Original subtitles

me playing )

HANNAH: Bambi, Stephanie.

Stephanie, Bambi.

[imitates gunfire]

Vanessa is entitled to be pissed off at me.

And to insist you move out of London.

How's, uh, prostitution?

The last time I rang you to make an appointment,

I got another girl.

It's just I'd rather see you than your replacement.

What girl?

What do you do?

I'm a nighttime legal secretary.

I'm with this guy, and he's gone really weird.

Are you all right? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry about everything.

It's okay.

It's okay, come here.

It's all right.

Saturday afternoon at the movies.

A real girlfriend going on a real date.

I'm just not sure if that's me.

( upbeat horn theme playing )

You see, this is why I don't do relationships.

"Dates." I don't understand the rules.

Who's in charge?

Who pays?

Lucky. Last two tickets.

So, uh, what are we gonna see again?

It's a French-Canadian documentary about Alzheimer's.

It's hilarious.

Really? No, no, it's a comedy.

Time Out calls it the perfect date movie,

so no pressure. Whoa.

( chuckles )

I've never seen a movie without Will Ferrell

or a talking dog before.

Oh, I'm touched. You should be.

Can I, uh, pay you for the tickets?

No, no, no, of course not. Well, can I go halves?

No, no, put it away. No, please.

Oops. ( coins clink )

Hannah. Oh, shit.

( intercom buzzes )

My 12:30, Tony.

He also wants a girlfriend.

The GFE.

The girlfriend experience: 90 minutes,

400 pounds worth of chat, and cuddles.

I know it doesn't make sense,

but somehow this is easier.

This is the kind of girlfriend I can be.

( jazzy theme playing )

Christ, sorry I'm late.

Total 'mare at the office.

I know.

You should have seen the FTSE 100 this morning.

Up, down, buy...

( device beeps ) ...sell.

Take the piss all you want.

You know you still love us City boys.

Yeah, it's strange, isn't it?

It must be that sense of self-importance.

( chuckles )

Cheeky bint.

Mm.

You didn't tell me you got a pay rise.

Yeah, a guy in mergers put me onto his tailor.

No, it's lovely.

Thank you.

Yeah, he's a brilliant bloke.

Trained Savile Row, works out of Camden.

TONY: Not cheap though.

Well, the best things never are.

( chuckles )

HANNAH: Men like Tony,

they don't have time for a real relationship,

with their six-figure salaries and their 70-hour working weeks.

They don't want to come home to PMT in a dressing gown

and a gluten intolerance.

Me,

I'll eat anything.

( breathing heavily )

Oh.

( jazzy theme playing )

Okay. Okay, go.

( breathing heavily )

( moaning )

Ah.

No.

Oh.

( panting )

Oh.

( intercom buzzes )

Hello?

I want to talk to you.

I'm--I'm sorry, but who is this?

Let me in or I will scream,

and I will tell every single person in this building

that you're fucking my husband.

I'm sorry. I have no idea who you are.

I'm his wife.

I'm Matt's wife.

Matt?

My husband.

The man you're sleeping with?

I'm really sorry, but-- I followed him.

I saw him press your number. He was here.

I don't know who you mean. He just left five minutes ago.

Don't-- Don't lie to me.

Tony?

Tony?

Is that what he calls himself?

He's Matt, Matt Hexton,

and he's married.

Did he tell you that?

No. No, I don't suppose he told you much.

Too busy shagging! Shh, please.

What? They know what you do, don't they?

Your neighbors? They know you wreck marriages.

Right, just go. Oh, no, I'm not going anywhere.

Tell me, how long have you been having an affair?

We're not having an affair.

He was here for over an hour. I was outside.

You have to go. I can't help you.

I was timing you!

What were you doing if you weren't having sex?

Any problem you have with your husband--

Yes, you said it. He's my husband.

Yes, I know.

Then what are you doing with him?

We have an arrangement.

What? What are you--? What are you talking about?

I'm not in love with your husband.

I have no feelings for him whatsoever.

He--

He pays me.

For my services.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Come through here.

( gagging )

( coughing ) Come on.

( retching )

It's nice to know I have this effect on people.

( retching continues ) ( sighs )

( mellow theme playing )

( siren wails in distance )

( glass clatters, shatters )

Hello?

Excuse me? Is everything all right in there?

( phone ringing )

HANNAH ( on phone ): Hello.

Hey. Hey, it's Alex.

Uh, I've got a quick question for you.

When I'm old and prolapsed,

and I can't get to the pub without help,

will you kill me?

I don't know.

Come on, I need to know you'd do it.

Bag over the head, pills in the Ovaltine?

If there's to be any future for us...

Well, we'll just--

( door opens )

Uh, I hurt my hand.

Uh, thanks for calling.

( line hangs up ) H-Hello?

