

- Now, now, now! - [CHANNEL SWITCHES]

TV ANNOUNCER: ... Now in Orillia, Ontario.

Oh... thank you, Nurse.

You are so assertive.

You know what you want,

and you're not afraid to go out and get it.

And I know what I want now.

That's to have dinner with you tomorrow.

?

It's scalloped potato day.

[CHUCKLES]

Look, I'm a little bit embarrassed about this but...

I was glad when your husband died.

I mean, I didn't want to say anything at the wake.

Flirt!

ADULT MARK: Things were heating up

at the retirement home.

RITCHIE: All these kids are smarter than us.

FOX: That's 'cause we go to the dumb school, dumbass.

Congrats, you were the smartest of the dummies

and now you're the dumbest of the smarties.

Ignore her, Ritchie.

She's just not at the regional level.

?

Whoa!

Who's that?

FOX: Not granola...

Ooh, skateboards!

Cool!

What's your project about?

Which type of pants hold up best when you fall off your board.

Whoa.

ADULT MARK: The regional science fair brought kids

from all over the province together.

If Ritchie was ever going to meet his match,

it was here at Nerd-Palooza.

I'm Ritchie.

Jacinta, but everyone calls me Jay.

I'm Mark.

Uh, and this is Fox.

JAY: Fox?

What's that short for? Foxanne?

Foxanne!

? Fox-Anne! ?

Have fun losing, losers.

She seems nice.

RITCHIE: Yeah, she's...

ADULT MARK: Fox was not about to be replaced.

All's fair in love and war,

if not in science fairs.

Wow, your board's way better than mine.

You skateboard?

You guys should come skateboarding with me downtown!

Downtown?

We're going down right after the judging.

We'll see you there.

Ah... wait, downtown?

That's like two bus transfers!

RITCHIE: Show time! We gotta go!

MARK: Uh, okay!

When it comes to projects,

St. Bridget's has it down to a science.

But we're not just all talk!

MIKE SR.: [RADIO] And now, the VOCM News.

I'm Mike Critch.

Two youths were apprehended at the Pop Shoppe last night.

The suspects were found breaking bottles

against a dumpster in the parking lot...

The lips should be moving, Ritchie... ?

Ah, Ritchie, m'boy!

MIKE SR.: [RADIO] The destructive vandals threw

the remaining bottles at police officers...

MARK: Um...

Ha, just one second!

I don't know how it works!

MARK: Uh, he...

MIKE SR.: [RADIO] One officer was injured

when he slipped on a shard and was rushed to...

What place did I get?

We didn't place, Dad.

What?!

This thing is rigged!

Excuse me, miss?

Excuse me, did you see our project back there?

The... the lips?

ADULT MARK: I'd seen hockey dads before,

but never a science fair dad.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

ADULT MARK: "Downtownies."

Hacky-sacking, skateboarding punks.

RITCHIE: Whoa...

They're desecrating the war memorial!

This is not why young men died in the trenches!

Please don't say things like that, okay?

I like Jay,

and I don't want her to think we're nerds.

You met at a science fair!

[SIGHS]

You want to be an actor?

Maybe you can act like you fit in.

Challenge accepted.

ADULT MARK: I could fake being myself.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

?

You made it!

Ritchie, Mark, this is my friend Cara.

ADULT MARK: Cara!

I'd finally met a girl as nerdy as I was.

But she wore it better.

Can I try your board?

Sure!

It's from Canadian tire.

ADULT MARK: I didn't know what to say to her.

What could I have in common with a downtownie girl?

[COUGHING]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[INHALING DEEPLY]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

?

Whoa, is... is that a metered dose aerosol?

You know your inhalers. You need a puff?

ADULT MARK: We hadn't even kissed,

but I could taste her cotton candy smackers lip balm on her inhaler.

Was this love, or a lack of oxygen?

Thanks. Needed that.

So, what are you into,

besides breathing?

ADULT MARK: What was I into?

I didn't know what I was into yet!

She hadn't told me!

Uh... still... wheezy.

You go first.

Well, I volunteer a lot.

Oxfam, Youth for Social Justice...

I organize protests to help save the whales.

And, oh, I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, yeah, me too!

I love vegetables.

Sometimes I eat 'em straight out of the can!

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, what school do you go to?

Vanier Academy.

ADULT MARK: No "Saint" in the school name?

That meant she was a...

Protestant!

No wonder she was so exotic.

No uniforms?

No nuns?

No guilt?

OFFICER BUTT: Kids!

We've had some complaints about the noise.

I'm gonna have to ask you to break it up for today.

Pigs.

That cop always hassles us.

ADULT MARK: This I could handle.

I've got this.

Hey, Officer Butt.

I'm not on board with the desecration

of a sacred monument either,

but I've got a two-dollar bill with your name on it.

Lar's is still open.

Why don't you go forget about all of this

and get yourself a cone?

?

OFFICER BUTT: Afternoon, Mary.

Your son tried to bribe a policeman.

What?

I can't believe it.

My own son brought home by the police.

What will the neighbours say?

We don't have neighbours.

Mark, what were you even doing downtown?

I was trying to impress a girl.

Ah.

Showin' off, more like.

Well? What's she like?

Well, she's a Protestant.

Good God, a Protestant?

That could lead to a mixed marriage.

Think of the children!

Well, what school would they even go to?

Give it up, will ya?

It's just a little date. He's not gonna marry her!

I dare say he's not!

What church would they get married in?

MARY: Oh, jeez.

Where would they be buried?

At sea?

Oh, going all the way downtown.

You must be starved.

Uh, I've decided I'm a vegetarian, so...

This is all her doing, isn't it?

Oh, too good for a little meat fried up in the pan!

Oh!

Yeah, bet she can't eat anything,

with her fancy Protestant nose all stuck up in the air!

I... Mom!

Jesus Christ, there's no meat in gravy!

[SIGHS]

POP: You know, they have these wonderful chairs;

they were called, uh, lah-zee-boys.

It was like sitting on a cloud with cup holders.

What do you think, Pop?

Everyone knows the best way to save a whale is in the freezer.

But they're endangered!

You mean danger-ous.

My father was killed by a whale.

He was a whaler!

Yeah, sharks of the sea, that's what whales are.

Anyway, since when have you gone so Brigitte Bardot on us?

Cara likes whales.

You know, pretending to be someone you're not for a girl,

I mean...

It can only lead to heartbreak.

But aren't you pretending to live at the home?

Home is where the heart is,

and my heart is at the home.

Well, I won't rat you out to the orderlies

if you donate to our protest.

Hippie!

That meal was almost as good as the company.

You are such a charmer.

[CHUCKLES]

Why don't we just take a stroll?

See the sunset, just the two of us.

That's a lovely idea.

I can show you my roses.

And the creek behind the house

is just full of trout at this time of year.

Creek?

I didn't see a creek.

I saw a road.

Oh...

But...

[ON RADIO] ? I'd like to get to know you... ?

This isn't my house.

Millie?

I have to get back before dark.

My husband... my husband will worry.

Have you seen my husband, sir?

No.

Not for a while. Ah...

I'm afraid, he...

Ah.

Millie, thank you so much for dinner.

Nurse...

Nurse, I think Millie's tired.

Take good care of her.

Sir? The doors are locked now.

Locked, well, I don't live here.

Sounds like you're a little tired, too.

Um, Millie, tell her who I am!

I've never seen you before in my life.

What? Hey, excuse me.

Just relax now, sir.

These men will get you settled.

[ON RADIO] Mike Critch, here with the VOCM update!

POP: Hey, whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

That's my son, on the radio!

I live with the man on the radio!

I'm sure you do.

Let me go!

You're gonna hear from my lawyer!

Come on, what are you doing!

PROTESTORS: Save the whales!