( scoffs )

( phone beeps ) ( chuckles )

HANNAH: I'm sure there's some up here.

Oh, um,

do you want a cup of tea or a biscuit?

You might need something sweet. You know, blood sugar--

Why would he pay for it?

Is it something weird?

Sorry?

Why he comes to you. Is it something...kinky?

Does he like to dress up, is that it?

Is he a transvestite?

Why would you think that?

His dad's a vicar.

Yeah, something like that.

Why couldn't he just get a girlfriend,

or shag his secretary?

Couldn't even manage that.

Easier for him

just to pull out his credit card.

What happens here is-- It's just sex.

It's nothing.

What you have, a marriage, it's much more.

Christ! What the hell would you know?

Do prostitutes even have relationships?

Do they? Have you--? Have you got a boyfriend?

He always was a selfish bastard.

That's why we waited so long before having kids.

He wasn't prepared to give up his bachelor bloody lifestyle.

Have you got children?

Twins. Six months.

Hardly surprising we don't have much sex.

He's always working and I'm sat on the sofa,

breast-feeding like some old sow.

I used to have great tits.

Sometimes when I'm at home I do those, um,

survey things where you tick a box

to see how strong your relationship is.

I know they're ridiculous.

I know they're just some stupid thing in a magazine.

But I always--

Always get a really high score.

We do. I mean--

You think that sounds pathetic, don't you?

No, I don't.

I do.

I'm going to clean your bathroom.

There's glass. Oh, no, don't worry.

It's fine. No, I want to.

No, no, no, really, it's not necessary.

No, please, it was-- I made the mess.

( sighs )

You must see everything here.

Men, what they really want.

( glass clinking )

What-- What do they want?

( jazzy theme playing )

Well, one gentleman

likes to dress up as a tennis player

while I play with his new balls.

( laughs )

Men.

Oh, what's this?

Ah, you don't need to...touch that.

Um, it-- It's a plug.

( buzzes ) Ooh, it vibrates.

It's a butt plug.

HELEN: Ooh.

( gags )

( retching )

( upbeat theme playing )

( horn honks )

( horn honking )

BAMBI: Is it just me, or some days

does it feel like everyone wants you?

( giggles ) This is for you.

It's Balenciaga, to say thank you.

What for?

Everything.

Aw. Honestly,

just walking down the street on the way here

I could feel the eyes on me.

I mean, I know I'm hot, but...

You're working, aren't you? How did you guess?

It's just what happens.

When you're an escort, men-- Well, some men,

they can just sense it.

I don't know. It's weird.

Well, I'm doing it properly this time.

I've seen Stephanie and she's taken me on.

Proper clients,

proper security. ( phone ringing )

Oops. Sorry, babes, hang on.

All right, sweetie.

No, no, no, of course not.

I'm just with a friend.

No, not like that.

Ha-ha-ha. Listen, I've got to go,

so you hold that thought.

Ciao.

( phone beeps ) Ah, he sounds really sweet.

He's a time-waster and he'll never make a booking.

Tell him you're not a chat line.

Never take his calls again.

Seriously?

Yeah, just don't get carried away, all right?

The money, the attention-- It's just a job.

And in the end, people will take

what they can and judge you for it.

Just be careful, is what I'm trying to say.

See?

Where would I be without you?

( phone beeping )

BEN: Shit, Han.

Yeah, shit indeed.

So go on. What did she do then?

Screeching, bit of casual vomiting,

just to show quite how disgusting she found me.

You know, I always thought

something like this might happen.

Why?

Well, all these guys have wives, don't they?

Not all of them, no.

Most of them. So how did you leave it?

Well, obviously she left.

But you're gonna keep in touch?

Of course.

We thought we'd make it a regular thing,

seeing as we had so much in common.

( chuckles )

Shall we do one?

( upbeat theme playing )

HANNAH: What shall we do now? I don't want to go home.

What, in case wifey's still there, behind the door?

Wifey? Ha-ha. Yeah.

So glad you find it amusing.

HANNAH: Come on.

We haven't been out in ages.

BEN: I can't. Not tonight.

We could go to that Thai place with the fat guy.

He sings on Wednesdays.

I can't. I'm on kitchen duty.

What?

We take it in turns cooking for each other, me and Vanessa.

Tofu stroganoff in St Albans?

The excitement must be unbearable.

You'd be surprised.

Yeah, I would.

( sighs )

Come on.

Just a quick one?

Come on, one drink?

I can't. She's picking me up from the station.

Yeah. Your loss.

( chuckles )

All right, I'll do it.

ALEX: Too late. I've changed my mind.

Euthanasia is very last week.

That's a shame.

Ah, you'll get over it.

I was thinking about cryogenics.

You've got a big freezer.

Bye.

( line hangs up )

( phone beeps ) Nutter.

What have you done?

She was here. She saw you come in.

I didn't have a choice.