Save the whales!

Save the whales... !

Save the whales!

Save the whales... !

ADULT MARK: Protestants sure loved to protest.

I guess that's where the name comes from.

Everyone's ignoring us.

Don't they get how important this is?

Hang on.

Listen up, everybody!

I think our chant could use some work.

How about...

One, two, three, four,

save our whales and ocean floor!

ALL: One, two, three, four,

save our whales and ocean floor!

I love how passionate you are.

ADULT MARK: This was the start of a personal reformation.

What are you losers bawling about?

Who you calling a loser, Foxanne?

Them, Ja-cinta.

I don't think Mark's a loser.

FOX: Then you should get your glasses checked.

Why don't you go some place where somebody wants you?

Fox...

Whatever.

Nobody cares about this stuff.

Tree-huggin' pinkos.

What did you call me?

Back off!

Do you know who my brothers are?

No.

MARK: Maybe you should just go, Fox.

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

They're faking, you know?

They don't care about the whales or the ocean or any of you.

And... they're Catholic!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Hm!

?

I-I...

?

MR. MULLINS: Family finally had enough of you, eh?

My son did the same thing to me.

He finally gets married and then he ships me off here.

Friggin' ingrate.

Ah.

That's a bit selfish, huh?

Well, you're probably better off here.

I mean, it's a nice place.

Nice people.

No, I'm just here temporarily, yeah.

I live with my son.

He'd gonna come pick me up.

Sounds like you've got a good one.

Yeah.

Hm, I do.

Millie? Excuse me.

Millie!

Hey, Millie! Hey...

I can't find my husband!

Have you seen him?

Millie, listen. It's...

- He promised me... - It's all right.

Millie... Millie.

You think he's all right?

Well, there...

There's a big storm moving in.

They've closed down all the roads.

I mean, you wouldn't want him driving in those conditions,

now, would you?

No.

So he called and he said he's gonna pick you up

first thing in the morning.

Isn't that nice?

Now, let's get you back to your room, all right?

Oh...

Well, that makes sense.

Pop, for God's sake.

Oh, about bloody time!

Now, listen, Millie.

This very nice lady is going to take you back.

And then, if she doesn't want a lawsuit,

she's gonna go to the kitchen and get a case of that pudding,

and put it in my son's car.

All right, Pop, let's go. Mary's worried sick.

Wait.

You know, I know I may seem ungrateful at times...

[VOICE CRACKING]

[EMOTIONAL] You're a good boy.

Good God!

What kind of pills you have him on?

Technically, I never said we were Protestants.

I don't care if you're Catholic, Mark.

But I do care if you're honest.

Can we start again?

I'm Mark.

I like Dean Martin and Vienna sausages.

I'm not a vegetarian.

In fact, the only vegetable I ever eat is the noble potato.

Still just Cara.

?

?

?

Pop... ?

Does making new friends mean you have to lose your old ones?

No.

You can have as many friends as you want.

The only thing that matters is

how many friends you can count on.

Those friends are like a bottle of gravy Browning.

What?

You'll have 'em till you die.

Hm.

[SOFT, SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

?

?

Thank God.

ADULT MARK: In life, there's family and there's friends.

?

?

?

Oh, hey! How's it goin'?

ADULT MARK: And then there's friends who become family.

Hey.

About yesterday...

It's fine if you have new friends.

It's just...

I feel like we don't really hang out that much anymore.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

?

How 'bout we go to Mary Brown's for lunch?

My treat.

I thought you were vegetarian.

I'll just have the taters and the gravy.

There's no meat in gravy, sure.

?

?

?

ADULT MARK: Sometimes, when you meet a new friend,

you can tell right away that you'll be friends forever .

JAY: Give it a try.

?

ADULT MARK: And when forever comes,

you'll be glad that they're there.

You mind if I sit?

Oh, not at all.

Ah...

I'm Millicent.

Oh...

Patrick.

Nice to meet you.

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

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