Well, that's it then, isn't it?

That--That's it. It's over.

It's fucking over. Eight years of marriage.

I'm...

I'm really sorry, Tony.

It's Matt. My name is Matt.

But it's, um--

It's really got nothing to do with me.

You need to talk to your wife.

Talk to her?

She won't even make eye contact with me.

She won't even let me hold the twins.

How can I even begin to fix this

if she won't even look at me?

She--

( sighs )

Hold me. Please.

Matt.

Look, I can't lose you as well.

If--If you wanna be here, then...

What?

With me, you've...

Oh.

God, yes. Of course. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Um...

Uh, yeah.

The client-escort relationship should have clear boundaries.

Anything else just doesn't work.

( ska theme playing )

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

HELEN: God, doesn't that give you jaw ache?

Cooee.

W-What's going on? Why have you stopped?

Nothing. Sorry.

( Matt sighs )

( breathing heavily )

( gasps ) Oh, so that's what he likes.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

I can't do this with you here.

Oh, Christ.

HELEN: Oh, dear.

I thought you were supposed to be a professional.

Right. Uh, let's--

Let's try something else, shall we?

( breathing heavily )

Mm.

( Helen clears throat )

No, no, no, no, no, no-- No, no, don't stop.

Please don't-- Don't stop.

( moans )

( Matt breathing heavily )

No, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.

( gasping ) What?

Why, what--? What's happened?

I'm sorry. I'll refund your money.

ney? What the--?

Bloody money. What's going on?

Look, this has got nothing to do with me.

You need to speak to your wife.

You can't just pretend this isn't happening!

Ah, the tart with the heart.

Look, talk to your wife. Sort your marriage out.

I can't see you anymore.

What? Wait. You're breaking up with me?

We were never together!

( soft guitar theme playing )

HANNAH: Relationships.

♪ Have you ever ♪

How do people do them?

♪ Felt the rain? ♪

I've no idea.

♪ Have you ever tried to complain? ♪

This is why I shouldn't go anywhere near them.

♪ And face the world ♪

This is why I shouldn't even try.

♪ Bites down in the hole ♪

♪ The slow fuse ♪

♪ What's so funny? ♪

♪ What's so strange? ♪

♪ You don't even Know my name ♪

Hi, Alex. It's me.

Um...

♪ Are you happy? ♪

...can I come over, for an hour?

♪ An empty bottle ♪

Okay. All right. Bye.

( phone beeps )

♪ We might be at war ♪

( knock on door )

Here you are.

Your time starts

...now. Coffee?

And I'm--I'm just not ready to be a girlfriend--

Shit, no milk. Sorry.

Anybody's girlfriend.

Or indeed any coffee.

( jar thunks )

I'm a mess.

Alex, are you actually listening to anything I'm saying?

Of course. Of course.

You're telling me in an oh-so-delightful way

that you want to break up with me.

Thing is, you're not a mess.

You're gorgeous.

I-I just--

I just-- I don't think

it's fair on you, to start something and--

You walk out on me in my hotel room.

You run out on me at dinner.

You constantly hang up on me.

That sounds like a relationship to me.

Let's just stop. Let's just be friends.

No, I don't want to be friends.

( sighs )

I want to do things to you

that I don't want to do to my friends.

( chuckles )

Alex, I can't go out with you.

Irish coffee? Except without the coffee,

which would technically be whiskey.

I'm not what you want.

You're exactly what I want. I'm not.

It's-- It's really complicated.

I love complicated because it's interesting.

It's exciting. it's just that--

I'm not very good at, um, just opening up or sharing.

I'm--I'm-- I'm a very private person.

I'm not asking you

to tell me things, to divulge your innermost.

I mean, Jesus,

who really knows everything about anyone?

Why would you really want to?

Do you really believe that?

I do.

Hannah, we're just starting.

Don't run scared already.

No, don't. Hey. Why?

No, because I'm trying to break up with you.

Tough. Tough.

You can't always get at you want.

( tender guitar theme playing )

Shit, I'm late.

My boss is very punctual.

An overrated quality.

( chuckles ) BOTH: Mm.

I've gotta go. Oh.

( both chuckle )

Oh, Hannah? Yeah?

I really enjoyed breaking up with you.

Can we do it again soon, please?

( chuckles )

( upbeat jazzy theme playing )

( sighs )

( horn honking )

( siren wailing )

My 9:30.

He also wants the girlfriend experience.

He likes to lie in bed, watch movies, and hold my hand.

It's nice.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing much.

Just getting ready for work.

I hope that you're thinking about me.

( laughs )

I met someone. What do you mean?

Hey.

ALEX: Is he better looking than me?

Is that actually possible?

Come clean to him and I'll come and have lunch with you then.

So, Hannah, are you gonna tell Alex the truth

or shall I?

( upbeat horn theme playing )